The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 1, Episode 4 - I.Q. - full transcript

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything is all about ♪

♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪



♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪

♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪♪

I've never seen it so quiet.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Forgot. Exam time.

Now I can study for midterms.
I've got my energy food. Right.

Food! Wait, guys! Guys!

Whoa! Watch it!
What are you doing?

That's right, girls. Get
upstairs and start cramming.

And when you finish cramming,
put away the food and start studying.



Mrs. Garrett, would you
like some avocado spread?

Oh, no, thanks, dear. I have
my own avocado spread.

Sue Ann, aren't you coming up?
I need help with this history test.

Nancy, what are you
going to do when your

boyfriend proposes? Call
Sue Ann for the answer?

I can't help it.

When it comes to schoolwork,
Sue Ann is my security blanket.

Come on, Nancy.
We'll study together.

What subject should
we start with first?

Good morning, everybody.

Where is everybody?

Upstairs studying,
Mr. Bradley. Oh.

What are you reading?
How to Fly an Airplane.

You? Why do you
want to learn to fly?

'Cause I'm scared of flying,
and I'm ashamed of myself.

As a kid, I was
absolutely fearless.

When I was nine, I won a bet jumping
off the top of the barn into a pile of hay.

You must have been a fun date.

I was.

Blair. Studying. Bye.

So I took my "trip to
Hong Kong" money...

and signed up
for flying lessons.

And, Mr. Bradley, I'm
having one heck of a time.

I'll bet you are.

I've already logged 20 hours.

And tomorrow I solo. Good luck.

Good morning. Good
morning, Miss Mahoney.

Mr. Bradley, here's a copy of
my history exam for tomorrow.

Ah, yeah. And I
think this is yours.

It was delivered to me by
mistake. Oh! Thank you!

These are the girls' I.Q. scores
from their previous schools.

Oh, I am so proud.

Our girls have the highest I.Q.
of any prep school in the state.

Mr. Bradley, how can you put so
much importance to an intelligence test...

that was taken way
back in grade school?

Mrs. Garrett, if you were in the
education biz, you'd understand.

You see, by fifth grade, every child has
reached his or her permanent I.Q. level.

I'm not going too
fast for you, am I?

It's not that coldhearted, Mrs.
Garrett. It's only a guideline.

And the child never
sees the I.Q. score.

Mr. Bradley!

Tootie! Tootie!

Are you all right? Yeah!

I landed on my soft part.

Miss Tracey's giving
a geometry test...

and she sent me
to find one of you.

- What's the problem?
- She has to go to the bathroom.

I didn't know we were
on the buddy system.

Mr. Bradley, I would
love to be able to help out,

but I've got to get
back to my biology lab.

I've got eight
rabbits in trouble.

I'll be glad to go
for you, Mr. Bradley.

No, you're a little softhearted
to play a watchdog.

I'll do it. But would you
cover the phones in my office?

Glad to.

♪ Off we go into the
wild blue yonder ♪

"Stanford-Binet I.Q. scores."

For everybody in school?

Sure didn't know
she was the smartest.

Or she was the dumbest!

Sue Ann, can you fill me in
on the Louisiana Purchase?

Sure. The Louisiana Territory
was purchased on April 30, 1803.

It cost us almost $16 million.

Wow. That's a lot of money!

They probably just charged it.

I have a secret that none
of us is supposed to know.

What is it, Tootie?

I know who the smartest
girl in the school is.

Wait a minute. That's no secret.
Everyone knows it's Sue Ann.

Oh, well, not
necessarily, Nancy.

Sue Ann's right. It's not her.

See? Didn't I tell you?

Who is the smartest?

Well, it couldn't be me.

I've got too many other
things going for me.

You're right, Blair.
It's not you either.

Oh.

It's Nancy.

No. I'm not the smartest.

Don't be so stupid.
I just told you so.

How do you know all this?

I found a confidential list with all
of our I.Q.'s on it. I wrote 'em down.

Let me see it! Not so fast!

Sheesh!

I'll show you your
scores one at a time.

That's not fair. Why should you
know all our scores and not us?

'Cause I can keep a secret.

Cindy.

All right!

Molly.

Nancy.

And Natalie. You and me
have the same I.Q. score.

I knew we were soul sisters.

Hey, Blair, you want
to see your I.Q.?

Great. My I.Q. is
higher than my weight.

I don't believe it! Sue Ann
has the lowest I.Q. on the list!

May I see it?

Congratulations,
Nancy, on being so smart.

Sue Ann, it's not
that big a deal.

That's easy for you to say.

Sue Ann, don't be upset because
you're the dumbest girl in school.

I have a friend whose brother
has even a lower I.Q. than you.

He got all the way
through junior college,

and now he's the most successful
dog catcher in Paramus, New Jersey.

Thanks. Maybe I can work my way up
to being manager of a lemonade stand.

Sue Ann, you're
being ridiculous.

You've always gotten good grades,
and this isn't going to change anything.

Yeah, and if you need help, to study,
Tootie and I will be glad to tutor you.

It'll cost you.

Hi, girls. Sue Ann,
you're so good at math.

Could you help me
with this flying problem?

Boy, did you come to the
wrong person for help. Sue Ann.

That's real funny,
isn't it, girls?

Sue Ann?

Girls, what's going on here?

What is this?

Uh, it feels like a piece
of paper, Mrs. Garrett.

Tootie.

This couldn't possibly be
the list of I.Q. scores, could it?

No, Mrs. Garrett,
not possibly...

Definitely.

Tootie, is there something you
think you should do about this?

Yeah. Make a break for it.

Okay, let's go to
Mr. Bradley's office.

All right, honey. I'll roll
you down that last mile.

Oh! Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Was I
interrupting your homework?

No. Of course not, Sue Ann.

It's time for a little
maintenance anyway.

For both of us.

Let's taxi over to the bed.

I'm sorry about the way I acted
before, Mrs. Garrett. I was really rude.

No, you weren't.

I heard Tootie's gonna be punished
for peeking at the I.Q. scores.

She sure is.

She's gonna have to write "I shall not
be nosy" 500 times on the blackboard.

That'll keep her busy
for a few minutes.

What's the matter, Sue Ann?

Oh, you're not still worried
about that silly I.Q. stuff, are you?

It's not silly, Mrs. Garrett.

I was the dumbest on the
list, and everybody knows it.

Oh, Sue Ann.

Tomorrow I solo.

I'm gonna be up there
flying all by myself.

If Tootie should suddenly hand me a
low I.Q. score, what do you think I'd say?

You'd say, "Tootie, what
the heck you doin' up here?"

For sure.

Sue Ann, you're
an excellent student.

You always do
beautifully on your exams.

This I.Q. thing... There's nothing
to it. It doesn't mean a thing.

It doesn't if you're at the
top of the list, like Nancy.

And I don't hear
her complaining.

Come on, Nancy.

Don't be so selfish.
Share your brain.

Blair, you're the fifth one that's
come to me, and I can't help you.

I'll be lucky if I
pass this test myself.

Check with Sue Ann.
She knows everything.

When I want help I go
to the best, and that's you.

I don't care what my I.Q. is. I don't
wanna be the smartest girl in school.

You should be proud
to be number one.

I liked it better when
Sue Ann was number

one and everyone went
to her for the answers.

Now everyone's coming to
me, and I can't take the pressure!

Now, Blair, will you
please leave so I can study?

Well! You don't see me getting all upset
when people tell me how gorgeous I am.

Oh, uh, didn't Miss Mahoney
post the exam scores yet?

What are you asking
me for? You've got eyes.

Can't you answer
a simple question?

I mean, you are the
smartest girl in school.

Get off my case, will you?

What are you so uptight about?

A girl with your I.Q. shouldn't have
had any trouble with that simple test.

Are you kidding? I panicked.

I had to guess at half the
answers. I hope I guessed right.

