The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 21 - Mind Your Own Business - full transcript
Natalie institutes nine rules of privacy after she learns that Blair looked in her diary.
♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Natalie, you simply
have to help me.
Miss Clymer says if I can just
complete this chemistry experiment
there's a "B Plus"
floating out there for me.
Keep it floating for
a minute. I'm busy.
Chemistry is the one chink
in my scholastic armor.
I need your special attention.
I told you I'd help you, Blair.
But right now I'm
trying to get down
a few of my private
inner adult feelings
while they're still
playing on my soul.
Ah, yes, your diary.
Hey, Nat, when do you
think my private inner feelings
will be worth keeping a secret?
Any year now.
Field hockey.
What a great way to get out
your aggressions with a stick.
The way you play field
hockey is sheer barbarism.
I remember when you
smashed into Jennifer McFadden.
I gave her a body check.
All the way to the parking lot.
You'll never catch
me on the hockey field.
All that ruffian behavior could
play havoc with my bone structure.
So what's the big deal? Plastic
surgery is in your future anyway.
Okay, girls, how do you
like this opening line?
Not again.
Hey, it's not every day I get to make
a speech at the Dietician's Convention.
Thank heaven.
How about this, "My
fellow dieticians..."
Nay.
No?
"Dear women and men
of the dietary industry..."
No.
Hi, there, health-nuts.
Better. Better.
It's time to play
"Hide the Key" again.
Oh, what I used to go through to
hide my diary key when I was a kid.
You had diaries way back then?
Yes. I carved mine on a rock.
All clear.
Well, now I need an opening for
my speech that'll wow the audience.
I think I'll go back through my
back issues of "Food Can Be Fun".
Maybe they say something
snappy about cholesterol,
or amino acid.
Blair, here's something to
help you get that "B Plus".
This chemistry book
taught me everything I know.
Get to know it.
Make it your friend.
Take it to lunch.
This doesn't mean you won't
help me with my chemistry, does it?
I can't get through without you.
Don't worry. The wizard
will handle everything.
But right now, I've got to help
Mrs. Garrett chop some veggies.
We're having Irish stew.
Oh, that reminds me.
If Stuart calls, remember...
Track you down, wherever
you are, on the face of the earth.
Cute.
Wait. What time can we
work on my experiment?
Later. When?
Right after Family Feud.
Family Feud?
Hey, that's some of
the best kissing on TV.
All right. All right.
You're a saint.
Isn't that Natalie a
wonderful person?
A true friend, in every
sense of the word.
Yeah, we all like her.
She's a goddess.
That might be
stretching things a bit.
You know, Nat's
really saving my life.
I'd love to do something
for her. Get her a present.
What would be the
best gift for Natalie?
Rick Springfield.
I would love to get
inside Natalie's mind.
Find out her secret desires.
Of course, she keeps those
locked away in her diary.
Blair, you can't look
in there. Off limits.
I would never do
a thing like that.
And I resent that insinuation.
Don't have a cow, Blair.
Come on, Tootie. Let's
go give Nat a hand.
I'm in the mood to
slap shot a few spuds.
Oh, on second thought, I don't
think Mrs. Garrett would appreciate...
Ah, it's not what you think.
When I left you were
resenting some "insinuations"?
Reading Natalie's diary is the
only way to find out what she wants.
We all know where the key is.
Besides, with all
my chemistry work,
I don't have time to
get creative about gifts.
Keep going. Maybe
you'll convince yourself.
Well, since it's already open,
there's no harm
in taking a peek.
"My objective opinion
of Miss Muldoon,
"alias Moose Jaw.
"She looks like the Hunchback
of Notre Dame, only not as cute."
That Natalie, she calls
them like she sees them.
"Why do I have to love
Phillip Finkleman from afar?
"Blair Warner is an egotistical,
selfish, air-brained witch."
That Natalie, she calls
them like she sees them.
I can't believe it!
Why has Natalie turned on me?
Cool down. I don't
think Natalie...
Look! She just wrote
this a couple of days ago,
that two-faced crumb.
All the time she was helping me,
she was stabbing me in the back.
Don't be such a jerk! Diaries
are just temporary feelings.
Nat doesn't really think you're
an egotistical, air-brained witch
like I do.
Promise me you
won't tell her I saw this.
Are you kidding?
As far as I'm concerned,
I wasn't even in the room.
Besides, Nat didn't say
anything bad about me.
Jo, have I got the
answer to your prayers.
I was just talking to
Mr. Gray, the biology teacher,
and he had some
great suggestions
on how to cure your
snoring problem.
You told that hunk I snore?
I was only trying
to help you, Jo.
But it was personal! I don't
want the whole world to know.
Then move your bed to Alaska.
I don't understand you
guys. I've got nothing to hide.
I'm an open and
above-board kind a gal.
Tootie, about Mr. Gray.
Did he have any suggestions?
Oh, I'm a nervous wreck.
There'll be 1,300 people in the
Fanny Brice Memorial Ballroom
all waiting be amused.
You could always
try mud-wrestling.
Have you decided on
your opening story yet?
No, but I just
went to the library
and checked out some
joke books for inspiration.
Oh, uh, Miss Muldoon told me
she could use some volunteers
to help catalog the
new shipment of books.
Anybody interested?
Oh, I'd love to, Mrs. Garrett,
but my social schedule
simply won't permit it.
Perhaps Natalie
has time to spare.
With "Moose Jaw" Muldoon?
I'll get back to you.
Well, let me know if one of you
gets a sudden surge of school spirit.
I'm surprised you don't want
to work with Miss Muldoon.
After all, you two
are so much alike.
Who cares about Muldoon, Blair?
How are we alike?
Looks, for one thing.
The similarities
are almost spooky.
Me and Miss Quasimodo?
Sure. Stoop over a little
and look in the mirror.
Hey, Nat, why don't you, uh,
come to the movies with me?
It's this new flick.
A Stranger Is Waiting To Get
His Hands Around Your Throat.
Good idea.
Maybe you'll run into
Phillip Finkleman downtown.
What about Phillip Finkleman?
You're crazy about
him. You told me so.
I did not! I didn't tell anyone!
She sure didn't.
I can't imagine why you're
getting so worked up over Phillip.
He's never given
you a second glance.
What about Stuart,
the love of your life?
He hasn't called you
for the last two weeks
and I know you've been waiting.
I should have known better than
to confide in someone like you.
I was a fool to let you
into my life in the first place.
Let me in? You dragged me in!
Face it, Blair, you always want
to share all the details of your life.
An "egotistical, selfish,
air-brained witch" doesn't share!
You read my diary!
She took the key
out of the sock?
You know, too?
Is there anyone here
that doesn't know?
Oh, that's great. Just great!
I was trying to figure out
what to get you as a present.
Try and do some people a favor!
Snooping through
my things is no favor!
Now, Natalie...
Mrs. Garrett, I'm tired of my
life being on the 6:00 news!
Believe me, it
won't happen again.
I'm gonna make some
changes around here.
Okay, guys, the new house
privacy rules are hot off the press.
A little premature, I'd say.
I have some more
additions and clarifications.
Would you guys give me a break?
In the past two days you've
come out with more editions
than The New York Times.
They're necessary.
Yeah, like Rule Number Four,
"No reading over
anyone else's shoulder."
Pardon me. My mistake.
Tootie, you have your own copy of
the rules. You should be memorizing it.
What're you doing with
a box of baking soda?
Jo, Rule Number Five
is, "No explanations."
It's just something for
her chemistry experiment.
How do you know that?
I couldn't help it. I knew it before
I knew I wasn't supposed to know.
Yeah, ease off. She
was talking to me.
You just happened to
be in the same room.
Oh, how am I ever going
to memorize all these?
Like I don't have
enough to study!
Uh, uh, uh.
Are you about to fly in the
face of Rule Number Nine?
"No answering other
people's phone calls."
Easy for you to say,
you never get any.
There's just one little problem.
How do you know if the phone
call is for you or for other people
if you don't answer it?
Great. Now we'll never know
who's calling who for what.
A lock, Natalie?
Just an added measure of security
to which I alone have the combination.
It's right up here.
There's plenty of room for it.
Actually, a lock is
a wonderful idea.
We'll all have to
invest in some.
Not me. If I don't want you to know
something, you're not gonna know it.
I just tried on
everything in my closet
and nothing is right for
the convention tonight.
Anyone want to come
along with me to Harrison's?
You bet!
Jo, you hate shopping.
Anything's better than watching
them watching each other.
This is like living in Poland.
I'm with you.
