The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 10 - Store Games - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

MRS. G, WE'RE IN TROUBLE HERE.

WHEN YOU MAKE 36
CROISSANTS A DAY

AND ONLY SELL 3,

YOUR BUSINESS IS
GOING DOWN THE TUBES.

AW, WE'RE JUST HAVING A LULL.



TRY A COMA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
WE'RE DOING WRONG HERE,

BUT IF WE WANT TO KEEP
FLYING, WE GOT TO GO NO-FRILLS.

YOU KNOW THAT FANCY NEW
DIGITAL CASH REGISTER YOU ORDERED?

YES.

I'LL CANCEL IT. GOOD.

NOW COME IN HERE
AND I'LL SHOW YOU

THE NEXT THING THAT GOES.

I HATE IT WHEN
THINGS HAVE TO GO!

MRS. G.

THAT GOES.

YOU WANT ME TO
GET RID OF NATALIE?

THE COMPUTER YOU'RE
RENTING FOR $160 A MONTH.

WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.

HEY, NOT SO FAST!
YOU CAN'T DUMP DERK.

WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING
THE COMPUTER DERK?

I TOLD YOU, AT COMPUTER CAMP,

THEY TOLD US TO DEVELOP
A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP

WITH OUR MODULE.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU AND
YOUR MODULE ARE ENGAGED.

WE CAN'T AFFORD A COMPUTER!

BUT NATALIE AND I HAVE FED

THE WHOLE BOOKKEEPING
SYSTEM INTO DERK.

AND OUR RECIPES, TOO.

FINE, BUT IF BUSINESS
DOESN'T PICK UP IN A WEEK,

DERK DIES.

[BELL JINGLES]

[DOOR SHUTS]

A CUSTOMER! [CHUCKLES]

HI, MRS. GARRETT. JO.

IT'S ONLY YOU.

YOU'RE THAT GLAD TO SEE ME?

I'M SORRY, KELLY.

I WAS HOPING FOR SOMEONE
WITH PURCHASING POWER.

THAT'LL BE ME SOON.

LOOK.

DON'T TELL ME.

YOU MUGGED THE PAPERBOY.

I AM THE PAPERBOY.

JO, I'VE GONE STRAIGHT.

I'M WORKING HARD FOR THE MONEY.

AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME?

YEAH. BEAT IT.

I KNOW WHY EVERYBODY
IS SO GRUMPY TODAY.

I HEARD YOUR BUSINESS
IS DEADER THAN DISCO.

WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

IT'S NOT TRUE! [LAUGHS]

BUT WHERE'D YOU HEAR IT?

HEY, I'M WIRED.

PETE'S DELI, A FEW BLOCKS OVER,

HAS BEEN GETTING ALL
OF YOUR CUSTOMERS.

WHAT?

HOW? THAT'S A DELICATESSEN.
WE'RE A GOURMET FOOD SHOP.

WELL, YESTERDAY, PETE
PUT UP A NEW SIGN THAT SAID,

"PETE'S DELI, A
GOURMET FOOD SHOP."

I KNEW IT WASN'T OUR FAULT.

PETE'S MOVING IN ON OUR TURF.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO OVER THERE

AND BREAK HIS KNEES.

JO, LEAVE PETE'S KNEES ALONE.

I'M SURE HE'S NOT TRYING
TO PUT US OUT OF BUSINESS.

BUT, KELLY, WHAT
IS HE TRYING TO DO?

"PUT YOU OUT OF
BUSINESS" WAS REAL CLOSE.

WHENEVER A NEW FOOD
PLACE MOVES INTO TOWN,

PETE COPIES THEIR PRODUCT
AND UNDERSELLS THEM.

[SCOFFS] IS THIS ANOTHER
ONE OF YOUR STORIES?

YEAH... BUT THIS ONE'S TRUE.

WHEN THE ARMENIAN FOOD
STORE OPENED UP HERE,

PETE STARTED SELLING
FALAFEL ON A STICK.

WELL, GOOD LUCK!

EXTRA! EXTRA!

NOW, GIRLS, LET'S NOT PANIC.

WE MAY BE DOWN,
BUT WE'RE NOT OUT.

AFTER ALL,

WE'RE CATERING THE RUSSELL
WEDDING THIS SATURDAY.

MRS. GARRETT, ONE
WEDDING IS NOT ENOUGH.

MY MOTHER SHARES THAT VIEW.