Okay, come off it, will you,
Nancy? We all know you're a brain.

I hate people who pretend
like a test is hard for them...

just so the other people
won't feel so dumb.

If you don't like it,
tough. Okay, Sue Ann?

And I'm sick and tired of hearing
how high my I.Q. is, so just cut it out!

I'd give anything to
have your problem.

You're on top.

How would you like
to know you're gonna

spend the rest of your
life in the basement?

I'd trade with you in a minute.

Show me how, and
you've got a deal.

Sue Ann, I like the
way it used to be.

So do I.

I can't handle being
up there all by myself.

It's pretty miserable
being down here too.

I wish they had
never invented I.Q.'s.

What are you two
looking so intense for?

Hey, exams come and go.
Worry lines stay with you forever.

I wasn't talking about you.

Well, girls, wish me luck. I'm
off to the airfield for my first solo.

And I've got a
beautiful day for it too.

What's the matter with you two?

We took our
midterms this morning.

Well, you always
do great on exams.

I'm sure you did well.

Well, midterms are over.

You can all relax.

You've got nothing to do for the
next three months but study for finals.

Miss Mahoney,
please do me a favor.

Tell these girls they did okay
on their exams so they can relax.

I wish I could.

I even double-checked
your scores.

- We didn't do so hot, huh?
- You failed.

Nancy, you obviously
guessed at half the answers.

I tightened up.
I couldn't think.

And, Sue Ann, I don't
know where your mind was.

You gave answers where
there weren't even questions.

I don't know what to say.

With all this I.Q. fuss, no wonder
you had a rough time taking that test.

Don't worry. Next time...

There won't be a next time, Mrs.
Garrett, because I'm gonna leave Eastland.

- What?
- Who am I kidding?

It's just gonna keep getting
harder, and I'm not up to it.

Nancy, will you help me
talk some sense into her?

I don't think I'd be very
convincing, Mrs. Garrett.

I'm going to leave Eastland too.

♪ Toot-toot, Tootie Good-bye ♪

♪ Toot-toot, Tootie Don't cry ♪

♪ Toot-toot, Tootie Good-bye ♪

♪ Toot-toot, Tootie Don't cry ♪♪

Tootie.

Dittos are not satisfactory.

Dittos don't slice it, huh?

Start over.

Can I help it if I'm
years ahead of my time?

Mr. Bradley, I've been
looking all over for you.

Well, you've found
me. What do you want?

These girls are so upset
with your I.Q. foolishness...

that they're packing
to leave school.

Nancy and Sue Ann?
What's the matter?

- I'm not smart enough
to be at Eastland.
- I can't handle the pressure.

They both flunked the
midterms, thanks to you.

I am sorry the girls
did poorly on their test,

but I don't think we should go
overboard and blame their I.Q.'s.

It would be dishonest to
say that I.Q.'s meant nothing.

And I don't see any great harm
in the girls knowing their scores.

Does that mean I'm free to go?

Make it a round trip, Tootie.

We all can't have
the same I.Q's.

If a girl has a lower score,

then she knows she's gotta push that
much harder to get the same results.

It's simple.

I'm not going too fast
for you, am I, Sue Ann?

See? You're just like the
rest of 'em, Mr. Bradley.

I'm ashamed of my I.Q., and I
hate that everybody knows what it is.

- That's why I'm leaving.
- Me too.

All of a sudden, everyone
expects too much from me.

♪♪

Hello. What's going on here?

We're just having a little
discussion about I.Q.'s.

Yes, the girls are upset.

It all started when everybody knew about
everybody else's I.Q. I'm comforting them.

You're making great progress.

Mr. Bradley,

you know what would be
really comforting to the girls?

If you would share your
I.Q. score with them.

Well, gladly. I'll write away
to my grade school tomorrow.

What? I.Q.'s are so important,
and you don't know yours?

Well, not offhand.

Really? Well, then we're even.

I doubt that.

One score is bound to
be higher than the other.

Or lower.

Anything is possible.

