The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 2, Episode 1 - The New Girl: Part 1 - full transcript
A new student, Jo Polniaczek, arrives at Eastland.
♪♪
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪
♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
Natalie! Tootie!
Boy, did I miss you. Is this where we're
supposed to get our room assignments?
I guess so. How was summer camp?
This oughta answer
that question.
A boy's bathing suit?
I was on a panty raid!
No! Who was in
this when you got it?
Nobody. That
would've spoiled the fun.
Tootie, you still
have a lot to learn.
Natalie! Tootie! My
goodness. Blair! Blair!
Oh, I missed you so much.
Look at you... uglier than ever.
I don't believe what I see:
Blair Warner with
only one suitcase.
What do you mean?
This is just for my makeup.
My wardrobe is
coming later in a truck.
Did you hear about
Mrs. Garrett's new job?
She's been promoted
to school dietitian.
Wow. What an honor...
runnin' the whole "barfeteria."
Arnold! Come back here. Arnold!
You've gotta give the
cook back his lobster.
Nobody's gonna boil my friend
Claude. He's too cute to die.
Cute? With those beady little
eyes and all those wiggly claws?
Mrs. Garrett, you
just insulted my pet.
Claude, I'd cover your ears,
but I don't know where they are.
All right, Arnold.
That's enough. Uh...
Natalie. Blair! Tootie!
Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett!
- Goodness! You've grown!
- You are so thin!
Yeah. What happened
to the other half of you?
I lost 25 big ones.
Whoo!
You look terrific.
How did you lose it?
It's the new inflation diet.
You eat what you can afford.
Hi, Arnold. What are
you doin' up here?
Ah, Tootie. It's about
time you noticed me.
Yeah. Well, school's out for
a couple of days in the city,
so my boyfriend came
up to pay me a visit.
Now, cool it, Mrs. Garrett. Tootie
might get the idea that I'm not available,
which I definitely am.
Uh, would you like to help me
feed my friend Claude? Sure. Okay.
Good. Maybe you can
help me find his mouth.
- What has gotten into Arnold?
- Well, you've had biology. Figure it out.
What on earth's
goin' on out there?
Sounds like The Wild Bunch.
Uh, is this where
I'm supposed to be?
Uh, delivery boys usually
use the rear entrance.
Delivery boy? Gimme a break.
This is where I'm
supposed to check in?
I don't believe this. You don't? I
was gonna ask him to the fall dance.
Ooh!
Hi. I'm Mrs. Garrett,
the school dietitian.
You must be... Jo,
the new student.
- Right. How'd ya know?
- Easy. I've never seen...
a motorcycle parked
in my flower bed before.
Oh. I thought they were weeds.
She must think we're into nostalgia.
She's still wearing flared jeans.
Uh, in a minute, you're
gonna be wearin' flared teeth.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't
punch a total stranger.
Introduce yourselves first.
Hi. I'm Natalie Green, and
I wear flared jeans myself.
In fact, all of my
clothes are flared!
Blair.
Blair Warner. Charmed.
Gloria Vanderbilt.
Oh, hey, your hand's dirty. You better
go have it steam cleaned or somethin'.
Why, you little... Uh, speaking
of dormitory assignments...
- Huh?
- Well, they're up
on the bulletin board.
I thought you'd like to see
who you're rooming with.
I can't even pronounce the one they
put me with. "'Joanne' Pol-nee-ah-zek."
I hope she brings along an
interpreter to help me with that name.
It's "Polniaczek."
You? And I got your
interpreter right here.
Nobody jokes about my name.
You know, they really don't have to.
There's enough laughs in the way you act.
Would you girls care
for a bowl of Meow Mix?
Natalie, show Jo a better place
to park her motorcycle, huh?
Why don't I just
park it on Blair's face?
She's a breath of
fresh air, isn't she?
This must be an unlucky day for Geminis
for me to get stuck with "Cheryl Thug."
Luck had nothing to do with
it. I'm the one who suggested it.
Mrs. Garrett, I thought you
were my friend. How could you?
Because you're very special.
Well? And so is Jo.
Her? Special? At
what, mud wrestling?
She's very bright. Oh, she did
really well on her entrance exams.
That thing's a breeze. I
got a 96 on it. She got a 98.
