The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 20 - Kids Can Be Cruel - full transcript
During the preparations for a box lunch charity auction, the girls are gazing over an Eastland/Bates "Slam Book", in which those writing the comments are identified by numbers instead of names. Mrs. Garrett is horrified by the cruel comments in there. When Blair reveals to one of the Bates boys that Natalie is number 10, Natalie gets her revenge by telling a Bates boy named Carl Price, whom the other boys tease because of his severe acne, which of the box lunches belongs to Blair.
♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Well, I'm finished.
You got a full meal in there?
A salad, a main
course and a dessert?
Sure. A radish, a fig and
a piece of turkey jerky.
Jo, what boy's gonna
spend the evening with you
if he has to bid on
a dinner like that?
You catch on real
fast, Mrs. Garrett.
Oh, Tootie, you're
lucky you're too young
to be dragged into
Blair's latest scam.
Can't you forget your averse
snobbery for Bates boys
long enough to help
the World Hunger Fund?
Like you?
Who are you trying to kid with
these fancy boomerang buns?
That's a croissant, you peasant.
You're just baiting the trap for
your latest victim, Dink Lockwood.
I don't need to bait a trap.
Dink's already in it.
He plans to outbid everyone
on my dinner box tonight.
It's supposed to be anonymous.
How does he know which is yours?
He pried it out of me.
How do you say no to a fullback?
He's such a marvelous
mass of muscle.
Mostly above his eyebrows.
Natalie, aren't you gonna
finish your dinner box?
In a minute. I've already
put the main course in here.
Oh.
Jelly beans?
Some people like a sugar rush.
There. I'm finished.
Who's next on Blair's slam book?
Me.
Slam book. Is that homework?
A poison pen
directory is what it is.
Au contraire.
It's simply an opinion poll.
Yeah. And so you
can be really honest,
you sign with a number
instead of your name.
You write your
opinions of everyone.
See, this is Maggie Ellis' page.
Oh, here's one signed Number 6.
"There's only one thing
wrong with Maggie Ellis.
"She's got enough whiskers
to make a walrus jealous."
Why, that's just awful.
Being honest doesn't give
you the right to be vicious.
Oh, tish.
And it isn't all criticism.
It's loaded with praise, too.
For the right people.
You mean like the rave
you wrote for Tim Holifield,
Miss Number 10?
What do you mean, Number 10?
What makes you
think I'm Number 10?
I'm not a fool, young lady.
The number on Tim's
football jersey is 10,
you brush your hair
10 times on each side
and you put 10
pounds of jelly beans,
Tim's favorite candy,
in your dinner box.
All right, I'm Number 10.
But you've all gotta swear you
won't tell anyone my number.
Nat, what's wrong with you?
If you like the guy,
grab him and tell him he
drives you out of your tree.
You're such a simple life form.
What if I get rebuffed?
Or worse, what if
he laughed at me?
No, for now I'm content
to worship Tim from afar.
What if he buys your
dinner box tonight?
Then I'll worship
him from a-close.
Oh, good, that's Dink. He's
bringing a stereo system over.
Oh, he's brought a couple
of guys over to help him.
One of them is Tim Holifield.
Mrs. Garrett, wait
till you see him.
His eyes... You told
me. They're so blue,
they make Paul
Newman's look brown.
Hello?
Dink. I'd know those
knees anywhere.
Blair?
Of course it's Blair, you brute.
Hi, babe.
Wow, this firetrap
looks outrageous.
Really excellent.
Isn't he a stitch?
Hi, group.
Hey, Dink. Whatcha think?
Hi, Natalie.
Hey, it's the Bronx bombshell.
You read any good books lately?
Yeah, Dink. Read any
good Cocoa Puff boxes?
Hi, gang.
Hey, Tim, o-over here with that.
Oh, no, no, Tim, over here.
Let me help you with it.
Well, sure, Natalie.
We wouldn't want you
to strain that passing arm.
Who knows when you
might want to make a pass?
Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
Dink.
Hey, Tim, let's go out
and get the big speaker.
