The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Marriage Brokers - full transcript

♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

Blair, if you scraped
those peas off two at a time,

you'd get done twice as fast.

I wish I could make
this garbage last forever.

A date with Barnett
Thornwood III

can't be all that bad.

He is the ultimate nerd.

His teeth are crooked,
his arms are stringy,



his hands are clammy.

Heavy nerd factor.

Then why are you
going out with him?

It's a family responsibility.

Our fathers are
business associates.

Originally, they wanted
us to get married,

but I managed to talk them
down to one date a year.

Although, last year, I had
to cancel at the last minute

because of bad
weather conditions.

Oh, how bad?

Partly cloudy.

You mean this guy's been waiting

to take you out since 1980?

I can't believe time
has gone by so fast.

Well, maybe this year
you'll go someplace fun.

I'm taking him to
my father's steel mill.

They're dedicating
a new blast furnace.

Maybe you'll have a good time.

Fat chance, Mary Sunshine.

The high point of the evening

is a concert of chamber
music played by steel workers.

I can't bear to go
through this alone.

Hey, guys, come on,
you wanna move it?

My soapsuds are
dyin' in the sink.

Jo!

Hey, good buddy.

I am going to a very special,

probably very enjoyable
function this evening.

I thought you just might
like to share it all with me.

What's the function?

Well, if you're gonna
be a stickler for details,

forget it.

Wow. Hey, get a look at her.

Turn around here.
You look great.

Why, thank you, girls.

Mrs. Garrett, that is a
magnificent copy of a de la Renta.

Well, if it's so magnificent,
why do you think it's a copy?

My mother has the original.

You look absolutely smashing.

Oh, thanks.

Girls, could you just
finish up the tables?

My friend's gonna
be here any minute.

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Garrett.

She won't think you're
a sloppy housekeeper.

What makes you so
sure my friend is a she?

Oh, gosh!

Did you pick up in the lounge?

Yes.

All the games put away? Yes.

All the magazines
straightened? Yes.

Oh, well, I better just
check. Just to be sure.

Well, Mrs... Girls,
Mrs. Garrett's friend

is a he.

Not necessarily.

She just said, "What makes
you think my friend is a she?"

That doesn't really
mean it'll be a he.

Frankly, I don't
think it will be.

Excuse me.

Is, uh, Edna Garrett here?

Although, I could be wrong.

Ernest!

Eddy!

Eddy?

You look so great.

You're not lookin'
so bad yourself.

It's been so long.

It's been too long.

I wonder how long it's been.

Oh, I'm sorry, girls.

I want you to meet
Ernest Melbourne.

My friend.

How you doin'? Jo Polniaczek.

Jo. The motorcycle rider.

I used to ride 'em myself.

No kiddin'? Where'd you ride?

Outdoors, mostly.

He's sharp. I like him.

So do I.

I'm Tootie.

Tootie, how are you?

And she's Natalie.

Natalie. Hi.

Oh, uh... Uh, I'd like to
introduce Blair Warner.

Of the New York Warners.

A pleasure, I'm sure.

Enchanted.

Of course you are.

Yes, well.

Uh, we're going
into the lounge now.

Okay.

Hold it!

We are going into the lounge.

You are not.

Oh! I get you, Mrs. G.

We've got stuff to do upstairs.

What stuff?

Stuff. Come on.

Enjoy yourself.

Thank you.

See you later.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

If you like, you can
use my Monopoly game.

Thank you.

We'll be upstairs.

Thank you!

Here you go, honey.

Fresh veggies and yogurt dip.

Ah, you shouldn't have
gone to all that trouble.

I'd have settled for
my usual cheese puffs

and those wonderful little
meatballs with the colored toothpicks.

Looks like life's been really
good to you these last 10 pounds.

Don't worry.

A couple of days of your
cooking'll take it right off.

Eat the broccoli, Ernest.

Ah, you know me, Edna.

I eat my way
through my problems.

Did you get things
straightened out at work?

Yes.

Thank you for your
letter. It helped me.

Oh, I'm glad.

I told 'em,

"I'm not a desk
man, I'm a salesman.

"And I'm stayin' on the road."

You know, sometimes I get
that old wanderlust myself.

Mostly it's when the girls
are driving me the craziest.

You know what I think?

Hmm?

I think you need a vacation.

Maybe.

It's been a while.

I haven't been anywhere

since we went to New Orleans,

for Mardi Gras.

When I'm with you, Edna,
it's always a vacation for me.

Me, too.

It's so good having someone
to share everything with.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

You're a wonderful friend, Edna.

And a wonderful woman.

What am I doing?

I'm not gonna waste real perfume

on an ick like
Barnett Thornwood III.

I know. I'll put vinegar
behind my ears.

Guys, hold everything.

You won't believe
what I just saw.

They were kissing!

Who?

Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Melbourne.

No kiddin'.

Well, good for her.

How can you guys be so calm?

He kissed her. On
the actual mouth.

So what?