Jo was doin' really
great in public school,
till her dad left home
a couple of years ago.
That's when her problems began.
Her mother had to work double shifts,
and Jo met a boy who got her into trouble.
Not that kind of trouble.
Truancy... staying out
till all hours, cutting class.
Great, and I get to be
her keeper. Her friend.
Blair, you know, I've always felt that
when someone's got their act together,
they ought to help
someone who doesn't.
Oh, I don't know. I don't
think I can live... Oh, come on.
Blair, she can learn so much from
you. You're so... so warmhearted,
compassionate, sensitive.
Oh, let's face it, Blair. You're
just about perfect in every way.
What can I say?
When you're right, you're right.
Really, I'm sorry I
mashed your flowers. Ah.
Here. You wanna use some of
my electric tape on those daisies?
Oh, no, thanks, honey.
Oh, by the way, they were
marigolds. Right. Marigolds.
What do I know about flowers?
In my neighborhood,
the state flower's asphalt.
Not a bad place ya
got. Well, thank you.
I'd rather even be with you than
with, uh, Blairsy in Snob-o City.
But it's good to
learn to live with new
people. That's what
school life is all about.
But she's not for real.
She's a Barbie doll.
I mean, you wind her up, and
she says, "I love you" to herself.
Don't jump to conclusions about
Blair. You don't even know her.
Hi. Am I interrupting anything?
Oh, no. Come in. Come in.
Um, I have to check
the dinner menu.
Besides, you two roomies must
have millions of things to talk about.
So, I hope you're gonna stay. I'm
sure we'll make great roommates.
So Garrett's been
workin' on ya, huh?
Ah, okay. Mrs. Garrett did
say a few words in passing,
but it was only to remind
me of that Eastland spirit.
And what's that...
"Slumming builds character"?
No. It's "honesty."
Look. I'm not saying you're
my idea of the perfect roommate.
That'd be Prince Charles.
Yeah? Well, you don't win any
popularity contest with me neither.
Good. I see we
agree on something.
Yeah. That, and I'm
wearin' last year's jeans.
I apologize for that remark.
I admit I sometimes do pay a
bit too much attention to fashion.
And me, not enough.
How about it? Wanna try
bunking together for a while?
Well, it wouldn't kill me.
Okay. My jeans are
kinda old and ripped.
What's the difference?
My Jordaches are your Jordaches.
Oh, thanks. You mean, you
don't mind me takin' 'em in?
And this is where me and
Mrs. Garrett bunk together.
Uh, excuse me. This room is taken.
You're gonna have to see the manager.
Hi, Blair. I haven't met
your new roommate.
Let me do the honors. Tootie,
new roommate. Bye-bye.
Oh, Arnold, are you leaving?
Good. Us girls can have some girl talk.
Now, how'd that happen?
Bye, Arnold. It's
been fun seeing you.
You touched my hand.
I'll never wash it again.
That's sweet, Arnold.
No big deal though. I
wasn't gonna wash it anyway.
Later, baby. Willis
told me to say that.
That's mine.
Hi. I'm Tootie. Hi. Jo.
Uh, sorry for spoiling things
with you and your boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Puh-lease.
I'm only helping Arnold
through his delusions of maturity.
So, uh, what do you
do for men around here?
Just in time for the good stuff.
Blair, tell her about Bates
Academy... preppy heaven.
It's our brother school. It's
only a mile away. I'll fix you up.
Gimme a break, huh? I'm talkin'
about men, not high school boys.
These aren't boys.
I happen to be dating a
senior who happens to be 19.
He's slow, but cute.
You're gonna make
the perfect roommate.
I'll take the men, and you
can have their little brothers.
- Oo-oo-ooh!
- Not that this
is worth discussing,
but since we are roommates
and being so frank and honest,
there isn't a man around who wouldn't
prefer a Rolls-Royce to a motorbike.
This is gonna get good!
You know, you are kinda like
a Rolls-Royce hood ornament,
but guys don't dig little
angels dipped in chrome.
Did I lie?
Fortunately for you, we
don't move in the same circles,
or I could show you which one
of us a real man would go for.
Oh, it'd be easy to show her, Blair...
at the Chugalug Bar on the highway.
- It's just loaded
with college guys.
- Perfect.