There's a bigger speaker?
Just how loud do you
expect the music to get?
I wouldn't bring out
any wine glasses.
Oh, hey, everybody,
get ready for a thrill.
Rocky Price is on his
way with his tape deck.
Rocky Price? Yeah.
He could cure world
hunger just by showing up.
Everybody'd lose their appetite.
Who's Rocky Price?
Oh, don't call him Rocky.
His name's Carl.
Those Bates guys call
him Rocky behind his back
because of his complexion.
That's the worst
thing I ever heard.
No, it isn't.
You should read the
other names he's called.
Pizza face, Moonscape,
Peanut Cluster...
I've had it with that slam book
and if I get my hands on it,
it's going right into my Cuisinart.
Oh, no, you don't.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Carl.
Hello, Carl.
What's shaking, Carl?
You must be Carl.
I'm Edna Garrett. Hello.
Oh, how sweet of you.
You brought your
tape deck, tapes, too.
Is that the dance music?
Oh, no, it's for listening.
I'm what they call a Deadhead.
Who called you that?
Oh, no, it's okay, Mrs. Garrett.
A Deadhead is a fan
of the Grateful Dead.
Oh.
Blair, I didn't think you knew
about the Grateful Dead.
Sure.
The beautiful people
love rock and roll, too.
Oh, why don't I show you
where to set that up, hmm?
Tell me one thing about
that group, The Grateful Dead.
If they're dead, why
are they so grateful?
All right, over there, big guy.
Yeah, always the quarterback,
always the quarterback.
Now, remember, Dink, it's
the pink box with the red ribbon.
Right. I told all the guys
not to bid against me.
What's in it?
Mmm, just a little
romantic snack.
Jambon. Fromage. Croissant.
Yeah, but what kind of food?
Ham and cheese
on boomerang buns.
Yeah.
Tim, you must be exhausted
after moving those big speakers.
I bet you could
use some Gatorade.
Yeah, really. Thanks, Natalie.
Coming right up.
Tootie, could you give me a
hand with the refreshments?
I guess, but why?
Because after that, you
could stay in the kitchen
so I can be alone with Tim.
I'm cool.
Blair, your slam
book is really key.
Especially Rocky Price's page.
It's brutal!
I know.
Hey! Hey, Holifield,
you got a page.
No kidding?
Yeah. Let's see.
This Number 10 thinks
you're some kind of a god.
Wow, this is embarrassing.
So, who is this
Number 10 anyway?
Come on, Tim, you know who
has a humongous crush on you.
I don't.
Well, give me some clues.
Well, she's editor
of the school paper,
she's packed her dinner
box with your favorite food
and she just left the room.
Uh-huh.
Here you are, Tim.
One Gatorade, coming up.
Thanks,
Number 10.
Huh?
What's he talking about?
Listen, Natalie,
I really would like to bid
on your dinner tonight,
but I'm kind of going
steady with Cynthia.
You understand?
Hey, Tim, no problem.
I'll just sell my dinner to Burt
Reynolds, as originally planned.
You're a crack-up.
Hey, and, uh...
Thanks for all the nice things
you said about me in here.
- Let's go, Dink.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, pink with a
red ribbon, right?
What a memory. Oh!
You told him.
I did not.
Okay, so I gave him a few clues.
He thought it was cute.
Cute?
My crashing and burning is cute?
Blair, this is war.
And it won't be cute.
I take no prisoners.
Sold for $4.50.
A real bargain.
And your date for the evening,
Linda Calderall!
Hi, Mrs. Garrett. Hi, Carl.
Hey, you sure look spiffy.
Oh, you think so? Mmm.
Thanks.
Hey, Blair.
Hi.
And now, a gourmet diet dinner
featuring... Yum, yum!
A crisp, red radish,
a luscious fig,
and teasingly
tangy turkey jerky!
Would you cool it? You're
making it sound good.
That's my job.
What am I bid? $3.
$5, and there's plenty
more where that came from.
Jo, you're not
supposed to buy your...
Going once, twice, sold. Next.
