The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Halloween Show - full transcript
The girls fear Mrs. Garrett ground up a missing customer into her homemade bratwurst!
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
OH, THAT IS GREAT, NOW
TAKE A MOMENT, MRS. GARRETT.
RELATE TO THE BRATWURST.
I DON'T HAVE A MOMENT.
OH, GOOD, I LIKE THAT
OVERWORKED, MARTYRED LOOK.
IT'S NOT A LOOK, IT'S MY LIFE.
MY BRATWURST ORDERS
ARE ALL BACKED UP.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF MEAT.
HOW COULD BUTCHERS GO ON STRIKE
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF BRATWURST SEASON?!
COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?
ONLY THIS TIME, FACE THE CAMERA.
NATALIE, I AM REALLY FLATTERED
THAT YOU HAVE CHOSEN
ME AND MY BRATWURST
FOR YOUR STUDENT FILM.
[CHUCKLING]
BUT OUT OF MY WAY, OKAY?
I'M UP TO MY ESOPHAGUS IN WORK!
AND CUT! THAT'S A WRAP.
YOU ARE RELEASED FOR THE DAY.
FINALLY, NOW I'M FREE TO GO
HAVE MY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
ACTRESSES.
I DUMPED YOUR BUNS IN
THE KITCHEN, MRS. GARRETT.
YOU'LL GET THE REST TOMORROW.
IF I LIVE THAT LONG.
OH, JO.
YOU AND THAT BRATWURST
GIVE ME SUCH IDEAS,
LIKE LINKING UP LATER.
RIGHT, MY LITTLE SAUSAGE?
WRONG, YOU WIENIE.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
PUT ME IN MY PLACE.
HEY, NICE PATTERN.
I GOT THE SAME THING IN A COUCH.
[SHOP BELL RINGING]
YES, SIR, MAY I HELP YOU?
AMAZING.
WHAT?
IT'S AMAZING THE WAY YOU'VE
CHANGED THE OLD GRUBER PLACE.
I LIVED IN PEEKSKILL
AS A BOY, OH, YES.
THIS USED TO BE A HOUSE.
NO, NO... A LANDMARK.
NO KIDDING?
WE'RE A HISTORICAL LANDMARK.
HEY, DID GEORGE
WASHINGTON SLEEP HERE?
NOT IF HE HAD MY MATTRESS.
ARE YOU GIRLS PULLING MY LEG?
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
THE HALLOWEEN MASSACRE.
WHAT MASSACRE?
OH, GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW.
LET ME SEE NOW, YES, YES...
HAPPENED BACK IN AUGHT FIVE.
WHEN THIS PLACE WAS THE HOME
OF THE FOUR OLD
MAID GRUBER SISTERS.
"OLD MAID"? NOW THAT'S
A VERY SEXIST TERM.
GO ON.
ONE HALLOWEEN NIGHT,
GERTRUDE, THE MEAN ONE,
GOT INTO A TERRIBLE ARGUMENT
WITH HEIDI AND HELGA AND FRITZY.
OH, YOU COULD HEAR THE DUMMKOPFS
AND SCHWEINHUNDS FOR BLOCKS.
SUDDENLY... THE VOICES STOPPED.
WHY?
THAT'S WHERE THE MASSACRE PART
COMES IN, DUMMKOPF.
YES, OH, YES. THE
WAY I HEARD IT,
OLD GERTIE GOT HEIDI
AND HELGA AND FRITZY
WITH A BIG BUTCHER KNIFE.
NEVER HEARD IN WHAT ORDER.
SO THEY TOOK GRIZZLY
GERTIE AWAY NEXT DAY,
BUT FOLKS SAY SHE
NEVER REALLY LEFT.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, UNEXPLAINED
THINGS STARTED HAPPENING,
LIKE GERTRUDE'S BEDROOM,
THE ONE IN THE BACK,
GOT MUCH COLDER THAN
THE REST OF THE HOUSE.
HEY, THAT'S MRS.
GARRETT'S BEDROOM.
REMEMBER HOW SHE COMPLAINED
HOW COLD IT WAS LAST NIGHT?
OH, BIG DEAL, THE
BEDROOM FACES NORTH.
A COLD ROOM IS NOT THAT STRANGE.
THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
UNTIL THE FOLKS WHO
SLEEP IN THE ROOM
START TO LOSE THEIR MINDS.
THE WAY I HEARD IT, THERE'S
BEEN FIVE OVER THE YEARS.
ALL WOMEN.
ALL CRAZY.
WHAT'S EVERYONE
STANDING AROUND FOR?
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE!
IT'LL WAIT, MRS. GARRETT.
DID YOU KNOW THIS USED
TO BE THE OLD GRUBER PLACE?
THERE WAS THIS
TERRIBLE MASSACRE HERE.
BLOOD ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
IS THAT BRATWURST ANY GOOD?
IT'S THE BEST.
EASY TO SAY.
THE NAME IS BIGLEY.
I'M AT THE MOTEL
DOWN THE STREET.
I'LL PICK UP FIVE
POUNDS OF IT TOMORROW
ON MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT.
11:00 SHARP.
IT WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
WE'LL SEE.
SHOULDN'T YOU TURN
ON THE HEAT IN HERE?
IT'S FREEZING.
[ALL SCREAMING]
OH! OH, MRS. GARRETT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GRIZZLY
GERTIE WITH THAT KNIFE.
OH, OH, TOOTIE.
WHY WERE YOU
SLEEPING IN THAT CHAIR?
I WAS GETTING NERVOUS.
I WANTED TO SLEEP
CLOSER THE DOOR.
OH.
MRS. GARRETT, YOUR JOKE
WORKED A LOT BETTER THIS TIME.
