The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 3, Episode 1 - Growing Pains - full transcript

♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life,
the facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you got to
go and show you're growing ♪

♪ And now you know
about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get them right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

Is this gorgeous or what?

Is that really somebody's head?

It's more than just
a head. It's Paul.

He's the one who sent it to me.

I met him at the
Akron County Fair.

Now I know why God
invented vacations.

So my family could drive across
country and I could meet boys.



Yeah, I know.

I didn't meet any
boys on my vacation.

In Europe, they're born men.

Yeah, I know.

What is with this, "Yeah,
I know," like you know?

You spent the entire summer
at the Minnehaha Camp for Girls.

Admit it.

The closest you got to a boy was when
the camp put on The Sound of Music

and you played Baron Von Trapp.

Everyone said I gave a
sparkling performance.

They were talkin'
about your braces, kid.

Oh, Blair, you should've brought
back some souvenirs from Europe.

Aha, but I did.

I've just been saving
this for the right occasion.

Ooh, come on, open it up. Yeah!

Ah, how about later, Jo?

Not in front of the child.

Now, who are
you callin' a child?

If I was still a child, they wouldn't
have made me Dorm Monitor.

They would if nobody
else wanted the job.

Oh, come on, Blair. Let
me see what's in the box.

Sorry, Tootie,
but this is private.

Come in.

Mail call! Jo. Thank you.

Tootie. Thanks.

Tootie,

every time I look
at you, you change.

Your hair looks
different, your teeth...

Well, I can't see your teeth,

but I'm sure they'll look different
once the braces come off.

Yeah, her mouth won't
look like train tracks forever.

Natalie.

That's okay, Mrs. Garrett.

I consider my braces
a status symbol.

What status?

I'm a teenager now.

Oh, Blair, there
you go. Thank you.

And the rest of it is for
you, Natalie. Thank you.

All of those?

Natalie, have you been
writing to prisoners again?

I don't have to do that anymore.

Nebraska, Kansas,

Iowa, Iowa, Iowa.
Oh, great state, Iowa.

They don't call it the
Heartland for nothing.

Uh, Blair has souvenirs,
too, but she won't show 'em.

Oh, really? Hey, Blair,
what do you have?

Uh, just a few trinkets from
my European vacances.

That's vacation.

You know, Swiss
watches, Italian handbags.

Ooh. French cheese.

You're not supposed to
have food in the rooms.

And what's that, "Dorm
Rule Number Five"?

No. Seven.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I
have a safety check to make.

Tootie, I think it's terrific
that you're Dorm Monitor.

It's a dirty job, but
somebody's gotta do it.

I think I'll start in your
room, Mrs. Garrett.

My room? You're not gonna
find a problem in my room.

French cheese?

Okay, so she caught
me a little off guard.

Feast your eyes on this.

Ah, booze.

Booze? You heathen.

That's pouilly-fuisse.

Gesundheit.

Think of it as the
Michelob of French wines.

How many bottles have you got?

Two.

What are you gonna do with them?

Well, Mrs. Garrett has a meeting
with the headmaster tonight,

and Tootie's got the Drama Club.

I thought I'd throw a party.

What's the occasion?

I told you. Mrs. Garrett's got a
meeting with the headmaster tonight,

and Tootie's got the Drama Club.

I'll buy that.

You really think we
should leave out Tootie?

Natalie, you're an
upper-classman now.

Either you play
with the big girls,

or you play with
the little girls.

Well, it'll certainly be a
change from milk and cookies.

Ah. I don't know if I
can get this stuff down.

I'll get some beer.

How will you get beer?

I'll get some beer.

Shh.

You girls will have to
find a better place for this.

It's blocking the fire exit.

So what's the problem? It
blocked the fire exit last year.

I'm just doing my job.

Fine. Just do it quietly.

And, uh, could you
do it somewhere else?

We're in the middle
of something important.

Well, what a
coincidence. So am I.

Gosh, look at this!
Can you believe it?

Oh, Mr. Parker can't say
no to this budget increase.

Unless he's just a basically
cold, heartless, stingy person.

I'm dead.

When are you meetin' with him?

In about ten minutes.

Oh, Tootie, he's just gotta
give us a new rotisserie.

The old one turns so fast
the chickens get whiplash.

Would you mind asking
Jo if she'd try to fix it again?

I can't. I've decided
I'm not talking to Jo.

Oh? You two fighting?

If we were fighting,
I'd be talking to her.

I see.

I'm not talking
to Blair, either.

Oh. You girls will work it out.

Or Natalie.

Oh, Tootie, please, I'm trying
to finish this before my meeting.

I guess you wanna know
why I'm not talking to them.

Yes, I guess I do.

They're always putting me down.

They treat me like a kid.
Can't they see I've changed?

Well, honey, sometimes people need
a little time to get used to the change.

Well, can't you talk to them?

They'd listen to you. You
should stick up for me.

