The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 2, Episode 2 - The New Girl: Part 2 - full transcript

♪♪

♪ You take the good,
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
got to go and show ♪

♪ You're growing
now, you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never sees ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪



♪ You-ooo-ooo-ooo ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ You're learning
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪

On last weeks show...

Is this where I'm
supposed to check in?

I don't believe this.

You must be... Jo,
the new student.

Fortunately for you,

we don't move in
the same circles

or I could show you which one
of us a real man would go for.



Oh, I'd be easy
to show her, Blair.

At the Chug-a-lug
Barn at the highway.

It's just loaded
with college guys.

We'll sneak out tonight
after dinner, okay?

Okay.

I know it wasn't right,
faking their ID's, but...

That's another offense.

But it's no crime to
sneak away from school.

Of course,

to steal the school
van is a crime.

All right, that's it!

I'm gonna put you all in jail.

And now...

This is all your fault!

You got us into this!

Blow it out your Gucci bag.

Just sit down and cool it, huh?

- This is no big deal.
- No big deal?

We're locked up like
common criminals,

and you say, It's no big deal"?

My life is ruined.

They'll never let me set foot
in Martha's Vineyard again.

My mom's gonna
have a heart attack...

A quadruple bypass.

She'll be in intensive
care for 12 years!

My parents are gonna disown me.

"That little black kid?
No, she ain't ours."

I've got to get out of here.

I can't stand being
closed in like this.

Let me out!

Blair, we've only been
in here for 45 minutes.

Hi.

What are you in here for?

- What's it to you?
- Nothing, nothing!

Just trying to be friendly.

If you gotta know,
robbery and assault.

You... you hit somebody?

Yeah!

Hey, I like that watch.

- What watch?
- I want it.

- But...
- Give back the watch.

You talkin' to me, little girl?

Yeah, blimp.

And if you don't give it back,

you're gonna be
wearin' your face

on the back of your head.

And you're gonna do it, huh?

What do you want
me to move first,

your nose or your ears?

It ain't worth
sweatin' over anyway.

Not for this junk.

Junk?

This watch happens
to come from Tiffany's

and costs $500.

You're brilliant,
Blair, just brilliant.

Five hundred bucks, huh?

You touch that watch
and you're gonna be

sweeping up your
teeth with a broom.

Jo.

Thanks.

Just knock it off, okay?

All right, girls. Everybody out.

As they say in prison
circles, you're "sprung."

Oh...

I think you're supposed to stay.

You're lucky Mr. Harris was
available to get you released.

It's handy to have a headmaster
who plays golf with a judge.

Yeah, really!

Is the door locked?

Yes.

Is it locked real good?

Yes.

So long, turkey!

Thank you so much

for getting us out of
there, Mrs. Garrett.

Yeah, we really appreciate it.

Hold it.

Before you thank me, I
think you better sit down.

I have a few things to say.

First,

the judge put all of
you girls on probation

for six months.

Probation? That's for criminals.

Exactly.

You're also ex-Eastland girls.

"Ex-Eastland girls"?
What do you mean?

Mr. Harris was furious.
You were all expelled.

Expelled?

My mother's a dead person.

She'll never live
through the first bypass.

Mrs. Garrett, this
is our first offense.

Don't we even get
a chance to appeal?

I did a lot of appealing,

and there is a way you can stay.

But I don't know if you'll
agree to the conditions.

Try us.

One:

I would have to
assume full responsibility

for you girls.

I had to promise
Mr. Harris that.

That's fine. You're
a wonderful friend.

Who can save your hides.

What are friends for?

Two:

You wouldn't be living
in the dorm anymore.

You'd be across
the hall from me,

so I can keep my eye on you.

We'll be living
over the cafeteria?

It's not so bad.

At least you'll be
the first to know

what the soup of the day is.

In other words,
we ain't really free.

We're just changing jails.

Well, I didn't say it
was gonna be laughs.

Three:

To pay for the
damage to the van,

you'll all have to
work in the cafeteria

till it's paid off.

