The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Chain Letter - full transcript
All four girls are fired from Edna's Edibles by Mrs. Garrett. They hope she'll give them a second chance.
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH,
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN',
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ THEN SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
BOARD OF HEALTH?
OH, WELL, THIS IS EDNA GARRETT
OF EDNA'S EDIBLES.
YESTERDAY, I RECEIVED
SOME FORMS FROM YOU
AND A NOTICE OF
INSPECTION FOR MY SHOP.
WELL, I'LL SEND IN THE FORMS
IF YOU TELL ME WHEN
THE INSPECTION WILL BE.
HOW ABOUT IF I GUESS, AND YOU
JUST SAY HOT OR COLD? HA HA!
I KNOW THAT YOU
DON'T PLAY GAMES.
I'M JUST KIDDING. HA HA.
OH, YOU DON'T KID, EITHER?
WELL, OF COURSE I'LL
SEND IN THE FORMS,
AND I'LL BE READY
WHENEVER YOU WANT TO COME.
HA. I... SOURPUSS.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, THE SHOP'S GOING TO BE
INSPECTED BY THE BOARD OF HEALTH,
AND I WAS TRYING
TO FIND OUT WHEN.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT?
WORRIED? WHO'S WORRIED? HA HA.
EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER.
IT'S JUST GOING TO GO FINE.
KNOCK ON WOOD.
HMM. SOMEONE SHOULD
CLEAN THIS COUNTER.
HEY, EVERYONE, LISTEN TO THIS.
FELLOW EASTLANDERS,
WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A
CANDIDATE FOR MISS SCHOOL SPIRIT?
THE 3 Zs: ZEST, ZIP, AND ZEAL.
WHAT'S IT DO FOR YA?
ZILCH.
WELL, HELP ME, THEN.
I WANT TO BE MISS SCHOOL SPIRIT.
WHY?
'CAUSE I'VE NEVER
BEEN MISS ANYTHING.
WELL, YOU HAVEN'T
MISSED ANYTHING. HA HA!
I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM, GUYS.
I'M HAVING MY NEW
PASSPORT PICTURE TAKEN,
AND I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
THEY ALL LOOK LIKE
MUG SHOTS ANYWAY.
IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.
I HAVE TO KEEP THIS
PASSPORT FOR 10 YEARS.
WHAT IF I PLAN A TRIP TO RUSSIA
AND THIS BLOUSE IS OUT OF STYLE?
THE COMMUNISTS READ
VOGUE TOO, YOU KNOW.
DO WE HAVE ADEQUATE VENTILATION?
WHY, ARE THE
CROISSANTS TURNING BLUE?
THE SHOP'S GOING TO BE
INSPECTED BY THE BOARD OF HEALTH.
OH, THERE ARE ALL
SO MANY REGULATIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THE REFRIGERATOR MUST BE
AT LEAST 10 FEET AWAY
FROM THE WATER HEATER.
WHY?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
THEY CLASH.
WELL, ALL THESE
THINGS HAVE TO BE DONE
BEFORE THE INSPECTION,
AND I'M COUNTING
ON YOU TO DO THEM.
WHY US?
BECAUSE YOU WORK HERE...
AND I'LL BE BUSY WITH
CLIENTS ALL AFTERNOON.
TOOTIE, YOU PROMISED THAT YOU
WOULD CLEAN OUT THE REFRIGERATOR.
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND I TOLD YOU THAT'S NOT A GOOD
PLACE FOR YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT.
MRS. GARRETT, FRUIT FLIES HAVE
TO BE COOL IN ORDER TO GESTATE.
WELL, WE ALL HAVE OUR PROBLEMS.
NO, NO, SEE, IT'S MY
GENETICS SCIENCE PROJECT.
SEE, THEY HAVE TO
BREED FOR A WHILE,
AND THEN I COUNT HOW
MANY HAVE LONG WINGS,
HOW MANY HAVE SHORT WINGS,
HOW MANY HAVE RED EYES,
HOW MANY HAVE BLACK EYES.
THEN I COUNT HOW
MANY HAVE RED EYES...
I GOT IT.
UM, NATALIE,
UH, LINE THE BARRELS
WITH PLASTIC BAGS
BEFORE YOU PUT IN THE PASTA.
BUT I ALREADY PUT IN THE PASTA.
WELL, THEN, TAKE IT OUT.
I DON'T WANT ANY
ROACHES IN MY RIGATONI.
BLAIR...
I KNOW. YOU NEED A SIGN
ABOVE THE FRONT DOOR.
RIGHT. THIS DOOR...
Both: TO REMAIN UNLOCKED
DURING BUSINESS HOURS.
MRS. GARRETT, IT'S
PRACTICALLY FINISHED.
I HAVE IT ALL UP HERE.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO
SEE IT UP THERE.
JO!
I WANT YOU TO CHECK THE
REFRIGERATOR THERMOSTAT.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE...
BELOW 45 DEGREES.
I KNOW, MRS. G.
NOW, PLEASE.
OK, OK, I'M OFF.
OH. HEY. HA HA.
GIRLS, I THINK I HAVE
THE INSIDE TRACK
ON THE KAPLAN BAR MITZVAH.
WISH ME LUCK.
MAZEL TOV!
OK, HOW IS THIS FOR
A CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?
ASK NOT WHAT NATALIE
GREEN CAN DO FOR YOU.
ASK WHAT YOU CAN
DO FOR NATALIE GREEN.
I'LL WORK ON IT.
OH, LOOK. THE MAIL IS HERE.
THE MAIL IS HERE! YAY!
TOOTIE, IT COMES EVERY DAY.
I KNOW. DON'T WE LIVE
IN A GREAT COUNTRY?
THAT GIRL HAS TOO
MUCH SUGAR IN HER DIET.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT
WE GOT ON THIS LIST HERE.
BLAIR, WOULD YOU COUNT
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS?
ONE.
THAT WAS EASY.
MAIL CALL!
BLAIR. THANK YOU.
JO. THANK YOU.
NATALIE. THANKS.
HEY, I'VE SEEN THIS
STATIONARY BEFORE.
YEAH, I GOT ONE OF THOSE, TOO.
ME, TOO. WE ALL DID,
EXCEPT FOR YOU, TOOTIE.
GEE, I HOPE IT'S NOT A PARTY.
IF IT'S A PARTY, I DON'T KNOW
ANYONE ON THE GUEST LIST.
"MILO NEVILLESON"?
