The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Christmas Show - full transcript
The girls prepare to go their separate ways for Christmas vacation.
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
NATALIE, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING
HOME WITH ME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
THIS IS GONNA BE MY
BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
WELL, THIS IS GONNA
BE MY FIRST CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW, A TREE,
STOCKINGS, SUGAR PLUMS...
THE WHOLE ENCHILADA.
♪ LA LA LA-LA LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
GEE, MRS. GARRETT, I
FEEL KIND OF GUILTY,
ALL OF US DESERTING
YOU OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
NOT GUILTY ENOUGH
TO STAY, BUT GUILTY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A
FANTASTIC CHRISTMAS.
'TIS THE SEASON TO
RAKE IN THE BUCKS.
I'M GONNA TAKE
PEEKSKILL BY STORM
WITH MY FESTIVE
YULETIDE FRUITCAKES.
HEY, ARE YOU SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE
TO RUN THE SHOP ALL BY YOURSELF?
NOT TO WORRY. I'VE HIRED
A YOUNG MAN TO HELP OUT.
A YOUNG MAN? REALLY?
YOUNG MAN, COULD YOU COME
OUT HERE A MINUTE, PLEASE?
YES?
MR. LAZZERONI! HI!
AREN'T YOU STILL THE
CARETAKER AT THE CEMETERY?
YES. OH, YES.
BUT I GOT A LEAVE OF
ABSENCE OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
THEY'LL ALL BE THERE
WHEN I GET BACK.
WELL, A PERSON'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING
CHRISTMASSY AT CHRISTMASTIME.
LIKE WRAPPING EDNA'S
YULETIDE FRUITCAKES. SURE.
I JUST PUT A SPECIAL AD FOR THEM
IN THE MERCHANTS'
ASSOCIATION FLIER.
THOSE MERCHANTS
ARE REAL GO-GETTERS.
YES, SIR.
THEY'VE GOT THE SPIRIT
THAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT.
[CHUCKLING] JUST A
BUNCH OF SMALL SHOPS
BANDING TOGETHER TO BEAT
THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF K-MART.
YEAH! [LAUGHING]
WHAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS
THIS IS GONNA BE.
I GOT MY MOM HER
FIRST SILK BLOUSE.
IT WAS ON SALE FOR 39.95,
ONLY THEY DIDN'T
HAVE IT IN HER SIZE,
SO THEY TOOK THE
ONE OFF THE MANNEQUIN
AND KNOCKED OFF FIVE BUCKS.
THAT'S TERRIFIC, JO.
HOPE IT LOOKS AS GOOD ON
HER AS IT DID ON THE DUMMY.
HOW DO I LOOK?
OOH! [GASPING]
LIKE A GIANT FUR BALL.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
OH, I'LL GET IT.
BLAIR, THAT'S GORGEOUS!
OH, I'LL BET YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
SEEING YOUR FOLKS FOR CHRISTMAS.
OH, I'M NOT GONNA BE WITH THEM.
I'M GONNA BE ON
THE SLOPES AT VAIL.
DADDY'S IN TOKYO.
HE SENT THE COAT.
MOTHER'S IN ST. MORITZ.
SHE SENT SKI BOOTS.
MY UNITED PARCEL
TRUCK RUNNETH OVER.
MY MOM MAILED MY
GIFT A WEEK AGO,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T
TELL ME WHAT IT WAS.
TOOTIE, TELL ME IT'S A STEREO.
IT'S A STEREO.
I KNEW YOU'D COME
THROUGH FOR ME.
HEY, JO, WHO WAS
THAT ON THE PHONE?
AH, IT'S JUST MY MOM.
UH, LISTEN, MRS. GARRETT,
WOULD YOU MIND IF I STAYED HERE
WITH YOU THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS?
OF COURSE I WOULD.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
AT HOME WITH YOUR MOM.
YEAH, WELL, UH,
HER PLANS CHANGED.
THE BAR SHE WORKS AT IS
CLOSING FOR REMODELING,
SO SHE'S GONNA BE WORKING AT A
FRIEND'S RESTAURANT DOWN IN MIAMI.
THAT'S A SHAME, JO.
CAN'T YOU STAY WITH YOUR DAD?
NO. HE'S DRIVING A TRUCK OUT TO
THE COAST ON HIS CHRISTMAS BREAK.
SO IT'S ALL RIGHT
IF I STAY HERE?
ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'D JUST LOVE TO
HAVE YOUR COMPANY.
CAN YOU SELL FRUITCAKES?
YOU BAKE 'EM, I'LL
SELL 'EM. ALL RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT
KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THAT?
BEING STUCK HERE
WITH MRS. GARRETT?
[CHUCKLES] WELL, I MEANT
BEING STUCK HERE IN PEEKSKILL.
THAT'S A LITTLE BETTER.
I'M SORRY, JO.
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
WERE LOOKING FORWARD
TO SPENDING CHRISTMAS
WITH YOUR MOM.
WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL
ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAY.
LOOK, I'LL JUST GIVE THIS
TO MY MOM SOME OTHER TIME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GIVE
YOUR RECORD PLAYER TO GOODWILL?
I'M GIVING THE NEEDY
CHILDREN THE GIFT OF MUSIC.
AND CLEARING A SPACE ON MY SHELF
FOR MY NEW STEREO.
I HATE TO BRING THIS UP,
BUT WHAT IF YOUR FOLKS
DON'T COME THROUGH?
DON'T BRING IT UP.
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS... ♪
WOW, THIS WHOLE HOUSE
SMELLS LIKE FRUITCAKE.
I KNOW. [SNIFFING]
AHH! ISN'T IT A WONDERFUL AROMA?
WELL, I WOULDN'T
PUT IT BEHIND MY EARS
FOR AN IMPORTANT DATE.
WHAT A MARVELOUS IDEA.
IT'LL DRIVE WALTER WILD.
WHO'S WALTER?
NEVER MIND.
NATALIE, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE A NEW TAPE DECK
TO GO WITH YOUR NEW STEREO?
IT'LL ONLY COST YOU A BUCK.
TOOTIE, FAR BE IT FOR ME
TO QUESTION SUCH A BARGAIN,
BUT IS IT HOT?
NATALIE!
I'M SELLING RAFFLE
TICKETS FOR CHARITY.
FOR PEEKSKILL'S
NEEDIEST FAMILIES?
UH-HUH. YOU CAN
ALSO WIN A COLOR TV,
A HOME COMPUTER, HEDGE CLIPPERS,
OR THE SECRET BONUS PRIZE.
I EXPECT SUPPORT
FROM YOU PEOPLE.
A DOLLAR, HUH?
TEN THIN DIMES...
GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU A
CLEAR CONSCIENCE AT CHRISTMAS.
OKAY, YOU HIT MY
GUILT NERVE. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE ONE. THANK YOU.
AND IT'S A PLEASURE
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.
JO? OH, COME ON.
NOBODY EVER WINS THOSE THINGS.
TOOTIE, DEAR, UH...
I'LL JUST TAKE THE
REST OF THOSE.
HERE'S TEN DOLLARS. GREAT!
YOU NEED HEDGE
CLIPPERS THAT BAD?
CAN I HELP IT IF I'M FULL
OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?
WELL, LISTEN, EVEN US
NON-ZILLIONAIRES CAN SUPPORT CHARITIES.
HERE. HERE.
THANK YOU, JO.
THEY'LL BE PICKING THE
WINNERS THIS AFTERNOON.
YEAH. I WON'T HOLD MY BREATH.
TOOTIE, YOU WERE BRILLIANT!
NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU WERE BRILLIANT.
WHAT?
I LOVED IT WHEN YOU
SAID, "TEN THIN DIMES."
AND THEN YOU SAID, "I'LL JUST
TAKE THE REST OF THOSE TICKETS."
[LAUGHING]
WHAT, WHAT? WHAT ARE
YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
THERE IS NO RAFFLE.
IT'S A WAY OF
GETTING JO TO MIAMI.
SHE'S GONNA WIN THE
SECRET BONUS PRIZE:
A FREE AIRLINE TICKET
PROVIDED BY BLAIR.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
YOU WOULD HAVE LOOKED REHEARSED.
WE WANTED A SPONTANEOUS
REACTION FROM YOU.
I CAN ACT, I CAN DO SPONTANEOUS.
NATALIE, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
IT WORKED.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
THE DIFFERENCE IS I FEEL STUPID.
I BOUGHT ONE OF
THESE DUMB THINGS!
I WANT MY MONEY
BACK, YOUNG LADY,
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT TIME I HAVE A SECRET.
YOU WON'T KNOW NEXT
TIME I HAVE A SECRET.
OHH! THAT STUPID
MERCHANTS' ASSOCIATION!
THE BIG CHRISTMAS
FLIER. LOOK! LOOK!
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY AD!
"EDNA'S CORRAL."
HE GOT US MIXED UP WITH THE
PUPPY CORRAL DOWN THE STREET!
OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THEIR AD:
"EDIBLE PUPPIES."
YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?
LOOK, LOOK AT THIS:
"EDNA'S HOLIDAY SPECIAL:
FRESH SCHNAUZERS, ONLY 8.95."
WITHOUT ADVERTISING,
WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH THE 82 FRUITCAKES
THAT ARE LEFT?
FEED 'EM TO THE SCHNAUZERS.
THOSE AIRHEADS ARE
GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE
MONEY, NOT LOSE IT WITH THEM.
OHH! OHH.
[DOOR OPENING]
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO SEE A MAN ABOUT A DOG!
JO, I HAVE GOT SUCH GOOD NEWS.
REMEMBER THAT RAFFLE
TICKET YOU BOUGHT?
WELL, YOU WON THE
SECRET BONUS PRIZE!
NO KIDDIN'. HEY!
MR. LAZZERONI, COULD YOU
COME OUT HERE A MINUTE?
YES?
LOOK... LOOKS LIKE YOU WON
SOMETHING ON THAT RAFFLE TICKET.
WHAT?
YEAH, I GAVE THE RAFFLE
TICKET TO MR. LAZZERONI.
I WON? AMAZING.
OPEN IT.
OH, THEY DON'T CALL ME
"LUCKY" LAZZERONI FOR NOTHING.
OH, WELL... OH.
GOLLY MOSES, IT'S AN
AIRLINE TICKET TO MIAMI.
IT IS? WOW.
I HEAR THAT TOWN IS
CRAWLING WITH RICH WIDOWS.
I'LL NEED MY SUN TAN OIL.
YOU CAN'T GO, MR. LAZZERONI.
I CAN'T?
NO! JO WASN'T ALLOWED
TO GIVE YOU THAT TICKET.
IT'S... IT'S... NOT
TRANSFERABLE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW SO
MUCH ABOUT TOOTIE'S RAFFLE?
BECAUSE... BLAIR.
OK, I BOUGHT THE
TICKET TO MIAMI FOR YOU.
SURPRISE!
JO, TAKE THE TICKET, PLEASE.
YOU WERE IN ON THIS, TOO?
I WASN'T! I WAS TRYING
TO WIN A TAPE DECK.
WELL, YOU CAN ALL FORGET IT.
