The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 2, Episode 14 - Pretty Babies - full transcript
Tootie is lured into doing a photo shoot for a child pornographer.
♪♪ [Humming]
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪
♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
What's up, doc?
[Laughing] Hmm? Ah.
Blair's still not back from
the post office. Of course not.
Why should Blair hurry just
'cause we're slavin' away here?
I don't mind slaving. Polishing
silverware is the high point of my day.
My social life is about as
exciting as a Gomer Pyle rerun.
I suppose you'll
take a swing at me...
if I said you were
just at a difficult age.
No. I'm used to hearing it. My
mother tells me that at every age.
Hey! Could somebody help me?
I'm flyin' blind. Could somebody
bring me in for a landing?
[Exhales]
What is this, Willis,
your luggage?
Mrs. Garrett asked you up here for
a weekend, not the rest of your life.
Very funny. I'm
just helping Blair.
She said to me, "Oh, Willis,
could we go to the post office
and pick up a few packages?"
Well, it looks
like that we is me.
Mrs. Garrett!
You'll never guess!
I'm a C.C. girl!
- A C.C. girl? How wonderful!
- What's a C.C. girl?
I don't know, but look
how happy it's making her.
I'm selling Countess
Calvet cosmetics.
Countess Calvet? Oh,
I've always admired her.
She's trying something new.
She's decided to sell her
cosmetics on school campuses.
And I, Blair Warner,
am her personal
representative at Eastland.
Blair. I never thought of
you as a Fuller Brush man.
Well, think again. I'm
tired of being the idle rich.
I'm going to be
the working rich...
Like Gloria Vanderbilt
and Jackie O.
It must the newest thing
in minority employment.
"Hire an heiress." [Laughing]
Working gives meaning to life.
I want to be able to
earn my own money...
instead of depending
on my mother, my father,
my stocks, my trust fund,
my silver mine, my T-bills,
my... All right, all right.
Blair, I think it's wonderful you want to
make your own way in the business world.
You'll be terrific at it.
You know, working for a living
is an exhilarating experience.
Gee, that means I've been
exhilarated for over 35...
22 years.
Come on, Willis. Come on.
You deserve a lemonade.
Blair, how are you gonna
find time to be a C.C. girl?
You have the busiest
social life in school.
Ah, Natalie.
Natalie, Natalie,
Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.
One does not ask the sun how
it finds time to warm the Earth,
give suntans, solar
energy... Heatstroke.
Let me welcome you to the wonderful
world of Countess Calvet Cosmetics.
The countess's motto
is: Dare to be you.
You mean, dare to put on all
this goop and go out in public.
Let the countess discover
the hidden beauty in you,
no matter how deep it's buried.
I don't believe it.
I stood at that display
table for over two hours,
and all I have to show
for it are leg cramps.
I guess the girls aren't into
that phony makeup stuff.
Jo, outer beauty
enhances inner beauty.
To make Eastland girls
realize that is my mission in life.
Or, if your mission fails,
you'll be stuck with
150 skin-care kits.
Right.
I gotta unload this stuff.
What am I going to do?
This reminds me of that play
we're studying in English...
Death of a Salesman.
- [Knocking]
- Come in.
[Gasps] Who said he
could come in here?
You... You just did.
Well, I thought you
were one of the girls.
Boys aren't allowed up here.
I'm just droppin' off some
more skin-care kits for Blair.
[Whimpering]
Well, okay, Willis. You
can go now. Bye-bye.
Tootie, be cool. I've been
in a girl's room before.
I got a sister. There's
nothin' I haven't seen before.
What is this? I'll take that.
[Laughing]
Tootie. Still wearin'
feet pajamas?
They're mine.
You wanna make somethin' of it?
Hey, no. Feet pajamas are cool.
I... I mean, warm.
I wear 'em too.
Wanna go play some basketball?
Sure. Let's play some 21.
Great. I'll spot you six points.
Guys always say that the first game.
What am I going to do? I know I
have it in me to be an earning person.
So why can't I sell anything?
[Clicks Tongue] Well, let's
look at your sales manual.
I've done everything they say.
"One: Radiate charm."
Now, I ask you.
"Two: Be warm and sincere."
When am I not?
Go on, dear.
"Three: Don't be discouraged
if things start slowly.
"Use Countess Calvet where
she'll do the most good...
and let the product
speak for itself."