WHAT JOKE?
OH, COME ON, LAST NIGHT,
YOU WERE STANDING
OVER MY BED AT 3:00 A.M.,
SHARPENING THAT BUTCHER KNIFE,
DOING A TERRIFIC GRIZZLY GERTIE.
"HELGA, YOU WILL NOW
LEARN SOME RESPECT, JA?"
GOOD JOKE.
I WASN'T IN HERE
AT ALL LAST NIGHT.
AND I'M IN NO MOOD FOR JOKES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT BUTCHER KNIFE?
HUH? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM
NEXT TO MY TOOTHBRUSH.
WELL, ANYWAY, I NEED
YOU TO GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND HELP ME IN THE STORE.
IT'S ONLY 6:30.
I KNOW BUT I NEED YOU
TO MAKE THE SALADS.
OH, WELL...
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SCROUNGE
UP SOME MEAT SOMEWHERE.
I MAY HAVE TO GET CREATIVE.
NATALIE...
YOU WERE KIDDING
ABOUT MRS. GARRETT
COMING IN HERE LAST
NIGHT, WEREN'T YOU?
THEN YOU WERE DREAMING?
HEY, ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE,
BUT WHEN I DREAM SOMEONE
IS STANDING OVER MY BED,
IT'S GONNA BE RICK SPRINGFIELD.
[LAUGHING]
GUYS, THIS IS SERIOUS.
WHAT IF GRIZZLY GERTIE'S SPIRIT
REALLY IS AFFECTING
MRS. GARRETT?
TOOTIE, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING
TOO MANY HORROR MOVIES.
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MOVIES.
IF NATALIE WAS
DREAMING LAST NIGHT...
THEN WHAT'S MRS. GARRETT'S
SLIPPER DOING IN HERE?
[MACHINE HUMS]
YOU HEAR THAT?
SHE'S SHARPENING
THOSE KNIVES AGAIN.
I'M CONVINCED THAT
WOMAN'S POSSESSED.
TOOTIE.
DON'T "TOOTIE" ME.
POOR MRS. GARRETT'S A
TEXTBOOK CASE OF POSSESSION.
SHE'S GOT ALL THE SYMPTOMS.
SLEEPING IN THE PRESENCE
OF A COLD, EVIL SPIRIT.
SHE'S FORGETFUL, SHE'S LYING.
SHE'S EVEN GOT THAT
GLINT IN HER EYES.
OH, TOOTIE, WOULD YOU CALM DOWN?
HOW CAN I CALM DOWN
WHEN POOR MRS.
GARRETT'S IN TROUBLE?
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN
ONE OF MY BOOKS TO HELP HER OUT.
IT'S HALLOWEEN, YOU
KNOW HOW KIDS GET.
[SHOP BELL RINGING]
TRICK OR TREAT.
COME ON IN.
OH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.
YOU SURE ARE A BIG ANNIE.
VITAMINS.
OKAY.
HERE IS SOME FOR
THE LITTLE ONES.
YOU COULD PUT IT ALL IN HERE.
IT GETS HEAVY FOR
THE LITTLE TIKES.
I'LL DIVVY IT UP LATER.
OKAY.
HOLD IT.
THIS IS THE PUNK THAT'S BEEN
SHOPLIFTING AROUND HERE.
TAKING CANDY FROM
BABIES, THAT'S LOW.
I'VE DONE LOWER.
AH, NOW HIT THE BRICKS.
BOY, IF YOU'RE THIS
ROTTEN AT HALLOWEEN,
I AM NOT GONNA COME
A-WASSAILING AT CHRISTMAS.
GUYS, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S HARDLY YOU, NATALIE.
IT'S MR. BIGLEY'S.
I FOUND IT IN THE
TRASH BEHIND THE SHOP.
ALONG WITH THIS.
THAT'S STRANGE.
I JUST SAW MR. BIGLEY'S
PACKAGE OF BRATWURST.
HE NEVER PICKED IT UP.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO CALL
HIS MOTEL DOWN THE BLOCK.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT?
I HATE IT WHEN YOU PLAY COLUMBO.
THEY'RE LOOKING
FOR MR. BIGLEY, TOO.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO
CHECK OUT AT NOON,
BUT HIS LUGGAGE IS STILL THERE.
ALONG WITH AN AIRLINE
TICKET ON A FLIGHT
THAT LEFT FIVE HOURS AGO.
TOOTIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY BOOKS SAYS THIS IS HOW
YOU EXORCISE EVIL SPIRITS.
YOU LIGHT CANDLES IN
EVERY CORNER OF THE ROOM.
THAT'S NOT EXORCISM.
THAT'S HANUKKAH.
TOOTIE, LOOK AT THIS.
OH, I LOVE IT, NATALIE.
YOU CAN HANDLE BOLD PATTERNS.
IT'S MR. BIGLEY'S.
SHE FOUND IT IN THE TRASH...
ALONG WITH THIS.
SO, UH... WHAT
HAPPENED TO MR. BIGLEY?
I GOT THE MEAT! I GOT THE MEAT!
I GOT THE MEAT! 25 POUNDS!
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
BEATS ME.
I OPENED MY ICEBOX
AND THERE IT WAS,
STARING ME IN THE FACE.
THE DELIVERY BOY
MUST'VE DROPPED IT OFF.
UH, WHAT ABOUT THE STRIKE?
WHO KNOWS? MAYBE
THEY SETTLED IT.
I'M NOT LOOKING GIFT
MEAT IN THE MOUTH.
[MRS. GARRETT LAUGHING]
WELL, ANYWAY, I MIXED UP A
NEW BATCH OF BRATWURST.