That's not necessary,
Mrs. Garrett.

I'm sure my mother will
pay whatever the cost.

Wrong.

I spoke to your mother.

I spoke to all your
mothers and fathers.

I'm definitely up for adoption.

They all agreed with everything.

I'm sure you'll be
hearing from them soon.

Like a letter bomb.

We'll do whatever
you ask, Mrs. Garrett.

Right?

- Right.
- Right.

Hey, don't look at me.

You guys are a
trio, not a quartet.

You really don't care about
anybody but yourself, do you?

You got it, Farrah.

And I didn't come up here
to be a dishwasher either.

That wasn't part of my deal.

It wasn't part of your
deal to fake I.D.'s

and hot-wire cars either.

Look, nobody's
forcing you to do this.

You can go home
right now if you want.

Uh, well, see, my motorcycle
is busted right now and, uh,

I don't have any wheels.

We'll be happy to chip in
and buy you a bus ticket.

As a matter of
fact, I think I'll stay.

All right.

Then you all agree
to the conditions?

Good.

Let's get outta here.

If you think I'm enjoying
this, you're mistaken.

I'm sick about it.

Mrs. Garrett, if it'll
help you feel any better,

we're willing to
forget the punishment.

Move it.

This way, gang.

Ah, if you're lookin'
for a bedtime snack,

hmm, the kitchen's closed.

It is way past the
Twinkie curfew.

Good news, Howard.

You don't have to
look for help anymore.

May I present your new busboys,

dishwashers, floor moppers,

potato peelers, onion slicers,

food servers and
garbage haulers.

Welcome. I always say,

a woman's place
is in the kitchen.

I'll bet his specialty
is chauvinist pig.

Mrs. Garrett,

I've never done
menial work before.

I don't know how
you slice onions or...

Or take out the garbage.

It's not so hard.

With onions, you cry a little.

With garbage, you die a little.

Excuse me.

Um, I know it's
kinda late, but, uh,

I was answering
your ad for a busboy.

You're hired.

Sorry, son.

The position has
just been filled.

We don't mind sharing the work.

Yeah.

He'll wash and we'll watch.

Knock it off, girls.

Hey, no sweat, huh?
Maybe next time.

Bye-bye.

He's gone.

We are really being
punished for our sins.

You know, we could
really use the help.

Between working here
and all our schoolwork,

we'll hardly have
time to breathe.

Or just rest.

I need at least eight
hours sleep a night.

If I'm dreamin' I'm messin'
around with Michael Jackson,

then I need nine.

That reminds me.

Follow me, girls.

I'll show you where
you'll be sleeping.

Thanks a lot, Howard.

Ta-da!

Here you are, girls.

Your new home.

You are kidding,
aren't you, Mrs. Garrett?

I mean, this is... This
is just a joke, right?

Yeah, a little humor to
brighten the situation.

That's what I love
about you, Mrs. Garrett.

No matter how bad things are,
you're always good for a laugh.

She's not laughing.

Most definitely a bad sign.

As I was sayin', your new home.

But ya gotta be kiddin'.
This is a storage room.

Right!

But once you clean it up
and move some furniture in,

it won't make such a bad pad.

But of course, tonight

you'd better use
your sleeping bags.

Where's the bathroom?

Out in the hall between us.

Yeah, we'll have to share.

The five of us?

We'll use the
take-a-number system.

Mrs. Garrett,

I can't live under
these conditions.

I'm not like the other girls.

I haven't had all the
advantages of being poor.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Mrs. Garrett, can
I say something?

What?

I'd like to be bused
to a better room.

Me, too. Aesthetically,
it's the pits.

I just can't sleep
in the same room

- with three other girls.
- Why not?

Just think of it as a
permanent pajama party.

Look, you know,

you don't have to stay here.

You do have a choice.

- We do?
- Yes.

You can consider yourselves
expelled and go home.

You know, this place has
a certain off-beat charm.

I love it. I really love it.

