The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 15 - Crossing the Line - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪



♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA... ♪

I HATE WINTER CARNIVAL.

EVERY BOZO IN TOWN
IS GOING AROUND,

SMILING AND
SINGING HIS HEAD OFF.

♪ LET IT SNOW, LET IT
SNOW, LET IT SNOW ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪



OH, JO, DON'T BE SUCH A GRINCH.

THIS IS WINTER CARNIVAL.

LET'S TRY TO BE CHEERY
AND MERRY AND IMPISH.

MRS. G, I'M AS IMPISH
AS THE NEXT GUY,

BUT TO ME, WINTER
CARNIVAL DOESN'T MEAN

GOING AROUND, WAITING
TABLES ALL WEEKEND.

JO, THE TOWN'S JUMPING.

EVERY RESTAURANT
HAS A WAITING LINE.

THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO CASH IN.

COME ON, JO, PLAYING
WAITRESS WILL BE FUN.

WELL, IF THIS IS
GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN,

HOW COME NATALIE AND
TOOTIE SKIPPED OUT ON IT?

JO, BE HUMAN.

TOOTIE'S COUSIN MICHAEL
IS UP FOR THE WEEKEND.

THAT EXCUSE RANKS RIGHT
UP THERE WITH, "MY DOG ATE IT."

WELL, TOOTIE AND JEFF WANT TO SHOW
MICHAEL AROUND LANGLEY COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S THINKING
OF GOING THERE NEXT YEAR.

WELL, FINE, BUT NATALIE
DIDN'T HAVE TO TAG ALONG.

SHE EVEN BROUGHT HARVEY WITH HER,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE SEES IN HIM.

WELL, HARVEY'S A VERY NICE BOY,

IN A TRAINING WHEEL SORT OF WAY.

ACTUALLY, MRS. GARRETT, HARVEY
IS SOMEWHAT LESS THAN THRILLING.

LAST SATURDAY NIGHT, HE
TOOK NATALIE TO THE LIBRARY

TO SEE THEIR EXHIBIT ON
"LEAD, THE WONDER METAL."

[BELLS ON DOOR JINGLING]

CUSTOMERS! CUSTOMERS!

ALL RIGHT, JO,

WAITRESSING IS A
DIFFICULT ART TO MASTER,

BUT IT CAN BE SIMPLE
IF YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT WAITING TABLES?

PLENTY. I'VE BEEN
WAITED ON ALL MY LIFE.

NOW, JO, WHAT IS THE
FIRST RULE OF WAITRESSING?

IF A CUSTOMER TRIES
TO FLAG YOU DOWN,

SAY, "IT'S NOT MY STATION."

NOW, DON'T SNARL, JO.
NOBODY TIPS A GLOOMY GUS.

LOOK, I DON'T NEED YOU TO
TELL ME HOW TO WAIT TABLES.

MY MOTHER IS A WAITRESS.

TRUE, TRUE, BUT YOUR MOTHER
IS A COCKTAIL WAITRESS, DEAR.

ALL SHE NEEDS TO DO IS TELL
PEOPLE WHEN THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH

AND TURN DOWN
MARRIAGE PROPOSALS.

I DO THOSE THINGS
ON AN AVERAGE DATE.

OBSERVE.

HELLO, AND WELCOME

TO EDNA'S WINTER WONDERLAND.

MAY I HELP YOU? HI, JO!

IT'S NOT MY STATION!

HI, JEFF.

HI, MRS. GARRETT.

MRS. GARRETT, I WANT YOU
TO MEET MY COUSIN MICHAEL.

MICHAEL. OH, IT'S
GOOD TO MEET YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MRS. GARRETT.

TOOTIE'S TOLD ME A LOT OF
GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU.

I CHECKED THEM OUT, AND
MOST OF THEM ARE TRUE.

OH, STOP FLATTERING ME, MICHAEL.

[LAUGHS] WOW. DOESN'T
SOUND TOO FLATTERING TO ME.

OH, TOOTIE'S TOLD
US ALL ABOUT YOU TOO.

SHE SAYS YOU'RE
HER FAVORITE COUSIN.

REALLY? UH-HUH.

THANKS, CUZ.

MIKE, I PAID HER TO SAY IT.

OH, JEFF!

I FELT SORRY FOR HIM.

COME ON, GANG, SIT DOWN.

