The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 6 - Give and Take - full transcript

♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

And what about the
faculty dinners, Mr. Parker?

I plan those from soup
to nuts to dental floss.

Well, it isn't part of my job,

but I've never asked
for an extra penny.

Hmm. I don't
want to forget that.

I'd better write it down.

Uh, Mrs. Garrett, am I
interrupting anything important?



Yes. Oh, good. I knew
you'd want to hear my news.

Yours truly has been asked to
hostess the Art Club luncheon.

Uh, not now, Blair.

Of course I can
handle it, Mrs. Garrett,

but I am gonna need a
teensy weensy bit of help.

Hmm.

How teensy?

I just need you to
do a few minor things.

Fold a few napkins,
arrange a few flowers,

stuff a few capons.

Oh, you mean set the
table, decorate and cook.

Blair, I'm in the
middle of something.

Mrs. Garrett, hostessing this Art Club
luncheon is an honor and a responsibility.

Yes, it's an honor for you
and a responsibility for me.

I know, but all they really
want from me is my charm.

And can you blame them?

Mrs. G, my bike's got a flat

and there's this great
tire sale at Retread City.

You think you could
drive me to town?

Oh, not now, Jo.

I got to go see Mr. Parker
about a problem that's come up.

Oh, come on.
Mr. Parker can wait.

Maybe he can, but I can't.

I have an Art Club
luncheon to plan. Well...

Mrs. Garrett, what should I serve
with the capons, wild rice and petit pois?

A stomach pump.

Come on, we could've
been halfway to town by now.

What is with...

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm on a
deadline, Mrs. Garrett. I need your help.

Natalie, I'm on my way out.

Just a sec. Which
editorial is more relevant?

"Are Nice Girls Obsolete?"

Or "Gym Suits, Why Bother?"

Mrs. Garrett, please, could
I borrow you for a minute?

Tootie, I can't right now.

How's your Baked Alaska?

Fine. How's yours?

Or maybe Cherries Jubilee.

Would you gimme a break! We could
have been to the tire sale and back by now.

Mrs. Garrett, please, I have
to pin this for Home Ec class.

It'll only take a second.

Oh, Tootie, you'll have
to find another dummy.

I... I mean, well, I... I'm in
the middle of something.

And I have to see Mr. Parker.

And I'm on a deadline. I
need Mrs. Garrett's ear.

Well, you can have her
ear. All I want is her left side.

Girls, girls... I'm not
being selfish, Natalie.

I'm leaving now.

And I'm taking all
my parts with me.

Tootie, you'll just
have to wait your turn.

If we're taking
numbers, I was here first.

No, you weren't. I was.

And even if I wasn't, my
problem's the only serious one.

Who cares about your
half-baked Alaska?

This is a once-a-year tire sale.

Doesn't anyone understand the
meaning of the word "deadline"?

Mrs. Garrett, please,
just lend me your...

She's gone.

Where'd she go?

I don't know. Did she
have something to do?

She didn't say
anything about it to me.

I don't want to say anything

but disappearing like
that borders on rude.

Uh, and another thing I
want to mention, Mr. Parker,

the, uh, award banquets.

Oh, I already mentioned those.

Oh, just a minute.

Oh, uh, yes, the,
uh, faculty banquets.

As you know, I plan those
and I think they go very well.

I mean, nobody died.

Edna, please, don't grovel.

I'm sorry.

Edna, do you know what I
think of when I think of you?

No.

I think feisty, yes.

To me, Edna Garrett and
feisty are synonymous.

Now, you want a
raise, don't you?

Well, you deserve more money.

You're worth more money.

And as a member of the Eastland
family, you're entitled to more money.

But, Edna, come on,
give me some feist!

I deserve a raise.
I've earned it.

And as part of the Eastland
family, I'm entitled to it!

Oh, I can't tell you how good it
is to see that flash in your eyes.

Then I get the money!

No, no.

The budget's already been made up
and you got your cost of living raise.

That raise only covers the
cost of living if you don't do any.

Edna, you're pushing.

No, no. I'm feisting.

Mr. Parker, this is not
just a frivolous request.

I received this
in the mail today.

I worked for that
company a long time ago.

I thought I'd build up a
nice little pension fund.

As you can see,
they've gone bankrupt.

Oh, good Lord, Edna, they've lost
everything, even your pension fund.

Yeah.

It was supposed to be a
large portion of my nest egg

for when I retired.

Well, this must have come
as a terrible shock to you.

