The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 23 - Jo's Cousin - full transcript
Jo visits her relatives in New Jersey, where her tomboyish 14-year-old cousin Terry puts on a dress and makeup to impress a boy.
♪ (THE FACTS OF LIFE
THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Come on, Mrs. G, it's time to
get started for the station. Let's go.
Jo, you'll be two hours early.
And the train will
be two hours late.
We're talking Amtrak.
Well, I don't want to miss it.
I can't wait to
see my uncle Sal.
The best years of my life
were spent at his gas station.
Don't tell me what I
need. I know what I need!
And what I don't need
is a sandwich machine!
Terry, tell your brother I got a
coffee machine. That's good enough.
Terry, tell Pop this is 1982.
Good enough isn't
good enough anymore.
Terry, tell your brother,
people don't come in here to eat.
They come in here to get gas!
You two are like old ladies.
You've been fighting over that
sandwich machine for an hour.
Now, listen up, you two.
We're gonna compromise.
Fine. No sandwiches.
But we'll add soup
to the coffee machine.
I can live with that.
Well, I can't.
The man doesn't know
how to run a business.
Oh, hey, excuse me.
What's 21 years
at the same location
next to two entire semesters
of business college?
I'm in my third semester.
Well, can it! It's my birthday,
and the next person that yells gets
a wrench in the back of the head.
Oh, fine, go ahead.
Hit your father.
He'll love that.
I'll go into a coma and I'll die
and he'll tear down the garage
and put up condos before
my body's even cold.
What do you mean, before
your body's even cold?
It'll take me months, just
to get the building permit.
Remember, when I go, bury
me under repair bay number two.
I thought you'd want to
be buried next to mom.
Oh, I do. We'll move her.
Pop, he just can't
see the big picture.
I'm talkin' economic expansion,
product diversification,
growth potential.
Don't worry, Bud. It'll happen.
You'll make it happen.
If Pop doesn't kill you first.
Hey, not the hair.
Hey, kid, heads up.
Hey.
Hey, Paulie.
You were supposed to help your
sister this morning. Where were you?
Am I late?
Yeah, you're late.
Where were you?
Pop, what are you
getting so uptight about?
Do you always have to answer
a question with a question?
Did I do that?
Will you stop kidding around?
Are you talking to me?
Paulie, cut that out.
Here, let me get that.
Everything go
okay, this morning?
Yeah, fine.
What do you mean, fine? Are they
gonna suspend you from school?
Only if I get caught again.
Why do you get into
food fights all the time?
I don't all the time.
Only when we have chow mein.
The way that
stuff hits the wall,
then kind of hangs
there for a minute
then slowly slides
down to the floor.
It's poetry.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, uh, who do you have to know
to get an oil change around here?
Hey, Jo! Hey. How're you doing?
Hey, there.
How you doing? Hey.
Hey, come here. Uncle
Sal! How're you doing?
You look great!
Oh, she looks better than great.
She looks beautiful.
You've got the Polniaczek
smile, just like their mother.
May she rest in peace.
Oh.
That's where I
put them fan belts.
Hey, I'm glad you made it.
Hey, are you kiddin'?
Nothin' could keep me away
from a Largo birthday dinner.
Hey, you're gonna
make the usual, right?
Linguine and Polniaczek sauce?
Uh, no offense, Jo,
but it's Largo sauce.
Yeah, it's Pop's specialty.
Well, not really.
It's just something I throw
together over a period of four days.
That recipe's been in
the family for generations.
Yeah, I'm telling you, Pop,
if you bottled it and sold it you
could be another Mama Celeste.
Fine. I'll put it in the machine
next to the sandwiches.
Hey, and later we're gonna
go bowling, like usual, right?
Yeah, like usual.
What's the matter with usual?
Oh, come on, Terry.
Wouldn't you rather have a
party with balloons and music
and someone else besides us?
What for? Around here
birthdays are for family.
She's 14 years old. Most girls
her age do more after school
than work in a gas
station and play basketball.
I-It's time she
started to socialize.
What do you mean, socialize?
I mean socialize.
You mean date?
(CHUCKLES)
No, that's not what he meant.
That's not what you meant. No.
Not exactly.
(SNICKERING)
Terry, with a date?
What's so funny?
Ah, come on. Can you picture
some guy making fish faces at you?