- Thanks, Tootie.
- Don't mention it.
Listen. I'd go in a minute,
but we can't get into the bar.
We're both underage,
and they ask for I.D.'s.
So? We'll give 'em I.D.'s.
You're not 18.
That I.D. is faked.
Yeah. I do beautiful
work, don't I?
And I always carry a
spare that I can fake for you.
All's I need is a picture. It's
simple. Simple for you, but...
my goodness, which
picture will I use?
This one's nice. I'm smiling
without being too toothy.
Ah, this one's at the height
of my tan. Coconut oil.
No, no, no. This is it. This is it. I'm
wearing sizzling pink Lip Quencher.
I don't know. This one's pretty
marvelous. Maybe... Who cares?
Is it a deal or isn't it?
It's a deal.
Oh, good. Then you
decided to room together?
They're gonna do all
kinds of things together.
Great.
I'm willing to bet that before
long, they'll be double datin'.
Bet, bet!
I think we better be getting
back to the dorm. Oh, so long.
Bye, Mrs. Garrett. Bye-bye.
Wonderful to have
you back. See you later.
Kids. They fight,
but when they
make up, it's worth it.
We'll sneak out tonight
after dinner, okay? Okay.
Yeah. We'll be ready. We?
Would you like to explain that?
Sure. See, "we" is the
first person plural pronoun.
Me and Nat are a "we,"
and we are goin' with you.
Hey, we cannot pass
the two of you for 18.
I know that. We'll spy
through the window.
Yeah, like watching "R" rated
television. My first shot at voyeurism.
Absolutely not.
Now just forget it.
Okay, Blair. It's your decision.
Just remember: Leave me behind,
and you also leave my mouth.
- Would she squeal?
- Are you kidding?
Around here she's known
as Speak Up, America.
- I think we better take 'em.
- That's okay with me.
Wait a minute. I just thought of
something. We can't go through with this.
Why not, Blair? The
Chugalug Bar is five miles away,
and I'm not riding on the
back of your motorbike.
Oh, that's no sweat. I
noticed the van parked outside.
The cafeteria van?
The keys are never in it.
Who needs a key?
Tonight you're gonna get
your first lesson in hot-wirin'.
Hot-wiring? Don't be stupid.
The van already has a heater.
I'm talkin' about touchin' a
couple of ignition wires together.
You mean, steal the van?
Wow. This is gonna be
some kind of semester.
♪♪
The van is fine there.
Would you hurry?
Hurry up. I am hurryin'.
I never walked in
four-inch heels before.
Who told you to wear jeans
with heels anyway? Very tacky.
Boy, there's some cute guys
in there. Send out the leftovers.
I'm ready if you are.
Why don't you go first?
Sure, unless you want to.
No. No, no, no. It's not that. I just...
You know... Will you two stop yakking?
Go in there and get some studs!
♪♪ Hi. Hi.
Hi. Um, I guess you
wanna see our I.D.'s, huh?
Yeah, well, if you
wanna come inside.
Okay. Oh, well. Here's mine.
I didn't take speed reading.
- Wait a minute.
- Why? What's the matter?
I've never seen such a good
picture on an I.D. before. Great tan.
Oh. Thanks. Coconut oil.
♪♪
- Waitress?
- Not bad.
Gorgeous. But I'm afraid
he might be a little old for you.
Are you crazy?
Two brews. One
brew. I'll have a beer.
Hi. I'm Brad. Hi. Blair. Jo.
Well, now, who says the
beautiful ones never travel in pairs?
Hey, Arnold. Why the long face?
I've been here six hours, and I
only spent six minutes with Tootie.
At this rate, I'll be
90 before we get it on.
Well, now, we could have
gone bowling together.
I told you Tootie was gonna be
busy settling in with the other girls.
Hmm. Settling in?
Those girls? Huh.
I'd laugh, but I've made
previous plans to throw up.
What are you talkin' about?
Those girls settlin' in. They're not
even here. Well, where are they?
In the fast lane, enjoying life,
treatin' me like I was a little
kid on a bike path in a kiddie car.
Arnold, slow down and park it.
Now, what's goin' on?
Tootie told me
you knew about it.
- Well, I'll tell you
after I hear it.
- Okay.