Here's the next one.
Ah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a gourmet feast!
"Salade champignon,
"jambon, fromage,
"et un croissant."
Pardon her French.
There's nothing
wrong with my French.
Now, who will start with $3?
$10.
Oh. Oh... Dink, you're a doll!
Well... That's the
highest bid so far.
Any other bidders?
$10, going once,
going twice... $15.
$15. Good for you, Carl.
$17.
$17.50. $19.
What's Carl doing?
He's bidding on
Blair's dinner box.
Yeah, but how does
he know it's hers?
Got me.
$19. Do I hear... $19.50.
$25.
Sorry, Dink. They
don't take lint.
$25, going once...
Do you take credit cards?
Sorry, no plastic.
Going twice.
Sold to Carl Price for $25.
And your date for the evening
is Blair Warner.
Blair?
I don't believe Blair
ended up with Carl.
Tell me I'm dreaming.
You're wide awake.
This'll be some character
builder for the little princess.
Why don't you put on
some nice dinner music?
How about the theme
from Endless Love?
Love it.
I don't believe this.
I don't either.
What are we going to do?
Why would Rocky want
to buy your dinner anyway?
To have dinner
with me, of course.
He probably saw you
bidding on my dinner box
and went slightly berserk.
I have that effect on men.
Or it could have happened
in an entirely different way.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. I have
something to do.
Like what?
I've been meaning to check
the shelf life of these cereals.
They'll outlive you.
You had something
to do with this, admit it.
I might have.
I had every right to,
after you humiliated
me in front of Tim.
You told that awful Rocky
Price that was my dinner box.
Just like you told
Tim I was Number 10.
I think that's your
basic eye for an eye.
That's right. You're looking
at zero self-image here
with heavy psychiatrist
bills in the future.
And heavy doctor
bills right now.
Hey, what's the big deal?
So you spend one
mildly humiliating night
with Rocky Price.
I'll tell him you're
on your way.
I am not going out there.
Hey, where'd Blair go?
As far away from
you as possible.
She doesn't wanna have
dinner with you, Pizza Face.
Hey, I happen to know she does.
You can't really believe that.
Did you ever look in a mirror?
Now, Dink.
You wouldn't want to be known
as a sore loser, would you?
Well, Blair is
gonna be the loser
if she has to have dinner with
the Rocky Horror Show here.
Oh, knock it off, Dink.
Nobody knows
whose dinner is whose.
Everything was fair and square.
Sorry, but I did know.
So did I.
Blair called me.
Ha! I'll bet. When?
5:30 this afternoon.
She said she'd love
to have dinner with me.
5:30?
You're into science fiction.
Blair was with me at 5:30.
Am I lying, Tim?
I saw them together.
Oh, yeah? Then who called me?
Natalie?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Excuse me.
In the kitchen.
Why don't you all just mingle?
There's gonna be hollerin'.
You called Carl, didn't you?
And convinced him she was me.
How could you do that?
It's easy. You just talk sticky
sweet and say "darling" a lot.
This isn't funny,
Jo. It's plain cruel.
Natalie, I'm really
shocked at what you did.
I'm appalled.
Mrs. Garrett, you know what Blair
did to me. I had to pay her back.
But you didn't pay Blair back.
That young man out there
is the one who's paying.
I know, but I didn't mean to...
You mean, you didn't think.
I've been listening to you kids.
Sometimes you have
about as much compassion
as a school of piranhas.
I admit it. It
went a little far.
A little far?
Mrs. Garrett, I never thought
it would turn out this way.
Of course you didn't.
It's always a joke.
All in good fun.
Until one morning you
wake up with a pizza face
or some other problem
that everyone's laughing at.
Believe me, it won't
be half as funny then.
Oh, the guilt.
Blair?
Uh...
Hi, Carl. I... I was just
looking for an aspirin.
Maybe you can
forget the aspirin.
I know you didn't call me.
Carl,
I called you.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, I knew it was a joke.
Yeah, I was just playing along.
Carl. Sure.
I have to be out
of my mind to think
that Blair's gonna
call me for a date.