Go eat worms!
Hey, don't tease your sister.
I can have a date if I want to.
'Course you can have a date.
When I say it's time.
It's not time yet.
Jo, will you get me
another can of oil?
Sure.
Thirty-weight.
Hey, Paulie, I made out
like a bandit last night!
Oh, God, I'm sorry, kid.
I thought you were your brother.
Boy, did I make out
like a bandit last night.
Well, you know what they say,
"For a good time, call Delores."
Here you go. Oh, Tony,
this is my cousin, Jo
Polniaczek. Jo, Tony Valente.
How you doing? Hello,
very nice to meet you.
Tony's got a one-handed
lay-up that's a real beauty.
No kiddin'.
Hey, Paulie!
Hey, Tony.
Hey, you know, you and Terry
should start wearing name tags.
It's getting so I can't
tell you guys apart.
What do you need, glasses?
You could tell us apart.
I'm taller.
Hey, Tony the Tiger.
Hey, how you doing, Mr. Largo?
Yo, Tone. Hi, Bud.
How you making
out? "Like a bandit."
Hey, look, Paulie.
I'll pick you up after dinner,
and we'll go check out that
new chick over at McDonald's.
And she deserves a break today.
(EXCLAIMS)
You know if she's
workin' tomorrow?
It's my sister's birthday,
and, uh, we're havin' our
big special dinner tonight.
Hey, that means
linguine and Largo sauce?
Well, I got dibs
on the leftovers.
Sure, no problem.
If there are leftovers.
Hey, what are you talkin' about?
I made enough for an army.
Well, yeah, but Jo's here.
Of course, you
could... Oh, never mind.
Never mind what?
I thought, maybe, Tony
could come for dinner.
But he can't.
Why not?
Paulie, please.
Birthday dinners are for family.
Hey, what're you saying?
He's my best friend.
Yeah, and Paulie's
best friend is family.
Terry, you don't wanna make him feel
unwelcome in our home. Be gracious.
Okay, you guys,
if you want Tony to come
for dinner and he wants to,
I guess it's no big deal.
Hey, thanks, Terry.
Aw, don't thank
me. It was their idea.
(DOOR OPENING)
Bathroom's free.
Jo, come here. Quick.
I want to show you something.
Now, don't laugh.
Yeah?
It's a dress.
So?
I bought it to wear
to a dance at school,
only I never did.
Why not?
I went bowling with
the guys, instead.
Actually, I had a
good night. I broke 220.
The only difference
between us is Paulie's taller?
Well, I'll show them.
They've never seen
Paulie in one of these.
Can I ask you a question?
I guess.
Does this have anything
to do with that dinner guest
you got them to
force you to invite?
What do you mean?
That was brilliant the way
you did that. He's real cute.
Tony? He's not cute.
He is gorgeous!
Jo, you've got to help me.
How?
I bought all this stuff but
I don't know how it works.
Well, what do I
know about makeup?
I just brush my teeth and go.
Jo, I don't need much.
Just enough that Tony
will notice and Pop won't.
This is way out of my
league. You need an expert.
Someone who
spends 24 hours a day
lookin' at herself
in the mirror.
Hello.
It's me. I've got an emergency.
Good heavens, you're in jail.
Don't kid around,
Blair. We're desperate.
There's a face here
that needs your help.
Okay. What shape is her face?
It's face-shaped.
Does it look like
a heart or an egg?
I think it looks like an apple.
McIntosh or Delicious?
Blair, hold on a second.
Are you sure you
want to do this?
I've got to.
I don't know if they're ready to
see you come downstairs, looking...
Looking like a girl?
Well, they'd better be.
'Cause ready or
not, here I come.
What's wrong with this
table? Something's missing.
Paulie, there are no forks.
Good, I was right.
Somethin' is missing.
I don't believe it. No forks.
Forks go on the left.
How many years
have you been eating?
This isn't my job.
Terry's the one that sets the
table. I clean up the living room.
Once you cleaned
up the living room.
In 1979.
I'm a perfectionist, all right?
If I can't do it right,
then I don't want
to do it at all.
That's a crock.
'Cause you're just a lazy,
good-for-nothing, I mean... Hey, hey, hey.
I don't want to hear
any angry voices.
Pop, he started it.