WHO WANTS THE FIRST BITE?
ME, I'M STARVED.
AH, GOOD OLD JO.
I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU.
IT'S A LITTLE
DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE IT... WELL?
MMM, OH, THIS IS
BETTER THAN EVER! AH-HA!
THERE'S A NEW
SOMETHING IN THERE.
OR SOMEONE.
SPEAKING OF BRATWURST,
DID MR. BIGLEY COME IN
TO PICK UP HIS ORDER YET?
HE NEVER SHOWED UP THIS MORNING.
OH, WELL, THAT'S
FIVE MORE POUNDS
WE CAN SELL TO SOMEONE ELSE.
JO, HOW CAN YOU GO ON
EATING THAT SANDWICH
WITH POOR MR. BIGLEY MISSING?
SAY SOMETHING.
COULD USE MUSTARD.
OF COURSE...
MR. BIGLEY LOOKED
VERY GOOD IN YELLOW.
WOULD YOU GUYS GIVE ME A BREAK!
[SHOP BELL RINGING]
AH HA HA HA HAH!
HI, ROY.
ROY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.
REMEMBER THE OLD MAN WHO WAS
WEARING THIS JACKET YESTERDAY?
UH, SURE, HE'S GOT
GREAT TASTE, HUH?
WE HOPE NOT.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM
SINCE YESTERDAY?
WELL, YEAH, IN HERE.
ABOUT 11:00 THIS MORNING
ON MY REGULAR BUN RUN.
WHY?
ARE YOU POSITIVE?
ABSOLUTELY.
HE HAD THAT JACKET ON.
AND HE TOLD MRS. GARRETT HE
WAS HERE FOR HIS BRATWURST.
AND THEY BICKERED AWHILE
AND THEN SHE TOOK
HIM BACK TO THE KITCHEN.
WHY?
DID HE COME OUT?
OH, SURE... I GUESS, I LEFT.
WELL, HE HAD TO
COME OUT EVENTUALLY.
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
I DON'T BELIEVE THE WAY YOU
GUYS JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.
I MEAN, WHAT HARD
EVIDENCE HAVE YOU GOT?
A COLD ROOM, MRS. G'S SLIPPER,
MR. BIGLEY'S JACKET,
A BUTCHER KNIFE,
25 POUNDS OF MYSTERY
MEAT... [CHUCKLING]
IT ADDS UP, DOESN'T IT?
OH, GIRLS, I'M IN TROUBLE.
I JUST GOT AN ORDER FROM A
SUPERMARKET IN TARRYTOWN
FOR ALL THE BRATWURST
I CAN TURN OUT.
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE
GONNA NEED MORE MEAT?
POUNDS AND POUNDS.
OH, DEAR.
[BELL RINGS]
TRICK OR TREAT!
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE.
I'M GRETEL, HE'S HANSEL.
I KNEW THAT.
YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.
TELL ME, DO YOU KNOW THE
STORY OF HANSEL AND GRETEL?
SURE!
GOOD.
BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO FATTEN YOU UP
AND POP YOU IN THE OVEN.
OKAY. [LAUGHING]
WELL, GOODBYE, KIDS,
WE'RE ALL OUT OF CANDY.
YEAH, WELL... HERE'S SOME PASTA.
MMM, I SMELL SOMETHING GOOD.
ME, TOO.
IS THAT COMING FROM THE KITCHEN?
UM-HMM.
I HAVE SOMETHING IN THE OVEN.
YOU DON'T WANT TO GO IN THERE.
OH, PLEASE, JUST
ONE LITTLE PEEK?
AND THEN ONE LITTLE BITE?
MMM, MMM...
HOW CAN I SAY NO TO
HANSEL AND GRETEL?
COME ON.
NO, DON'T, PLEASE, KIDS,
GET OUT OF HERE, RUN, RUN!
JO, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
CRAZY ABOUT LITTLE KIDS,
BUT IT'S HALLOWEEN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR NIGHT!
I, I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO
SPOIL THINGS, MRS. GARR...
NEVER MIND!
IT'S TOO LATE FOR
THAT NOW, ISN'T IT?
OH, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CLOSING UP, IT'S 8:00.
TIME TO WORK ON THE BRATWURST.
I'LL NEED YOU ALL FOR THIS.
TURN OFF THE REST OF THE LIGHTS,
AND I'LL SHARPEN ALL THE
KNIVES AND THE CLEAVER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S NOT PANIC.
THERE'S ONE OF
HER AND FOUR OF US.
I DON'T LIKE THOSE ODDS.
A PERSON POSSESSED
HAS THE STRENGTH OF TEN!
OH... OH... BLAIR,
IN HORROR MOVIES,
THE WHIMPERER
ALWAYS GETS IT FIRST.
OHH...
THE IMPORTANT THING IS IS
THAT WE STICK TOGETHER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S THROW
OURSELVES INTO IT.
NATALIE AND TOOTIE
WILL START OFF FIRST.
NO, NO, MRS. GARRETT,
WE'VE MADE A PACT
TO STAY TOGETHER.
BUT I CAN'T USE YOU ALL AT ONCE!
JO, BLAIR, YOU
CLEAN UP OUT HERE.
WE'LL, I'LL BUY THAT!
NATALIE AND TOOTIE
WILL HELP ME WITH THE BRATWURST.
I'D LOVE TO, MRS. GARRETT BUT...
I'VE BEEN FEELING
KIND OF SICK LATELY.
[COUGH]
I REALLY WOULDN'T
MAKE GOOD BRATWURST.
NATALIE, I DON'T
EXPECT YOU TO COOK.
TOOTIE?
UH... I CAN'T HELP YOU EITHER.