I was downstairs in the kitchen
with my lobster friend Claude,
makin' sure the cook
didn't commit thermidor,
when all of a sudden I hear
someone outside messin' with the van.
Messin' with the van?
Who? Tootie and company.
They got the motor
started without a key.
- Hot-wiring?
- You saw it on
the Today show too, huh?
Oh, I don't believe it. They
wouldn't do a thing like... It's gone!
In 60 seconds... give or take 20
minutes of fussing and cussing.
I don't believe it. Did they
say where they were goin'?
It was the strangest
name I ever heard.
It was called the
"Thingamajig" or the "Slugabug."
The Chugalug.
Maybe. That's close.
Watch TV. Watch something happy.
♪♪
So what college you girls from?
It's nowhere near here. You
know, the one up the road.
Ah, different schools,
huh? Well, let me
guess. I'm pretty good
at this sort of thing.
You're easy. 'Ey!
Yeah. Sure. You
got last year's jeans,
that "couldn't be
bothered" hairstyle,
just a touch of punk
in those high heels.
You go to Sarah Lawrence, right?
Oh, really. Right.
For sure. Hmm.
Now, Blair, here... She's
much tougher to figure out.
If you only knew how
many men have told me that.
You got great
makeup, perfect hairdo.
Everything you're wearin'
is straight out of Vogue.
You're in secretarial school.
Secretarial school? Gimme a break.
Then it's beauty college. I'm never
wrong about these things, babe.
Well, you happen to be wrong
this time, you low-class creep.
Blair? Blair, this is not the
way to come on to a guy. Uh-uh.
Have you ever heard
of Warner Textile Mills?
Oh. That's why you're so
sensitive. You're a workin' girl.
So what do you operate...
a loom or somethin'
like that? You jerk.
I own the place!
Uh-oh. That guy's
giving Blair a hard time.
She's freaking. He must have
said something awful. I'm going in.
They won't let you in there.
We'll tell 'em we're
very small Avon Ladies.
Hey! Okay, turkey. What
did you say to our friend?
Tootie, Natalie, get out of
here. Who are these kids?
Uh... Oh! Oh, they're
my little sisters.
- Girls!
- Mrs. Garrett!
Will you tell me
what's goin' on here?
Group sleepwalking?
Blair, I want an explanation.
Well, Mrs. Garrett, we were
just lettin' off some steam.
You know how tough the
first day of school can be...
Getting settled and
meeting new people.
And now comes Miller time!
I don't think so, girls. It's,
uh, time for a full introduction.
Officer Shuler,
Peekskill Police.
- Police?
- Oh, no.
- What blew our cover?
- It was probably
those ridiculous shoes.
Don't blame her, honey.
I was on your case...
the minute you came through
that door with your fake I.D.'s.
Officer. Officer, um, uh, these
girls are from Eastland School.
Now...
you know the nutty things
high school kids can do.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but sometimes a
lesson at this age is just what they need.
Come on, you two. Wait a minute. You
can't just say, "Book 'em," and forget it.
Lady, nobody says, "Book
'em." That's Hawaii Five-O.
They're not criminals. They're
harmless high school kids.
Okay, so they sipped a
little beer. That's an offense.
Oh, I know it wasn't right, faking
their I.D.'s. That's another offense.
But it's no crime to
sneak away from school.
Of course, to steal the
school van is a crime.
They stole the school
van? Borrowed. Borrowed.
Don't put words in my mouth.
By the way, girls,
where is the van?
Don't worry, Mrs. Garrett.
I-I'm sure that wasn't it.
Yeah. We parked it real
carefully right outside.
Hey, that's no street.
That's a one-way alley.
We are in trouble!
Harmless high school girls? Ha!
I gotta take these two in before
they do any more damage.
Come on. Oh, no. Wait a minute.
You can't do that. It's entrapment.
- Leave my friends alone!
- Yeah, creep!
All right. That's it! I'm gonna put
you all in jail. Let's get goin'. Come on.
Get down off of there.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪
♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪
♪ You take the good
You take the bad ♪
♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪
♪ You're growing
Now you know about ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ And suddenly
you're finding out ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪
♪ When you're
learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪
♪ Learning the facts of life ♪♪
Natalie! Tootie!
Boy, did I miss you. Is this where we're
supposed to get our room assignments?
I guess so. How was summer camp?
This oughta answer
that question.
A boy's bathing suit?
I was on a panty raid!
No! Who was in
this when you got it?
Nobody. That
would've spoiled the fun.
Tootie, you still
have a lot to learn.
Natalie! Tootie! My
goodness. Blair! Blair!
Oh, I missed you so much.
Look at you... uglier than ever.
I don't believe what I see:
Blair Warner with
only one suitcase.
What do you mean?
This is just for my makeup.
My wardrobe is
coming later in a truck.
Did you hear about
Mrs. Garrett's new job?
She's been promoted
to school dietitian.
Wow. What an honor...
runnin' the whole "barfeteria."
Arnold! Come back here. Arnold!
You've gotta give the
cook back his lobster.
Nobody's gonna boil my friend
Claude. He's too cute to die.
Cute? With those beady little
eyes and all those wiggly claws?
Mrs. Garrett, you
just insulted my pet.
Claude, I'd cover your ears,
but I don't know where they are.
All right, Arnold.
That's enough. Uh...
Natalie. Blair! Tootie!
Mrs. Garrett! Mrs. Garrett!
- Goodness! You've grown!
- You are so thin!
Yeah. What happened
to the other half of you?
I lost 25 big ones.
Whoo!
You look terrific.
How did you lose it?
It's the new inflation diet.
You eat what you can afford.
Hi, Arnold. What are
you doin' up here?
Ah, Tootie. It's about
time you noticed me.
Yeah. Well, school's out for
a couple of days in the city,
so my boyfriend came
up to pay me a visit.
Now, cool it, Mrs. Garrett. Tootie
might get the idea that I'm not available,
which I definitely am.
Uh, would you like to help me
feed my friend Claude? Sure. Okay.
Good. Maybe you can
help me find his mouth.
- What has gotten into Arnold?
- Well, you've had biology. Figure it out.
What on earth's
goin' on out there?
Sounds like The Wild Bunch.
Uh, is this where
I'm supposed to be?
Uh, delivery boys usually
use the rear entrance.
Delivery boy? Gimme a break.
This is where I'm
supposed to check in?
I don't believe this. You don't? I
was gonna ask him to the fall dance.
Ooh!
Hi. I'm Mrs. Garrett,
the school dietitian.
You must be... Jo,
the new student.
- Right. How'd ya know?
- Easy. I've never seen...
a motorcycle parked
in my flower bed before.
Oh. I thought they were weeds.
She must think we're into nostalgia.
She's still wearing flared jeans.
Uh, in a minute, you're
gonna be wearin' flared teeth.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't
punch a total stranger.
Introduce yourselves first.
Hi. I'm Natalie Green, and
I wear flared jeans myself.
In fact, all of my
clothes are flared!
Blair.
Blair Warner. Charmed.
Gloria Vanderbilt.
Oh, hey, your hand's dirty. You better
go have it steam cleaned or somethin'.
Why, you little... Uh, speaking
of dormitory assignments...
- Huh?
- Well, they're up
on the bulletin board.
I thought you'd like to see
who you're rooming with.
I can't even pronounce the one they
put me with. "'Joanne' Pol-nee-ah-zek."
I hope she brings along an
interpreter to help me with that name.
It's "Polniaczek."
You? And I got your
interpreter right here.
Nobody jokes about my name.
You know, they really don't have to.
There's enough laughs in the way you act.
Would you girls care
for a bowl of Meow Mix?
Natalie, show Jo a better place
to park her motorcycle, huh?
Why don't I just
park it on Blair's face?
She's a breath of
fresh air, isn't she?
This must be an unlucky day for Geminis
for me to get stuck with "Cheryl Thug."
Luck had nothing to do with
it. I'm the one who suggested it.
Mrs. Garrett, I thought you
were my friend. How could you?
Because you're very special.
Well? And so is Jo.
Her? Special? At
what, mud wrestling?
She's very bright. Oh, she did
really well on her entrance exams.
That thing's a breeze. I
got a 96 on it. She got a 98.
Jo was doin' really
great in public school,
till her dad left home
a couple of years ago.
That's when her problems began.
Her mother had to work double shifts,
and Jo met a boy who got her into trouble.
Not that kind of trouble.
Truancy... staying out
till all hours, cutting class.
Great, and I get to be
her keeper. Her friend.
Blair, you know, I've always felt that
when someone's got their act together,
they ought to help
someone who doesn't.
Oh, I don't know. I don't
think I can live... Oh, come on.
Blair, she can learn so much from
you. You're so... so warmhearted,
compassionate, sensitive.
Oh, let's face it, Blair. You're
just about perfect in every way.
What can I say?
When you're right, you're right.
Really, I'm sorry I
mashed your flowers. Ah.
Here. You wanna use some of
my electric tape on those daisies?
Oh, no, thanks, honey.
Oh, by the way, they were
marigolds. Right. Marigolds.
What do I know about flowers?
In my neighborhood,
the state flower's asphalt.
Not a bad place ya
got. Well, thank you.
I'd rather even be with you than
with, uh, Blairsy in Snob-o City.
But it's good to
learn to live with new
people. That's what
school life is all about.
But she's not for real.
She's a Barbie doll.
I mean, you wind her up, and
she says, "I love you" to herself.
Don't jump to conclusions about
Blair. You don't even know her.
Hi. Am I interrupting anything?
Oh, no. Come in. Come in.
Um, I have to check
the dinner menu.
Besides, you two roomies must
have millions of things to talk about.
So, I hope you're gonna stay. I'm
sure we'll make great roommates.
So Garrett's been
workin' on ya, huh?
Ah, okay. Mrs. Garrett did
say a few words in passing,
but it was only to remind
me of that Eastland spirit.
And what's that...
"Slumming builds character"?
No. It's "honesty."
Look. I'm not saying you're
my idea of the perfect roommate.
That'd be Prince Charles.
Yeah? Well, you don't win any
popularity contest with me neither.
Good. I see we
agree on something.
Yeah. That, and I'm
wearin' last year's jeans.
I apologize for that remark.
I admit I sometimes do pay a
bit too much attention to fashion.
And me, not enough.
How about it? Wanna try
bunking together for a while?
Well, it wouldn't kill me.
Okay. My jeans are
kinda old and ripped.
What's the difference?
My Jordaches are your Jordaches.
Oh, thanks. You mean, you
don't mind me takin' 'em in?
And this is where me and
Mrs. Garrett bunk together.
Uh, excuse me. This room is taken.
You're gonna have to see the manager.
Hi, Blair. I haven't met
your new roommate.
Let me do the honors. Tootie,
new roommate. Bye-bye.
Oh, Arnold, are you leaving?
Good. Us girls can have some girl talk.
Now, how'd that happen?
Bye, Arnold. It's
been fun seeing you.
You touched my hand.
I'll never wash it again.
That's sweet, Arnold.
No big deal though. I
wasn't gonna wash it anyway.
Later, baby. Willis
told me to say that.
That's mine.
Hi. I'm Tootie. Hi. Jo.
Uh, sorry for spoiling things
with you and your boyfriend.
Boyfriend? Puh-lease.
I'm only helping Arnold
through his delusions of maturity.
So, uh, what do you
do for men around here?
Just in time for the good stuff.
Blair, tell her about Bates
Academy... preppy heaven.
It's our brother school. It's
only a mile away. I'll fix you up.
Gimme a break, huh? I'm talkin'
about men, not high school boys.
These aren't boys.
I happen to be dating a
senior who happens to be 19.
He's slow, but cute.
You're gonna make
the perfect roommate.
I'll take the men, and you
can have their little brothers.
- Oo-oo-ooh!
- Not that this
is worth discussing,
but since we are roommates
and being so frank and honest,
there isn't a man around who wouldn't
prefer a Rolls-Royce to a motorbike.
This is gonna get good!
You know, you are kinda like
a Rolls-Royce hood ornament,
but guys don't dig little
angels dipped in chrome.
Did I lie?
Fortunately for you, we
don't move in the same circles,
or I could show you which one
of us a real man would go for.
Oh, it'd be easy to show her, Blair...
at the Chugalug Bar on the highway.
- It's just loaded
with college guys.
- Perfect.
- Thanks, Tootie.
- Don't mention it.
Listen. I'd go in a minute,
but we can't get into the bar.
We're both underage,
and they ask for I.D.'s.
So? We'll give 'em I.D.'s.
You're not 18.
That I.D. is faked.
Yeah. I do beautiful
work, don't I?
And I always carry a
spare that I can fake for you.
All's I need is a picture. It's
simple. Simple for you, but...
my goodness, which
picture will I use?
This one's nice. I'm smiling
without being too toothy.
Ah, this one's at the height
of my tan. Coconut oil.
No, no, no. This is it. This is it. I'm
wearing sizzling pink Lip Quencher.
I don't know. This one's pretty
marvelous. Maybe... Who cares?
Is it a deal or isn't it?
It's a deal.
Oh, good. Then you
decided to room together?
They're gonna do all
kinds of things together.
Great.
I'm willing to bet that before
long, they'll be double datin'.
Bet, bet!
I think we better be getting
back to the dorm. Oh, so long.
Bye, Mrs. Garrett. Bye-bye.
Wonderful to have
you back. See you later.
Kids. They fight,
but when they
make up, it's worth it.
We'll sneak out tonight
after dinner, okay? Okay.
Yeah. We'll be ready. We?
Would you like to explain that?
Sure. See, "we" is the
first person plural pronoun.
Me and Nat are a "we,"
and we are goin' with you.
Hey, we cannot pass
the two of you for 18.
I know that. We'll spy
through the window.
Yeah, like watching "R" rated
television. My first shot at voyeurism.
Absolutely not.
Now just forget it.
Okay, Blair. It's your decision.
Just remember: Leave me behind,
and you also leave my mouth.
- Would she squeal?
- Are you kidding?
Around here she's known
as Speak Up, America.
- I think we better take 'em.
- That's okay with me.
Wait a minute. I just thought of
something. We can't go through with this.
Why not, Blair? The
Chugalug Bar is five miles away,
and I'm not riding on the
back of your motorbike.
Oh, that's no sweat. I
noticed the van parked outside.
The cafeteria van?
The keys are never in it.
Who needs a key?
Tonight you're gonna get
your first lesson in hot-wirin'.
Hot-wiring? Don't be stupid.
The van already has a heater.
I'm talkin' about touchin' a
couple of ignition wires together.
You mean, steal the van?
Wow. This is gonna be
some kind of semester.
♪♪
The van is fine there.
Would you hurry?
Hurry up. I am hurryin'.
I never walked in
four-inch heels before.
Who told you to wear jeans
with heels anyway? Very tacky.
Boy, there's some cute guys
in there. Send out the leftovers.
I'm ready if you are.
Why don't you go first?
Sure, unless you want to.
No. No, no, no. It's not that. I just...
You know... Will you two stop yakking?
Go in there and get some studs!
♪♪ Hi. Hi.
Hi. Um, I guess you
wanna see our I.D.'s, huh?
Yeah, well, if you
wanna come inside.
Okay. Oh, well. Here's mine.
I didn't take speed reading.
- Wait a minute.
- Why? What's the matter?
I've never seen such a good
picture on an I.D. before. Great tan.
Oh. Thanks. Coconut oil.
♪♪
- Waitress?
- Not bad.
Gorgeous. But I'm afraid
he might be a little old for you.
Are you crazy?
Two brews. One
brew. I'll have a beer.
Hi. I'm Brad. Hi. Blair. Jo.
Well, now, who says the
beautiful ones never travel in pairs?
Hey, Arnold. Why the long face?
I've been here six hours, and I
only spent six minutes with Tootie.
At this rate, I'll be
90 before we get it on.
Well, now, we could have
gone bowling together.
I told you Tootie was gonna be
busy settling in with the other girls.
Hmm. Settling in?
Those girls? Huh.
I'd laugh, but I've made
previous plans to throw up.
What are you talkin' about?
Those girls settlin' in. They're not
even here. Well, where are they?
In the fast lane, enjoying life,
treatin' me like I was a little
kid on a bike path in a kiddie car.
Arnold, slow down and park it.
Now, what's goin' on?
Tootie told me
you knew about it.
- Well, I'll tell you
after I hear it.
- Okay.
I was downstairs in the kitchen
with my lobster friend Claude,
makin' sure the cook
didn't commit thermidor,
when all of a sudden I hear
someone outside messin' with the van.
