The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 24 - Read No Evil - full transcript

♪ (THE FACTS OF LIFE
THEME SONG PLAYING)

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

WOMAN ON TV: I hate you, Richard!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

(SIGHS)

She loves him.

She does?

You're not paying
attention, Geri.

I thought you wanted to do a
routine on soap operas for your act.

I do,



but I can't keep track of who's
doing what to who and how often.

Invest some time.
You'll get the hang of it.

Didn't you say that
before you'd watch a soap

that you'd rather run
naked through K-Mart?

That was before I got the flu,

and spent a whole glorious
week Searching for Tomorrow.

Well, it's down to
these last two patterns

for my new curtains.

I'm kind of
partial to the print.

It's so up.

But the solid's
pretty too. It's so blue.

What do you think?

MAN ON TV: That must
be the hardest thing... Hmm.

Thanks for your input.

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

You know, they're never
gonna let us in the library again.

I was upset! You didn't
have to yell like that.

A library is like a church.

You're supposed to
be peaceful and quiet!

Shh.

Take a hike.

Look, Natalie, we
both know it stinks,

but there's nothin'
you can do about it.

What's the problem, Natalie?

Please, don't get her started.

Okay, I'm in the library.

Too late.

And I'm doing some
research on a paper, right?

Okay.

So I go to the shelf to get
last month's Ms. Magazine.

And it isn't there.

So?

So, I go to the desk

and ask Miss Muldoon
if it was checked out.

She tells me the subscription
to Ms. was cancelled.

Isn't that strange?

A little, considering all the
feminists we have on campus.

That's what I said.

Then she tells me that certain
elements of Ms. Magazine

were considered offensive.

Offensive?

That's what I said.

Then I find out that books have
been taken out of the library, too.

For re-evaluation.

What does that mean?
I'll tell you it means.

Censorship? That's what I said.

(SIGHING) Commercial.

Welcome back
to the world, Blair.

Are you sure about this?

If you're thinking about
checking out any of these books,

forget it.

The Fixer,

Catch 22, and
Slaughterhouse-Five?

Slaughterhouse-Five, I wrote
my term paper on that last year.

It was brilliant.

That was a good book.

I was talking about
my term paper.

Well, nobody's gonna be
writing about it this year.

How come?
Because it's offensive.

Sounds like book banning to me.

Isn't that illegal?

Or at least a "Ms." demeanor.

Get it? "Ms." de...

Well, I know it happens
in a lot of other places,

but I never thought
it would happen here.

If those books were
taken out of Eastland,

I'm sure it was
for a good reason.

Of course it was.

This school has only the
highest academic standards

and finest traditions
since 1867.

Didn't you read the brochure?

Besides, if you can't
get a book in a library,

you could always go
into town and buy it.

Or wait for the
movie to come out.

No, no, that's not the point.

It's just that with all the
stuff we have to read,

what's a few less books?

Nice attitude, Tootie.

What did I do?

This is America!

Books are ideas and ideas
have the right to circulate.

Think of the First Amendment.

Freedom of expression,
freedom of thought.

Does this speech
come with apple pie?

Hey, if you guys are thinking
about a petition, I'll sign.

A petition? You're not
a student here, Geri.

Yeah, but I'm
against censorship.

Blair, I'm a performer.

I don't want people throwing
tomatoes at me before I tell the jokes.

WOMAN ON TV: Oh,
Richard, Richard, Richard...

Well, I'm going right to the
library and talk to Miss Muldoon.

Don't waste your time, Mrs. G.

You know the way things
are. You can't beat the system.

Jo,

if something's going on here that I
feel is wrong, I have to speak out.

It's a responsibility,
not an option.

You see, Jo? We can't
take this lying down.

That's right.

What are you gonna do about it?

What?

Why, Natalie, you're the
editor of the school paper.

Print headlines,
write editorials,

take it to the people,
make some noise,

make a lot of noise!

Mrs. Garrett, you're
making a lot of noise.

Well, there's plenty more
where that came from.

Forget my strudel, Mr. Parker.

This is serious!

Edna, you're overreacting.

Now, trust me,

a few books being removed from
the library is hardly cause for panic.

