The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 3 - A Baby in the House - full transcript
Blair's friend Allison disappears after visiting, leaving her baby in the girls' care.
♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
It's all set.
The Salade Nicoise is chilling,
the coq au vin is bubbling
and the chocolate
mousse is... Moussing.
I don't get it.
You invite your friend Alison up
here for lunch and she gets a feast.
When my friend Darlene comes from
the Bronx, all she gets is a Twinkie.
Well, this is an occasion.
It's the first time
Alison's had a chance
to come up and visit
since she got married.
I can't wait to see her baby.
I can't believe one of your
stuck-up friends actually had a baby.
I thought you had
people do that for you.
Jo, you're gonna love Alison.
Wanna bet?
Why do you always assume
the worst about my friends
before you even meet them?
I've found it saves time.
It's too bad you didn't
have a chance to meet her.
Alison left Eastland
just before you got here.
To marry the man she
loved and have his child.
The way I understand it, she
kind of got the order reversed.
We are not talking about two
kids in the back of a Chevy.
Alison and David are
from the best families,
well-educated, privileged...
No, you're right. Make
that the back of a Rolls.
Alison has everything.
A beautiful baby, a
gorgeous husband,
and a lovely condo her parents
bought her as a wedding present.
Oh, boy, times have
changed. All I got was a toaster.
Remember when Alison used
to sneak off to Cooper's Rock
just to watch the
sunrise? That was so neat.
And skinny-dipping in
the lake. What a pistol.
It'll be great having Alison
around this afternoon.
If only she weren't married, she could
go on that double date with me tonight.
Hey, you don't want me
to go? Fine, I won't go.
You can't back out now.
It's a charity dinner
at the Country Club.
Your name is already
printed on your nut cup.
Can't you find somebody else?
You gave me your word, Jo.
Isn't there some kind of "code
of the Bronx" or something?
All right, I'll go,
but remember,
it's a favor, not
a date. A favor.
Blairy Pie!
Alikins! How are you doing?
I'm gonna throw up.
Alison, you look wonderful.
Let me see that baby.
Mrs. Garrett, you're
not gonna believe this,
but I have been dreaming
about your banana bread.
Oh, well, you will not leave
here without that recipe today.
Oh, Emily is beautiful.
And you look great.
For an old mom.
Tootie, you've
grown so much. Oh!
Nat. Oh, it's so
good to be back.
We missed you, Alison.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
I was afraid, "out of school,
out of mind." Not you, Alison.
Oh, can I hold her,
Alison? I'll be really careful.
Of course. She loves
meeting new people.
Emily, say hi to Tootie.
Look, everyone, she's
smiling at me. She likes me.
I'm so excited!
You know, I actually got goosebumps
driving through the Eastland gates.
I just get a rash.
Oh, Alison, you haven't
met Jo Polniaczek.
Hi, Jo. Blair's told
me all about you.
Nice to meet you anyway.
Let me hold her
now. No, I just got her.
You've had her
forever! I have not!
Girls, girls, I'll just
have to settle this.
I... I... Oh, let me hold her.
Oh, look at her. She's so cute.
Oh. Oh.
There is no feeling in the
world like holding a baby.
Isn't it weird how all babies
look like Winston Churchill?
David said the same thing.
Here. Ahh.
How is David? Oh, just great.
He's very busy with
college and sports.
He's off with some
friends this weekend.
Well, what about you? Are you
planning to go back to school?
Just as soon as
Emily's a little older.
Right now, David's
education comes first.
It's a long way to med school.
Stand by your man.
It's really no sacrifice. I
love being home with Emily.
Oh, hey, the kid's kind of crinkling
up its face. You think it's okay?
Let's see.
Well, she's either hungry or working
on her impression of Don Rickles.
I'm gonna heat up her bottle.
Well, you know the way.
And after Emily eats, we eat.
Salade Nicoise,
coq au vin, and a
little chocolate mousse.
As long as you didn't fuss. Ahh!
Remember the time we sneaked
into Mr. Jenkins' classroom
and taped that Playgirl
centerfold to the movie screen?
The next morning all the kids were
expecting "History of the Light Bulb..."
And all they got was a flash.
Hey, Jo, you're really
missing it. Uh-huh.
Is Emily behaving herself? Oh,
yeah, she's having a great time.
Mrs. G's teaching her the
school song, in baby talk.
It must be fun
having your own baby.
Yeah, except you can't discuss politics
with her. She'll talk your ear off.
Okay, Ali, which dress would
I look more devastating in?
Well, what's the
theme of the evening?
Boredom.
Jo's going along.
As a favor. A favor!
Hey, remember the time when we
double-dated with those two townies?
I remember mine wasn't so bad.
A little unpolished,
maybe, but...
"Unpolished?" Try Neanderthal.
He ordered champagne, didn't he?
Sure, then he smashed the
bottle against his forehead.
Hey, you guys. Listen to this.
"My Favorite Things"
by Billy Dee Williams.
"Rainy days, puppies,
the color blue."
He's so deep.
Tootie hasn't been the same since
she saw The Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, I haven't seen it yet.
You haven't seen it?
The all-time movie freak?
I know. I've been meaning
to. I'll get around to it.
Has anyone seen my feather boa?
Oh, Blair, you are
so understated.
You are so lucky you don't have
to worry about dating anymore.
It's such a hassle.
Yeah, Alison. We can
only dream about Mr. Right,
but you've already found him.
Well, when you've
got it, you've got it.
Oh, look, it's after 6:00.
I'd better start back.
Ali, you just got here.
But you're going out soon.
Besides, David doesn't
like me driving after dark.
He doesn't like her
driving after dark.
Does he have a brother,
a cousin? I'll take anything.
Come on, Ali. We'll walk
you down to your car.
No, no, no. Alison, come on.
No, no.
Listen, you've got to get ready,
and you know how I
am about goodbyes.
Oh. Oh.
Bye-bye, Tootie! Bye!
Nice meeting you,
Jo. Nice meeting you.
Blairy Pie!
Alikins!
It was great seeing
you guys again.
Bye-bye ALL: See you later.
We better think
about getting ready.
I'm dressed.
Forget it, Blair. I am
not wearing that thing.
This "thing" is
genuine chinchilla.
You mean some animal was
actually killed to make that?
Of course not. Can't you
see it's grey? It died of old age.
Mrs. Garrett. Huh?
I am attempting to formalize
Jo's ensemble for tonight.
Well, where's Alison?
She left. What do you think?
Left? When?
About an hour ago.
What's the matter?
Did she forget to get
her banana bread recipe?
Yeah.
And she forgot something else.
I can't believe it! Alison
would not abandon her baby.
There must be a
reasonable explanation.
Here's your
reasonable explanation.
"I'm going away. Please
take care of Emily."
At least she left a note.
I'm sure it's not
the way it looks.
You don't know Alison.
But we do.
Remember when she and David
ducked out of the class picnic?
Lots of kids left that picnic.
For three days?
She could be halfway
to California by now.
Life's a bummer.
You go to sleep,
you've got a mother.
You wake up and
you're on your own.
Well, I tried to reach
Alison's husband. No answer.
He's away for the
weekend hang-gliding.
Well, I couldn't get through
to Alison's parents either.
Ah, they're away snorkeling.
Just your typical
all-American family.
Mrs. Garrett, what
are we gonna do?
Well, what we need now is
some sober, rational thinking.
And I... Oh!
We'll be sober and
rational tomorrow.
Tonight, tonight, we
have a very special guest.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, Mrs. Garrett, that means
you'll have to miss the movie.
That's all right, I'll find
someone else to take me.
And after I finish studying, I'll
come back and play with Emily.
Well, we'd better get ready, Jo.
We're running way
behind schedule. Come on.
Find you a ride.
Yoo-hoo! Just a second.
Uh, what exactly were you girls
planning to do about the baby?
Do?
I said I'd play with her
when I finished studying.
Well, as long as
she's in our house,
she's our responsibility.
All of us.
Mrs. Garrett, I don't have
any experience with babies.
Even my Tiny Tears dolls
were diapered by someone else.
And I was really looking
forward to tonight.
Well, maybe it'll be fun.
Yeah. After all, how much
trouble can one little baby be?