Yeah, but I think you girls are old
enough to work it out yourselves.

I shouldn't get involved.

I'll take the first. Okay.

Mrs. Garrett, tell them
to give me a chance!

Tell them I'm not a baby.

Tootie, would you not whine?
You're giving me a migraine.

I'm not whining!

Tootie, trust me,
you're whining.

Well, I'm ready.

My parents bought this stuff at the
Polynesian Palace in Kansas City, MO.

Well, come on, let's get
this show on the road.

Jo, pass me the
pineapple chunks.

And the maraschino cherries.

What are you
gonna do with those?

I'm gonna put 'em in the wine.

I can't drink booze
without food in it.

Well, I'm starting.

Where'd you get the beer?

I got the beer.

Here's to those
who wish me well,

all the rest can go to Jersey.

Oh, you're back!

I know.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

But what are you doing here?

I've decided I'm not
gonna be in the school play.

Why not?

'Cause they're doing The
Sound of Music here, too,

and they want me to play
Baron Von Trapp, again.

But you told everyone you
were wonderful in your camp play.

I was. But I don't
wanna be typecast.

Uh, hey, what's goin' on?

You guys havin' a party?

Sort of.

Where's the milk and cookies?

It's not that
kind of party, kid.

You've got beer!

And wine!

Thanks, Natalie.

You guys can't have that
stuff. It's against the law.

And it's against the rules,
and why didn't you invite me?

This isn't your speed.

We're in the fast lane, Tootie.

You're still on the bike path.

Face it, kid, you're
under the hill.

You, too, Natalie?

Ah, come on, Tootie.

There are lots of
other things you can do.

You're Dorm Monitor, aren't you?

Yeah, that's right. And
don't you guys forget it.

How can we?

Why don't you go, uh, turn
off a light or lock a door?

Or report a drunken brawl.

What?

Report us?

It's my job.

You wouldn't.

Why not?

'Cause you don't have the guts.

I do, too.

You're breakin' the rules, and
it's my job, and this is my room!

Then we'll take our
party out of your room.

Yeah, let's go to
the laundry room.

I'm real disappointed
in you, Tootie.

Please. What do you
expect from a child?

Come on, let's get out of here.

You know, kid, you're
gettin' to be a real drag.

Yeah, you guys are
gonna be sorry for this.

You guys think you
know everything!

You think you're so grown up!

Yeah, well, I'm
not such a child.

And I can do anything they do.

Come in, come in, Mr. Parker.

Make yourself comfy.

It isn't often the
Headmaster visits

my humble, extremely humble,

humiliatingly humble kitchen.

I said I would consider
your budget request.

I am not promising anything.

Now, shouldn't that
door have been locked?

Oh, Tootie probably
left it open for me.

Well, how thoughtful
of her. Mmm-hmm.

And what is this?

Did she think maybe that you would
like to crawl in through the window?

What are you talking
about? Well, look.

Oh, this I don't understand.
That's not like her at all.

Tootie is so responsible.

I hope so. Dorm Monitor
is more than just a title.

You're right. Well, here we are.

My famous Apple Kuchen.

I'll just heat it up for
you in the bun warmer.

Mrs. Garrett,

you don't have a bun warmer.

Oh.

And you're not getting one.

Mr. Parker, there's
an old saying,

"He who has a cold
heart, also has cold buns."

Oh, uh, hi, Mrs.
Garrett. Mr. Parker.

Hi, Mrs. Garrett! Mr. Parker!

Tootie, are you okay?

Oh, sure, I'm fine.

I just came down
to lock the door.

That's the window.

Tootie, I...

I smell liquor.

So do I.

Uh, Tootie?

Tootie.

Well, it seems we
have a problem.

Oh, you, too, huh?

Well, you know what they say.

Life has its ups and downs.

Down, Tootie. Sit on the step.

Mrs. Garrett, I don't
like what I see here.

What... What...
What could you see?

I see a person who
is not doing her job.

Now, you're...
you're dorm monitor.

Now, that's a
big responsibility.

So is cooking for
hundreds of girls

on equipment that is out-moded,
out-dated or just plain out.

Tootie, you and your
roommates are still on probation.

Now, if you backslide, well,

you girls'll be out of here
faster than you could say...

Bun warmer? That's a
nice, short, inexpensive word.

So is good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Young lady, I want
a few words with you.

Uh, could you
wait until I can talk?

Tootie, you're drunk!

I'm just sick!

Me, too.

You feeling any better?

Uh-huh.

Tootie, how could you do this
to yourself, and your stomach,

and the carpet?

Did you finish the
whole bottle of wine?

I don't know. I don't remember.

Well, there's a lot
you didn't remember.

You didn't remember
to lock the windows,

you didn't remember
to turn off the lights.

You didn't remember that
you were Dorm Monitor. Period.

I know.

I blew my job.

It's not just that.

Tootie, do you realize you
can be expelled for this?