"CHESTER A. VAN DAMM"?
OH, OF THE SOUTH
HAMPTON VAN DAMMS?
NO, THE SUNSHINE
TRAILER PARK VAN DAMMS.
"THIS IS THE LUCKY
CHAIN OF GOLD.
SEND $15 TO THE NAME
AT THE TOP OF THE LIST..."
THAT'S CHESTER.
AW, THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER.
WHAT JERK SENT THIS?
"TOOTIE RAMSEY."
TOOTIE, WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
I HATE TO DO CHAIN LETTERS.
I DON'T DO CHAIN LETTERS.
OK, BE THAT WAY.
BUT YOU GUYS THROW
AWAY THOSE CHAIN LETTERS,
AND YOU'LL HAVE
NOTHIN' BUT BAD LUCK.
"MRS. JOAN RUGGLES OF WOODSTOCK,
VERMONT, BROKE THE CHAIN,
AND THE VERY NEXT DAY, A
PINE TREE FELL ON HER POODLE."
WHO CARES?
THE ONLY THING I HATE
MORE THAN CHAIN LETTERS
IS POODLES.
JO, ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT
GOING TO HELP ME MOVE
THAT REFRIGERATOR?
WE'RE TRYING TO GET
THINGS UP TO REGULATION.
I'M ALMOST DONE WITH MY
HOMEWORK HERE, MRS. G.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN 5 MINUTES.
OK... BUT YOU SAID
THAT 10 MINUTES AGO.
YOU'RE LATE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THERE HELPING MRS. G.
WELL, WHAT'S HOLDING US UP?
NOTHIN'. NOTHIN'.
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
[GASP]
"CHESTER A. VAN DAMM"?
ALL RIGHT, SO I'M SENDING
OUT THE CHAIN LETTER,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.
A BLACK CAT CROSSED MY PATH.
JO, A BLACK CAT ISN'T BAD LUCK.
IT IS WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR BIKE.
I SWERVED SO I WOULDN'T HIT HIM,
SIDESWIPED A GARBAGE CAN,
AND RAN RIGHT INTO A TREE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT COSTS
TO GIVE A BIKE A NOSE JOB?
JO, JO, JO.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
BUT I DIDN'T FALL
FOR THAT LUCK STUFF.
I FELL FOR THE MONEY STUFF.
SEE, I'VE BEEN THINKING
A LOT ABOUT THIS SCAM,
AND IF YOU CAN GET IN ON THE
GROUND FLOOR OF THESE THINGS,
YOU COULD MAKE 500, 600
BUCKS ON A $15 INVESTMENT.
I FELL FOR THE LUCK STUFF.
I SENT OUT ALL THE LETTERS.
YOU DIDN'T.
I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE DAY.
MY DRY CLEANING GOT LOST.
MY WET-LOOK LIPSTICK DRIED UP.
I WENT TO THE PASSPORT PLACE
TO GET MY PICTURE TAKEN,
THE GUY SAYS, "SMILE,"
AND THE CAMERA BROKE.
I DECIDED SOMEONE'S
TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.
[SUPPRESSING LAUGH]
A PINE TREE FELL ON MY POODLE.
SHE MEANS SHE LOST THE ELECTION.
LOST IS TOO NICE A TERM.
I WAS CREAMED.
MY OPPONENT HAD A CLEAR MAJORITY
BEFORE HALF THE
VOTES WERE COUNTED.
THAT'S MATHEMATICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE.
TELL THAT TO MARY
BETH WILLIAMS...
WHO, WHEN INFORMED
OF HER LANDSLIDE VICTORY,
MAGNANIMOUSLY APPOINTED
ME POMPOM MONITOR.
NATALIE, THAT WAS NOTHING MORE
THAN A POPULARITY CONTEST.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO UPSET.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO LOSE A POPULARITY CONTEST?
NO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
BE POPULAR FOR, ANYWAY?
WHEN YOU'RE POPULAR, YOU
GOTTA DO THINGS LIKE SMILE...
AND TALK TO PEOPLE.
I LIKE TO DO THOSE THINGS.
I'M A PEOPLE PERSON.
GIRLS, I NEED YOUR HELP!
THE MOOSE LODGE SQUARE
DANCE IS TOMORROW,
AND I GOTTA GET COOKIN'.
WHAT IS IT WITH
YOU GIRLS LATELY?
NEVER MIND. I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN 5 MINUTES.
AGAIN 5 MINUTES?
SEEMS TO ME I'VE HEARD
THAT SONG BEFORE.
LOOK, I JUST GOTTA TAKE THESE
LETTERS TO THE POST OFFICE.
AH, THAT REMINDS ME.
I GOTTA MAIL THOSE FORMS
BACK TO THE BOARD OF HEALTH.
THEY'RE ON THE TABLE
HERE SOMEWHERE.
YEAH, I SAW THEM, MRS. G.
UH, I'LL MAIL 'EM
FOR YA RIGHT AWAY.
AW, THANKS.
OH, IT'LL BE SUCH A RELIEF
WHEN THIS INSPECTION IS OVER.
I'LL SAY.
IT'S EXHAUSTING WORRYING ABOUT
ALL THOSE THINGS
WE HAVEN'T DONE.
LIKE PAINTING MY SIGN?
AW, SKIP IT, BLAIR.
JUST PICK ONE UP AT
THE HARDWARE STORE.
NO, MRS. GARRETT.
I SAID I'LL DO IT.
AND WHEN I SAY
I'LL DO SOMETHING,
I'M SAYING I'LL DO SOMETHING.
HMM.
IN THE MEANTIME,
COULD YOU COME INTO MY SHOP
AND HELP ME TAKE
CARE OF BUSINESS?
THANK YOU.
TOOTIE...
OH, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE
YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT
OUT OF THE ICEBOX.
IT LOOKS LIKE THOSE FRUIT FLIES
HAVE DOUBLED SINCE THIS MORNING.
GREAT. I'LL GET AN "A."
BUT, TOOTIE, THEY'RE
BEGINNING TO SCARE ME.
THEY'VE ALL MOVED OVER TO
THE OTHER SIDE OF THEIR JAR,
AND THEY'RE STARING
AT THE APPLE PIE.
DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE
IF THEY WERE STARING
WITH RED EYES OR BLACK EYES?
HOW MUCH FOOD CAN A MOOSE EAT?