What, did you think
after a certain age

people were only allowed
to kiss on the elbow?

So, Mrs. Garrett
has a boyfriend.

He's not just a boyfriend.

He's a I-don't-know
what-I'd-do-without-you person.

Tootie, it's nothing
to be upset about.

What Mrs. Garrett probably has

is a meaningful relationship.

Whatever she has, it's
none of our business.

I wonder if she
kisses him a lot.

I wonder if they're
gonna get married.

I'm sure she'll want
us to be bridesmaids.

I don't think I can
walk that slow.

I can't stand it.

I've gotta know what's going on.

It's the reporter in me.

Baloney, you're just nosey.

That, too.

Blair, you could find
out. You're good at that.

You're right.

I am an expert on
male-female relationships.

Of course, I'd need
some time alone with him.

Well, figure
something out, Blair.

This is killing me.

This is none of our business.

That's never stopped us before.

I just had another one
of my brilliant ideas.

I knew she wouldn't let us down.

What? What? What?

I just wanted to
say goodnight, girls.

Uh, Mr. Melbourne
and I are going out.

Where are you going?

Uh, Tootie's just concerned,

because she knows I
was about to invite you

to join me at this wonderful
affair I'm attending this evening.

You mean the concert
at the steel mill?

Please, Mrs. Garrett, it's
not as bad as it sounds.

Right.

Chamber music
played by steel workers

can be like a
religious experience.

Almost as moving as
Look for the Union Label.

Well... You don't
have to go, Mrs. G.

I know, but Ernest does
love chamber music.

I bet he'd get a kick out of it.

I'll go tell him about it.

Thank you, Blair.

Oh, no, thank you.

You know, Blair,

this time your brilliant
idea actually was.

I can't believe you
invited Mrs. G to go along

just so you could spy on her.

That is not the
reason I invited her.

Well, it's not the only reason.

This way I won't have to spend
the evening with Barnett alone.

It's a great idea, Blair.

You'll have the whole
evening with Mrs. Garrett

and this Melbourne guy.

Yeah. If he's gonna
marry Mrs. Garrett

and take her away,

I wanna know more about him.

I wanna know
everything about him.

Your, uh, young
man seems to be late.

Please. Barnett Thornwood
III is not my young man.

Yeah, but he is late.

At this rate, you'll miss the
dedication of the blast furnace.

Oh, that's all right.

We don't mind getting
to the factory late.

Do we, Ernest?

No, no. As long as we're there
in time for the chamber music.

I cannot believe I'm
actually waiting for that nerd.

Barnett has never done
anything worth waiting for

in his entire life.

Oh, Mrs. Garrett,

thank you so much
for coming with us.

Being alone with Barnett
is more than I could bear.

Well, just think of us as
your Nerd Protection Service.

Don't worry, Blair,

Ernest and I will
stick to you like glue.

Uh, Blair, there's
someone out here

I'd just like you
to say hello to.

Jo, this is not the time.

Well, hello.

And who might you be?

This is Barnett Thornwood.

Barnett Thornwood?

The Third.

Hi, Blair.

Hi.

Like glue, Blair,
we'll stick like glue.

Kids, you're gonna
love this place.

It's the best Mexican
restaurant in upstate New York.

Thank you.

Senor Melbourne,
Senora Garrett. Carlos.

How are you?
Your table is waiting.

How's the family, Carlos?

Mrs. Garrett, we'll
meet you at the table.

Come on, Barnett.

How's your new baby, Carlos?

Oh, he's gotten so
big. Let me show you.

These were taken
last month at Sears.

Alone at last.

Oh, Barney.

Barney, Barney,
Barney, Barney, Barney.

How you've changed in two years.

I wouldn't have recognized
you had I tripped over you.

Well, I've spent a lot
of time at the dentist.

And at the gym.

How did you dry up your hands?

Mega vitamins.

You are so improved.

Kiss me.

Well, you're in for
a real treat, kids.

Sit down, honey.

Carlos taught me
everything I know about tacos.

Nothing tops off an
evening of chamber music

like tortillas and
refried beans.

Do you two come here often?

We try to.

We kind of think
of it as our place.

So you two have your own place.

Ah, mis amigos,
so good to see you.

Tonight, Renaldo's
guitar will sing for you.

What is your pleasure?

How about playing

our song?

So you two have your own song.

To love in friendship.

To friendship in love.

May we always have both.

Both? You have both?

How long have you had both?

♪

Oh, Blair, I'm so glad

you didn't cancel me
out again this year.

What?

What?

Never mind.

What? What's so funny?

What's he saying?

It's a private joke.

Private joke.

Leaving me standing
here, and I says,

"Don't come back. I don't care."

Good food.

Ah, you bet.

As a salesman, I travel a lot,

and this is the best
Mexican food I've found.

So you travel a lot?

How much is a lot?

Too much for my taste.

Ernest, the dinner was perfecto.

Oh, how I wish I could learn
to make that chicken mole.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna see if I can pry
that recipe out of Carlos.

Don't leave without me.

Ah, she's a wonderful woman.

She certainly is.

You really are, Blair.

Now that you've noticed me,

I hope this will be the start
of something wonderful.

Oh, Barnett.

Hold that thought.

So, how long have you and this

wonderful woman
known each other?

Oh, about six years

on the East Coast.

What?

Well, we, uh, saw
each other out West, too.

And our paths did
cross briefly in Calcutta.

You crossed in Calcutta?

You know, when I think about it,

Edna and I go back a long way.

Almost 15 years.

Fifteen years?

You've known Mrs.
Garrett for 15 years?

Give or take.

Don't you think a
15-year engagement

is a little excessive?

Oh, now wait a
minute, young lady.

We're not talking
engagement here.

Marriage is not my style.

You mean you and Mrs.
Garrett have spent 15 years

dating?

That's right.

I did it. I did it.

I got the recipe from Carlos.

So, the next time
you're in town,

I'll be waiting with
a light in my window

and a chicken mole in my pot.

Oh, Edna, you spoil me.

She spoils him!

She cooks for him.

Blair?

She probably does his laundry.

What?

Come on, girls, up, up.

We have serious
things to discuss.

You, too, Jo.

Mrs. Garrett is in the
throes of a personal tragedy.

You're gonna be in the
throes of a personal tragedy

if you don't shut
off that light.

Jo, put a pillow over your face.

This is important.

What'd you find out?

Mrs. Garrett and
that Melbourne man

have been dating for 15 years.

Fifteen years?

That's longer than
I've been alive.

Blair, where exactly do
you see this heading?

Nowhere, Natalie. Nowhere.

It's all so tawdry.

Mrs. Garrett waits for him,
smiling through her tears,

hoping that each time
he breezes through town

he'll ask her to marry him.

And he won't?

Never.

Never.

Ever.

He told me so.

He said, "Marriage
isn't my style."

The sleaze.

Then why is Mrs. Garrett
hanging on to a man

who'll never marry her?

Because Mr. Melbourne
may be her last chance.

Well, we'll have to find
her another last chance.

Fast, before her time runs out.

I don't believe
I'm hearin' this.

Is this real life or
is this a nightmare?

Both.

Jo, we have to do
something to help Mrs. Garrett.

Why?

Because she has no
future with this man.

And she's not
getting any younger.

It's so sad.

Mrs. Garrett is waiting to
catch her last train to happiness.

And what she doesn't know is,

it's not stoppin'
at her station.

Not even the caboose.

Mrs. Garrett's life is not
Grand Central Station.

Butt out and go to bed!

I cannot believe you
are so insensitive.

Blair,

one day a decade
you care about people,

all of a sudden you're
Eleanor Roosevelt.

I don't care what you say.

I'm putting a stop
to this right now.

Girls, it's late.

You can tell because everyone
else on campus is sleeping.

Mrs. Garrett,

I need to talk to you right now.

Can't you wait until tomorrow
to make a fool of yourself?

No, I can't.

Please sit down.

It's about Mr. Melbourne.

How can I put this delicately?

That creep is ruining your life.

What?

You've gotta stop seeing him.

He's no good for you.

Well, shouldn't I
be the judge of that?

No.

Your judgment is clouded.

You're a desperate woman.

You're right.

I'm desperately
trying to figure out

what's going on here.

Let him go, Mrs. Garrett.

Let him chug right
out of your station.

Take the A train.

Look, one of you better explain
to me what you're all talking about.

I'll handle that one.

Some people are worried,

'cause they think you
wanna marry Mr. Melbourne

and he's not interested.

I won't mention any names,

but they're all sitting down.

Oh, I'm beginning to understand.

So,

you think I want to
marry Mr. Melbourne?

Sure.

He's real nice, and he's
kinda cute for an older guy.

And you've been
dating for years.

Fifteen years.
Did you know that?

No kiddin'.

Look, Ernest is a good friend.

I trust him, I like him.

He makes me laugh.

Well, isn't that
grounds for marriage?

For some people.

For me, grounds for marriage is

wanting to be married.

Look, when I go out with Ernest,

it's to have a good time.

Just like you do, Blair,

when you go out
with Paul, and David,

and Steve, and
Buckey, and Barnett.

What about your future?

We just want you to be happy.

I am happy.

I have good friends,

wonderful children
and a career I love.

Now and then I do
feel a little lonely,

but it doesn't last as long

as the good feeling I
have most of the time.

My life is pretty terrific.

Yeah. Right now, I
don't want to change it.

Will you ever get married again?

Sure.

If I ever think it'll make
my life fuller than it is now.

Sure.

Well, I'm not quite
sure I agree with you.

But I guess it is your life.

That's what I've been
telling you all day.

Now can we please
go back to bed?

Good idea. Good idea.

I have to get up early.
I've got a breakfast date.

Say hi to Mr. Melbourne for us.

What makes you so sure my
date is with Mr. Melbourne?

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