The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 8 - From Russia with Love - full transcript
Natalie's Grandma Mona, a Russian Jewish immigrant, comes to visit her.
♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Well, what do you think, Jo?
Passionate Plum.
Passionate Plum?
That could get you into trouble.
If I'm lucky.
C'est moi.
High fashion on the
slopes, right here.
You look great!
Thanks.
Natalie, why don't you change
your mind and go skiing with us?
Thanks, but I'm going home.
I can't cheat Mom and Dad
out of two full days of me.
Am I a snow fox, or what?
You look hot.
I might just melt the mountain.
Listen you got a postcard
from your parents in Hawaii.
They're having a wonderful time.
Your mother sent
you a hula skirt
and your dad fell
off his surfboard.
You still want to read it?
Yes, Tootie. Give it to me.
Wait a minute. Hawaii?
I thought you were going home
to be with your
parents in New York.
Okay, I told a small fib.
Uh, if they're in Hawaii,
who are you at home with?
Mrs. Garrett's still upstairs?
Yes.
Something tells me this is big.
Tomorrow night, in New York,
I have a date with Chip Douglas.
Did I lie?
Chip Douglas from Bates?
The cute one who wears glasses?
Cute? He's magnificent.
We'll be having a small
romantic candlelight dinner
at my apartment.
You mean your
parents' apartment.
Alone?
Of course, alone.
Mom's in Maui, and
she thinks I'm here.
Oh, wow! Endless love.
Natalie, what you're doing
is total fraud and deception.
All I can say is good for you.
Thanks.
My grandparents wanted me
to spend the weekend
with them, but I said,
"I'd love to, but I've got to
stay at school and study."
Great. You lied to
your grandparents.
You lied to your parents.
You're really on a roll.
It's called survival.
Can you imagine how much fun a
weekend with Grandma would be?
Oh, please.
With my mother's
three marriages,
I'm an expert on grandparents.
When they all come
over at Christmas time,
it sounds like a bunch of
antique cars warming up.
I never got to know
my grandparents.
They all died on me.
Yeah, well, my Grandma
and Grandpa are great,
but they just can't
stop talking about
the good old days.
Anyway, what are
you going to serve Chip
at your romantic
candlelight dinner?
I can't decide.
I want something
elegant and gourmet
that won't get
stuck in his braces.
Then forget peanut brittle.
But our minds
won't be on the food.
See, we're gonna
start off with some...
Natalie! What?
I saw your suitcase
upstairs in the hall,
so I brought it down.
Who's in It? Whoops!
Oh, I'm sorry. My cook books?
I must've forgotten to ask
you if I could borrow 'em.
Oh sure, I don't need 'em.
I'm on a little holiday, too.
But Natalie, I thought
you hated cooking.
Not at all.
I'm going to cook a
meal for my parents.
Yeah, there'll be plenty
cooking at Nat's place.
Shh.
I don't believe this.
Natalie darling.
Grandma!
Look at that face.
Grandma, please.
What are you doing here?
Well, with your
family in Hawaii,
and you so busy you
couldn't stay with me
I brought you... I brought
you a package. Here.
I... I wanted to mail it from
the post office this morning,
but I thought to myself, the
car is pointing north anyway.
And besides, I am more
reliable than the US mail,
even in the snow.
Natalie, you didn't tell me
your parents were in Hawaii.
Didn't I? Mmm-mmm.
Grandma, I want you
to meet my friends.
Uh, this is Mrs. Garrett,
Jo, Tootie and Blair.
Hi. Nice to meet you. It's
a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, thank you. Natalie's mother
tells me so many nice
things about you, Mrs. Garrett.
Thank you. Make it Edna.
Okay, and you make it Mona.
Everybody calls me Mona.
All right, Mona.
Can I offer you a
cup of tea or coffee?
Oh, no.
No, no, thank you.
Just a... a glass of
hot water with lemon.
Coming right up.
Oh, uh, Natalie. Why
don't you help me?
You don't really need
me to squeeze a lemon.
Yes, I do.
I seem to be losing my grip.
You talk, I'll boil.
Mrs. Garrett, I'll be honest.
That would be nice.
Where should I start?
At the beginning,
with the first lie.
The thing is, with my
parents out of town,
I was looking forward
to being at home alone,
giving myself some space.
Right. Now about the second lie.
Why all those cook books?
I was also going to
have a dinner guest.
Chip Douglas from Bates.
Oh, yes.
I've heard you moan about him.
Alone?
Yeah, alone.
It was all going to
be fairly innocent.
Naturally.
Forget Chip.
How about going home with
your grandmother for the weekend?
That'll be exciting.
Be still my heart.
No, be still your mouth.
Your grandmother
seems like a lovely lady.
She is, and I love her.
But if you haven't noticed,
I'm 15 and she's 70 something.
That's not a gap, it's a chasm.
Yeah, what a rotten
thing for her to do. Get old.
Look, you know how
grandmothers are.
Oh, give her a chance, Natalie.
She's... she's terrific.
Mrs. Garrett, I've served a
lot of time at her apartment.
Do you know what it's
like being forced into a chair
for three hours of
balalaika records?
Eat. Eat, girls, and enjoy
them. I'll make more.
I just love to make piroshkis.
Reminds me of when
I was in the Ukraine.
They have a saying there,
"Where your mother
gave birth to you,
"the ground is always dear."
Yeah? I... I feel that
way about the Bronx.
Mona, this piroshki is ATD.
ATD?
"Absolutely To Die."
That's preppie
talk for delicious.
Here's your hot water
and lemon, Grandma.
Oh, here.
Oh.
Thank you, darling.
You know what would
make me really happy?
I would like to see your room.
And maybe we could,
um, talk a little, hmm?
Good idea.
As a matter of fact, Mona,
why don't you stay for
dinner tonight? Please.
Yeah.
Yes, I... I would
love that, but, Edna,
tonight's the night my husband,
Herman and I, we play cards.
And he'll worry, if
he throws a discard
and I'm not there to say gin.
Yeah, but the roads
are getting slippery.
It could be dangerous.
Don't drive back tonight.
Mona, stay here with us.
Yeah.
Come on, sure.
Just give Herman a jingle
and tell him to deal you out.
All right.
Herman never gets gin anyway.
Wonderful!
Now, you'll sleep in
my room, with Natalie.
Oh, I'd like that.
A-And I'll call Herman.
Yeah. Well, the telephone
is right in here, Mona.
Oh, uh, uh...
That is, if you girls don't
mind my bunkin' in with you?
Not if you can haul
it up to the top bunk.
I can haul it.
Uh, Natalie, why don't
you call Chip and tell him
your plans have changed?
I had the feeling old Chip
was gonna get
blown out of the water.
Thanks, for making
me Natalie's roomie.
You don't know
what a favor that was.
I think she does.
♪
Terrific. Now we get to
hear the Russian Top 40.
♪
"Chip, this is the
hardest phone call
"I've ever had to make."
I never saw so much
work go into a phone call.
Are you being graded on it?
I want to be sure of every word.
Chip is a wonderful person.
Yes, yes.
Uh, darling, maybe you
have a little container
where I could put things in?
Your teeth?
My earrings.
My teeth are like a bulldog,
from eating hard bread,
and not junk like you.
Why don't you give that to me?
This is not junk.
No chemicals, no preservatives.
Just pure, natural ingredients.
Chocolate and caramel.
Hi. Oh! My robe fits
you perfectly, Mona.
Well, how's the bed?
Well, uh, not bad.
Some people, uh, like it soft.
But you don't?
Come on, Natalie,
let's get a bed board.
No, no, no, don't bother.
I could sleep on the floor.
She always says, "Don't bother."
Believe me, bother.
Well, this'll do the trick.
We'll just slide it
under the mattress
and you won't have
any... Mona? Mona?
Where is she?
She's on the floor. Grandma!
Oh, my God!
Yes? What are you doing?
My... my leg lifts.
It's good for the circulation.
You have no idea
what it's done for mine.
We got you. We
got you. Thank you.
Oh, my.
You know, Natalie, you
wouldn't puff so much either
if you did your exercises.
That's why I'm
always telling you...
I know, Grandma, you're
always telling me something.
Well now, let's just get
this under the mattress.
No, uh, uh, don't bother.
I'll... I'll take this bed.
It's... it's hard enough.
Well, now, Mona, if you're sure.
Sure, don't bother.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go back to the room.
The girls are experimenting
with new hairdos.
And I'm one of the girls.
Goodnight.
♪
"Chip, darling..."
♪
Grandma, that song.
All right, darling.
So... so I wouldn't sing.
Mmm. That face.
Grandma, don't. I
hate to be pinched.
Natalie, I'm tired,
and you're tired.
And it's time to go to
sleep. Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight.
Grandma?
Yeah. What is it?
I'm not tired. And this
is very important to me.
Oh, you mean,
uh, "Chip darling"?
Look, Natalie, if
you want my advice,
at your age I think just
"Chip" would be better.
Well, I really don't need
your advice, Grandma.
Relationships just aren't
like they were in your day.
I don't want to lose Chip.
So, if he gets lost,
there'll be another boy.
There's always another boy.
See, you just don't understand.
This is the boy.
There is no other boy.
Thanks to you, there
isn't even this one.
Why? W-what did I do?
You ruined my perfect weekend.
I was supposed to
meet him in New York.
But you said you were
staying here to study.
That was a lie?
I guess.
I can understand your
lying to your mother.
But lying to your
grandmother? Ho-ho.
Very nice.
All right, I lied.
You make such a big
deal out of everything.
Look, Natalie, a... a building
doesn't have to fall down on me.
If somebody doesn't
want me once,
I don't want them ten times.
You hate me.
Grandma, I don't hate you.
All right, so you love me.
You just hate to be with me.
Where are you going?
Never mind. Don't bother.
♪
Oh, hi, Mona. Can I help you?
No, darling. I was just fixing
myself some hot water with lemon.
But if I could borrow
a lemon somewhere...
Oh, sure, honey.
Oh, where's Natalie? She
could have fixed it for you.
Natalie is upstairs
and I'm down here.
And maybe it's better.
What happened?
I don't know. Natalie
isn't Natalie anymore.
I think she's too old for me.
She says...
She says that I
treat her like a baby.
Oh, well, I'm sure it's just
a little misunderstanding.
Well, no. No, it's a fight.
My granddaughter doesn't
want me to talk or sing
or even to pinch her anymore.
In the first place,
I don't go around saying,
"I think I'll pinch Natalie."
But somehow when I get
close to her it just happens.
I know, I know,
it's a reflex action.
You know, I still
muss my son's hair
and he's pushing 32.
Yes, it isn't easy to
be a grandmother.
I know. I mean, I wish I knew.
I've two sons who could
give me a grandchild.
But one of them's single
and the other one's lazy.
Mona, Mona, Mona.
Come on, let's make
ourselves comfortable.
Okay, yes. Mmm-hmm.
You know, I think
Rose Furillo was right.
Oh? Who's Rose Furillo?
Oh, she's an old
friend of mine. Up there.
I'm sorry.
I mean in the apartment
building, in 12-B.
Oh.
You know, she says kids
don't like to be with old people.
All they want from
their grandparents
is to keep an open
purse and a closed mouth.
I told her... I told her
my Natalie is not like that,
but I was wrong.
And Rose Furillo was right.
No, Mona, Rose
Furillo was not right.
Things are not like
they were in my days.
Bullfeathers.
No, the girls said
the same thing to me
and you've got
to call 'em on it.
There's absolutely nothing,
nothing that they're
going through today
that we haven't been
through ourselves.
Or heard about on Donahue.
Hi. Hi.
Well, look who's here,
the raiders of the lost ice box.
Au contraire,
we're just laying in some
supplies for the ski trip.
That face. It's amazing.
Isn't it?
Even with my hair up!
I mean, with that babushka
on, you look exactly like me.
Pardon?
I mean, a long time
ago when I was 16
in the Ukraine.
Oh, this is unreal.
Blair, it's... it's you.
Let me see.
You're right.
You were beautiful, Mona.
Thank you.
I remember taking this picture
as... as if it were yesterday.
Time flies by just like that.
That fast, huh?
Can I see that again?
Hey, Blair, you're gonna get old
just like everybody else.
That was taken in the war.
My father made me
wear a babushka,
so my long blonde hair
wouldn't attract the soldiers.
Oh.
You were in a war?
The armies were
fighting right in our village.
That must have been a nightmare.
Tell us about it.
No, darling, no.
War stories don't make
good bedtime stories.
We can take it.
We've all seen Dr. Zhivago.
Mrs. G in here?
Hey, where's your Grandma?
She's driving me crazy,
that's where she is.
Can you imagine a woman
of her age trying to tell me
how to run my love life?
Oh yeah, she's a
real troublemaker.
I'll tell you, you don't
want her, I'll take her.
'Cause I could use a grandma.
Oh, yeah, you're the type.
You'd just love having some
old lady give you advice,
pinch your cheeks,
worry that you're gonna
fall off your motorcycle.
Yeah, I can handle that.
At least grandmas don't look
for angles like other people.
I mean, they don't ask
for a thing from you.
All they want to do is love you.
I'll see you later.
You mean those crummy Bolsheviks
just rode through your village
like they owned the place?
It happened all the time.
First they burned all our hay
and then a mean
old-looking Cossack
started whipping my father.
How terrible.
I ran over to him, I said,
"You stop hurting my papa."
And then he put
a gun to my chest
and he said, "Lie down."
Cheeze, Louise.
And I said, "No, if you
want to kill me, I'll stand."
And he said, "I
don't want to kill you.
"I want something else."
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
I don't know,
without even thinking,
God must have
given me the strength,
I gave him such a push
that he fell down
over a milk stool
and I b-began to run
and... and I ran and
I ran and I ran and...
Until I hid in a cornfield.
And... and... and
he never found you?
No.
Oh, Mona, you're
lucky to be here.
And we're lucky
we weren't there.
Here's your locket, Mona.
Thanks for saying
I look like you.
I can't believe it's 60
years since I was this girl.
Lately I look in the mirror
and I say to myself,
"No, that's not me.
"How did I get into
that old person's body?"
Mona, you're not old.
Tell that to my doctor.
Maybe he'll let me
drink more cocoa
and less hot water with lemon.
♪
Excuse me. I was singing.
Tell me, Mona,
i-i-is that a song
about the war?
No, no, it's a love song.
My sweetheart
used to sing it to me.
Oh. What are the words?
I don't know if I remember
them. Lee me see.
♪
The night will hide
us, my secret love.
♪
We will not be seen by anyone.
♪
So meet me on the
bridge, my darling... ♪
♪ Where I will wait
for you, forever ♪
That's so romantic I could die.
But my father didn't
approve of my boyfriend.
He was from a
different background.
You mean, he wasn't Grandpa?
No. No, he was my first love.
Yeah. He became a soldier
and went through
the war and was killed,
and I thought my
heart would break.
But then I came to
America, and I met Grandpa.
So you see, Natalie,
when I say there's
always another boy
it's not that I
don't understand.
It's that I do understand.
Grandma, your life
is just so incredible.
Why didn't you
ever tell me about it?
You don't tell such
things to a child.
Grandma, I'm not
a child anymore.
Yes, I know, I know.
When you were meeting
that boy how old were you?
I was a woman. I was 15. Yeah.
So am I.
Yes, you're right.
When you get to be my age,
you get to be a
little far-sighted.
And you can't see clearly
the things that
are closest to you.
Maybe if I stop treating
you like an infant,
you could stop treating
me like an antique?