I DON'T NEED HANDOUTS.
JO, THIS WASN'T A HANDOUT.
I WAS SIMPLY TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING NICE
FOR SOMEONE AT CHRISTMAS.
PEOPLE DO THAT.
YEAH. RICH PEOPLE DO
THAT FOR POOR PEOPLE.
JO, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.
IT'S JUST THAT WE ALL HAD PLANS
AND YOU HAD NO PLACE TO GO.
LOOK, I AM NOT ONE OF
PEEKSKILL'S NEEDIEST FAMILIES.
SO WOULD YOU JUST STOP TRYING TO
BRIGHTEN MY CHRISTMAS, ALL RIGHT?
GUESS I WON'T
NEED MY SUN TAN OIL.
HOW ABOUT ONE OF EDNA'S
YUMMY YULETIDE FRUITCAKES?
I HATE FRUITCAKE.
I CAME HERE FOR A SCHNAUZER.
HO HO HO.
ONLY THREE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
AND I HAVE STILL GOT 75
YULETIDE FRUITCAKES LEFT.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'LL USE 'EM AS
STICKY DOOR STOPS.
BAH, HUMBUG!
YOU'D THINK THOSE
BOZOS OUT THERE
COULD BUY ONE LOUSY FRUITCAKE
FROM A MAN IN A UNIFORM!
LISTEN, UH...
NATALIE AND I DON'T WANT
TO GO OFF ON OUR HOLIDAY
FEELING THAT YOU'RE MAD AT US.
I AM NOT MAD AT YOU.
GOOD. BUT, UM...
WE DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT
YOU'RE MAD AT BLAIR EITHER.
OH, JO! [SIGHS]
THE TICKET TO MIAMI WAS A GIFT.
LOOK, WE MADE A DEAL:
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE FIVE DOLLARS OR UNDER.
SO THINK OF THIS AS
BLAIR'S GIFT TO YOU
FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS.
LOOK, ANY WAY I LOOK
AT IT IT'S STILL A HANDOUT.
IT'S BLAIR'S ANSWER
TO EVERYTHING: MONEY.
WELL, NATALIE, WE'RE STILL
GONNA HAVE A BALL IN WASHINGTON.
I GUESS SO.
IT'LL BE KIND OF TOUGH,
THOUGH, TO HAVE FUN
WITH THAT BIG QUESTION
MARK HANGING OVER MY HEAD.
YEAH, YOU MEAN, "WILL JO HAVE
A DECENT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?"
NO. WILL I GET MY STEREO
FROM MOM AND DAD?
WELL, YOU WILL. YOU SAID
YOU HINTED TO YOUR MOM.
YEAH, BUT PARENTS
ARE UNRELIABLE.
SOMETIMES THEY
THINK FOR THEMSELVES.
WELL, I NEVER WORRY ABOUT
WHAT I'M GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS.
SANTA HASN'T
DISAPPOINTED ME YET.
SANTA? WHAT AM I
TALKING TO, A CHILD?
DON'T KNOCK IT IF
YOU HAVEN'T TRIED IT.
SIT DOWN. SEE...
EVERY YEAR MOM USED
TO TAKE ME TO VISIT SANTA,
AND I'D SIT ON HIS
LAP AND I'D TELL HIM
WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS.
AND I ALWAYS GOT
EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR.
NO KIDDING.
HMM...
UH, MR. LAZZERONI, COULD YOU
COME OUT HERE FOR A MINUTE?
I HOPE IT'LL WORK WITH
A SKINNY SANTA CLAUS.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, NATALIE?
UM, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A MINUTE?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN.
IF IT'S BAD NEWS,
I'LL TAKE IT STANDING.
I JUST WANT TO SIT ON YOUR LAP.
IT'LL ONLY TAKE A
MINUTE, MR. LAZZERONI.
LONG ENOUGH FOR NATALIE
TO TELL SANTA WHAT SHE WANTS
[CHUCKLES] OH, SURE. I'M GAME.
PUT IT RIGHT HERE.
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
NOW WHAT I WANT IS...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NATALIE.
EXCUSE HER, SHE HAS
GOT NO EXPERIENCE.
SANTA ALWAYS GOES FIRST.
HIT IT.
HO HO HO! WHAT'S
YOUR NAME, LITTLE GIRL?
YOU KNOW MY NAME.
NATALIE!
MY NAME IS NATALIE, SANTA.
GOOD. AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
SANTA TO BRING YOU THIS YEAR, NATALIE?
NATALIE, THE PACKAGE IS HERE!
I SIGNED FOR IT. LET ME AT IT!
AH, THAT WAS EASY.
HURRY, OPEN IT UP, OPEN IT UP.
OK, OK! OH, I CAN'T STAND IT.
IT'S GOT TO BE A STEREO.
IT'S THE RIGHT
SIZE FOR A STEREO.
IT'S THE RIGHT
SHAPE FOR A STEREO.
IT IS A WARM COAT.
I WANT TO DIE. SOMEBODY
SMOTHER ME WITH THIS.
WELL, THERE'S AN
ENVELOPE. OPEN IT.
IT'LL JUST BE A POEM.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS WRITES POEMS.
THE WORLD COULD BE ENDING
AND SHE'D WRITE A POEM.
"HERE IS A COAT FOR
OUR LOVELY DAUGHTER
SO SHE CAN STAY WARM
LIKE WE ALWAYS TAUGHT HER"
"HAPPY HANUKKAH,
LOVE, MOM AND DAD."
PUT IT ON. YEAH, COME
ON, LET'S SEE IT, NATALIE.
I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, IT'S A GOOD COAT.