Uh, girls, uh, who was
that on the phone before?
We don't know.
We didn't answer it.
Why not?
Mrs. Garrett, you're the
only one we can count on
for complete respect
of confidentiality.
I'm afraid you're going to have to
answer the phone exclusively from now on.
I'm afraid we're going to
have to have a long talk.
But not now.
Oh, in four hours I'm going to be giving
my speech in front of 1,200 people...
Thirteen hundred.
Thirteen hundred! And
I have nothing to wear!
Oh, there must be something
that's not frumpy in Peekskill!
I hate to break into your
individual private study time,
but I've got to talk to you bad.
Go ahead. I'll let
it slide this time.
I forgot the combination
to my lock upstairs!
It was something like 19-27-6,
or 29-6-17 or 9-27-6.
I know there was a
two in there somewhere.
I don't know it, Nat.
You never told me.
I thought you might
have peeked and...
Uh, that would have
been against the rules.
Your rules.
I know, I know.
But there's a 10-page
essay up in that footlocker
that I've been working on for
weeks. And it's due tomorrow!
Tell your teacher
it's in solitary.
I'm going to have to
start all over from scratch.
And who do I have
to thank for this?
Nat, uh, I'm sorry. I really
wish I could help you.
I know you do. Thanks, Tootie.
Girls, what do you
think of my new blouse?
What about my hair?
Oh, here you go, Blair.
Oh, great, the stuff I need
for my chemistry experiment.
Mrs. Garrett, you are a
witness to history in the making.
I thought you and Natalie were
working on that experiment together.
"Together"?
That word is no longer
a part of our vocabulary.
I'm very worried
about you girls.
But I'm more worried about me.
Tell me, girls,
uh, do you think this blouse says
that I'm a knowledgeable dietician?
Confident, forceful,
authoritative?
Or does it make me look cheap?
You look like a million bucks!
Marked down from a million five.
Thanks, Jo. I needed that.
Oh, let's see. I hope I
haven't forgotten anything.
I've, uh, double-checked
the directions,
gassed up the car, timed
out the route to Poughkeepsie.
Remember to stand up straight.
Shoulders back. Yes.
And project that
vibrant personality
all the way to the
back of the room.
Um, well, aren't one of
you going to get the phone?
Well, you don't expect me to...
Oh! Oh, this is ridiculous!
Oh, for heaven's sake!
These rules are working out
rather well, don't you think?
Swimmingly.
Well, I can't concentrate.
All this private study time
is getting too noisy for me.
Blair, that was
Paul calling for you.
I told him you were
busy making history.
Mrs. Garrett, could you
please refrain from blurting out
private messages
in front of others?
Paul who?
Paul Anderson!
Paul Anderson? That toad.
Mrs. Garrett, could you
please write down my messages
and hand them to me discreetly?
I don't believe this.
I'm afraid Blair has a point.
You know, if you girls
want to drive me crazy,
and it's obvious that you do,
you'll have to wait till
later. Right now, I'm late.
And I still don't
have an opening.
Oh...
Maybe something funny will happen
between here and Poughkeepsie.
Oh, where is Milton
Berle when you need him?
Boy! Is she mad. I
wonder what's eating her.
Must have been
something you said.
Me? Oh, she's got some nerve.
Blair's the one who's...
Who's...
Who's got this formula
completely botched.
I don't believe it!
What? Oh, no!
Nat, what's so funny about
Blair's chemistry experiment?
You'll see. Oh, we gotta
watch this, but from a distance.
Why, is it dangerous?
It's not fatal.
Nat, come on.
It's just that her
procedure is all wrong.
You see, when the thermal
distillation solution chemicalizes,
it'll produce sulphur dioxide.
In English.
She'll stink like a
skunk for a week.
My beakers are warming.
Just call me Madame Curie.
The Nobel Prize could be next.
Booby prize is more like it.
Nat, we've got to tell her.
No, we don't. Tootie,
Blair would kill us
if she knew we invaded her
privacy by reading her notes.
Nat, I'm sure she'd understand if
she knew what was going to happen.
Tootie, you know the rules.
I almost drove off
without my notes.
I was practicing my speech
while molding my meatloaf
and I left them on
the kitchen counter.
But... BLAIR: Back! Back!
Back in the beaker!
Oh! Oh!
Ow!
Are you all right?
I don't know what went wrong.
