The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 15 - Starstruck - full transcript

♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

"and my very special
thanks to you, Tootie,

"for starting the
Eastland Fan Club.

"You certainly are
my number one fan.

"Your friend, Jermaine Jackson."

You mean he signed it, too?

Read it and weep.

"Jermaine Jackson."



I could die.

Hang in there, girl.

Now, Jermaine's
birthday is next week

and I've drawn up a list
of items to be included

in our birthday package to him.

We need a birthday
card, signed by all of us.

A birthday cake.

A snapshot of all of us
baking the birthday cake,

signed by all of us.

And a jar of crunchy
peanut butter, his favorite.

Do we have to sign that, too?

Get serious.

♪ Let's get serious ♪

♪ Let's get serious ♪

♪ Let's get serious
and fall in love ♪

Come on, you guys.

Now, last but
certainly not least,

the papier-mache sculpture
of Jermaine Jackson,

which I am creating.

Tootie, couldn't we help
you with that, please?

Yeah, why should you be the
only one who gets to mold him,

and shape him, and caress him...

Put a leash on it, Terry.

Look, I grew up
with the Jackson Five

and now I'm the president of
the Jermaine Jackson Fan Club.

So I am doing the sculpture.

Now, Saturday night is
Jermaine's concert in New York,

to which none of us are going.

But we will meet up in
my room Saturday night

right after the
scholarship fair.

We'll play his
albums until midnight,

then open the window and
shout out Jermaine's name.

That way he'll know we're
thinking of him. Okay?

Okay.

Then as president of the
Jermaine Jackson Fan Club,

Eastland branch,

I declare this meeting
officially closed.

I solemnly pledge my
loyalty and undying devotion

to Jermaine Jackson and the
Jermaine Jackson Fan Club.

Oh, Tootie, what
are you doin' here?

You're supposed to be makin'
those scarves for the fair.

I only have two hands.

Hey, Tootie, you wanna
study this afternoon?

I asked her to go to
the library with me.

Sorry, girls, but your
president has things to do.

But you can help me put
Jermaine's things away.

Okay.

Tootie, about the scarves?

You'll have them.

Oh, no, no, no, bumper
stickers go on one side,

buttons on the other.

Oh, okay.

Nobody listens. Nobody
tries. Everything falls through.

The world stinks!

Did Debby Boone just walk in?

Doesn't anybody care that the
scholarship fair is in just three days?

I do. That's why
I'm here, remember?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, Geri.

Didn't I thank you for
coming up to perform?

Yes, but I wanted
to hear it again.

When I don't get paid, I at
least like to get undying gratitude.

Oh, Blair, you got
that balance all wrong.

See, when you're
building mobiles,

it's the ratio of weight to the
distribution of the density squared.

I thought all I had to do was
tie the little doggie to the stick.

Don't worry, Jo.
The mobiles will sell.

We'll give Green Stamps.

We gotta raise enough money for
this girl's tuition and food and books.

Honestly, Jo,

ever since you came
up with this fair idea,

you've become positively
obsessed with money.

I think it's wonderful.

Forget it, Natalie.

But, Mrs. Garrett, we're a team.

You bake the
cookies for the fair,

and I write the menu. That's
the agreement. I know, but...

You bake, I write.

Listen to this.

"A tantalizing,
titillating treat

"of daring and
delectable delights."

Now, what's wrong with that?

Nothing.

If you're selling cookies
at the Pussycat Theatre.

"Daring and
delectable delights."

I should never have
tried to organize this fair.

Of course you should.
It's for a great cause.

It's gonna be a bust.

We got mangled
mobiles, X-rated cookies,

and Tootie hasn't even
started makin' those scarves yet.

Those scarves are the
fair's biggest attraction.

Don't let my agent hear that.

Isn't that Tootie a great fan?

It seems like only yesterday
I gave her her first lesson

in fawning and fainting.

And now she's the
president of a fan club.

Oh, and don't fold the posters.

You'll crease Jermaine's chin.

I'm so proud of you.

It's tough being a leader.

At this moment, I feel very
close to Ronald Reagan.

What's under the cover, Tootie?

The stuff dreams are made of.