We're gonna behave. Tonight,
it's your sister's birthday.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Now, behave yourself.
Don't fight.
Hey, Tony, come on in, kid.
Hey, you smell
like a million bucks.
This kid, he's always
ready for action.
(CHUCKLES)
Make yourself at home.
Not you, Paulie. We got
to get the food on the table.
Come on. Call the
girls down for dinner.
Terry, Jo, dinner!
I could have done that.
Get in there!
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON T.V.)
Come on.
Hi, Tony.
(WHISTLING)
Look at you.
What's the matter with me?
Nothing.
I never knew you
could look so good.
Okay, soup's on! Come on,
everybody, let's come to the table.
You're wearin' a dress.
You noticed.
Terry, why are you
wearin' a dress?
Well, she looks terrific!
Tell her she looks terrific.
She does.
You do.
I think she looks dynamite.
Who asked you?
Let's eat.
SAL: Okay, everybody.
Terry, you sit here next to me.
Bud, you sit next
to your sister.
And then, Jo,
Paulie, Tony, here.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, hey, Bud, you know,
I'd really like to
sit next to Tony.
Uh, why don't you
switch seats with him?
That's what I like.
A woman who sees what
she wants and goes after it.
Tony, over here.
Hey, Pop, that's
not what you said.
It's okay. Same difference.
Come on, Pop, the
linguine's getting cold.
Boy, am I lucky.
I get to sit next to the
gorgeous birthday girl.
(GIGGLES)
You say the sweetest things.
So, Tony, how you doing?
Ah, not so good,
Bud. I got a weak back.
Oh, really? When
did that happen?
About a week back.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's so cute. A week back.
(LAUGHING)
What kind of noise is that?
You sound like a sick hyena.
Salad? I'll do that.
No, no. Ladies first.
Who you calling a lady?
In your ear, Bud,
he's being gracious.
Tony, can I offer
you a can of soda?
Bud, pass a soda.
Tony, could you
open this for me?
Sure thing.
What's the matter,
you jam a finger?
No, I'm just not strong
enough to open these things.
Are you kidding? You can
rip that off with your teeth.
Paulie, you know I
don't do that anymore.
(SOFTLY) I don't
do that anymore.
What do you mean?
You did a whole
six-pack, last night.
All right, come on, everybody,
come on. Eat, eat, eat, eat.
Uncle Sal, this is great.
Looks terrific, Mr. Largo.
Don't I get any?
Oh, gee, Tony, did I
forget you? I'm sorry.
TERRY: I'll do it.
Plenty.
Wait. Let me give
you another meatball.
He's got enough meatballs!
Hey, Tony, guess what
we're doing after dinner?
We're all going to Bowlerama.
Yeah?
Hey, you want me to
give you a ride over there,
on the back of my motorcycle?
Oh, that'd be great.
You can't ride a
motorcycle, in a dress.
So, I'll take it off.
(SPUTTERING)
I'm okay.
Just went down the wrong way.
Get me a drink of water.
Jo, go help your cousin.
Tell her I want the water cold.
Let the tap run
five or ten minutes.
JO: You got it.
You all right, Mr. Largo?
Get out of my house.
What did I do? What did you do?
Where do you get off
talkin' to my sister like that?
What did I say?
You told her to
take off her dress!
I did not!
But you will!
You guys are crazy!
Crazy like a fox. We
know what you're after.
If you guys think you're having a
private conversation, you're wrong.
Tony, let's me and you go
outside and look at your bike.
Now.
Now's good.
You guys have gone crazy!
You're the one
that's acting weird.
Coming down all dressed up
and making cow eyes at Tony.
I was not.
And so what if I was?
Terry,
nice girls don't throw
themselves at guys.
Well, I mean, the
next thing we know,
you're gonna be inviting men
over for Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Look who's talking.
The Warren Beatty of Weehawken.
You're the one who didn't come
home three nights last week.
That's different. How?
I'll bet at least one of those
girls was somebody's sister.
This is not the time for a
philosophical discussion.
Pop, we're in for
a lot of trouble.
Terry, honey, uh,
listen to me.
When your mama died,
people said to me,
"Sal," they said,
"you can't raise an
eight-year-old girl by yourself."
But I think I did
a pretty good job.
'Course, up to now
it's been pretty easy.
You and your brothers,
had the same toys
and the same clothes
and the same problems.