DID JEFF REALLY
PAY HER, NATALIE?

NO, HARVEY. IT WAS A JOKE.

YOU GUYS ARE WILD.

I NEVER KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE KIDDING.

WHEN YOU'RE KIDDING, COULD YOU
PLEASE RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND?

RIGHT. OK, HARVEY.

NOW, WHAT CAN I GET YOU PEOPLE?
SOME HOT CIDER, MAYBE? HUH?

THAT SOUNDS GREAT. OK.

UH, ANYBODY WANT ANYTHING ELSE?

COULD I HAVE SOME NOSE DROPS?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

DID I RAISE MY RIGHT HAND?

WHEN I WAS OUT ON THAT FIELD,
SOMEBODY THREW A SNOWBALL IN MY FACE.

I THINK PART OF IT IS
STILL LODGED IN MY NOSE.

YOU'RE THE LIFE OF
THE PARTY, HARVEY.

SOUNDS LIKE THE WINTER
CARNIVAL GOT A LITTLE CRAZY,

AS USUAL.

OH, IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.

WE ENTERED A CONTEST TO SEE WHO
COULD BUILD THE BIGGEST SNOWBALL.

YEAH? HOW'D IT GO?

BY THE TIME THE
JUDGE GOT TO OURS,

IT MELTED DOWN TO A CUBE.

WE DID WIN FIRST PRIZE FOR
BUILDING THE COLDEST CROUTON.

I ALWAYS LEAVE
OUT THE BEST PART.

WAIT A MINUTE. [SNIFFLING]

DID WE WIN A PRIZE
AND NOBODY TOLD ME?

UH, MICHAEL WAS KIDDING, HARVEY.

RAISE YOUR HAND, MIKE. REALLY.

THANKS. I'LL GO GET THAT CIDER.

NATALIE, I'M FEELING A
LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER.

I THINK I'D BETTER GO BACK TO
THE DORM AND LET MY NOSE DRY OUT.

OK, HARVEY. SEE
YOU LATER, HARVEY.

BYE. NICE MEETING
YOU. NICE MEETING YOU.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
TAKE THESE, PLEASE.

THANKS.

HEY, NATALIE, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH HARVEY?

HE SEEMS SO DULL AND LIFELESS.

USUALLY HE'S JUST DULL.

IT'S HARD TO BE PERKY
WHEN YOUR NOSE IS DRAINING.

SO, MIKE, WHEN DO YOU
HAVE TO GO INTO THE CITY?

FIRST THING TOMORROW.

OH, LISTEN, NAT, HAVE YOU
GOT ANY PLANS TONIGHT?

I GUESS NOT.

HOW ABOUT DINNER?

WELL, WHO'S PAYING?

YOU HAVE TO SAY
"YES" TO FIND OUT.

OK, YES.

FINE. YOU'RE PAYING.

[LAUGHTER] THANKS A LOT.

HEY, WHO DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW TO
GET SOME SERVICE AROUND HERE, HUH?

MISS! YOO-HOO!

[LAUGHTER]

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
ONLY KIDDING, JO.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

THAT DINNER WAS GREAT.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE
GUESSED THERE'D BE

A MOROCCAN
RESTAURANT IN PEEKSKILL.

DID YOU REALLY LIKE IT?

YOU DIDN'T LOOK TOO HAPPY

WHEN THAT MALE BELLY
DANCER SAT ON MY LAP.

THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE I KNEW
HE WAS HEADING FOR MINE NEXT.

SO, WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT
WIND UP AT LANGLEY?

MAYBE. THEIR HISTORY
DEPARTMENT IS PRETTY GOOD.

NOW I HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER
OR NOT I WANT TO MAJOR IN HISTORY.

I THOUGHT IT WAS
YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT.

IT IS, BUT MY FOLKS WANT
ME TO MAJOR IN ECONOMICS,

YOU KNOW, TO GET READY
FOR BUSINESS SCHOOL.

YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE
BUSINESS SCHOOL TYPE.

I KNOW. I HATE THE IDEA.

BUT MY MOM ALWAYS
SAYS, "IF YOU HATE IT,

"IT'S PROBABLY THE
RIGHT THING TO DO.

NOW, GET OUT OF THE
KITCHEN! I'M COOKING!"

DO WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER?