I'm not exactly Dink Lockwood.
Be proud.
Here's your dinner, Blair.
See you.
Wait a minute, Carl.
This is your dinner.
You paid for it.
That's okay.
It all goes to charity.
Excuse me, I better
go adjust the stereo.
Too much bass.
There goes one very fine boy.
And a very hurt one, too, Blair.
Well, don't everybody
look at me like it's my fault.
I'm an injured party, too.
Forget it. I'm gonna
have dinner with Carl.
If anyone should, I should.
Carl paid for this,
and part of the package was a
charming, loveable dinner date.
That's me.
Please, hasn't the
boy suffered enough?
I'm having dinner with Carl.
Don't do him any favors.
He paid to have dinner with me.
Besides, someone might
come to the ridiculous conclusion
that he preferred you over me.
Hi.
Hi.
Hungry yet?
Not really.
I'm starved. Do you mind
if I go ahead and start?
Don't you have your
charities mixed up?
It's for world hunger,
not Carl Price.
I was afraid of this. What?
My croissant didn't
travel very well.
You know, looks like one
of those floppy watches
in that Dali painting
at the MOMA.
The MOMA?
Oh, yeah. M-O-M-A.
It's sort of a nickname for
the Museum of Modern
Art. In New York.
I know that. We're trustees.
I didn't think you'd know that.
Yeah.
I usually get by there
whenever I'm home.
Really?
I haunt the place.
Did you see the cubist show?
Are you kidding? I
saw it three times.
You know, Picasso's
my favorite square.
Okay, yes, he is marvelous,
but Braque is the master.
Now, hold it. If we're
talking about the master,
they both learned
everything from Cezanne.
You know, I copied one of
his still lifes at the Metropolitan.
Do you paint?
Do I paint?
No.
It was awful.
Can you imagine how
embarrassing it is to be sitting
in the middle of the museum
with paints and an easel
and be terrible?
I was thinking of trying that.
Thanks for the warning.
Croissant?
Merci.
You know, it's been two years, I
still haven't had the nerve to go back.
I don't blame you.
The Metropolitan. On
a Saturday afternoon.
Crowds of people,
and I'm sitting there...
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪
♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪
♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
Well, I'm finished.
You got a full meal in there?
A salad, a main
course and a dessert?
Sure. A radish, a fig and
a piece of turkey jerky.
Jo, what boy's gonna
spend the evening with you
if he has to bid on
a dinner like that?
You catch on real
fast, Mrs. Garrett.
Oh, Tootie, you're
lucky you're too young
to be dragged into
Blair's latest scam.
Can't you forget your averse
snobbery for Bates boys
long enough to help
the World Hunger Fund?
Like you?
Who are you trying to kid with
these fancy boomerang buns?
That's a croissant, you peasant.
You're just baiting the trap for
your latest victim, Dink Lockwood.
I don't need to bait a trap.
Dink's already in it.
He plans to outbid everyone
on my dinner box tonight.
It's supposed to be anonymous.
How does he know which is yours?
He pried it out of me.
How do you say no to a fullback?
He's such a marvelous
mass of muscle.
Mostly above his eyebrows.
Natalie, aren't you gonna
finish your dinner box?
In a minute. I've already
put the main course in here.
Oh.
Jelly beans?
Some people like a sugar rush.
There. I'm finished.
Who's next on Blair's slam book?
Me.
Slam book. Is that homework?
A poison pen
directory is what it is.
Au contraire.
It's simply an opinion poll.
Yeah. And so you
can be really honest,
you sign with a number
instead of your name.
You write your
opinions of everyone.
See, this is Maggie Ellis' page.
Oh, here's one signed Number 6.
"There's only one thing
wrong with Maggie Ellis.
"She's got enough whiskers
to make a walrus jealous."
Why, that's just awful.
Being honest doesn't give
you the right to be vicious.
Oh, tish.
And it isn't all criticism.
It's loaded with praise, too.
For the right people.
You mean like the rave
you wrote for Tim Holifield,
Miss Number 10?