Let me see that. "Remember,
"one incredibly dramatic
makeover can start the ball rolling.
All you may need is
a walking billboard."
You mean, somebody
with a flat face?
No. Somebody to
wear the products...
so people can see what the
cosmetics can do for them.
Tootie, Mrs. Garrett needs you
in the kitchen. How's it goin', Blair?
- Natalie.
- What?
- Natalie?
- What?
- Natalie.
- What? Oh, I get it.
It's a contest... Who can
drive Natalie crazy first?
Have fun.
What was that all
about? Oh, nothing.
Natalie, let's talk
about your face.
What do you want
to say about it?
It's wonderful raw material.
And I'm not just saying that
because I'm selling cosmetics, no.
I would love to help you
reach your full beauty potential.
Haven't I?
Well, there's always
room for improvement.
Isn't there something you would
like the countess to do for you?
Well, I would like bones.
Uh, what?
Cheekbones.
Tell you what.
Why don't you just
sit down right here,
and we'll shade
those little bones.
And while we're at it, we'll
highlight those baby blues...
and outline those luscious lips.
Have you got that much time?
For you? Certainement.
When we're through, we'll show you
off at Debbie's slumber party tonight.
- I'm not invited to that party.
- You are now.
[No Audible Dialogue]
Blair, you're late.
Have you seen Natalie?
The question is: Have
you seen Natalie?
My first Countess
Calvet creation. Ta-da!
Well, what do you think?
[Murmuring]
What can I say?
Thanks, Mrs. Garrett.
I knew you'd love it.
Nat, is that you? You
look like a movie star.
Maybe you shouldn't
be in the kitchen.
What if one of your false
eyelashes crawls into the food?
Uh-uh-uh. Envy
causes frown lines.
Sorry we're late. We've
been dorm-hopping.
We've been showing
Countess Calvet in action.
Blair's made a lot of sales.
[Phone Rings] I'll get it.
Okay, girls, grab a couple of
sponges and start scrubbing.
Blair, scrub the fridge.
Natalie, scrub your face.
- What?
- Seeing as how you're
under all that stuff,
I hope you're planning on washing
it all off with lots of soap and water.
Mrs. Garrett, you wash
your socks in soap and water.
Natalie cleanses her face.
[Murmurs]
Blair, it's for you.
Long distance.
She's right, Mrs. Garrett.
I cleanse my face...
with the Calvet daily
skin-care plan... at only 24.95.
$24.95?
It's a complete skin-care kit.
I'll show you a
complete skin-care kit.
Softener... oatmeal.
Sixty-nine cents.
Tired eyes? Put
cucumber slices on 'em.
Twenty cents.
Wanna tighten your
pores? Egg whites.
Only 10 cents each.
I don't wanna put
food on my face.
Oh, but you'll put
this on your face.
Mrs. Garrett! This
is unbelievable!
She called. She did?
Yes, and she's
coming here tomorrow.
I'm new here. Who is she?
She'll tell us.
Countess Calvet.
She's visiting all the
schools in the area...
to personally welcome her
junior beauty ambassadors.
I can't wait till she sees me.
After all, my face
is Blair's canvas,
and she's created a work of art.
Now, about tomorrow's menu...
Ratatouille, crepes Florentine,
and chocolate soufflé.
- How does that sound?
- Wonderful.
But we're having
franks and beans.
How much did you have to cough
up for all this stuff Blair sold you?
You can't put a price on beauty.
"You can't put a
price on beauty"?
Natalie, how much?
For everything? Yeah.
$87.42.
- What?
- Approximately.
- Where were you gonna get
that kind of bread?
- I have a plan.
You wanna loan me $87.42?
You gotta be kiddin'.
How 'bout a dime? Okay.
Thanks.
How's she gonna get
that kind of money?
She could knock
over a candy machine.
Not Natalie. She's the
most honest person I know.
Hi, Mom.
Guess what's come up at school?
One of those little
unexpected expenses.
$87.42.
But, Mom, it's an
overnight field trip,
and I'm supposed to room
with my best friend, Blair.
Come on, Mom. Of
course it's for a field trip.
Would I lie to you?
I know it's a lot of money, Mom.
But all the other girls
are going on the field trip.
Right. $87.42.
A check'll be fine.
Thanks, Mom.
[Clears Throat] I bet you're
thinking I shouldn't have told...
that little untruth to
my mother just now.