I GOTTA STUDY FOR FINALS.
IN OCTOBER?
SURE, THEY'RE DOING
FINALS EARLY THIS SEMESTER
SO THEY DON'T SEEM SO... FINAL.
LOOK, I KNOW GOOFING
AROUND WHEN I SEE IT.
NOW, INTO THE KITCHEN AND
LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH.
YOU KNOW, MRS. GARRETT, YOU'VE
REALLY BEEN WORKING TOO HARD.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WON'T!
NOW, GET IN THERE!
AH!
WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE?
YOU'RE NOT TURNING
THIS BRAT INTO BRATWURST.
GIRLS, WILL YOU STOP THIS,
I'M REALLY GETTING MIFFED!
HEY, MRS. GARRETT...
JUST GIVE ME THE KNIFE...
AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.
CAREFUL, SHE'S CLEVER.
HERE.
BUT WILL SOMEONE PLEASE
TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
FIRST, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
WHAT YOU DID WITH MR. BIGLEY.
MR. BIGLEY? MR. BIGLEY?
WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK
ABOUT MR. BIGLEY?
HE'S BEEN MISSING
ALL DAY, MRS. GARRETT.
BUT HE WAS SEEN HERE EARLIER.
AND WE FOUND HIS
JACKET IN THE TRASH.
SO?
SO... THAT'S ALL WE FOUND.
WE KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO MR. BIGLEY.
FACTS ARE FACTS.
SOON AFTER
MR. BIGLEY DISAPPEARED,
YOUR BRATWURST RUNNETH OVER.
BIGLEY IN MY BRATWURST?
ARE YOU GIRLS CRAZY?
WE ASKED YOU FIRST.
NOW, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
THE POSSESSEE IS
ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
MRS. GARRETT, I CAN
ARRANGE A REALLY TOP-DRAWER
EXORCISM FOR YOU.
MY MOTHER KNOWS ALL THE BIGGIES
OVER AT ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL.
HI, THERE.
MR. BIGLEY?!
YOU'RE ALIVE!
WELL, OF COURSE HE'S ALIVE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
I'VE JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF.
NATALIE, I HOPE I DIDN'T MESS
THINGS UP, BUT I NEED MY JACKET.
MESS WHAT UP?
HOLD IT, NATALIE.
HERE.
HOW COME BIGLEY KNOWS YOUR NAME?
I LOOK LIKE A NATALIE?
NOT FOR LONG.
NOW WHAT'S GOING ON?
I HATE IT WHEN YOU PLAY COLUMBO.
JO... HOW COULD
NATALIE BE INVOLVED
WITH SOMETHING THIS CRAZY?
NATALIE?
YOU KNOW, MRS. GARRETT,
IT MIGHT HELP TO LOOK AT THIS
AS A CASE OF
"CREATIVITY UNLEASHED."
I DON'T THINK SO.
I DON'T EITHER.
OKAY, HERE IT GOES.
I MADE "THE HALLOWEEN
MASSACRE" UP.
YOU MADE IT UP?!
YEAH, SURE DID.
YOU MEAN, THERE'S
NO "GRISLY GERTIE?"
NO HEIDI, NO HELGA?
NO FRITZY.
AND NO MR. BIGLEY.
[CHUCKLING]
THE NAME'S LAZZERONI.
I WAS GOOD, WASN'T I?
AND I'M THE CARETAKER
AT THE TOWN CEMETERY.
AH, BUT MY FIRST LOVE HAS REALLY
ALWAYS BEEN THE THEATER.
[CHUCKLING]
YOU THOUGHT I WAS AN
OLD CRANK, DIDN'T YOU?
THAT WAS ACTING.
I'M REALLY A VERY MELLOW GUY.
CIAO.
TALK, NATALIE.
I WAS WORKING ON MY
STUDENT FILM PROJECT.
AND I WANTED TO DO A HORROR
MOVIE LIVE AS IT HAPPENED.
AND, UH, THE SCRIPT
CALLED FOR A MURDERESS
AND I WAS IT.
RIGHT.
AND I PLANTED CLUES
ALL OVER THE PLACE
TO TRY AND MAKE THE GIRLS
BELIEVE YOU WERE POSSESSED.
IT WASN'T EASY.
THAT'S COMFORTING.
BUT A SLIPPER, A KNIFE,
25 POUNDS OF MEAT.
I FINALLY CONVINCED THEM.
SHE DID NOT.
WE DIDN'T BELIEVE
IT FOR A SECOND.
WE WERE KIDDING, MRS. G.
WELL, YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.
I GOT SOME GREAT FOOTAGE.
OOPS, I FORGOT MY CAMERA MAN.
AND CUT!
OKAY, COME ON OUT!
SMILE, YOU'RE ON
"CANDID CAMERA."
ROY... HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN IN THAT BARREL?
NOT LONG ENOUGH.
NATALIE, YOU CAUSED
US ALL OF THIS GRIEF
OVER SOME DUMB MOVIE?
YOU SCARED THE
DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME.
YOU WANT TO TALK WORRY LINES?
GUYS, THIS IS THE STUFF
MEMORIES ARE MADE OF.
SOMEDAY WE'LL LAUGH
ABOUT THIS... NOT SOON.
GIRLS, WAIT.
NO MATTER HOW SELFISH,
MANIPULATIVE AND...
STUPID.
THANK YOU, "STUPID",
NATALIE HAS ACTED,
UH, SHE WASN'T TOTALLY LYING.
I WASN'T?! MMM.
THE LEGEND IS TRUE.
IT IS HALLOWEEN...
