The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 4, Episode 8 - Daddy's Girl - full transcript

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪

♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU
GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE GROWIN'
NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪

♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP
TO YOUR DREAMS ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY
YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪



♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE
ARE ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ YOU ♪

♪ IT TAKES A LOT
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN'
THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪♪

WATCH OUT FOR JO.

I LOVE TAKING INVENTORY.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
SHARING YOUR AFTERNOON

WITH 200 CANS OF CHOW MEIN.

HOW MANY CANS DID YOU SAY?

200.

WITH CHINESE FOOD,

A HALF-HOUR LATER YOU
FORGET WHAT YOU ORDERED.



OH, FORGET IT.

NOW I CAN FEEL FOR PEOPLE

WHO DO PHYSICAL LABOR.

YOU'RE ORDERING 30
CARTONS OF KETCHUP.

HOW MUCH KETCHUP
DOES A PERSON NEED?

THAT DEPENDS ON YOUR INCOME.

THE MORE YOU MAKE, THE
LESS KETCHUP YOU USE.

WELL, UH...

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT
ORDERING ANY KETCHUP.

BUT IT SAYS HERE...

SINCE WE HAVE EXTRA KETCHUP,

I'LL USE THAT MONEY
FOR SOMETHING BETTER...

VEGETABLES AND FRUIT.

CAN YOU DO THAT?

I HAVE TO!

THE BOARD WILL
AUTHORIZE KETCHUP.

WHEN IT COMES TO VEGETABLES,

"THAT'S EXPENSIVE!"

YOU NEED MORE MONEY?

WHY DON'T YOU DO
WHAT I DO... ASK FOR IT.

I DID.

I FILLED OUT ALL THE
PROPER FORMS IN TRIPLICATE,

AND THE HEADMASTER
RESPONDED IN TRIPLICATE,

"NO, NO, NO!"

IF I WANT TO FEED
YOU NUTRITIOUS FOOD,

I'LL HAVE TO KIND OF
JUGGLE THE BUDGET.

JUGGLE FASTER.

I'M GOING TO A
BALLGAME WITH MY DAD.

ANOTHER BALLGAME?

HOW DULL.

NOT WITH MY DAD.

HE FIGHTS WITH THE FANS.

HE THROWS THINGS.

HE LOVES SPORTS!

GIRLS, BACK TO THE SALT MINES.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO
CARRY ON WITHOUT ME.

I HAVE A VISITOR AT 3:00.

OHHH. WHO IS THE
VISITOR, BLAIRE?

A MAN FROM THE IRS.

THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE?

MY PALMS JUST STARTED TO SWEAT.

HE JUST HAS A FEW QUESTIONS

ABOUT MY TAX RETURN.

YEP. THAT'S SWEAT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU FILLED OUT A TAX RETURN?

NO, OF COURSE NOT!

I JUST SIGNED IT.

DADDY TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING.

YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

SURE I DO. DADDY LISTS ME

AS FASHION CONSULTANT
FOR HIS COMPANY.

HE'S SUCH A BRILLIANT
BUSINESSMAN.

MY ALLOWANCE IS TAX-DEDUCTIBLE.

IN OUR CIRCLES,
IT'S ALWAYS DONE.

WHENEVER THEY CAN TAKE
TIME OUT FROM OPPRESSING.

BUT BLAIRE, THAT'S
JUST YOUR ALLOWANCE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW.

HOW MUCH COULD THAT BE?

IT'S NOT THE KIND OF
THING ONE TALKS ABOUT.

OK.

$10,000.

$10,000 A YEAR?

A MONTH.

YOU COULDN'T LEND ME
MONEY FOR THE MOVIES.

I DON'T GET MOST OF IT.

IT'S INVESTED.

DON'T TAKE THIS TOO LIGHTLY.

THESE IRS PEOPLE TAKE
THEIR WORK VERY SERIOUSLY.

MY PARENTS HAVE
HANDLED LOTS OF TAX CASES.

JUST STAY CALM
AND KEEP YOUR HEAD.

AND MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY.

WELL, WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER SAY?

WE DIDN'T TALK. HE'S IN NIGERIA.

I REST MY CASE.

BLAIRE, COULDN'T
YOU PUT THIS OFF

UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS BACK?

I CAN HANDLE ONE LITTLE TAX MAN.

AFTER ALL, I AM A WARNER.

I HAVE CHARM, WIT, AND
SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET,

THE OPERATIVE WORD
IN "TAX MAN" IS "MAN."

57 CANS OF CRANBERRIES.

58 CANS OF CRANBERRIES.

59 CANS OF CRANBERRIES.

60 CANS OF CRANBERRIES!

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

YOUR CANS WERE DRIVING ME NUTS.

ONE CAN OF SWEET POTATOES.

TWO CANS OF SWEET POTATOES.

I'VE HAD IT.

THANKS.

MRS. GARRETT, I
NEED YOUR ADVICE.

I'VE NEVER MET
WITH THE IRS BEFORE,

BUT I'LL BE HAPPY TO HELP.

THE PINK SCARF OR THE RUST?

HOW ABOUT A BLACK
ONE OVER YOUR EYES?

NATALIE, YOU'RE PARANOID.

EVERY IRS AGENT
ISN'T OUT TO GET YOU.

HE'S OUT TO GET BLAIRE.

WOULD YOU GUYS RELAX?

I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.

TOOTIE'S MADE THE COFFEE.

NAT WILL SERVE.

WE'LL HAVE SOME OF
YOUR DELICIOUS STRUDEL.

THIS ISN'T A TEA PARTY.

HE'S NOT INTERESTED
IN MY STRUDEL.

MRS. GARRETT, I'LL TALK
TO THIS MAN ON HIS LEVEL

AND ESTABLISH RAPPORT.

THEN I'LL TWIST HIM
AROUND MY LITTLE FINGER.

WHERE'S BLAIRE WARNER?

HI THERE.

I'M BLAIRE WARNER.
YOU'RE MR. GARFIELD?

IT'S SO NICE OF YOU
TO COME SEE ME.

IT'S MY PLEASURE.

SHE MADE HIM SMILE.

HE COULD GET FIRED FOR THAT.

PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

COME, GIRLS.

COME, COME. WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

SHALL WE SIT DOWN AND
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER?

THIS WILL DO FINE. OKAY.

AH, MISS WARNER...
PLEASE, CALL ME BLAIRE.

ALL RIGHT, BLAIRE.

ON YOUR TAX RETURN,

YOU'VE LISTED YOUR OCCUPATION
AS FASHION CONSULTANT.

WELL... ONE DOES
WHAT ONE DOES BEST.

THAT MUST BE A FASCINATING JOB.

WHAT EXACTLY DOES A
FASHION CONSULTANT DO?

WELL, UM... ONE
WATCHES FOR TRENDS.

ONE GAUGES REACTIONS.

ONE READS COSMOPOLITAN.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

HOW'S THAT?

WELL... WE'RE BOTH PROFESSIONALS
IN CHALLENGING CAREERS.

WE BOTH WORK FOR RELATIVES.

YOU WORK FOR UNCLE SAM,

AND I WORK FOR DADDY.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

MISS WARNER... UH-UH.

BLAIRE.

YOU'VE WRITTEN OFF A
RATHER LARGE DEDUCTION

FOR CLOTHING EXPENSES.

DO YOU HAVE THOSE RECEIPTS?

RECEIPTS?

ACTUALLY, TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH, I...

LOST THEM?

HEAVENS, NO!

I THREW THEM AWAY.

I CAN SHOW YOU THE CLOTHES.

THIS IS ONE OUTFIT.

THAT'S VERY NICE,

BUT ACTUALLY, I'M
MORE INTERESTED

IN YOUR MISCELLANEOUS EQUIPMENT.

EQUIPMENT?

THE TV SET.

ONE MUST KEEP AU COURANT.

THE XEROX MACHINE, THE TELEX,

AND THE COMPUTER TERMINAL.

OH, OF COURSE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, TO
TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I...

THREW THEM AWAY?

NO. WHY WOULD I THROW
AWAY MY EQUIPMENT?

NOW, WHERE DID I PUT THEM?

I THINK I... I...

LEASED THEM TO YOUR
FATHER'S CORPORATION

WITH AN OPTION TO PURCHASE

WHILE SHARING THE DEPRECIATION?

HERE'S WHERE HE
GOES IN FOR THE KILL.

NATALIE, IT'S NOT NICE

TO LISTEN TO OTHER
PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

THE MAJOR PROBLEMS
OTHER THAN THE 1040 FORM

IS THIS GROUP OF SCHEDULES HERE.

MRS. GARRETT, DO SOMETHING.

THERE ARE SOME IRREGULARITIES

IN YOUR KEOGH
PLAN, STOCK LOSSES,

AND YOUR FOREIGN TAX CREDIT.

I WOULD LIKE A LITTLE
MORE INFORMATION

ABOUT YOUR DREDGING EQUIPMENT.

WHAT CAN ONE SAY?

IT DREDGES.

MISS WARNER, TWO
THINGS ARE VERY OBVIOUS.

ONE, YOU KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT WHAT'S IN YOUR TAX RETURN.

TWO, YOUR FATHER GAVE YOU

THE TITLE OF FASHION CONSULTANT

SIMPLY TO AVOID PAYING TAXES.

STRUDEL, ANYONE?

OH, THANK YOU.

IT'S DELICIOUS!

I'LL BE BACK ON MONDAY.

YOU AND YOUR FATHER
SHOULD REVISE THIS.

IF NOT, I HOPE YOUR
RECORDS ARE IN ORDER.

WONDERFUL.

I WANT MY DADDY.

SO DO WE.

A PIG FARM IN ARKANSAS.

A CANNERY IN GUAM?

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING
A GIRL COULD EVER NEED.

RIGHT DOWN TO HER OIL WELLS.

OIL WELLS?

JUST TWO LITTLE ONES.

DAD AND I HAD BOX SEATS

RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT!

UNTIL THE GUY WHO BOUGHT
THE SEATS SHOWED UP.

WHAT A RIOT.

WOULD YOU HOLD THIS
CONVERSATION ELSEWHERE?

WHAT'S WITH HER?

SHE'S UPSET ABOUT HER PIG FARM.

I AM NOT UPSET.

I'M JUST SURPRISED.

I COULD UNDERSTAND A MINK FARM.

BUT PIGS?

THE AUDITOR IS COMING
BACK TOMORROW.

BLAIRE HASN'T REACHED
HER FATHER YET.

SHE TRIED THIS MORNING.

HER FATHER'S OVER
THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

WHAT'S SHE BUGGED ABOUT?

I'M NOT BUGGED!

WOULD YOU STOP
TALKING LIKE I'M NOT HERE?

SURE.

BOY, IS SHE BUGGED!

BLAIRE, DIDN'T YOUR FATHER

TAKE YOU TO BARBADOS
FOR CHRISTMAS?

THIS SAYS IT WAS
A BUSINESS TRIP.

WHAT?

NO, THIS MUST BE A MISTAKE.

THAT WAS OUR VACATION.

THE TIME HE TOOK YOU

TO GENEVA, ROME, AND MADRID.

HE LISTED YOUR VACATIONS
AS BUSINESS TRIPS.

TYPICAL.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ISN'T THIS ALL A LITTLE ILLEGAL?

I'M NO TAX EXPERT,

BUT PEOPLE DO
GO TO JAIL FOR THIS.

HERE. THESE BELONG TO YOU.

IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR

TO GET MY FINGERPRINTS
ALL OVER THEM.

I'LL GET IT.

BLAIRE, BLAIRE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO JAIL.

OF COURSE SHE'S NOT.

HER FATHER IS.

PEOPLE LIKE BLAIRE'S FATHER

GO TO FENCED-IN DUDE RANCHES

WHERE THEY GOT TENNIS
COURTS, GOURMET MEALS...

JO, YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

OK, SO WE'LL SEND
HIM A FILE IN A QUICHE.

WHY AM I GETTING SO WORRIED?

MY FATHER WILL TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.

HE'S DONE A GREAT JOB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE MADE YOU THE PATSY.

HE STUCK YOU WITH THIS MESS.

YOU DON'T LIKE MY FATHER
BECAUSE HE'S SUCCESSFUL.

AND CHEATING.

IT'S NOT CHEATING.

IT'S... IT'S BUSINESS.

IT'S LIKE WHAT MRS.
GARRETT IS DOING...

JUGGLING THE BUDGET.

SHE'S ORDERING KETCHUP
TO GET US VEGGIES.

KETCHUP, PIG FARMS...
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.

NO, JO.

BLAIRE'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A
FEW BOTTLES OF KETCHUP.

HOW MANY BOTTLES MAKES IT WRONG?

IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

I KNOW IT.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT'S STILL LYING.

AM I GLAD I REALIZED THAT.

I'D BETTER CHANGE
MY BUDGET REPORT

BEFORE MR. PARKER SEES IT.

I'LL TELL HIM WHAT I NEED,

AND I'LL FIGHT TILL I GET IT!

GIVE ME BROCCOLI
OR GIVE ME DEATH!

YOUR FATHER WAS ON THE PHONE.

HE'S COMING UP.

HE SAID NOT TO WORRY.

YOU SEE?

FATHER WILL TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.

SURE.

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T.

YOU DON'T PUT FAMILY IN A SPOT

OVER A FEW LOUSY BUCKS.

MRS. GARRETT.

MR. WARNER.

I CAN'T KEEP FROM
SNACKING BETWEEN MEALS.

IT LOOKS BETTER
THAN AIRLINE FOOD.

HI, DADDY.

HELLO, PRINCESS.

MAY WE... PLEASE MAKE
YOURSELF AT HOME.

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU OK, PRINCESS?

NOT REALLY, DADDY.

I KNOW HOW DISTRESSING

THIS IRS BUSINESS HAS BEEN.

DON'T WORRY. MY ATTORNEYS
ARE TAKING CARE OF EVERYTHING.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

IT'S MY FAULT.

I SHOULDN'T LEAVE
THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.

TO GET SOMETHING DONE RIGHT,

DO IT YOURSELF.

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

THAT TAX MAN MADE
ME FEEL LIKE A CRIMINAL.

I'LL BET YOU THOUGHT

WE WERE GOING UP THE RIVER.

THEN THEY WOULD HAVE TO

FORWARD YOUR NEIMAN-MARCUS
CATALOGUE TO SING SING.

DADDY, MY TAX RETURN

WAS AS THICK AS A PHONE BOOK.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THAT?

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER
YOU WITH LITTLE DETAILS.

LITTLE DETAILS?

I OWN A CANNERY IN GUAM!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE GUAM IS.

IT'S A PACIFIC ISLAND.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T WANT TO
OWN ANYTHING THERE.

THAT CANNERY'S A
TERRIFIC INVESTMENT.

IT LOSES US $50,000 A YEAR.

THAT SAVES US A LOT OF MONEY.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

I HAVE TO MAKE
$10 TO KEEP $1.00.

THAT DOLLAR HAS TO
STRETCH PRETTY FAR.

I SUPPORT MANY PEOPLE.

YOU, MY EX-WIVES,
THEIR EX-HUSBANDS.

SHOULD I GIVE MY
MONEY TO THE IRS?

NO.

THERE MUST BE ANOTHER
WAY TO HANDLE THIS.

I DON'T WANT THIS
HAPPENING AGAIN.

IT WON'T, HONEY.

I'M MAKING YOU A CORPORATION.

A CORPORATION?

WE'LL CALL IT PRINCESS, INC.

WE'LL CALL IT SOMETHING ELSE.

DADDY, ARE YOU LISTENING?

I DON'T WANT TO
BE A CORPORATION.

I WANT TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER.

SHALL I TAKE EVERYTHING
OUT OF YOUR NAME?

WHY NOT?

THIS VERY COMPLICATED
FINANCIAL STRUCTURE

HAS TAKEN ME YEARS TO BUILD.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THEN EXPLAIN IT.

WHY WERE OUR VACATIONS
LISTED AS BUSINESS TRIPS,

EVEN THE ONE ON MY BIRTHDAY?

I THOUGHT...

I THOUGHT THAT
WAS JUST YOU AND ME

SPENDING SOME TIME TOGETHER.

THAT'S JUST A WAY
OF DEDUCTING COSTS.

THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

YES, IT DOES.

I DON'T KNOW.

EVERYTHING WE DO HAS A
PRICE TAG ATTACHED TO IT.

DON'T YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN
DOING ALL THIS FOR YOU?

I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, THIS...

THIS CONVERSATION REMINDS ME

OF ONE I HAD WITH YOUR MOTHER

JUST BEFORE SHE
ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.

AM I REALLY SUCH
A TERRIBLE FATHER?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

YOU KNOW I'D DO
ANYTHING FOR YOU.

WOULD YOU TAKE ME
TO A BASEBALL GAME?

A BASEBALL GAME?

YOU HATE SPORTS.

I DON'T CARE.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING
THAT'S JUST US,

JUST YOU AND ME SITTING
ON THE 50-YARD LINE.

THAT'S FOOTBALL.

GREAT. LET'S GO TO
A FOOTBALL GAME.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,

WE'LL GO TO THE SUPER BOWL.

OK. LET'S GO TO THE
SUPER BOWL NEXT WEEK.

IT'S NOT FOR A WHILE.

LET'S GO TO SOMETHING NEXT WEEK.

NEXT WEEK'S NO GOOD.

THE WEEK AFTER,
I'M GOING TO GENEVA.

WE'LL DO SOMETHING
WHEN I RETURN.

SURE.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

I BROUGHT YOUR
ALLOWANCE CHECK MYSELF.

SAVED 20 CENTS.

THANKS, DADDY.

BETTER GET BACK TO THE OFFICE,

MAKE SURE THEY'RE TAKING
CARE OF THAT TAX THING.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE
ALWAYS BEEN MY BEST GIRL.

I KNOW.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S MY...

FATHER.