It wasn't an untruth.
It was a big, fat, ugly
lie, and it stinks out loud.
I hear a note of
disapproval in your voice.
Listen harder. It's disgust.
I'm just helping Blair to be
a successful saleswoman.
After all, she is
my best friend.
I thought I was
your best friend.
You're my best younger friend.
Blair's my best older friend.
[Scoffs] What makes you
think Blair is your best friend?
Where have you been?
We're inseparable. She
takes me everywhere.
Sure she does. You're
wearing everything she sells.
Yeah. You're a lot easier to
lug around than a sample case.
I happen to know
Blair is very sincere.
She and I are best friends, and
we're gonna stay that way, okay?
Oh.
Mrs. G., I don't believe it.
Natalie is still upstairs doin' all
kinds of strange things to her face.
I can't look at her
anymore. [Laughs]
That's okay. She's lookin'
at herself enough for all of us.
Well, I know she's
gone a little overboard,
but that's Natalie. [Chuckles]
Oh, come on, girls.
Fess up. Aren't you
even a little excited...
about meeting a celebrity
like the countess today?
Yeah. No.
Well, I can't help it.
She's so glamorous.
In all her magazine pictures it
looks like she smells of orchids.
Orchids make me sick.
Girls, I talked to
Blair, and we agreed...
that we're gonna handle this
whole thing with understated dignity.
She's here! She's
here! I cannot stand it!
The countess's
limousine is outside.
Aw, gee. And we didn't even have a
chance to vacuum the driveway yet.
Now stop it. The countess
is just like you and me.
Well, like me.
Hello, darlings. Hello.
I am looking for Blair Warner.
Countess, at your service.
Don't forget to kiss her ring.
Countess, welcome.
Welcome to Eastland.
Blair, get off your knees.
It's so nice to have you here.
Blair. Jo?
Oh, it's just a
delight to meet you.
I'm so glad to meet you.
I'd like you to meet
Tootie Ramsey. Hello.
[Sniffs] Mmm! You
do smell like orchids.
These are lilies of the
valley. Orchids make me sick.
- [Chortles]
- And this is Jo Polniaczek.
Charmed, I'm sure.
What a natural beauty you
are. Fantastic bone structure.
No kiddin'? [Giggling]
Countess, I'm Blair Warner, your
beauty ambassador at Eastland.
Remember? I'm
thrilled to meet you.
Of course you are.
Please. Please, make
yourself comfortable.
Thank you.
And I am Edna Garrett,
the school nutritionist.
Ah, then you know the
true secret to beauty.
You are what you eat.
That's what I keep tellin'
'em. You are what you eat.
Two good reasons
for not eating zucchini.
No, no, no, darling.
Vegetables make you glow.
If you eat junk,
you look like junk.
Am I right, darling? Right.
Oh, I love the way you say that.
What? Junk?
No. Darling.
Would you please
teach me how to say that?
You can't learn
how to say darling.
You have to be
born with it, darling.
Darling... Uh... [Clears Throat]
Countess, would you
care for a cup of tea?
An herbal mix... no caffeine.
I'd love it. Thank
you very much.
What a beautiful girl you are...
The perfect person
to represent me.
I know.
And you've always
been an inspiration to me.
I know.
Everybody tells me that.
You've married so well.
And so often.
And such interesting men.
Oh, yes. One was a diplomat.
Then a hotel man
and then an actor.
- And the count.
- Oh, the count.
I always forget the count.
But, then, I hardly knew him.
Uh, Countess Calvet, I'd
like you to meet Natalie Green.
I'm thrilled.
And I am speechless.
Oh! Thank you, Countess.
We knew you'd love the results.
What have you done to my makeup?
And what have you done
to this poor little girl's face?
She's helped me fulfill
my beauty potential.
"Fulfill"? She's
drooping of makeup.
I just did what you said. I
made her into a walking billboard.
And it only cost Natalie $87.42.
That's outrageous!
Blair, what were
you trying to do?
I was trying to be a success.
That is wonderful, but makeup must make
you look more natural and more beautiful.
As a matter of fact, I'm just
coming out with a new beauty book...
Twenty-five Easy
Steps to the Natural You.
Wonderful. We'll give away one
free copy with each makeup kit.
No, no, no. I don't believe in
giving away anything for free...
Except advice.
And my advice to you guys
is don't use my makeup.
- What?
- I've got a better idea.