Natalie: ACTUALLY,
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
OH, WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER
MESSAGE FROM LONGFELLOW.
"IF THE COAT DIDN'T
MAKE YOU MERRY-O...
AT HOME THERE'S A
BRAND NEW STEREO!"
[SCREAMING] I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
Mrs. Garrett: OH, YOUR TRAIN!
WE GOTTA GET GOING. YOUR TRAIN.
THAT'S GREAT!
COME ON, GUYS, WE DON'T
WANT TO MISS THE TRAIN
AND GET STUCK HERE.
I KNOW, IN PEEKSKILL.
BYE, JO.
MERRY CHRISTMAS. BYE. YOU, TOO.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU.
YOU, TOO. HAVE FUN. OK.
WELL... HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YOU, TOO.
COME ON, BLAIR, WE GOTTA GO.
YEAH. THE SLOPES ARE CALLING.
HERE WE ARE, FOUR FRUITCAKES.
THANKS. I MAY BE BACK FOR MORE.
OH. [CHUCKLES]
GOOD NIGHT.
HOW DID YOU SELL THAT
GUY FOUR FRUITCAKES?
ISN'T HE THE ONE WHO HATES THEM?
SALESMANSHIP, LADIES.
I MERELY DESCRIBED THE WONDERFUL
INGREDIENTS IN EVERY CAKE:
THE CRUNCHY NUT
MEATS, THE PLUMP RAISINS,
THE HALF-PINT OF JACK DANIEL'S.
THERE'S NO WHISKEY IN MY CAKES.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY
TO HIM WHEN HE FIGURES THAT OUT?
HMM, I'M AN OLD
MAN, I RAMBLE ON.
WELL, WE'RE DOWN TO A
MEASLY 53 FRUITCAKES.
YOU KNOW...
ARRANGED CORRECTLY, THESE COULD
MAKE AN INTERESTING ROOM DIVIDER.
WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
I THINK FRUITCAKE
SALES HAVE HAD IT.
SOME CHRISTMAS.
I'M IN THE RED
INSTEAD OF THE GREEN.
WELL... HERE, MR. LAZZERONI.
HERE'S YOUR CHECK FOR
YOUR FIRST WEEK'S SERVICES.
EDNA, I KNOW YOU FEEL
THIS AMOUNT IS ADEQUATE,
BUT IT JUST WON'T DO.
WHAT AMOUNT DO
YOU FEEL IT SHOULD BE?
ACCORDING TO MY FIGURES,
YOU OWE ME 50... FRUITCAKES.
[CHUCKLING]
AND I WON'T TAKE A CRUMB LESS.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO BE GALLANT.
NO, OH, NO.
I'VE GOT A SPECIFIC NEED
FOR THESE FRUITCAKES.
[SCOFFS] WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, INSULATE YOUR ATTIC?
THEY'RE GONNA MAKE
GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFTS
FOR THOSE OLD
GEEZERS IN THE HOME.
WHY, WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
BUT MR. LAZZERONI,
I CAN'T HAVE YOU
WORK FOR NOTHING.
WORK FOR NOTHING?
YOUR GIRLS ARE A MILLION LAUGHS,
AND AT MY AGE THAT'S A LOT
HARDER TO COME BY THAN MONEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
HOW'S ABOUT... MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
BUT I INSIST YOU
TAKE THIS CHECK.
OH, NO, NO. OH, PLEASE.
[SIGHS] WELL... AND THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME
ABOUT THE TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
OH. MY PLEASURE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME, TOO.
I FEEL LIKE TINY TIM HERE.
GEE, I GOTTA GO.
YEAH.
WE'RE TOBOGGANING
THIS EVENING. CIAO!
IT SURE IS QUIET IN HERE.
THAT'S WHY THEY
CALL IT SILENT NIGHT.
I AM STARVED.
HOW ABOUT A CHRISTMAS
EVE HAMBURGER?
ALL RIGHT. WITH
EVERYTHING ON IT?
MMM!
I'LL CLOSE UP THE SHOP
AND HEAT UP THE GRIDDLE.
OK, I'LL GET SOME CHRISTMAS
MUSIC ON THE RADIO
AND I'LL TURN ON THE TREE.
YOU KNOW...
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE
AS DEADLY AS I THOUGHT.
[DECK THE HALLS PLAYING]
[O LITTLE TOWN OF
BETHLEHEM PLAYING]
HI.
HI.
THOUGHT YOU WERE ON
YOUR WAY TO THE SLOPES.
I WAS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M HERE BECAUSE...
JUST NO PLACE LIKE
PEEKSKILL AT CHRISTMAS.
RIGHT. YEAH, I HEAR PERRY COMO'S
DOING HIS SPECIAL
HERE NEXT YEAR.
LOOK, JO... I HAD THREE CHOICES:
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
CIRCUIT IN MANHATTAN,
A DRUNKEN BRAWL WITH
STRANGERS ON THE SLOPES,
OR BEING HERE WITH YOU GUYS.
AND I DECIDED...
I WANTED TO BE HERE.
GOOD CHOICE.
HEY, MRS. G, YOU BETTER
PUT ON ANOTHER HAMBURGER!
WHAT?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH! [LAUGHING]
BLAIR!
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR IT
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR IT
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET HIM RIGHT,
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT THE FUTURE
IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOT TO DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU'D NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ LEARNING THE
FACTS OF LIFE... ♪♪
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪
♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪
♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪
NATALIE, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING
HOME WITH ME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
THIS IS GONNA BE MY
BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
WELL, THIS IS GONNA
BE MY FIRST CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW, A TREE,
STOCKINGS, SUGAR PLUMS...