Yeah.

That's why I have
to hatch another egg.

I understand.

I wish I could help you, but,
Edna, my... my hands are tied.

The Board of Directors won't
let me spend one more penny.

Oh, but my future has
taken a turn for the desperate.

Hang tough, Edna.

You'll come up with something.

You always do.

What do I do if I don't?

Uh, excuse me, Princess Diana,

but do you think you
could give us a hand here?

In a minute.

What are you doing
with that cookbook?

I have to find a recipe
for stuffed capons.

Does anyone know
how this thing works?

It's a cookbook, Blair.

I know that.

I'm trying to find out
how to make capons.

Look under Poultry.

"Roasted capons."
Now, for stuffing,

you look under...

Under...

Wait, wait, wait. It's
on the tip of my tongue.

Stuffing, Blair. You
look under "Stuffing!"

Who doesn't know that?

How do you get through life?

It's not my fault.

I have to handle this Art
Club luncheon all by myself.

Mrs. Garrett isn't helping.

Why don't you just go
to Kentucky Colonel?

I mean, who's gonna
know? A chicken is a chicken.

They're capons.

What's the difference?

Breeding.

And $1.79 a pound.

If Mrs. Garrett doesn't
get down here soon,

we'll be eating our
dinner for breakfast.

Well, I don't want to be out
there when those girls show up

and there's nothing in
that steam tray but steam.

If those savages don't get
food, they'll tear us limb from limb.

The roast is done.

How can you tell?

It smells done.

What does "done" smell like?

Burnt.

Well, if it's done,
where's Mrs. Garrett?

Who knows.

She hasn't been anywhere
she's supposed to be lately.

I know.

Okay, last night I needed her
to proof-read my history report

and I couldn't find her.

You're lucky. This
morning I found her.

I asked her to
Scotchgard my white skirt.

She just looked
at me and went...

I took that as a no.

Yeah, she's really
been out of it lately.

I'm telling you, we could all turn
punk and she wouldn't notice it.

So then I asked her if I should
machine-wash my angora

and she looked at me and went...

I took that as a yes.

I mean, I can't believe
what she did to me.

You should see my sweater.

Every time I wear it, it looks like I
have a wet cat on my shoulders.

Uh, Tootie, turn off the buzzer.

I guess that means it's done.

If it's tough enough, I'll use
it as a spare tire for my bike.

Thanks to Mrs. Garret, I
missed the sale at Retread City.

Far be it for me to pass
judgment on people.

But lately our sensitive
and giving Mrs. Garrett isn't.

Maybe she's just
having a bad day.

Fine, what's her
excuse for yesterday?

And the day before.
And the day before that.

Biscuits. I gotta
take out the biscuits.

I just laid down
for a few minutes.

Funny how you lose track
of time when you're asleep.

I hope these biscuits
defrost for dinner.

I've got to get
the salad started.

Uh, have you figured out how we're gonna
get into that Brook Shields movie tonight?

It's R-rated.

I think so.

We'll need a responsible
adult to take us.

Tootie, will you go in the refrigerator
and get out the apple sauce?

Sure. Natalie, help me shred.

Sure.

So, what do you say? Will
you take us to the movies?

Uh, Mrs. Garrett,
I don't see it.

Oh, it's on the bottom
shelf on the left.

That's okay, Mrs. Garrett.
Take your time. Think about it.

Uh, Mrs. Garrett,

I looked on the bottom shelf
on the left. It's not in there.

It's there.

It is not! Do you wanna
come see for yourself?

See, Mrs. Garrett? I
told her it wasn't in there.

That bottom shelf on the left.

Blair, forget it!

What are we
talking about, really?

Six little birds and
a bowl of stuffing.

I'm not sticking my
hand into a dead chicken.

Dead capon! Dead capon!

How many times
do I have to tell you?

Girls, please.

So, have you thought
about it enough, Mrs. Garrett?

About what?

The movie! Will you
take us to the movies?

A movie? No.

Another no!

Mrs. Garrett, do
you believe her?

Will you tell her what she
can do with her stuffing?

I already have.

Oh, these biscuits are never
gonna defrost on their own.

There's a burnt log in my oven!

Oh, no!

Why didn't... Why
didn't the timer go off?

It did. You were upstairs.

Why didn't you
girls turn it off?

We did!

Not the alarm! The oven!

Mrs. Garrett, there's
something to be learned here.

Oh. What's that, Blair?

I feel like that roast.

Tough and shriveled?