THE ODDS ARE AGAINST IT.

I GUESS I COULD HANDLE
BEING PRE-BUSINESS.

IT'S TEDIOUS, BUT IT'S
ONLY FOUR YEARS, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T LOOK AT
COLLEGE THAT WAY.

IT SHOULD BE FUN AND EXCITING.

THOSE ARE THE FIRST FOUR
YEARS OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU LOVE HISTORY,
SHOULDN'T YOU GO FOR IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN
MAKE A LIVING IN HISTORY?

NOT MUCH OF A
FUTURE IN THE PAST.

DOES MONEY ALWAYS HAVE TO
BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING?

I THINK YOU HAVE TO BE
HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU DO.

NAT, YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.

YEAH, WELL... YEAH, WELL...

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO
MAKE A DECISION RIGHT AWAY.

ARE YOU GOOD AT
MAKING DECISIONS?

YEAH... NO... SOMETIMES.

I AM TERRIBLE AT IT.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO FLIP A COIN.

THEN, I DON'T TRUST
THE COIN, SO I DO IT AGAIN.

IT USUALLY TAKES A
"BEST OF SEVEN" SERIES.

AND NOW I KNOW
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE AS NEUROTIC AS I AM.

THANKS A LOT! [LAUGHING]

OH, MAN, I BETTER
GET OUT OF HERE.

I HAVE TO CATCH AN
EARLY TRAIN TOMORROW.

OH, RIGHT.

THANKS FOR SHOWING ME AROUND.

YOU WERE FUN TO SHOW.

SO LONG.

TOOTIE, WERE YOU
UP THERE LISTENING?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

I'M NOT. YOU'RE ALWAYS
WAITING UP THERE, LISTENING.

I MEAN THE CARPET ON THAT TOP
STEP'S ALMOST WORN THROUGH.

WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA
TELL ME HOW YOUR DATE WENT?

IT WASN'T A DATE!

IT WAS DINNER WITH A FRIEND.

IT WAS A FRIENDLY DINNER...

DID THE BELLY DANCER
REALLY SIT ON MICHAEL'S LAP?

TOOTIE, YOU WERE LISTENING!

OH! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

SEE, I GUESSED THAT
PART. FORGET IT, RAMSEY.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING
A THING OUT OF ME!

OH, COME ON,
NATALIE, PLEASE? SHH!

PEOPLE COULD BE SLEEPING. I
DON'T CARE IF PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING.

SHH! TOOTIE!

AND THANK YOU FOR DINING
AT EDNA'S WINTER WONDERLAND.

[LAUGHING]

THIRD RULE OF WAITRESSING...

NEVER SERVE MEALS
WHILE WEARING HEELS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY,
BUT I'M KIND OF SORRY

TO SEE THIS WAITRESS
BUSINESS COME TO AN END.

THAT'S VERY COURAGEOUS, JO.

FOURTH RULE OF WAITRESSING...

LAUGH ON THE OUTSIDE,
CRY ON THE INSIDE.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I HAVE MADE A LOT OF
MONEY OFF THIS JOB.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS. ALMOST
$14 IN TIPS THIS AFTERNOON ALONE.

IS THAT ALL YOU THINK
ABOUT, JO? MONEY?

[LAUGHING] HONESTLY!

UH, HOW MUCH IN TIPS
DID YOU GET, BLAIR?

I DID... FINE.

FINE?

COULD YOU ROUND THAT
OFF TO THE NEAREST DOLLAR?

ALL RIGHT.

I GOT ALMOST... $6.00.

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

CUSTOMERS ARE SO PICKY.

THEY ALWAYS WANT
EXACTLY WHAT THEY ORDER.

ONLY $6.00? [LAUGHING]

DON'T BE PETTY, JO.

IT'S VERY UNBECOMING.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

14!

HELLO. EDNA'S EDIBLES.

OH, HI, MICHAEL!

HOW WAS YOUR TRIP BACK?

GOOD.

SURE, SURE. JUST A SECOND.

NATALIE, MICHAEL
WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

ME? OK.

I'LL TAKE IT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

I'M COMING WITH YOU.

TOOTIE, IT'S MY PHONE CALL.

NATALIE, HE'S MY COUSIN.

THIS PHONE CALL IS
UNDER MY JURISDICTION.

I WISH YOU'D STOP MAKING
UP LAWS ALL THE TIME.

