The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 5, Episode 1 - Brave New World: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF
LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU ♪



♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

[LAUGHTER]

OH, BARRY, YOU HAVE
SUCH STRONG HANDS.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

THE BEST I'VE HAD
IS A PAIR OF DEUCES.

NO, I MEANT... [LAUGHING]

OH, BARRY, AREN'T
YOU THE DROLL ONE.

[LAUGHTER]



HOW MANY DO YOU WANT, BLAIR?

I THINK I HAVE ALL I
NEED, RIGHT, BOYS?

YOU SAID IT, BLAIR.

BLAIR, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YA.

NOT NOW, JO. I'M AHEAD.

JO!

BLAIR, I'M IN A LOT
OF TROUBLE HERE.

DON'T TELL ME... YOU PUNCHED
OUT THE DEAN OF WOMEN.

WOULD YOU STOP CLOWNING AROUND?

I'VE GOT A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE.

THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Boy: YEAH, YEAH.
KEEP YOUR BLOUSE ON!

[LAUGHING]

LOOK, THE JOB THE SCHOOL
PROMISED ME FELL THROUGH,

AND I CAN'T MAKE IT THROUGH
THE TERM WITHOUT IT.

THAT'S IT? MONEY AGAIN?

JO, I'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE.

WELL, YOU'RE HEARING IT AGAIN!

COME ON, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

NOW I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
MONEY TO PAY FOR THE DORM!

DON'T FOAM AT THE MOUTH, JO.

JUST TROT YOURSELF DOWN
TO THE STUDENT AID OFFICE

AND ASK FOR MORE MONEY.

I DID THAT. THE ONLY MONEY THEY
HAVE LEFT IS FOR HARDSHIP CASES.

PERFECT.

YOU'RE AS HARD UP
AS ANYONE I KNOW.

BLAIR, TO BE
CLASSIFIED A HARDSHIP,

YOUR PARENTS HAVE
TO BE... IMPOVERISHED.

WELL?

I'M NOT SAYING MY
PARENTS ARE IMPOVERISHED!

BUT THEY ARE. DEEPLY.

WELL, THEY WOULDN'T BE IF I
WASN'T AT THIS FANCY COLLEGE.

AND I'M NOT BEGGING
ANYBODY FOR MONEY.

I SUPPOSE IF I OFFERED TO WRITE
YOU A CHECK, YOU'D BREAK MY...

BOTH OF THEM. I DIDN'T OFFER.

HI, NEIGHBOR.

CAN I BORROW A CUP OF SHAMPOO?

OF COURSE. WITH
CONDITIONER OR WITHOUT?

SURPRISE ME.

SURPRISE!

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE COLLEGE,

AND YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT SOME GUY'S SPLIT ENDS!

JO, IF HE DOESN'T LOOK
GOOD, I DON'T LOOK GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL FIND
YOU SOMEPLACE CHEAPER TO LIVE,

BUT YOU MUSTN'T LET THESE
LITTLE THINGS UPSET YOU.

WE'RE IN COLLEGE NOW.

THESE ARE MY CAREFREE YEARS,

AND YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BLOW IT FOR ME.

OH, EXCUSE ME!

PLEASE, DON'T LET MY ANGUISH

INTERFERE WITH YOUR
COLLEGIATE EXPERIENCE.

JO, WAIT. I DIDN'T
MEAN IT THAT WAY.

LISTEN, WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER.

I ALMOST CONSIDER YOU MY FRIEND.

I'LL HELP YOU THINK
OF A WAY OUT OF THIS.

I ALWAYS DO, DON'T I?

NOW, LET'S TURN THAT
LITTLE FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN.

MRS. GARRETT AND THE
GIRLS WILL BE HERE SOON,

AND WE DON'T WANT TO LET
THEM KNOW ANYTHING'S WRONG.

HEY, YOU HAVE
ANYTHING FOR DRY HAIR?

OH...

THIS BRUNCH THAT MR. PARKER
HAS ASKED ME TO CATER

IS GIVING ME PROBLEMS.

I WANT TO DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

MAYBE I'LL MAKE
SOME RATATOUILLE.

OH, I KNOW IT HAS
EGGPLANT IN IT, RAYMOND,

BUT SOME PEOPLE
ACTUALLY LIKE EGGPLANT.

MRS. GARRETT, WHO
ARE YOU TALKING TO?

RAYMOND. WOW.

I GAVE UP MY IMAGINARY
FRIEND WHEN I WAS 9.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT, MRS. GARRETT?

[LAUGHING] NO.

I'M JUST TAPING A LETTER
TO MY SON RAYMOND.

HE CAN'T READ.

HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME
TO READ. HE'S A C.P.A.

GOTTA RUN NOW. KISSES TO DORIS.

AND DON'T FORGET
TO WRITE. MMMMMM!

LOVE, MOM.

10-4, GOOD BUDDY.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.

WELL, I WANT TO STOP
IN TOWN AND MAIL THIS

BEFORE WE GO TO
BLAIR AND JO'S. OH, GOOD.

'CAUSE I HAVE TO GET
ANOTHER ROLL OF FILM.

TOOTIE, I DON'T WANT US
TO LOOK LIKE TOURISTS.

YOU ARE NOT BRINGING THAT
CAMERA UP TO LANGLEY COLLEGE.

I AM, TOO!

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

IF NECESSARY.

COME ON, GIRLS, WE'LL
FIGHT ABOUT THIS IN THE CAR.

OH, EDNA, GOOD. I CAUGHT YOU.

YOU USUALLY DO, MR. PARKER.

ABOUT THAT BRUNCH FOR
THE ALUMNI PRESIDENT...

WE'RE CHANGING IT
FROM 11:00 IN THE MORNING

TO 8:00 AT NIGHT.

YOU'RE CHANGING MY
BRUNCH TO A DINNER?

NOW, HERE'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

MRS. VAN de CAMP JUST
GOT BACK FROM MOROCCO.

SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH COUSCOUS,

SO I SUGGEST A
MIDDLE EASTERN FEAST...

SOMETHING SUMPTUOUS,
SOMETHING EXOTIC.

HOW ABOUT A BELLY DANCER?

[CHUCKLES] DON'T I WISH.

SERIOUSLY, EDNA...

DON'T "BUT, SERIOUSLY" ME.

THIS DINNER IS IN TWO DAYS!

YOU'LL DO FINE... YOU'RE
ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

WHO MAKE STRESS WORK FOR YOU.