AND THERE "VILL" BE A MURDER
IN THIS HOUSE TONIGHT.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AN ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
OH, THAT IS GREAT, NOW
TAKE A MOMENT, MRS. GARRETT.
RELATE TO THE BRATWURST.
I DON'T HAVE A MOMENT.
OH, GOOD, I LIKE THAT
OVERWORKED, MARTYRED LOOK.
IT'S NOT A LOOK, IT'S MY LIFE.
MY BRATWURST ORDERS
ARE ALL BACKED UP.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF MEAT.
HOW COULD BUTCHERS GO ON STRIKE
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF BRATWURST SEASON?!
COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?
ONLY THIS TIME, FACE THE CAMERA.
NATALIE, I AM REALLY FLATTERED
THAT YOU HAVE CHOSEN
ME AND MY BRATWURST
FOR YOUR STUDENT FILM.
[CHUCKLING]
BUT OUT OF MY WAY, OKAY?
I'M UP TO MY ESOPHAGUS IN WORK!
AND CUT! THAT'S A WRAP.
YOU ARE RELEASED FOR THE DAY.
FINALLY, NOW I'M FREE TO GO
HAVE MY NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
ACTRESSES.
I DUMPED YOUR BUNS IN
THE KITCHEN, MRS. GARRETT.
YOU'LL GET THE REST TOMORROW.
IF I LIVE THAT LONG.
OH, JO.
YOU AND THAT BRATWURST
GIVE ME SUCH IDEAS,
LIKE LINKING UP LATER.
RIGHT, MY LITTLE SAUSAGE?
WRONG, YOU WIENIE.
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
PUT ME IN MY PLACE.
HEY, NICE PATTERN.
I GOT THE SAME THING IN A COUCH.
[SHOP BELL RINGING]
YES, SIR, MAY I HELP YOU?
AMAZING.
WHAT?
IT'S AMAZING THE WAY YOU'VE
CHANGED THE OLD GRUBER PLACE.
I LIVED IN PEEKSKILL
AS A BOY, OH, YES.
THIS USED TO BE A HOUSE.
NO, NO... A LANDMARK.
NO KIDDING?
WE'RE A HISTORICAL LANDMARK.
HEY, DID GEORGE
WASHINGTON SLEEP HERE?
NOT IF HE HAD MY MATTRESS.
ARE YOU GIRLS PULLING MY LEG?
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
THE HALLOWEEN MASSACRE.
WHAT MASSACRE?
OH, GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW.
LET ME SEE NOW, YES, YES...
HAPPENED BACK IN AUGHT FIVE.
WHEN THIS PLACE WAS THE HOME
OF THE FOUR OLD
MAID GRUBER SISTERS.
"OLD MAID"? NOW THAT'S
A VERY SEXIST TERM.
GO ON.
ONE HALLOWEEN NIGHT,
GERTRUDE, THE MEAN ONE,
GOT INTO A TERRIBLE ARGUMENT
WITH HEIDI AND HELGA AND FRITZY.
OH, YOU COULD HEAR THE DUMMKOPFS
AND SCHWEINHUNDS FOR BLOCKS.
SUDDENLY... THE VOICES STOPPED.
WHY?
THAT'S WHERE THE MASSACRE PART
COMES IN, DUMMKOPF.
YES, OH, YES. THE
WAY I HEARD IT,
OLD GERTIE GOT HEIDI
AND HELGA AND FRITZY
WITH A BIG BUTCHER KNIFE.
NEVER HEARD IN WHAT ORDER.
SO THEY TOOK GRIZZLY
GERTIE AWAY NEXT DAY,
BUT FOLKS SAY SHE
NEVER REALLY LEFT.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.
WELL, UNEXPLAINED
THINGS STARTED HAPPENING,
LIKE GERTRUDE'S BEDROOM,
THE ONE IN THE BACK,
GOT MUCH COLDER THAN
THE REST OF THE HOUSE.
HEY, THAT'S MRS.
GARRETT'S BEDROOM.
REMEMBER HOW SHE COMPLAINED
HOW COLD IT WAS LAST NIGHT?
OH, BIG DEAL, THE
BEDROOM FACES NORTH.
A COLD ROOM IS NOT THAT STRANGE.
THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
UNTIL THE FOLKS WHO
SLEEP IN THE ROOM
START TO LOSE THEIR MINDS.
THE WAY I HEARD IT, THERE'S
BEEN FIVE OVER THE YEARS.
ALL WOMEN.
ALL CRAZY.
WHAT'S EVERYONE
STANDING AROUND FOR?
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE!
IT'LL WAIT, MRS. GARRETT.
DID YOU KNOW THIS USED
TO BE THE OLD GRUBER PLACE?
THERE WAS THIS
TERRIBLE MASSACRE HERE.
BLOOD ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
IS THAT BRATWURST ANY GOOD?
IT'S THE BEST.
EASY TO SAY.
THE NAME IS BIGLEY.
I'M AT THE MOTEL
DOWN THE STREET.
I'LL PICK UP FIVE
POUNDS OF IT TOMORROW
ON MY WAY TO THE AIRPORT.
11:00 SHARP.
IT WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU.
WE'LL SEE.
SHOULDN'T YOU TURN
ON THE HEAT IN HERE?
IT'S FREEZING.
[ALL SCREAMING]
OH! OH, MRS. GARRETT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GRIZZLY
GERTIE WITH THAT KNIFE.
OH, OH, TOOTIE.
WHY WERE YOU
SLEEPING IN THAT CHAIR?
I WAS GETTING NERVOUS.
I WANTED TO SLEEP
CLOSER THE DOOR.
OH.
MRS. GARRETT, YOUR JOKE
WORKED A LOT BETTER THIS TIME.
WHAT JOKE?