(SIGHING) But now, uh,
if things are gonna change,
things are gonna change.
I don't know why she can't
leave well enough alone.
Because when things change,
they don't stay the same.
I just want to do what other
14-year-old girls are doing.
If she means that,
we really are in trouble.
What's so terrible about
me wanting to be a girl?
Nothing, sweetheart.
Nothing at all.
Okay, then you're not playing
basketball with me, anymore.
Why not?
'Cause girls don't
play basketball.
They do, too. Not
with me, they don't.
That's stupid.
No, it isn't.
No, it isn't. I understand
what Paulie's saying.
We don't want her to get hurt.
Terry, honey, I think you
should drop metal shop at school.
All those drills and machines,
you could lose a hand.
Yeah, what you should
do is take Home Ec.
Why?
Then you'll be
learning how to cook.
And, Terry,
honey, I don't think that I want you
to work in the gas station, anymore.
Why?
Because girls don't pump gas.
Besides, you'll be
too busy to work.
Why?
You'll be at home making dinner.
Well, that's not fair.
If Terry's gonna be
a woman of the '80s,
she should be able to work in
the gas station and make dinner.
Thanks a lot, Bud.
We're not gonna to talk about
this anymore. We'll talk about it later.
We're gonna watch TV, now.
Terry, you can clear the table.
So, how's it going in
here? Any casualties?
Just one. The new me.
I really made a fool
of myself, tonight.
I did everything wrong.
Not everything.
I'm never gonna get this right.
Yeah, you will.
If you just be yourself.
But I got to figure
out who that is.
And they're not making
this any easier for me.
Look, kid, my money's on you.
You've always had the
determination of a goat.
So what happened to Tony?
He said he was gonna pick
up somethin' at McDonald's.
Forget Tony. I told you, I don't
want you messing around with him.
(PHONE RINGING)
I'll get it.
I'm not messing
around with anybody.
I know you're not.
You better not.
This has nothing to do
with messing around.
I'm just trying
to... to be myself.
It doesn't have to
be such a big deal,
does it?
No, it's not a big deal.
Come... Come on over.
Let's watch TV.
Hey, Terry.
It's for you.
Oh, yeah?
Don't rush. He'll wait.
Hello?
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Come on, Mrs. G, it's time to
get started for the station. Let's go.
Jo, you'll be two hours early.
And the train will
be two hours late.
We're talking Amtrak.
Well, I don't want to miss it.
I can't wait to
see my uncle Sal.
The best years of my life
were spent at his gas station.
Don't tell me what I
need. I know what I need!
And what I don't need
is a sandwich machine!
Terry, tell your brother I got a
coffee machine. That's good enough.
Terry, tell Pop this is 1982.
Good enough isn't
good enough anymore.
Terry, tell your brother,
people don't come in here to eat.
They come in here to get gas!
You two are like old ladies.
You've been fighting over that
sandwich machine for an hour.
Now, listen up, you two.
We're gonna compromise.
Fine. No sandwiches.
But we'll add soup
to the coffee machine.
I can live with that.
Well, I can't.
The man doesn't know
how to run a business.
Oh, hey, excuse me.
What's 21 years
at the same location
next to two entire semesters
of business college?
I'm in my third semester.
Well, can it! It's my birthday,
and the next person that yells gets
a wrench in the back of the head.
Oh, fine, go ahead.
Hit your father.
He'll love that.
I'll go into a coma and I'll die
and he'll tear down the garage
and put up condos before
my body's even cold.
What do you mean, before
your body's even cold?
It'll take me months, just
to get the building permit.
Remember, when I go, bury
me under repair bay number two.
I thought you'd want to
be buried next to mom.
Oh, I do. We'll move her.
Pop, he just can't
see the big picture.
I'm talkin' economic expansion,
product diversification,
growth potential.
Don't worry, Bud. It'll happen.
You'll make it happen.
If Pop doesn't kill you first.
Hey, not the hair.
Hey, kid, heads up.
Hey.
Hey, Paulie.
You were supposed to help your
sister this morning. Where were you?
Am I late?
Yeah, you're late.
Where were you?
Pop, what are you
getting so uptight about?
Do you always have to answer
a question with a question?
Did I do that?
Will you stop kidding around?
Are you talking to me?