Wait until I come
out with my new line...
just for young girls.
Right on, Countess. I always say
a good diet is the best foundation.
I love that, Mrs. Garrett.
I am going to use it
in my new book. Oh.
Twenty-six Easy Steps
to the Natural You.
It's late. I'm afraid I must go.
You're not staying
for lunch? I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry too.
Blair, darling, don't be sad.
I'm sure anything you're
going to do in your life,
you're going to be a success.
You are so much like me.
Keep up the good
work, Mrs. Garrett.
Darling, you are a darling.
Such lovely eyes.
Oh. Cucumbers.
Naturally.
Well, girls, good-bye.
Stay beautiful... and young.
Oh.
[Chattering]
Boy, she's more
glamorous than a movie star.
Yeah, she's not half bad.
She liked my bone
structure. [Giggling]
She's magnificent.
And she has such integrity.
Not like some people I know.
Yeah. Some people sell you stuff
you don't need and can't afford...
and make you think
you're best friends,
when all some
people really want...
is to make money off of you.
I'm sorry, Natalie.
I guess I did kind
of lead you on.
I was just trying to make good.
Over my victimized body.
Blair, when you climb
up the ladder of success,
just be sure you
don't step on people.
I know that... now.
Forgive me, Natalie.
Why should I?
Oh, you don't want
Blair to grovel, do you?
She wants you to grovel.
[Sighs] Natalie, aren't
you forgetting something?
It's not all Blair's fault.
I knew it. I knew it
couldn't be all my fault.
Well, you were
selling friendship.
But, Natalie, weren't
you trying to buy it?
What do you mean? Every
time you bought something,
you got another chance
to share in Blair's social life.
You got me on that
one, Mrs. Garrett.
It's just kinda hard finding out
that a friend was being friendly...
only because I'm a
beautiful billboard.
No. Honest, Natalie, you're
much more than a billboard.
You are a friend.
And I'm gonna give
you a full refund.
Which I'll then give
back to my mother.
Good idea. [Clicks Tongue]
Well, Blair, there goes your profits.
[Whimpers]
Don't feel badly, Blair. You'll
find other ways to make money.
I don't know. I think I should
stick to what I do best...
Spend money.
[No Audible Dialogue]
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪
♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪
♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪♪
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪
♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
What's up, doc?
[Laughing] Hmm? Ah.
Blair's still not back from
the post office. Of course not.
Why should Blair hurry just
'cause we're slavin' away here?
I don't mind slaving. Polishing
silverware is the high point of my day.
My social life is about as
exciting as a Gomer Pyle rerun.
I suppose you'll
take a swing at me...
if I said you were
just at a difficult age.
No. I'm used to hearing it. My
mother tells me that at every age.
Hey! Could somebody help me?
I'm flyin' blind. Could somebody
bring me in for a landing?
[Exhales]
What is this, Willis,
your luggage?
Mrs. Garrett asked you up here for
a weekend, not the rest of your life.
Very funny. I'm
just helping Blair.
She said to me, "Oh, Willis,
could we go to the post office
and pick up a few packages?"
Well, it looks
like that we is me.
Mrs. Garrett!
You'll never guess!
I'm a C.C. girl!
- A C.C. girl? How wonderful!
- What's a C.C. girl?
I don't know, but look
how happy it's making her.
I'm selling Countess
Calvet cosmetics.
Countess Calvet? Oh,
I've always admired her.
She's trying something new.
She's decided to sell her
cosmetics on school campuses.
And I, Blair Warner,
am her personal
representative at Eastland.
Blair. I never thought of
you as a Fuller Brush man.
Well, think again. I'm
tired of being the idle rich.
I'm going to be
the working rich...
Like Gloria Vanderbilt
and Jackie O.
It must the newest thing
in minority employment.
"Hire an heiress." [Laughing]
Working gives meaning to life.
I want to be able to
earn my own money...
instead of depending
on my mother, my father,
my stocks, my trust fund,
my silver mine, my T-bills,
my... All right, all right.
Blair, I think it's wonderful you want to
make your own way in the business world.
You'll be terrific at it.
You know, working for a living
is an exhilarating experience.
Gee, that means I've been
exhilarated for over 35...
22 years.
Come on, Willis. Come on.
You deserve a lemonade.
Blair, how are you gonna
find time to be a C.C. girl?
You have the busiest
social life in school.