OH, COME ON, LAST NIGHT,
YOU WERE STANDING
OVER MY BED AT 3:00 A.M.,
SHARPENING THAT BUTCHER KNIFE,
DOING A TERRIFIC GRIZZLY GERTIE.
"HELGA, YOU WILL NOW
LEARN SOME RESPECT, JA?"
GOOD JOKE.
I WASN'T IN HERE
AT ALL LAST NIGHT.
AND I'M IN NO MOOD FOR JOKES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT BUTCHER KNIFE?
HUH? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM
NEXT TO MY TOOTHBRUSH.
WELL, ANYWAY, I NEED
YOU TO GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND HELP ME IN THE STORE.
IT'S ONLY 6:30.
I KNOW BUT I NEED YOU
TO MAKE THE SALADS.
OH, WELL...
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SCROUNGE
UP SOME MEAT SOMEWHERE.
I MAY HAVE TO GET CREATIVE.
NATALIE...
YOU WERE KIDDING
ABOUT MRS. GARRETT
COMING IN HERE LAST
NIGHT, WEREN'T YOU?
THEN YOU WERE DREAMING?
HEY, ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE,
BUT WHEN I DREAM SOMEONE
IS STANDING OVER MY BED,
IT'S GONNA BE RICK SPRINGFIELD.
[LAUGHING]
GUYS, THIS IS SERIOUS.
WHAT IF GRIZZLY GERTIE'S SPIRIT
REALLY IS AFFECTING
MRS. GARRETT?
TOOTIE, YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING
TOO MANY HORROR MOVIES.
THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH MOVIES.
IF NATALIE WAS
DREAMING LAST NIGHT...
THEN WHAT'S MRS. GARRETT'S
SLIPPER DOING IN HERE?
[MACHINE HUMS]
YOU HEAR THAT?
SHE'S SHARPENING
THOSE KNIVES AGAIN.
I'M CONVINCED THAT
WOMAN'S POSSESSED.
TOOTIE.
DON'T "TOOTIE" ME.
POOR MRS. GARRETT'S A
TEXTBOOK CASE OF POSSESSION.
SHE'S GOT ALL THE SYMPTOMS.
SLEEPING IN THE PRESENCE
OF A COLD, EVIL SPIRIT.
SHE'S FORGETFUL, SHE'S LYING.
SHE'S EVEN GOT THAT
GLINT IN HER EYES.
OH, TOOTIE, WOULD YOU CALM DOWN?
HOW CAN I CALM DOWN
WHEN POOR MRS.
GARRETT'S IN TROUBLE?
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN
ONE OF MY BOOKS TO HELP HER OUT.
IT'S HALLOWEEN, YOU
KNOW HOW KIDS GET.
[SHOP BELL RINGING]
TRICK OR TREAT.
COME ON IN.
OH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.
YOU SURE ARE A BIG ANNIE.
VITAMINS.
OKAY.
HERE IS SOME FOR
THE LITTLE ONES.
YOU COULD PUT IT ALL IN HERE.
IT GETS HEAVY FOR
THE LITTLE TIKES.
I'LL DIVVY IT UP LATER.
OKAY.
HOLD IT.
THIS IS THE PUNK THAT'S BEEN
SHOPLIFTING AROUND HERE.
TAKING CANDY FROM
BABIES, THAT'S LOW.
I'VE DONE LOWER.
AH, NOW HIT THE BRICKS.
BOY, IF YOU'RE THIS
ROTTEN AT HALLOWEEN,
I AM NOT GONNA COME
A-WASSAILING AT CHRISTMAS.
GUYS, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S HARDLY YOU, NATALIE.
IT'S MR. BIGLEY'S.
I FOUND IT IN THE
TRASH BEHIND THE SHOP.
ALONG WITH THIS.
THAT'S STRANGE.
I JUST SAW MR. BIGLEY'S
PACKAGE OF BRATWURST.
HE NEVER PICKED IT UP.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO CALL
HIS MOTEL DOWN THE BLOCK.
YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT?
I HATE IT WHEN YOU PLAY COLUMBO.
THEY'RE LOOKING
FOR MR. BIGLEY, TOO.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO
CHECK OUT AT NOON,
BUT HIS LUGGAGE IS STILL THERE.
ALONG WITH AN AIRLINE
TICKET ON A FLIGHT
THAT LEFT FIVE HOURS AGO.
TOOTIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY BOOKS SAYS THIS IS HOW
YOU EXORCISE EVIL SPIRITS.
YOU LIGHT CANDLES IN
EVERY CORNER OF THE ROOM.
THAT'S NOT EXORCISM.
THAT'S HANUKKAH.
TOOTIE, LOOK AT THIS.
OH, I LOVE IT, NATALIE.
YOU CAN HANDLE BOLD PATTERNS.
IT'S MR. BIGLEY'S.
SHE FOUND IT IN THE TRASH...
ALONG WITH THIS.
SO, UH... WHAT
HAPPENED TO MR. BIGLEY?
I GOT THE MEAT! I GOT THE MEAT!
I GOT THE MEAT! 25 POUNDS!
WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
BEATS ME.
I OPENED MY ICEBOX
AND THERE IT WAS,
STARING ME IN THE FACE.
THE DELIVERY BOY
MUST'VE DROPPED IT OFF.
UH, WHAT ABOUT THE STRIKE?
WHO KNOWS? MAYBE
THEY SETTLED IT.
I'M NOT LOOKING GIFT
MEAT IN THE MOUTH.
[MRS. GARRETT LAUGHING]
WELL, ANYWAY, I MIXED UP A
NEW BATCH OF BRATWURST.