Paulie, cut that out.
Here, let me get that.
Everything go
okay, this morning?
Yeah, fine.
What do you mean, fine? Are they
gonna suspend you from school?
Only if I get caught again.
Why do you get into
food fights all the time?
I don't all the time.
Only when we have chow mein.
The way that
stuff hits the wall,
then kind of hangs
there for a minute
then slowly slides
down to the floor.
It's poetry.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Hey, uh, who do you have to know
to get an oil change around here?
Hey, Jo! Hey. How're you doing?
Hey, there.
How you doing? Hey.
Hey, come here. Uncle
Sal! How're you doing?
You look great!
Oh, she looks better than great.
She looks beautiful.
You've got the Polniaczek
smile, just like their mother.
May she rest in peace.
Oh.
That's where I
put them fan belts.
Hey, I'm glad you made it.
Hey, are you kiddin'?
Nothin' could keep me away
from a Largo birthday dinner.
Hey, you're gonna
make the usual, right?
Linguine and Polniaczek sauce?
Uh, no offense, Jo,
but it's Largo sauce.
Yeah, it's Pop's specialty.
Well, not really.
It's just something I throw
together over a period of four days.
That recipe's been in
the family for generations.
Yeah, I'm telling you, Pop,
if you bottled it and sold it you
could be another Mama Celeste.
Fine. I'll put it in the machine
next to the sandwiches.
Hey, and later we're gonna
go bowling, like usual, right?
Yeah, like usual.
What's the matter with usual?
Oh, come on, Terry.
Wouldn't you rather have a
party with balloons and music
and someone else besides us?
What for? Around here
birthdays are for family.
She's 14 years old. Most girls
her age do more after school
than work in a gas
station and play basketball.
I-It's time she
started to socialize.
What do you mean, socialize?
I mean socialize.
You mean date?
(CHUCKLES)
No, that's not what he meant.
That's not what you meant. No.
Not exactly.
(SNICKERING)
Terry, with a date?
What's so funny?
Ah, come on. Can you picture
some guy making fish faces at you?
Go eat worms!
Hey, don't tease your sister.
I can have a date if I want to.
'Course you can have a date.
When I say it's time.
It's not time yet.
Jo, will you get me
another can of oil?
Sure.
Thirty-weight.
Hey, Paulie, I made out
like a bandit last night!
Oh, God, I'm sorry, kid.
I thought you were your brother.
Boy, did I make out
like a bandit last night.
Well, you know what they say,
"For a good time, call Delores."
Here you go. Oh, Tony,
this is my cousin, Jo
Polniaczek. Jo, Tony Valente.
How you doing? Hello,
very nice to meet you.
Tony's got a one-handed
lay-up that's a real beauty.
No kiddin'.
Hey, Paulie!
Hey, Tony.
Hey, you know, you and Terry
should start wearing name tags.
It's getting so I can't
tell you guys apart.
What do you need, glasses?
You could tell us apart.
I'm taller.
Hey, Tony the Tiger.
Hey, how you doing, Mr. Largo?
Yo, Tone. Hi, Bud.
How you making
out? "Like a bandit."
Hey, look, Paulie.
I'll pick you up after dinner,
and we'll go check out that
new chick over at McDonald's.
And she deserves a break today.
(EXCLAIMS)
You know if she's
workin' tomorrow?
It's my sister's birthday,
and, uh, we're havin' our
big special dinner tonight.
Hey, that means
linguine and Largo sauce?
Well, I got dibs
on the leftovers.
Sure, no problem.
If there are leftovers.
Hey, what are you talkin' about?
I made enough for an army.
Well, yeah, but Jo's here.
Of course, you
could... Oh, never mind.
Never mind what?
I thought, maybe, Tony
could come for dinner.
But he can't.
Why not?
Paulie, please.
Birthday dinners are for family.
Hey, what're you saying?
He's my best friend.
Yeah, and Paulie's
best friend is family.
Terry, you don't wanna make him feel
unwelcome in our home. Be gracious.
Okay, you guys,
if you want Tony to come
for dinner and he wants to,
I guess it's no big deal.
Hey, thanks, Terry.
Aw, don't thank
me. It was their idea.
(DOOR OPENING)
Bathroom's free.
Jo, come here. Quick.
I want to show you something.
Now, don't laugh.
Yeah?
It's a dress.
So?
I bought it to wear
to a dance at school,
only I never did.
Why not?
I went bowling with
the guys, instead.
Actually, I had a
good night. I broke 220.
The only difference
between us is Paulie's taller?
Well, I'll show them.
They've never seen
Paulie in one of these.
Can I ask you a question?
I guess.
Does this have anything
to do with that dinner guest
you got them to
force you to invite?
What do you mean?
That was brilliant the way
you did that. He's real cute.
Tony? He's not cute.
He is gorgeous!
Jo, you've got to help me.
How?
I bought all this stuff but
I don't know how it works.
Well, what do I
know about makeup?
I just brush my teeth and go.
Jo, I don't need much.
Just enough that Tony
will notice and Pop won't.
This is way out of my
league. You need an expert.
Someone who
spends 24 hours a day
lookin' at herself
in the mirror.
Hello.
It's me. I've got an emergency.
Good heavens, you're in jail.
Don't kid around,
Blair. We're desperate.
There's a face here
that needs your help.
Okay. What shape is her face?
It's face-shaped.
Does it look like
a heart or an egg?
I think it looks like an apple.
McIntosh or Delicious?
Blair, hold on a second.
Are you sure you
want to do this?
I've got to.
I don't know if they're ready to
see you come downstairs, looking...
Looking like a girl?
Well, they'd better be.
'Cause ready or
not, here I come.
What's wrong with this
table? Something's missing.
Paulie, there are no forks.
Good, I was right.
Somethin' is missing.
I don't believe it. No forks.
Forks go on the left.
How many years
have you been eating?
This isn't my job.
Terry's the one that sets the
table. I clean up the living room.
Once you cleaned
up the living room.
In 1979.
I'm a perfectionist, all right?
If I can't do it right,
then I don't want
to do it at all.
That's a crock.
'Cause you're just a lazy,
good-for-nothing, I mean... Hey, hey, hey.
I don't want to hear
any angry voices.
Pop, he started it.
We're gonna behave. Tonight,
it's your sister's birthday.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Now, behave yourself.
Don't fight.
Hey, Tony, come on in, kid.
Hey, you smell
like a million bucks.
This kid, he's always
ready for action.
(CHUCKLES)
Make yourself at home.
Not you, Paulie. We got
to get the food on the table.
Come on. Call the
girls down for dinner.
Terry, Jo, dinner!
I could have done that.
Get in there!
(WOMAN CHATTERING ON T.V.)
Come on.
Hi, Tony.
(WHISTLING)
Look at you.
What's the matter with me?
Nothing.
I never knew you
could look so good.
Okay, soup's on! Come on,
everybody, let's come to the table.
You're wearin' a dress.
You noticed.
Terry, why are you
wearin' a dress?
Well, she looks terrific!
Tell her she looks terrific.
She does.
You do.
I think she looks dynamite.
Who asked you?
Let's eat.
SAL: Okay, everybody.
Terry, you sit here next to me.
Bud, you sit next
to your sister.
And then, Jo,
Paulie, Tony, here.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, hey, Bud, you know,
I'd really like to
sit next to Tony.
Uh, why don't you
switch seats with him?
That's what I like.
A woman who sees what
she wants and goes after it.
Tony, over here.
Hey, Pop, that's
not what you said.
It's okay. Same difference.
Come on, Pop, the
linguine's getting cold.
Boy, am I lucky.
I get to sit next to the
gorgeous birthday girl.
(GIGGLES)
You say the sweetest things.
So, Tony, how you doing?
Ah, not so good,
Bud. I got a weak back.
Oh, really? When
did that happen?
About a week back.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's so cute. A week back.
(LAUGHING)
What kind of noise is that?
You sound like a sick hyena.
Salad? I'll do that.
No, no. Ladies first.
Who you calling a lady?
In your ear, Bud,
he's being gracious.
Tony, can I offer
you a can of soda?
Bud, pass a soda.
Tony, could you
open this for me?
Sure thing.
What's the matter,
you jam a finger?
No, I'm just not strong
enough to open these things.
Are you kidding? You can
rip that off with your teeth.
Paulie, you know I
don't do that anymore.
(SOFTLY) I don't
do that anymore.
What do you mean?
You did a whole
six-pack, last night.