THE WHOLE ENCHILADA.
♪ LA LA LA-LA LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA-LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
GEE, MRS. GARRETT, I
FEEL KIND OF GUILTY,
ALL OF US DESERTING
YOU OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
NOT GUILTY ENOUGH
TO STAY, BUT GUILTY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A
FANTASTIC CHRISTMAS.
'TIS THE SEASON TO
RAKE IN THE BUCKS.
I'M GONNA TAKE
PEEKSKILL BY STORM
WITH MY FESTIVE
YULETIDE FRUITCAKES.
HEY, ARE YOU SURE YOU'LL BE ABLE
TO RUN THE SHOP ALL BY YOURSELF?
NOT TO WORRY. I'VE HIRED
A YOUNG MAN TO HELP OUT.
A YOUNG MAN? REALLY?
YOUNG MAN, COULD YOU COME
OUT HERE A MINUTE, PLEASE?
YES?
MR. LAZZERONI! HI!
AREN'T YOU STILL THE
CARETAKER AT THE CEMETERY?
YES. OH, YES.
BUT I GOT A LEAVE OF
ABSENCE OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
THEY'LL ALL BE THERE
WHEN I GET BACK.
WELL, A PERSON'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING
CHRISTMASSY AT CHRISTMASTIME.
LIKE WRAPPING EDNA'S
YULETIDE FRUITCAKES. SURE.
I JUST PUT A SPECIAL AD FOR THEM
IN THE MERCHANTS'
ASSOCIATION FLIER.
THOSE MERCHANTS
ARE REAL GO-GETTERS.
YES, SIR.
THEY'VE GOT THE SPIRIT
THAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT.
[CHUCKLING] JUST A
BUNCH OF SMALL SHOPS
BANDING TOGETHER TO BEAT
THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF K-MART.
YEAH! [LAUGHING]
WHAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS
THIS IS GONNA BE.
I GOT MY MOM HER
FIRST SILK BLOUSE.
IT WAS ON SALE FOR 39.95,
ONLY THEY DIDN'T
HAVE IT IN HER SIZE,
SO THEY TOOK THE
ONE OFF THE MANNEQUIN
AND KNOCKED OFF FIVE BUCKS.
THAT'S TERRIFIC, JO.
HOPE IT LOOKS AS GOOD ON
HER AS IT DID ON THE DUMMY.
HOW DO I LOOK?
OOH! [GASPING]
LIKE A GIANT FUR BALL.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
OH, I'LL GET IT.
BLAIR, THAT'S GORGEOUS!
OH, I'LL BET YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
SEEING YOUR FOLKS FOR CHRISTMAS.
OH, I'M NOT GONNA BE WITH THEM.
I'M GONNA BE ON
THE SLOPES AT VAIL.
DADDY'S IN TOKYO.
HE SENT THE COAT.
MOTHER'S IN ST. MORITZ.
SHE SENT SKI BOOTS.
MY UNITED PARCEL
TRUCK RUNNETH OVER.
MY MOM MAILED MY
GIFT A WEEK AGO,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T
TELL ME WHAT IT WAS.
TOOTIE, TELL ME IT'S A STEREO.
IT'S A STEREO.
I KNEW YOU'D COME
THROUGH FOR ME.
HEY, JO, WHO WAS
THAT ON THE PHONE?
AH, IT'S JUST MY MOM.
UH, LISTEN, MRS. GARRETT,
WOULD YOU MIND IF I STAYED HERE
WITH YOU THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS?
OF COURSE I WOULD.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
AT HOME WITH YOUR MOM.
YEAH, WELL, UH,
HER PLANS CHANGED.
THE BAR SHE WORKS AT IS
CLOSING FOR REMODELING,
SO SHE'S GONNA BE WORKING AT A
FRIEND'S RESTAURANT DOWN IN MIAMI.
THAT'S A SHAME, JO.
CAN'T YOU STAY WITH YOUR DAD?
NO. HE'S DRIVING A TRUCK OUT TO
THE COAST ON HIS CHRISTMAS BREAK.
SO IT'S ALL RIGHT
IF I STAY HERE?
ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'D JUST LOVE TO
HAVE YOUR COMPANY.
CAN YOU SELL FRUITCAKES?
YOU BAKE 'EM, I'LL
SELL 'EM. ALL RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT
KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THAT?
BEING STUCK HERE
WITH MRS. GARRETT?
[CHUCKLES] WELL, I MEANT
BEING STUCK HERE IN PEEKSKILL.
THAT'S A LITTLE BETTER.
I'M SORRY, JO.
I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
WERE LOOKING FORWARD
TO SPENDING CHRISTMAS
WITH YOUR MOM.
WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL
ABOUT CHRISTMAS?
IT'S JUST ANOTHER DAY.
LOOK, I'LL JUST GIVE THIS
TO MY MOM SOME OTHER TIME.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GIVE
YOUR RECORD PLAYER TO GOODWILL?
I'M GIVING THE NEEDY
CHILDREN THE GIFT OF MUSIC.
AND CLEARING A SPACE ON MY SHELF
FOR MY NEW STEREO.
I HATE TO BRING THIS UP,
BUT WHAT IF YOUR FOLKS
DON'T COME THROUGH?
DON'T BRING IT UP.
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ WE WISH YOU A
MERRY CHRISTMAS... ♪
WOW, THIS WHOLE HOUSE
SMELLS LIKE FRUITCAKE.
I KNOW. [SNIFFING]
AHH! ISN'T IT A WONDERFUL AROMA?
WELL, I WOULDN'T
PUT IT BEHIND MY EARS
FOR AN IMPORTANT DATE.
WHAT A MARVELOUS IDEA.
IT'LL DRIVE WALTER WILD.
WHO'S WALTER?
NEVER MIND.
NATALIE, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE A NEW TAPE DECK
TO GO WITH YOUR NEW STEREO?
IT'LL ONLY COST YOU A BUCK.
TOOTIE, FAR BE IT FOR ME
TO QUESTION SUCH A BARGAIN,
BUT IS IT HOT?
NATALIE!
I'M SELLING RAFFLE
TICKETS FOR CHARITY.
FOR PEEKSKILL'S
NEEDIEST FAMILIES?
UH-HUH. YOU CAN
ALSO WIN A COLOR TV,
A HOME COMPUTER, HEDGE CLIPPERS,
OR THE SECRET BONUS PRIZE.
I EXPECT SUPPORT
FROM YOU PEOPLE.
A DOLLAR, HUH?
TEN THIN DIMES...
GUARANTEED TO GIVE YOU A
CLEAR CONSCIENCE AT CHRISTMAS.
OKAY, YOU HIT MY
GUILT NERVE. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE ONE. THANK YOU.
AND IT'S A PLEASURE
DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.
JO? OH, COME ON.
NOBODY EVER WINS THOSE THINGS.
TOOTIE, DEAR, UH...
I'LL JUST TAKE THE
REST OF THOSE.
HERE'S TEN DOLLARS. GREAT!
YOU NEED HEDGE
CLIPPERS THAT BAD?
CAN I HELP IT IF I'M FULL
OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?
WELL, LISTEN, EVEN US
NON-ZILLIONAIRES CAN SUPPORT CHARITIES.
HERE. HERE.
THANK YOU, JO.
THEY'LL BE PICKING THE
WINNERS THIS AFTERNOON.
YEAH. I WON'T HOLD MY BREATH.
TOOTIE, YOU WERE BRILLIANT!
NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU WERE BRILLIANT.
WHAT?
I LOVED IT WHEN YOU
SAID, "TEN THIN DIMES."
AND THEN YOU SAID, "I'LL JUST
TAKE THE REST OF THOSE TICKETS."
[LAUGHING]
WHAT, WHAT? WHAT ARE
YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
THERE IS NO RAFFLE.
IT'S A WAY OF
GETTING JO TO MIAMI.
SHE'S GONNA WIN THE
SECRET BONUS PRIZE:
A FREE AIRLINE TICKET
PROVIDED BY BLAIR.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
YOU WOULD HAVE LOOKED REHEARSED.
WE WANTED A SPONTANEOUS
REACTION FROM YOU.
I CAN ACT, I CAN DO SPONTANEOUS.
NATALIE, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
IT WORKED.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
THE DIFFERENCE IS I FEEL STUPID.
I BOUGHT ONE OF
THESE DUMB THINGS!
I WANT MY MONEY
BACK, YOUNG LADY,
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT TIME I HAVE A SECRET.
YOU WON'T KNOW NEXT
TIME I HAVE A SECRET.
OHH! THAT STUPID
MERCHANTS' ASSOCIATION!
THE BIG CHRISTMAS
FLIER. LOOK! LOOK!
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY AD!
"EDNA'S CORRAL."
HE GOT US MIXED UP WITH THE
PUPPY CORRAL DOWN THE STREET!
OH, YEAH, LOOK AT THEIR AD:
"EDIBLE PUPPIES."
YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?
LOOK, LOOK AT THIS:
"EDNA'S HOLIDAY SPECIAL:
FRESH SCHNAUZERS, ONLY 8.95."
WITHOUT ADVERTISING,
WHAT AM I GONNA DO
WITH THE 82 FRUITCAKES
THAT ARE LEFT?
FEED 'EM TO THE SCHNAUZERS.
THOSE AIRHEADS ARE
GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE
MONEY, NOT LOSE IT WITH THEM.
OHH! OHH.
[DOOR OPENING]
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO SEE A MAN ABOUT A DOG!
JO, I HAVE GOT SUCH GOOD NEWS.
REMEMBER THAT RAFFLE
TICKET YOU BOUGHT?
WELL, YOU WON THE
SECRET BONUS PRIZE!
NO KIDDIN'. HEY!
MR. LAZZERONI, COULD YOU
COME OUT HERE A MINUTE?
YES?
LOOK... LOOKS LIKE YOU WON
SOMETHING ON THAT RAFFLE TICKET.
WHAT?
YEAH, I GAVE THE RAFFLE
TICKET TO MR. LAZZERONI.
I WON? AMAZING.
OPEN IT.
OH, THEY DON'T CALL ME
"LUCKY" LAZZERONI FOR NOTHING.
OH, WELL... OH.
GOLLY MOSES, IT'S AN
AIRLINE TICKET TO MIAMI.
IT IS? WOW.
I HEAR THAT TOWN IS
CRAWLING WITH RICH WIDOWS.
I'LL NEED MY SUN TAN OIL.
YOU CAN'T GO, MR. LAZZERONI.
I CAN'T?
NO! JO WASN'T ALLOWED
TO GIVE YOU THAT TICKET.
IT'S... IT'S... NOT
TRANSFERABLE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW SO
MUCH ABOUT TOOTIE'S RAFFLE?
BECAUSE... BLAIR.
OK, I BOUGHT THE
TICKET TO MIAMI FOR YOU.
SURPRISE!
JO, TAKE THE TICKET, PLEASE.
YOU WERE IN ON THIS, TOO?
I WASN'T! I WAS TRYING
TO WIN A TAPE DECK.
WELL, YOU CAN ALL FORGET IT.
I DON'T NEED HANDOUTS.
