The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 22 - The Academy - full transcript
The girls go to a school dance with boys from nearby Stone Military Academy.
♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Hello.
Yes. She is.
Who might I tell her is calling?
It's a baritone.
Is that for me?
I've been waiting for
that call, whoever he is.
It's for Jo.
Buzz from Stone
Military Academy.
Really? Eh, thanks a lot, Blair.
Now get lost.
Why don't we all
take that subtle hint?
Hey, Buzz, how you doing?
You're in a military
school? How'd that happen?
Oh, it's a long, sad story.
Me and Kennedy Airport had
kind of a misunderstanding.
Ah, they still
have that little rule
against picking up luggage
when you haven't flown anywhere?
Yeah. They got the nerve.
Anyway, they sent me
here to get straightened
out, instead of
the juvenile farm.
Listen, Jo, I got a problem.
I could really use your help.
See, I need a date for
this formal military dance.
Military dance?
You gotta be kidding. No way.
I'm not going to one of those things.
No, I don't mean you, Jo.
I need somebody classy.
You were smart to
do this over the phone.
I just gotta have one of your rich
and famous Candice Bergen types.
I could probably lay
my hands on one.
Oh, great!
See, there's this corporal up here
who won't let me forget I was arrested.
He says to me, "Who you bringing to
the ball, one of your gang groupies?"
And I told him... Let me guess.
You shot off your mouth and told him your
girlfriend was some socialite debutante.
Exactly.
Oh, Buzz, count on you
to brag one step too far.
All right. I'll see
what I can do.
Oh, great. And listen, you come,
too. I'll fix you up with a date.
What am I, your
favorite charity?
I miss seeing you, pal.
All right. I better keep
an eye on Blair anyway.
Blair, huh? Sounds classy.
Hey, Jo, what are you
gonna tell Blair about me?
As little as possible.
Bye.
I heard the word "military."
I heard the word "dance."
That Cadet Buzz Person was
calling you for a date, wasn't he?
Don't I wish.
Blair, I should've known better
than to fall for a
general's gorgeous son.
What?
I met him last summer.
Why didn't you ever
tell us about him?
What's to tell?
I fell and Buzz didn't.
Now, we're pals.
If Buzz didn't call for a
date, why did he call?
He just wanted to cry the blues
'cause Gloria Vanderbilt's daughter
couldn't make it to the dance.
He dates Gloria
Vanderbilt's daughter?
Among other top debs.
You know, Blair, you
would be perfect for Buzz.
Oh. But you never
go on blind dates.
Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo, call him!
All right, you twisted my arm.
Jo, could you get
me a date, too?
I've never been
to a military ball.
Me, either.
That's a tall order.
Right. Think tall,
dark and handsome.
Tall for her, dark
and handsome for me.
Hey, don't forget that crud
from underneath the bed, Alfred.
My sources tell me that's
where the Major's inspecting
with his little white glove.
I'm not going under
there without my gun.
Hey man, you could get
off your butt and help us.
A deal's a deal.
My pal Jo got you guys dates for
the dance, so you do the cleaning.
Oh, and remember, as
far as Knight's concerned,
this Blair Warner's
my steady girlfriend.
Listen, guys, uh, don't tell Natalie
Green I'm younger than she is, okay?
I can pass for 16.
Like I can pass for Goldilocks.
Hey, Alfred, why are you so ashamed
of having been jumped two grades?
Look, I'm tired of being an
over-achieving, brainy little genius.
Why can't I be like you?
He's got a point.
Oh, well, let's talk about
my date, this Tootie?
Is that a girl or an
ice cream flavor?
Oh, come on, Chip,
all those debs you
know in Beverly Hills
are either called Bitsy
or Muffy or Tootie.
I bet she's a big
fan of Paula Nelson
and her six platinum records.
Hey, forget that. I don't use Mom's
fame to make points with girls.
Then you're dead.
I'm serious.