And so, Prince Charles, the
dashing heir to the English throne,
left his lovely,
but average bride
to marry Princess Blair.
And they lived
happily ever after.
Everyone's a critic.
Why don't we play
some of my records?
Forget it, Tootie. There are some
problems even Michael Jackson can't fix.
I know. There's a record that
makes sounds a baby hears
when it's in its mother's womb.
What?
It sounds like waves rolling
against the shore. It relaxes them.
Great. Great. Now the
baby's crying and seasick.
Well, maybe it's her diaper.
That can't be. Mrs. Garrett
just changed it an hour ago.
Blair, in Babyland,
an hour's a long time.
How am I supposed to pass this algebra
test if I'm playing nanny all night?
Did you check it to make
sure it's the right temperature?
Trust me. It's fine.
No! You have to
test it on your wrist,
or you might burn
little Emily's tongue.
So, how is it?
Natalie, would you go
heat up another bottle?
And please, clean up that mess.
"Natalie, go fix another bottle!
"Natalie, go clean up the mess!"
You know, you people are taking
advantage of my maternal instincts.
Well, what's the
verdict on the diaper?
Guilty as charged.
Great! Now what are we gonna do?
Change her.
How are you gonna do that?
I'll just have to wing it.
As soon as I can find
something to use for a diaper.
Forget it, Polniaczek.
Well, I'll find something.
Why isn't Mrs. Garrett
here when we need her?
Because she's
out buying diapers.
You ruined the last
two that Alison left.
I thought they
had to be sterilized.
Blair, you don't boil Pampers!
Here, do something with
this little care package.
Here, Natalie's pillow case.
Shaun Cassidy?
That's all I could find.
Natalie will have a fit.
Well, Shaun, meet
Emily. Emily, meet Shaun.
I've already tested it
so don't bother asking.
You can't give a
baby milk and cookies.
Cookies are for me.
I need something to help me
through the night. Do you mind?
There! That ought to hold you.
Oh, great, she's still crying.
Quick, give her the bottle!
She doesn't want it.
Can't somebody do something?
Will you cut that out!
Shaun.
Nat, take it easy.
How could you guys?
It was for a good
cause. You'll get it back.
I can't wait.
Oh, Mrs. G., I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to wake you.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
I couldn't sleep, so I
figured I'd check on Emily.
When my sons were small,
I used to wake up four, five
times a night just to check on them.
I think I stopped when
they were about 16.
You know, the
thing about babies is
they're so little.
Hello, fellow nursemaids.
Blair, what are you doing up?
Oh, I had a nightmare.
I dreamt Jo was trying to fit Emily
with little black motorcycle booties.
Hey, I'm really
sorry about all of this.
I've been up all night trying to
figure out a reasonable excuse
for what Alison did,
but there just isn't any.
What's going on? Is Emily okay?
Oh, she's just fine.
All of a sudden, I started
thinking about this TV show I saw.
It was about how babies stop
breathing in the middle of the night.
And Nat told me about
it and I started to worry.
Well, that's how
it is with a baby.
The responsibility
never shuts off.
I'll go heat up another
bottle. Don't forget to test it.
This time let's use your wrist.
Oh, Blairy Pie?
We got another little
care package here for you.
Well, I think I'll
make some cocoa.
If memory serves me correctly,
this could be a long night.
Thank you.
Well, uh, it's after 7:00.
Uh, can I interest anyone
in a little breakfast?
Not me. I'd fall
asleep in my oatmeal.
You hate oatmeal.
I'm on the edge here,
Tootie. Don't quibble.
Do you realize Emily woke
us up every two hours?
Hello, everybody.
Alison!
How's Emily? Emily who?
She's asleep.
I knew I left her in good hands.
Yeah, mine. They're still wet.
Alison, where have
you been all night?
Cooper's Rock.
Cooper's Rock?
I was standing in the hallway,
on my way to get Emily,
and all of a sudden, I
realized I was alone.
For the first time in
months I was alone.
The next thing I knew, I was in my car
and on my way to I don't know where.
Oh, that's perfect.
You know, Alison,
it used to be cute
when you'd take off on
one of your little adventures.
Everybody got a
real kick out of it.
Well, it isn't cute anymore.
It's irresponsible! Easy, Blair.
What kind of mother are you?
I am a good mother!
Does Emily look unhappy
to you? Or mistreated?
Who do you think is
responsible for her?
Who feeds her and bathes her?
It certainly isn't David.
He has college. It's me!
We all know being
a mother isn't easy.
You don't know, Blair.
You don't know
anything about it.
Your life is school
and friends and dances.
Well, I haven't
got time for school.
My friends have new friends
and I don't see too
many dances in my future.
Do you know what I
got for my 17th birthday?
A playpen.
It isn't that I wish
Emily hadn't been born.
I love my daughter.
I just wish that
she'd been born later.
I know, honey.
I guess seeing you all here,
I realized how
much I missed things.
Dumb things like
hanging out in the lounge.
Or gym class.
Daydreaming about
what my life will be.
Alison, Alison, I know
that you've taken on a
lot of responsibility early,
but that doesn't mean
you can't still dream.
You've got a lot
of life ahead of you.
Ali,
maybe you and Emily
could spend the day here.
Well, that's a wonderful idea.
I'd really like to.
But I've got a ton of things
to do before David gets back.
I'd better get my daughter.
I'll get her for you.
Alison, if you can't come
to me, I'll come to you.
The next time I'm in New York,
maybe we could
take Emily to the park.
No, we'll take her shopping.
Has she been to
Bloomingdale's yet?
Blair, she's six months old.
You're never too young
for Bloomingdale's.
Here she is, Alison.
Fed, rested and temporarily dry.
Hi, sweetheart. I
really missed you.
I did, you know.
Oh, here. We laid in a fresh
supply of diapers for the road.
Oh, thank you.
Hey,
don't worry about us.
We'll be terrific.
I think I just needed
a last look back.
Blairy Pie.
Alikins.
Bye.
It's gonna be a beautiful day.
Now, what are you
girls going to do with it?
I've got some work
to do on my bike.
I've gotta study.
There's a matinee
this afternoon.
What are you going to do, Blair?
I don't know, Mrs. Garrett.
That's what's so
great about Sundays.
You don't have to do anything.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
It's all set.
The Salade Nicoise is chilling,
the coq au vin is bubbling
and the chocolate
mousse is... Moussing.
I don't get it.
You invite your friend Alison up
here for lunch and she gets a feast.
When my friend Darlene comes from
the Bronx, all she gets is a Twinkie.
Well, this is an occasion.
It's the first time
Alison's had a chance
to come up and visit
since she got married.
I can't wait to see her baby.
I can't believe one of your
stuck-up friends actually had a baby.
I thought you had
people do that for you.
Jo, you're gonna love Alison.
Wanna bet?
Why do you always assume
the worst about my friends
before you even meet them?
I've found it saves time.
It's too bad you didn't
have a chance to meet her.
Alison left Eastland
just before you got here.
To marry the man she
loved and have his child.
The way I understand it, she
kind of got the order reversed.
We are not talking about two
kids in the back of a Chevy.
Alison and David are
from the best families,
well-educated, privileged...
No, you're right. Make
that the back of a Rolls.
Alison has everything.
A beautiful baby, a
gorgeous husband,
and a lovely condo her parents
bought her as a wedding present.
Oh, boy, times have
changed. All I got was a toaster.
Remember when Alison used
to sneak off to Cooper's Rock
just to watch the
sunrise? That was so neat.
And skinny-dipping in
the lake. What a pistol.
It'll be great having Alison
around this afternoon.
If only she weren't married, she could
go on that double date with me tonight.
Hey, you don't want me
to go? Fine, I won't go.
You can't back out now.
It's a charity dinner
at the Country Club.
Your name is already
printed on your nut cup.
Can't you find somebody else?
You gave me your word, Jo.
Isn't there some kind of "code
of the Bronx" or something?
All right, I'll go,
but remember,
it's a favor, not
a date. A favor.
Blairy Pie!
Alikins! How are you doing?
I'm gonna throw up.
Alison, you look wonderful.
Let me see that baby.
Mrs. Garrett, you're
not gonna believe this,
but I have been dreaming
about your banana bread.