Well, I still think it's a dump.

There's the door. Good-bye!

Okay, okay.

Well, look, girls,

I'm inconveniencing myself, too.

Yesterday I had my own bathroom.

Now I have to be careful
I don't get strangled

by all the panty hose.

And let me remind
you, I really went out

on a limb for you girls.

We know, Mrs. Garrett,
and we appreciate it.

Okay. Now look, like it or not,

if you want to stay at Eastland,

you're gonna
have to work it out.

And you're gonna
have to do it yourselves.

Don't expect any
more help from me.

Good night.

Thanks a lot!

Before you came,
everything was great.

Since you've been here,

we've been thrown in
jail, put on probation,

assigned to hard labor
and stuck in this room.

You've turned our
lives into a nightmare.

We really didn't
need this, you know.

Why don't you all just bug off?

How 'bout if you bug off?

God bless our home.

If God wanted me to
wash all those dishes,

he would have given
me rubber hands.

Every bone in my body hurts.

My arms, my legs,
my back, my nose...

Your nose hurts?

I fell asleep during algebra
and my face hit the desk.

You think you got troubles.

I fell asleep in
gym class today,

and they used me as first base.

The thing I can't
believe is this room.

I tell you, the minute
I get my bike fixed,

I'm gettin' out of here.

Where would you go?

Back to New York.

What's so special in New York?

My boyfriend, that's what.

Everyone has a boyfriend.

Well, mine's the greatest.

And we're really
a thing, you know?

But my mother doesn't
think a girl my age

should get that serious.

So, how does she break it up?

Real easy.

She sends me
here to San Quentin.

That's a cold mama.

See, my mother just
doesn't trust guys in general.

She's a cocktail waitress,

and she gets pinched a lot.

Sounds like a great career.

She had no right to split us up!

Eddie and me love each other.

I'm talkin' real love.

How long have you
been going with this guy?

Three and a half weeks.

A lifetime.

Look, you know in five minutes

if a guy is right for you.

With Eddie, it didn't
even take that long.

See, we were at a
dance... With different dates,

and we happened to look
across the room at each other.

Gee...

it was just like
Saturday Night Fever...

Only it was a Friday.

That's so beautiful.

You know, Jo?

You're not as tough
as you pretend.

I think, deep down,
you're pretty sensitive.

Who are you callin' sensitive?
Just watch your mouth.

What are you so uptight about?

A lotta things. Mainly you.

Me? Why me?

'Cause little by little,

you're movin' into
my space here.

Keep your Saks Fifth
Avenue rags outta my area.

And the next time I find
your shoes on my side,

I'm gonna glue 'em together.

Would you be careful?

Those are very expensive shoes!

Then keep 'em in
a safe-deposit box!

All right, girls. What's
all the shouting about?

Could you tell Mrs. Onassis
here to stay outta my way...

with her face creams
and cologne bottles

and hair sprays?

I tell ya, I walk in
here sometimes,

and I think I'm in a drug store.

I look around for
the checkout stand.

She should talk.

It's not easy sleeping
next to Mr. Goodwrench.

Now, I told you girls to
work it out yourselves,

and I mean it.

So make up your minds to do it.

Like each other.

That's an order!

Well, if it isn't
the Four Stooges.

What fine mess have you
gotten yourselves into today?

Come on. We're closing up.

What do you want?

Oh, I'm on a diet.
Just, uh, one roll.

I've seen you in gym clothes.

You got a lot
more than one roll.

Just serve the food
without the remarks.

- But she started it!
- Never mind.

I don't want to hear
another word out of you.

Is that clear?

Blair, I can't stand to
see you working this hard.

Chained to the kitchen
like a galley slave.

It's so anti-woman.

It's antihuman.

Look at what I
have on my finger.

Ooh, that's a blister.

Really?

I've never seen one before.

Well, try to hang in there.

Look.

- String beans today, Molly?
- I guess.

How are you holdin' up?

It's real rough.

But it's always been a
rough life for my people.