I MEAN, THAT LODGE
ORDERED ENOUGH STUFF
TO FEED THE RUSSIAN ARMY.
SOME SQUARE DANCE.
THEY'RE GONNA BUSY TOO
BUSY CRAMMIN' THEIR FACES
TO DO-SI-DO.
EXCUSE ME.
OH, I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU ASK ONE OF THE GIRLS
TO HELP YOU RIGHT
NOW? I'M A LITTLE BUSY.
ARE YOU MRS. EDNA GARRETT?
YES, BUT I'M BUSY.
I'M KLAUS STEVENS...
FROM THE BOARD OF HEALTH.
MR. STEVENS FROM
THE BOARD OF HEALTH!
YOU PROCESS
INFORMATION BRILLIANTLY.
WELL, WELL. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
NOTHING. IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR INSPECTION.
INSPECTION?
INSPECTION?
OH, THIS REALLY
ISN'T A GOOD TIME.
BELIEVE HER. IT ISN'T.
WELL, ACTUALLY I HADN'T PLANNED
TO INSPECT THIS STORE
FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS,
BUT WHEN I RECEIVED THIS,
I DECIDED TO PAY
A SURPRISE VISIT.
WAS SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THE FORMS
I SENT BACK TO YOU, MR. STEVENS?
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. YOUR
PAPERS WERE IN ORDER.
IT WAS WHAT WAS WITH THE
FORMS THAT TROUBLED ME.
$15.
THAT'S CHESTER'S MONEY.
MRS. GARRETT... DO
YOU REALLY BELIEVE
THAT YOU COULD BRIBE
THE BOARD OF HEALTH?
IT WASN'T A BRIBE.
OF COURSE IT
WASN'T. $50 IS A BRIBE.
15 IS LUNCH.
WITHOUT BEVERAGE.
NO MATTER WHAT THE
AMOUNT IS, IT WAS A MISTAKE.
WELL, SEE, TH-THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.
SEE, THE MONEY WAS SUPPOSED
TO GO IN A CHAIN LETTER.
CHAIN LETTER?
WHAT CHAIN LETTER?
NOW, DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
MRS. GARRETT, ARE YOU
READY FOR YOUR INSPECTION?
NOT REALLY.
GOOD. LET'S START.
MR. STEVENS, THIS
IS THE FIRST BUSINESS
I'VE EVER OWNED.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
INSPECTED BEFORE.
WHAT... WHAT... WHAT
IS THE PROCEDURE?
YOU STAY OUT OF MY WAY,
AND I MARK DOWN ALL THE
THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG.
FOR INSTANCE, LIKE THOSE.
THOSE?
DON'T YOU KNOW
THEY'RE IN THE FIRE LANE?
AND THE FOOD IS UNCOVERED.
WELL, WE WEREN'T
EXPECTING YOU TODAY.
WE HAVE A BIG CATERING JOB.
IT WAS JUST GOING OUT THE DOOR.
THAT DOOR?
THE DOOR THAT SHOULD
HAVE A SIGN ABOVE IT?
I WAS MAKING THAT SIGN.
I HAD IT ALL DONE EXCEPT...
"TO REMAIN UNLOCKED
DURING BUSINESS HOURS."
BLAIR, YOU PROMISED
TO GET THAT DONE!
MRS. GARRETT, THE PHOTO SESSION
AT THE PASSPORT PLACE RAN OVER.
FOR A LOT OF COUNTRIES,
THIS WILL BE THEIR FIRST
LOOK AT BLAIR WARNER.
MR. STEVENS...
SOUNDS LIKE THIS STORE SHOULD
BE CALLED EDNA'S EXCUSES.
YOU'RE RUNNING A
SPECIAL ON THEM TODAY.
WELL, I'M NOT BUYING IT.
AHH! I'M GOING TO
CHECK THE KITCHEN.
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
TOOTIE, GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE PASTA LINER.
HURRY UP!
WHERE ARE THEY?
UNDER THE COUNTER!
OK!
GOTCHA!
HE'S GOOD.
NICE MOVE, NATALIE.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING!
MRS. GARRETT MUST
HAVE TOLD YOU 6 TIMES
TO PUT UP THAT SIGN.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE TOO
BUSY TURNING YOUR PASSPORT
INTO THE COVER OF COSMO.
WELL, I DIDN'T SEND
THE INSPECTOR $15.
I GOT THE ENVELOPES
MIXED UP. HUMAN ERROR.
WELL, ERROR, ANYWAY.
EVERYBODY HOLD IT.
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES,
ALL OF YOUR LITTLE MISTAKES
WILL HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN.
WHY?
'CAUSE I LEFT THE FRUIT
FLIES IN THE 'FRIGERATOR.
TOOTIE!
I WAS WORKING ON
NATALIE'S CAMPAIGN.
OH, GOOD! DRAG ME DOWN WITH YOU.
WELL, THE REFRIGERATOR IS 4
INCHES TOO CLOSE TO THE WALL,
THE THERMOSTAT IS
SET 3 DEGREES TOO HIGH,
AND THERE IS A
MAYONNAISE JAR IN THERE
WITH 3,000 DEAD
FRUIT FLIES IN IT.
DEAD?!
THEY'RE DEAD?
WELL, DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE
HOW MANY HAD SHORT WINGS?
FRUIT FLIES IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I HARDLY KNOW WHERE TO
PUT IT DOWN ON THE SHEET.
HOW 'BOUT NEXT TO "YOU PASS"?
[HUMMING]
WELL, SO FAR YOU'VE
GOT ABOUT $500 FINES.
$500!
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
WELL, A MISSING SIGN HERE,
3,000 FRUIT FLIES THERE.
IT ALL ADDS UP.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I TOLD HER 10 TIMES
TO GET RID OF THOSE FRUIT FLIES
EDNA'S NAME IS ON THE DOOR.
EDNA'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE STORE.
BUT I CAN'T WATCH THEM
EVERY SINGLE MINUTE.
ARE YOU SAYING THEY'RE
JUST YOUNG GIRLS
AND DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER?
YES, YES! UH-HUH.
WELL, WHAT ARE THEY
DOING WORKING HERE?
WELL... I, UH... WELL,
THEY'RE MY-MY...
I HAVE A FEELING YOU'VE
RUN OUT OF EXCUSES.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO
BE RUNNING ALONG.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF TYPING TO DO.
HA HA! FRUIT FLIES
IN THE REFRIGERATOR!