JO, THIS WASN'T A HANDOUT.
I WAS SIMPLY TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING NICE
FOR SOMEONE AT CHRISTMAS.
PEOPLE DO THAT.
YEAH. RICH PEOPLE DO
THAT FOR POOR PEOPLE.
JO, THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL.
IT'S JUST THAT WE ALL HAD PLANS
AND YOU HAD NO PLACE TO GO.
LOOK, I AM NOT ONE OF
PEEKSKILL'S NEEDIEST FAMILIES.
SO WOULD YOU JUST STOP TRYING TO
BRIGHTEN MY CHRISTMAS, ALL RIGHT?
GUESS I WON'T
NEED MY SUN TAN OIL.
HOW ABOUT ONE OF EDNA'S
YUMMY YULETIDE FRUITCAKES?
I HATE FRUITCAKE.
I CAME HERE FOR A SCHNAUZER.
HO HO HO.
ONLY THREE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
AND I HAVE STILL GOT 75
YULETIDE FRUITCAKES LEFT.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE I'LL USE 'EM AS
STICKY DOOR STOPS.
BAH, HUMBUG!
YOU'D THINK THOSE
BOZOS OUT THERE
COULD BUY ONE LOUSY FRUITCAKE
FROM A MAN IN A UNIFORM!
LISTEN, UH...
NATALIE AND I DON'T WANT
TO GO OFF ON OUR HOLIDAY
FEELING THAT YOU'RE MAD AT US.
I AM NOT MAD AT YOU.
GOOD. BUT, UM...
WE DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT
YOU'RE MAD AT BLAIR EITHER.
OH, JO! [SIGHS]
THE TICKET TO MIAMI WAS A GIFT.
LOOK, WE MADE A DEAL:
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS WERE
SUPPOSED TO BE FIVE DOLLARS OR UNDER.
SO THINK OF THIS AS
BLAIR'S GIFT TO YOU
FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS.
LOOK, ANY WAY I LOOK
AT IT IT'S STILL A HANDOUT.
IT'S BLAIR'S ANSWER
TO EVERYTHING: MONEY.
WELL, NATALIE, WE'RE STILL
GONNA HAVE A BALL IN WASHINGTON.
I GUESS SO.
IT'LL BE KIND OF TOUGH,
THOUGH, TO HAVE FUN
WITH THAT BIG QUESTION
MARK HANGING OVER MY HEAD.
YEAH, YOU MEAN, "WILL JO HAVE
A DECENT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?"
NO. WILL I GET MY STEREO
FROM MOM AND DAD?
WELL, YOU WILL. YOU SAID
YOU HINTED TO YOUR MOM.
YEAH, BUT PARENTS
ARE UNRELIABLE.
SOMETIMES THEY
THINK FOR THEMSELVES.
WELL, I NEVER WORRY ABOUT
WHAT I'M GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS.
SANTA HASN'T
DISAPPOINTED ME YET.
SANTA? WHAT AM I
TALKING TO, A CHILD?
DON'T KNOCK IT IF
YOU HAVEN'T TRIED IT.
SIT DOWN. SEE...
EVERY YEAR MOM USED
TO TAKE ME TO VISIT SANTA,
AND I'D SIT ON HIS
LAP AND I'D TELL HIM
WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS.
AND I ALWAYS GOT
EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR.
NO KIDDING.
HMM...
UH, MR. LAZZERONI, COULD YOU
COME OUT HERE FOR A MINUTE?
I HOPE IT'LL WORK WITH
A SKINNY SANTA CLAUS.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, NATALIE?
UM, CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A MINUTE?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN.
IF IT'S BAD NEWS,
I'LL TAKE IT STANDING.
I JUST WANT TO SIT ON YOUR LAP.
IT'LL ONLY TAKE A
MINUTE, MR. LAZZERONI.
LONG ENOUGH FOR NATALIE
TO TELL SANTA WHAT SHE WANTS
[CHUCKLES] OH, SURE. I'M GAME.
PUT IT RIGHT HERE.
DON'T MIND IF I DO.
NOW WHAT I WANT IS...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NATALIE.
EXCUSE HER, SHE HAS
GOT NO EXPERIENCE.
SANTA ALWAYS GOES FIRST.
HIT IT.
HO HO HO! WHAT'S
YOUR NAME, LITTLE GIRL?
YOU KNOW MY NAME.
NATALIE!
MY NAME IS NATALIE, SANTA.
GOOD. AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
SANTA TO BRING YOU THIS YEAR, NATALIE?
NATALIE, THE PACKAGE IS HERE!
I SIGNED FOR IT. LET ME AT IT!
AH, THAT WAS EASY.
HURRY, OPEN IT UP, OPEN IT UP.
OK, OK! OH, I CAN'T STAND IT.
IT'S GOT TO BE A STEREO.
IT'S THE RIGHT
SIZE FOR A STEREO.
IT'S THE RIGHT
SHAPE FOR A STEREO.
IT IS A WARM COAT.
I WANT TO DIE. SOMEBODY
SMOTHER ME WITH THIS.
WELL, THERE'S AN
ENVELOPE. OPEN IT.
IT'LL JUST BE A POEM.
MY MOTHER ALWAYS WRITES POEMS.
THE WORLD COULD BE ENDING
AND SHE'D WRITE A POEM.
"HERE IS A COAT FOR
OUR LOVELY DAUGHTER
SO SHE CAN STAY WARM
LIKE WE ALWAYS TAUGHT HER"
"HAPPY HANUKKAH,
LOVE, MOM AND DAD."
PUT IT ON. YEAH, COME
ON, LET'S SEE IT, NATALIE.
I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, IT'S A GOOD COAT.
Natalie: ACTUALLY,
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
OH, WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER
MESSAGE FROM LONGFELLOW.
"IF THE COAT DIDN'T
MAKE YOU MERRY-O...
AT HOME THERE'S A
BRAND NEW STEREO!"
[SCREAMING] I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
Mrs. Garrett: OH, YOUR TRAIN!
WE GOTTA GET GOING. YOUR TRAIN.
THAT'S GREAT!
COME ON, GUYS, WE DON'T
WANT TO MISS THE TRAIN
AND GET STUCK HERE.
I KNOW, IN PEEKSKILL.
BYE, JO.
MERRY CHRISTMAS. BYE. YOU, TOO.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU.
YOU, TOO. HAVE FUN. OK.
WELL... HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YOU, TOO.
COME ON, BLAIR, WE GOTTA GO.
YEAH. THE SLOPES ARE CALLING.
HERE WE ARE, FOUR FRUITCAKES.
THANKS. I MAY BE BACK FOR MORE.
OH. [CHUCKLES]
GOOD NIGHT.
HOW DID YOU SELL THAT
GUY FOUR FRUITCAKES?
ISN'T HE THE ONE WHO HATES THEM?
SALESMANSHIP, LADIES.
I MERELY DESCRIBED THE WONDERFUL
INGREDIENTS IN EVERY CAKE:
THE CRUNCHY NUT
MEATS, THE PLUMP RAISINS,
THE HALF-PINT OF JACK DANIEL'S.
THERE'S NO WHISKEY IN MY CAKES.
AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY
TO HIM WHEN HE FIGURES THAT OUT?
HMM, I'M AN OLD
MAN, I RAMBLE ON.
WELL, WE'RE DOWN TO A
MEASLY 53 FRUITCAKES.
YOU KNOW...
ARRANGED CORRECTLY, THESE COULD
MAKE AN INTERESTING ROOM DIVIDER.
WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
I THINK FRUITCAKE
SALES HAVE HAD IT.
SOME CHRISTMAS.
I'M IN THE RED
INSTEAD OF THE GREEN.
WELL... HERE, MR. LAZZERONI.
HERE'S YOUR CHECK FOR
YOUR FIRST WEEK'S SERVICES.
EDNA, I KNOW YOU FEEL
THIS AMOUNT IS ADEQUATE,
BUT IT JUST WON'T DO.
WHAT AMOUNT DO
YOU FEEL IT SHOULD BE?
ACCORDING TO MY FIGURES,
YOU OWE ME 50... FRUITCAKES.
[CHUCKLING]
AND I WON'T TAKE A CRUMB LESS.
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO BE GALLANT.
NO, OH, NO.
I'VE GOT A SPECIFIC NEED
FOR THESE FRUITCAKES.
[SCOFFS] WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, INSULATE YOUR ATTIC?
THEY'RE GONNA MAKE
GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFTS
FOR THOSE OLD
GEEZERS IN THE HOME.
WHY, WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
BUT MR. LAZZERONI,
I CAN'T HAVE YOU
WORK FOR NOTHING.
WORK FOR NOTHING?
YOUR GIRLS ARE A MILLION LAUGHS,
AND AT MY AGE THAT'S A LOT
HARDER TO COME BY THAN MONEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
HOW'S ABOUT... MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
BUT I INSIST YOU
TAKE THIS CHECK.
OH, NO, NO. OH, PLEASE.
[SIGHS] WELL... AND THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME
ABOUT THE TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
OH. MY PLEASURE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME, TOO.
I FEEL LIKE TINY TIM HERE.
GEE, I GOTTA GO.
YEAH.
WE'RE TOBOGGANING
THIS EVENING. CIAO!
IT SURE IS QUIET IN HERE.
THAT'S WHY THEY
CALL IT SILENT NIGHT.
I AM STARVED.
HOW ABOUT A CHRISTMAS
EVE HAMBURGER?
ALL RIGHT. WITH
EVERYTHING ON IT?
MMM!
I'LL CLOSE UP THE SHOP
AND HEAT UP THE GRIDDLE.
OK, I'LL GET SOME CHRISTMAS
MUSIC ON THE RADIO
AND I'LL TURN ON THE TREE.
YOU KNOW...
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE
AS DEADLY AS I THOUGHT.
[DECK THE HALLS PLAYING]
[O LITTLE TOWN OF
BETHLEHEM PLAYING]
HI.
HI.
THOUGHT YOU WERE ON
YOUR WAY TO THE SLOPES.
I WAS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M HERE BECAUSE...
JUST NO PLACE LIKE
PEEKSKILL AT CHRISTMAS.
RIGHT. YEAH, I HEAR PERRY COMO'S
DOING HIS SPECIAL
HERE NEXT YEAR.
LOOK, JO... I HAD THREE CHOICES:
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
CIRCUIT IN MANHATTAN,
A DRUNKEN BRAWL WITH
STRANGERS ON THE SLOPES,
OR BEING HERE WITH YOU GUYS.
AND I DECIDED...
I WANTED TO BE HERE.
GOOD CHOICE.
HEY, MRS. G, YOU BETTER
PUT ON ANOTHER HAMBURGER!
WHAT?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH! [LAUGHING]
BLAIR!
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪
♪ AND ENJOY THE FUN OF
MANAGING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪
♪ IF YOU HEAR IT
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ BETTER CLEAR IT
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪
♪ BETTER GET HIM RIGHT,
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU'VE GOT THE FUTURE
IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪
♪ ALL YOU GOT TO DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪
♪ YOU'D NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
♪ LEARNING THE
FACTS OF LIFE... ♪♪