Ah, Natalie.
Natalie, Natalie,
Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.
One does not ask the sun how
it finds time to warm the Earth,
give suntans, solar
energy... Heatstroke.
Let me welcome you to the wonderful
world of Countess Calvet Cosmetics.
The countess's motto
is: Dare to be you.
You mean, dare to put on all
this goop and go out in public.
Let the countess discover
the hidden beauty in you,
no matter how deep it's buried.
I don't believe it.
I stood at that display
table for over two hours,
and all I have to show
for it are leg cramps.
I guess the girls aren't into
that phony makeup stuff.
Jo, outer beauty
enhances inner beauty.
To make Eastland girls
realize that is my mission in life.
Or, if your mission fails,
you'll be stuck with
150 skin-care kits.
Right.
I gotta unload this stuff.
What am I going to do?
This reminds me of that play
we're studying in English...
Death of a Salesman.
- [Knocking]
- Come in.
[Gasps] Who said he
could come in here?
You... You just did.
Well, I thought you
were one of the girls.
Boys aren't allowed up here.
I'm just droppin' off some
more skin-care kits for Blair.
[Whimpering]
Well, okay, Willis. You
can go now. Bye-bye.
Tootie, be cool. I've been
in a girl's room before.
I got a sister. There's
nothin' I haven't seen before.
What is this? I'll take that.
[Laughing]
Tootie. Still wearin'
feet pajamas?
They're mine.
You wanna make somethin' of it?
Hey, no. Feet pajamas are cool.
I... I mean, warm.
I wear 'em too.
Wanna go play some basketball?
Sure. Let's play some 21.
Great. I'll spot you six points.
Guys always say that the first game.
What am I going to do? I know I
have it in me to be an earning person.
So why can't I sell anything?
[Clicks Tongue] Well, let's
look at your sales manual.
I've done everything they say.
"One: Radiate charm."
Now, I ask you.
"Two: Be warm and sincere."
When am I not?
Go on, dear.
"Three: Don't be discouraged
if things start slowly.
"Use Countess Calvet where
she'll do the most good...
and let the product
speak for itself."
Let me see that. "Remember,
"one incredibly dramatic
makeover can start the ball rolling.
All you may need is
a walking billboard."
You mean, somebody
with a flat face?
No. Somebody to
wear the products...
so people can see what the
cosmetics can do for them.
Tootie, Mrs. Garrett needs you
in the kitchen. How's it goin', Blair?
- Natalie.
- What?
- Natalie?
- What?
- Natalie.
- What? Oh, I get it.
It's a contest... Who can
drive Natalie crazy first?
Have fun.
What was that all
about? Oh, nothing.
Natalie, let's talk
about your face.
What do you want
to say about it?
It's wonderful raw material.
And I'm not just saying that
because I'm selling cosmetics, no.
I would love to help you
reach your full beauty potential.
Haven't I?
Well, there's always
room for improvement.
Isn't there something you would
like the countess to do for you?
Well, I would like bones.
Uh, what?
Cheekbones.
Tell you what.
Why don't you just
sit down right here,
and we'll shade
those little bones.
And while we're at it, we'll
highlight those baby blues...
and outline those luscious lips.
Have you got that much time?
For you? Certainement.
When we're through, we'll show you
off at Debbie's slumber party tonight.
- I'm not invited to that party.
- You are now.
[No Audible Dialogue]
Blair, you're late.
Have you seen Natalie?
The question is: Have
you seen Natalie?
My first Countess
Calvet creation. Ta-da!
Well, what do you think?
[Murmuring]
What can I say?
Thanks, Mrs. Garrett.
I knew you'd love it.
Nat, is that you? You
look like a movie star.
Maybe you shouldn't
be in the kitchen.
What if one of your false
eyelashes crawls into the food?
Uh-uh-uh. Envy
causes frown lines.
Sorry we're late. We've
been dorm-hopping.
We've been showing
Countess Calvet in action.
Blair's made a lot of sales.
[Phone Rings] I'll get it.
Okay, girls, grab a couple of
sponges and start scrubbing.
Blair, scrub the fridge.
Natalie, scrub your face.
- What?
- Seeing as how you're
under all that stuff,
I hope you're planning on washing
it all off with lots of soap and water.
Mrs. Garrett, you wash
your socks in soap and water.
Natalie cleanses her face.
[Murmurs]
Blair, it's for you.