BOY, THEY'LL LOVE THIS
ONE DOWN AT THE OFFICE.
IS IT ABOUT TO HIT THE
FAN, MRS. GARRETT?
NO, NATALIE.
I'M TOO ANGRY TO SCREAM.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. GARRETT.
REMEMBER THE CHAIN LETTERS?
WE SENT 40 OF THEM OUT.
THEY'RE BOUND TO BRING US LUCK.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I ASK YOU TO DO A
FEW SIMPLE THINGS,
AND YOU DON'T DO THEM.
INSTEAD, YOU'RE OUT
SENDING CHAIN LETTERS,
WHICH, IN CASE YOU
DIDN'T KNOW, ARE ILLEGAL.
WELL, EVERY INVESTMENT
HAS AN ELEMENT OF RISK.
YOU... YOU GIRLS...
YOU DON'T REALIZE
WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
HE COULD'VE CLOSED ME DOWN!
I MEAN, IF I'M LUCKY,
HE'LL FINE ME $500.
OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE 500 BUCKS, MRS. G.
I MEAN, WE CAN SIT BACK AND WAIT
FOR ALL THAT CHAIN LETTER
MONEY TO START ROLLING IN.
YOU REALLY BELIEVE
THAT, DON'T YOU?
MR. STEVENS IS RIGHT.
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
THIS ISN'T EASTLAND.
THIS IS MY BUSINESS.
IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG HERE,
I LOSE EVERYTHING.
OH, NO, MRS. GARRETT.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN
AGAIN. WE PROMISE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
BECAUSE I WON'T LET IT.
GIRLS... I'M GOING TO
HAVE TO HIRE SOME...
RESPONSIBLE ADULTS
TO HELP ME RUN MY SHOP.
DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE FIRED?
IT MEANS THIS IS MY BUSINESS,
AND I'M MAKING A
BUSINESS DECISION.
I'LL PUT A HELP WANTED
AD IN THE PAPER TODAY.
I'M SORRY.
I RECEIVED SO MUCH OF A
RESPONSE FROM THAT AD...
WELL, I'M JUST NOT SEEING
ANY MORE APPLICANTS.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING. BYE-BYE.
HI, GIRLS.
HI. HELLO.
DON'T YOU LOOK NICE.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN
OUT ON A JOB INTERVIEW.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE COMING
IN FOR AN INTERVIEW.
MRS. GARRETT, WE SAW
YOUR AD IN THE PAPER.
WE'D LIKE TO APPLY FOR THE JOB.
THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK.
WELL, I APPRECIATE
YOUR EFFORT, GIRLS,
BUT, AS I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY,
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
ELSE TO DO YOUR JOBS.
WE COULD BE THAT SOMEONE ELSE.
I DON'T THINK SO, NATALIE.
AT LEAST GIVE US AN INTERVIEW.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE
US AN INTERVIEW...
AREN'T YOU AN EQUAL
OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER?
WELL, I SUPPOSE I AM.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
NICE SIGN, BLAIR.
SHOW HER THE OTHER ONE.
CATCHY, HUH?
WELL, I SUPPOSE
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
ALL, MRS. GARRETT.
I LINED THE BARRELS LAST NIGHT.
FIVE LAYERS.
IF A ROACH WANTS TO GET IN
THERE HE'LL NEED A BLOWTORCH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE
YOU AN INTERVIEW.
BUT I'LL ASK YOU THE SAME
QUESTIONS I'D ASK ANYONE ELSE.
BEFORE WE GO THROUGH WITH THIS
HERE I JUST WANT TO GO ON RECORD
SAYING, "I DON'T THINK
THIS IS GONNA WORK."
ALL RIGHT, SHOULD
WE GET STARTED?
OKAY... THIS IS OUR RESUME.
ALL FOUR OF YOU ON ONE RESUME?
WE'RE A PACKAGE DEAL.
WELL, TELL ME FIRST SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR EDUCATION.
WELL, WE ALL BENEFITTED
FROM OUR EDUCATION
AT THE EASTLAND
SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.
WHERE WE WORK CLOSELY
WITH A WONDERFUL WOMAN
WHOM WE DEEPLY APPRECIATE.
TOOTIE... I'M GAGGING.
TELL ME SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR LAST JOB.
WE WORKED AT EDNA'S EDIBLES.
THE FINEST STORE
IN ALL THE LAND.
BLAIR, YOU'RE TALKING
LIKE A LEPRECHAUN.
UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES
DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST JOB?
WELL... WE WERE FIRED.
WHY?
WE SCREWED UP.
WE WEREN'T PAYING
ATTENTION TO OUR WORK.
WE DESERVED TO BE FIRED.
BUT WE'VE LEARNED OUR LESSON
AND WE WON'T EVER
GOOF UP LIKE THAT AGAIN.
HOW CAN I BE SURE?
MAYBE YOU COULD
TALK TO OUR REFERENCE.
MRS. EDNA GARRETT.
YEAH.
SHE KNOWS WE DID A LOUSY JOB,
BUT SHE'S ALWAYS
FORGIVEN US IN THE PAST.
AND ANYWAY, WE'RE
REALLY, REALLY CHANGING,
SO PLEASE WON'T YOU
GIVE US OUR JOBS BACK.
HUH, PLEASE?
COOL, TOOTIE, REAL COOL.
JO.
DO YOU HAVE ANY THING TO SAY?
YOU'RE FORCIN' ME TO BE
ADORABLE HERE, MRS. G.
LOOK, WE ACTED LIKE JERKS.
YOU TRUSTED US
AND WE LET YOU DOWN.
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THAT.
THANK YOU, LADIES.
THIS HAS BEEN A VERY
INTERESTING INTERVIEW.
YOU CERTAINLY SHOULD
MORE MATURE AND RESPONSIBLE
THAN THE GIRLS WHO
USED TO WORK HERE.
I'LL CONSIDER YOUR APPLICATION
AND GET BACK TO YOU.
THANK YOU, MRS. GARRETT.
THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH.
[PHONE RINGS]
[MRS. GARRETT] EDNA'S EDIBLES?
OH, YOU SAW THAT AD.
WELL, THANK YOU.
BUT I'M AFRAID THE POSITION
HAS ALREADY BEEN FILLED.
THANKS, MRS. GARRETT.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AN ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
IS ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH,
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN',
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ THEN SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
BOARD OF HEALTH?
OH, WELL, THIS IS EDNA GARRETT
OF EDNA'S EDIBLES.
YESTERDAY, I RECEIVED
SOME FORMS FROM YOU
AND A NOTICE OF
INSPECTION FOR MY SHOP.
WELL, I'LL SEND IN THE FORMS
IF YOU TELL ME WHEN
THE INSPECTION WILL BE.
HOW ABOUT IF I GUESS, AND YOU
JUST SAY HOT OR COLD? HA HA!
I KNOW THAT YOU
DON'T PLAY GAMES.
I'M JUST KIDDING. HA HA.
OH, YOU DON'T KID, EITHER?
WELL, OF COURSE I'LL
SEND IN THE FORMS,
AND I'LL BE READY
WHENEVER YOU WANT TO COME.
HA. I... SOURPUSS.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, THE SHOP'S GOING TO BE
INSPECTED BY THE BOARD OF HEALTH,
AND I WAS TRYING
TO FIND OUT WHEN.
ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT?
WORRIED? WHO'S WORRIED? HA HA.
EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER.
IT'S JUST GOING TO GO FINE.
KNOCK ON WOOD.
HMM. SOMEONE SHOULD
CLEAN THIS COUNTER.
HEY, EVERYONE, LISTEN TO THIS.
FELLOW EASTLANDERS,
WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A
CANDIDATE FOR MISS SCHOOL SPIRIT?
THE 3 Zs: ZEST, ZIP, AND ZEAL.
WHAT'S IT DO FOR YA?
ZILCH.
WELL, HELP ME, THEN.
I WANT TO BE MISS SCHOOL SPIRIT.
WHY?
'CAUSE I'VE NEVER
BEEN MISS ANYTHING.
WELL, YOU HAVEN'T
MISSED ANYTHING. HA HA!
I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM, GUYS.
I'M HAVING MY NEW
PASSPORT PICTURE TAKEN,
AND I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
THEY ALL LOOK LIKE
MUG SHOTS ANYWAY.
IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.
I HAVE TO KEEP THIS
PASSPORT FOR 10 YEARS.
WHAT IF I PLAN A TRIP TO RUSSIA
AND THIS BLOUSE IS OUT OF STYLE?
THE COMMUNISTS READ
VOGUE TOO, YOU KNOW.
DO WE HAVE ADEQUATE VENTILATION?
WHY, ARE THE
CROISSANTS TURNING BLUE?
THE SHOP'S GOING TO BE
INSPECTED BY THE BOARD OF HEALTH.
OH, THERE ARE ALL
SO MANY REGULATIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THE REFRIGERATOR MUST BE
AT LEAST 10 FEET AWAY
FROM THE WATER HEATER.
WHY?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
THEY CLASH.
WELL, ALL THESE
THINGS HAVE TO BE DONE
BEFORE THE INSPECTION,
AND I'M COUNTING
ON YOU TO DO THEM.
WHY US?
BECAUSE YOU WORK HERE...
AND I'LL BE BUSY WITH
CLIENTS ALL AFTERNOON.
TOOTIE, YOU PROMISED THAT YOU
WOULD CLEAN OUT THE REFRIGERATOR.
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND I TOLD YOU THAT'S NOT A GOOD
PLACE FOR YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT.
MRS. GARRETT, FRUIT FLIES HAVE
TO BE COOL IN ORDER TO GESTATE.
WELL, WE ALL HAVE OUR PROBLEMS.
NO, NO, SEE, IT'S MY
GENETICS SCIENCE PROJECT.
SEE, THEY HAVE TO
BREED FOR A WHILE,
AND THEN I COUNT HOW
MANY HAVE LONG WINGS,
HOW MANY HAVE SHORT WINGS,
HOW MANY HAVE RED EYES,
HOW MANY HAVE BLACK EYES.
THEN I COUNT HOW
MANY HAVE RED EYES...
I GOT IT.
UM, NATALIE,
UH, LINE THE BARRELS
WITH PLASTIC BAGS
BEFORE YOU PUT IN THE PASTA.
BUT I ALREADY PUT IN THE PASTA.
WELL, THEN, TAKE IT OUT.
I DON'T WANT ANY
ROACHES IN MY RIGATONI.
BLAIR...
I KNOW. YOU NEED A SIGN
ABOVE THE FRONT DOOR.
RIGHT. THIS DOOR...
Both: TO REMAIN UNLOCKED
DURING BUSINESS HOURS.
MRS. GARRETT, IT'S
PRACTICALLY FINISHED.
I HAVE IT ALL UP HERE.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO
SEE IT UP THERE.
JO!
I WANT YOU TO CHECK THE
REFRIGERATOR THERMOSTAT.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE...
BELOW 45 DEGREES.
I KNOW, MRS. G.
NOW, PLEASE.
OK, OK, I'M OFF.
OH. HEY. HA HA.
GIRLS, I THINK I HAVE
THE INSIDE TRACK
ON THE KAPLAN BAR MITZVAH.
WISH ME LUCK.
MAZEL TOV!
OK, HOW IS THIS FOR
A CAMPAIGN SLOGAN?
ASK NOT WHAT NATALIE
GREEN CAN DO FOR YOU.
ASK WHAT YOU CAN
DO FOR NATALIE GREEN.
I'LL WORK ON IT.
OH, LOOK. THE MAIL IS HERE.
THE MAIL IS HERE! YAY!
TOOTIE, IT COMES EVERY DAY.
I KNOW. DON'T WE LIVE
IN A GREAT COUNTRY?
THAT GIRL HAS TOO
MUCH SUGAR IN HER DIET.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT
WE GOT ON THIS LIST HERE.
BLAIR, WOULD YOU COUNT
THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS?
ONE.
THAT WAS EASY.
MAIL CALL!
BLAIR. THANK YOU.
JO. THANK YOU.
NATALIE. THANKS.
HEY, I'VE SEEN THIS
STATIONARY BEFORE.
YEAH, I GOT ONE OF THOSE, TOO.
ME, TOO. WE ALL DID,
EXCEPT FOR YOU, TOOTIE.
GEE, I HOPE IT'S NOT A PARTY.
IF IT'S A PARTY, I DON'T KNOW
ANYONE ON THE GUEST LIST.
"MILO NEVILLESON"?
"CHESTER A. VAN DAMM"?
OH, OF THE SOUTH
HAMPTON VAN DAMMS?
NO, THE SUNSHINE
TRAILER PARK VAN DAMMS.
"THIS IS THE LUCKY
CHAIN OF GOLD.
SEND $15 TO THE NAME
AT THE TOP OF THE LIST..."
THAT'S CHESTER.
AW, THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER.
WHAT JERK SENT THIS?
"TOOTIE RAMSEY."
TOOTIE, WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
I HATE TO DO CHAIN LETTERS.
I DON'T DO CHAIN LETTERS.
OK, BE THAT WAY.
BUT YOU GUYS THROW
AWAY THOSE CHAIN LETTERS,
AND YOU'LL HAVE
NOTHIN' BUT BAD LUCK.
"MRS. JOAN RUGGLES OF WOODSTOCK,
VERMONT, BROKE THE CHAIN,
AND THE VERY NEXT DAY, A
PINE TREE FELL ON HER POODLE."
WHO CARES?
THE ONLY THING I HATE
MORE THAN CHAIN LETTERS
IS POODLES.
JO, ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT
GOING TO HELP ME MOVE
THAT REFRIGERATOR?
WE'RE TRYING TO GET
THINGS UP TO REGULATION.
I'M ALMOST DONE WITH MY
HOMEWORK HERE, MRS. G.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN 5 MINUTES.
OK... BUT YOU SAID
THAT 10 MINUTES AGO.
YOU'RE LATE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THERE HELPING MRS. G.
WELL, WHAT'S HOLDING US UP?
NOTHIN'. NOTHIN'.
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
[GASP]
"CHESTER A. VAN DAMM"?
ALL RIGHT, SO I'M SENDING
OUT THE CHAIN LETTER,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.
A BLACK CAT CROSSED MY PATH.
JO, A BLACK CAT ISN'T BAD LUCK.
IT IS WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR BIKE.
I SWERVED SO I WOULDN'T HIT HIM,
SIDESWIPED A GARBAGE CAN,
AND RAN RIGHT INTO A TREE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT COSTS
TO GIVE A BIKE A NOSE JOB?
JO, JO, JO.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
BUT I DIDN'T FALL
FOR THAT LUCK STUFF.
I FELL FOR THE MONEY STUFF.
SEE, I'VE BEEN THINKING
A LOT ABOUT THIS SCAM,
AND IF YOU CAN GET IN ON THE
GROUND FLOOR OF THESE THINGS,
YOU COULD MAKE 500, 600
BUCKS ON A $15 INVESTMENT.
I FELL FOR THE LUCK STUFF.
I SENT OUT ALL THE LETTERS.
YOU DIDN'T.
I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE DAY.
MY DRY CLEANING GOT LOST.
MY WET-LOOK LIPSTICK DRIED UP.
I WENT TO THE PASSPORT PLACE
TO GET MY PICTURE TAKEN,
THE GUY SAYS, "SMILE,"
AND THE CAMERA BROKE.
I DECIDED SOMEONE'S
TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING.
[SUPPRESSING LAUGH]
A PINE TREE FELL ON MY POODLE.
SHE MEANS SHE LOST THE ELECTION.
LOST IS TOO NICE A TERM.
I WAS CREAMED.
MY OPPONENT HAD A CLEAR MAJORITY
BEFORE HALF THE
VOTES WERE COUNTED.
THAT'S MATHEMATICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE.
TELL THAT TO MARY
BETH WILLIAMS...
WHO, WHEN INFORMED
OF HER LANDSLIDE VICTORY,
MAGNANIMOUSLY APPOINTED
ME POMPOM MONITOR.
NATALIE, THAT WAS NOTHING MORE
THAN A POPULARITY CONTEST.
THAT'S WHY I'M SO UPSET.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO LOSE A POPULARITY CONTEST?
NO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
BE POPULAR FOR, ANYWAY?
WHEN YOU'RE POPULAR, YOU
GOTTA DO THINGS LIKE SMILE...
AND TALK TO PEOPLE.
I LIKE TO DO THOSE THINGS.
I'M A PEOPLE PERSON.
GIRLS, I NEED YOUR HELP!
THE MOOSE LODGE SQUARE
DANCE IS TOMORROW,
AND I GOTTA GET COOKIN'.
WHAT IS IT WITH
YOU GIRLS LATELY?
NEVER MIND. I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR EXPLANATIONS.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN 5 MINUTES.
AGAIN 5 MINUTES?
SEEMS TO ME I'VE HEARD
THAT SONG BEFORE.
LOOK, I JUST GOTTA TAKE THESE
LETTERS TO THE POST OFFICE.
AH, THAT REMINDS ME.
I GOTTA MAIL THOSE FORMS
BACK TO THE BOARD OF HEALTH.
THEY'RE ON THE TABLE
HERE SOMEWHERE.
YEAH, I SAW THEM, MRS. G.
UH, I'LL MAIL 'EM
FOR YA RIGHT AWAY.
AW, THANKS.
OH, IT'LL BE SUCH A RELIEF
WHEN THIS INSPECTION IS OVER.
I'LL SAY.
IT'S EXHAUSTING WORRYING ABOUT
ALL THOSE THINGS
WE HAVEN'T DONE.
LIKE PAINTING MY SIGN?
AW, SKIP IT, BLAIR.
JUST PICK ONE UP AT
THE HARDWARE STORE.
NO, MRS. GARRETT.
I SAID I'LL DO IT.
AND WHEN I SAY
I'LL DO SOMETHING,
I'M SAYING I'LL DO SOMETHING.
HMM.
IN THE MEANTIME,
COULD YOU COME INTO MY SHOP
AND HELP ME TAKE
CARE OF BUSINESS?
THANK YOU.
TOOTIE...
OH, YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE
YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT
OUT OF THE ICEBOX.
IT LOOKS LIKE THOSE FRUIT FLIES
HAVE DOUBLED SINCE THIS MORNING.
GREAT. I'LL GET AN "A."
BUT, TOOTIE, THEY'RE
BEGINNING TO SCARE ME.
THEY'VE ALL MOVED OVER TO
THE OTHER SIDE OF THEIR JAR,
AND THEY'RE STARING
AT THE APPLE PIE.
DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE
IF THEY WERE STARING
WITH RED EYES OR BLACK EYES?
HOW MUCH FOOD CAN A MOOSE EAT?
I MEAN, THAT LODGE
ORDERED ENOUGH STUFF
TO FEED THE RUSSIAN ARMY.
SOME SQUARE DANCE.
THEY'RE GONNA BUSY TOO
BUSY CRAMMIN' THEIR FACES
TO DO-SI-DO.