Messin' with the van?
Who? Tootie and company.
They got the motor
started without a key.
- Hot-wiring?
- You saw it on
the Today show too, huh?
Oh, I don't believe it. They
wouldn't do a thing like... It's gone!
In 60 seconds... give or take 20
minutes of fussing and cussing.
I don't believe it. Did they
say where they were goin'?
It was the strangest
name I ever heard.
It was called the
"Thingamajig" or the "Slugabug."
The Chugalug.
Maybe. That's close.
Watch TV. Watch something happy.
♪♪
So what college you girls from?
It's nowhere near here. You
know, the one up the road.
Ah, different schools,
huh? Well, let me
guess. I'm pretty good
at this sort of thing.
You're easy. 'Ey!
Yeah. Sure. You
got last year's jeans,
that "couldn't be
bothered" hairstyle,
just a touch of punk
in those high heels.
You go to Sarah Lawrence, right?
Oh, really. Right.
For sure. Hmm.
Now, Blair, here... She's
much tougher to figure out.
If you only knew how
many men have told me that.
You got great
makeup, perfect hairdo.
Everything you're wearin'
is straight out of Vogue.
You're in secretarial school.
Secretarial school? Gimme a break.
Then it's beauty college. I'm never
wrong about these things, babe.
Well, you happen to be wrong
this time, you low-class creep.
Blair? Blair, this is not the
way to come on to a guy. Uh-uh.
Have you ever heard
of Warner Textile Mills?
Oh. That's why you're so
sensitive. You're a workin' girl.
So what do you operate...
a loom or somethin'
like that? You jerk.
I own the place!
Uh-oh. That guy's
giving Blair a hard time.
She's freaking. He must have
said something awful. I'm going in.
They won't let you in there.
We'll tell 'em we're
very small Avon Ladies.
Hey! Okay, turkey. What
did you say to our friend?
Tootie, Natalie, get out of
here. Who are these kids?
Uh... Oh! Oh, they're
my little sisters.
- Girls!
- Mrs. Garrett!
Will you tell me
what's goin' on here?
Group sleepwalking?
Blair, I want an explanation.
Well, Mrs. Garrett, we were
just lettin' off some steam.
You know how tough the
first day of school can be...
Getting settled and
meeting new people.
And now comes Miller time!
I don't think so, girls. It's,
uh, time for a full introduction.
Officer Shuler,
Peekskill Police.
- Police?
- Oh, no.
- What blew our cover?
- It was probably
those ridiculous shoes.
Don't blame her, honey.
I was on your case...
the minute you came through
that door with your fake I.D.'s.
Officer. Officer, um, uh, these
girls are from Eastland School.
Now...
you know the nutty things
high school kids can do.
I'm sorry, ma'am, but sometimes a
lesson at this age is just what they need.
Come on, you two. Wait a minute. You
can't just say, "Book 'em," and forget it.
Lady, nobody says, "Book
'em." That's Hawaii Five-O.
They're not criminals. They're
harmless high school kids.
Okay, so they sipped a
little beer. That's an offense.
Oh, I know it wasn't right, faking
their I.D.'s. That's another offense.
But it's no crime to
sneak away from school.
Of course, to steal the
school van is a crime.
They stole the school
van? Borrowed. Borrowed.
Don't put words in my mouth.
By the way, girls,
where is the van?
Don't worry, Mrs. Garrett.
I-I'm sure that wasn't it.
Yeah. We parked it real
carefully right outside.
Hey, that's no street.
That's a one-way alley.
We are in trouble!
Harmless high school girls? Ha!
I gotta take these two in before
they do any more damage.
Come on. Oh, no. Wait a minute.
You can't do that. It's entrapment.
- Leave my friends alone!
- Yeah, creep!
All right. That's it! I'm gonna put
you all in jail. Let's get goin'. Come on.
Get down off of there.
♪ You'll avoid a lot of damage ♪
♪ And enjoy the
fun of managing ♪
♪ The facts of life
They shed a lotta light ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Better get 'em right
Call her late at night ♪
♪ You got the future in
the palm of your hand ♪
♪ All you gotta do to get
you through is understand ♪
♪ You think you'd
rather do without ♪
♪ You'll never make it
through without the truth ♪
♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪♪