The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Four Musketeers - full transcript

♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

Hey.

Farrah! You're
melting my toothbrush.

I need puff.

Puff?

It's a Blair Warner trademark.

Puff is the difference
between my hair

and your hair.



Yeah, that and a
barrel of Born Blonde.

Hey!

Oh no, the water stopped!

Oh, great.

Morning, girls.

Any chance of my getting
in the bathroom today?

Only if you like your
showers on the dry side.

There's no water.

Again?

Hmm, I'm gonna have
to call Mr. Zimmer.

Oh, girls! Before you go...

I'm preparing a very
special dinner for you tonight.

We have something to celebrate.

Bruce Springsteen
decided to adopt us.

Not quite.

What is it then?

Come on! Tell us. Please!

Oh! You will just have to
hang on a few more hours.

Mrs. Garrett, come on.

Meantime, what am I going
to do about my shower?

There's always the car wash.

Natalie, you are funny!

You find it amusing,
do you, Tootie?

No, Ma'am.

Mrs. Garrett, would you please
try to do something about the heat?

Our room was like
a sauna last night.

Oh, not the heat, too.

This is serious, Mrs. Garrett.

The tongues are
hanging out of my shoes.

Not to worry.

I promise you there will be
no more problems with heat.

They say you should
study in a cold temperature.

Your mind's more alert.

Makes you a better student.

That accounts for all
those polar bears at Yale.

Mrs. Garrett's celebration
dinner must be big stuff.

She's been slaving over
that hot stove for hours.

She's no fool.

This is ridiculous.

My parents are spending a
fortune so I can get frostbite.

It's not that bad.

Maybe not for you.

But a Warner is like
a delicate souffle.

Yeah, light and empty.

Mr. Zimmerr'll
fix the thermostat

as soon as he gets through
breaking something else.

Look, a little suffering
is good for the soul.

Forget it, Natalie.

Suffering is a word
unknown to the Warner clan.

How do you know that?

Happens to be true,
but how would you know?

Because I know you, Blair.
I've seen you under fire.

Are you saying I'm
not any good in a crisis?

Oh, to you a crisis is
running out of Oil of Olay.

You might be interested to know,

I've been observing you lately.

This ought to be good.

I see a smug,
self-righteous, know-it-all,

who wears her humble
beginnings like a crown.

Well, at least there's
something humble about me.

There isn't a humble
hair on your head.

You leave my hair out of this.

Gladly.

I've had your
hair up to my ears.

Can we please study?

Gosh, Tootie and I both
have big tests on Monday.

Scoot!

I hate it when you do that.

Do what?

Sigh.

I don't sigh.

Well, if it wasn't a sigh,
you got a slow leak.

Cool it, you two.

Move over!

You did it again.

That's called breathing.

You do it just to annoy me.

No. I do it to keep from dying.

Now there's an idea.

I don't have to
take this. So leave!

I will! Good!

And I'll take my
blanket with me!

Mrs. Garrett, I have tried to deal
with her like a civilized person,

but it's impossible.

Civilized?

John McEnroe could give
you lessons in etiquette.

Girls, please. It's
cold, there's no water.

We've all been on
edge the last few days.

But I promise you the
problem is only temporary.

Wrong, Mrs. Garrett.
The problem is Blair.

Me?

She's completely
unreasonable, Mrs. Garrett.

She hates it when I breathe.

That sound makes me crazy.

If you were my bike,
I'd give you a lube job.

Listen, you girls have had
arguments before. You'll work it out.

Not this time!

I can't take it anymore.

Oh, girls. Please.

Not one more day.

Not one more hour.

Mrs. Garrett, how
long do I have to pay

for one lousy mistake?

Not much longer.

Oh, rats!

This is the surprise I
was saving for tonight.

It's the bill for the
damage you did

to the school van last year.

It's marked "Paid in full."

You mean we don't have to
work in the kitchen anymore?

That's right.

We're free?

Uh-huh.

And we can move
back into the dorms?

Uh-huh.

We're free?

And room with anyone we want!

Now wait a minute.

You girls have
become like a family

and believe me

families aren't that
easy to come by.

We're free!

Blair, do you know
what this means?

I never have to hear
you breathe again!

And I never have to look
at your ugly face again!

So anyway, if I
can get Kathy Gates

to move in with Jody Speigal,

that would leave
Kathy's room open and...

I could have my
own private room.

Would you stop
talking about leaving?

Natalie and I would
never move out.

Does anybody know Lyla Oliver?

I do.

She's a junior from
Scranton. Not very pretty,

below average
intelligence, sloppy.

Oh.

You were made for each other.

Girls, girls, girls.

What do people
usually fight over?

The little things.

Ignore the little things
and it's a breeze.

For instance, if I got irritated

by every little
thing Tootie does,

we'd have split
up a long time ago.

Right.

I mean, who cares if she always
leaves her books on my bed?

Yeah, see, it's like when I...

I always leave
books on your bed?

Yeah, you walk in

and instead of dropping them on
your bed, you drop them on my bed.

I don't do that.

You do.

But don't worry. You're a kid.

You don't know any better.

Uh-huh.

Well, if it irritated you,

why didn't you say something?

It doesn't irritate me.

Much.

Well, is there anything
else I always do

that doesn't irritate you much?

My, my, my. Trouble in paradise.

You butt out, Blair.

Yeah, you tell her, Tootie.

And the same goes for
you, Mr. Goodwrench.

Hey.

Girls, girls. Stop this.
What's the problem here?

Hold it! One war
at a time, please.

I'm fed up with her.

Well, Tootie, why are
you fighting with Natalie?

Because I just found out

that I irritate her as
much as she irritates me.

Since when have I irritated you?

Always.

Bull.

Natalie.

Double bull.

Oh, girls, that's enough.

Look, living together
means compromising.

That's the way it is.

Does this mean
you're not willing to try?

I'm moving out.

Me, too.

The sooner the better.

I'm going someplace
where I'm wanted.

Fine.

Let me know if any of
you need help packing.

How's it going?

We don't get much
chance to talk these days.

Oh, fine, Jo. Just fine.

It's a little hectic

without you girls
helping in the kitchen.

Also a little quiet.

How's everything
back at the dorms?

Oh, great. Great.

Yeah, and, uh,
your new roommate?

Oh, she's a terrific kid.
Sweet, generous, humble.

It's kind of like living
with Mother Teresa.

She's knitting me a cover
for my motorcycle helmet.

I better get washed up.

Hello, one and all.

Hello, Mrs. Garrett.

Hello, Blair.

It's wonderful to see you.

It's wonderful to see
you again too, Blair.

I never get the chance
to see you alone anymore.

I never get the
chance to tell you

about all the wonderful things
that are going on in my life.

You must really miss that.

I do, Blair, I do.

I just love my new room.

I have so much space now.

Sometimes I come home
and look around and say,

"Look at this space. It's so..."

Spacious?

Exactly.

I'm glad you're so happy, Blair.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Garrett.

I just hope things are

working out as well
for everyone else.

Oh, they are.

I just spoke to Jo

and she sounds delighted
with her new roommate.

How nice.

You know, compatibility
is the key, Mrs. Garrett.

I have so much more in common

with the friends I see now.

Same interests, same background,

same attitudes.

We sit around for hours

just agreeing with each other.

Sounds stimulating.

It's just wonderful
having a friendship

without any hassles
or problems, you know.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, well, I wouldn't know.

With all the good
friends I have,

it's tough going sometimes.

We fight, we disagree,

but we always hold on.

I guess you have to decide

whether it's worth
all the trouble.

Hey, hey, hey, Mrs. Garrett.

Hey, hey, hey, to you, Natalie.

Mrs. Garrett, I'd
like you to meet

my new roommate, Brenda Hall.

How are you, Brenda?

Adequate.

Oh, I was just
telling Brend here

I have this well placed
contact in the lunch department.

I guess you could
say Mrs. Garrett's

my French bread connection.

French bread connection, get it?

Well, you sure came
to the right place.

Ze Bread boat
came in this morning.

Funny.

You should see her when
she really gets rolling.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I'm going to eat lunch, if
that doesn't irritate you.

I'm just a little surprised.

I hardly ever see you in
the lunch room these days.

Well, I've been so
busy with my friends

that I have to
eat my meals late.

But rest assured,

I wouldn't have come if
I'd known you'd be here.

Well, I wouldn't have come
if I'd known you'd be here.

Well, I wouldn't
have come first.

You are so childish!

You're such a geek!

Don't call me a geek!

I'll call you anything I want.

Isn't there some kind of regulation
against bloodshed in the cafeteria?

Girls, girls.

Girls! Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello!

I hope I'm
interrupting something.

Hey, everybody,
look who's here. Jo!

Wonderful. Thrilled.

Oh, well, well, well,
what do you know?

Look at this.

Jo, Blair, Natalie and Tootie.