[GASPS]

AAAHHHHH!

[LAUGHING]

WELL, GIRLS, I GUESS YOU'LL
HAVE TO TAKE THE BUS TO LANGLEY.

GIVE JO AND BLAIR MY LOVE.

AND MY STRUDEL.

HOW CAN HE DO THAT TO YOU?

HOW? HE'S MY BOSS.

WHY DO YOU TAKE THAT FROM HIM?

WHY? HE'S MY BOSS.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
FORGET OUR PLANS,

STAY HERE, AND HELP YOU.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

OK.

AND DON'T WORRY... I'LL
TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES.

TOOTIE, WE ARE NOT GOING

ON A FIELD TRIP TO THE ZOO.

WE ARE ENTERING A NEW WORLD

OF HIGHER LEARNING,
INTELLECTUAL PURSUITS...

COED DORMS.

BE DISCREET.

WAY TO GO!

[CHEERING]

READ 'EM AND WEEP!

[LAUGHING]

I THINK THIS IS WHERE WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO MEET THEM.

OK. NOW, REMEMBER...
DON'T ACT YOUNG.

NATALIE, WE ARE YOUNG.

WELL, DON'T BE OBVIOUS ABOUT IT.

WELL, STAND BY
THE COFFEE MACHINE

SO I CAN TAKE YOUR PICTURE.

I TOLD YOU, NO MORE PICTURES!

IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU MADE ME POSE
ON THE LION OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY.

CAN WE DO SOMETHING
FOR YOU KIDS?

OH, NO, THANKS. WE'RE JUST
WAITING FOR OUR FRIENDS.

"KIDS." DID YOU
HEAR THAT? "KIDS."

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE IF IT
WASN'T FOR THAT STUPID CAMERA!

HEY, HELP YOURSELF
TO SOME COFFEE.

THANKS.

SORRY THERE'S NO MILK.

OH, THAT'S OK. I
TAKE MINE STRAIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE A CIGARETTE?

NO! I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

HAVE EITHER OF YOU
SEEN MY BASIC ANATOMY?

I'M ALWAYS LEAVING IT SOMEWHERE.

WELL, IF YOU GIRLS FIND IT,

JUST BRING IT TO ROOM 315.

NATALIE, COLLEGE IS JUST
WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE...

COFFEE, CIGARETTES, AND SEX.

HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

HI, NAT. HI, NAT.

DID YOU LOSE SOMETHING?

NAH. JUST THE
OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME.

WHERE'S MRS. GARRETT?

OH, UH, SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

MR. PARKER JUST CHANGED
HER BRUNCH TO A DINNER,

SO SHE'S UP TO HER
APRONS IN COOKBOOKS.

ABOUT THIS COED DORM OF YOURS.

EXACTLY HOW "CO" IS THE "ED"?

NATALIE, IT'S NOT
ALL FUN AND GAMES.

I HAVE TO GET UP
EVERY MORNING AT 5 A.M.

WHY? YOU SAID YOUR
FIRST CLASS WASN'T TILL 9:00.

[LAUGHING]

CONTRARY TO PUBLIC OPINION,

I DO NOT WAKE UP THIS BEAUTIFUL.

NOOOO!

I HAVE TO WASH MY
HAIR AND CONDITION IT,

AND SET IT, AND PUT ON MY FACE.

THAT WAY, AT 7:00, WHEN THE
HALLS START CRAWLING WITH MEN,

I'M PRESENTABLE ENOUGH
TO WALK INTO THE BATHROOM

AND BRUSH MY TEETH.

THE HALLS CRAWL WITH MEN?

NATALIE, DON'T DROOL.

COME ON, I'LL SHOW
YOU AROUND CAMPUS.

COULDN'T WE JUST
CRAWL THE HALLS A WHILE?

DO YOU BELIEVE
MR. PARKER, RAYMOND?

CHANGING EVERYTHING
AT THE LAST MINUTE.

HMM. HUMMUS!

SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU
PUT ON PLANTS TO MAKE 'EM GROW.

TASTES LIKE SOMETHING YOU
PUT ON PLANTS TO MAKE 'EM GROW.

EDNA, STOP THE GARLIC PRESSES!

I JUST TALKED TO
MRS. VAN de CAMP.

NOW SHE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT
HER UPCOMING TRIP TO CHINA.

HOW ARE YOU WITH A WOK?

A WOK? OH, PLEASE, MR. PARKER!

CHINESE FOOD MEANS DAYS OF
CHOPPING AND SLICING AND DICING!

WELL, EDNA, DON'T
GET TEMPERAMENTAL.

I'M NOT BEING TEMPERAMENTAL.

IT'S JUST YOU KEEP
CHANGING THINGS ON WHIMS.

YOU WOULDN'T TREAT A
PROFESSIONAL CATERER THIS WAY.

THAT'S TRUE, BUT YOU'RE
NOT A PROFESSIONAL CATERER.

WELL, NOW... NOW, LOOK, YOU DON'T
HAVE TIME TO STAND AROUND AND ARGUE.

YOU'D BETTER GET ON
THE STICK. CHOP CHOP!

DID YOU HEAR, RAYMOND?
OH, GOOD! YOU DID!

I KEPT YOU ON.

OH, RAYMOND, I'M SO TIRED

OF BEING AT THE MERCY
OF OTHER PEOPLE.

IF I COULD BE MY OWN
BOSS, I'D... I'D... I'D...

OH, I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR "IFs" NOW.

I'D BETTER GET TO THE LIBRARY
AND CHECK OUT THE JOY OF SOY.

WHO'S THERE?

IT'S ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WELL, AS OF TONIGHT, I
OFFICIALLY MOVED OUT OF MY DORM.

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA LIVE?

[LUGGAGE THUMPING]

YOU CAN'T LIVE IN MY ROOM!

NO, NO, NO, I CAN'T
LIVE IN MY ROOM.

BUT, SEE, THIS'LL BE PERFECT.

SEE, EVERY NIGHT AFTER
CURFEW, I'LL SNEAK IN THE WINDOW.

AND THEN, EVERY MORNING BEFORE
BREAKFAST, I'LL SNEAK OUT THE WINDOW.

YOU MEAN YOU'LL STOW AWAY
IN MY ROOM LIKE A RAT ON A SHIP?

SURE. NO ONE WILL KNOW I'M HERE.

I'LL KNOW!

THIS IS A SINGLE ROOM!

