The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 2, Episode 5 - Cousin Geri - full transcript
Blair's cousin Geri, a comedian who has Cerebral Palsy, comes to visit.
♪♪
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪
♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
It's not fair. Like they
say, "The rich get richer."
- What's going on?
- Would you believe Blair won
the Fine Arts Festival again?
Third year in a row.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
She's a talented artist.
I can just hear her
acceptance speech.
"I thank you for this award.
And let me say with all humility,
I won it because I'm
better than anybody else."
Where is Blair?
She's right behind us. She
wants to make the grand entrance.
Hello, everybody.
Hello, Mrs. Garrett. Hello.
What's new?
"What's new?"
I understand
congratulations are in order.
Whatever for?
Come on. For winning
the Fine Arts Festival again.
Oh, that.
I used to get excited
about those little awards,
but as I grow
older, I grow wiser.
I grow sicker.
We'll have the victory dinner
in your honor tonight again.
Where is the
prize-winning painting?
Still on display, hopefully providing
an uplifting experience for all.
"Uplifting experience"?
What is it, a painting or a bra?
Maybe it's a painting of a bra.
Girls, please.
Oh, I have some more
good news for you, Blair.
Don't tell me. They want to
hang me in the museum of art.
Yeah, but what will
they do with the painting?
Jo! What can you
expect from someone...
who thinks Picasso
is an ice-cream flavor?
Your mother called while
you were in class. My mom?
Mm-hmm. What did she
want? Is she coming to visit?
Mm-mm. Is she sending
the car so I can visit her?
Maybe she's gonna
send you to visit the car.
You're gonna have
a guest... a cousin.
Mrs. Garrett, I
have lots of cousins.
The South Hampton Warners, hmm, the
Palm Beach Warners, the Boston Warners.
Don't forget the
ones in Hollywood.
The Warner Brothers.
I can't remember
your cousin's name.
It's a boy's name,
but it's a girl cousin.
Your mother said something
about her being a comedienne.
Cousin Geri. That's it.
And she's going to be performing at the
Peekskill Moose Lodge tomorrow night.
Wow! She's in show business?
A professional comedienne?
Well, sort of semiprofessional.
She's working her way up.
Is she funny?
Yeah.
How come you've
never mentioned her?
Boy, if I had a relative in
show business, I'd tell everyone.
Didn't I? Thought I did.
I don't think so. Anyway, I invited her
to come to the big celebration tonight.
Why did you do that?
To be nice?
I suppose she won't
be able to stay very long.
Oh, well, I suggested
that she spend the night.
- Why did you do that?
- To be nice?
Well, actually, it'll
work out perfectly.
You'll have family
here for your big night.
Yeah, sure. What time is
she supposed to get here?
Well, your mother
wasn't exactly sure.
I'd better call and
get the details.
Yeah, I better go
check the rump roast.
Is it just me or is
Blair acting weird?
Yeah, weird even for her.
I'll go clean up
the lounge area.
But that's not your job today.
But why does she
have to come now?
Well, I won the
fine arts title again.
Yeah, and then there's this
celebration tonight, and...
Yes! It's very important to me!
Tootie, do you mind?
I'm on the phone.
No, I don't mind.
Go right ahead.
This call is private,
so vamoose.
I love it when you speak French.
Anyway, Mother, did you
tell Mrs. Garrett about Geri?
You know what I mean about Geri.
You didn't? Well, what am I
gonna do when she gets here?
No, Mother, I am not
suggesting you put up roadblocks.
But why do... Will
you knock it off?
Are you asking me to leave?
You're asking me to leave.
No, Mother, I am not
being unreasonable.
This just isn't a
good time, that's all.
It's so depressing to
watch a rump roast shrink.
What did she say?
Nothing specific, but
Blair's upset all right.
She's throwing
a fit on the phone.
Usually she just
throws the phone.
Tootie, have you been
eavesdropping again?
Mrs. Garrett, bad
habits are hard to break.
- What am I going
to do with you?