I'M GONNA GO AND
CHECK THIS PETE OUT,

DO A LITTLE COMPARISON SHOPPING,

DROP A FEW THREATS.

FORGET IT!

EMPTY THREATS AREN'T
GONNA SOLVE ANYTHING.

WHO SAYS THEY'RE GONNA BE EMPTY?

THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER, JO.

OH, BUSINESS WAS GOOD.

MAYBE I GOT A LITTLE COMPLACENT.

I'VE BEEN RELYING TOO
MUCH ON MY PERSONAL CHARM.

WHAT WE NEED IS SOME...

SOME DYNAMIC NEW TASTE THRILL.

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE, UH...

MY FAMOUS WISCONSIN
CHEESE PUFFS.

THEY WERE THE HIT
OF THE 1960 STATE FAIR!

NO OFFENSE HERE,
MRS. G, BUT BIG DEAL.

PETE HAS GOT YOUR CASH
FLOW DOWN TO A SLOW DRIP.

NOT FOR LONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,
THE TOUGH GET COOKING.

[CHUCKLES]

ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A CRISIS HERE,

AND MRS. G IS TOO
NICE TO HANDLE IT.

BUT I'M NOT.

WE GOT TO FIND OUT
PETE'S NEXT MOVE

AND STOP HIM.

I KNOW HOW TO DO IT!

GARBOLOGY!

GARBOLOGY?

THE SCANDAL SHEETS
USE IT ALL THE TIME.

SEE, THEY GO THROUGH
A CELEBRITY'S GARBAGE

AND LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.

THAT'S DISGUSTING!

YOU GIVE ME 24 HOURS
IN PETE'S GARBAGE

AND I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING
YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HIM

AND A LOT MORE.

I THINK I'VE GOT A
MORE SANITARY WAY

OF GETTING PETE'S SECRETS.

WELL, AT THIS POINT,
I'LL LISTEN TO ANY IDEA...

EVEN YOURS.

PETE IS A MAN, ISN'T HE?

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
BAT MY EYELASHES,

TOSS MY HAIR,

AND REDUCE HIM TO SILLY PUTTY.

JUST MIGHT WORK, BLAIR,

IF HE DOESN'T THROW UP FIRST.

PETE, ARE MY DOZEN
CROISSANTS READY?

SURE AS A COW CHEWS ITS CUD.

THERE YOU ARE, DARLING.

OOH, I HOPE THESE ARE AS
GOOD AS AT EDNA'S EDIBLES.

OH, MA'AM...

PETE'S CRACKER-BARREL
"CRAWSANTS"

ARE TO KISS THE FINGERS.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HEY, LISTEN, LET ME LET
YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.

IN EVERY 50th ONE OF
THESE "CRAWSANTS"...

I DONE BAKED A
CRISP NEW $10 BILL.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

I'LL TAKE TWO DOZEN.

YOU GOT 'EM. THANK YOU KINDLY.

ANOTHER DOZEN FROG ROLLS!

OH, HI! YOU'RE FROM
EDNA'S EDIBLES.

AH... I JUST CAME IN TO
PICK UP A FEW THINGS.

I STILL GO TO EDNA'S

FOR ALL MY REGULAR
GOURMET NEEDS.

HERE YOU GO, SWEETHEART.
OH, THANKS, PETE.

NOW, Y'ALL COME
BACK SOON, YOU HEAR?

I WILL. BYE-BYE.

SO... YOU ARE FROM
EDNA'S EDIBLES, HUH?

WELL, I'LL BE A
BUSTED BANJO STRING!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, HONEY-PIE?

BLAIR WARNER.

BLAIR?

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS LITTLE BOY,

I HAD A PONY NAME OF BLAIR.

OH, IT WAS THE PRETTIEST
LITTLE HORSE YOU EVER DID SEE.

THANK YOU. [CHUCKLES]

I CRIED FOR DAYS

WHEN MY DADDY HAD
HER SHOT FOR GLUE.

SO, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, UH... MR. PETE...

IT SEEMS YOU'RE COMPETING

IN THE SAME MARKET THAT WE ARE.

AM I? WELL, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO. I SWEAR I DIDN'T.

'FESS NOW.

YOU'RE SELLING GOURMET FOODS.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
AIN'T NO DENYING THAT.

BUT LOOKY HERE.

YOU PEOPLE ARE
PEDDLING BRATWURST,

AND THAT IS IN DELI COUNTRY.

TELL YOU WHAT.