JO, HANG THAT UP, PLEASE.

HI, MICHAEL.

THIS IS THE NEXT BEST
THING TO BEING THERE, HUH?

[LAUGHING]

YEAH.

UH, THIS WEEKEND?

UH, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE WOULD I STAY?

RIGHT. MY PARENTS
DO LIVE IN NEW YORK.

UH, LOOK, MICHAEL,

THIS WEEKEND REALLY ISN'T
A GOOD WEEKEND FOR ME.

TOOTIE AND I HAVE
MADE A LOT OF PLANS,

AND, UH, MAYBE WE CAN
MAKE IT ANOTHER TIME.

HERE, LET ME GET
YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

OK.

BYE.

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

NOTHING MUCH.

UH...

MICHAEL'S SCHOOL IS SORT OF
HAVING A DANCE THIS WEEKEND,

AND HE WANTED ME
TO KIND OF COME DOWN

AND SORT OF VISIT.

OH?

I HAVE SO MANY THINGS
TO DO THIS WEEKEND.

OH.

I MEAN, HARVEY WANTS
TO GO OUT WITH ME.

THERE'S SOME NEW EXHIBIT
AT THE MUSEUM OF IRON ORE.

MM-HMM.

IT'S REALLY A HASSLE
TO GO INTO THE CITY.

I WAS JUST THERE TWO WEEKS AGO,

AND I REALLY DON'T THINK I
HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO.

TOOTIE, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU DO? YES, AND YOU'RE WRONG!

THE REASON I'M NOT
GOING OUT WITH MICHAEL IS...

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

WHO SAID IT DID? I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, TOOTIE,

AND I'M INSULTED!

SORRY. THAT'S IT!

I'M JUST GONNA
HAVE TO CALL MICHAEL

AND TELL HIM I'D LOVE TO
GO TO THE DANCE WITH HIM.

WHO KNOWS? I MAY EVEN
GO OUT AND BUY A NEW DRESS.

COULD YOU HELP ME WITH THIS?

ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME?

YES. WOULD YOU PLEASE
HELP ME WITH THIS?

YES. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER.

ONE MORE "THANK
YOU," AND I KILL.

I WISH THEY'D START
SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER.

THIS IS SICK.

GIRLS, SOMETHING
STRANGE JUST HAPPENED.

I SAID "HI" TO NATALIE,

AND SHE PRACTICALLY
BIT MY HEAD OFF.

IT'S LIKE THE TIME WE
PLAYED MINIATURE GOLF

AND HER BALL GOT
STUCK IN THE PAGODA.

SHE AND TOOTIE ARE
BRINGING BACK THE ICE AGE. MM.

IT'S COLD ENOUGH IN
HERE TO STORE MY FURS.

ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A REAL
PROBLEM HERE, MRS. G,

AND I HAVE DECIDED THERE
IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE IT.

NATALIE CAN'T GO OUT
WITH TOOTIE'S COUSIN,

AND YOU GOT TO TELL HER.

JO, I WON'T DO THAT.

GOOD FOR YOU, MRS. GARRETT.

OH, COME ON, YOU'VE GOT TO!

NATALIE LISTENS TO YOU.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE...
YOU'RE LIKE HER IDOL.

JO, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

YEAH. BESIDES, WHY SHOULDN'T
SHE GO OUT WITH MICHAEL?

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK, BLAIR.

THERE ARE GOOD REASONS.

WELL, THEN, IF THEY'RE THAT
GOOD, THEN YOU TELL HER.

ALL RIGHT, FINE! I
WILL! NO PROBLEM.

HEY, NATALIE, COULD YOU
COME IN HERE A SECOND?

THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT, JO.

I HAVE CROISSANTS
COOKING IN THE OVEN.

YEAH, WELL, PASTRY CAN
WAIT, NATALIE. THIS CAN'T.

COME OVER HERE. SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, I'M GONNA
BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

YOU AND MICHAEL...
ALL RIGHT. UH...

UM... LOOK. MICHAEL AND YOU...

WELL, YOU SEE,
THERE ARE GOOD IDEAS,

AND THEN THERE ARE BAD IDEAS.

THAT'S IT, JO. GIVE
IT TO HER STRAIGHT.

WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT
YOU HIT IT OFF WITH MICHAEL.