WHO WANTS THE FIRST BITE?
ME, I'M STARVED.
AH, GOOD OLD JO.
I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU.
IT'S A LITTLE
DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE IT... WELL?
MMM, OH, THIS IS
BETTER THAN EVER! AH-HA!
THERE'S A NEW
SOMETHING IN THERE.
OR SOMEONE.
SPEAKING OF BRATWURST,
DID MR. BIGLEY COME IN
TO PICK UP HIS ORDER YET?
HE NEVER SHOWED UP THIS MORNING.
OH, WELL, THAT'S
FIVE MORE POUNDS
WE CAN SELL TO SOMEONE ELSE.
JO, HOW CAN YOU GO ON
EATING THAT SANDWICH
WITH POOR MR. BIGLEY MISSING?
SAY SOMETHING.
COULD USE MUSTARD.
OF COURSE...
MR. BIGLEY LOOKED
VERY GOOD IN YELLOW.
WOULD YOU GUYS GIVE ME A BREAK!
[SHOP BELL RINGING]
AH HA HA HA HAH!
HI, ROY.
ROY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.
REMEMBER THE OLD MAN WHO WAS
WEARING THIS JACKET YESTERDAY?
UH, SURE, HE'S GOT
GREAT TASTE, HUH?
WE HOPE NOT.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM
SINCE YESTERDAY?
WELL, YEAH, IN HERE.
ABOUT 11:00 THIS MORNING
ON MY REGULAR BUN RUN.
WHY?
ARE YOU POSITIVE?
ABSOLUTELY.
HE HAD THAT JACKET ON.
AND HE TOLD MRS. GARRETT HE
WAS HERE FOR HIS BRATWURST.
AND THEY BICKERED AWHILE
AND THEN SHE TOOK
HIM BACK TO THE KITCHEN.
WHY?
DID HE COME OUT?
OH, SURE... I GUESS, I LEFT.
WELL, HE HAD TO
COME OUT EVENTUALLY.
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
I DON'T BELIEVE THE WAY YOU
GUYS JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.
I MEAN, WHAT HARD
EVIDENCE HAVE YOU GOT?
A COLD ROOM, MRS. G'S SLIPPER,
MR. BIGLEY'S JACKET,
A BUTCHER KNIFE,
25 POUNDS OF MYSTERY
MEAT... [CHUCKLING]
IT ADDS UP, DOESN'T IT?
OH, GIRLS, I'M IN TROUBLE.
I JUST GOT AN ORDER FROM A
SUPERMARKET IN TARRYTOWN
FOR ALL THE BRATWURST
I CAN TURN OUT.
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE
GONNA NEED MORE MEAT?
POUNDS AND POUNDS.
OH, DEAR.
[BELL RINGS]
TRICK OR TREAT!
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE.
I'M GRETEL, HE'S HANSEL.
I KNEW THAT.
YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.
TELL ME, DO YOU KNOW THE
STORY OF HANSEL AND GRETEL?
SURE!
GOOD.
BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO FATTEN YOU UP
AND POP YOU IN THE OVEN.
OKAY. [LAUGHING]
WELL, GOODBYE, KIDS,
WE'RE ALL OUT OF CANDY.
YEAH, WELL... HERE'S SOME PASTA.
MMM, I SMELL SOMETHING GOOD.
ME, TOO.
IS THAT COMING FROM THE KITCHEN?
UM-HMM.
I HAVE SOMETHING IN THE OVEN.
YOU DON'T WANT TO GO IN THERE.
OH, PLEASE, JUST
ONE LITTLE PEEK?
AND THEN ONE LITTLE BITE?
MMM, MMM...
HOW CAN I SAY NO TO
HANSEL AND GRETEL?
COME ON.
NO, DON'T, PLEASE, KIDS,
GET OUT OF HERE, RUN, RUN!
JO, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
CRAZY ABOUT LITTLE KIDS,
BUT IT'S HALLOWEEN.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THEIR NIGHT!
I, I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN TO
SPOIL THINGS, MRS. GARR...
NEVER MIND!
IT'S TOO LATE FOR
THAT NOW, ISN'T IT?
OH, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CLOSING UP, IT'S 8:00.
TIME TO WORK ON THE BRATWURST.
I'LL NEED YOU ALL FOR THIS.
TURN OFF THE REST OF THE LIGHTS,
AND I'LL SHARPEN ALL THE
KNIVES AND THE CLEAVER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S NOT PANIC.
THERE'S ONE OF
HER AND FOUR OF US.
I DON'T LIKE THOSE ODDS.
A PERSON POSSESSED
HAS THE STRENGTH OF TEN!
OH... OH... BLAIR,
IN HORROR MOVIES,
THE WHIMPERER
ALWAYS GETS IT FIRST.
OHH...
THE IMPORTANT THING IS IS
THAT WE STICK TOGETHER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S THROW
OURSELVES INTO IT.
NATALIE AND TOOTIE
WILL START OFF FIRST.
NO, NO, MRS. GARRETT,
WE'VE MADE A PACT
TO STAY TOGETHER.
BUT I CAN'T USE YOU ALL AT ONCE!
JO, BLAIR, YOU
CLEAN UP OUT HERE.
WE'LL, I'LL BUY THAT!
NATALIE AND TOOTIE
WILL HELP ME WITH THE BRATWURST.
I'D LOVE TO, MRS. GARRETT BUT...
I'VE BEEN FEELING
KIND OF SICK LATELY.
[COUGH]
I REALLY WOULDN'T
MAKE GOOD BRATWURST.
NATALIE, I DON'T
EXPECT YOU TO COOK.
TOOTIE?
UH... I CAN'T HELP YOU EITHER.