EXCUSE ME.
OH, I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU ASK ONE OF THE GIRLS
TO HELP YOU RIGHT
NOW? I'M A LITTLE BUSY.
ARE YOU MRS. EDNA GARRETT?
YES, BUT I'M BUSY.
I'M KLAUS STEVENS...
FROM THE BOARD OF HEALTH.
MR. STEVENS FROM
THE BOARD OF HEALTH!
YOU PROCESS
INFORMATION BRILLIANTLY.
WELL, WELL. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?
NOTHING. IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR INSPECTION.
INSPECTION?
INSPECTION?
OH, THIS REALLY
ISN'T A GOOD TIME.
BELIEVE HER. IT ISN'T.
WELL, ACTUALLY I HADN'T PLANNED
TO INSPECT THIS STORE
FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS,
BUT WHEN I RECEIVED THIS,
I DECIDED TO PAY
A SURPRISE VISIT.
WAS SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THE FORMS
I SENT BACK TO YOU, MR. STEVENS?
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. YOUR
PAPERS WERE IN ORDER.
IT WAS WHAT WAS WITH THE
FORMS THAT TROUBLED ME.
$15.
THAT'S CHESTER'S MONEY.
MRS. GARRETT... DO
YOU REALLY BELIEVE
THAT YOU COULD BRIBE
THE BOARD OF HEALTH?
IT WASN'T A BRIBE.
OF COURSE IT
WASN'T. $50 IS A BRIBE.
15 IS LUNCH.
WITHOUT BEVERAGE.
NO MATTER WHAT THE
AMOUNT IS, IT WAS A MISTAKE.
WELL, SEE, TH-THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.
SEE, THE MONEY WAS SUPPOSED
TO GO IN A CHAIN LETTER.
CHAIN LETTER?
WHAT CHAIN LETTER?
NOW, DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
MRS. GARRETT, ARE YOU
READY FOR YOUR INSPECTION?
NOT REALLY.
GOOD. LET'S START.
MR. STEVENS, THIS
IS THE FIRST BUSINESS
I'VE EVER OWNED.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
INSPECTED BEFORE.
WHAT... WHAT... WHAT
IS THE PROCEDURE?
YOU STAY OUT OF MY WAY,
AND I MARK DOWN ALL THE
THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG.
FOR INSTANCE, LIKE THOSE.
THOSE?
DON'T YOU KNOW
THEY'RE IN THE FIRE LANE?
AND THE FOOD IS UNCOVERED.
WELL, WE WEREN'T
EXPECTING YOU TODAY.
WE HAVE A BIG CATERING JOB.
IT WAS JUST GOING OUT THE DOOR.
THAT DOOR?
THE DOOR THAT SHOULD
HAVE A SIGN ABOVE IT?
I WAS MAKING THAT SIGN.
I HAD IT ALL DONE EXCEPT...
"TO REMAIN UNLOCKED
DURING BUSINESS HOURS."
BLAIR, YOU PROMISED
TO GET THAT DONE!
MRS. GARRETT, THE PHOTO SESSION
AT THE PASSPORT PLACE RAN OVER.
FOR A LOT OF COUNTRIES,
THIS WILL BE THEIR FIRST
LOOK AT BLAIR WARNER.
MR. STEVENS...
SOUNDS LIKE THIS STORE SHOULD
BE CALLED EDNA'S EXCUSES.
YOU'RE RUNNING A
SPECIAL ON THEM TODAY.
WELL, I'M NOT BUYING IT.
AHH! I'M GOING TO
CHECK THE KITCHEN.
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
TOOTIE, GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE PASTA LINER.
HURRY UP!
WHERE ARE THEY?
UNDER THE COUNTER!
OK!
GOTCHA!
HE'S GOOD.
NICE MOVE, NATALIE.
LOOK WHO'S TALKING!
MRS. GARRETT MUST
HAVE TOLD YOU 6 TIMES
TO PUT UP THAT SIGN.
YEAH, BUT YOU WERE TOO
BUSY TURNING YOUR PASSPORT
INTO THE COVER OF COSMO.
WELL, I DIDN'T SEND
THE INSPECTOR $15.
I GOT THE ENVELOPES
MIXED UP. HUMAN ERROR.
WELL, ERROR, ANYWAY.
EVERYBODY HOLD IT.
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES,
ALL OF YOUR LITTLE MISTAKES
WILL HAVE BEEN FORGOTTEN.
WHY?
'CAUSE I LEFT THE FRUIT
FLIES IN THE 'FRIGERATOR.
TOOTIE!
I WAS WORKING ON
NATALIE'S CAMPAIGN.
OH, GOOD! DRAG ME DOWN WITH YOU.
WELL, THE REFRIGERATOR IS 4
INCHES TOO CLOSE TO THE WALL,
THE THERMOSTAT IS
SET 3 DEGREES TOO HIGH,
AND THERE IS A
MAYONNAISE JAR IN THERE
WITH 3,000 DEAD
FRUIT FLIES IN IT.
DEAD?!
THEY'RE DEAD?
WELL, DID YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE
HOW MANY HAD SHORT WINGS?
FRUIT FLIES IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I HARDLY KNOW WHERE TO
PUT IT DOWN ON THE SHEET.
HOW 'BOUT NEXT TO "YOU PASS"?
[HUMMING]
WELL, SO FAR YOU'VE
GOT ABOUT $500 FINES.
$500!
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
WELL, A MISSING SIGN HERE,
3,000 FRUIT FLIES THERE.
IT ALL ADDS UP.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I TOLD HER 10 TIMES
TO GET RID OF THOSE FRUIT FLIES
EDNA'S NAME IS ON THE DOOR.
EDNA'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE STORE.
BUT I CAN'T WATCH THEM
EVERY SINGLE MINUTE.
ARE YOU SAYING THEY'RE
JUST YOUNG GIRLS
AND DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER?
YES, YES! UH-HUH.
WELL, WHAT ARE THEY
DOING WORKING HERE?
WELL... I, UH... WELL,
THEY'RE MY-MY...
I HAVE A FEELING YOU'VE
RUN OUT OF EXCUSES.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO
BE RUNNING ALONG.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF TYPING TO DO.
HA HA! FRUIT FLIES
IN THE REFRIGERATOR!
BOY, THEY'LL LOVE THIS
ONE DOWN AT THE OFFICE.