I THINK MICHAEL'S A GREAT GUY.

AND YOU SHOULDN'T GO
OUT WITH HIM ANYMORE.

HERE COME THE GOOD REASONS.

BLAIR, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH WHAT SHE'S DOING,

BUT THERE ARE A LOT OF
NARROW-MINDED JERKS OUT THERE WHO DO!

ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE CARES
WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!

BLAIR, NATALIE COULD BE
IN A LOT OF TROUBLE HERE.

WHERE I COME FROM,
BLACK AND WHITE COUPLES

HAVE A WAY OF WINDING
UP BLACK-AND-BLUE.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF
NARROW-MINDED JERKS IN HERE!

DON'T YOU CALL ME THAT.

YOUR MOTHER BELONGS TO
A RESTRICTED COUNTRY CLUB!

OUR CLUB IS NOT
RESTRICTED... ANYMORE.

BESIDES, JUST LAST MONTH,

MY MOTHER WENT TO A RECEPTION

AT THE UNITED NATIONS
WITH A BLACK MAN.

BLAIR, THAT MAN WAS A KING!

YES... BUT OF A
VERY SMALL NATION.

LISTEN, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
THE CROISSANTS TO BURN.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL ADMIT A FEW OF MY FRIENDS
MAY BE A LITTLE NARROW-MINDED,

BUT THEY'RE NOT AS
PREJUDICED AS THEY USED TO BE.

BLAIR, THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS BEING A LITTLE PREJUDICED.

WITH SOME PEOPLE, IT JUST
COMES OUT IN MORE SUBTLE WAYS.

THAT'S ALL I WAS TRYING TO SAY.

SORT OF.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] I'LL GET IT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'VE GOT IT.

HELLO.

OH, HI, MICHAEL.

ARE YOU CALLING FOR
NATALIE OR TOOTIE?

OH, YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME?

OH, WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

YOU WANT TO SEND
NATALIE FLOWERS.

YOU HEARD SHE
WAS IN THE HOSPITAL?

I'M IN THE HOSPITAL?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

TOOTIE CALLED YOU AND SAID

THAT NATALIE CAN'T
MAKE IT THIS WEEKEND

BECAUSE SHE HAS TONSILLITIS?

COULD YOU HOLD ON
A SECOND, PLEASE?

I... HI, MICHAEL.
IT'S ME, NATALIE.

YES, I CAN TALK.

THE WONDERS OF MODERN MEDICINE.

OH, BUT STILL SEND
THE FLOWERS...

TO TOOTIE! SHE'S
GONNA NEED THEM!

UH, LISTEN, CAN I CALL
YOU BACK IN A LITTLE WHILE?

OK. BYE.

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME YELLING!

NOW, NATALIE,

I'M SURE THAT TOOTIE HAS A VERY
GOOD REASON FOR WHAT SHE DID.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT
IT COULD BE, BUT...

IT WON'T BE GOOD ENOUGH!

NATALIE, PLEASE REMEMBER,
YOU TWO ARE BEST FRIENDS!

YOU LIKE EACH OTHER.

TOOTIE, START TALKING, OR I
THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW!

WHAT?

I JUST GOT OFF THE
PHONE WITH MICHAEL.

MICHAEL WHO?

JACKSON! WHO DO YOU THINK?

YOUR COUSIN, THE ONE WHO
THINKS I HAVE TONSILLITIS

AND CAN'T VISIT
HIM THIS WEEKEND.

OH, THAT MICHAEL.

WHY DID YOU TELL HIM THAT?

BECAUSE YOU REALLY
DON'T WANT TO GO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I DON'T WANT TO GO?

I BOUGHT A NEW DRESS!

WELL, IF YOU REMEMBER, WHEN MICHAEL
ASKED YOU DOWN FOR THE WEEKEND,

YOU TOLD HIM NO.

YOU ONLY CHANGED YOUR
MIND TO LOOK LIKE A LIBERAL.

LOOK LIKE A LIBERAL?
I AM A LIBERAL!

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
THAT MY FAMILY

WAS THE FIRST LIBERAL
FAMILY IN OUR BUILDING!

DAD USED TO MAKE OUR MAID
CALL HIM BY HIS FIRST NAME.

AND MOM INSISTED THAT SHE
COME THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

ON A RAINY DAY, MY MOTHER
WOULDN'T LET ME DO THAT!