Now, what follows
vanilla extract?

It was four books.

Four!

And I'm not the
only one who's upset.

Our librarian has been
trained to make book selections

and suddenly people
without qualifications

are overriding her decisions.

Okay, now, I've got three
large apples, two cups of flour.

Mr. Parker, something
alarming is happening here

and you don't seem concerned.

I am concerned.

If I don't bring home the secret
to your strudel, my wife will kill me.

Edna, a decision was
made by the board of trustees

to re-evaluate certain books.

I support that decision.

How can you?

I know how you feel about this.

There are other
factors involved here.

Such as?

You just don't understand
what we're facing.

Well, then explain it to me.

Explain how books that have
been in this library for years,

suddenly have become offensive?

All right, picture yourself in a
room filled with angry people

shouting about
immoral influences

and accusing you of
corrupting their children.

How long has that been going on?

Over a year.

At first the board
resisted. I resisted.

Last month,

this group threatened to take
their children out of Eastland.

So, we compromised.

You mean, you sold out.

Well, that's easy
for you to say.

What would you do if parents started
to pull their children out of school?

Would it make any
difference what books were

in the library if the
doors were closed?

That won't happen.

Oh, Edna, stop being so naive.

You should read some of
the letters I've been getting

from parents demanding
changes in curriculum,

in textbooks, in staff!

And in the face of all that

we should consider
ourselves lucky

that we only lost four books.

This time.

What are you gonna have to
give up next month, Mr. Parker?

Hmm?

You're just going to have to
trust that what we are doing

is best for the school.

What about just doing
what you believe is right?

Edna, this is a private school.

We have to be
responsive to the parents.

Now, uh, how many
eggs did you say?

But this is just one group.

Just one?

Oh, two eggs. One
group of parents.

Yes, but those are the parents
who attend every board meeting.

They call my office.
They write letters.

Hmm, yeah, that's what happens.

The wheel that squeaks the
loudest always gets the oil.

Come on, Edna, you
know they've got a point.

I mean, you've read
parts of Vonnegut, Joyce.

Yes,

and so have hundreds
of other Eastland students.

It's a complicated
world out there.

And what we teach these girls is
supposed to help prepare them for it.

Isn't that our job?

I am well aware of what my
job is, Mrs. Garrett, and yours.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I think it's the headmaster
who determines school policy,

and not the dietician!

Now, how many cups of sugar?

Guess.

I care about this school.

Do you?

Then don't aggravate
an already tense situation,

because in the long run,

we could lose a lot
more than four books.

You're asking me to keep silent
about something I believe is wrong.

No, I am asking you
to put this school first.

Edna, I need your cooperation.

How's this for
eloquence, Mrs. Garrett?

"Fellow students, the
handwriting is on the wall.

"Only in a few years,

"no one will be
allowed to read it."

That's wonderful, Natalie.

That's all I get?

Well, I said that was wonderful.

That wasn't a very
good "wonderful."

Give it some more Lawrence Welk.

I'll do better next time, huh?

Mrs. Garrett,

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON TV) I
can understand why these TV junkies

don't appreciate me, but you?

I do appreciate you, Natalie.

I'm very impressed
with what you're doing.

Then let me bounce
something off you.

I was thinking of printing
excerpts of the banned books.

You'll do the right thing.

That's bouncing?

Hi, everybody. Hey.

Okay, I'm leavin'. Mmm-hmm.

I've got to get back to New
York before my plants die.

Shh. Mavis is about to announce
her engagement to Father Flaherty.

Let them die.
I've gotta see this.

Mrs. Garrett,

whatever happened to the
old "Go get 'em, give them heck,

"take it to the
streets"? That was you.

No, I think that was
the Doobie Brothers.

Natalie,

in some cases

it's best to step
back from a problem,

you know?

And maybe the problem
will work itself out.

(SIGHING)

Bad move for Father Flaherty.

Can you imagine how difficult
life will be for a married priest?

At least he'll be able to
hear his own confessions.

Uh, hey, Nat, you got a minute?

Oh, I got five. Then I have to go down
to the paper. I have to proof some copy.

You don't have to do that.

Oh, sure I do.

Nobody said being
an editor was easy.

It's an inky job, but
somebody has to do it.

Natalie, you're not
the editor anymore.

What?

The faculty advisor was
looking for you down at the paper.

I guess he figured the news
would be easier coming from me.

Easier for him, the creep.

I don't understand.

What reason did he give?

He said something about
giving other students a chance.

That's a lot of bull.

Nat's book editorial just made
things too hot for everybody.

So now they're
cooling things off.

They wanted to put a gag
on Natalie and they did.

Natalie, I'm sorry.

Just like that.

They can't do that,
can they, Mrs. Garrett?

Sure they can. You're a kid.

They want you to be quiet,
they just tell you to shut up.

And when you're an adult,

they ask you to cooperate.

WOMAN ON TV: Oh, there'll never
be anyone but you for me, Richard.

I love you more than life.

That's why I'm
marrying your brother.

Nat, how can you just sit
there and watch television?

Richard is very upset.

Natalie, you should be upset.

You're the one who
lost your job as editor.

Doesn't that make you angry?

Don't you wanna do
something about it?

This gal is done doing.

From now on I will stand on
the sidelines and mellow out.

It's much safer that way.

Okay, you guys,
get ready for this.

Guess who was just appointed
editor of the Eastlander?

Who cares?

Buffy Kline.

Buffy the boring?

Buffy the bungling?

Buffy the bozo?

Good choice.

I cannot take orders

from someone named Buffy.

Why'd they pick her for the job?

Because she's uncontroversial.

She's unconscious.

But hey, if it's their choice.

Natalie, now
this isn't like you.

That's because
this is the new me.

From now on, I will be known
as Natalie "No Comment" Green.

Nat, how can you say that?

No comment.

Come on. What happened
to our crusading editor?

She got canned, axed,

eighty-sixed, sacked,
should I go on?

We gotta get together on
this. We can't just let it happen.

It's already happened.
Just like you said,

"You can't beat the system."

But, that was before
it got personal.

Nat, you're involved,
so we're involved.

Look, guys, I
appreciate the concern,

but I'm through getting
into fights I can't win.

But you can win.

My parents do it
all the time in court.

Did I ever tell you
about the little old man

who sued the entire
city of Washington DC?

Not the little old
man story again.

That's right.

They wanted to put a superhighway
through his vegetable garden.

I thought the man lost.

He did. But he kept them
tied up in court for months.

Just long enough
for the harvest.

Tootie, your parents are
lawyers. We're just kids.

What can a bunch of kids do?

Plenty. Did you ever
read Lord of the Flies?

But the kids in that
book killed each other.

Kids will be kids.

Come on, Nat.
You gotta get angry.

I got angry.

Mrs. Garrett, would you
talk to Natalie, please?

"Talk to Natalie,
talk to Natalie."

Can't you understand
I don't wanna talk?

Jo.

Thank you!

Can I talk to you?

Natalie, I know how
hurt and angry you are

about losing your job.

Who me?

Well, I'm angry, too.

Mostly at myself.

What did you do?

I didn't do enough.

Oh, I encouraged you
to write that editorial.

I talked about
responsibility, commitment,

but when push came to shove,

I didn't shove back.

You just thought things
would work themselves out.

Well, things don't
work themselves out.

People have to do that.

This people.

What are you gonna do?

What I should have
done in the first place.

The monthly board
meeting is next week.

Mr. Parker will be there,
the parents will be there,

and I'll be there.

Mrs. Garrett,
let's not be hasty.

It's gonna be just
you against all of them.

Yeah. Well, I can
be pretty tough

when I'm fighting for
something I believe in.

Besides,

what's the worst that
could happen? Hmm?

They'll put you on a spit and
roast you over an open fire.

I was hoping for something
a little less graphic.

How's this?

They could fire you.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm sure the Smiths are coming.

Oh, good. Are the
Pattersons here yet?

Uh, they will be. We ran into
them at the theater last week

and we discussed that Studs
Terkel book Kathy's class was reading.

Oh, yes. What's
the name of that?

Uh, Working.

Right, thank you.