IS IT ABOUT TO HIT THE
FAN, MRS. GARRETT?
NO, NATALIE.
I'M TOO ANGRY TO SCREAM.
DON'T WORRY, MRS. GARRETT.
REMEMBER THE CHAIN LETTERS?
WE SENT 40 OF THEM OUT.
THEY'RE BOUND TO BRING US LUCK.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I ASK YOU TO DO A
FEW SIMPLE THINGS,
AND YOU DON'T DO THEM.
INSTEAD, YOU'RE OUT
SENDING CHAIN LETTERS,
WHICH, IN CASE YOU
DIDN'T KNOW, ARE ILLEGAL.
WELL, EVERY INVESTMENT
HAS AN ELEMENT OF RISK.
YOU... YOU GIRLS...
YOU DON'T REALIZE
WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
HE COULD'VE CLOSED ME DOWN!
I MEAN, IF I'M LUCKY,
HE'LL FINE ME $500.
OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE 500 BUCKS, MRS. G.
I MEAN, WE CAN SIT BACK AND WAIT
FOR ALL THAT CHAIN LETTER
MONEY TO START ROLLING IN.
YOU REALLY BELIEVE
THAT, DON'T YOU?
MR. STEVENS IS RIGHT.
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.
THIS ISN'T EASTLAND.
THIS IS MY BUSINESS.
IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG HERE,
I LOSE EVERYTHING.
OH, NO, MRS. GARRETT.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN
AGAIN. WE PROMISE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT
WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
BECAUSE I WON'T LET IT.
GIRLS... I'M GOING TO
HAVE TO HIRE SOME...
RESPONSIBLE ADULTS
TO HELP ME RUN MY SHOP.
DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE FIRED?
IT MEANS THIS IS MY BUSINESS,
AND I'M MAKING A
BUSINESS DECISION.
I'LL PUT A HELP WANTED
AD IN THE PAPER TODAY.
I'M SORRY.
I RECEIVED SO MUCH OF A
RESPONSE FROM THAT AD...
WELL, I'M JUST NOT SEEING
ANY MORE APPLICANTS.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING. BYE-BYE.
HI, GIRLS.
HI. HELLO.
DON'T YOU LOOK NICE.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN
OUT ON A JOB INTERVIEW.
ACTUALLY, WE'RE COMING
IN FOR AN INTERVIEW.
MRS. GARRETT, WE SAW
YOUR AD IN THE PAPER.
WE'D LIKE TO APPLY FOR THE JOB.
THIS IS NEVER GONNA WORK.
WELL, I APPRECIATE
YOUR EFFORT, GIRLS,
BUT, AS I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY,
I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
ELSE TO DO YOUR JOBS.
WE COULD BE THAT SOMEONE ELSE.
I DON'T THINK SO, NATALIE.
AT LEAST GIVE US AN INTERVIEW.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE
US AN INTERVIEW...
AREN'T YOU AN EQUAL
OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER?
WELL, I SUPPOSE I AM.
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
NICE SIGN, BLAIR.
SHOW HER THE OTHER ONE.
CATCHY, HUH?
WELL, I SUPPOSE
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
WELL, THAT'S NOT
ALL, MRS. GARRETT.
I LINED THE BARRELS LAST NIGHT.
FIVE LAYERS.
IF A ROACH WANTS TO GET IN
THERE HE'LL NEED A BLOWTORCH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE
YOU AN INTERVIEW.
BUT I'LL ASK YOU THE SAME
QUESTIONS I'D ASK ANYONE ELSE.
BEFORE WE GO THROUGH WITH THIS
HERE I JUST WANT TO GO ON RECORD
SAYING, "I DON'T THINK
THIS IS GONNA WORK."
ALL RIGHT, SHOULD
WE GET STARTED?
OKAY... THIS IS OUR RESUME.
ALL FOUR OF YOU ON ONE RESUME?
WE'RE A PACKAGE DEAL.
WELL, TELL ME FIRST SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR EDUCATION.
WELL, WE ALL BENEFITTED
FROM OUR EDUCATION
AT THE EASTLAND
SCHOOL FOR GIRLS.
WHERE WE WORK CLOSELY
WITH A WONDERFUL WOMAN
WHOM WE DEEPLY APPRECIATE.
TOOTIE... I'M GAGGING.
TELL ME SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR LAST JOB.
WE WORKED AT EDNA'S EDIBLES.
THE FINEST STORE
IN ALL THE LAND.
BLAIR, YOU'RE TALKING
LIKE A LEPRECHAUN.
UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES
DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST JOB?
WELL... WE WERE FIRED.
WHY?
WE SCREWED UP.
WE WEREN'T PAYING
ATTENTION TO OUR WORK.
WE DESERVED TO BE FIRED.
BUT WE'VE LEARNED OUR LESSON
AND WE WON'T EVER
GOOF UP LIKE THAT AGAIN.
HOW CAN I BE SURE?
MAYBE YOU COULD
TALK TO OUR REFERENCE.
MRS. EDNA GARRETT.
YEAH.
SHE KNOWS WE DID A LOUSY JOB,
BUT SHE'S ALWAYS
FORGIVEN US IN THE PAST.
AND ANYWAY, WE'RE
REALLY, REALLY CHANGING,
SO PLEASE WON'T YOU
GIVE US OUR JOBS BACK.
HUH, PLEASE?
COOL, TOOTIE, REAL COOL.
JO.
DO YOU HAVE ANY THING TO SAY?
YOU'RE FORCIN' ME TO BE
ADORABLE HERE, MRS. G.
LOOK, WE ACTED LIKE JERKS.
YOU TRUSTED US
AND WE LET YOU DOWN.
THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THAT.
THANK YOU, LADIES.
THIS HAS BEEN A VERY
INTERESTING INTERVIEW.
YOU CERTAINLY SHOULD
MORE MATURE AND RESPONSIBLE
THAN THE GIRLS WHO
USED TO WORK HERE.
I'LL CONSIDER YOUR APPLICATION
AND GET BACK TO YOU.
THANK YOU, MRS. GARRETT.
THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH.
[PHONE RINGS]
[MRS. GARRETT] EDNA'S EDIBLES?
OH, YOU SAW THAT AD.
WELL, THANK YOU.
BUT I'M AFRAID THE POSITION
HAS ALREADY BEEN FILLED.
THANKS, MRS. GARRETT.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AN ENJOY THE FUN OF MANAGING ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU WILL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
IS ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