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH OXYGEN
IN HERE FOR TWO PEOPLE!

WE'LL GET A PLANT.

JO, IT'LL NEVER WORK.

IT'S AGAINST ALL THE RULES!

IF YOU GET CAUGHT,
YOU COULD BE EXPELLED.

NO. IF WE GET CAUGHT,
WE'LL BE EXPELLED.

THAT IS WHY WE HAVE
GOT TO BE VERY CAREFUL.

NIGHTY-NIGHT, ROOMIE.

THIS IS THE LANGLEY LIBRARY,

AND THOSE ARE THE
LIONS OUT IN FRONT.

UH-HUH.

THIS IS NATALIE
SITTING ON THE LION

IN FRONT OF THE LIBRARY.

Mrs. Garrett: UH-HUH.

AND THIS IS BLAIR AND JO

ON THE LION IN
FRONT OF THE LIBRARY.

NICE.

UH, DID YOU EVER GET
INSIDE THE LIBRARY?

YOU HAD TO BE
THERE, MRS. GARRETT.

IT WAS A LOT MORE FUN
THAN THE PICTURES SHOW.

YOU KNOW, NATALIE,

I'M GETTING A LITTLE
TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE.

THESE ARE MY PICTURES
TAKEN WITH MY CAMERA,

AND THEY MAKE ME VERY HAPPY.

BORING.

BORING.

WHAT AN INTERESTING
PICTURE OF A DOOR.

MMMM!

OH, AND WHAT AN INTERESTING
YOUNG MAN WEARING A TOWEL.

YOU GOT A PICTURE OF
THE GUY IN THE TOWEL?

BUT YOU DON'T WANT
TO SEE IT, NATALIE.

IT'S "BORING!"

NOW, THAT'S AN
IMPRESSIVE BUILDING.

ALL THAT IVY.

OH, LOOK. THE FOOTBALL FIELD!

NATALIE. NATALIE?

IS THAT YOU, PERCHED UP
THERE ON THE GOALPOST?

GUESS WHO... OH, UM, WELL...

I KNOW IT'S NOT
ONE OF THE GIRLS.

RAYMOND! RAYMOND!

MOM! RAYMOND!

OH!

MY SON RAYMOND!

OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

OH, THIS IS TOOTIE AND NATALIE.

NO. NO.

ACTUALLY, THIS IS
NATALIE AND TOOTIE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, RAYMOND?
NICE TO MEET YOU FINALLY.

OH, RAYMOND, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IS DORIS HERE, TOO?

NO, NO, NO, JUST ME.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE

YOU DIDN'T LOSE ANY FINGERS

CHOPPING BOK CHOY

FOR MR. PARKER'S
FEAST LAST WEEK.

YOU MEAN... YOU WERE SO WORRIED,

YOU TOOK THE DAY OFF

AND CAME ALL THE WAY
FROM MASSACHUSETTS

TO SEE YOUR MOTHER?

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN
HERE FOR TWO DAYS.

YOU MEAN, YOU'VE
BEEN HERE TWO DAYS,

AND YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN YOUR MOTHER?

I'VE BEEN WORKING NIGHT AND
DAY ON A BUSINESS DEAL HERE,

AND NOW THAT I'M
ABOUT TO CLOSE IT,

I WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT
TO LUNCH TO CELEBRATE.

OH, THAT'S MY BOY!

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, LISTEN, WE'VE
GOT TO GET GOING, OK?

WE'RE GONNA MEET BLAIR
AND JO IN TOWN FOR LUNCH.

WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT.

OH, THANKS. YOU WANT TO JOIN US?

WE'RE GOING TO A NICE PLACE...

BURGERS-ON-A-STICK.

HOME OF THE SECRET MEAT.

THANKS, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE
MOM TO A NEW PLACE IN TOWN.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN
US FOR DESSERT?

I'LL GIVE YOU THE ADDRESS
IN THE CAR. OK. THANKS.

MOM, DID I TELL YOU,
THIS PLACE HAS GOT

THE BEST APPLE
STRUDEL IN THE WORLD.

BETTER THAN MINE?

YOU'LL HAVE TO JUDGE
THAT FOR YOURSELF.

MM. HMM.

[INHALING] OH!

[LAUGHTER]

RAYMOND, I'M
GETTING VERY HUNGRY,

AND I DON'T THINK I WANT TO
EAT ANYTHING THEY HAVE HERE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THE
KEYS TO THIS PLACE, AND WHY?

MOM, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN?

YOU NEVER GIVE ME NEWS
I HAVE TO SIT DOWN FOR.

THAT'S YOUR
BROTHER'S DEPARTMENT.

MOM, THIS IS GOOD NEWS.
ACTUALLY, GREAT NEWS.

BRACE YOURSELF.

MOM... ALL THIS IS YOURS!

ALL WHAT?

THIS STORE AND EVERYTHING IN IT.

IT USED TO BE AN
ARMENIAN DELI THAT FAILED,

AND NOW IT'S YOURS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I TALKING ABOUT YOU OPENING UP
YOUR OWN GOURMET FOOD SHOP.

MY OWN FOOD SHOP?

WELL, FOR STARTERS,
BUT EVENTUALLY, I SEE IT

AS THE BASE OF OPERATIONS
FOR YOUR CATERING BUSINESS.

CATERING BUSINESS?
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

FROM YOU... YOU'VE BEEN
DREAMING ABOUT IT FOR YEARS.

WELL, DREAMING, YES, BUT...

NO, MOM. MOM, PICTURE IT.

EXOTIC CHEESE, QUICHE,

PASTA SALAD, ROAST SUCKLING PIG!

RAYMOND! ALL RIGHT.
FORGET THE PIG.

THE POINT IS, I'VE
ARRANGED TO BUY THIS STORE

AND GIVE IT TO YOU.

UM... THIS IS ALL VERY SUDDEN,

AND YOU'RE NOT A
VERY SUDDEN PERSON.

MOTHER, JUST BECAUSE
I'M AN ACCOUNTANT

AND DEPENDABLE AND BRUSH
MY TEETH THREE TIMES A DAY

DOES NOT MEAN I
LACK IMAGINATION.

I KNOW THAT.

IT TAKES IMAGINATION
TO SEE POTENTIAL

IN INVESTMENTS AND IN PEOPLE.

AND I'D PUT MY MONEY
ON YOU ANY DAY.

RAYMOND...

THIS MEANS MORE TO ME
THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

BUT THERE'S NO WAY
I CAN RUN A STORE

AND WORK AT EASTLAND.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

THE FIRST THING YOU
DO IS QUIT EASTLAND.

I CAN'T DO THAT!
I LOVE IT THERE!

AND WHAT ABOUT MY GIRLS?

I HAVE MY PENSION
PLAN, MY DENTAL PLAN.

I HAVE EVERY SUMMER OFF!

WHY SHOULD I LEAVE EASTLAND?

YOU TELL ME.

[RECORDING] DID YOU
HEAR THAT, RAYMOND?

OH, GOOD! YOU
DID! I LEFT YOU ON.

OH, RAYMOND, I'M SO TIRED

OF BEING AT THE MERCY
OF OTHER PEOPLE.

IF I WERE MY OWN
BOSS, I'D... I'D...

[COUGHING]

THIS PLACE HAS GOT TO BE ONE
OF PEEKSKILL'S BEST KEPT SECRETS.

RAYMOND, IS THIS YOUR SUBTLE WAY
OF TELLING US WE DON'T NEED DESSERT?

COME ON IN. YOU
MUST BE BLAIR AND JO.

HOW ARE YOU DOING,
RAY? HOW ARE YOU DOING?

SO NICE TO MEET YOU. WE'VE
HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

I FEEL LIKE ALL YOU GIRLS
ARE PART OF MY FAMILY.

IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH YOUR FOOT?

OH, NO, SHE JUST TWISTED IT.

ACTUALLY, I WOKE UP
LAST NIGHT AND TRIPPED

OVER A PILE OF JUNK LYING
IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FLOOR.

MOM.

WHA... WHAT?

AREN'T YOU GONNA TELL
THE GIRLS THE GOOD NEWS?

WHAT GOOD NEWS?

WELL, UH... YOU SEE, UH...

FOR A LONG TIME
NOW, I'VE DREAMED OF...

WELL... THIS STORE. IT'S HERS!

MOM IS GONNA OPEN HER
OWN GOURMET FOOD SHOP!

[EXCITED CHATTER]

AND SHE'S GONNA START
A CATERING SERVICE!

[EXCITED CHATTER]

AND SHE'S LEAVING EASTLAND!

UH-UH.

WAIT A MINUTE, GIRLS.

IT'S STILL JUST IN
THE TALKING STAGE.

WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO. WHY?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M READY FOR THIS...

TO GO INTO BUSINESS FOR MYSELF,

TAKE ON ALL THAT RESPONSIBILITY.

LEAVE US.

NATALIE, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

SHE'S GOT TO LEAVE
EASTLAND SOMETIME.

AND IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN?

AFTER I GRADUATE.

EXCUSE ME. AFTER I GRADUATE.

MRS. GARRETT, THERE
ARE LOTS OF RISKS

INVOLVED IN THIS
KIND OF VENTURE.

YOU'RE RIGHT... I
MEAN, AFTER ALL,

MANY HOW QUICHE EATERS
CAN THERE BE IN PEEKSKILL?

QUICHE EATERS
ARE MADE, NOT BORN.

MOM, YOU'VE ALREADY MADE
A NAME FOR YOURSELF HERE.

EDNA GARRETT STRUDEL AND
PEEKSKILL ARE PRACTICALLY SYNONYMOUS.

THAT'S TRUE.

SAY, RAY, WHO OWNS THIS PLACE?

I DO... UH, I WILL.

YOU SEE, I HAVE SOME BUSINESS
PROPERTY I WANT TO SELL.

UH, THIS IS KIND OF COMPLICATED.

OH, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

HE'S SETTING UP A
THREE-CORNERED EXCHANGE.

THE MAN WHO WANTS TO BUY RAYMOND'S
BUILDING WILL BUY THIS ONE INSTEAD,

AND THEN THEY'LL SWAP... THAT WAY,
NO ONE HAS TO PAY CAPITAL GAINS TAXES.

IS THAT LEGAL?

MY FATHER DOES IT ALL THE TIME.

YEAH, BUT IS IT LEGAL?

OH, YEAH, PERFECTLY.

YOU MEAN, YOU JUST TRADE
BUILDINGS, LIKE BASEBALL CARDS?

YEAH. UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

RAYMOND, SOMEBODY
OWES SOMEBODY MONEY,

AND I THINK IT'S ME OWING YOU.

NOW, IF I WERE TO DO THIS...
AND I'M NOT SAYING I WILL...

BUT IF I WERE, HOW
WOULD I PAY YOU BACK?

YOU PAY ME RENT, MOM, AT A
FAIR BUT COMPETITIVE RATE.

MRS. GARRETT, DO
YOU REALLY WANT TO

TRADE A MONTHLY PAYCHECK
FOR A MONTHLY PAYMENT?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING, NATALIE,

BUT PAYMENTS WOULD
MEAN IT WOULD BELONG TO ME.

BUT IS IT SMART TO
START A NEW BUSINESS

AT YOUR STAGE OF LIFE?

I MEAN, TO LAUNCH A SHIP

WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT
TO CLOSE THE HARBOR?

WELL, RETIREMENT IS
JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

AROUND THE CORNER, MY FOOT.

IT'S ACROSS TOWN AND
INTO THE NEXT COUNTY.

GOOD ANSWER, GOOD ANSWER.

THE REAL QUESTION IS,

DOES PEEKSKILL NEED
ANOTHER RESTAURANT? YEAH.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'LL
BE MORE LIKE TAKEOUT.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD USE THIS
WHOLE COUNTER FOR DISPLAY

AND PUT IN A WORK
AREA BEHIND IT.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS
AROUND HERE I COULD MAKE WORK FOR ME.

THAT... THAT THING OVER THERE
WOULD MAKE A PERFECT SHOWCASE.

AND CURTAINS, OF COURSE, ARE
GONNA MAKE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE.

MOM, IS THAT A "YES"?

YES. [LAUGHING]

I'M GONNA GO FOR IT.

RAYMOND... GIRLS... I, UH...

I'M LEAVING EASTLAND

AND GOING INTO
BUSINESS... FOR MYSELF!

[LAUGHING]

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

THAT'S WONDERFUL!

WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

WELL, I'VE GOT TO BE
OUT OF HERE BY 6:30,

BEFORE MISS AAMES STARTS
PATROLLING THE HALLS.

I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THIS MORNING.

I MEAN, WHEN, IN THE
NEXT FOUR YEARS,

ARE YOU LEAVING MY ROOM?

IT'S GOT TO BE BEFORE
THE FIRST SNOWFALL.

ONCE I MOVE IN MY WINTER COATS,

THERE WON'T EVEN BE
ENOUGH ROOM FOR ME!

BLAIR, I HATE THIS JUST
AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T!

LOOK, I CAN'T FIND
ANOTHER PLACE TO LIVE

UNTIL I CAN FIND A
JOB TO PAY FOR IT.

WELL, WE CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS.

YOUR THINGS ARE
ALL OVER THE PLACE!

WELL, SO ARE YOURS!

YES, BUT IT'S MY PLACE!

YOU THROW YOUR
THINGS EVERYWHERE.

YESTERDAY, I ALMOST PUT ON MY
EYE SHADOW WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.

I HAVE TO PUT MY
STUFF SOMEWHERE.

FINE, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE KEEP
YOUR TOOLS OUT OF MY DRAWERS?

MY CASHMERES ARE BEGINNING
TO SMELL LIKE PENNZOIL.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT THIS.

I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

LISTEN, WHEN YOU
COME BACK TONIGHT,

WILL YOU COME
BACK AFTER MIDNIGHT?

I HAVE A STUDY DATE.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
TO STUDY AROUND ME.

11:00 COMES, I'M ON THE
FLOOR AND IN THE BAG.

BUT, JO... NO BUTS!

IF I DON'T GET MY EIGHT
HOURS, I GET CRANKY!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

BLAIR.

IT'S MISS AAMES!

BLAIR, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU NOW.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

GO AHEAD, JUMP.

I CAN'T JUMP.

I'LL BE SPLATTERED
ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK.

GOOD... SHE WON'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

BLAIR, I'M COMING IN.

GET DOWN!

OW!

GOOD MORNING!

FOR SOME PEOPLE.

BUT YOU HAVE BROKEN
A VERY IMPORTANT RULE.

THERE'S AN EXPLANATION.
NOT FOR THIS.

ON PAGE 12 OF YOUR
DORM HANDBOOK,

UNDER THE SUBHEADING
"WASHROOM ETIQUETTE,"

"HANGING OF PERSONAL GARMENTS

IN THE SHOWER OR SHOWER
AREA IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED."

OH! MY PANTYHOSE?

FIVE PAIR,

DRIPPING THOUGHTLESSLY
INTO THE STALL.

I WILL TAKE THEM DOWN RIGHT NOW,

AND I'LL NEVER
PUT THEM UP AGAIN.

IS THAT A PROMISE?
DO YOU PROMISE?

GIRL SCOUT'S HONOR.

I'M GLAD WE HAD
THIS LITTLE TALK.

YOU GOT ENOUGH CHIFFON
IN THERE TO CHOKE A HORSE!

JUST GET OUT OF HERE. GO! GO!

OH, GOOD.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE
SURE YOU'RE STILL HERE.

I'M STILL HERE.

SO I SEE.

BUT FOR HOW LONG?

I KNEW I'D FIND YOU IN HERE.

WILL YOU LEAVE THIS
POOR WOMAN ALONE?

BUT I HAD THIS NIGHTMARE.

I DREAMED THAT MRS. GARRETT
PUT ON HER TRACK SHOES,

GRABBED HER MENU BOARD,
AND RAN OFF, INTO THE NIGHT.

NATALIE, I'M ONLY GONNA
BE 10 MINUTES AWAY,

IN DOWNTOWN PEEKSKILL, AND I
DON'T EVEN OWN TRACK SHOES.

WILL YOU STAY IF I GET YOU SOME?

EXCUSE HER, MRS. GARRETT.

SHE HAS TROUBLE
DEALING WITH REALITY.

NOW, LOOK... WE STATED OUR CASE,

PRESENTED OUR ARGUMENTS,

THE VERDICT CAME
BACK, AND WE LOST.

WELL, I'M APPEALING!
NOT WHEN YOU WHINE.

MRS. GARRETT, WHAT
HAPPENS IF I MESS UP MY S.A.T.s?

NATALIE, YOU ALWAYS
DO WELL ON YOUR TESTS.

BUT WHAT IF I DON'T,

AND WHAT IF I DON'T GET INTO
THE COLLEGE OF MY CHOICE,

AND WHAT IF THE
GUY I'M CRAZY ABOUT

DOESN'T ASK ME TO
HIS SENIOR PROM?

AND WHAT IF... NATALIE!

NONE OF THAT HAS HAPPENED YET!

BUT IT WILL, AND YOU WON'T
BE HERE TO GIVE ME ADVICE,

AND THEN WHAT DO I DO?

NATALIE, STOP IT!

YOU'VE BEEN HARASSING
HER FOR DAYS,

BEGGING HER TO STAY,

LEAVING LITTLE NOTES EVERYWHERE,

ON HER MIRROR, ON HER PILLOW.

HM. YESTERDAY AT BREAKFAST,
I GOT A FORTUNE GRAPEFRUIT.

IT SAID, "NEW BUSINESS
VENTURE DOOMED TO FAIL."

OH...

LOOK, NATALIE, IF
YOU WANT TO SULK,

THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE WITH US.

BUT DO IT SOMEPLACE ELSE.

OK.

OH, THAT CHILD.

SO... HAVE YOU TOLD
MR. PARKER YOU'RE LEAVING?

I'VE WRITTEN MY
LETTER OF RESIGNATION...

12 TIMES.

I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND
THE RIGHT WORDS.

HOW ABOUT THESE?

"DEAR MR. PARKER...
KISS OFF!" OH!

"KISS OFF"? OH, TOOTIE!

OH, COME ON!

YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA FEEL
GREAT WHEN YOU TELL HIM

WHAT HE CAN DO WITH
HIS NEXT ALUMNI BANQUET.

WELL, TOOTIE, I'M NOT LEAVING
EASTLAND TO GET AWAY FROM MR. PARKER.

OPENING MY OWN SHOP IS
SOMETHING I'M DOING FOR ME.

BUT HE TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED.

HE CHANGES THINGS
AT THE LAST MINUTE,

AND HE'S ALWAYS TREATING
YOU LIKE YOU'RE AN AMATEUR.

NOW, ISN'T THAT WORTH
A GOOD "KISS OFF"?

TOOTIE, HE DOESN'T
MEAN TO BE INSENSITIVE.

IT'S JUST HIS WAY.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WELL, EDNA, ARE YOU
PLANNING TO WORK TODAY,

OR SHOULD THE STUDENTS FAST?

MR. PARKER!

IT'S JUST HIS WAY.

SORRY TO BARGE IN,
BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.

IT'S ABOUT NEXT WEEK'S LUNCHEON FOR
THE PRIVATE SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
ABOUT A LUNCHEON. I DIDN'T?

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOW, LOOK, WE HAVE TO
START PLANNING THIS THING.

UH, MR. PARKER. UH,
COULD I GET DRESSED FIRST?

WHY? YOU WON'T THINK ANY
BETTER WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON.

NOW, EDNA, I DON'T WANT
YOU LEAVING THAT MENU

UP IN THE AIR UNTIL THE LAST
MINUTE LIKE YOU USUALLY DO.

[CHUCKLES] YOU'RE RIGHT.

PROCRASTINATION HAS
ALWAYS BEEN MY FATAL FLAW.

NOW, HERE'S WHAT
I HAD IN MIND...

SOMETHING SIMPLE,
SOMETHING STRAIGHTFORWARD

LIKE ROCK CORNISH HENS.

LOOK, WE HAVE TO
TALK. YES, WE DO!

NOW, I DIDN'T WANT
TO TELL YOU THIS...

I WANTED TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS,

BUT MRS. VAN de CAMP
WAS DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED

IN YOUR MOO GOO GAI PAN.

OH? DON'T TELL ME.

SHE WOULD'VE PREFERRED A
LIGHTER MEAL, LIKE A BRUNCH?

EXACTLY. WHY DIDN'T YOU
THINK OF THAT BEFORE?

BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF
GAL I AM, MR. PARKER. WHIMSICAL.

ALWAYS CHANGING
BRUNCHES TO DINNERS.

I'M JUST A FRIVOLOUS,
UNDEPENDABLE AIR-BRAIN.

WELL, I WOULDN'T
CALL YOU AN AIR-BRAIN.

OH, WOULDN'T YOU?

A LITTLE UNPROFESSIONAL,
MAYBE, BUT...

OH, THAT'S IT, CHARLIE.

I... YOU... AND ANOTHER THING...

AND YOU CAN JUST...
JUST... KISS OFF!

WOW, EINSTEIN WAS SO RIGHT!

I MEAN, I KNEW THE
UNIVERSE WAS ENDLESS,

BUT I NEVER KNEW
IT WAS THAT ENDLESS.

YES.

THE UNIVERSE JUST KEEPS
EXPANDING AND EXPANDING.

LIKE MY WARDROBE.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

INTERESTING METAPHOR.

THANK YOU, GUY.

YOU KNOW, BEHIND THAT
CUTE LITTLE FACE OF YOURS

IS A CUTE LITTLE BRAIN.

[LAUGHING]

THANKS.

ARE YOU EXPECTING VISITORS?

HI, GUY. BYE, GUY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, NOTHING. JUST SIT DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S 11:00... HE'S
HITTING THE ROAD

AND I'M HITTING THE FLOOR.

I GUESS I'D BETTER GO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE.

BUT SHE'S GOING TO SLEEP.

STAY OUT OF THIS AND SIT DOWN.

JO, I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN.

WELL, WOULD YOU
PUT IT DOWN QUIETLY?

I'D LIKE TO GET SOME SLEEP.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHY
DOES SHE SLEEP HERE?

I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF THIS.

BUT I THOUGHT THIS
WAS YOUR ROOM. IT IS.

SO, WHY IS SHE SLEEPING HERE?

THE UNIVERSE IS EXPANDING, OK?

NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM.

NIGHT, GUY.

SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

WANT TO GET THAT LIGHT?

I HAVE HAD IT UP
TO HERE WITH YOU.

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A BREAK?

I'D LIKE TO GET SOME SLEEP.

THEN GO SLEEP SOMEWHERE ELSE.

AND JUST WHERE WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO GO? I DON'T CARE!

SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH!
ALL RIGHT, FINE, I WILL!

YOU KNOW, I MET BAG LADIES

THAT SHARE MORE THAN YOU DO.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] WHAT'S
GOING ON IN THERE?

IT'S MISS AAMES!

I'M COMING IN.

OW, OW!

WHAT'S ALL THE SHOUTING ABOUT?

[MUMBLES GIBBERISH]

JO POLNIACZEK.

YOU REMEMBERED!

SOMETHING'S GOING ON IN HERE.

UH... NOT REALLY.

YOU'RE LIVING HERE.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

NOT REALLY.

I DIDN'T BUY THAT
ANSWER THE FIRST TIME.

FORGET IT, BLAIR. UH,
LOOK, I WAS BROKE.

I HAD NO PLACE ELSE TO GO.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

ARE YOU GONNA REPORT US?

NATURALLY, BUT I DON'T
DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

THAT'S UP TO THE DEAN.

OF COURSE, THE LAST
TIME THIS HAPPENED,

BOTH GIRLS WERE EXPELLED.

SLEEP WELL.

OH, GOOD. YOU'RE HERE.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU
GIRLS GIVING ME A HAND.

YEAH, YEAH.

OH, AND I INSIST ON PAYING YOU.

WHO CARES ABOUT MONEY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, TOOTIE?

MRS. GARRETT, I DON'T
THINK YOU UNDERSTAND

THE RAMIFICATIONS
OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE,

RUNNING OFF NILLY-WILLY
TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE!

OH, I'M SURE SOMEBODY TERRIFIC

WILL TAKE MY PLACE AT EASTLAND.

NOBODY'S GONNA TAKE YOUR PLACE.

WELL, THAT'S SWEET
OF YOU TO SAY, BUT...

I MEAN, NOBODY'S
GONNA TAKE YOUR PLACE!

THERE WON'T BE A
NEW SCHOOL DIETITIAN.

MR. PARKER HAS HIRED
SOME INSTITUTIONAL CATERER

TO TRUCK IN VATS
OF FOOD EVERY DAY.

WE'RE THEIR THIRD STOP,

RIGHT AFTER THE WORK
FARM AND THE ORPHANAGE.

OH. WELL...

I'LL BET THEY MAKE
TERRIFIC GRUEL.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST THING.

THE WORST THING IS US NOT
LIVING TOGETHER ANYMORE.

IT'S GONNA BE
UNBEARABLE. I KNOW.

I'M GONNA MISS SHARING
THE BATHROOM WITH YOU, TOO.

NOT US! US! THEY SPLIT US UP.

SINCE YOU'RE LEAVING,
WE HAVE TO LIVE

IN THE DORMS LIKE
NORMAL STUDENTS.

NAT'S ALL THE WAY UP BY
THE WILLOW GROVE IN DORM "A,"

AND I'M DOWN BY
THE LAKE IN DORM "C."

IF WE WANT TO
TALK TO EACH OTHER,

WE'LL NEED TWO DIXIE
RIDDLE CUPS AND A STRING.

GIRLS, I HAD NO IDEA
THEY'D SPLIT YOU TWO UP.

NEITHER DID I, OR I
WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN

SUCH A GOOD SPORT
ABOUT YOUR LEAVING.

THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS.

COME ON, NATALIE.

YOU KNOW WHO THEY GOT
ME ROOMING WITH? GEORGETTE!

NO ONE'S EVER HAD TO
ROOM WITH GEORGETTE.

IT'S A SCHOOL RULE OR SOMETHING.

THEY STUCK POOR TOOTIE
WITH VALERIE JOHNSON.

VALERIE JOHNSON?

ISN'T SHE THE ONE
WHO EATS PAPER?

SHE IS SO GROSS.

SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.

NOT IF YOU LIKE PAPER.

OH, LOOK. THERE'S MR. PARKER.

YOO-HOO!

OH! [LAUGHING]

MAY I COME IN?

OF COURSE, MR. PARKER.

WELCOME. WELCOME
TO EDNA'S EDIBLES!

WELL... WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S A MESS.

AND I LIKE IT.

OH, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

IT HAS POTENTIAL...
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

UH, EDNA, I'VE COME HERE TO
BEG YOU NOT TO LEAVE EASTLAND.

YOU HAVE?

YOU HAVE?

YOU HEARD!

I'VE BEEN HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS

ABOUT THE FOOD
SERVICES PLANS I'VE MADE

WITH THE RABBIT
EXPRESS CATERERS.

OH? RABBIT EXPRESS?

YOU'VE SEEN THEIR AD
IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

"EVERY VAT A WORK OF ART."

EDNA, DON'T YOU
THINK MY GIRLS...

OUR GIRLS... HAVE BECOME
ACCUSTOMED TO SOMETHING

A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL?

WELL, PERHAPS YOU COULD
FIND A BETTER REPLACEMENT.

REPLACEMENT?

WELL, A SUBSTITUTE, MAYBE,
BUT A REPLACEMENT, NEVER.

SPOKEN FROM THE HEART.

WELL, WHO ELSE WOULD
TAKE THE TIME AND THE CARE

TO GIVE OUR GIRLS ALL
THOSE FRESH VEGGIES?

AND ADVICE.

REAL MASHED POTATOES.

AND ADVICE.

HOMEMADE APPLE STRUDEL.

AND ADVICE!

AND ALL THAT GOOD ADVICE.

IT'S NICE TO KNOW I
WAS APPRECIATED.

APPRECIATED? YOU
WERE WORSHIPPED!

EDNA, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO DO.

I... I'M HERE ON MY KNEES
WITH MY HAT IN MY HAND.

[GIRLS CLEAR THROATS]

GIRLS, IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

OH, MR. PARKER.

I APPRECIATE THE FACT
THAT YOU WERE WILLING

TO HUMILIATE YOURSELF
IN FRONT OF ME,

BUT MY MIND'S MADE UP.

BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE EASTLAND.

THE ENTIRE SCHOOL WOULD
COLLAPSE WITHOUT YOU!

THE SCHOOL SPIRIT
WOULD NOSEDIVE!

THE MORAL FIBER WOULD UNRAVEL!

CHARLES.

I'LL STILL CATER
YOUR WIFE'S PARTIES.

YOU WILL?

AND YOUR ANNIVERSARIES,
AND THE ALUMNI DINNERS

THAT HAVE MADE YOU THE DARLING
OF THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

PROMISE?

OF COURSE... FOR A PRICE.

YOU... YOU... YOU MEAN
I HAVE TO PAY YOU?

YES, CHARLES.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I
WASN'T A PROFESSIONAL CATERER?

WELL... NOW I AM.

YES, I GUESS YOU ARE.

AND YOU'LL BE A
DARN GOOD ONE, TOO.

WELL, GOOD LUCK, EDNA.

THANKS, CHARLES.

YOU'LL ALWAYS
HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE

IN MY CUSTOMER FILE.

AT A SPECIAL RATE?

A SPECIAL RATE. [LAUGHING]

UH, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
REAL MASHED POTATOES

AND THE HOMEMADE ADVICE?

THAT'S HISTORY.

EDNA, I THINK OUR RELATIONSHIP
HAS REACHED A NEW PLATEAU.

WELL, YAHOO.

OH, HI, GIRLS. HI.

HOW'S COLLEGE? TERRIBLE.

IT'LL GET BETTER.

WELL, GOT TO GO.

SORRY WE'RE LATE,

BUT WE HAD A VERY
CONSTRUCTIVE MEETING

WITH THE DEAN OF STUDENTS.

CONSTRUCTIVE, MY
FOOT! I'M LEAVING.

YOU JUST GOT HERE.

NO, I'M LEAVING LANGLEY.
I'M LEAVING PEEKSKILL.

I'M GOING BACK TO THE BRONX
WHERE I CAN BE POOR IN PEACE.

THERE YOU GO,
BEING NEGATIVE AGAIN.

JO, WHAT'S GOING ON?

HER PART-TIME JOB FELL THROUGH,

AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH
MONEY TO PAY FOR THE DORM.

SO YOU MOVED OUT?

NOT EXACTLY.

SHE'S BEEN SNEAKING
BACK IN MY ROOM AT NIGHT

AND SLEEPING ON MY FLOOR.

JO, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.

IT WASN'T SOMETHING I
WANTED GENERALLY KNOWN.

ANYWAY, LAST NIGHT,
WE GOT CAUGHT.

JO, HOW COULD YOU?
YOU NEVER GET CAUGHT.

THERE'S ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.

ANYWAY, WE JUST GOT BACK
FROM THE DEAN'S OFFICE.

OH, NO. HE KICKED
YOU OUT OF SCHOOL?

NO.

WELL, HE WAS A BIT MIFFED.

MIFFED? BLAIR, THE
MAN TURNED PURPLE!

ONLY FOR A SPLIT SECOND.

ANYWAY, HE SAID HE
UNDERSTOOD JO'S PLIGHT,

WAS VERY SYMPATHETIC,
AND PUT HER ON PROBATION!

YOU BELIEVE IT?

I'M BROKE, I GOT
NO PLACE TO LIVE,

I CAN'T FIND A JOB,
I'M ON PROBATION...

WHAT DO I NEED COLLEGE FOR?

I CAN GET ALL THAT IN
MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD.

JO, HOLD ON TO YOUR HORSES.

NOW, YOU NEED A PART-TIME
JOB AND A PLACE TO LIVE, RIGHT?

WELL, I HAPPEN TO KNOW
SOMEONE WHO HAS AN APARTMENT

WITH AN EXTRA ROOM...
RIGHT UPSTAIRS...

AND IT'S YOURS.

Blair: PERFECT!

YOU CAN LIVE WITH MRS.
GARRETT AND STAY IN SCHOOL!

NOW YOU HOLD YOUR HORSES.

MRS. G, I'M NOT
SPONGING OFF YOU.

OH, I'LL SAY YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'LL BE SPONGING
OFF THE COUNTERS

AND THE FLOORS AND THE WINDOWS!

IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT MORE
ELBOW GREASE THAN I GOT

TO WHIP THIS PLACE INTO SHAPE.

HEY! GREASE IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME.

IS THIS ON THE LEVEL? [LAUGHING]

ARE YOU KIDDING? JUST
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

IT'S GOT TO BE SCRUBBED,
IT'S GOT TO BE PAINTED.

RIGHT.

IT'S GOT TO BE SET UP AND
IT'S GOT TO BE STOCKED.

RIGHT. AND THAT'S
JUST BEFORE IT OPENS.

SHE CAN'T RUN THIS
PLACE BY HERSELF.

SHE CAN'T COOK AND
WAIT ON CUSTOMERS

AND MAKE DELIVERIES, AND...

OH, DEAR, WHAT HAVE
I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

I CAN'T HANDLE
ALL OF THIS ALONE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

TAKE IT EASY, MRS. G. WE'LL
FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

I GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T I MOVE IN?

[LAUGHTER]

OH, JO...

I PROMISE I'LL WORK
YOU TILL YOU DROP.

THANKS. OK.

MRS. GARRETT...

YOU ARE TRULY A SPECIAL PERSON.

ISN'T SHE, NATALIE?

YEAH.

I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING
TO GIVE A PERSON A JOB,

BUT IT'S ANOTHER TO TAKE
THEM IN UNDER YOUR OWN ROOF.

YEAH!

I THINK IT'S JUST WONDERFUL
THAT YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR JO.

OH, IT'S NO BIG THING, NATALIE.

THEN WILL YOU DO IT
FOR ME AND TOOTIE, TOO?

WHAT?

THAT WAY, WE WOULDN'T HAVE
TO LIVE IN SEPARATE DORMS.

IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES!

AND THERE'S SO MUCH
WORK TO DO AROUND HERE!

IT'S GOT TO BE SCRUBBED
AND PAINTED AND...

YOU KNOW, THEY'VE
GOT A POINT, MRS. G.

OH, GIRLS...

I'D LOVE TO HAVE
YOU HERE WITH ME.

IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!

BUT WILL MR. PARKER
LET US LIVE OFF CAMPUS?

MARY JANE RHEINGOLD DOES.

SHE LIVES WITH HER GRANDMOTHER.

HEY, I'D BE ALMOST BETTER
THAN A GRANDMOTHER.

I WON'T SPOIL YOU. [LAUGHING]

DON'T WORRY, GIRLS.
I'LL TALK TO MR. PARKER.

AFTER ALL, OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS ON A NEW PLATEAU.

ALL RIGHT!

WHOO!

BUT...

I KNEW THERE'D BE A BUT.

YOUR PARENTS HAVE TO APPROVE IT.

MRS. GARRETT, COULD
YOU SAY "NO" TO THIS FACE?

OF COURSE YOU COULDN'T.

THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA HAVE
HER ASK MY PARENTS, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

[SQUEALING]

ALL RIGHT! THIS IS GREAT!

ALL OF US LIVING TOGETHER AGAIN!

WELL, NOT ALL OF US.

BLAIR, THE ROOM IS
BIG ENOUGH FOR FOUR.

OH, MRS. GARRETT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, BLAIR?

IT WOULDN'T BE THE
SAME WITHOUT YOU.

THE FOUR MUSKETEERS
TOGETHER AGAIN?

[LAUGHING]

GUYS, I... IT WON'T BE SO AWFUL,

ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I DON'T
HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.

YOU'RE ALL SO TERRIFIC, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

HOW ABOUT "YES"?

NO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?

NO OFFENSE... AND I MEAN THAT...

I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE
OVER A KITCHEN ANYMORE.

I MEAN, I DESPERATELY DON'T WANT
TO LIVE OVER A KITCHEN ANYMORE.

BUT YOU SAID YOU HATED THE DORM.

AND THAT YOUR
ROOM WAS TOO SMALL.

I DO, AND IT IS,

BUT IN A FEW WEEKS, I'LL
BE PLEDGING GAMMA GAMMA

AND MOVING INTO
THE SORORITY HOUSE.

I'LL HAVE A BRASS BED AND A VIEW

OF THE APPLE ORCHARD

AND MY VERY OWN DOUBLE CLOSET

WITH BUILT-IN SHOE RACKS.

WELL, WE CAN'T COMPETE
WITH BUILT-IN SHOE RACKS.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANT, BLAIR,

I'M SURE YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY.

COME ON, GIRLS, GIVE ME
A HAND MOVING THIS STUFF.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOU MAY
NOT BE LIVING WITH US,

BUT YOU CAN STILL
HELP US CLEAN UP.

♪ YOU'LL AVOID A LOT OF DAMAGE ♪

♪ AND ENJOY THE
FUN OF MANAGING ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THEY SHED A LOT OF LIGHT ♪

♪ IF YOU HEAR THEM
FROM YOUR BROTHER ♪

♪ BETTER CLEAR THEM
WITH YOUR MOTHER ♪

♪ BETTER GET THEM RIGHT ♪

♪ CALL HER LATE AT NIGHT ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE FUTURE IN
THE PALM OF YOUR HAND ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO TO GET
YOU THROUGH IS UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU'D
RATHER DO WITHOUT ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT
THROUGH WITHOUT THE TRUTH ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ LEARNING THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