Oh, well, you will not leave
here without that recipe today.
Oh, Emily is beautiful.
And you look great.
For an old mom.
Tootie, you've
grown so much. Oh!
Nat. Oh, it's so
good to be back.
We missed you, Alison.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
I was afraid, "out of school,
out of mind." Not you, Alison.
Oh, can I hold her,
Alison? I'll be really careful.
Of course. She loves
meeting new people.
Emily, say hi to Tootie.
Look, everyone, she's
smiling at me. She likes me.
I'm so excited!
You know, I actually got goosebumps
driving through the Eastland gates.
I just get a rash.
Oh, Alison, you haven't
met Jo Polniaczek.
Hi, Jo. Blair's told
me all about you.
Nice to meet you anyway.
Let me hold her
now. No, I just got her.
You've had her
forever! I have not!
Girls, girls, I'll just
have to settle this.
I... I... Oh, let me hold her.
Oh, look at her. She's so cute.
Oh. Oh.
There is no feeling in the
world like holding a baby.
Isn't it weird how all babies
look like Winston Churchill?
David said the same thing.
Here. Ahh.
How is David? Oh, just great.
He's very busy with
college and sports.
He's off with some
friends this weekend.
Well, what about you? Are you
planning to go back to school?
Just as soon as
Emily's a little older.
Right now, David's
education comes first.
It's a long way to med school.
Stand by your man.
It's really no sacrifice. I
love being home with Emily.
Oh, hey, the kid's kind of crinkling
up its face. You think it's okay?
Let's see.
Well, she's either hungry or working
on her impression of Don Rickles.
I'm gonna heat up her bottle.
Well, you know the way.
And after Emily eats, we eat.
Salade Nicoise,
coq au vin, and a
little chocolate mousse.
As long as you didn't fuss. Ahh!
Remember the time we sneaked
into Mr. Jenkins' classroom
and taped that Playgirl
centerfold to the movie screen?
The next morning all the kids were
expecting "History of the Light Bulb..."
And all they got was a flash.
Hey, Jo, you're really
missing it. Uh-huh.
Is Emily behaving herself? Oh,
yeah, she's having a great time.
Mrs. G's teaching her the
school song, in baby talk.
It must be fun
having your own baby.
Yeah, except you can't discuss politics
with her. She'll talk your ear off.
Okay, Ali, which dress would
I look more devastating in?
Well, what's the
theme of the evening?
Boredom.
Jo's going along.
As a favor. A favor!
Hey, remember the time when we
double-dated with those two townies?
I remember mine wasn't so bad.
A little unpolished,
maybe, but...
"Unpolished?" Try Neanderthal.
He ordered champagne, didn't he?
Sure, then he smashed the
bottle against his forehead.
Hey, you guys. Listen to this.
"My Favorite Things"
by Billy Dee Williams.
"Rainy days, puppies,
the color blue."
He's so deep.
Tootie hasn't been the same since
she saw The Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, I haven't seen it yet.
You haven't seen it?
The all-time movie freak?
I know. I've been meaning
to. I'll get around to it.
Has anyone seen my feather boa?
Oh, Blair, you are
so understated.
You are so lucky you don't have
to worry about dating anymore.
It's such a hassle.
Yeah, Alison. We can
only dream about Mr. Right,
but you've already found him.
Well, when you've
got it, you've got it.
Oh, look, it's after 6:00.
I'd better start back.
Ali, you just got here.
But you're going out soon.
Besides, David doesn't
like me driving after dark.
He doesn't like her
driving after dark.
Does he have a brother,
a cousin? I'll take anything.
Come on, Ali. We'll walk
you down to your car.
No, no, no. Alison, come on.
No, no.
Listen, you've got to get ready,
and you know how I
am about goodbyes.
Oh. Oh.
Bye-bye, Tootie! Bye!
Nice meeting you,
Jo. Nice meeting you.
Blairy Pie!
Alikins!
It was great seeing
you guys again.
Bye-bye ALL: See you later.
We better think
about getting ready.
I'm dressed.
Forget it, Blair. I am
not wearing that thing.
This "thing" is
genuine chinchilla.
You mean some animal was
actually killed to make that?