What do you mean, Number 10?
What makes you
think I'm Number 10?
I'm not a fool, young lady.
The number on Tim's
football jersey is 10,
you brush your hair
10 times on each side
and you put 10
pounds of jelly beans,
Tim's favorite candy,
in your dinner box.
All right, I'm Number 10.
But you've all gotta swear you
won't tell anyone my number.
Nat, what's wrong with you?
If you like the guy,
grab him and tell him he
drives you out of your tree.
You're such a simple life form.
What if I get rebuffed?
Or worse, what if
he laughed at me?
No, for now I'm content
to worship Tim from afar.
What if he buys your
dinner box tonight?
Then I'll worship
him from a-close.
Oh, good, that's Dink. He's
bringing a stereo system over.
Oh, he's brought a couple
of guys over to help him.
One of them is Tim Holifield.
Mrs. Garrett, wait
till you see him.
His eyes... You told
me. They're so blue,
they make Paul
Newman's look brown.
Hello?
Dink. I'd know those
knees anywhere.
Blair?
Of course it's Blair, you brute.
Hi, babe.
Wow, this firetrap
looks outrageous.
Really excellent.
Isn't he a stitch?
Hi, group.
Hey, Dink. Whatcha think?
Hi, Natalie.
Hey, it's the Bronx bombshell.
You read any good books lately?
Yeah, Dink. Read any
good Cocoa Puff boxes?
Hi, gang.
Hey, Tim, o-over here with that.
Oh, no, no, Tim, over here.
Let me help you with it.
Well, sure, Natalie.
We wouldn't want you
to strain that passing arm.
Who knows when you
might want to make a pass?
Hi, Mrs. Garrett.
Dink.
Hey, Tim, let's go out
and get the big speaker.
There's a bigger speaker?
Just how loud do you
expect the music to get?
I wouldn't bring out
any wine glasses.
Oh, hey, everybody,
get ready for a thrill.
Rocky Price is on his
way with his tape deck.
Rocky Price? Yeah.
He could cure world
hunger just by showing up.
Everybody'd lose their appetite.
Who's Rocky Price?
Oh, don't call him Rocky.
His name's Carl.
Those Bates guys call
him Rocky behind his back
because of his complexion.
That's the worst
thing I ever heard.
No, it isn't.
You should read the
other names he's called.
Pizza face, Moonscape,
Peanut Cluster...
I've had it with that slam book
and if I get my hands on it,
it's going right into my Cuisinart.
Oh, no, you don't.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Carl.
Hello, Carl.
What's shaking, Carl?
You must be Carl.
I'm Edna Garrett. Hello.
Oh, how sweet of you.
You brought your
tape deck, tapes, too.
Is that the dance music?
Oh, no, it's for listening.
I'm what they call a Deadhead.
Who called you that?
Oh, no, it's okay, Mrs. Garrett.
A Deadhead is a fan
of the Grateful Dead.
Oh.
Blair, I didn't think you knew
about the Grateful Dead.
Sure.
The beautiful people
love rock and roll, too.
Oh, why don't I show you
where to set that up, hmm?
Tell me one thing about
that group, The Grateful Dead.
If they're dead, why
are they so grateful?
All right, over there, big guy.
Yeah, always the quarterback,
always the quarterback.
Now, remember, Dink, it's
the pink box with the red ribbon.
Right. I told all the guys
not to bid against me.
What's in it?
Mmm, just a little
romantic snack.
Jambon. Fromage. Croissant.
Yeah, but what kind of food?
Ham and cheese
on boomerang buns.
Yeah.
Tim, you must be exhausted
after moving those big speakers.
I bet you could
use some Gatorade.
Yeah, really. Thanks, Natalie.
Coming right up.
Tootie, could you give me a
hand with the refreshments?
I guess, but why?
Because after that, you
could stay in the kitchen
so I can be alone with Tim.
I'm cool.
Blair, your slam
book is really key.
Especially Rocky Price's page.
It's brutal!
I know.
Hey! Hey, Holifield,
you got a page.