WE'LL STOP SELLING BRATWURST

IF YOU STOP SELLING CROISSANTS.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
SEEMS LIKE WE'RE WORKING

BOTH SIDES OF THE CREEK IN
THE CATERING BUSINESS, TOO.

WELL, WE CAN FIX THAT.

WHAT IF YOU CATER
ALL THE COOKOUTS

AND PICNICS YOU WANT,

AND WE'LL STICK TO THE WEDDINGS

AND MORE FORMAL FUNCTIONS.

OOH, BOY, I BET YOU COOK
UP SOME SPECIAL EATS

FOR THOSE FANCIFUL
FUNCTIONS, DON'T YOU?

I'LL SAY.

FOR THE RUSSELL
WEDDING THIS WEEKEND,

WE'RE EVEN MAKING EDNA'S
SPECIAL CHEESE PUFFS.

WOODY RUSSELL'S
KID GETTING HITCHED?

AH, I CAN REMEMBER
WHEN SHE WAS IN PIGTAILS

AND PATENT LEATHER.

CHEESE PUFFS?

WELL, ANGEL FACE, YOU
MAKE A LOT OF SENSE.

YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.

REALLY? MM-HMM.

I MUST ADMIT, YOU'RE A
LOT MORE REASONABLE

THAN I THOUGHT
YOU WERE GONNA BE.

WELL, THANK YOU... I RECKON.

Y'ALL COME BACK SOON, HEAR?

OKAY.

BYE... PETE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WOODY RUSSELL? PETE DAWSON HERE.

OH, CAN'T COMPLAIN.

LISTEN, WOODY, WHAT'S
THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU

HIRING EDNA'S EDIBLES

TO CATER LITTLE
SHELLY'S WEDDING?

YOU DO REMEMBER A COUPLE
YEARS BACK, DON'T YOU, WOODY,

WHEN I PULLED YOU OUT FROM
UNDER THAT BURNING TRUCK?

YEAH, I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WOULD.

ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.

OOH, OHHH!

I... I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

WOODY RUSSELL JUST GAVE
MY WEDDING JOB TO PETE'S DELI!

WHAT?

WHY'D WOODY CHANGE HIS MIND?

SEEMS LIKE OLD PETE PULLED
HIM OUT FROM UNDER A TRUCK.

I'D LIKE TO SHOVE HIM
BACK UNDER THERE!

HOW DID PETE FIND OUT
ABOUT THE WEDDING?

ALL RIGHT, PETE.

NO MORE EDNA NICE GUY. OH NO.

I GOT TO GET THOSE CHEESE PUFFS

OFF THE BACK BURNER
AND INTO THE OVEN.

I BETTER GO HELP HER.

I REPEAT, HOW'D HE FIND
OUT ABOUT THE WEDDING?

BLAIR!

YOU MEAN, YOU ACTUALLY
THINK... I TOLD HIM?

YEAH.

OKAY, I TOLD HIM.

IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.

THE MAN IS DECEIVING
AND... AND FLATTERING.

HE TOLD ME I... REMINDED
HIM OF HIS PONY.

WHICH END?

WHAT ELSE "SLIPPED OUT"?

NOTHING. NOTHING?

NOTHING... THAT I CAN REMEMBER.

BLAIR, THAT WEDDING
WAS GONNA KEEP US

OPEN ANOTHER MONTH.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

I DO, I'M GOING BACK
OVER TO PETE'S DELI

AND SPY ON HIS EVERY MOVE.

AND THIS TIME, I GUARANTEE YOU

HE WILL NOT MAKE A
FOOL OF BLAIR WARNER.

WHY, YOU GONNA CHANGE YOUR NAME?

MAYBE.

WHERE YOU BEEN?

INVESTIGATING.

OH, WOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

I DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.

IT'S YOU. YOU'RE A LITTLE RIPE.

WELL, I'VE BEEN
THROUGH PETE'S GARBAGE.

YEAH? WHAT'D YOU FIND?

GARBAGE.

YOU GUYS, I'VE GOT SOMETHING...

OH WOW, DID SOMEONE DIE IN HERE?

TOOTIE WAS IN THE TRASH.

WEREN'T THERE ANY
LEAVES TO PLAY IN?

YOU GUYS, FOLLOW ME,

DERK AND I HAVE SOMETHING
BIG TO SHOW YOU, COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, NAT, BUT
THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

I'M IN A BAD MOOD,
AND TOOTIE SMELLS.

OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ABOUT WHAT?

THIS IS PETE'S DATA.

PETE'S DATA, WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

PETE HAS A COMPUTER.

AND DERK AND I BROKE THROUGH.

NATALIE, THAT'S
INVASION OF PRIVACY!

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING
THROUGH A GUY'S GARBAGE?

AT LEAST I DON'T NEED A SHOWER.

WHAT KIND OF
INFORMATION YOU GOT HERE?

OH, EVERYTHING, HIS
BOOKS, HIS ORDERS,

HERE'S HIS CROISSANT RECIPE.

OH, LOOK, HE
MISSPELLED "CROISSANT."

BUT, I'LL FIX THAT.

SEE, I JUST CORRECT THE WORD,

CONNECT TO PETE'S COMPUTER,

PRESS "DELETE" AND "SAVE"

AND ALL BETTER.

OH, THAT... YOU MEAN,
YOU CAN CHANGE

ANYTHING AROUND ON HIS
PROGRAM, JUST LIKE THAT?

SURE. WHY?

DO YOU MEAN THAT WE
COULD CHANGE NUMBERS

AND SCREW UP HIS
ORDERS AND HIS RECIPES?

PIECE OF CAKE.

YEAH, WE'LL SCREW UP HIS
CAKE, TOO! MOVE OVER, NAT.

JO, YOU'RE TAMPERING
WITH THIS COMPUTER!

THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW!

LOOK, IF THINGS KEEP GOING
THE WAY THEY'RE GOING,

MRS. G IS GONNA
BE OUT OF BUSINESS,

AND WE'RE GONNA BE
OUT ON THE STREETS.

AT LEAST NOW, WE GOT
THE WEAPON TO FIGHT BACK.

ALL RIGHT, DERK,
LET'S GET TO WORK.

WHAT DO WE DO, NAT?

OH, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, NAT.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT
MESSING UP PETE'S COMPUTER

COULD BE SO EASY.

OR SO ILLEGAL.

WILL YOU STOP WORRYING?

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE
ROBBING A BANK.

YES, WE ARE.

A COMPUTER BANK.

LOOK, I'M TRYING TO
CONCENTRATE HERE.

ALL RIGHT, WE PUT
SALT IN HIS SWEET ROLLS,

SUGAR IN HIS SAUERKRAUT...

NOW, LET'S TURN HIS
FUDGE INTO SLUDGE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU
PRESS "DELETE," RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

I WANT YOU TO
TEST MY FIRST BATCH

OF WISCONSIN CHEESE PUFFS.

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MM, VERY CHEESY.

VERY PUFFY.

VERY WISCONSINY.

VERY GOOD.

[GIGGLING]

WELL, UM, GO BACK AND
DO WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

UH, PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

WHICH ONE?

IT'S CALLED BAG LADY.

YOU ZOOM THROUGH THE
UNIVERSE COLLECTING STRING.

ALL RIGHT, NAT, SHOW ME
HOW TO GET PETE'S DATA BACK.

HA HA, I WANNA SABOTAGE
HIS POTATO SALAD.

UH, HOLD IT. SOMETHING'S WRONG.

JO, HOW'D YOU SHUT OFF DERK?

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST
STARTED PRESSING BUTTONS.

EVERYTHING ON HIS
DISK HAS DISAPPEARED.

YOU ERASED IT!

WELL, I WAS ALMOST
THROUGH ANYWAY.

JO, YOU ERASED IT FOR GOOD.

IF PETE TRIES TO CALL
ON ONE OF HIS RECIPES

HE'LL BE STARING
AT A BLANK SCREEN.

WELL, NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!

I READ IN NEWSWEEK
ABOUT SOME KIDS

WHO GOT IN PLENTY OF
TROUBLE FOR THIS KIND OF THING.

GREAT, MAYBE WE'LL MAKE
THE COVER OF "PRISON LIFE."

COME ON.

THANK YOU.

OH, THESE CHEESE
PUFFS ARE WONDERFUL!

I'LL TAKE A DOZEN..

OH, YOU WON'T BE SORRY.

SO, UH, YOU WOULDN'T
CALL THE RUSSELL WEDDING

A TOTAL SUCCESS?

IF I CALLED IT A TOTAL
FAILURE, I'D BE KIND.

OH! YEAH, I...

LITTLE SHELLY WAS
PRETTY ENOUGH, YOU KNOW,

BUT THE FOOD WAS THE PITS.

REALLY? MM, OH!