I was following
my notes to a tee
and then suddenly everything
started bubbling up all over.
All over me!
Oh! It's disgusting.
What is that revolting smell?
Why, Blair, it's you.
Oh, dear!
Now, I'm going to have
to shower and change,
and I'm really late
for the convention.
Look, on the bright
side, Mrs. Garrett,
you were looking for a
funny thing that happened.
Trust me, this is a funny thing.
It is?
It is.
This is good.
I got a solid five minutes.
Well, as long as nobody's dead.
Even though it smells
like it's... I got stuff to do.
I'll never get my "B Plus" now.
I'm a disgrace to
the Warner family.
I feel like such a failure.
Don't feel too bad, Blair.
You almost had it right.
Almost? How would you know that?
I accidentally saw your notes.
And your mistake.
And you didn't tell me?
I didn't interfere. I
respect the privacy rules.
What about the rule against
looking at my notes in the first place?
That rule I had a
little trouble with.
I'm having trouble
with all the rules.
I think they're dumb and
I can't memorize them.
And haven't you guys ever
heard of the word "Trust"?
I may have
overreacted. A little.
You know, Blair, I'd be willing
to lose Rule Number Two.
The one about interfering.
I could certainly live
without Rule Number Three.
Oh, of course, if we
lose Two and Three
that automatically
nullifies One through Nine.
It does?
Of course it does.
Hey, I've just come
up with a new rule.
Tootie.
Dump all previous rules.
Blair, I didn't mean all the
things I said about you in my diary.
I wrote it right after you polished
all your jewelry with my toothbrush.
That really left a bad
taste in my mouth.
No, I started all this, Natalie.
I should never have read
your diary in the first place.
No, no, no, it was all my fault.
It's both your
faults! Case closed.
Now can we all
get back to normal?
You can.
I've got to go upstairs and start
writing my 10-page essay. Again.
I have exactly 13
hours, 22 minutes...
Hey, Nat.
My essay! I'm saved, I'm
saved! What about the lock?
I got it open.
How?
I got it open.
I don't care how
you did it. Thanks, Jo.
Nat, can you please help
me with my chemistry now?
That all depends.
Do I still look like
"Moose Jaw" Muldoon?
Not if I get my "B Plus".
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Natalie, you simply
have to help me.
Miss Clymer says if I can just
complete this chemistry experiment
there's a "B Plus"
floating out there for me.
Keep it floating for
a minute. I'm busy.
Chemistry is the one chink
in my scholastic armor.
I need your special attention.
I told you I'd help you, Blair.
But right now I'm
trying to get down
a few of my private
inner adult feelings
while they're still
playing on my soul.
Ah, yes, your diary.
Hey, Nat, when do you
think my private inner feelings
will be worth keeping a secret?
Any year now.
Field hockey.
What a great way to get out
your aggressions with a stick.
The way you play field
hockey is sheer barbarism.
I remember when you
smashed into Jennifer McFadden.
I gave her a body check.
All the way to the parking lot.
You'll never catch
me on the hockey field.
All that ruffian behavior could
play havoc with my bone structure.
So what's the big deal? Plastic
surgery is in your future anyway.
Okay, girls, how do you
like this opening line?
Not again.
Hey, it's not every day I get to make
a speech at the Dietician's Convention.
Thank heaven.
How about this, "My
fellow dieticians..."
Nay.
No?
"Dear women and men
of the dietary industry..."
No.
Hi, there, health-nuts.
Better. Better.
It's time to play
"Hide the Key" again.
Oh, what I used to go through to
hide my diary key when I was a kid.
You had diaries way back then?
Yes. I carved mine on a rock.
All clear.
Well, now I need an opening for
my speech that'll wow the audience.
I think I'll go back through my
back issues of "Food Can Be Fun".
Maybe they say something
snappy about cholesterol,
or amino acid.
Blair, here's something to
help you get that "B Plus".
This chemistry book
taught me everything I know.
Get to know it.
Make it your friend.
Take it to lunch.
This doesn't mean you won't
help me with my chemistry, does it?
I can't get through without you.
Don't worry. The wizard
will handle everything.
But right now, I've got to help
Mrs. Garrett chop some veggies.
We're having Irish stew.
Oh, that reminds me.
If Stuart calls, remember...
Track you down, wherever
you are, on the face of the earth.
Cute.