Have I captured Jermaine's soul?

You definitely
captured something.

Don't worry, Tootie.

I know exactly what
you're going through.

But no great artist is
recognized until after she's dead.

Give you any ideas?

I only hope Jermaine'll
understand about Saturday night.

Understand what?

Saturday is his concert in
New York, and I won't be there.

I'll be here selling scarves.

You couldn't have gone
to the concert anyway.

I could have gotten tickets
with a little cooperation.

I still can't understand
why Mrs. Garrett

wouldn't let me camp out
all night in Times Square

with the other 30,000 fans.

She's such an
unreasonable woman.

Anyway, Jermaine'll
be so thrilled

when he opens this
package, reads the card...

And says, "Tootie who?"

He knows me! Sure he does.

What do you call this?

"Dear Tootie."

Not "Dear Occupant," not
"To whom it may concern."

It says "Dear Tootie."

That's me.

And look at this.

"Your friend, Jermaine Jackson."

That's his
signature right there.

Tootie, I hate to be the
one to break this to you,

but they use a
rubber stamp for that.

Uh-uh. No way. I know
Jermaine's signature.

Come on, Tootie. Look
at it, it rubs right off.

You spit on Jermaine!

Tootie, it's a piece of paper.

I don't know why I
expected you to understand.

I don't understand? Me?

The super fan of all times?

Well, things have
changed since the old days.

I think I created a monster.

I think fans are terrific.

Did you ever have
a fan like Tootie?

Once.

This person used to
come to all my shows,

follow me from town to town,

wishing me luck,
sending flowers.

Finally, I said, "Look, Mom..."

Hi, Mrs. Garrett. Hi.

Hello. Oh, Mrs. G, finally.

Well, now I have
everything I need.

All I have to do is
frost my fruit bars.

You didn't frost
your fruit bars?

See, I knew somethin'
was gonna go wrong.

Jo, relax.

I will frost no fruit
before its time.

♪

Hey, Tootie, you finished it.

It's amazing.

Thank you, thank you.

It's so lifelike.

How could you do that? You...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't believe you...

Don't worry. Don't
worry. We'll put it back.

Natalie'll get some glue. Glue?

We'll glue Jermaine's nose
back and it'll look as good as new.

But... Uh, Tootie, now
that I have your attention...

Too-Too-Tootie.

There's something I
have to discuss with you.

But Jermaine's nose!

He'll breathe through his ears.

Listen.

I ran into Mrs.
Gafney this morning.

She said you haven't turned in
your last two English assignments.

Well, I've been busy
with other things.

Jermaine's birthday, the club.

Those English papers
just came at a bad time.

Tootie, your
schoolwork comes first.

But you know that.

I know, but I... Hey, Tootie, be ready
to leave for the gym by 4:00, okay?

Jo, about those scarves.

I didn't exactly finish all 24.

Well, how many did you finish?

None.

I didn't hear that.

Jo, I'm really sorry.
I meant to do them...

I can't believe it!
You've had weeks.

Look, I said I was sorry.

Hey, I should have known
somethin' like this was gonna happen.

See, that's why I don't
ask people for things.

'Cause that way you
don't get disappointed.

This time I asked, my mistake.

Jo, you're getting so excited.

Because she promised
me, Mrs. Garrett.

This fair Is important.

Well, Jermaine's
birthday is important, too.

He's a friend,

and this scholarship is for
some girl I don't even know.

Oh, yeah, you know her.

She's somebody just like me.

And last year, she was me.

Jo, I'll help out
at the fair tonight.

I'll do whatever job
you want me to do.

Yeah, sure.

Tootie can work
the ticket booth.

We still haven't
found anybody for that.

Okay, Jo?

Look at me.

Do I look normal?

Is this a trick question?

There's someone on
the phone for Tootie.

He says he's the publicity man

for Jermaine Jackson!

Right, Nat. Tootie!

Nat, I can always
tell when you're lying.

Hello?

Yes, this is.

Fine.

Well, Tootie, in appreciation for the
super job you've done with your fan club,

Jermaine would like you to be his
special guest at his concert tonight.

What do you think of that?

I...

I... Well said.

You'll have two tickets
waiting for you at the box office.

And thanks for being
Jermaine's number one fan.

Oh, thank you.

Tootie, talk, talk.

I'm not his number one fan, huh?

Rubber stamp signature, huh?

Tootie?

I'm going to Jermaine's
concert in New York!

I've been invited!

Jermaine Jackson wants
me! Do you believe this?

It's a dream come true!

It's a miracle! Oh,
I don't deserve this!

Yes, I do. Yes, I do deserve
this! Oh, my goodness!

Oh, he invited me!

And then he said that Jermaine
personally wanted me to be there.

Jermaine himself, Mrs. Garrett.

Tootie, listen.

Oh, I have to be at the box
office at 7:30 to pick up the tickets.

We'll have terrific
seats, Mrs. Garrett.

Oh, what am I gonna wear?

Oh, I know. I'll wear
my blue sweater.

That's Jermaine's
favorite color.

Tootie, slow down.

Why, you've forgotten
about the fair tonight.

What about it? This
is a big night for Jo.

She's shorthanded as it
is. We promised we'd help.

Yeah, but that was
before the phone call.

That phone call
changes everything.

I know this is a
disappointment for you,

but believe me, there'll
be other concerts.

But not like this one.

Who knows when I'll get
to be a special guest again?

Besides, it's an insult
to Jermaine if I don't go.

I'm sure he'll understand.

Mrs. Garrett, please.

If you take me, I promise
I'll never ask for anything

as long as I live.

I'm sorry, Tootie. I really am.

But we can't go. We
made a prior commitment.

I'm goin'!

Tootie, you're not
being reasonable.

Mrs. Garrett, this concert
means everything to me.

Why won't you let me go?

Don't you have any feelings?

Tootie. Jermaine
wants me there tonight

and I'm gonna be there!

If you don't take me,
I'll find someone else!

Or I'll take a bus,
or I'll hitchhike!

Tootie, I said you're not
going to the concert tonight.

I don't care what you
say! I am going! I am going!

Calm down, calm down.

Mrs. Garrett, I have
to be there tonight.

You have to take me, please.

Please, Mrs. Garrett, take me.

It's all right,
Tootie. It's all right.

It's all right.

We'll go. Oh, oh, thank you.

We'll... We'll go.

We'll have to find
replacements for Tootie and me.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe you're actually
letting Tootie get away with this!

I didn't realize all
someone had to do

to get their way
is throw a tantrum.

Me, neither.

I've gotta work on my
kicking and screaming.

This wasn't a tantrum, girls.

All I know is that I turned
down a fabulous date

to be here tonight.

We all had better offers.

Well... Don't say it.

The point is, we promised
we'd be here and we're here.

You're absolutely right, Blair.

We all committed
ourselves to this fair

and we all should honor it.

Then why are you letting
Tootie go to the concert?

Because I just don't
know what else to do.

You don't know what to do?

Mrs. Always-a-Snappy-Answer
Garrett

doesn't know what to do?

Girls, you didn't see her.

She was hysterical.

Oh, she was gonna
get to that concert

if she had to jump
out of the window

and run all the way to the city.

Come on, Mrs. Garrett.

Not Tootie.

That's right. Not our Tootie.

But right now
she's not our Tootie.

She's become...

Fanatic.

Well, that's where the
word fan comes from.

My mother told me that when I
threatened to leave home for King Hussein.

Mrs. Garrett, there
is nothing wrong

with a little healthy
idol worship.

Didn't you ever
freak over anyone?

Sure, I swooned
over Frank Sinatra,

but this is something else.

I remember these films with

people crying and
screaming over the Beatles.

They were all in such a frenzy,

it scared me.

Oh, that's the
way I felt just now

with Tootie.

Do you think taking her to
the concert's gonna help?

At this point, it's the
only thing I can do.

Didn't I tell you it would
be great, Mrs. Garrett?

Didn't I tell you? Mrs. Garrett?

Wait a minute.

Oh, I think the feeling has
just come back into my ears.

Well, wasn't he
wonderful? Oh, yeah.

Wasn't he the best? Oh.

I'm gonna drop off Jermaine's
present. I'll be right back.

Come on, man. Tell
Jermaine we're waiting.

Look, folks, you're
wasting your time.

He's halfway to
the airport by now.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir. Could
I get through, please?

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, but I'm Tootie.
He's expecting me.

Look, you gotta let me in.

I'm the president
of his fan club.

So am I! Me, too!

No, they are not!
I'm the president!

Yeah, and I'm the First Lady.

Look, I started the fan club
first, really, I did, at my school.

Come on, folks, move,
away from the door.

Come on, back
away from the door.

Hey, hey. Give me that.

You, girl, hey, come on.

Give... Give me that.

Jermaine! MAN: Hey!

Everybody stay cool!

Is everybody all
right? Jermaine?

You're hurting me.

Let her go, Sal.

Are you okay?

Come on, little girl, let's go.

But I'm Tootie. I
came to see Jermaine.

I'm sorry, but this
concert is over.

Sal, it's all right.

Your name is Tootie?

That's right.

You know me. My
letters come every day.

I sent you my picture last week.

And I brought you a birthday
present, but some man took it.

I'm sure I'll get it.

You know, you kind of
surprised us, bustin' in like that.

Why'd everybody get so excited?

I only wanted to say hello.

They were just protecting me.

I wouldn't hurt you.

Tootie, it's nice to meet you.

Have a seat. A seat.

Doesn't having all these people
around make you nervous?

Sometimes.

Well, they scare me.

It's scary on this side, too.

I guess they're important.

I mean, you are
Jermaine Jackson.

Fans probably
hassle you all the time.

They can be so childish.

But you were expecting
me, weren't you?

Not exactly.

But somebody called.
And they left me tickets.

I really don't get involved
in that end of things, Tootie.

I'm kind of busy
just doing my music.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Lady, what do you
think you're doing?

I'm... I'm trying to attract
the guard's attention.

Whatever turns you on.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Oh!

Excuse me.

Oh, have you by any chance
seen a young black girl?

Did you enjoy the concert?

Oh, yeah.

Tootie, I know you went
through a lot of trouble to get here.

Is there anything
you wanna say to me?

I really enjoy your music.

Thank you.

How's your dog?

My dog?

Oh, you know, the one
on your album cover.

My magazine said
that that was your dog.

I'm allergic to dogs.

I really enjoy your music.

Thank you.

Jermaine, we're
gonna be here a while.

I don't know what happened.
They promised us a back exit.

No problem. Hmm, don't I wish.

What's it like, being you?

I mean, is it wonderful?

It's like being anybody.

You have good days and bad days.

What's a good day?

Nothing special.

A walk. Some time alone.

A day all to myself.

But there never seem
to be enough of those.

Hey, glad you could
make it. Come on in.

Oh, hello, how are you?

Hey, Jermaine. We need you
over here to sign some pictures.

Tootie, will you excuse me?

Sure.

Well, Michelle,

you've been doing such a super
job with your Philadelphia Fan Club,

that Jermaine would like you to
be his special guest at his concert.

We'll have tickets in your
name at the box office.

And thanks for being
Jermaine's number one fan.

See you there.

Jermaine, they're having
trouble moving the limo through.

How long will it
be? No way to tell.

Jermaine, you've gotta
talk to this reporter.

He did that article on you last
month and he's only got five minutes.

Hey, ev-everything okay?

Yep. I've been soaking
this thing in the shower.

There's nothing
gonna blow up in there.

Oh, the guy's been waiting
a half hour, Jermaine.

Right. Now they're gonna
get some pictures, too.

Uh, if you wanna wait till we
get back to the hotel, that's okay.

No, it's okay. Good.

Okay, uh, we got
an a.m. interview.

And the car picks you up
at 7:00. JERMAINE: Right.

Okay. Then we got lunch
with the network people.

Now the plane leaves
at 4:00. Right, right, right.

So it's gonna be kind of tight.

And, uh, I cancelled
your 2:00 appointment.

There's no way
we're gonna make it.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Tootie.

What happened to you?
You... You were gone so long.

I saw Jermaine.

Tootie, that's wonderful!

Did you give him his present?

What did he say?

He said...

He said thank you.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