EDNA, I COULD HAVE MADE
A BETTER SPINACH SOUFFLE.

IT TASTED LIKE PETE MADE UP
THE RECIPE AS HE WENT ALONG.

[LAUGHING]

OH, I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

WELL, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

AND HAVE A NICE DAY!

[LAUGHING]

HI, MRS. GARRETT AND GIRLS.

HOW'S LIFE IN THE FOOD LANE?

[MRS. GARRETT] OFFICER ZIAUKUS!

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!

PLEASANT FOR ME, TOO, THIS IS
THE TASTIEST STOP ON MY BEAT.

NOW THAT YOU MENTION
IT, WHY NOT TASTE

ONE OF OUR FRESHLY
BAKED CHEESE PUFFS?

THAT'S WHY I
MENTIONED IT, THANKS.

MM. MM-HMM.

IT IS SO NICE TO HAVE OUR
NEIGHBORHOOD POLICE OFFICER

DROP BY ON A
PURELY SOCIAL VISIT.

[CHUCKLING] YEAH, I'LL
HAVE TO TRY THAT SOMETIME.

BUT, RIGHT NOW, I'M HERE

TO LAY THIS SILLY
SUMMONS ON YOU.

SUMMONS?

[OFFICER ZIAUKUS] AFRAID
SO, CHIEF WANTS YOU

TO COME DOWN TO THE STATION
AND DISCUSS SOME CHARGES

PETE DAWSON MADE AGAINST YOU.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?

I'VE GOTTA DEAL WITH THE CHIEF.

I DON'T CONDUCT INVESTIGATIONS,

AND HE DOESN'T SLEEP
IN MY PATROL CAR.

HE DID SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT COMPUTER TAMPERING.

COMPUTER TAMPERING?

YEAH. KNOWING YOU,

IT'S GOTTA BE A MISTAKE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING

THAT COULD GET
YOU TWO TO FIVE...

WOULD YOU?

OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S OUTRAGEOUS!

[CHUCKLES] YEAH,
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

YOU BE THERE IN AN HOUR, OKAY?

OH, PRIMO PUFFS.

[CHUCKLES]

MRS. GARRETT'S BEING ARRESTED.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

THIS WASN'T MY
IDEA. I'M INNOCENT.

AND I'M FAIRLY INNOCENT.

I JUST WANTED TO TAKE
A PEEK AT PETE'S DATA,

NOT TAMPER WITH IT.

YEAH, WELL, THE THREE OF YOU
BETTER START EXPLAINING FAST.

OH, LOOK, HE HAD IT COMING.

ALL I WANTED TO DO
WAS USE OUR COMPUTER

TO SCREW UP HIS
RECIPES A LITTLE.

THAT'S ALL YOU WANTED TO DO?

YEAH! I MEAN, WIPING
OUT HIS WHOLE PROGRAM

WAS AN ACCIDENT.

YOU WIPED OUT HIS PROGRAM?

MRS. GARRETT,

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I THINK WE'RE MORE

TO BE PITIED THAN
TO BE YELLED AT.

WHAT YOU DID WAS A CRIME!

I COULD BE WRONG.

WE ARE GOING
RIGHT TO PETE'S DELI

AND BEG HIM TO
DROP THOSE CHARGES.

I AM NOT GONNA BEG THAT SLEAZE!

I WOULD RATHER FACE THE JUDGE...

I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOU'D RATHER DO!

I'M IN CHARGE HERE!

GET YOUR COAT!

MARCH!

[GRUNTS]

YOU GONNA REALLY ENJOY OLD
PETE'S COLE SLAW, BUDDY BOY.

WELL, IT'S BEEN NAMED
THE OFFICIAL SIDE ORDER

OF THE 1984 OLYMPICS.

Y'ALL COME BACK
SOON, NOW, YOU HEAR?

WELL, NOW!

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU
TWO LOVELY SPECIMENS

OF FEMININE PULCHRITUDE?

[LAUGHING]

HELLO, MR. DAWSON.

I'M EDNA GARRETT
OF EDNA'S EDIBLES.

MY LAWYER WILL SPEAK
WITH YOUR LAWYER.

OUT OF MY STORE.
SHOO, NOW, SHOO!

YOU GOT IT. COME ON, MRS. G.

NO!

OH, PLEASE, MR. DAWSON,
GIVE US A CHANCE.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

JO HERE GOT CARRIED AWAY

WITH THE SPIRIT OF COMPETITION.