Neglected.

This roast is symptomatic
of a much larger problem.

You weren't there for it and
you haven't been there for us.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

You're a wonderful person,
Mrs. Garrett, but face it,

you let us down.

I what?

But we're willing to
give you another chance.

Oh, gee, kids, thanks.

Mrs. Garrett, you just don't
understand what's going on here.

We've got a lot of problems and lately
you just haven't been sensitive to them.

Oh, that's it. That's
enough! I've had it!

Can't you girls speak in
anything but the first person?

"My party," "My
motorcycle," "My problem."

Well, I've got news for you.

The world does not
revolve around you.

No. Believe it or not, when you
leave a room, life does go on.

We know that. No, you don't.

When are you gonna
realize that other people

have lives of their
own and problems, too?

Even me.

That I'm not just your
problem-solver, your nursemaid?

Well, you gotta start taking care of
yourselves 'cause I won't do it anymore.

I just can't.

Boy!

Have you ever seen
Mrs. Garrett so upset?

I don't think so. I
would've remembered.

What did we do?

Oh, it couldn't have been us.

She must have some
kind of problem in her life.

Who knew she had problems?

Who knew she had a life?

I thought we were her life.

All right, she's got a problem.

But does she have
to take it out on us?

Yeah. She should watch it.

That temper of hers
could get her into trouble.

And how do you like that crack
about being "our nursemaid"?

If I were forced to
put a name on it,

I'd have to say she
was downright insulting.

Wait a minute, guys.

Maybe she's sick or something.

No. Nah.

You think so?

I mean, have you seen any
strange medicine bottles around?

I don't think so.

She could be seriously ill.

Girls, I, uh,

I'd like to say I'm
sorry I blew up at you.

That's okay, Mrs. Garrett.

We know you didn't
mean what you said.

Oh, I did.

I just didn't want
to say it so loudly.

Mrs. Garrett,

are you gonna die?

Well, honey,
we're all gonna die.

But, uh, I don't have
any immediate plans.

Then why are you
in such a bad mood?

I know, girls, I've been
cranky, irritable and tired lately.

Who noticed?

Well, there's a reason for it.

See, I've been working nights.

You're kidding. Doing what?

I'm night manager at the Howard
Johnson Restaurant out on the highway.

Why on earth would
you take a night job?

Well, I had what the government
calls a "monetary crisis."

Now, after three nights,
I'm having a sleep crisis.

Well, that explains a lot.

I know when I don't catch enough
Z's, I'm crankier then you are.

Cranky? You're downright ugly.

Girls, you don't understand.

You see, I...

Uh, come on, let's
get dinner ready, huh?

Mrs. Garrett, I'm afraid
you're overtaxing yourself.

I know.

I don't think I can keep
up this pace much longer.

Let's face it.

You're just gonna have
to give up that other job.

Or this one.

"Or this one"?

What does she
mean, "Or this one"?

She's just tired.

She wouldn't leave us.

She can't do that.

W-Well, we just won't let her.

Well, what are we supposed
to do? Chain her to the sink?

No.

We'll just have to make her
life easier for her. That's all.

How's the oatmeal? Almost ready.

Hot trays? In place.

Juice? Squozed.

Grapefruits?

Please, I'm concentrating.

Jo, how are the eggs?

All mashed.

Uh, you two do the toast.
I'll take care of the eggs.

Jo, you do the bacon.
You're good with grease.

Thank you.

Would you look at us!

It's like Santa's
workshop in here.

Busy, busy, busy.

My mother would be in shock.

Who would have thought we could
work together in such perfect harmony?

I guess it took Mrs. Garrett's
crisis to bring us together.

Yeah.

How much longer are we
gonna have to keep up this act?

Look, do you want Mrs.
Garrett to stay or don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I just didn't
think it was gonna be this hard.

Yeah, my hands are turning
red from the cherry juice.

Stop complaining.

I lost two fingernails
in the oatmeal.

Well, I'm having fun.

Well, I mean it's worth it if
it'll get Mrs. Garrett to stay.

Yeah, we don't wanna
break in anybody new.

I don't even want to
consider that possibility.

We'll just have to keep this up
until she's over her little problem.

Then everything will
be back to normal.

Oh, it's late. I'm sorry, I
overslept. Let's get cracking.

Blair, get down the oatmeal.

It's ready, Mrs. Garrett.

What?

I put in a box of raisins so if the
girls bite down on something hard,

they won't know it's a lump.

Wonderful.

I'll get the eggs started.

Uh, no, relax, Mrs.
G. I've taken care of it.

Well, the bacon... On the grill.

And the grapefruits
are finished.

Cherries in the middle,
just the way you do them.

And sectioned, too.

We did it all for you.

Why, girls...

Hey... I don't know what to say.

I think we went too far.

Maybe I shouldn't have
sectioned the grapefruit.

Mrs. Garrett, we know
what you're feeling.

No, you don't.

We do, we do.

You think we're
wonderful. And you're right.

Girls, I...

Mrs. G, you don't
have to say thank you,

you don't have to say anything.

Just say you're staying.

I can't.

She is too moved to talk.

Edna? Edna, what is this?

It looks like a kiddie menu
from Howard Johnson's.

It is a kiddie menu
from Howard Johnson's

with something scribbled on it.

It's my resignation.

I was tired, it was late, I
grabbed the closest thing.

Your resignation?

What do you mean?

I mean I have to pack
up my things and leave.

You can't leave.

Of course you
can't, we need you.

Who would handle
the alumni dinners?

Who would handle
the... the class picnics?

Who'd handle us?

Well, you'll have to
take care of yourselves

because I can't
hang on to two jobs.

I can't keep up with that pace.

Well, that's gratitude for you!

I got up an hour early. I
didn't even set my hair.

I mashed eggs and fried bacon.

I even took orders from
her! And you're leaving?

Doesn't sectioned grapefruit
mean anything to you?

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

I'm back to square
one with you girls!

Mrs. Garrett, we're
doing the best we can.

Edna, now listen to these girls,

listen to them, they'd
do anything for you.

They need you. They'd
be lost without you.

Edna, look,

look at these faces.

The man makes sense.

Mr. Parker, I
don't want to leave.

Well, then don't leave.

I have to. Why?

'Cause they'll pay me $400
a month more than you do.

That's a real chance
for a little security.

But, Edna, this is your home.

You've got your beautiful room,

you've got your beautiful
view, your privacy.

Privacy? What privacy?

All right, but you still
have your beautiful room.

Yes, and what's going to happen
to my beautiful room when I retire?

Retire? That's a long way off.

Oh, yeah. To you girls, summer
vacation is a long way off.

Look, the money I had put
away for my future is gone.

I won't have enough to live on.

If I don't earn more money now,

I'll end up sleeping
on a park bench.

Shh! Edna, you're scaring the
girls. She's just being dramatic.

I'm not being dramatic.
I'm being realistic.

Girls, you cannot go through
life thinking today is forever.

What's happening to me
could happen to anyone.

After a lifetime of hard work,

well, I just don't wanna
end up eating dog food.

Dog food? Really?

We don't even serve
that to our dogs.

She still is being
dramatic, isn't she?

No.

Mrs. Garrett, I can
help you. I really can!

We've got this real nice compound
behind Daddy's summer ranch in Texas.

The cook lives there
and my old nanny

and a couple of real
nice ranch hands.

We've got a swimming pool
and a rec hall. You'll fit in just fine.

Daddy'll never notice.

Is she crazy?

I'm just trying to be helpful.

I know you are, Blair.

But I've always made
my own way in the world.

I don't wanna live off anyone.

I know exactly how you feel.

I don't wanna lean
on anybody either.

I guess $400 a month
would make a big difference.

Yeah.

Mrs. Garrett,

take the other job.

We don't want
you to eat dog food.

Edna, you're not leaving.

Mr. Parker, that's selfish.

And we're experts on that.

Tootie, let's get a newspaper.

Mrs. Garrett's got
to find an apartment.

Come on, Nat, we'll get Mrs.
G's suitcases out of the basement.

No, wait a minute, didn't
anybody listen to me?

I just... I just said
she is not leaving.

Are you gonna
give her a hard time?

No. Not her. The
Board of Directors.

Now, we do a lot of talking
about being a family around here.

Well, it's time we put our
money where our mouth is.

And what if they
won't give her a raise?

Well, then they'll find two
resignations on their desk

and, uh, mine won't
be on a kiddie menu.

Mr. Parker, would
you really do that?

Just watch me.

Mr. Parker,

I never knew you had such

feist.

Maybe it's contagious.

Well, uh, excuse me, I have a
few, uh, phone calls to make.

Uh, hey, listen, um...

You know, if they
give you any trouble,

I know a couple
of guys in the city

who could come up and
convince them for you.

For a small fee.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