- I'm sorry.
Mrs. Garrett. Hmm?
May I help you?
I'm looking for Blair Warner.
- You must be her Cousin Geri.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm Mrs. Garrett.
How do you do? Hi.
Uh, she's on the phone. She'll be
right back. Would you like to sit down?
Thanks anyway, but I
sat all the way up here.
Don't worry, I'm not drunk.
I have cerebral palsy.
When I'm drunk, I
walk perfectly straight.
Hey, it was funny.
Was it supposed to be?
I hope so. It's in
my nightclub act.
Oh, in that case...
See? I had this made.
It says, "I don't have
cerebral palsy. I'm drunk."
It cost me 20 cents a letter.
It would have been a
lot cheaper if I had polio.
Geri, you're here
already. How nice.
Hi, Blair.
Did-Did you have a good...
How-How was your...
C-Can I get you an...
And I thought I talked funny.
Hey, why don't you
introduce Geri to your friends?
Yes, if course. Geri Warner,
this is Natalie
Green. Hi, Geri. Hi.
My mother has a
touch of arthritis.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
You really in show business?
Only part-time. I'm
really a brain surgeon.
Hi, I'm Tootie.
Does cerebral palsy
hurt? You bonehead.
That's Jo. Nice to meet you.
Tootie, cerebral palsy only hurts
when I spill hot coffee on myself.
But it's okay. It never keeps
me awake. I use decaffeinated.
You can make coffee?
Sure. It tastes lousy,
but that's not because
of the cerebral palsy.
Would you like to try
a cup of my coffee?
- It's mountain grown.
- Very nice. Thank you.
Don't thank me
till you've tasted it.
Well, how was the bus ride?
I don't know. I drove.
- A car?
- No, a lemon.
You can drive even
though you're... you're, uh...
Handicapped. Hey, you
can say the word. It's all right.
Hey, it's on all the
parking spaces.
Yeah, I can drive.
How did you get cerebral
palsy? I mean, did you catch it?
- Tootie, please.
- Okay, Geri, here you are.
Thank you.
Tootie, you can't
catch cerebral palsy.
It's not a disease. It's an injury
to the motor part of the brain.
Were you born with it?
Yes, she was! Now will you please stop
bothering Geri with all these questions?
She's exhausted from the trip.
No, I'm not. And questions
don't hurt, ignorance does.
Oh, that's so true.
That is really true.
I learn so much when
I watch Jerry Lewis...
on your telethon every year.
So do I, but, um, that's
muscular dystrophy.
This is cerebral palsy.
Whoops! Sorry.
You'll have to excuse me.
I have some creating to do.
Hey, we're having
fun. Sit down. Relax.
I'd love to, but everyone's expecting my
usual witty but profound acceptance speech.
Mustn't disappoint them.
Blair, your cousin's come
a long way to see you.
Geri's a very creative
person. She understands.
Besides, I'm leaving
her in good hands. Blair!
Gotta run. An
inspiration just hit me.
And I thought I was the
one with bad manners.
Oh, well, she's just anxious
about her acceptance speech...
for the awards dinner tonight.
You are gonna stay
for it, aren't you, Geri?
Um, I don't think I should.
Don't let Blair's crummy
mood ruin dinner.
Yeah. The crummy
dinner will do that by itself.
Gosh, you make it sound
so good, how could I say no?
All right, ladies. Let's go.
I need your assorted
muscles in the kitchen.
There are potatoes to be peeled
and string beans to be unstrung.
Bye, Geri. Howard.
I'd like you to meet Geri. She's
Blair's cousin. She's staying for dinner.
- Well, that's fine.
- Geri's a professional
comedienne.
Yeah, I know. And
I've got a great seat.
Don't brag, Howard.
Oh, no. I meant to the show
Geri's gonna do at the lodge.
I'm a Moose.
And I thought you
were just very tall.
Hey, hey, hey! Now, that's funny. I
got a few zingers you might wanna use.
Uh, thanks, but I don't need
any new material right now.
Oh, wait till you hear these.
You are gonna bust a gut.
One worm says to the
other worm, "I love you."
And he other worm says,
"Don't be silly. I'm your other end."
There's this farm out in
Oklahoma where it gets so windy,
one day a hen laid the
same egg three times.
Uh-huh. I don't do farm
jokes, but thanks anyway.
Well, how about some very, very
clever traveling salesmen stories?
Hey, how about if I help
myself to some more coffee?
Ah, good idea. Why
don't you go in the kitchen?
The girls will show you
where it is. All right. Thanks.
Hey, if you think
of anything funny,
save it till later.
You know, that's a nice girl. Be
nicer if she laughed at my jokes.
Oh, you were really very
funny, Howard. Mm-hmm?
Then how come you
didn't laugh either?
- Is there something wrong,
Edna?
- Yeah. It's Blair.
She's been acting strangely ever
since her Cousin Geri got here.
I think she's embarrassed
by Geri's handicap.
Just having Geri around seems
to make Blair uncomfortable.
Guess what! We just talked Geri into
doing some of her nightclub act for us...
as part of the awards dinner.
This oughta really
make Blair's night special.
Why did she have to come? Why?
But I don't get it. Geri was telling us
you were real buddies when you were kids.
You even did little skits together,
and now you're giving her the brush.
You just wouldn't understand.
I understand that you've done
some not-so-nice things in your time.
But walking out on your cousin...
That was the not-so-nicest.
Can't we just drop it?
You don't think Geri
sees what's going on?
She's got C.P. She's
not blind, you know.
Blair.
What on earth is
the matter with you?
Nothing's the matter. Now why
doesn't everybody just leave me alone?
- But your behavior is so rude.
- See?
I would like you to go downstairs
and spend a little time with your cousin.
I just wanna stay up
here and create, okay?
You're not creating,
you're hiding...
Just burying your
head in the sand.
And what's sticking up is
not exactly your best feature.
I understand that dealing with a
handicapped person is difficult for you.
It is difficult for some people.
Oh, she's just embarrassed, 'cause there's
a Warner out there who isn't perfect.
Jo, please. That's not true.
Jo, I'd like to talk to
Blair alone. Please?
You know, Blair, you are
perfect... perfectly rotten!
Jo! I'm gone, I'm gone.
Blair, I've never
seen you act this way.
All right. So maybe
I was a little rude.
Oh, it's not that. I've seen
you be rude lots of times.
It's this running away.
Please, what do
you want from me?
What I've come to expect...
A person who is mature enough
to wanna deal with her problems.
But with your Cousin Geri, you don't
even want to admit that there is a problem.
Because there is no problem.
But you can't even stay in the
same room with your cousin.
Why don't you admit
you're embarrassed by Geri?
I am not. I've been
around Geri all my life.
And you always
ignore her like this?
Believe me, she gets all
the attention she needs.
She's always the center of attention
at home. You're wrong, Mrs. Garrett.
You're right. I am wrong.
You're not embarrassed by
Geri. You're jealous of her.
I'm not jealous of her.
I gladly turn over the spotlight to
her at home, and she deserves it.
No one can compete
with her kind of courage.
Compete?
You just don't know
what it's like, Mrs. Garrett.
Every year at Thanksgiving, I make
my special dish, and everyone says,
"Oh, Blair's perfect
squash soufflé... again."
Geri pours one glass of wine...
and doesn't spill it on the
tablecloth and everyone applauds.
Geri's out there winning battles,
and all I win are stupid awards.
They're not stupid
awards, Blair.
They are when you compare
them to what Geri's done.
Can't you see? With
her here on my night,
at my school, with my friends,
everything I've worked
for just seems so silly.
Only to you, Blair.
What you've achieved
is so wonderful.
And Geri's being
here can't change that.
No, you're right, Mrs. Garrett.
I am jealous.
It's terrible to feel this way.
Just human.
Uh, Mrs. Garrett, I don't
wanna see anybody right now,
and I don't think I can talk
about it anymore, okay?
Okay, fine.
The decision's up to you.
But I sure hope that you'll
join us for dinner tonight, Blair.
Okay, dinner's over. Can
we start the show now?
I don't think I should
get up there, Natalie.
- Why not?
- Look, it's Blair's party.
I'm here and she's not.
That's gotta tell you something.
Whatever's keeping
Blair away is her hang-up.
Right. Come on, Geri.
We're waiting to see your act.
You promised. Come on. Please?
I don't think so.
Hey, we understand how it is
with you big showbiz celebrities.
We read People magazine.
You'd rather turn on the
razzle-dazzle for a paying audience,
not a bunch of teenage girls.
Right. It's not that.
Why waste your time on a freebie?
Just 'cause we fed you a square meal.
The squarest.
And plan to put a roof
over your head tonight...
so's you won't have to
check in to a cold, lonely hotel.
Who are we to you? We'll
just quietly finish our dinners...
and cry ourselves to sleep.
It'll be such a pity. It's sad we
have to do that. My mascara will run.
Okay. Okay. I'll do anything
to keep you guys quiet.
All right! Yeah! I'll
go tell Mrs. Garrett.
Mrs. Garrett, Geri's ready
to start the show now.
Great. I'll introduce her.
She's gonna introduce you.
Come on. It'll be great.
Uh, girls, girls.
Girls!
Thank you.
Well, now, we have a very, very,
very special treat for you tonight.
Geri Warner, a
professional comedienne,
has generously offered
to perform for us tonight.
And now, he-e-ere's Geri!
Thank you.
Hey, you know, a lot of people
have wondered about my childhood.
Well, I'll be honest with you. I grew
up in a special-education atmosphere...
with physically
handicapped children.
But what people don't realize is that
we were the same as any other kids.
We played baseball, only we'd
have all the wheelchairs on one team...
and all the walkers
on the other team.
We'd have scores
like about 70 to 5.
One game, I even locked all
their brakes and hit a home run.
You know, I used
to be a waitress,
but they didn't like the
way I tossed salads.
Now I work at Shakey's.
Have you noticed that there are no
handicapped people on game shows?
Well, a major network
has taken care of that.
They're creating
two new game shows:
Name That Handicap...
and Bowling For Crutches.
Hey, I shouldn't
joke about that.
Hey, I'm a good bowler.
I've had some high scores.
The only problem was
it was never in my lane.
You know what fascinates
me about being handicapped?
All the facilities there
are for the handicapped.
And what I really love are
those handrails in the johns.
And to think for years
I thought they were
specially made toilets
in case of an earthquake.
You know, I'm gonna
do some stuff right now...
that Blair and I used to do
together when we were kids.
Actually, I've always
wanted to do it alone.
Performing with Blair is like... like
double-dating with Loni Anderson.
But seriously, folks, I wanna
tell ya about a bum and his dog.
Came up to me and he said
he hadn't had a bite in weeks.
So... You bit him.
Everybody likes
to get in the act.
Hit it, partner.
♪ Da da da da da da ♪
♪ Tea for two and two for tea ♪
♪ Me for you and you for me ♪
Hey! I went to a doctor and he told me how
to keep from getting stiff in the joints.
Tell me, how do you keep
from getting stiff in the joints?
I don't go to those joints.
♪ Da da da da da da ♪
♪ Nobody near us
to see us or hear us ♪
♪ No friends or relations
on weekend vacations ♪
Hey! Did you see the
man-eating shark at the aquarium?
No. But I saw a man
eating herring at the deli.
♪ Day will break
and I'll awake ♪
♪ And start to
bake a sugar cake ♪
Hey, did you hear about the girl who
never told her cousin how great she is?
No. Tell me about
the girl who never...
I never told you this before,
but I think you're terrific.
I love you, Blair.
♪ We will raise a family ♪
♪ A boy for you A girl for me ♪
Come on, everybody!
♪ Can't you see how
happy we will be ♪♪
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪
♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪
♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
It's not fair. Like they
say, "The rich get richer."
- What's going on?
- Would you believe Blair won
the Fine Arts Festival again?
Third year in a row.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
She's a talented artist.
I can just hear her
acceptance speech.
"I thank you for this award.
And let me say with all humility,
I won it because I'm
better than anybody else."
Where is Blair?
She's right behind us. She
wants to make the grand entrance.
Hello, everybody.
Hello, Mrs. Garrett. Hello.
What's new?
"What's new?"
I understand
congratulations are in order.
Whatever for?
Come on. For winning
the Fine Arts Festival again.
Oh, that.
I used to get excited
about those little awards,
but as I grow
older, I grow wiser.
I grow sicker.
We'll have the victory dinner
in your honor tonight again.
Where is the
prize-winning painting?
Still on display, hopefully providing
an uplifting experience for all.
"Uplifting experience"?
What is it, a painting or a bra?
Maybe it's a painting of a bra.
Girls, please.
Oh, I have some more
good news for you, Blair.
Don't tell me. They want to
hang me in the museum of art.
Yeah, but what will
they do with the painting?
Jo! What can you
expect from someone...
who thinks Picasso
is an ice-cream flavor?
Your mother called while
you were in class. My mom?
Mm-hmm. What did she
want? Is she coming to visit?
Mm-mm. Is she sending
the car so I can visit her?
Maybe she's gonna
send you to visit the car.
You're gonna have
a guest... a cousin.
Mrs. Garrett, I
have lots of cousins.
The South Hampton Warners, hmm, the
Palm Beach Warners, the Boston Warners.
Don't forget the
ones in Hollywood.
The Warner Brothers.
I can't remember
your cousin's name.
It's a boy's name,
but it's a girl cousin.
Your mother said something
about her being a comedienne.
Cousin Geri. That's it.
And she's going to be performing at the
Peekskill Moose Lodge tomorrow night.
Wow! She's in show business?
A professional comedienne?
Well, sort of semiprofessional.
She's working her way up.
Is she funny?
Yeah.
How come you've
never mentioned her?
Boy, if I had a relative in
show business, I'd tell everyone.
Didn't I? Thought I did.
I don't think so. Anyway, I invited her
to come to the big celebration tonight.
Why did you do that?
To be nice?
I suppose she won't
be able to stay very long.
Oh, well, I suggested
that she spend the night.
- Why did you do that?
- To be nice?
Well, actually, it'll
work out perfectly.
You'll have family
here for your big night.
Yeah, sure. What time is
she supposed to get here?
Well, your mother
wasn't exactly sure.
I'd better call and
get the details.
Yeah, I better go
check the rump roast.
Is it just me or is
Blair acting weird?
Yeah, weird even for her.
I'll go clean up
the lounge area.
But that's not your job today.
But why does she
have to come now?
Well, I won the
fine arts title again.
Yeah, and then there's this
celebration tonight, and...
Yes! It's very important to me!
Tootie, do you mind?
I'm on the phone.
No, I don't mind.
Go right ahead.
This call is private,
so vamoose.
I love it when you speak French.
Anyway, Mother, did you
tell Mrs. Garrett about Geri?
You know what I mean about Geri.
You didn't? Well, what am I
gonna do when she gets here?
No, Mother, I am not
suggesting you put up roadblocks.
But why do... Will
you knock it off?
Are you asking me to leave?
You're asking me to leave.
No, Mother, I am not
being unreasonable.
This just isn't a
good time, that's all.
It's so depressing to
watch a rump roast shrink.
What did she say?
Nothing specific, but
Blair's upset all right.
She's throwing
a fit on the phone.
Usually she just
throws the phone.
Tootie, have you been
eavesdropping again?
Mrs. Garrett, bad
habits are hard to break.
- What am I going
to do with you?
- I'm sorry.
Mrs. Garrett. Hmm?
May I help you?