All right, come on, everybody,
come on. Eat, eat, eat, eat.
Uncle Sal, this is great.
Looks terrific, Mr. Largo.
Don't I get any?
Oh, gee, Tony, did I
forget you? I'm sorry.
TERRY: I'll do it.
Plenty.
Wait. Let me give
you another meatball.
He's got enough meatballs!
Hey, Tony, guess what
we're doing after dinner?
We're all going to Bowlerama.
Yeah?
Hey, you want me to
give you a ride over there,
on the back of my motorcycle?
Oh, that'd be great.
You can't ride a
motorcycle, in a dress.
So, I'll take it off.
(SPUTTERING)
I'm okay.
Just went down the wrong way.
Get me a drink of water.
Jo, go help your cousin.
Tell her I want the water cold.
Let the tap run
five or ten minutes.
JO: You got it.
You all right, Mr. Largo?
Get out of my house.
What did I do? What did you do?
Where do you get off
talkin' to my sister like that?
What did I say?
You told her to
take off her dress!
I did not!
But you will!
You guys are crazy!
Crazy like a fox. We
know what you're after.
If you guys think you're having a
private conversation, you're wrong.
Tony, let's me and you go
outside and look at your bike.
Now.
Now's good.
You guys have gone crazy!
You're the one
that's acting weird.
Coming down all dressed up
and making cow eyes at Tony.
I was not.
And so what if I was?
Terry,
nice girls don't throw
themselves at guys.
Well, I mean, the
next thing we know,
you're gonna be inviting men
over for Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Look who's talking.
The Warren Beatty of Weehawken.
You're the one who didn't come
home three nights last week.
That's different. How?
I'll bet at least one of those
girls was somebody's sister.
This is not the time for a
philosophical discussion.
Pop, we're in for
a lot of trouble.
Terry, honey, uh,
listen to me.
When your mama died,
people said to me,
"Sal," they said,
"you can't raise an
eight-year-old girl by yourself."
But I think I did
a pretty good job.
'Course, up to now
it's been pretty easy.
You and your brothers,
had the same toys
and the same clothes
and the same problems.
(SIGHING) But now, uh,
if things are gonna change,
things are gonna change.
I don't know why she can't
leave well enough alone.
Because when things change,
they don't stay the same.
I just want to do what other
14-year-old girls are doing.
If she means that,
we really are in trouble.
What's so terrible about
me wanting to be a girl?
Nothing, sweetheart.
Nothing at all.
Okay, then you're not playing
basketball with me, anymore.
Why not?
'Cause girls don't
play basketball.
They do, too. Not
with me, they don't.
That's stupid.
No, it isn't.
No, it isn't. I understand
what Paulie's saying.
We don't want her to get hurt.
Terry, honey, I think you
should drop metal shop at school.
All those drills and machines,
you could lose a hand.
Yeah, what you should
do is take Home Ec.
Why?
Then you'll be
learning how to cook.
And, Terry,
honey, I don't think that I want you
to work in the gas station, anymore.
Why?
Because girls don't pump gas.
Besides, you'll be
too busy to work.
Why?
You'll be at home making dinner.
Well, that's not fair.
If Terry's gonna be
a woman of the '80s,
she should be able to work in
the gas station and make dinner.
Thanks a lot, Bud.
We're not gonna to talk about
this anymore. We'll talk about it later.
We're gonna watch TV, now.
Terry, you can clear the table.
So, how's it going in
here? Any casualties?
Just one. The new me.
I really made a fool
of myself, tonight.
I did everything wrong.
Not everything.
I'm never gonna get this right.
Yeah, you will.
If you just be yourself.
But I got to figure
out who that is.
And they're not making
this any easier for me.
Look, kid, my money's on you.
You've always had the
determination of a goat.
So what happened to Tony?
He said he was gonna pick
up somethin' at McDonald's.
Forget Tony. I told you, I don't
want you messing around with him.
(PHONE RINGING)
I'll get it.
I'm not messing
around with anybody.
I know you're not.
You better not.
This has nothing to do
with messing around.
I'm just trying
to... to be myself.
It doesn't have to
be such a big deal,
does it?
No, it's not a big deal.
Come... Come on over.
Let's watch TV.
Hey, Terry.
It's for you.
Oh, yeah?
Don't rush. He'll wait.
Hello?
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