Isn't this wonderful? It's
just like old home week.

Jo, Blair, Natalie and Tootie.

Together again
after all this time.

Jo, Blair...

We know, Mrs. Garrett, we know!

Oh, I shouldn't go on like this.

You girls have so
much to talk about.

I gotta go. I'm starved.

I'll see you later.

Hold it! I have news for you.

There'll be new girls

taking over your kitchen duties

and moving into your old room.

New girls?

In our room?

Of course, um,

I certainly can't turn them
loose in a room like that.

I want it cleaned,

swept and painted
for the new tenants.

So I expect you tomorrow
at 3:00 ready to work.

Wear your old clothes.

Mrs. Garrett.

I don't have any old clothes.

I'll buy some.

Anybody want this?

I'll pass.

But I hate sweeping.

Nobody's exactly
thrilled to be here.

But the faster we finish,
the faster we can split.

I'm leaving in an
hour, no matter what.

I'm not missing my rock hunt.

Your what?

Rock hunt.

Brenda and I go out every
day and look for rocks.

I didn't know that.

Of course not. That gets
out, everyone will want to do it.

For your information, you
can learn a lot about rocks.

Brenda says they're
mysteries of nature

with distinct personalities.

Takes one to know one.

Did anyone notice,

it's exactly the right
temperature in here?

Mrs. Garrett said Mr. Zimmer
was here all morning.

He fixed everything.

That figures.

Now that the new
girls are moving in,

everything's in
perfect condition.

I can't believe Mrs. Garrett
is letting perfect strangers

move into our room.

Well, what'd you think
she was gonna do?

Seal it off, like
King Tut's tomb?

It's kind of weird to
think somebody else

is gonna be sleeping in my bed.

Remember the first night we
slept here and there were no beds,

so we had to use
sleeping bags on the floor?

Yeah, Blair kept tossing
and turning all night.

Right. She rolled into
the bathroom three times.

So things change.

You're born, you move
on, you die. That's life.

Well, don't go all mushy on us.

Hey, look at this!

What is it?

Tootie's old growth chart.

Remember last year

when you thought
you'd stopped growing?

I measured you right here.

Look how much you've
grown. Almost two inches.

Yeah. Yeah.

We shouldn't have
marked up the wall.

Right.

Oh, God! I'm getting
a painter's cramp.

I can't even let go.

Come here, give
it to me. I'll take it.

Thanks, Jo.

I'm sorry.

Of course you are.

Really, see, it was an accident.

I know.

May I?

Forgive me. It was an accident.

I know.

Oh, Blair,

look, no hard feelings.

Don't worry.

It's designer paint.

I better warn you.

I'm a fencing artist.

Oh, no! Wait! Don't!

Are you okay?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm a con artist.

You sneak!

Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it!

Hold it! You guys
are making a mess.

Let's show some decorum.

Every man for himself!

Tootie, Tootie! Wait,
wait, wait, wait. Tootie!

Where do you think you're going?

Was I going somewhere?

What do you think
we should do with her?

Hi, Mrs. Garrett.

Hi.

What are you girls doing?

Studying for your art final?

Actually, we started
out cleaning...

And painting.

You might say we threw
ourselves into our work.

You might say

you've gotten yourself
into a considerable mess!

Oh!

I guess we owe
you for the paint.

Yes.

And for the cost
of stripping the floor

and revarnishing
it and staining it.

Mrs. Garrett, you're
talking big bucks.

Big enough.

Oh!

Where are we going to
get that kind of money?

I'll be babysitting till I'm 40.

Oh! I'm not hocking
my bike for any floor.

Oh, I know you girls will
come up with something.

Of course we will. Like what?

I just had another one of my

terrible ideas.

What?

No, no. It's too
hideous to mention.

Would you spit it out?
How bad can it be?

Well,

we

Could

move back in here
and work in the kitchen

to pay off the debt.

You're right. It's hideous.

Yeah, no. Mmm-mmm. Yeah, no.

You're right. Wouldn't work.

Nah. JO: Nah.

It means compromising again.

And you girls aren't
willing to do that.

Any other ideas?

Hmm?

I could make the effort. Maybe.

What about Brenda?

She's got her rocks.

It wouldn't be forever.

It'd just seem like it.

Only if you can't get that
wheezing under control...

Wheezing?

Of course, there's
still the matter

of my alleged books on your bed.

"Alleged books"?

Tootie, those books
are always on my bed.

Always! There's that word again.

Okay. How about,
"Almost always"?

Absolutely not!

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