[CHUCKLES]

DIDN'T YOU, JO?

IT WASN'T COMPETITION.

IT WAS SELF DEFENSE!

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL IT.

YOU GONNA HAVE TO PAY THE PIPER!

NOW, SKEDADDLE!

OH, PLEASE, MR. DAWSON!

IF I HAD KNOWN ABOUT ANY OF THIS

I WOULD HAVE PUT A STOP TO IT.

BUT, NOW THAT I DO
KNOW, I ASSURE YOU

IT IS STOPPED!

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

THEN, WHY DON'T YOU
CALL OFF MATA HARI HERE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.

[LAUGHS]

BLAIR!

HI THERE.

BLAIR, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN THAT?

IT'S A DISGUISE!

I COULDN'T VERY
WELL SPY AS MYSELF.

I WILL SEE THE THREE OF YOU
DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION.

NOW, SCAT!

EXCUSE US, UM, ESPECIALLY HER.

OH-HEE, GREAT
DAY IN THE MORNING.

SOMETHING IS REALLY
CLEARING MY SINUSES.

WHEW! I'M PROUD TO SAY IT'S ME.

I MADE ONE LAST
PASS IN HIS GARBAGE,

AND IT REALLY PAID OFF!

WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT WERE
YOU DOING DOWN THERE?

THAT IS PRIVATE GARBAGE.

EXHIBIT A: MRS. GARRETT'S
SECRET CHEESE PUFF RECIPE.

I'VE ALSO GOT HER APPLE STRUDEL

AND HER PASTA SALAD HERE.

PRINTED OUT BY PETE'S COMPUTER.

HE'S BEEN USING HIS TO
BREAK INTO OURS FOR WEEKS.

SO, YOU'VE BEEN
STEALING MY RECIPES!

NO WONDER YOUR BUSINESS

[PLUGGING NOSE] IS BOOMING.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE

WHO'LL BE PAYING THE PIPER.

COME ON, LET'S GO
DOWN TO THE STATION...

NOW, JUST, LET'S... LET'S
JUST HOLD IT A MINUTE.

THERE'S NO NEED TO
INVOLVE THE POLICE.

[CHUCKLES]

I'D LIKE TO SETTLE
THIS, UH, AMICABLY.

[LAUGHING]

I RECKON YOU
WOULD, WOULDN'T YOU?

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT YOU

OVER THE CRACKER BARREL... NOW.

MRS. GARRETT, MRS. GARRETT,

PERHAPS I WAS A BIT OVERZEALOUS.

LET ME MAKE YOU A PROPOSAL.

I WILL NOT PRESS ANY CHARGES

IF YOU DON'T PRESS.

WELL... UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

I THINK IT'S A FAIR SOLUTION.

ANYTHING TO END THIS WAR.

WELL, THE WAR'S
NOT QUITE OVER YET.

YOU SEE, THE SOUTH
WILL RISE AGAIN.

I'M PLANNING ON
BRINGING OUT A NEW LINE

OF TENNESSEE CHEESE PUFFS.

WELL, YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU.

YEAH, WE COULD BE JUST
AS SLEAZY AS YOU ARE.

NO, WE CAN'T.

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
HE RUNS HIS BUSINESS,

BUT I GOTTA LIKE
THE WAY I RUN MINE.

BUT, WE GOTTA GET TOUGH.

I AM TOUGH!

DON'T WORRY, PEOPLE WILL
ALWAYS COME BACK FOR THE BEST.

AND WE GOT IT.

I'M GONNA RIP THROUGH YOUR BEST

LIKE SHERMAN RIPPED
THROUGH GEORGIA.

WELL, WE'LL SEE ABOUT
THAT. LET'S GO, GIRLS.

YOU'RE GONNA END UP
GIVING YOUR "CRAWSANTS"

AWAY TO THE BIRDS!

YOUR "CRAWSANTS"
ARE FOR THE BIRDS!

YOU'RE GETTING ME RILED, WOMAN!

TOUGH.

WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH
YOU, YOU AIN'T GONNA BE NOTHING

BUT A LITTLE GREASE
SPOT ON THE FLOOR.

OH, ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT YOUR COOKING AGAIN?

[GROANING]

I'M GONNA BURY YOU!

YOU BETTER BURY
YOUR COLE SLAW, DEAR.

[LAUGHS]

♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪

♪ AND ENJOY THE
FUN OF MANAGING ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT
CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE
WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪♪