The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 2, Episode 9 - Gossip - full transcript

♪♪ [Humming]

♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪

This will be perfect for our day
at the museums. Don't you think?

Oh, yes, Blair. The Picassos
will be looking at you.

I can't wait to get
back to Manhattan...

Especially Bloomingdale's.

Now, Blair, this is supposed to be a
cultural field trip, not a shopping spree.

I know, I know.

But it's been so long since I've heard the
clickety-click of a credit-card machine.

It's agony going cold-turkey.



Ready for the
Monopoly championship?

I'll let you roll first
this time, Blair.

Not now, Tootie. Too
busy for children's games.

Really, Mrs. Garrett. If I don't spend
some money soon, I'll pull my hair out.

Oh, terrific. We can finally
find out what color the roots are.

Jo!

Here's your Sunday
New York Times.

The world's only
civilized newspaper.

Oh, great, you got the paper.

Can I see the
entertainment section?

Sure, Nancy. You can help plan
our annual weekend of culture.

I already have plans. My boyfriend
Roger is meeting me in New York.

Monopoly, Nancy? I'll start
you with an extra 10,000.

Can't, Tootie. I've got to do
something with this dull hair.

Roger expects it to shine.

Try Turtle Wax.

Doesn't anybody want to play?

Well, I will in a
minute, Tootie.

Hey, guys, I heard some really
hot gossip about our headmaster.

Mr. Harris? What?

He wears a toupee.

Tootie, spreading
gossip isn't very nice.

No kiddin'. A toup?

Everyone knows
Harris wears a rug.

Yeah, that's old news.

You'll have to try
a little harder, kid.

I'm not a kid!

Just 'cause I'm not going on your
dumb, boring, stupid trip to New York!

I don't want to go anyway.

Why can't I go?

Oh, Tootie, we'd love
to have you along.

But this trip is only
for the upper grades.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Natalie. Want to play
Monopoly? Can't, Tootie.

I'm planning my
wardrobe for New York.

You're going too?

I told you, I'm writing an article
for the school paper on the U.N.

They're taking me along.

How do you like
these jeans for the trip?

Very nice.

Yeah. Real sexy.

Pack up, Brooke
Shields. You're through.

Have you seen my new blouse?
I'll try it on for you. [Chattering]

How about some milk and
cookies to ease the pain a bit?

Sure, milk and cookies
for the little baby.

Oh, I know how you feel. Back
home on the farm, I was the youngest.

Sometimes I felt like the
eggs were older than I was.

I'm tired of being treated
like a child around here.

Nobody pays any attention to
me. I wish I could age real fast.

What's the rush? Just think
of all the fun you'd be missing.

I'm missing it already.

Relax. You'll be older
before you know it.

You listen to her. She
speaks from experience.

Forget the milk and
cookies, Mrs. Garrett.

I don't have much of
an appetite right now.

[Sighs] Poor kid.

Uh-oh. I'd better get to town.

I'm getting an eye exam.
I really need new glasses.

Oh, I suppose they're gonna
have to dilate my eyes, huh?

Ooh, I hate it when they put those
cold drops on my warm eyeballs.

[Blair] You've got to swear
you'll keep this a secret.

I shouldn't even be
telling you. [Jo] Then don't.

I wouldn't, but I need something
sneaky done, and you're the best.

Now promise me you won't tell.

Look, where I come from, you squeal
and they ship your tongue to Cleveland.

Great! Now, listen.

Saturday night in New York,
I'm going to sneak out of the hotel.

Big deal.

If Mrs. Garrett comes around,
you have to cover for me.

Why? Where are you gonna be?
At the bank, visiting your money?

Uh, you really don't need to
trouble yourself with the details.

Then I don't need to trouble
myself with a cover for you either.

All right. I'll be
out with Roger.

Roger? Shh!

You mean the Roger that's
going steady with Nancy?

Semi-steady.

He's taking me to
see Baryshnikov.

You'd rip off a friend to
see some leapin' Lithuanian?

Russian, you Neanderthal!

I told Roger,

"That is the rottenest
thing I have ever heard of."

And he said, "What Nancy
doesn't know won't hurt her."

So I said, "Okay, fine."

Well, you guys won't think it's
so fine when Nancy hears about it.

Don't get me wrong.
I am not after Roger.

I'm after Baryshnikov.

Eavesdropping again, Tootie?

Don't sneak up on me
like that. I was just going in.

It usually helps
to open the door.

Um, as I was saying,

Halston really
has a terrific line.

Yeah, I've been out with him.
You can't believe a word he says.

Nancy! Hi!

Something wrong?

I just got off the
phone with Roger.

I could strangle someone.

Whatever for?

We were going to meet in
New York. Now he says he can't.

He's stuck with relatives.

Aww.

Probably some kissin' cousins.

Uh, gee, sorry, Nancy. We'd
really love to hear all about it,

but I promised Jo I'd help
her tune up her motorcycle.

Come on, Jo. Excuse us.

- Too bad, Nancy.
- Sure, Tootie. See you later.

- Why don't you stick around?
- I would, but I've got to
find somebody to talk to.

Thanks.

What I meant was, someone older than
you who's had her guts ripped out by love.

Then I guess you wouldn't be interested
in hearing what I've heard about Roger.

Roger? What about him?

Maybe you'd want to
hear it from someone...

who's had her guts
ripped out by love.

Tootie, what are
you talking about?

Oh, you wouldn't want
to hear it from a kid.

Tootie, have you ever
swallowed one of these?

Well, okay, since
you put it that way.

Roger's got tickets to Baryshnikov
in New York and he's taking Blair.

He what? He's got
tickets to Baryshnikov...

I'll kill him! I'll kill her!

I'll kill myself!

This will not pass unnoticed.

[Door Slams]

Blair is in trouble!

There you are! You... You...

Yes, here I am. Me. Me.

Don't play innocent with me,
you sneaky, slimy man-stealer.

How dare you call me slimy.

You know you're
trying to steal Roger!

Are you crazy? I
wouldn't steal Roger.

I could, but I wouldn't.

Are you denying that you plan to see
Baryshnikov with Roger in New York?

Oh, that.

Well, you know how
I love Baryshnikov.

And he had these
tickets, and I just melted.

Who told you?

A very close friend, El Slimo!

Here, hot stuff.

Maybe this'll cool
you off! [Gasps]

[Screams]

What's the matter with Nancy?

[Whines]

Skip the question.

You louse. You are so low.

How could you?

Is there something you
want to get off your chest?

You blabbed everything
about me and Roger, didn't you?

I told you before.
I don't squeal.

Not much. I should have
known better than to trust you.

Hey. Nobody says
I break my word.

I just said it.

You want to say it again?

No.

I never want to say
anything to you again. Ever!

Is that a promise?

Wait, Tootie. Let
me get this straight.

You mean, Blair is actually
trying to steal Nancy's guy?

I've got to hand it to you. Now
you're dishing up some great dirt.

I try to please.

How about coming up to
our room tonight? Sure, okay.

I just love it when we
women get together. All right!

I'll get your mail,
all right? Okay.

Edna? You okay?

Is that talking
blur you, Howard?

They dilated your
eyes, didn't they?

Did they ever. Whoo!

I feel like Tarzan.

I got here traveling
from tree to tree.

Only instead of swinging
in 'em, I was hugging 'em.

I'd better help
you to your room.

No, thanks. I'm getting pretty
good at the bump-and-find system.

See?

I'll just check the dining
room and then I'll...

You know what I'll... Oh, I'm fine,
Howard. You know what I'll do then?

I'll just sleep it
off. You know?

Ooh! I'm sorry.

Oh, dear.

Mrs. Garrett, are you okay?

Tootie, are those twins you?

One of us is.

Oh, dear. I'd better... I'd better
sit down. I can't see straight.

Who moved the furniture?

Let me help you.
Oh, thanks, hon.

I can't see my hand
in front of my face.

Really? My Uncle
Jerome was like that.

He couldn't see either? No.
Especially on Saturday night.

It's amazing...

what a couple of drops
can do to your vision.

I guess it depends on
how big the drops are.

You want me to get you
something to make you feel better?

Oh, no, thanks, honey.
I'll just sleep it off.

That's really the best cure.

My uncle Jerome says the
best cure is "plop-plop, fizz-fizz."

"Plop-plop, fizz-fizz"?

I couldn't even hit
the glass. [Giggling]

That's a good one, Mrs. Garrett.

[Laughing]

You didn't get any mail,
Tootie. [Laughing Continues]

What's so funny? Nothing.

Come on. You can tell me. Okay.

Mrs. Garrett was just in
here, and she was really funny.

She's always funny.

No, funny like this.

She could hardly walk.

No! Yes!

I guess she didn't have
enough lunch with her wine.

I can't believe Mrs.
Garrett... Oh, my...

[Chattering]

Hey, you guys, listen
to this. Tell 'em, Toot.

She doesn't miss a
thing. It's no big deal.

Mrs. Garrett just came from
town, and she was a little wobbly.

Tootie said she was
loaded to the eyeballs.

Mrs. Garrett? Mrs.
Garrett was loaded?

[Excited Chattering]
Wait a minute!

I didn't say she was
loaded to the eyeballs.

Maybe to the kneecaps.

But this isn't something
that should get around.

Oh, absolutely not.

Who would we tell?

It's all over school?

Why am I the last to know?

I should be the first to
know. I'm the headmaster.

Yes. Yes, Mrs. Garrett is a highly
respected member of our Eastland staff.

But if she has a drinking problem, the
appropriate steps will have to be taken.

Yes. Thank you.

♪♪ [Scatting "How Dry I Am"]

[Knocking]

Entrez-vous.

Mrs. Garrett, do
you have a moment?

Mr. Harris. Sure. Welcome.

Sit down, please, while
I finish misting Gertrude.

♪ How dry I am ♪

♪ How dry I am ♪

Yes, that's a catchy tune.

Isn't it?

That's an interesting
fogger. Hmm.

It was a lot more fun
emptying it the first time.

I'll bet.

Mrs. Garrett, I'm going
to come right to the point.

There's a very ugly rumor
going around this school.

Oh. It got back to you.

Yes. Yes, it did.

Well, I think that folks will forget about
it if we all just ignore it. Don't you?

Mrs. Garrett, this is
a very serious matter.

I understand, Mr. Harris.

It is serious to you.

But no one else is going to
lose any hair... uh, sleep over it.

Well, obviously, I can't let you
take those girls to New York.

Oh, Mr. Harris, good heavens! Who
are the girls gonna tell in New York?

Don't you think you're
overreacting a bit?

Well, that's not the point. I am very
concerned about your drinking problem.

M-My drinking problem?

Good. We've got
it out in the open.

That's a beginning.

That's ridiculous. I may have an occasional
glass of wine with my dinner, but I...

Mrs. Garrett, word of your drunken
spree has spread all over campus.

What is being spread all over the
campus could make the petunias grow.

Mrs. Garrett, do you deny that
yesterday you stumbled into the cafeteria,

knocked over the furniture and
then crawled around on the floor?

I never crawled on the floor.

But the rest...

Mr. Harris, my
eyes were dilated.

I'm sure they were.

I had just come
from the eye doctor.

I couldn't see a thing.

Look, I shouldn't
have to prove it,

but here's my
eyeglasses prescription.

Oh, Mrs. Garrett. [Chuckling]

I don't have to see
that. I believe you.

I never should have doubted
you. I can't apologize enough.

No, you can't.

I don't understand how on earth an
ugly rumor like this got started about you.

I don't either.

The only one who saw me
come back was Howard and...

Tootie.

Oh, is someone in trouble.

[Chattering] I still can't
believe she's a drinker.

She never has anything
stronger than iced tea.

Who said she was a drinker?

You did. I didn't
exactly put it that way.

Look at it this way. Thanks to you, we can
get Mrs. Garrett some professional help.

Yeah, Tootie, someday you'll look
back and say, "This was my finest blab."

Right! [Chattering Continues]

[Gasps] You guys,
shh! Mrs. Garrett!

Tootie, I'd like to
have a word with you.

I bet you want
more than just one.

Shall we go talk in the kitchen?

[Chuckles Weakly]
Near the knives?

Please don't be
mad, Mrs. Garrett.

It got out of hand,
honest. It's not my fault.

And what if my so-called drinking
problem had gotten me fired?

Whose fault would it have been?

All I did was pass
on a little information.

No, no. What you passed
on was some misinformation.

Then why were you
bumping into all the furniture?

Well, if you had asked me
before, you would have known.

I had my eyes dilated
at the doctor's office.

Everything was blurred.

Then you don't have a problem?

Mrs. Garrett, I'm so glad!

And don't you worry. No one can spread
the good news around faster than I can.

That's for sure.

You're still mad? Mm-hmm.

A lot of people are
mad around here.

It must be an epidemic.

What do you mean?

Well, Nancy's
not talking to Blair,

and Blair's not talking to Jo.

She's not? How'd
that one get by me?

Rumor has it that Jo blabbed
some secret about Blair.

But I don't believe
that rumor. Do you?

I think I can
clear it up for you.

[Sighs] Jo didn't blab. I did.

That figures.

It seems like I've been
doing a lot of that lately.

But the older girls are
finally paying attention to me.

Oh, Tootie, they may be playing
attention to you and love all your gossip,

but do you think any one of
'em would ever confide in you...

or trust in you
like a real friend?

I've really messed things
up for the girls, haven't I?

Hmm. What do I do to fix it?

I suggest you go out there
and tell everybody the truth.

How strong a suggestion is that?

Very.

[All Whispering]

What'd she say?

No big deal. If anybody
wants to leave, go right ahead.

I'm sure you're all very busy.

That's what I was afraid of.

I guess you've all noticed
that for the past few days,

I've been head
anchor girl around here.

And it's been heaven.

Tootie, you're
dragging your anchor.

But the bad news is, I
may have gone overboard.

Like, on some of my stories, I
might have exaggerated a little...

Especially about Mrs.
Garrett being drunk.

- Tootie...
- It's okay, Natalie.

She was never drunk at all.

See, what happened was,
she had her eyeballs diluted.

Is that good? Close enough.

Well, that's about it.

Tootie...

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

Blair, you know that secret
you told Jo about Roger?

And it was only
between the two of you?

Well, it was between
the three of us.

You sneaky, rotten
little blabbermouth.

Yeah, I got bad-rapped on
account of you, you little creep!

I'll get you for this.
Not if I get her first.

Gee, they're taking it
better than I thought.

Oh, well, I'm glad
everything's settled.

Whoa, hold it, speedy.
You're not out of the woods yet.

What do you mean?

There's the matter of war reparations
for the damage you have done.

Now, since you insist
on wagging your tongue,

wag it over these.

What are those? Invitations
to the alumni dance.

The envelopes
have to be sealed...

All 1,000 of them.

Just call me Tootie Chap Stick.

Oh, and, Tootie,
don't forget the stamps.

- And, Tootie?
- Yeah?

We're still friends.

Well, I guess I know what I'll be
doing while you guys are in New York.

I'll help you, Tootie.

Yeah, come on. It
shouldn't take that long.

Yeah. Come on.

What the heck.

As they say at the Oscars,
"The envelopes, please."

♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪

♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪

♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪

♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