I'm looking for Blair Warner.
- You must be her Cousin Geri.
- Yeah.
Well, I'm Mrs. Garrett.
How do you do? Hi.
Uh, she's on the phone. She'll be
right back. Would you like to sit down?
Thanks anyway, but I
sat all the way up here.
Don't worry, I'm not drunk.
I have cerebral palsy.
When I'm drunk, I
walk perfectly straight.
Hey, it was funny.
Was it supposed to be?
I hope so. It's in
my nightclub act.
Oh, in that case...
See? I had this made.
It says, "I don't have
cerebral palsy. I'm drunk."
It cost me 20 cents a letter.
It would have been a
lot cheaper if I had polio.
Geri, you're here
already. How nice.
Hi, Blair.
Did-Did you have a good...
How-How was your...
C-Can I get you an...
And I thought I talked funny.
Hey, why don't you
introduce Geri to your friends?
Yes, if course. Geri Warner,
this is Natalie
Green. Hi, Geri. Hi.
My mother has a
touch of arthritis.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
You really in show business?
Only part-time. I'm
really a brain surgeon.
Hi, I'm Tootie.
Does cerebral palsy
hurt? You bonehead.
That's Jo. Nice to meet you.
Tootie, cerebral palsy only hurts
when I spill hot coffee on myself.
But it's okay. It never keeps
me awake. I use decaffeinated.
You can make coffee?
Sure. It tastes lousy,
but that's not because
of the cerebral palsy.
Would you like to try
a cup of my coffee?
- It's mountain grown.
- Very nice. Thank you.
Don't thank me
till you've tasted it.
Well, how was the bus ride?
I don't know. I drove.
- A car?
- No, a lemon.
You can drive even
though you're... you're, uh...
Handicapped. Hey, you
can say the word. It's all right.
Hey, it's on all the
parking spaces.
Yeah, I can drive.
How did you get cerebral
palsy? I mean, did you catch it?
- Tootie, please.
- Okay, Geri, here you are.
Thank you.
Tootie, you can't
catch cerebral palsy.
It's not a disease. It's an injury
to the motor part of the brain.
Were you born with it?
Yes, she was! Now will you please stop
bothering Geri with all these questions?
She's exhausted from the trip.
No, I'm not. And questions
don't hurt, ignorance does.
Oh, that's so true.
That is really true.
I learn so much when
I watch Jerry Lewis...
on your telethon every year.
So do I, but, um, that's
muscular dystrophy.
This is cerebral palsy.
Whoops! Sorry.
You'll have to excuse me.
I have some creating to do.
Hey, we're having
fun. Sit down. Relax.
I'd love to, but everyone's expecting my
usual witty but profound acceptance speech.
Mustn't disappoint them.
Blair, your cousin's come
a long way to see you.
Geri's a very creative
person. She understands.
Besides, I'm leaving
her in good hands. Blair!
Gotta run. An
inspiration just hit me.
And I thought I was the
one with bad manners.
Oh, well, she's just anxious
about her acceptance speech...
for the awards dinner tonight.
You are gonna stay
for it, aren't you, Geri?
Um, I don't think I should.
Don't let Blair's crummy
mood ruin dinner.
Yeah. The crummy
dinner will do that by itself.
Gosh, you make it sound
so good, how could I say no?
All right, ladies. Let's go.
I need your assorted
muscles in the kitchen.
There are potatoes to be peeled
and string beans to be unstrung.
Bye, Geri. Howard.
I'd like you to meet Geri. She's
Blair's cousin. She's staying for dinner.
- Well, that's fine.
- Geri's a professional
comedienne.
Yeah, I know. And
I've got a great seat.
Don't brag, Howard.
Oh, no. I meant to the show
Geri's gonna do at the lodge.
I'm a Moose.
And I thought you
were just very tall.
Hey, hey, hey! Now, that's funny. I
got a few zingers you might wanna use.
Uh, thanks, but I don't need
any new material right now.
Oh, wait till you hear these.
You are gonna bust a gut.
One worm says to the
other worm, "I love you."
And he other worm says,
"Don't be silly. I'm your other end."
There's this farm out in
Oklahoma where it gets so windy,
one day a hen laid the
same egg three times.
Uh-huh. I don't do farm
jokes, but thanks anyway.
Well, how about some very, very
clever traveling salesmen stories?
Hey, how about if I help
myself to some more coffee?
Ah, good idea. Why
don't you go in the kitchen?
The girls will show you
where it is. All right. Thanks.
Hey, if you think
of anything funny,
save it till later.
You know, that's a nice girl. Be
nicer if she laughed at my jokes.
Oh, you were really very
funny, Howard. Mm-hmm?
Then how come you
didn't laugh either?
- Is there something wrong,
Edna?
- Yeah. It's Blair.
She's been acting strangely ever
since her Cousin Geri got here.
I think she's embarrassed
by Geri's handicap.
Just having Geri around seems
to make Blair uncomfortable.
Guess what! We just talked Geri into
doing some of her nightclub act for us...
as part of the awards dinner.
This oughta really
make Blair's night special.
Why did she have to come? Why?
But I don't get it. Geri was telling us
you were real buddies when you were kids.
You even did little skits together,
and now you're giving her the brush.
You just wouldn't understand.
I understand that you've done
some not-so-nice things in your time.
But walking out on your cousin...
That was the not-so-nicest.
Can't we just drop it?
You don't think Geri
sees what's going on?
She's got C.P. She's
not blind, you know.
Blair.
What on earth is
the matter with you?
Nothing's the matter. Now why
doesn't everybody just leave me alone?
- But your behavior is so rude.
- See?
I would like you to go downstairs
and spend a little time with your cousin.
I just wanna stay up
here and create, okay?
You're not creating,
you're hiding...
Just burying your
head in the sand.
And what's sticking up is
not exactly your best feature.
I understand that dealing with a
handicapped person is difficult for you.
It is difficult for some people.
Oh, she's just embarrassed, 'cause there's
a Warner out there who isn't perfect.
Jo, please. That's not true.
Jo, I'd like to talk to
Blair alone. Please?
You know, Blair, you are
perfect... perfectly rotten!
Jo! I'm gone, I'm gone.
Blair, I've never
seen you act this way.
All right. So maybe
I was a little rude.
Oh, it's not that. I've seen
you be rude lots of times.
It's this running away.
Please, what do
you want from me?
What I've come to expect...
A person who is mature enough
to wanna deal with her problems.
But with your Cousin Geri, you don't
even want to admit that there is a problem.
Because there is no problem.
But you can't even stay in the
same room with your cousin.
Why don't you admit
you're embarrassed by Geri?
I am not. I've been
around Geri all my life.
And you always
ignore her like this?
Believe me, she gets all
the attention she needs.
She's always the center of attention
at home. You're wrong, Mrs. Garrett.
You're right. I am wrong.
You're not embarrassed by
Geri. You're jealous of her.
I'm not jealous of her.
I gladly turn over the spotlight to
her at home, and she deserves it.
No one can compete
with her kind of courage.
Compete?
You just don't know
what it's like, Mrs. Garrett.
Every year at Thanksgiving, I make
my special dish, and everyone says,
"Oh, Blair's perfect
squash soufflé... again."
Geri pours one glass of wine...
and doesn't spill it on the
tablecloth and everyone applauds.
Geri's out there winning battles,
and all I win are stupid awards.
They're not stupid
awards, Blair.
They are when you compare
them to what Geri's done.
Can't you see? With
her here on my night,
at my school, with my friends,
everything I've worked
for just seems so silly.
Only to you, Blair.
What you've achieved
is so wonderful.
And Geri's being
here can't change that.
No, you're right, Mrs. Garrett.
I am jealous.
It's terrible to feel this way.
Just human.
Uh, Mrs. Garrett, I don't
wanna see anybody right now,
and I don't think I can talk
about it anymore, okay?
Okay, fine.
The decision's up to you.
But I sure hope that you'll
join us for dinner tonight, Blair.
Okay, dinner's over. Can
we start the show now?
I don't think I should
get up there, Natalie.
- Why not?
- Look, it's Blair's party.
I'm here and she's not.
That's gotta tell you something.
Whatever's keeping
Blair away is her hang-up.
Right. Come on, Geri.
We're waiting to see your act.
You promised. Come on. Please?
I don't think so.
Hey, we understand how it is
with you big showbiz celebrities.
We read People magazine.
You'd rather turn on the
razzle-dazzle for a paying audience,
not a bunch of teenage girls.
Right. It's not that.
Why waste your time on a freebie?
Just 'cause we fed you a square meal.
The squarest.
And plan to put a roof
over your head tonight...
so's you won't have to
check in to a cold, lonely hotel.
Who are we to you? We'll
just quietly finish our dinners...
and cry ourselves to sleep.
It'll be such a pity. It's sad we
have to do that. My mascara will run.
Okay. Okay. I'll do anything
to keep you guys quiet.
All right! Yeah! I'll
go tell Mrs. Garrett.
Mrs. Garrett, Geri's ready
to start the show now.
Great. I'll introduce her.
She's gonna introduce you.
Come on. It'll be great.
Uh, girls, girls.
Girls!
Thank you.
Well, now, we have a very, very,
very special treat for you tonight.
Geri Warner, a
professional comedienne,
has generously offered
to perform for us tonight.
And now, he-e-ere's Geri!
Thank you.
Hey, you know, a lot of people
have wondered about my childhood.
Well, I'll be honest with you. I grew
up in a special-education atmosphere...
with physically
handicapped children.
But what people don't realize is that
we were the same as any other kids.
We played baseball, only we'd
have all the wheelchairs on one team...
and all the walkers
on the other team.
We'd have scores
like about 70 to 5.
One game, I even locked all
their brakes and hit a home run.
You know, I used
to be a waitress,
but they didn't like the
way I tossed salads.
Now I work at Shakey's.
Have you noticed that there are no
handicapped people on game shows?
Well, a major network
has taken care of that.
They're creating
two new game shows:
Name That Handicap...
and Bowling For Crutches.
Hey, I shouldn't
joke about that.
Hey, I'm a good bowler.
I've had some high scores.
The only problem was
it was never in my lane.
You know what fascinates
me about being handicapped?
All the facilities there
are for the handicapped.
And what I really love are
those handrails in the johns.
And to think for years
I thought they were
specially made toilets
in case of an earthquake.
You know, I'm gonna
do some stuff right now...
that Blair and I used to do
together when we were kids.
Actually, I've always
wanted to do it alone.
Performing with Blair is like... like
double-dating with Loni Anderson.
But seriously, folks, I wanna
tell ya about a bum and his dog.
Came up to me and he said
he hadn't had a bite in weeks.
So... You bit him.
Everybody likes
to get in the act.
Hit it, partner.
♪ Da da da da da da ♪
♪ Tea for two and two for tea ♪
♪ Me for you and you for me ♪
Hey! I went to a doctor and he told me how
to keep from getting stiff in the joints.
Tell me, how do you keep
from getting stiff in the joints?
I don't go to those joints.
♪ Da da da da da da ♪
♪ Nobody near us
to see us or hear us ♪
♪ No friends or relations
on weekend vacations ♪
Hey! Did you see the
man-eating shark at the aquarium?
No. But I saw a man
eating herring at the deli.
♪ Day will break
and I'll awake ♪
♪ And start to
bake a sugar cake ♪
Hey, did you hear about the girl who
never told her cousin how great she is?
No. Tell me about
the girl who never...
I never told you this before,
but I think you're terrific.
I love you, Blair.
♪ We will raise a family ♪
♪ A boy for you A girl for me ♪
Come on, everybody!
♪ Can't you see how
happy we will be ♪♪
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪
♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