You know, lately you've
been making a big deal

about how you've grown up,
and how nobody's noticed it.

Well, let me tell you something.

Getting drunk is not a
grown-up thing to do,

even when a grownup does it.

I know, Mrs. Garrett.

And I promise I'll
never do it again.

That's not good enough.

I have to know where
you got that wine.

I said I was sorry!

I cannot believe

you spilled a half a
bottle of $30 wine.

It was an accident!

It ate the wax
right off the floor.

Well, at least we have
another bottle upstairs.

Count me out. I feel awful.

You should. You swallowed
half a can of pineapple chunks

and a jar of maraschino cherries.
I got sick just watchin' you.

Well, it tasted
good at the time.

Tootie, you don't seem to
realize how serious this is.

I'm responsible for you girls,

and I'm responsible
to the school.

And if the pouilly-fuisse
is flowing like water,

I have to find out
who turned on the tap.

Oh, you're talking.
We'll come back. Bye.

Mrs. Garrett... Tootie...
The bottle... Oh.

Come on.

Girls, don't go away.

Come in.

We have a problem.

Oh, uh...

Uh, you know, Mrs. G, you know, you
should have come to the movies with us.

You could have seen a
giant mushroom eat New York.

Jo, please.

I came back here tonight,
and Tootie was drunk.

Drunk?

She polished off
a bottle of wine.

The whole bottle?

Maybe she spilled some.

So, I guess she told
you where she got it.

No, I didn't.

But I have my ideas.

Have you girls got any ideas?

Not moi.

Jo?

Me?

Uh, I haven't had
an idea since '79.

You got any ideas, Nat?

Not a one. Blair?

I see.

Tootie, I'm going to have to
go see Mr. Parker about this.

What?

But last year he expelled
two girls for drinking.

I know.

But there's liquor
on this campus

and I have to find out
where it's comin' from.

I have no choice.

I don't know.

Maybe you older girls
can help me out on this?

Tootie, they really gonna
kick you out of school?

They will if I keep
my mouth shut.

Are you gonna keep
your mouth shut?

Why should I?

'Cause if you don't,
we'll get expelled.

Now wait.

Let's be practical about this.

What would you
gain by implicating us

and dragging us down with you?

Revenge.

For what?

If it weren't for you guys,
I wouldn't be in this mess.

It was your wine.

Well, we didn't pour
it down your throat.

That doesn't matter.

You guys left me
out of your party.

You leave me out of everything.

No, we don't. Yes, you do!

You make fun of me.

You call me "kid" and
that makes me feel rotten.

Well, we didn't mean
to make you feel bad.

That doesn't matter, you did.

You know, I'm a teenager now.

I mean, I may not be
as "teen" as you guys,

but at least I got
a foot in the door,

but you guys keep
slammin' it on me.

Some best friend I am.

I guess none of us will
win any prizes for friendship.

Face it. There's only
one way to make this right.

We gotta tell Mrs.
G it's our fault.

If Tootie's gonna be expelled,

we should be expelled with her.

Isn't that just a
little extreme?

Okay, lights out.

It's been a long
night for all of us.

It's about to get longer.

Mrs. Garrett,

we have something to tell you.

We know where
Tootie got the wine.

It doesn't matter
where I got it.

I know what I did
was childish and wrong

but I did it, and
it was my fault.

And if I have to
be expelled, then...

I'll be packed by noon.

Jeez, now that took guts.

Okay, Tootie, if that's
the way you want it.

We'll go see Mr. Parker
in the morning.

Wait, please.

Does he have group
rates on expulsions?

What do you mean?

What she means is

we're responsible for the wine.

And the beer.

How'd you get beer?

I got beer.

Mrs. Garrett,

Tootie only did what
she saw us doing.

I had a feeling the grape
didn't fall far from the vine.

Oh, girls, girls.

Do you girls realize what
deep trouble you're in?

I just had another one
of my brilliant ideas.

Why bother Mr. Parker
with any of this?

Blair.

No, no, no. What I mean is,

why don't you punish us? Yes.

No!

Yeah, you've done it before.

And you're so good at it.

I couldn't be severe
enough with you girls.

Sure you would. We trust you.

I mean, what could I do?
Ground you for a couple of weeks?

Make it a month.

Make it two.

And no television
during the week.

Or on weekends.

And no dates.

No dates.

Let's see.

Grounded for two months,

no television, no dates.

Well, then, all
things considered,

I'll take a chance on you.

I won't go to Mr. Parker.

Thank you, Mrs. Garrett.

Thanks a lot.

But, girls, if you ever think of
pulling a stunt like this again,

you're on your own.

Good night.

I'm exhausted.

Yeah.

Being mature is hard
work, isn't it, Stretch?

Stretch?

Can't call you kid anymore.

How about Brace-Face?

I like Metal-Mouth.

I like Tin-Grin better.

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the fun of
managing the facts of life ♪

♪ They shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear them
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear them
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get them right,
call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you got to do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