No kidding?
Yeah. Let's see.
This Number 10 thinks
you're some kind of a god.
Wow, this is embarrassing.
So, who is this
Number 10 anyway?
Come on, Tim, you know who
has a humongous crush on you.
I don't.
Well, give me some clues.
Well, she's editor
of the school paper,
she's packed her dinner
box with your favorite food
and she just left the room.
Uh-huh.
Here you are, Tim.
One Gatorade, coming up.
Thanks,
Number 10.
Huh?
What's he talking about?
Listen, Natalie,
I really would like to bid
on your dinner tonight,
but I'm kind of going
steady with Cynthia.
You understand?
Hey, Tim, no problem.
I'll just sell my dinner to Burt
Reynolds, as originally planned.
You're a crack-up.
Hey, and, uh...
Thanks for all the nice things
you said about me in here.
- Let's go, Dink.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay, pink with a
red ribbon, right?
What a memory. Oh!
You told him.
I did not.
Okay, so I gave him a few clues.
He thought it was cute.
Cute?
My crashing and burning is cute?
Blair, this is war.
And it won't be cute.
I take no prisoners.
Sold for $4.50.
A real bargain.
And your date for the evening,
Linda Calderall!
Hi, Mrs. Garrett. Hi, Carl.
Hey, you sure look spiffy.
Oh, you think so? Mmm.
Thanks.
Hey, Blair.
Hi.
And now, a gourmet diet dinner
featuring... Yum, yum!
A crisp, red radish,
a luscious fig,
and teasingly
tangy turkey jerky!
Would you cool it? You're
making it sound good.
That's my job.
What am I bid? $3.
$5, and there's plenty
more where that came from.
Jo, you're not
supposed to buy your...
Going once, twice, sold. Next.
Here's the next one.
Ah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a gourmet feast!
"Salade champignon,
"jambon, fromage,
"et un croissant."
Pardon her French.
There's nothing
wrong with my French.
Now, who will start with $3?
$10.
Oh. Oh... Dink, you're a doll!
Well... That's the
highest bid so far.
Any other bidders?
$10, going once,
going twice... $15.
$15. Good for you, Carl.
$17.
$17.50. $19.
What's Carl doing?
He's bidding on
Blair's dinner box.
Yeah, but how does
he know it's hers?
Got me.
$19. Do I hear... $19.50.
$25.
Sorry, Dink. They
don't take lint.
$25, going once...
Do you take credit cards?
Sorry, no plastic.
Going twice.
Sold to Carl Price for $25.
And your date for the evening
is Blair Warner.
Blair?
I don't believe Blair
ended up with Carl.
Tell me I'm dreaming.
You're wide awake.
This'll be some character
builder for the little princess.
Why don't you put on
some nice dinner music?
How about the theme
from Endless Love?
Love it.
I don't believe this.
I don't either.
What are we going to do?
Why would Rocky want
to buy your dinner anyway?
To have dinner
with me, of course.
He probably saw you
bidding on my dinner box
and went slightly berserk.
I have that effect on men.
Or it could have happened
in an entirely different way.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. I have
something to do.
Like what?
I've been meaning to check
the shelf life of these cereals.
They'll outlive you.
You had something
to do with this, admit it.
I might have.
I had every right to,
after you humiliated
me in front of Tim.
You told that awful Rocky
Price that was my dinner box.
Just like you told
Tim I was Number 10.
I think that's your
basic eye for an eye.
That's right. You're looking
at zero self-image here
with heavy psychiatrist
bills in the future.
And heavy doctor
bills right now.
Hey, what's the big deal?
So you spend one
mildly humiliating night
with Rocky Price.
I'll tell him you're
on your way.
I am not going out there.
Hey, where'd Blair go?
As far away from
you as possible.
She doesn't wanna have
dinner with you, Pizza Face.
Hey, I happen to know she does.
You can't really believe that.
Did you ever look in a mirror?
Now, Dink.
You wouldn't want to be known
as a sore loser, would you?
Well, Blair is
gonna be the loser
if she has to have dinner with
the Rocky Horror Show here.
Oh, knock it off, Dink.
Nobody knows
whose dinner is whose.
Everything was fair and square.
Sorry, but I did know.
So did I.
Blair called me.
Ha! I'll bet. When?
5:30 this afternoon.
She said she'd love
to have dinner with me.
5:30?
You're into science fiction.
Blair was with me at 5:30.
Am I lying, Tim?
I saw them together.
Oh, yeah? Then who called me?
Natalie?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Excuse me.
In the kitchen.
Why don't you all just mingle?
There's gonna be hollerin'.
You called Carl, didn't you?
And convinced him she was me.
How could you do that?
It's easy. You just talk sticky
sweet and say "darling" a lot.
This isn't funny,
Jo. It's plain cruel.
Natalie, I'm really
shocked at what you did.
I'm appalled.
Mrs. Garrett, you know what Blair
did to me. I had to pay her back.
But you didn't pay Blair back.
That young man out there
is the one who's paying.
I know, but I didn't mean to...
You mean, you didn't think.
I've been listening to you kids.
Sometimes you have
about as much compassion
as a school of piranhas.
I admit it. It
went a little far.
A little far?
Mrs. Garrett, I never thought
it would turn out this way.
Of course you didn't.
It's always a joke.
All in good fun.
Until one morning you
wake up with a pizza face
or some other problem
that everyone's laughing at.
Believe me, it won't
be half as funny then.
Oh, the guilt.
Blair?
Uh...
Hi, Carl. I... I was just
looking for an aspirin.
Maybe you can
forget the aspirin.
I know you didn't call me.
Carl,
I called you.
I'm really sorry.
Hey, I knew it was a joke.
Yeah, I was just playing along.
Carl. Sure.
I have to be out
of my mind to think
that Blair's gonna
call me for a date.
I'm not exactly Dink Lockwood.
Be proud.
Here's your dinner, Blair.
See you.
Wait a minute, Carl.
This is your dinner.
You paid for it.
That's okay.
It all goes to charity.
Excuse me, I better
go adjust the stereo.
Too much bass.
There goes one very fine boy.
And a very hurt one, too, Blair.
Well, don't everybody
look at me like it's my fault.
I'm an injured party, too.
Forget it. I'm gonna
have dinner with Carl.
If anyone should, I should.
Carl paid for this,
and part of the package was a
charming, loveable dinner date.
That's me.
Please, hasn't the
boy suffered enough?
I'm having dinner with Carl.
Don't do him any favors.
He paid to have dinner with me.
Besides, someone might
come to the ridiculous conclusion
that he preferred you over me.
Hi.
Hi.
Hungry yet?
Not really.
I'm starved. Do you mind
if I go ahead and start?
Don't you have your
charities mixed up?
It's for world hunger,
not Carl Price.
I was afraid of this. What?
My croissant didn't
travel very well.
You know, looks like one
of those floppy watches
in that Dali painting
at the MOMA.
The MOMA?
Oh, yeah. M-O-M-A.
It's sort of a nickname for
the Museum of Modern
Art. In New York.
I know that. We're trustees.
I didn't think you'd know that.
Yeah.
I usually get by there
whenever I'm home.
Really?
I haunt the place.
Did you see the cubist show?
Are you kidding? I
saw it three times.
You know, Picasso's
my favorite square.
Okay, yes, he is marvelous,
but Braque is the master.
Now, hold it. If we're
talking about the master,
they both learned
everything from Cezanne.
You know, I copied one of
his still lifes at the Metropolitan.
Do you paint?
Do I paint?
No.
It was awful.
Can you imagine how
embarrassing it is to be sitting
in the middle of the museum
with paints and an easel
and be terrible?
I was thinking of trying that.
Thanks for the warning.
Croissant?
Merci.
You know, it's been two years, I
still haven't had the nerve to go back.
I don't blame you.
The Metropolitan. On
a Saturday afternoon.
Crowds of people,
and I'm sitting there...
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪
♪ They shed a lot of light ♪
♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