Anyway, I said to Bob,

"I read that book, and I'd
love my Kathy to read it."

When she's 35 and it
can't do any damage.

It's a simple matter of keeping

improper values
out of the classroom.

She means filth.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I'm dead.

Excuse me, is this where
the board is meeting?

Yes, it is.

Good. All those brick
buildings look alike.

Are you here about the books?

I most certainly am.

This has to be
settled once and for all.

Now, just a minute.

I have very strong feelings
about these offensive books.

Offensive, my foot.

You're talking
about book banning,

and I think it's outrageous.

Right.

We're on the same side!

I have a few choice
words for the board.

So does my husband
if he ever gets here.

He doesn't know his way
around the campus very well.

We never seem to get
up here to these things.

I'm Betty Schuster.

Oh, Linda's mother. Hello. Yes.

Oh, I... I'm Edna Garrett,
the school dietician.

So nice to meet you.

You know, we love this school.

Our youngest daughter will
be starting here next term.

And that's why we got so upset

when we got that newsletter.

Mmm.

N-Newsletter?

I've got one. Right here.

Oh, you made it.

We'll talk later, Mrs. Garrett.

Hey there, Mrs. G.

Hey, girls, what
are you doing here?

(IMITATING COWBOY) We heard
there was a board meetin' at sundown.

You didn't think we were
gonna let you go in there alone?

She's overwhelmed.

I am.

Hey, where'd you
get the newsletter?

Mrs. Schuster gave it to me.

Oh, girls, it's so good to see

there are more important
things in your lives than

"Richard, Richard, Richard."

How did you know we did this?

Oh, your style is
unmistakable, Natalie.

Yeah.

Buffy Kline, eat your heart out.

We had to do something.

We figured the parents should at
least know what's going on up here.

So, we printed up a
list of the banned books

and Nat's editorial.

"Signed, your ex-editor."

And mailed copies to
all the Eastland parents.

Wait till Mr. Parker
gets the Xerox bills.

And we put each of the
letters into an envelope

marked "Notice of expulsion,"

so they'd be sure and be opened.

Nice touch.

It's always been my opinion

that an informed majority
doesn't stay silent for long.

Of course, now that they're talkin',
who knows what they're gonna say.

Well, we won't know
until we get in there.

Be prepared, girls.

Hello, fellow activists.

My mother should
be arriving any minute.

She likes to be fashionably
late, even to board meetings.

You mean, your mother's coming
all the way from Manhattan, Blair?

And my mom and Nat's folks.

And my Dad's flying
in from Washington.

Mother's picking them
all up in our limousine.

She's driving a limo
through my neighborhood?

Of course.

They're never gonna get here.

Well, girls, I don't
know what to say.

Mrs. Garrett, this
whole experience

reminds me of
the little old man...

Will you stop with
the little old man?

(CHATTERING)

Well, we better go in
and save some seats.

I know my mother. If
she's going to take a stand,

she'll want to
do it sitting down.

Oh, Mrs. Garrett? Mrs. Garrett?

Do you have a moment?

Now, look, Mr. Parker, I know you
didn't expect to see me here. But...

Listen, I didn't expect
most of these people.

I haven't seen this much
traffic since the last fire drill.

Ah, good evening,
Mr. Parker. Oh, good evening.

How are you? Fine, thank you.

Yeah, good to see
you again. Likewise.

Who is that?

Do you know, there are parents here
whose names I've only seen on checks.

And I have been getting angry
phone calls from them all week.

They are furious that I allowed those
books to be removed from the library.

I mean, Edna, they hate me.

That's wonderful!

Well, I... I do owe
you an apology.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

You were only doing what you
thought was best for the school.

No, I was being a
good administrator.

If all Eastland needed was someone
to keep order and balance books,

they could have
hired Eliot Janeway.

No, I think they knew
what they were doing.

Well, I'm just ashamed that I had
to be forced into this confrontation.

I was afraid.

The word is intimidated.

We both were.

We thought that
if we took a stand,

we'd be standing alone.

Mr. Parker, could we
get the meeting started?

We've got a lot
of ground to cover.

Coming.

Well, Edna, could
be a long night.

Good.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