Grandma, you've
got yourself a deal.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Well, what do you think, Jo?
Passionate Plum.
Passionate Plum?
That could get you into trouble.
If I'm lucky.
C'est moi.
High fashion on the
slopes, right here.
You look great!
Thanks.
Natalie, why don't you change
your mind and go skiing with us?
Thanks, but I'm going home.
I can't cheat Mom and Dad
out of two full days of me.
Am I a snow fox, or what?
You look hot.
I might just melt the mountain.
Listen you got a postcard
from your parents in Hawaii.
They're having a wonderful time.
Your mother sent
you a hula skirt
and your dad fell
off his surfboard.
You still want to read it?
Yes, Tootie. Give it to me.
Wait a minute. Hawaii?
I thought you were going home
to be with your
parents in New York.
Okay, I told a small fib.
Uh, if they're in Hawaii,
who are you at home with?
Mrs. Garrett's still upstairs?
Yes.
Something tells me this is big.
Tomorrow night, in New York,
I have a date with Chip Douglas.
Did I lie?
Chip Douglas from Bates?
The cute one who wears glasses?
Cute? He's magnificent.
We'll be having a small
romantic candlelight dinner
at my apartment.
You mean your
parents' apartment.
Alone?
Of course, alone.
Mom's in Maui, and
she thinks I'm here.
Oh, wow! Endless love.
Natalie, what you're doing
is total fraud and deception.
All I can say is good for you.
Thanks.
My grandparents wanted me
to spend the weekend
with them, but I said,
"I'd love to, but I've got to
stay at school and study."
Great. You lied to
your grandparents.
You lied to your parents.
You're really on a roll.
It's called survival.
Can you imagine how much fun a
weekend with Grandma would be?
Oh, please.
With my mother's
three marriages,
I'm an expert on grandparents.
When they all come
over at Christmas time,
it sounds like a bunch of
antique cars warming up.
I never got to know
my grandparents.
They all died on me.
Yeah, well, my Grandma
and Grandpa are great,
but they just can't
stop talking about
the good old days.
Anyway, what are
you going to serve Chip
at your romantic
candlelight dinner?
I can't decide.
I want something
elegant and gourmet
that won't get
stuck in his braces.
Then forget peanut brittle.
But our minds
won't be on the food.
See, we're gonna
start off with some...
Natalie! What?
I saw your suitcase
upstairs in the hall,
so I brought it down.
Who's in It? Whoops!
Oh, I'm sorry. My cook books?
I must've forgotten to ask
you if I could borrow 'em.
Oh sure, I don't need 'em.
I'm on a little holiday, too.
But Natalie, I thought
you hated cooking.
Not at all.
I'm going to cook a
meal for my parents.
Yeah, there'll be plenty
cooking at Nat's place.
Shh.
I don't believe this.
Natalie darling.
Grandma!
Look at that face.
Grandma, please.
What are you doing here?
Well, with your
family in Hawaii,
and you so busy you
couldn't stay with me
I brought you... I brought
you a package. Here.
I... I wanted to mail it from
the post office this morning,
but I thought to myself, the
car is pointing north anyway.
And besides, I am more
reliable than the US mail,
even in the snow.
Natalie, you didn't tell me
your parents were in Hawaii.
Didn't I? Mmm-mmm.
Grandma, I want you
to meet my friends.
Uh, this is Mrs. Garrett,
Jo, Tootie and Blair.
Hi. Nice to meet you. It's
a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, thank you. Natalie's mother
tells me so many nice
things about you, Mrs. Garrett.
Thank you. Make it Edna.
Okay, and you make it Mona.
Everybody calls me Mona.
All right, Mona.
Can I offer you a
cup of tea or coffee?
Oh, no.
No, no, thank you.
Just a... a glass of
hot water with lemon.
Coming right up.
Oh, uh, Natalie. Why
don't you help me?
You don't really need
me to squeeze a lemon.
Yes, I do.
I seem to be losing my grip.
You talk, I'll boil.
Mrs. Garrett, I'll be honest.
That would be nice.
Where should I start?
At the beginning,
with the first lie.
The thing is, with my
parents out of town,
I was looking forward
to being at home alone,
giving myself some space.
Right. Now about the second lie.
Why all those cook books?
I was also going to
have a dinner guest.
Chip Douglas from Bates.
Oh, yes.
I've heard you moan about him.
Alone?
Yeah, alone.
It was all going to
be fairly innocent.
Naturally.
Forget Chip.
How about going home with
your grandmother for the weekend?
That'll be exciting.
Be still my heart.
No, be still your mouth.
Your grandmother
seems like a lovely lady.
She is, and I love her.
But if you haven't noticed,
I'm 15 and she's 70 something.
That's not a gap, it's a chasm.
Yeah, what a rotten
thing for her to do. Get old.
Look, you know how
grandmothers are.
Oh, give her a chance, Natalie.
She's... she's terrific.
Mrs. Garrett, I've served a
lot of time at her apartment.
Do you know what it's
like being forced into a chair
for three hours of
balalaika records?
Eat. Eat, girls, and enjoy
them. I'll make more.
I just love to make piroshkis.
Reminds me of when
I was in the Ukraine.
They have a saying there,
"Where your mother
gave birth to you,
"the ground is always dear."
Yeah? I... I feel that
way about the Bronx.
Mona, this piroshki is ATD.
ATD?
"Absolutely To Die."
That's preppie
talk for delicious.
Here's your hot water
and lemon, Grandma.
Oh, here.
Oh.
Thank you, darling.
You know what would
make me really happy?
I would like to see your room.
And maybe we could,
um, talk a little, hmm?
Good idea.
As a matter of fact, Mona,
why don't you stay for
dinner tonight? Please.
Yeah.
Yes, I... I would
love that, but, Edna,
tonight's the night my husband,
Herman and I, we play cards.
And he'll worry, if
he throws a discard
and I'm not there to say gin.
Yeah, but the roads
are getting slippery.
It could be dangerous.
Don't drive back tonight.
Mona, stay here with us.
Yeah.
Come on, sure.
Just give Herman a jingle
and tell him to deal you out.
All right.
Herman never gets gin anyway.
Wonderful!
Now, you'll sleep in
my room, with Natalie.
Oh, I'd like that.
A-And I'll call Herman.
Yeah. Well, the telephone
is right in here, Mona.
Oh, uh, uh...
That is, if you girls don't
mind my bunkin' in with you?
Not if you can haul
it up to the top bunk.
I can haul it.
Uh, Natalie, why don't
you call Chip and tell him
your plans have changed?
I had the feeling old Chip
was gonna get
blown out of the water.
Thanks, for making
me Natalie's roomie.
You don't know
what a favor that was.
I think she does.
♪
Terrific. Now we get to
hear the Russian Top 40.
♪
"Chip, this is the
hardest phone call
"I've ever had to make."
I never saw so much
work go into a phone call.
Are you being graded on it?
I want to be sure of every word.
Chip is a wonderful person.
Yes, yes.
Uh, darling, maybe you
have a little container
where I could put things in?
Your teeth?
My earrings.
My teeth are like a bulldog,
from eating hard bread,
and not junk like you.
Why don't you give that to me?
This is not junk.
No chemicals, no preservatives.
Just pure, natural ingredients.
Chocolate and caramel.
Hi. Oh! My robe fits
you perfectly, Mona.
Well, how's the bed?
Well, uh, not bad.
Some people, uh, like it soft.
But you don't?
Come on, Natalie,
let's get a bed board.
No, no, no, don't bother.
I could sleep on the floor.
She always says, "Don't bother."
Believe me, bother.
Well, this'll do the trick.
We'll just slide it
under the mattress
and you won't have
any... Mona? Mona?
Where is she?
She's on the floor. Grandma!
Oh, my God!
Yes? What are you doing?
My... my leg lifts.