Of course not. Can't you
see it's grey? It died of old age.
Mrs. Garrett. Huh?
I am attempting to formalize
Jo's ensemble for tonight.
Well, where's Alison?
She left. What do you think?
Left? When?
About an hour ago.
What's the matter?
Did she forget to get
her banana bread recipe?
Yeah.
And she forgot something else.
I can't believe it! Alison
would not abandon her baby.
There must be a
reasonable explanation.
Here's your
reasonable explanation.
"I'm going away. Please
take care of Emily."
At least she left a note.
I'm sure it's not
the way it looks.
You don't know Alison.
But we do.
Remember when she and David
ducked out of the class picnic?
Lots of kids left that picnic.
For three days?
She could be halfway
to California by now.
Life's a bummer.
You go to sleep,
you've got a mother.
You wake up and
you're on your own.
Well, I tried to reach
Alison's husband. No answer.
He's away for the
weekend hang-gliding.
Well, I couldn't get through
to Alison's parents either.
Ah, they're away snorkeling.
Just your typical
all-American family.
Mrs. Garrett, what
are we gonna do?
Well, what we need now is
some sober, rational thinking.
And I... Oh!
We'll be sober and
rational tomorrow.
Tonight, tonight, we
have a very special guest.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, Mrs. Garrett, that means
you'll have to miss the movie.
That's all right, I'll find
someone else to take me.
And after I finish studying, I'll
come back and play with Emily.
Well, we'd better get ready, Jo.
We're running way
behind schedule. Come on.
Find you a ride.
Yoo-hoo! Just a second.
Uh, what exactly were you girls
planning to do about the baby?
Do?
I said I'd play with her
when I finished studying.
Well, as long as
she's in our house,
she's our responsibility.
All of us.
Mrs. Garrett, I don't have
any experience with babies.
Even my Tiny Tears dolls
were diapered by someone else.
And I was really looking
forward to tonight.
Well, maybe it'll be fun.
Yeah. After all, how much
trouble can one little baby be?
And so, Prince Charles, the
dashing heir to the English throne,
left his lovely,
but average bride
to marry Princess Blair.
And they lived
happily ever after.
Everyone's a critic.
Why don't we play
some of my records?
Forget it, Tootie. There are some
problems even Michael Jackson can't fix.
I know. There's a record that
makes sounds a baby hears
when it's in its mother's womb.
What?
It sounds like waves rolling
against the shore. It relaxes them.
Great. Great. Now the
baby's crying and seasick.
Well, maybe it's her diaper.
That can't be. Mrs. Garrett
just changed it an hour ago.
Blair, in Babyland,
an hour's a long time.
How am I supposed to pass this algebra
test if I'm playing nanny all night?
Did you check it to make
sure it's the right temperature?
Trust me. It's fine.
No! You have to
test it on your wrist,
or you might burn
little Emily's tongue.
So, how is it?
Natalie, would you go
heat up another bottle?
And please, clean up that mess.
"Natalie, go fix another bottle!
"Natalie, go clean up the mess!"
You know, you people are taking
advantage of my maternal instincts.
Well, what's the
verdict on the diaper?
Guilty as charged.
Great! Now what are we gonna do?
Change her.
How are you gonna do that?
I'll just have to wing it.
As soon as I can find
something to use for a diaper.
Forget it, Polniaczek.
Well, I'll find something.
Why isn't Mrs. Garrett
here when we need her?
Because she's
out buying diapers.
You ruined the last
two that Alison left.
I thought they
had to be sterilized.
Blair, you don't boil Pampers!
Here, do something with
this little care package.
Here, Natalie's pillow case.
Shaun Cassidy?
That's all I could find.
Natalie will have a fit.
Well, Shaun, meet
Emily. Emily, meet Shaun.
I've already tested it
so don't bother asking.
You can't give a
baby milk and cookies.
Cookies are for me.
I need something to help me
through the night. Do you mind?
There! That ought to hold you.
Oh, great, she's still crying.
Quick, give her the bottle!
She doesn't want it.
Can't somebody do something?
Will you cut that out!
Shaun.
Nat, take it easy.
How could you guys?
It was for a good
cause. You'll get it back.