Long distance.
She's right, Mrs. Garrett.
I cleanse my face...
with the Calvet daily
skin-care plan... at only 24.95.
$24.95?
It's a complete skin-care kit.
I'll show you a
complete skin-care kit.
Softener... oatmeal.
Sixty-nine cents.
Tired eyes? Put
cucumber slices on 'em.
Twenty cents.
Wanna tighten your
pores? Egg whites.
Only 10 cents each.
I don't wanna put
food on my face.
Oh, but you'll put
this on your face.
Mrs. Garrett! This
is unbelievable!
She called. She did?
Yes, and she's
coming here tomorrow.
I'm new here. Who is she?
She'll tell us.
Countess Calvet.
She's visiting all the
schools in the area...
to personally welcome her
junior beauty ambassadors.
I can't wait till she sees me.
After all, my face
is Blair's canvas,
and she's created a work of art.
Now, about tomorrow's menu...
Ratatouille, crepes Florentine,
and chocolate soufflé.
- How does that sound?
- Wonderful.
But we're having
franks and beans.
How much did you have to cough
up for all this stuff Blair sold you?
You can't put a price on beauty.
"You can't put a
price on beauty"?
Natalie, how much?
For everything? Yeah.
$87.42.
- What?
- Approximately.
- Where were you gonna get
that kind of bread?
- I have a plan.
You wanna loan me $87.42?
You gotta be kiddin'.
How 'bout a dime? Okay.
Thanks.
How's she gonna get
that kind of money?
She could knock
over a candy machine.
Not Natalie. She's the
most honest person I know.
Hi, Mom.
Guess what's come up at school?
One of those little
unexpected expenses.
$87.42.
But, Mom, it's an
overnight field trip,
and I'm supposed to room
with my best friend, Blair.
Come on, Mom. Of
course it's for a field trip.
Would I lie to you?
I know it's a lot of money, Mom.
But all the other girls
are going on the field trip.
Right. $87.42.
A check'll be fine.
Thanks, Mom.
[Clears Throat] I bet you're
thinking I shouldn't have told...
that little untruth to
my mother just now.
It wasn't an untruth.
It was a big, fat, ugly
lie, and it stinks out loud.
I hear a note of
disapproval in your voice.
Listen harder. It's disgust.
I'm just helping Blair to be
a successful saleswoman.
After all, she is
my best friend.
I thought I was
your best friend.
You're my best younger friend.
Blair's my best older friend.
[Scoffs] What makes you
think Blair is your best friend?
Where have you been?
We're inseparable. She
takes me everywhere.
Sure she does. You're
wearing everything she sells.
Yeah. You're a lot easier to
lug around than a sample case.
I happen to know
Blair is very sincere.
She and I are best friends, and
we're gonna stay that way, okay?
Oh.
Mrs. G., I don't believe it.
Natalie is still upstairs doin' all
kinds of strange things to her face.
I can't look at her
anymore. [Laughs]
That's okay. She's lookin'
at herself enough for all of us.
Well, I know she's
gone a little overboard,
but that's Natalie. [Chuckles]
Oh, come on, girls.
Fess up. Aren't you
even a little excited...
about meeting a celebrity
like the countess today?
Yeah. No.
Well, I can't help it.
She's so glamorous.
In all her magazine pictures it
looks like she smells of orchids.
Orchids make me sick.
Girls, I talked to
Blair, and we agreed...
that we're gonna handle this
whole thing with understated dignity.
She's here! She's
here! I cannot stand it!
The countess's
limousine is outside.
Aw, gee. And we didn't even have a
chance to vacuum the driveway yet.
Now stop it. The countess
is just like you and me.
Well, like me.
Hello, darlings. Hello.
I am looking for Blair Warner.
Countess, at your service.
Don't forget to kiss her ring.
Countess, welcome.
Welcome to Eastland.
Blair, get off your knees.
It's so nice to have you here.
Blair. Jo?
Oh, it's just a
delight to meet you.
I'm so glad to meet you.
I'd like you to meet
Tootie Ramsey. Hello.
[Sniffs] Mmm! You
do smell like orchids.
These are lilies of the
valley. Orchids make me sick.
- [Chortles]
- And this is Jo Polniaczek.
Charmed, I'm sure.
What a natural beauty you
are. Fantastic bone structure.
No kiddin'? [Giggling]
Countess, I'm Blair Warner, your
beauty ambassador at Eastland.