Wait. What time can we
work on my experiment?
Later. When?
Right after Family Feud.
Family Feud?
Hey, that's some of
the best kissing on TV.
All right. All right.
You're a saint.
Isn't that Natalie a
wonderful person?
A true friend, in every
sense of the word.
Yeah, we all like her.
She's a goddess.
That might be
stretching things a bit.
You know, Nat's
really saving my life.
I'd love to do something
for her. Get her a present.
What would be the
best gift for Natalie?
Rick Springfield.
I would love to get
inside Natalie's mind.
Find out her secret desires.
Of course, she keeps those
locked away in her diary.
Blair, you can't look
in there. Off limits.
I would never do
a thing like that.
And I resent that insinuation.
Don't have a cow, Blair.
Come on, Tootie. Let's
go give Nat a hand.
I'm in the mood to
slap shot a few spuds.
Oh, on second thought, I don't
think Mrs. Garrett would appreciate...
Ah, it's not what you think.
When I left you were
resenting some "insinuations"?
Reading Natalie's diary is the
only way to find out what she wants.
We all know where the key is.
Besides, with all
my chemistry work,
I don't have time to
get creative about gifts.
Keep going. Maybe
you'll convince yourself.
Well, since it's already open,
there's no harm
in taking a peek.
"My objective opinion
of Miss Muldoon,
"alias Moose Jaw.
"She looks like the Hunchback
of Notre Dame, only not as cute."
That Natalie, she calls
them like she sees them.
"Why do I have to love
Phillip Finkleman from afar?
"Blair Warner is an egotistical,
selfish, air-brained witch."
That Natalie, she calls
them like she sees them.
I can't believe it!
Why has Natalie turned on me?
Cool down. I don't
think Natalie...
Look! She just wrote
this a couple of days ago,
that two-faced crumb.
All the time she was helping me,
she was stabbing me in the back.
Don't be such a jerk! Diaries
are just temporary feelings.
Nat doesn't really think you're
an egotistical, air-brained witch
like I do.
Promise me you
won't tell her I saw this.
Are you kidding?
As far as I'm concerned,
I wasn't even in the room.
Besides, Nat didn't say
anything bad about me.
Jo, have I got the
answer to your prayers.
I was just talking to
Mr. Gray, the biology teacher,
and he had some
great suggestions
on how to cure your
snoring problem.
You told that hunk I snore?
I was only trying
to help you, Jo.
But it was personal! I don't
want the whole world to know.
Then move your bed to Alaska.
I don't understand you
guys. I've got nothing to hide.
I'm an open and
above-board kind a gal.
Tootie, about Mr. Gray.
Did he have any suggestions?
Oh, I'm a nervous wreck.
There'll be 1,300 people in the
Fanny Brice Memorial Ballroom
all waiting be amused.
You could always
try mud-wrestling.
Have you decided on
your opening story yet?
No, but I just
went to the library
and checked out some
joke books for inspiration.
Oh, uh, Miss Muldoon told me
she could use some volunteers
to help catalog the
new shipment of books.
Anybody interested?
Oh, I'd love to, Mrs. Garrett,
but my social schedule
simply won't permit it.
Perhaps Natalie
has time to spare.
With "Moose Jaw" Muldoon?
I'll get back to you.
Well, let me know if one of you
gets a sudden surge of school spirit.
I'm surprised you don't want
to work with Miss Muldoon.
After all, you two
are so much alike.
Who cares about Muldoon, Blair?
How are we alike?
Looks, for one thing.
The similarities
are almost spooky.
Me and Miss Quasimodo?
Sure. Stoop over a little
and look in the mirror.
Hey, Nat, why don't you, uh,
come to the movies with me?
It's this new flick.
A Stranger Is Waiting To Get
His Hands Around Your Throat.
Good idea.
Maybe you'll run into
Phillip Finkleman downtown.
What about Phillip Finkleman?
You're crazy about
him. You told me so.
I did not! I didn't tell anyone!
She sure didn't.
I can't imagine why you're
getting so worked up over Phillip.
He's never given
you a second glance.
What about Stuart,
the love of your life?
He hasn't called you
for the last two weeks
and I know you've been waiting.
I should have known better than
to confide in someone like you.
I was a fool to let you
into my life in the first place.
Let me in? You dragged me in!
Face it, Blair, you always want
to share all the details of your life.
An "egotistical, selfish,
air-brained witch" doesn't share!
You read my diary!
She took the key
out of the sock?
You know, too?
Is there anyone here
that doesn't know?
Oh, that's great. Just great!
I was trying to figure out
what to get you as a present.
Try and do some people a favor!
Snooping through
my things is no favor!
Now, Natalie...
Mrs. Garrett, I'm tired of my
life being on the 6:00 news!
Believe me, it
won't happen again.
I'm gonna make some
changes around here.
Okay, guys, the new house
privacy rules are hot off the press.
A little premature, I'd say.
I have some more
additions and clarifications.
Would you guys give me a break?
In the past two days you've
come out with more editions
than The New York Times.
They're necessary.
Yeah, like Rule Number Four,
"No reading over
anyone else's shoulder."
Pardon me. My mistake.
Tootie, you have your own copy of
the rules. You should be memorizing it.
What're you doing with
a box of baking soda?
Jo, Rule Number Five
is, "No explanations."
It's just something for
her chemistry experiment.
How do you know that?
I couldn't help it. I knew it before
I knew I wasn't supposed to know.
Yeah, ease off. She
was talking to me.
You just happened to
be in the same room.
Oh, how am I ever going
to memorize all these?
Like I don't have
enough to study!
Uh, uh, uh.
Are you about to fly in the
face of Rule Number Nine?
"No answering other
people's phone calls."
Easy for you to say,
you never get any.
There's just one little problem.
How do you know if the phone
call is for you or for other people
if you don't answer it?
Great. Now we'll never know
who's calling who for what.
A lock, Natalie?
Just an added measure of security
to which I alone have the combination.
It's right up here.
There's plenty of room for it.
Actually, a lock is
a wonderful idea.
We'll all have to
invest in some.
Not me. If I don't want you to know
something, you're not gonna know it.
I just tried on
everything in my closet
and nothing is right for
the convention tonight.
Anyone want to come
along with me to Harrison's?
You bet!
Jo, you hate shopping.
Anything's better than watching
them watching each other.
This is like living in Poland.
I'm with you.
Uh, girls, uh, who was
that on the phone before?
We don't know.
We didn't answer it.
Why not?
Mrs. Garrett, you're the
only one we can count on
for complete respect
of confidentiality.
I'm afraid you're going to have to
answer the phone exclusively from now on.
I'm afraid we're going to
have to have a long talk.
But not now.
Oh, in four hours I'm going to be giving
my speech in front of 1,200 people...
Thirteen hundred.
Thirteen hundred! And
I have nothing to wear!
Oh, there must be something
that's not frumpy in Peekskill!
I hate to break into your
individual private study time,
but I've got to talk to you bad.
Go ahead. I'll let
it slide this time.
I forgot the combination
to my lock upstairs!
It was something like 19-27-6,
or 29-6-17 or 9-27-6.
I know there was a
two in there somewhere.
I don't know it, Nat.
You never told me.
I thought you might
have peeked and...
Uh, that would have
been against the rules.
Your rules.
I know, I know.
But there's a 10-page
essay up in that footlocker
that I've been working on for
weeks. And it's due tomorrow!
Tell your teacher
it's in solitary.
I'm going to have to
start all over from scratch.
And who do I have
to thank for this?
Nat, uh, I'm sorry. I really
wish I could help you.
I know you do. Thanks, Tootie.
Girls, what do you
think of my new blouse?
What about my hair?
Oh, here you go, Blair.
Oh, great, the stuff I need
for my chemistry experiment.
Mrs. Garrett, you are a
witness to history in the making.
I thought you and Natalie were
working on that experiment together.
"Together"?
That word is no longer
a part of our vocabulary.
I'm very worried
about you girls.
But I'm more worried about me.
Tell me, girls,
uh, do you think this blouse says
that I'm a knowledgeable dietician?
Confident, forceful,
authoritative?
Or does it make me look cheap?
You look like a million bucks!
Marked down from a million five.
Thanks, Jo. I needed that.
Oh, let's see. I hope I
haven't forgotten anything.
I've, uh, double-checked
the directions,
gassed up the car, timed
out the route to Poughkeepsie.
Remember to stand up straight.
Shoulders back. Yes.
And project that
vibrant personality
all the way to the
back of the room.
Um, well, aren't one of
you going to get the phone?