ALL YOU'RE SAYING IS, YOU
WERE NICE TO YOUR MAID.

NO. LISTEN.

MY DAD HIRED A
BLACK RECEPTIONIST.

AND YOU KNOW MY FOLKS USED
TO HOST WINE AND CHEESE PARTIES

FOR BLACK MILITANT SCULPTORS.

THOSE ARE JUST GESTURES,

JUST LIKE YOUR GOING
OUT WITH MICHAEL.

YOU DID IT BECAUSE IT
MADE YOU LOOK GOOD,

NOT BECAUSE YOU
REALLY LIKED HIM.

THAT'S NOT FAIR!

I DO LIKE HIM.

I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH.

WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU
SAY NO IN THE FIRST PLACE?

BECAUSE I...

LOOK, WHEN I FIRST
WENT OUT WITH MICHAEL,

I THOUGHT, HE'S A
NICE GUY, IT'LL BE FUN.

BUT THEN I GOT TO KNOW HIM,

AND I REALLY, REALLY LIKED HIM.

SO, WHEN HE ASKED ME TO
COME VISIT HIM IN NEW YORK,

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, WOW, THIS
COULD REALLY LEAD TO SOMETHING.

AND MY SECOND THOUGHT WAS, WOW,
THIS COULD REALLY LEAD TO SOMETHING.

REALLY?

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS WEIRD...

BUT THE TRUTH IS, IF I
BROUGHT MICHAEL HOME,

MY MOTHER WOULDN'T EXACTLY
BREAK OUT THE MACAROONS.

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHY I DID WHAT I DID!

YOU CALLED OFF OUR DATE
TO MAKE MY MOTHER HAPPY?

I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

WHY IS IT THAT WHENEVER A WHITE
PERSON DATES A BLACK PERSON,

EVERYBODY WONDERS HOW
THE WHITE FAMILY FEELS?

NEVER THE BLACK FAMILY.

THEY FIGURE, OH, THEY'LL
BE THRILLED ABOUT IT.

TOOTIE!

WHEN MY AUNT
MARRIED A WHITE GUY,

MY FAMILY WASN'T
JUMPING FOR JOY,

AND WHEN THEY GOT DIVORCED,

EVERYBODY WAS GRATEFUL THAT
THERE WEREN'T ANY CHILDREN.

YOU TOO?

YEAH, I GUESS.

TOOTIE...

YOU NEVER WANTED ME TO GO OUT
WITH MICHAEL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

[SIGHING]

NAT, I NEVER EXPECTED TO FEEL...

THAT WAY, BUT I GUESS I DO.

I HAD PROBLEMS WITH IT TOO.

OH, BOY, THIS IS
REALLY DEPRESSING.

YOU GO THROUGH LIFE, AND
YOU THINK YOU KNOW YOURSELF,

AND YOU WAKE UP ONE MORNING

AND FIND OUT YOU'RE A BIGOT.

YOU'RE NOT, 'CAUSE
IF YOU'RE A BIGOT,

THAT WOULD MAKE ME ONE TOO.

BUT TOOTIE, WE'RE
BOTH PREJUDICED.

NOT NECESSARILY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU
NOTICE ONE PERSON'S WHITE

AND ANOTHER PERSON'S BLACK

DOESN'T MAKE YOU PREJUDICED.

I'M NOT SO SURE.

I MEAN, IF MICHAEL WERE WHITE,

I WOULDN'T HAVE WORRIED ABOUT
WHERE OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS GOING.

I WOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN
IT ONE STEP AT A TIME.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO ABOUT THIS WEEKEND.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE
IT ONE STEP AT A TIME.

AFTER ALL, IT'S ONLY A DATE.

YOU'VE BEEN OUT ON
HUNDREDS OF DATES.

44.

AND THAT'S COUNTING HARVEY.

I THINK I'M GONNA
GO THIS WEEKEND.

GOOD.

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
BEING PREJUDICED

WITH SOMEONE WHO'S BLACK.

BUT I COULDN'T HAVE THIS
CONVERSATION WITH ANYBODY BUT YOU.

YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THINK,
"MY BEST FRIEND IS WHITE."

I JUST KNOW MY BEST
FRIEND IS NATALIE.

♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪

♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU HEAR 'EM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT,
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ LEARNING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