Remember? I'm
thrilled to meet you.
Of course you are.
Please. Please, make
yourself comfortable.
Thank you.
And I am Edna Garrett,
the school nutritionist.
Ah, then you know the
true secret to beauty.
You are what you eat.
That's what I keep tellin'
'em. You are what you eat.
Two good reasons
for not eating zucchini.
No, no, no, darling.
Vegetables make you glow.
If you eat junk,
you look like junk.
Am I right, darling? Right.
Oh, I love the way you say that.
What? Junk?
No. Darling.
Would you please
teach me how to say that?
You can't learn
how to say darling.
You have to be
born with it, darling.
Darling... Uh... [Clears Throat]
Countess, would you
care for a cup of tea?
An herbal mix... no caffeine.
I'd love it. Thank
you very much.
What a beautiful girl you are...
The perfect person
to represent me.
I know.
And you've always
been an inspiration to me.
I know.
Everybody tells me that.
You've married so well.
And so often.
And such interesting men.
Oh, yes. One was a diplomat.
Then a hotel man
and then an actor.
- And the count.
- Oh, the count.
I always forget the count.
But, then, I hardly knew him.
Uh, Countess Calvet, I'd
like you to meet Natalie Green.
I'm thrilled.
And I am speechless.
Oh! Thank you, Countess.
We knew you'd love the results.
What have you done to my makeup?
And what have you done
to this poor little girl's face?
She's helped me fulfill
my beauty potential.
"Fulfill"? She's
drooping of makeup.
I just did what you said. I
made her into a walking billboard.
And it only cost Natalie $87.42.
That's outrageous!
Blair, what were
you trying to do?
I was trying to be a success.
That is wonderful, but makeup must make
you look more natural and more beautiful.
As a matter of fact, I'm just
coming out with a new beauty book...
Twenty-five Easy
Steps to the Natural You.
Wonderful. We'll give away one
free copy with each makeup kit.
No, no, no. I don't believe in
giving away anything for free...
Except advice.
And my advice to you guys
is don't use my makeup.
- What?
- I've got a better idea.
Wait until I come
out with my new line...
just for young girls.
Right on, Countess. I always say
a good diet is the best foundation.
I love that, Mrs. Garrett.
I am going to use it
in my new book. Oh.
Twenty-six Easy Steps
to the Natural You.
It's late. I'm afraid I must go.
You're not staying
for lunch? I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry too.
Blair, darling, don't be sad.
I'm sure anything you're
going to do in your life,
you're going to be a success.
You are so much like me.
Keep up the good
work, Mrs. Garrett.
Darling, you are a darling.
Such lovely eyes.
Oh. Cucumbers.
Naturally.
Well, girls, good-bye.
Stay beautiful... and young.
Oh.
[Chattering]
Boy, she's more
glamorous than a movie star.
Yeah, she's not half bad.
She liked my bone
structure. [Giggling]
She's magnificent.
And she has such integrity.
Not like some people I know.
Yeah. Some people sell you stuff
you don't need and can't afford...
and make you think
you're best friends,
when all some
people really want...
is to make money off of you.
I'm sorry, Natalie.
I guess I did kind
of lead you on.
I was just trying to make good.
Over my victimized body.
Blair, when you climb
up the ladder of success,
just be sure you
don't step on people.
I know that... now.
Forgive me, Natalie.
Why should I?
Oh, you don't want
Blair to grovel, do you?
She wants you to grovel.
[Sighs] Natalie, aren't
you forgetting something?
It's not all Blair's fault.
I knew it. I knew it
couldn't be all my fault.
Well, you were
selling friendship.
But, Natalie, weren't
you trying to buy it?
What do you mean? Every
time you bought something,
you got another chance
to share in Blair's social life.
You got me on that
one, Mrs. Garrett.
It's just kinda hard finding out
that a friend was being friendly...
only because I'm a
beautiful billboard.
No. Honest, Natalie, you're
much more than a billboard.
You are a friend.
And I'm gonna give
you a full refund.
Which I'll then give
back to my mother.
Good idea. [Clicks Tongue]
Well, Blair, there goes your profits.
[Whimpers]
Don't feel badly, Blair. You'll
find other ways to make money.
I don't know. I think I should
stick to what I do best...
Spend money.
[No Audible Dialogue]
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪
♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪
♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪♪