The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 9 - Dear Me - full transcript

♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

Well, all right.

We'll meet again next
Friday and make sure we got

everything we need for the hike.

Thanks for all your help,
Mrs. Garrett. Oh, sure.

This year's camp-out's
gonna be the best one yet.

That's right.

Hey, guys. ALL: Hi, Tootie.



Hey, Tootie. How're you doin'?

Okay, Zack.

Listen, the food
nets are all set.

Food nets? What are food nets?

You hoist the
food up in the trees

so the animals don't get to it.

Animals? What animals?

Oh, possums, raccoons,
maybe an occasional wolf.

Nobody told me
about the animals.

Don't worry, Jo.

We have the men to protect us.

I'm gonna bring a rock.

All right, boys, we'll
see you next week.

Thanks again,
Mrs. Garrett. Sure.

We'll look for the
extra lanterns. Right.

Oh, Tootie, I have to type
up the menu for tomorrow

and my typewriter's
on the fritz.

Can I borrow yours?

Sure. It's on my
desk. Thanks, hon.

Come on, everybody,
get in here. Come on.

Okay.

When the lantern flashes twice

and you hear...

that'll be the signal and
we'll all meet at the pond.

All right.

And go skinny-dipping.

Skinny-dipping?

Won't it be a
little cold for that?

So, we'll wear gloves.

Oh, and sweat
suits like last year.

Just as long as you're wearing
that perfume that drives me crazy.

It's gonna be an Aviance night.

Hey, go on, tell her
by yourself. Go on.

Hey, I hear that, uh, two kids
found a Mohican arrowhead

on last year's hike.

Hey, Tootie. When we
go up to Cooper's Rock,

maybe we'll find
something terrific,

like old fossils in a cave.

Maybe. I didn't know
there were caves up there.

Sure. Big caves.

They're secluded and private.

Anything can happen.

I can't wait to
show them to you.

Well, we'll probably
be too tired from hiking

to do much exploring.

Are you kidding? That's
what these hikes are all about.

Exploring.

I gotta go set up for dinner.

Hey, hey, Zack!

Where have you two
been? Practicing for the hike?

Who needs practice?

Come on, guys,
we gotta get back.

Okay.

Bye-bye, girls. GIRLS: Bye.

See you next week.

Don't forget the perfume.

And, uh, make it
industrial strength.

Bye!

Aren't they a hoot?

This hike is going
to be so much fun.

I hope you're more
careful this year.

I heard that, uh, last
year you and Roger

came back with poison ivy.

We also came back going steady.

Aren't those the two sweetest
words you ever heard?

"Going steady."

Actually, I'm partial
to, "Dinner's ready!"

Tootie, you saw the way
Zack Peters was looking at you.

He had Cooper's Rock
written all over his face.

Come on, you guys.

Tootie, you have
no idea what it's like

being with a boy
up at Cooper's Rock.

His shoulders sheltering
you from the wind.

And then he takes
you in his arms

and presses his lips to yours.

And your insides
turn to tapioca.

Jell-O.

Scrambled eggs.

With me it's pastrami on rye.

And you're going to feel
the same way next weekend.

Can you stand the wait?

Girls, I think you should take
your long underwear on the hike.

The temperature
really drops at night.

Not with the Bates
boys in the next tent.

Down, Nancy.

There will be no hanky-panky

with Mr. Fogarty and
me around to chaperone.

They have to sleep sometime.

We'll take turns.

- See you later, Nancy.
- Bye, Nancy.

Tootie, you didn't
sign up for the hike.

Do you want me to
put your name down?

Don't bother, Mrs.
Garrett. It's no bother.

I changed my mind.

I'm not going.

Not going? She's
going. You're going.

No, I'm not.

Well, Tootie,
you think about it.

Maybe you'll change
your mind again.

Oh, come on, girls. Let's go.

We're behind
schedule for dinner.

Ah, come with us. It won't
be so awful. I'm going.

And I hate fresh air.

It clogs my sinuses.

Tootie, why don't you
want to go on the hike?

I have wonderful plans for you.

It's not that I don't want to.

It's just that I... I can't.

Why not?

Because my boyfriend
wouldn't like it.

What boyfriend?

You don't know him.

What "him" don't I know?

Teddy, from Washington.

He was a junior tennis
counselor at my camp.

But that was last
summer at camp.

Blair, he's kept in touch.

You've been getting
letters from him?

Right, letters.

We have a relationship.

No kiddin'. You're
pen pals? That's cute.

Cute?

Teddy's letters would melt the
chrome off your exhaust pipes.

Melt chrome?

Yeah.

That's why I can't
go on the hike.

Teddy doesn't want
me near other guys.

He's insanely jealous.

Uh, about these love letters,

why haven't I seen any of them?

Blair, where is it written
everything is your business?

Now, about these love letters,

you could've at least shown me

an envelope, a stamp,
one hot paragraph.

"Dear Tootie, how is my

"gorgeous little fox?"

"Tootie, honey, your Teddy is so
glad you're not going on that hike.

"I shouldn't be jealous,

"but I know you're
too good for me

"and I don't deserve you.

"Why is this cruel
world keeping us apart?

"I can't go on with
this torture. I..."

You know, every man
that's ever loved me

has said those same words.

"I can't go on
with this torture"?

No. The part about

"you're too good for me."

Tootie, go on with
the letter. Read, read.

I'd better skip
the steamy stuff.

You can't stop now. This is
better than a Harlequin romance.

I'll skip to the end
where he says,

"Be good. Be true.

"And be ready for
action next time we meet.

"Teddy Lee Watson Jr.,

"your hunka-hunka burning love."

Now don't you see why I
can't go on that overnight hike

with all those guys?

Oh, I know.

Men can be so possessive.

Excuse me, I'm retiring
to the privacy of my room.

Uh, Tootie, could I
speak to you for a minute?

Sure, Mrs. Garrett.

Well, uh,

that was some letter. I
couldn't help overhearing.

Uh, Tootie, uh,

I don't know exactly
how serious this is...

Very.

The guy's crazy about me.

Oh? That's nice.

Uh, Tootie, you're very young

and you haven't had
many serious involvements.

No. Teddy's my
first real commitment.

But, it's all just letters.

I mean, with Teddy in
Washington and me here,

the only one that's
delivering is the mailman.

That poor kid.

Living with the
pain of separation

and not sharing it with anyone.

And all these months I've
been treating her like a child.

How could I be so insensitive?

Practice.

Tootie's so young.

Who ever dreamed she
could be this involved?

Those poor kids.

Who knows when they'll
see each other again?

I just had another one
of my brilliant ideas.

Suppose somebody wonderful

arranged to fly Teddy
up here for the weekend.

As a surprise.

I love it.

What you lookin' for, Tootie?

My poncho.

I told Jo I'd lend it to her
since I'm not going on the hike.

Not so fast.

Maybe you'll decide you
want to go on that hike

more than anything in
the whole entire world.

Why?

Why not?

What else are you
gonna do Saturday night?

Watch television while I
baby-sit for the headmaster's kid.

You can baby-sit next weekend.

But this weekend,
you're gonna be busy,

up at Cooper's Rock.

Natalie, I already explained
why I can't go on the hike.

Teddy's very possessive.

He doesn't want me going
anywhere without him.

But suppose,

just for the sake of supposing,

suppose somebody
bought him a ticket

and suppose he flew up here so
he could go on the hike with you.

Suppose who bought him a ticket?

Suppose Blair?

Blair bought Teddy a ticket
to fly up for the weekend?

No, not yet.

She's calling him
tonight and inviting him.

She's calling Teddy?
And inviting him? Here?

I knew you'd be overwhelmed.

Tootie, I knew this
would blow you away.

I know you're
speechless with joy.

Tootie? Thanks for
letting me use this again.

My typewriter is
still in intensive care.

Cheer up, Tootie.
It's only a typewriter.

She's just stunned by the incredibly
wonderful thing I just told her.

What? I can't tell.

This is Blair's surprise.

Now, remember, Tootie,
don't tell you-know-who

that I told you about
you-know-what.

Natalie, would you take this supply
list down to Jo in the you-know-where?

Mrs. Garrett, what
am I gonna do?

About what?

Blair's arranging for Teddy
to come up for the hike.

I don't know if I like that.

I'm sure I don't.

Mrs. Garrett, when
Blair calls to invite Teddy,

the girls are gonna find
out there is no Teddy.

What?

You mean you made him up?

Just the good parts.

I mean, there is a
Teddy Lee Watson.

And he was a junior tennis
counselor at my camp.

But the only thing he ever
whispered in my ear was,

"Keep your eye on
the ball, dummy."

Well, what about
all those letters?

I wrote them myself.

You mean, you're
"hunka-hunka-hunka"?

Yeah. But I had to do it.

I mean, all the other girls sit
around talking about their romances

and how their
insides turn to mush.

Well, my insides aren't mushy.

I'm not even near mush.

Oh, that's okay.

No, it's not. The girls
think I'm grown up.

They couldn't wait to get me
up to Cooper's Rock with Zack

and I don't want to do that.

You don't have to do that.

Cooper's Rock has nothing
to do with being grown up.

The girls think it does.

And if they knew how I
really feel they'd tease me

and call me a kid and make
jokes about my hormones.

There's nothing wrong
with your hormones.

Oh, I know there are
kids out there your age

splashing around
in the blue lagoon.

But, I think there's
a lot to be said

for taking things slowly and
learning to tread water first.

But I felt cornered. I
didn't know what to say.

Tootie, what you do or don't do

is nobody else's business.

There's no timetable
with these things.

And you don't have to let
anyone bully you into telling lies.

You do what you feel
is right for you to do

and you won't go wrong.

Here's the rest of the
supply list, Jo. Thanks.

Guess what we're
eatin' on the hike.

"Trankturters and
Trench tried potatoes"

What's that?

W-Wait, it gets better. For
dessert we're having "tresh truit."

Isn't that supposed
to be fresh fruit?

I guess Mrs. G's still
using Tootie's typewriter.

I don't believe it.

What's that?

One of Teddy's letters.

Where did you get it?

Found it by accident.

What's all that
gungy stuff all over it?

Nothing. Just a little garbage.

You mean, you stuck
your hand in the trash

and tunneled down through the
popsicle sticks and the banana peels

to dig out that letter?

I was looking for my eraser.

That's disgusting. Let me see.

"Tootie, I teel you near
though you are tar away."

"I am yours torever"?

I wonder what the odds are on having
two typewriters messing up the same key.

About six billion to one.

Well, well, well.

Blair, I don't like your tone.

Are you saying that Tootie
made up those letters?

No, you said it.

Why would she do that?

Why? I'll tell you why!

To make a fool
out of Blair Warner.

You don't need Tootie for that.

Why would Tootie make
up a romance like this?

I guess 'cause she
didn't have a real one.

But I was gonna take
care of that this weekend.

I had wonderful
plans for her and Zack.

Maybe this was her way of saying

she didn't want you
making plans for her.

Don't make me
sound like the culprit.

Tootie's the one that lied.

Face it, guys.

All our talk about hugging
and kissing and Cooper's Rock,

we drove Tootie to hunka-hunka.

I guess we did.

The problem is,
what do we do now?

What are we gonna say to Tootie?

Nothin'. We just go
along with Tootie's story

and never let on that
we know what we know.

It's okay with me. Will you
go along with that, Blair?

I'll go even further than that.

I swear I will never
meddle in Tootie's life again.

And if I do, promise me you'll
shut me up any way you have to.

Yeah, Information?

I want the number of
a Teddy Lee Watson

in Washington, D.C.

Oh, listen, operator, has anyone
else tried to get this number today?

I know there's more
than one operator.

It was just a shot!

Oh.

Hi, Tootie.

What do you want? Nothin'.

I mean, I just came to
drop off these extra lanterns.

Yeah, well, put 'em down.

Over there.

Tootie, I heard you're
not goin' on the hike.

That's right.

Oh, that's too bad. I
was hopin' you'd go.

Yeah, I bet you were!

Tootie, I just want to say
that I hope you're not...

I hope this wasn't my fault.

What do you mean?

Well, the other day,

I was acting
kinda... I don't know.

I know! Pushy!

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Why did you act that way?

I don't know.

All the guys were out there.

A person can only take
so many elbows to the ribs

until he has to do what
they expect him to do.

Do you always do what
they expect you to do?

Sometimes.

But you can't let people
tell you what to do

if that's not what
you want to do.

You can't let them bully you.

I know, but it's hard not to.

I guess girls don't
have that problem.

Ha! That's what you think.

Well, what do you do about it?

It's a long, boring story, Zack.

And anyway, I'm
not doing it anymore.

I'm not playin' any more games.

That's very mature
of you, Tootie.

I admire that attitude.

So do I.

You know something?

I think I am gonna
go on that hike.

You are? Yeah.

But I'm going strictly
for the arrowheads.

I'm not interested
in Cooper's Rock.

Hey, I hear you.

I know. I know.

So I'll see you
Friday, right? Right.

Maybe we'll find something good,

like a bug stuck in tree sap.

You know, this hike
may turn out okay after all.

See you. Bye.

Tootie, you can't
go on that hike.

I promised.

This is different.

Tootie, we don't
want you on that hike.

I mean, well, we don't want
you to feel like you have to go.

It hardly shapes up as the
social event of the season.

But I already told Zack I'd go.

So, you can change your
mind. You're gettin' good at that.

And besides, what about Teddy?
Now what would Teddy say?

Teddy says what
I want him to say.

I mean, I'll take care of Teddy.

Oh, Blair, about your surprise?

It was a nice gesture,

but I think Teddy and I
are about to break up.

How did she know
about the surprise?

Isn't that wonderful?

She's breakin' up. You
know what that means?

How did she find out
about the surprise?

Means she's free.

She doesn't have to hide behind

that made-up romance anymore.

How did she know
about the surprise?

Oh, that.

She dragged it out of me.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