It's good for the circulation.
You have no idea
what it's done for mine.
We got you. We
got you. Thank you.
Oh, my.
You know, Natalie, you
wouldn't puff so much either
if you did your exercises.
That's why I'm
always telling you...
I know, Grandma, you're
always telling me something.
Well now, let's just get
this under the mattress.
No, uh, uh, don't bother.
I'll... I'll take this bed.
It's... it's hard enough.
Well, now, Mona, if you're sure.
Sure, don't bother.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go back to the room.
The girls are experimenting
with new hairdos.
And I'm one of the girls.
Goodnight.
♪
"Chip, darling..."
♪
Grandma, that song.
All right, darling.
So... so I wouldn't sing.
Mmm. That face.
Grandma, don't. I
hate to be pinched.
Natalie, I'm tired,
and you're tired.
And it's time to go to
sleep. Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight.
Grandma?
Yeah. What is it?
I'm not tired. And this
is very important to me.
Oh, you mean,
uh, "Chip darling"?
Look, Natalie, if
you want my advice,
at your age I think just
"Chip" would be better.
Well, I really don't need
your advice, Grandma.
Relationships just aren't
like they were in your day.
I don't want to lose Chip.
So, if he gets lost,
there'll be another boy.
There's always another boy.
See, you just don't understand.
This is the boy.
There is no other boy.
Thanks to you, there
isn't even this one.
Why? W-what did I do?
You ruined my perfect weekend.
I was supposed to
meet him in New York.
But you said you were
staying here to study.
That was a lie?
I guess.
I can understand your
lying to your mother.
But lying to your
grandmother? Ho-ho.
Very nice.
All right, I lied.
You make such a big
deal out of everything.
Look, Natalie, a... a building
doesn't have to fall down on me.
If somebody doesn't
want me once,
I don't want them ten times.
You hate me.
Grandma, I don't hate you.
All right, so you love me.
You just hate to be with me.
Where are you going?
Never mind. Don't bother.
♪
Oh, hi, Mona. Can I help you?
No, darling. I was just fixing
myself some hot water with lemon.
But if I could borrow
a lemon somewhere...
Oh, sure, honey.
Oh, where's Natalie? She
could have fixed it for you.
Natalie is upstairs
and I'm down here.
And maybe it's better.
What happened?
I don't know. Natalie
isn't Natalie anymore.
I think she's too old for me.
She says...
She says that I
treat her like a baby.
Oh, well, I'm sure it's just
a little misunderstanding.
Well, no. No, it's a fight.
My granddaughter doesn't
want me to talk or sing
or even to pinch her anymore.
In the first place,
I don't go around saying,
"I think I'll pinch Natalie."
But somehow when I get
close to her it just happens.
I know, I know,
it's a reflex action.
You know, I still
muss my son's hair
and he's pushing 32.
Yes, it isn't easy to
be a grandmother.
I know. I mean, I wish I knew.
I've two sons who could
give me a grandchild.
But one of them's single
and the other one's lazy.
Mona, Mona, Mona.
Come on, let's make
ourselves comfortable.
Okay, yes. Mmm-hmm.
You know, I think
Rose Furillo was right.
Oh? Who's Rose Furillo?
Oh, she's an old
friend of mine. Up there.
I'm sorry.
I mean in the apartment
building, in 12-B.
Oh.
You know, she says kids
don't like to be with old people.
All they want from
their grandparents
is to keep an open
purse and a closed mouth.
I told her... I told her
my Natalie is not like that,
but I was wrong.
And Rose Furillo was right.
No, Mona, Rose
Furillo was not right.
Things are not like
they were in my days.
Bullfeathers.
No, the girls said
the same thing to me
and you've got
to call 'em on it.
There's absolutely nothing,
nothing that they're
going through today
that we haven't been
through ourselves.
Or heard about on Donahue.
Hi. Hi.
Well, look who's here,
the raiders of the lost ice box.
Au contraire,
we're just laying in some
supplies for the ski trip.
That face. It's amazing.
Isn't it?
Even with my hair up!
I mean, with that babushka
on, you look exactly like me.
Pardon?
I mean, a long time
ago when I was 16
in the Ukraine.
Oh, this is unreal.
Blair, it's... it's you.
Let me see.
You're right.
You were beautiful, Mona.
Thank you.
I remember taking this picture
as... as if it were yesterday.
Time flies by just like that.
That fast, huh?
Can I see that again?
Hey, Blair, you're gonna get old
just like everybody else.
That was taken in the war.
My father made me
wear a babushka,
so my long blonde hair
wouldn't attract the soldiers.
Oh.
You were in a war?
The armies were
fighting right in our village.
That must have been a nightmare.
Tell us about it.
No, darling, no.
War stories don't make
good bedtime stories.
We can take it.
We've all seen Dr. Zhivago.
Mrs. G in here?
Hey, where's your Grandma?
She's driving me crazy,
that's where she is.
Can you imagine a woman
of her age trying to tell me
how to run my love life?
Oh yeah, she's a
real troublemaker.
I'll tell you, you don't
want her, I'll take her.
'Cause I could use a grandma.
Oh, yeah, you're the type.
You'd just love having some
old lady give you advice,
pinch your cheeks,
worry that you're gonna
fall off your motorcycle.
Yeah, I can handle that.
At least grandmas don't look
for angles like other people.
I mean, they don't ask
for a thing from you.
All they want to do is love you.
I'll see you later.
You mean those crummy Bolsheviks
just rode through your village
like they owned the place?
It happened all the time.
First they burned all our hay
and then a mean
old-looking Cossack
started whipping my father.
How terrible.
I ran over to him, I said,
"You stop hurting my papa."
And then he put
a gun to my chest
and he said, "Lie down."
Cheeze, Louise.
And I said, "No, if you
want to kill me, I'll stand."
And he said, "I
don't want to kill you.
"I want something else."
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
I don't know,
without even thinking,
God must have
given me the strength,
I gave him such a push
that he fell down
over a milk stool
and I b-began to run
and... and I ran and
I ran and I ran and...
Until I hid in a cornfield.
And... and... and
he never found you?
No.
Oh, Mona, you're
lucky to be here.
And we're lucky
we weren't there.
Here's your locket, Mona.
Thanks for saying
I look like you.
I can't believe it's 60
years since I was this girl.
Lately I look in the mirror
and I say to myself,
"No, that's not me.
"How did I get into
that old person's body?"
Mona, you're not old.
Tell that to my doctor.
Maybe he'll let me
drink more cocoa
and less hot water with lemon.
♪
Excuse me. I was singing.
Tell me, Mona,
i-i-is that a song
about the war?
No, no, it's a love song.
My sweetheart
used to sing it to me.
Oh. What are the words?
I don't know if I remember
them. Lee me see.
♪
The night will hide
us, my secret love.
♪
We will not be seen by anyone.
♪
So meet me on the
bridge, my darling... ♪
♪ Where I will wait
for you, forever ♪
That's so romantic I could die.
But my father didn't
approve of my boyfriend.
He was from a
different background.
You mean, he wasn't Grandpa?
No. No, he was my first love.
Yeah. He became a soldier
and went through
the war and was killed,
and I thought my
heart would break.
But then I came to
America, and I met Grandpa.
So you see, Natalie,
when I say there's
always another boy
it's not that I
don't understand.
It's that I do understand.
Grandma, your life
is just so incredible.
Why didn't you
ever tell me about it?
You don't tell such
things to a child.
Grandma, I'm not
a child anymore.
Yes, I know, I know.
When you were meeting
that boy how old were you?
I was a woman. I was 15. Yeah.
So am I.
Yes, you're right.
When you get to be my age,
you get to be a
little far-sighted.
And you can't see clearly
the things that
are closest to you.
Maybe if I stop treating
you like an infant,
you could stop treating
me like an antique?
Grandma, you've
got yourself a deal.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