I GOTTA STUDY FOR FINALS.
IN OCTOBER?
SURE, THEY'RE DOING
FINALS EARLY THIS SEMESTER
SO THEY DON'T SEEM SO... FINAL.
LOOK, I KNOW GOOFING
AROUND WHEN I SEE IT.
NOW, INTO THE KITCHEN AND
LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH.
YOU KNOW, MRS. GARRETT, YOU'VE
REALLY BEEN WORKING TOO HARD.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WON'T!
NOW, GET IN THERE!
AH!
WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE?
YOU'RE NOT TURNING
THIS BRAT INTO BRATWURST.
GIRLS, WILL YOU STOP THIS,
I'M REALLY GETTING MIFFED!
HEY, MRS. GARRETT...
JUST GIVE ME THE KNIFE...
AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.
CAREFUL, SHE'S CLEVER.
HERE.
BUT WILL SOMEONE PLEASE
TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
FIRST, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
WHAT YOU DID WITH MR. BIGLEY.
MR. BIGLEY? MR. BIGLEY?
WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK
ABOUT MR. BIGLEY?
HE'S BEEN MISSING
ALL DAY, MRS. GARRETT.
BUT HE WAS SEEN HERE EARLIER.
AND WE FOUND HIS
JACKET IN THE TRASH.
SO?
SO... THAT'S ALL WE FOUND.
WE KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO MR. BIGLEY.
FACTS ARE FACTS.
SOON AFTER
MR. BIGLEY DISAPPEARED,
YOUR BRATWURST RUNNETH OVER.
BIGLEY IN MY BRATWURST?
ARE YOU GIRLS CRAZY?
WE ASKED YOU FIRST.
NOW, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
THE POSSESSEE IS
ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
MRS. GARRETT, I CAN
ARRANGE A REALLY TOP-DRAWER
EXORCISM FOR YOU.
MY MOTHER KNOWS ALL THE BIGGIES
OVER AT ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL.
HI, THERE.
MR. BIGLEY?!
YOU'RE ALIVE!
WELL, OF COURSE HE'S ALIVE.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
I'VE JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF.
NATALIE, I HOPE I DIDN'T MESS
THINGS UP, BUT I NEED MY JACKET.
MESS WHAT UP?
HOLD IT, NATALIE.
HERE.
HOW COME BIGLEY KNOWS YOUR NAME?
I LOOK LIKE A NATALIE?
NOT FOR LONG.
NOW WHAT'S GOING ON?
I HATE IT WHEN YOU PLAY COLUMBO.
JO... HOW COULD
NATALIE BE INVOLVED
WITH SOMETHING THIS CRAZY?
NATALIE?
YOU KNOW, MRS. GARRETT,
IT MIGHT HELP TO LOOK AT THIS
AS A CASE OF
"CREATIVITY UNLEASHED."
I DON'T THINK SO.
I DON'T EITHER.
OKAY, HERE IT GOES.
I MADE "THE HALLOWEEN
MASSACRE" UP.
YOU MADE IT UP?!
YEAH, SURE DID.
YOU MEAN, THERE'S
NO "GRISLY GERTIE?"
NO HEIDI, NO HELGA?
NO FRITZY.
AND NO MR. BIGLEY.
[CHUCKLING]
THE NAME'S LAZZERONI.
I WAS GOOD, WASN'T I?
AND I'M THE CARETAKER
AT THE TOWN CEMETERY.
AH, BUT MY FIRST LOVE HAS REALLY
ALWAYS BEEN THE THEATER.
[CHUCKLING]
YOU THOUGHT I WAS AN
OLD CRANK, DIDN'T YOU?
THAT WAS ACTING.
I'M REALLY A VERY MELLOW GUY.
CIAO.
TALK, NATALIE.
I WAS WORKING ON MY
STUDENT FILM PROJECT.
AND I WANTED TO DO A HORROR
MOVIE LIVE AS IT HAPPENED.
AND, UH, THE SCRIPT
CALLED FOR A MURDERESS
AND I WAS IT.
RIGHT.
AND I PLANTED CLUES
ALL OVER THE PLACE
TO TRY AND MAKE THE GIRLS
BELIEVE YOU WERE POSSESSED.
IT WASN'T EASY.
THAT'S COMFORTING.
BUT A SLIPPER, A KNIFE,
25 POUNDS OF MEAT.
I FINALLY CONVINCED THEM.
SHE DID NOT.
WE DIDN'T BELIEVE
IT FOR A SECOND.
WE WERE KIDDING, MRS. G.
WELL, YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.
I GOT SOME GREAT FOOTAGE.
OOPS, I FORGOT MY CAMERA MAN.
AND CUT!
OKAY, COME ON OUT!
SMILE, YOU'RE ON
"CANDID CAMERA."
ROY... HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN IN THAT BARREL?
NOT LONG ENOUGH.
NATALIE, YOU CAUSED
US ALL OF THIS GRIEF
OVER SOME DUMB MOVIE?
YOU SCARED THE
DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME.
YOU WANT TO TALK WORRY LINES?
GUYS, THIS IS THE STUFF
MEMORIES ARE MADE OF.
SOMEDAY WE'LL LAUGH
ABOUT THIS... NOT SOON.
GIRLS, WAIT.
NO MATTER HOW SELFISH,
MANIPULATIVE AND...
STUPID.
THANK YOU, "STUPID",
NATALIE HAS ACTED,
UH, SHE WASN'T TOTALLY LYING.
I WASN'T?! MMM.
THE LEGEND IS TRUE.
IT IS HALLOWEEN...
AND THERE "VILL" BE A MURDER
IN THIS HOUSE TONIGHT.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AN ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