Tell me, Mr. Bradley. Would you be
bothered if my I.Q. were higher than yours?

- Of course not.
- Good.

Let's take our I.Q.
test together, right now.

Well, I'd love to,
but that's impossible.

- The school doesn't have
any I.Q. tests.
- Yes, we do, Mr. Bradley.

They sent a sample I.Q. test with
those scores you sent away for.

Thank you, Miss Mahoney.

Let's get started!

This is usually a written exam.

It'll be harder
taking it orally.

- It's all right with me,
Mr. Bradley.
- Child's play.

Very well. I'll
administer the exam.

Uh, no, Mr. Bradley.
Sit there, please.

An open seat
prevents temptation.

I'm going to read
a set of five words.

I want you to write down the
two that are most similar. Ready?

- Ready.
- Ready.

"Pen. Chicken.
Gold. Rifle. Paper."

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.

Next set. Remember the
two that are most similar.

"Tearing. Melting. Running.
Burning. Canoeing."

Of course!

- Ready?
- Ready?

Pick a pair.

"Singing. Coughing.
Marching. Eating. Sleeping."

They get easier.

Do you mind?

Yes, Mr. Bradley?

Was that, um, singing,
coughing, melting, canoeing?

No, Mr. Bradley.

Melting and canoeing
were from the previous set.

Uh...

Do we have wandering
eyes, Mr. Bradley?

We are now moving to
the vocabulary section.

Write down the meaning of
the following words. "Sudorific."

Ah. I never knew that
word would come in handy.

Mrs. Garrett, I object
to your little murmurings.

I'm trying to take a test here.

Could we continue?

Write down the meaning
of this word: "octillion."

Octillion. Now,
there is a word. Easy.

Don't put down,
"A kind of dance,"

'cause that's a cotillion.

That's all. That's
it. This is over.

It is totally ridiculous. This
test does not mean a thing!

I.Q. tests don't mean a
thing, huh? Interesting theory.

Well, I was under pressure. This
is not a normal testing situation.

Okay, I choked.

You may be right. It is possible for
people to do poorly on an I.Q. test...

Even those of us who
are exceptionally gifted.

You see, girls? I hope
you were really listening.

You can't live life
by the numbers.

And that's all
an I.Q. really is.

I have to admit it.
You might be right.

Especially after this.

In all the years that
they have given I.Q. tests,

no one has really been able to
prove that a high or low I.Q. score...

has anything to do with
what a person can accomplish.

There you go.

Girls, what really counts is
how you use your abilities...

and how hard you try.

Isn't that right, Mr. Bradley?

Or are we going
too fast for you?

What?

Oh, of course not.

Okay, Mrs. Garrett. You're
finally getting through, even to me.

Me too. Maybe I could take the test
over and do as badly as Mr. Bradley.

Don't expect to equal this, unless you're
willing to go without sleep for weeks.

Well, Mrs. Garrett, if it'll
make anybody feel any better,

you can post that test
on your bulletin board.

I'd like to have another chance at
that test under normal conditions.

Great idea.

And I assume the girls
could take their midterms

exam over again,
under normal conditions?

Oh, yeah, could we?
Please? Oh, really?

Wonderful. I'm
glad we thought of it.

Miss Mahoney,
you'll do the honors?

Girls, it would be my
pleasure. See me at 3:00.

Gotta fly.

Gotta fly.

Fly? I'm late for
my flying test.

I gotta take off...
all by myself.

Oh, that's right.

Nancy, if Mrs. Garrett has the
courage to fly a plane all by herself,

we should be able to retake
that history test with no problem.

Yeah, we'll ace it. Right.

Thanks, girls.
You've inspired me.

Watch out, Red Baron.

Here I come!

Oh, dear. Oh. Bye-bye!

I bet this time I'll get a 95 on
the test. And I bet I'll get a 96.

Oh, great. Things
are back to normal.

- Will you help me study?
- Sure. Come on.

♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪

♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪

♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪

♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪

♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪

♪ What everything
is all about ♪♪