I can't wait.
Oh, Mrs. G., I'm sorry. I
didn't mean to wake you.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
I couldn't sleep, so I
figured I'd check on Emily.
When my sons were small,
I used to wake up four, five
times a night just to check on them.
I think I stopped when
they were about 16.
You know, the
thing about babies is
they're so little.
Hello, fellow nursemaids.
Blair, what are you doing up?
Oh, I had a nightmare.
I dreamt Jo was trying to fit Emily
with little black motorcycle booties.
Hey, I'm really
sorry about all of this.
I've been up all night trying to
figure out a reasonable excuse
for what Alison did,
but there just isn't any.
What's going on? Is Emily okay?
Oh, she's just fine.
All of a sudden, I started
thinking about this TV show I saw.
It was about how babies stop
breathing in the middle of the night.
And Nat told me about
it and I started to worry.
Well, that's how
it is with a baby.
The responsibility
never shuts off.
I'll go heat up another
bottle. Don't forget to test it.
This time let's use your wrist.
Oh, Blairy Pie?
We got another little
care package here for you.
Well, I think I'll
make some cocoa.
If memory serves me correctly,
this could be a long night.
Thank you.
Well, uh, it's after 7:00.
Uh, can I interest anyone
in a little breakfast?
Not me. I'd fall
asleep in my oatmeal.
You hate oatmeal.
I'm on the edge here,
Tootie. Don't quibble.
Do you realize Emily woke
us up every two hours?
Hello, everybody.
Alison!
How's Emily? Emily who?
She's asleep.
I knew I left her in good hands.
Yeah, mine. They're still wet.
Alison, where have
you been all night?
Cooper's Rock.
Cooper's Rock?
I was standing in the hallway,
on my way to get Emily,
and all of a sudden, I
realized I was alone.
For the first time in
months I was alone.
The next thing I knew, I was in my car
and on my way to I don't know where.
Oh, that's perfect.
You know, Alison,
it used to be cute
when you'd take off on
one of your little adventures.
Everybody got a
real kick out of it.
Well, it isn't cute anymore.
It's irresponsible! Easy, Blair.
What kind of mother are you?
I am a good mother!
Does Emily look unhappy
to you? Or mistreated?
Who do you think is
responsible for her?
Who feeds her and bathes her?
It certainly isn't David.
He has college. It's me!
We all know being
a mother isn't easy.
You don't know, Blair.
You don't know
anything about it.
Your life is school
and friends and dances.
Well, I haven't
got time for school.
My friends have new friends
and I don't see too
many dances in my future.
Do you know what I
got for my 17th birthday?
A playpen.
It isn't that I wish
Emily hadn't been born.
I love my daughter.
I just wish that
she'd been born later.
I know, honey.
I guess seeing you all here,
I realized how
much I missed things.
Dumb things like
hanging out in the lounge.
Or gym class.
Daydreaming about
what my life will be.
Alison, Alison, I know
that you've taken on a
lot of responsibility early,
but that doesn't mean
you can't still dream.
You've got a lot
of life ahead of you.
Ali,
maybe you and Emily
could spend the day here.
Well, that's a wonderful idea.
I'd really like to.
But I've got a ton of things
to do before David gets back.
I'd better get my daughter.
I'll get her for you.
Alison, if you can't come
to me, I'll come to you.
The next time I'm in New York,
maybe we could
take Emily to the park.
No, we'll take her shopping.
Has she been to
Bloomingdale's yet?
Blair, she's six months old.
You're never too young
for Bloomingdale's.
Here she is, Alison.
Fed, rested and temporarily dry.
Hi, sweetheart. I
really missed you.
I did, you know.
Oh, here. We laid in a fresh
supply of diapers for the road.
Oh, thank you.
Hey,
don't worry about us.
We'll be terrific.
I think I just needed
a last look back.
Blairy Pie.
Alikins.
Bye.
It's gonna be a beautiful day.
Now, what are you
girls going to do with it?
I've got some work
to do on my bike.
I've gotta study.
There's a matinee
this afternoon.
What are you going to do, Blair?
I don't know, Mrs. Garrett.
That's what's so
great about Sundays.
You don't have to do anything.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