Every time I mention my mother's
name, I become a non-person.
I disappear.
Sure, I get all kinds of
cute girls coming on to me,
telling me I'm great,
giving me presents, kissing me.
But it's all because of Mom.
Lord, why can't I
have that problem?
Buzz, old buddy!
Guess who didn't, uh, quite
clear the high hurdle today?
Hank, you're a crip.
Sorry I won't be able to take
your friend Jo to the dance.
Oh, who am I gonna get now?
You're one of the few guys
around here who's not a geek.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, you're not a geek.
A little short.
Tough luck, buddy.
Oh, not entirely.
I may have lost Jo, but
I found Nurse Barton.
She's very sympathetic.
Hank?
You know about women.
Do you, uh, think you
can give me any tips
on how I should
handle myself tonight?
You know, man to man.
Just be yourself, Alfred.
That's not what
I wanted to hear.
What am I gonna do?
I can't fix Jo up
with just anybody.
She's dangerous.
I remember the time Moose
Maranaro kissed her on the neck
while they were dancing.
They're still
reconstructing his jaw.
Ten-hut!
Knight!
You can't say "Ten-hut."
You're just a stinking corporal.
Back off, bird breath.
Major Dorsey's on his way in.
That's right, scavenger fish
always comes before the shark.
Limp, Gimp, you're supposed
to be cleaning out the latrine.
Yes, sir.
I'll think of you
with every flush.
You eight balls better
have this dump in shape.
Eat my shorts.
Isn't that carrying
roughage just a bit far?
Ten-hut!
Someone's been dusting.
Your bunk could be a
bit tighter, Ryan. Yes, sir.
You can bounce a
dime off of mine, sir.
You got the advantage
of rubber sheets.
You are at attention, Webster.
Yes, sir.
All right, Ryan, let
me see your rifle.
My rifle?
Nobody said you
were inspecting rifles.
Just let me see the rifle.
What's that odor?
It's probably gun oil, sir.
Would you care to explain this?
Would you buy "a
very short ramrod"?
Try observing the rules, Ryan.
Makes life a lot
less complicated.
Twenty hours of penalty duty.
How come he only
looked at my rifle?
You ratted on me, didn't you?
Ratted? I just love it
when you speak gutter.
Actually, I wanted to
congratulate you, Ryan.
Why? I've got some
incurable disease?
I'm checking up on
that date of yours.
You really do go
with a socialite.
Blair Warner, no less.
You don't mind if I cut in
a few times at the dance?
I thought you had a date.
I did, but, uh, Missy sprained
her ankle, skiing at Vail.
You know this is nice.
Here we are, for the first time,
actually talking decent to each other.
I almost feel close enough
to you to ask you a favor.
These penalty hours
are etched in granite.
No, no, I'm talking
about the dance.
Blair wants me to get her friend
a date, but not with just anybody.
She's a very classy type.
Joanna Marie Polniaczek.
Polniaczek?
You've heard of
Polniaczek Vodka?
Yeah, of course.
She's Polish royalty.
And stacked.
Okay, I'm a
go-for-it kind of guy.
Book her.
Oh, a match made in heaven.
And here's a tip.
She just loves to be kissed
on the neck while dancing.
Okay girls, this is it.
♪
Hey, would you watch
it with the meat cleavers.
Come on, you guys.
Don't rush us.
We're making our entrance.
Yoo-hoo!
Thank you.
This is nice. Oh, it's nice.
You must be Jo.
Hi. Are you my date?
I was supposed to be.
So you shot
yourself in the foot?
If I'd known it was gonna
be you, I would have missed.
Welcome to Stone
Military Academy.
I'm Cadet Corporal
George Knight.
You must be Joanna Marie.
Yeah. You got a package for me?
No, it's your
corsage. I'm your date.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, this is Mrs. Garrett,
Natalie, Tootie, and
Blair. Hello. Good evening.
Mrs. Garrett, Major Dorsey would like to
give you a personal tour of the campus.
He's in his office.
May I?
You certainly may.
He keeps up that heel clicking,
my fillings are gonna fall out.
Jo! Hey, how you doing, kid?
Hey, Buzz, how are you doing?
You look like Napoleon.
You look like the Rose Parade.
I borrowed it. It's
me, don't you think?
Oh, come here.
Uh, I want you to
meet Tootie Ramsay.
Hi. Nice to meet
you. Natalie Green.
Hi. How are you doing?
And, uh, your
date, Blair Warner.
Well, somebody heard
my prayers last night.
Well, we're off to a good start.
Thank you.
Hey, guys, come here.
Girls, Chip Nelson
and Alfred Webster.
Hi, how are you, miss?
Hi. Nice to meet you.
How are you doing?
So, you're Alfred Webster.
Not what you expected, huh?
Listen, who expects?
What's this?
It's your corsage.
Gladiolas.
Stunning.
Tootie. Uh, that's a cute name.
You like it?
See, most people think it
sounds like an ice cream flavor.
So you're the
famous Blair Warner.
Oh, I'm a little nobody
compared to your other girl.
What other girl?
I, uh, told her
about you dating Gloria
Vanderbilt's daughter.
Oh, her, yes.
Well, after meeting
Blair Warner,
all other girls are history.
You are a hoot and a half.
Jo, where have you
been hiding him?
Don't ask.
Ladies, uh, shall we
go to the little girls' room
and pin on these
lovely corsages.
Sure, excuse us.
Bye.
Hey, Knight, isn't Jo
something? Huh? Did I lie?
You lied all over
the place, jail bird.
What are you talking about?
I asked the chaperone
a few innocent questions.
I found out you were
fixed up with Blair.
You didn't even know
her before tonight.
Maybe I didn't, but I do now.
And the vibes are there.
We got more chemistry
going than DuPont.
With a girl like that? Who
are you kidding, sleazo?
Five minutes with a punk like you and
she'll throw you back into your slime pit.
Listen, if I wanted to, I
could make her my girl.
Dream on low-life.
Oh, yeah?
What if you saw me and Blair
kissing hot and heavy in the parking lot?
Without her in chains?
That might convince me.
No, parking lot's off-limits.
If you get caught you
get kicked out of school.
We're not gonna get caught.
We'll be there at 10:00 tonight
in the car she came up in.
Perfect. I'll get there right after
I blow taps for the lower school.
But I know I'll be
the only one there.
Way to go, man, you're gonna
reduce Knight to turkey feathers.
I wanna hear your plan.
Who's got a plan?
Me and my big mouth.
What am I gonna do now?
All right, look,
it's almost 10:00.
Now you guys have to
split off with the other girls
so I can get Blair
out to the parking lot.
Won't be easy.
They travel in a pack.
You can handle Natalie.
Yeah, we are
getting along great.
Boy, does she get thirsty! She
keeps sending me off to get punch.
Chip, you can keep Tootie busy.
Tell her about your
mom's concert tour.
I don't wanna talk about
my mom. I have my own life.
I'm a person, too.
Fine. Then, sing her a
chorus of I Gotta Be Me.
Now, come on. My
time's running out.
Oh, well, dealing with young
girls does keep one on one's toes.
If it's not a romance
crisis, or a gripe session,
it's a pair of
ripped panty-hose.
Mrs. Garrett, it's the
same with the boys.
Hmm?
Oh, except for the
panty-hose, of course.
Well, I'd better go
check on the girls.
Uh, thanks for the tour.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
And, uh, save a dance for me.
All right, I will.
Major Dorsey?
Yes, Cadet Knight?
Sir, regrettably,
I've become aware
that a serious rule
Infraction is being planned.
You seem to have the
franchise on that sort of thing.
What is it?
Well, I don't have all
the information yet, sir.
But if you'll meet me at 10:00
sharp at the bugler's megaphone,
I think it'll be worth
your while, sir.
Blair, you are the most luscious
thing at this dance tonight.
You're so observant.
May I ask you a question?
Of course.
Did Mrs. Garrett leave
the keys in her car?
I believe so.
Oh, good.
Because I have to move it to
another part of the parking lot.
Will you join me?
All right.
Walt a minute.
What?
Before this evening
goes any further,
I just want you to know that
I think you're really special.
Thank you.
They're only found in Venezuela.
Then after they shed their
skin they eat their young.
That's fascinating.
So, uh, can I see
you again sometime?
What can I say?
We are communicating
well, aren't we?
I wonder where
Blair and Buzz went?
Oh, they're around.
Hey, here are my records.
There's a stereo
in the game room.
Oh, good idea.
Paula Nelson Live.
The Many Moods Of Paula Nelson.
Paula Sizzling Hot.
How come you've got
so much Paula Nelson?
Uh, why not?
You can't dance to her.
Paula Nelson is just
elevator music with words.
She's boring. She's square.
She's also my mother.
So tell me about yourself.
Now, look, there's a lot more to
Nurse Barton than just her uniform.
Give me a shot
of that, straight.
But of course.
Punch?
I've already had one.
That creep is part vampire.
Jo, I'm sorry.
Can we dance again? I promise,
your neck is a dead issue.
Forget it. I'm not into maniacs.
Uh, you think you can
dance with that cane?
What cane?
That muffler sounded weird.
Buzz,
I don't think you really
had to move the car.
That was just an excuse to
get me out here, wasn't it?
Uh, can you blame me?
Let's face it, next to you,
Gloria Vanderbilt's
daughter is bowwow city.
Cut the bull.
You never dated Gloria
Vanderbilt's daughter.
I just remembered she
doesn't have a daughter.
How about a niece?
You are a total fraud!
I am not a total fraud!
How about a jerk?
I'll buy that.
Why did you put
on that phony act?
That's the only way you
get anywhere in this world.
Buzz!
Well, would you have given me the
time of day, if I was just some nobody?
But you're not a nobody.
You're Buzz Ryan.
Yeah. Big deal.
I thought enough of you
to come out here, didn't I?
So you could tell me off.
Someone had to.
How else are you gonna find
out that underneath all that bull,
you're charming,
intelligent,
rugged.
You're kind of like...
a young Bogart.
Aw, get out of here.
Bogie? Really?
Why don't you
try being yourself?
Just might be good enough.
Yeah?
♪
Oh, no.
That's it. That's my car.
I still don't believe
it. Not one of my girls!
Cadet Ryan and Miss
Warner are not in there.
You mean they're not
in the line of sight, sir.
In my little Beetle?
No. That's impossible.
Cadet Ryan, are you in there?
Ouch!
No, sir. Under here, sir.
With Blair?
Of course not. I'm
holding the flashlight.
Cadet Ryan, I
want an explanation.
So do I. From you, Blair.
Now, we had an understanding
about nobody leaving the field house.
That's my fault,
not Blair's, ma'am.
I told her It would be okay.
And then when I saw the way your muffler
was mounted, I knew it had to be fixed.
Those fumes can be murder!
Oh, sir, I happen to know that
Ryan didn't have fumes on his mind
when he sneaked out here.
Oh, you were reading my mind?
I don't bother
with trash novels.
How would you like that good
conduct medal up your nose?
Care to eat a bugle, klepto!
Knight!
You're the bugler.
Blow!
Now, regardless of the
circumstances, Ryan, you're off limits.
Yes, sir.
Now, you return to your barracks
while I figure out your penalty hours.
I may need a computer.
Wait, Buzz.
Major Dorsey,
is it against the rules to give
to my date a goodnight kiss
in front of my chaperone?
Oh, okay.
I suppose not.
Hold it.
Uh, with your permission,
sir. Hey, Knight!
Now, Blair.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Hello.
Yes. She is.
Who might I tell her is calling?
It's a baritone.
Is that for me?
I've been waiting for
that call, whoever he is.
It's for Jo.
Buzz from Stone
Military Academy.
Really? Eh, thanks a lot, Blair.
Now get lost.
Why don't we all
take that subtle hint?
Hey, Buzz, how you doing?
You're in a military
school? How'd that happen?
Oh, it's a long, sad story.
Me and Kennedy Airport had
kind of a misunderstanding.
Ah, they still
have that little rule
against picking up luggage
when you haven't flown anywhere?
Yeah. They got the nerve.
Anyway, they sent me
here to get straightened
out, instead of
the juvenile farm.
Listen, Jo, I got a problem.
I could really use your help.
See, I need a date for
this formal military dance.
Military dance?
You gotta be kidding. No way.
I'm not going to one of those things.
No, I don't mean you, Jo.
I need somebody classy.
You were smart to
do this over the phone.
I just gotta have one of your rich
and famous Candice Bergen types.
I could probably lay
my hands on one.
Oh, great!
See, there's this corporal up here
who won't let me forget I was arrested.
He says to me, "Who you bringing to
the ball, one of your gang groupies?"
And I told him... Let me guess.
You shot off your mouth and told him your
girlfriend was some socialite debutante.
Exactly.
Oh, Buzz, count on you
to brag one step too far.
All right. I'll see
what I can do.
Oh, great. And listen, you come,
too. I'll fix you up with a date.
What am I, your
favorite charity?
I miss seeing you, pal.
All right. I better keep
an eye on Blair anyway.
Blair, huh? Sounds classy.
Hey, Jo, what are you
gonna tell Blair about me?
As little as possible.
Bye.
I heard the word "military."
I heard the word "dance."
That Cadet Buzz Person was
calling you for a date, wasn't he?
Don't I wish.
Blair, I should've known better
than to fall for a
general's gorgeous son.
What?
I met him last summer.
Why didn't you ever
tell us about him?
What's to tell?
I fell and Buzz didn't.
Now, we're pals.
If Buzz didn't call for a
date, why did he call?
He just wanted to cry the blues
'cause Gloria Vanderbilt's daughter
couldn't make it to the dance.
He dates Gloria
Vanderbilt's daughter?
Among other top debs.
You know, Blair, you
would be perfect for Buzz.
Oh. But you never
go on blind dates.
Jo, Jo, Jo, Jo, call him!
All right, you twisted my arm.
Jo, could you get
me a date, too?
I've never been
to a military ball.
Me, either.
That's a tall order.
Right. Think tall,
dark and handsome.
Tall for her, dark
and handsome for me.
Hey, don't forget that crud
from underneath the bed, Alfred.
My sources tell me that's
where the Major's inspecting
with his little white glove.
I'm not going under
there without my gun.
Hey man, you could get
off your butt and help us.
A deal's a deal.
My pal Jo got you guys dates for
the dance, so you do the cleaning.
Oh, and remember, as
far as Knight's concerned,
this Blair Warner's
my steady girlfriend.
Listen, guys, uh, don't tell Natalie
Green I'm younger than she is, okay?
I can pass for 16.
Like I can pass for Goldilocks.
Hey, Alfred, why are you so ashamed
of having been jumped two grades?
Look, I'm tired of being an
over-achieving, brainy little genius.
Why can't I be like you?
He's got a point.
Oh, well, let's talk about
my date, this Tootie?
Is that a girl or an
ice cream flavor?
Oh, come on, Chip,
all those debs you
know in Beverly Hills
are either called Bitsy
or Muffy or Tootie.
I bet she's a big
fan of Paula Nelson
and her six platinum records.
Hey, forget that. I don't use Mom's
fame to make points with girls.
Then you're dead.
I'm serious.
Every time I mention my mother's
name, I become a non-person.
I disappear.
Sure, I get all kinds of
cute girls coming on to me,
telling me I'm great,
giving me presents, kissing me.
But it's all because of Mom.
Lord, why can't I
have that problem?
Buzz, old buddy!
Guess who didn't, uh, quite
clear the high hurdle today?
Hank, you're a crip.
Sorry I won't be able to take
your friend Jo to the dance.
Oh, who am I gonna get now?
You're one of the few guys
around here who's not a geek.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, you're not a geek.
A little short.
Tough luck, buddy.
Oh, not entirely.
I may have lost Jo, but
I found Nurse Barton.
She's very sympathetic.
Hank?
You know about women.
Do you, uh, think you
can give me any tips
on how I should
handle myself tonight?
You know, man to man.
Just be yourself, Alfred.
That's not what
I wanted to hear.
What am I gonna do?
I can't fix Jo up
with just anybody.
She's dangerous.
I remember the time Moose
Maranaro kissed her on the neck
while they were dancing.
They're still
reconstructing his jaw.
Ten-hut!
Knight!
You can't say "Ten-hut."
You're just a stinking corporal.
Back off, bird breath.
Major Dorsey's on his way in.
That's right, scavenger fish
always comes before the shark.
Limp, Gimp, you're supposed
to be cleaning out the latrine.
Yes, sir.
I'll think of you
with every flush.
You eight balls better
have this dump in shape.
Eat my shorts.
Isn't that carrying
roughage just a bit far?
Ten-hut!
Someone's been dusting.
Your bunk could be a
bit tighter, Ryan. Yes, sir.
You can bounce a
dime off of mine, sir.
You got the advantage
of rubber sheets.
You are at attention, Webster.
Yes, sir.
All right, Ryan, let
me see your rifle.
My rifle?
Nobody said you
were inspecting rifles.
Just let me see the rifle.
What's that odor?
It's probably gun oil, sir.
Would you care to explain this?
Would you buy "a
very short ramrod"?
Try observing the rules, Ryan.
Makes life a lot
less complicated.
Twenty hours of penalty duty.
How come he only
looked at my rifle?
You ratted on me, didn't you?
Ratted? I just love it
when you speak gutter.
Actually, I wanted to
congratulate you, Ryan.
Why? I've got some
incurable disease?
I'm checking up on
that date of yours.
You really do go
with a socialite.
Blair Warner, no less.
You don't mind if I cut in
a few times at the dance?
I thought you had a date.
I did, but, uh, Missy sprained
her ankle, skiing at Vail.
You know this is nice.
Here we are, for the first time,
actually talking decent to each other.
I almost feel close enough
to you to ask you a favor.
These penalty hours
are etched in granite.
No, no, I'm talking
about the dance.
Blair wants me to get her friend
a date, but not with just anybody.
She's a very classy type.
Joanna Marie Polniaczek.
Polniaczek?
You've heard of
Polniaczek Vodka?
Yeah, of course.
She's Polish royalty.
And stacked.
Okay, I'm a
go-for-it kind of guy.
Book her.
Oh, a match made in heaven.
And here's a tip.
She just loves to be kissed
on the neck while dancing.
Okay girls, this is it.
♪
Hey, would you watch
it with the meat cleavers.
Come on, you guys.
Don't rush us.
We're making our entrance.
Yoo-hoo!
Thank you.
This is nice. Oh, it's nice.
You must be Jo.
Hi. Are you my date?
I was supposed to be.
So you shot
yourself in the foot?
If I'd known it was gonna
be you, I would have missed.
Welcome to Stone
Military Academy.
I'm Cadet Corporal
George Knight.
You must be Joanna Marie.
Yeah. You got a package for me?
No, it's your
corsage. I'm your date.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, this is Mrs. Garrett,
Natalie, Tootie, and
Blair. Hello. Good evening.
Mrs. Garrett, Major Dorsey would like to
give you a personal tour of the campus.
He's in his office.
May I?
You certainly may.
He keeps up that heel clicking,
my fillings are gonna fall out.
Jo! Hey, how you doing, kid?
Hey, Buzz, how are you doing?
You look like Napoleon.
You look like the Rose Parade.
I borrowed it. It's
me, don't you think?
Oh, come here.
Uh, I want you to
meet Tootie Ramsay.
Hi. Nice to meet
you. Natalie Green.
Hi. How are you doing?
And, uh, your
date, Blair Warner.
Well, somebody heard
my prayers last night.
Well, we're off to a good start.
Thank you.
Hey, guys, come here.
Girls, Chip Nelson
and Alfred Webster.
Hi, how are you, miss?
Hi. Nice to meet you.
How are you doing?
So, you're Alfred Webster.
Not what you expected, huh?
Listen, who expects?
What's this?
It's your corsage.
Gladiolas.
Stunning.
Tootie. Uh, that's a cute name.
You like it?
See, most people think it
sounds like an ice cream flavor.
So you're the
famous Blair Warner.
Oh, I'm a little nobody
compared to your other girl.
What other girl?
I, uh, told her
about you dating Gloria
Vanderbilt's daughter.
Oh, her, yes.
Well, after meeting
Blair Warner,
all other girls are history.
You are a hoot and a half.
Jo, where have you
been hiding him?
Don't ask.
Ladies, uh, shall we
go to the little girls' room
and pin on these
lovely corsages.
Sure, excuse us.
Bye.
Hey, Knight, isn't Jo
something? Huh? Did I lie?
You lied all over
the place, jail bird.
What are you talking about?
I asked the chaperone
a few innocent questions.
I found out you were
fixed up with Blair.
You didn't even know
her before tonight.
Maybe I didn't, but I do now.
And the vibes are there.
We got more chemistry
going than DuPont.
With a girl like that? Who
are you kidding, sleazo?
Five minutes with a punk like you and
she'll throw you back into your slime pit.
Listen, if I wanted to, I
could make her my girl.
Dream on low-life.
Oh, yeah?
What if you saw me and Blair
kissing hot and heavy in the parking lot?
Without her in chains?
That might convince me.
No, parking lot's off-limits.
If you get caught you
get kicked out of school.
We're not gonna get caught.
We'll be there at 10:00 tonight
in the car she came up in.
Perfect. I'll get there right after
I blow taps for the lower school.
But I know I'll be
the only one there.
Way to go, man, you're gonna
reduce Knight to turkey feathers.
I wanna hear your plan.
Who's got a plan?
Me and my big mouth.
What am I gonna do now?
All right, look,
it's almost 10:00.
Now you guys have to
split off with the other girls
so I can get Blair
out to the parking lot.
Won't be easy.
They travel in a pack.
You can handle Natalie.
Yeah, we are
getting along great.
Boy, does she get thirsty! She
keeps sending me off to get punch.
Chip, you can keep Tootie busy.
Tell her about your
mom's concert tour.
I don't wanna talk about
my mom. I have my own life.
I'm a person, too.
Fine. Then, sing her a
chorus of I Gotta Be Me.
Now, come on. My
time's running out.
Oh, well, dealing with young
girls does keep one on one's toes.
If it's not a romance
crisis, or a gripe session,
it's a pair of
ripped panty-hose.
Mrs. Garrett, it's the
same with the boys.
Hmm?
Oh, except for the
panty-hose, of course.
Well, I'd better go
check on the girls.
Uh, thanks for the tour.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
And, uh, save a dance for me.
All right, I will.
Major Dorsey?
Yes, Cadet Knight?
Sir, regrettably,
I've become aware
that a serious rule
Infraction is being planned.
You seem to have the
franchise on that sort of thing.
What is it?
Well, I don't have all
the information yet, sir.
But if you'll meet me at 10:00
sharp at the bugler's megaphone,
I think it'll be worth
your while, sir.
Blair, you are the most luscious
thing at this dance tonight.
You're so observant.
May I ask you a question?
Of course.
Did Mrs. Garrett leave
the keys in her car?
I believe so.
Oh, good.
Because I have to move it to
another part of the parking lot.
Will you join me?
All right.
Walt a minute.
What?
Before this evening
goes any further,
I just want you to know that
I think you're really special.
Thank you.
They're only found in Venezuela.
Then after they shed their
skin they eat their young.
That's fascinating.
So, uh, can I see
you again sometime?
What can I say?
We are communicating
well, aren't we?
I wonder where
Blair and Buzz went?
Oh, they're around.
Hey, here are my records.
There's a stereo
in the game room.
Oh, good idea.
Paula Nelson Live.
The Many Moods Of Paula Nelson.
Paula Sizzling Hot.
How come you've got
so much Paula Nelson?
Uh, why not?
You can't dance to her.
Paula Nelson is just
elevator music with words.
She's boring. She's square.
She's also my mother.
So tell me about yourself.
Now, look, there's a lot more to
Nurse Barton than just her uniform.
Give me a shot
of that, straight.
But of course.
Punch?
I've already had one.
That creep is part vampire.
Jo, I'm sorry.
Can we dance again? I promise,
your neck is a dead issue.
Forget it. I'm not into maniacs.
Uh, you think you can
dance with that cane?
What cane?
That muffler sounded weird.
Buzz,
I don't think you really
had to move the car.
That was just an excuse to
get me out here, wasn't it?
Uh, can you blame me?
Let's face it, next to you,
Gloria Vanderbilt's
daughter is bowwow city.
Cut the bull.
You never dated Gloria
Vanderbilt's daughter.
I just remembered she
doesn't have a daughter.
How about a niece?
You are a total fraud!
I am not a total fraud!
How about a jerk?
I'll buy that.
Why did you put
on that phony act?
That's the only way you
get anywhere in this world.
Buzz!
Well, would you have given me the
time of day, if I was just some nobody?
But you're not a nobody.
You're Buzz Ryan.
Yeah. Big deal.
I thought enough of you
to come out here, didn't I?
So you could tell me off.
Someone had to.
How else are you gonna find
out that underneath all that bull,
you're charming,
intelligent,
rugged.
You're kind of like...
a young Bogart.
Aw, get out of here.
Bogie? Really?
Why don't you
try being yourself?
Just might be good enough.
Yeah?
♪
Oh, no.
That's it. That's my car.
I still don't believe
it. Not one of my girls!
Cadet Ryan and Miss
Warner are not in there.
You mean they're not
in the line of sight, sir.
In my little Beetle?
No. That's impossible.
Cadet Ryan, are you in there?
Ouch!
No, sir. Under here, sir.
With Blair?
Of course not. I'm
holding the flashlight.
Cadet Ryan, I
want an explanation.
So do I. From you, Blair.
Now, we had an understanding
about nobody leaving the field house.
That's my fault,
not Blair's, ma'am.
I told her It would be okay.
And then when I saw the way your muffler
was mounted, I knew it had to be fixed.
Those fumes can be murder!
Oh, sir, I happen to know that
Ryan didn't have fumes on his mind
when he sneaked out here.
Oh, you were reading my mind?
I don't bother
with trash novels.
How would you like that good
conduct medal up your nose?
Care to eat a bugle, klepto!
Knight!
You're the bugler.
Blow!
Now, regardless of the
circumstances, Ryan, you're off limits.
Yes, sir.
Now, you return to your barracks
while I figure out your penalty hours.
I may need a computer.
Wait, Buzz.
Major Dorsey,
is it against the rules to give
to my date a goodnight kiss
in front of my chaperone?
Oh, okay.
I suppose not.
Hold it.
Uh, with your permission,
sir. Hey, Knight!
Now, Blair.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