First Miss Jane Pittman, now me.

Okay, Tootie, Natalie,

you can handle
the rest of the line.

Blair, Jo. Would you start
clearing the tables, please?

You okay, Tootie?

My back is out, my
feet are killin' me,

my arms are numb.

But am I unhappy?

Yeah!

Oh, waitress? Oh, waitress?

You can take my dish.

I'm finished.

And the silverware.

Mmm, mmm?

And the glass.

And would you mind
cleaning up around here?

It's a mess.

Oh, you're not a bad worker.

Do you do private parties?

Come on, Margo. Lay off.

But, I'm serious.

I'm planning a party
in a few months,

and I could use
someone like her.

Good help is hard to find.

Well, what do you
say, Jo? Is it a deal?

I mean, I could use
somebody with, uh...

Experience.

You know, it's no surprise
she's such a terrific waitress.

I heard that's what her
mother's been all her life.

You no-good creep!

Wait a minute, Jo.

Don't stoop to her level.

A situation like this

calls for rational,
civilized behavior...

befitting a school
like Eastland,

where dignity is our motto.

What are you doing?

What does it
look like I'm doin'?

I'm gettin' outta here.

Ah, don't let what
Margo said bug you.

It's not that.

That was just the clincher.

A lotta things bug me.

Just being here bugs me.

How are you gonna leave?

Your bike is all taken apart.

I got this.

It'll get me
anywhere I wanna go,

and it doesn't need spark plugs.

But I thought what
happened in the cafeteria

just now would...

I don't know, I thought
we were in this together.

And we're a team?
Us against them?

Yeah.

Well, I'm not
interested in teams.

And if you're expecting pats
on the back for that pie bit,

I just want you to know,
I can take care of myself.

I didn't need any help from you.

Try to be nice to somebody.

I broke a nail for you.

Look, you ought to
be happy I'm going.

There'll be more room.

And you can buy your
hair spray by the gallon.

Come in.

Now, tomorrow
I'd like you girls to...

Am I interrupting anything?

Yeah. My departure.

Oh.

I thought you were getting
used to things around here.

Mrs. Garrett, nothing personal,

but I just don't
happen to like it here.

I'm really sorry
you feel that way.

Why should you care how I feel?

You're not my mother.

I know.

You're not your mother either.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

Well, from what I've heard,

she's had things
pretty rough, too.

A divorce, having to
support the both of you,

jobs she doesn't really like.

But she stuck with it

and managed to
give you the best.

She's not a quitter.

And you're sayin' I am.

You're leaving, aren't you?

Look, I know what
you're tryin' to do,

talkin' about my mother and all.

You're trying to lay
a guilt-trip on me.

Guilt's a terrific
weapon. Why waste it?

I suppose you think you're
gonna shame me into stayin'.

Well, I'm sure trying to.

Well, if I stay...

And I'm not
sayin' that I will...

But if I stay,

it won't be because of
anything that you said.

I'd be doin' it strictly outta
respect for my mother.

Of course.

'Cause...

I happen to think that
she's a very special lady,

and I wouldn't wanna
let her down or anything.

Naturally.

Now, I gotta do a
lotta thinkin' about this.

A lotta thinkin'.

Absolutely.

Okay, I thought
it over. I'll stay.

For now.

I like a girl who can
make up her own mind.

What's goin' on?

What are you doing, Jo?

Will you gimme a break, huh?

A person can't even get a
minute of privacy around here.

Shee!

Good news and bad news, guys.

The bad news is, she
was thinking of leaving.

The good news is,
she changed her mind.

Or is that the bad news?

♪ You'll avoid a
lot of damages ♪

♪ An enjoy the fun of managing ♪

♪ The facts of life,
they shed a lot of light ♪

♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪

♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪

♪ Better get 'em right ♪

♪ Call her late at night ♪

♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hands ♪

♪ All you gotta do
to get you through ♪

♪ Is understand ♪

♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪

♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ Learning the facts of life
Learning the facts of life ♪♪