Well, you don't expect me to...
Oh! Oh, this is ridiculous!
Oh, for heaven's sake!
These rules are working out
rather well, don't you think?
Swimmingly.
Well, I can't concentrate.
All this private study time
is getting too noisy for me.
Blair, that was
Paul calling for you.
I told him you were
busy making history.
Mrs. Garrett, could you
please refrain from blurting out
private messages
in front of others?
Paul who?
Paul Anderson!
Paul Anderson? That toad.
Mrs. Garrett, could you
please write down my messages
and hand them to me discreetly?
I don't believe this.
I'm afraid Blair has a point.
You know, if you girls
want to drive me crazy,
and it's obvious that you do,
you'll have to wait till
later. Right now, I'm late.
And I still don't
have an opening.
Oh...
Maybe something funny will happen
between here and Poughkeepsie.
Oh, where is Milton
Berle when you need him?
Boy! Is she mad. I
wonder what's eating her.
Must have been
something you said.
Me? Oh, she's got some nerve.
Blair's the one who's...
Who's...
Who's got this formula
completely botched.
I don't believe it!
What? Oh, no!
Nat, what's so funny about
Blair's chemistry experiment?
You'll see. Oh, we gotta
watch this, but from a distance.
Why, is it dangerous?
It's not fatal.
Nat, come on.
It's just that her
procedure is all wrong.
You see, when the thermal
distillation solution chemicalizes,
it'll produce sulphur dioxide.
In English.
She'll stink like a
skunk for a week.
My beakers are warming.
Just call me Madame Curie.
The Nobel Prize could be next.
Booby prize is more like it.
Nat, we've got to tell her.
No, we don't. Tootie,
Blair would kill us
if she knew we invaded her
privacy by reading her notes.
Nat, I'm sure she'd understand if
she knew what was going to happen.
Tootie, you know the rules.
I almost drove off
without my notes.
I was practicing my speech
while molding my meatloaf
and I left them on
the kitchen counter.
But... BLAIR: Back! Back!
Back in the beaker!
Oh! Oh!
Ow!
Are you all right?
I don't know what went wrong.
I was following
my notes to a tee
and then suddenly everything
started bubbling up all over.
All over me!
Oh! It's disgusting.
What is that revolting smell?
Why, Blair, it's you.
Oh, dear!
Now, I'm going to have
to shower and change,
and I'm really late
for the convention.
Look, on the bright
side, Mrs. Garrett,
you were looking for a
funny thing that happened.
Trust me, this is a funny thing.
It is?
It is.
This is good.
I got a solid five minutes.
Well, as long as nobody's dead.
Even though it smells
like it's... I got stuff to do.
I'll never get my "B Plus" now.
I'm a disgrace to
the Warner family.
I feel like such a failure.
Don't feel too bad, Blair.
You almost had it right.
Almost? How would you know that?
I accidentally saw your notes.
And your mistake.
And you didn't tell me?
I didn't interfere. I
respect the privacy rules.
What about the rule against
looking at my notes in the first place?
That rule I had a
little trouble with.
I'm having trouble
with all the rules.
I think they're dumb and
I can't memorize them.
And haven't you guys ever
heard of the word "Trust"?
I may have
overreacted. A little.
You know, Blair, I'd be willing
to lose Rule Number Two.
The one about interfering.
I could certainly live
without Rule Number Three.
Oh, of course, if we
lose Two and Three
that automatically
nullifies One through Nine.
It does?
Of course it does.
Hey, I've just come
up with a new rule.
Tootie.
Dump all previous rules.
Blair, I didn't mean all the
things I said about you in my diary.
I wrote it right after you polished
all your jewelry with my toothbrush.
That really left a bad
taste in my mouth.
No, I started all this, Natalie.
I should never have read
your diary in the first place.
No, no, no, it was all my fault.
It's both your
faults! Case closed.
Now can we all
get back to normal?
You can.
I've got to go upstairs and start
writing my 10-page essay. Again.
I have exactly 13
hours, 22 minutes...
Hey, Nat.
My essay! I'm saved, I'm
saved! What about the lock?
I got it open.
How?
I got it open.
I don't care how
you did it. Thanks, Jo.
Nat, can you please help
me with my chemistry now?
That all depends.
Do I still look like
"Moose Jaw" Muldoon?
Not if I get my "B Plus".
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