The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 1, Episode 5 - Overachieving - full transcript
Tootie's father visits the school and gets the impression that it is a bad influence on her.
♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪
♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ What everything is all about ♪
♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪
♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
Perfect. Yes.
Blair, how much longer
is this gonna take?
No, no, no, no!
Don't move, Sue Ann.
I'm not painting by the numbers.
I'm sorry, Blair, but I've been
standing here for an hour, and am I beat.
Sue Ann, if you
don't stand still,
I'm gonna paint
you flat-chested.
Cute, Blair.
I'll bet if you put
your heads together,
we could get channel 13.
Oh. Oh. Say.
All right, Blair.
You've really caught the action.
Thanks, Mrs. Garrett.
I'm gonna hang
it for Career Day.
I call it The End.
And he's sure got a cute one.
Mrs. Garrett.
- Mrs. Garrett.
- Yes, Molly.
Here's Mr. Bradley's
list of the speakers
with the subjects
they'll be talking about.
Can you tune my guitar again?
Oh, sure, honey.
Let's see here.
♪ ♪ My dog has ♪
♪ Flea... flea... flea... ♪
♪ Flee-ee-eas ♪
♪ Here you are, dear.
Thanks. You can do everything.
Naturally.
Say, this is quite an
impressive lineup of speakers.
A doctor, an
architect... Natalie!
I see your sister's gonna talk
about her exciting
career as a stewardess.
It sure is exciting.
She's got two
first-class boyfriends
and another one in coach.
And, Tootie, your
father's gonna to talk
about a career for women in law.
Your mother's a
lawyer, too, isn't she?
Yeah. She had to
stay in Washington
to defend some crooks.
In or out of the government?
Natalie, will you hurry up?
I got to look good for Daddy.
Well, what's the rush?
Career Day isn't until tomorrow.
Daddy's coming up early
'cause he's never seen Eastland.
He's also never seen
me since I became...
a sex symbol.
- Hello, there!
- Hello, Mr. Bradley.
Come on in, Mr. Ramsey.
- Daddy!
- Tootie!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Come here, girl.
Mmm!
Ooh, gracious.
Can we try that again
without the goop?
But you'll see my wrinkles.
Oh, it's okay.
You're aging beautifully...
for a woman your age.
Daddy, meet my friends.
- Cindy.
- Hi.
- Molly.
- Hello.
Natalie.
And this is Mrs. Garrett,
- our housemother.
- My pleasure.
- Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Ramsey?
- Fine.
Mrs. Garrett was teaching
me all the inside tips
for when I go to beauty school.
Beauty school?
We're really anxious to
hear your Career Day talk.
It must be exciting being
legal adviser to two presidents.
Yeah, you get to meet
new people every four years.
If they last that long.
Girls, this is "Rifle" Ramsey,
All-American quarterback at
Syracuse and Phi Beta Kappa.
All right!
Maybe later we can
talk a little football.
I was a pretty fair receiver
myself at Allegheny Teachers.
They used to call
me "Crazy Legs."
Yes, I can believe that.
Well, "Crazy Legs,"
what I'd really
like to talk about
is how my lovely
daughter is doing in school.
And just maybe I can find out
why you passed
up that opportunity
to take speed-reading.
It went by too fast.
Anyhow, Mrs. Garrett
was teaching me something
really important...
How to Juliette my nails.
Oh, that keeps the
nails from breaking.
Every good
manicurist knows that.
That's quite an
accomplishment, I suppose.
All right, girls.
Let's get to work on
those Career Day essays.
Daddy, you're gonna be even
prouder of me than you think.
What I'm learning
from Mrs. Garrett
will get me into any
beauty school I want.
Hmm. I see Mrs. Garrett
hasn't been neglecting you.
Uh, young lady, I'd like to
talk to you about your goals.
In a minute, Daddy.
Right now, my goal is
to look like Diana Ross.
Gotta skate.
She is really something.
Isn't she?
Not yet.
But I'd like her to
become something.
May we discuss her
academic program?
Well, it's been a real pleasure
meeting you, Mr. Ramsey.
I'd better go help her.
She's my girl.
Gotta skate.
Does, uh, Mrs. Garrett have
much influence on Tootie?
Oh, you bet. Mrs. Garrett says,
"Jump," Tootie says, "How high?"
She doesn't say it very often.
Mr. Bradley, we sent
Tootie to Eastland
to prepare for college,
not beauty school.
I know that.
Well, she's not gonna get there
by having your
housekeeper as a role model.
Oh, Mrs. Garrett isn't a
housekeeper, she's a housemother.
What's the difference?
She's a domestic.
And I know all about domestics.
My mother worked as a
chambermaid in a hotel
to help put me through college.
Well, fortunately, today
Tootie's opportunities
are unlimited.
Well, let's keep
them that way, hmm?
- I hear what you're saying.
- No, you don't.
What I'm saying is,
Mrs. Garrett's taking
Tootie's mind off
worthwhile goals
so all she cares about
are superficial ones.
I want it stopped.
So I would appreciate it if
you would tell Mrs. Garrett
to stay away from my daughter.
There you are,
dearie. All finished.
Blair, do you think it's me?
Settle for it, Sue Ann.
She's a beautician,
not The Miracle Worker.
Okay, girls.
One cupcake to a customer,
and you can help
yourself to cocoa.
Have you all
finished your essays?
I'm going to be a
psychiatrist in Hollywood.
Dr. Nancy Olson,
shrink to the stars.
Smart. That's a great way
to get a man on a couch.
Sue Ann.
Well, I have my
future all mapped out.
After my one-woman exhibit
at the Museum of Modern Art
and my Oscar-winning
performance as an actress,
I guess I'll just settle down
and marry the president
of General Motors.
- That'll never happen, Blair.
- And why not?
'Cause I'm gonna be the
president of General Motors.
She got you on that one, Blair.
Well, I'm headed for a
career as a marine biologist.
I've always been
interested in fish.
And surfers, Sue Ann?
"With muscular, suntanned bodies
and golden-blond hair."
Tootie, you've been
reading my diary again.
Well, I told you
to keep it locked.
I'm weak.
Come in.
- Mrs. Garrett?
- Mr. Bradley, come in.
Come in.
Troops are all here, huh?
Ready for Career Day, girls?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Uh-huh.
Yes. I've decided I'm gonna be
the Joan Baez of the '80s.
Listen.
♪ The skies are junky
The lakes are chunky ♪
♪ The oceans are gunky
I feel like a lab monkey ♪
♪ Stop grossing up
America You turkeys ♪
Wonderful, Molly.
Tootie, have you decided
what you want to be
when you graduate from
Eastland and go to college?
Oh, I'm not going to
college, Mr. Bradley.
- Right, Nat?
- Right.
- You're not?
- No.
We're both gonna
study with Vidal Sassoon
to learn "Advanced Sassooning."
It's all in my essay.
We're gonna open up a
beauty salon and call it...
"Toot 'n' Nat's."
Or we might call
it "Nat 'n' Toot's."
Uh, listen, girls.
I've got to discuss next
week's menu with Mrs. Garrett.
Oh, and, Mr. Bradley,
if you plan to put some
kind of chemical in our food
to make us lose interest
in boys, well, it won't work.
Next week's menu, huh?
All right, Mr. Bradley.
Tell me, what's on your mind?
Well, this isn't
easy, ahem, Edna.
Mr. Ramsey is very
upset with the way that, uh,
Tootie's interests
are developing,
and he blames someone she
spends a lot of her time with.
And, uh, he doesn't
want her to associate
with that person anymore.
Really?
- Not Natalie?
- No.
Well, who is it?
Edna,
you're doing a wonderful
job around here.
- Molly?
- No one has your
delicate touch with cocoa.
- Not Cindy?
- There's none of that yucky
stuff floating at the top.
Well, it couldn't be
Blair, Sue Ann or Nancy.
Ordinarily, I never drink cocoa.
There's no one left.
Yes, there is.
Unless it's me.
Good morning, Mrs. Garrett!
Good morning, Tootie.
Daddy's picking
me up for breakfast.
- Is he here yet?
- I haven't seen him.
Good. That means
there'll be time
for you to teach me how
to pluck my eyebrows.
Not today, dear.
But if I do it myself, I'm
gonna look like Mr. Spock.
No, I'm sorry.
I always thought you got a kick
out of showing me how to do things.
Oh, I do, dear. Believe me.
But I... I just can't.
Sorry.
Then how do I learn
how to do my eyebrows?
By plucking a chicken?
Sheesh.
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
- Hi, Tootie.
- Hello.
What's bothering Tootie?
- Someone put glue
in her wheels?
- Guess so.
Oh, Blair, aren't you
gonna tell Mrs. Garrett
- about your new painting?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to paint a male
model who will be totally naked.
Oh, that's nice, dear.
No, no, no.
You see, you were supposed
to say, "In the nude?"
- And then I say,
"Yeah, it's a horse."
- It cracked me up!
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
It's really very funny.
A horse. I get it!
What's wrong, Mrs. Garrett?
It has something to do
with Tootie, doesn't it?
I can't lie.
Mr. Ramsey doesn't want me to
spend any more time with Tootie.
- Oh, no.
- You're kidding.
He thinks I'm a bad
influence on her.
- Oh, I can't
believe that.
- That's ridiculous.
You're right.
That is ridiculous, isn't it?
- Yes!
- Oh, what am I moping around for?
I'm gonna give
old "Rifle" Ramsey
a couple of shots of
Garrett gunpowder.
Huh? - Behind you.
Over there.
Mr. Ramsey.
You didn't happen to hear
what I just said, did you?
- I'm afraid I did.
- Well... Good.
- Girls.
- Oh, right. Come on, Blair.
Mr. Ramsey.
I think it's time
we cleared the air.
What's this about your not wanting
me to spend time with Tootie?
I did say that,
yes, Mrs. Garrett.
And I want to apologize.
You're not the problem here.
Well, I'm glad you realize that.
You're just the symptom.
Since yesterday, I've made some
pretty thorough evaluations of Eastland
and what it has to offer Tootie.
Then I had the pleasure
of reading her career essay
entitled, "My Future
In Fingernails."
- But that essay is...
- Now, please, Mrs. Garrett.
I've made up my mind.
After my Career Day talk,
I'm taking Tootie
out of Eastland.
Nancy, stop helping me.
Are you trying to
rush me out of here?
Oh, sorry, Tootie.
I'm just a neatness freak.
When I'm sad, I
straighten things.
If it'll help you, you
can make my bed.
Tootie, is it true?
Your dad's pulling
you out of school?
Yeah, in a couple
of hours, it'll be
Toot, Toot, Tootie, good-bye.
How can your dad take
you out of Eastland?
This dump is a great school!
Daddy says he's concerned
I'm not reaching
my potential here.
It's so much simpler when
your parents are divorced.
They just send the
money and smile a lot.
Daddy says I'm not
pushing hard enough.
I'm not motivated.
He says, "Tootie,
you've got the potential
to be a young
Margaret Thatcher."
- Who's Margaret Thatcher?
- That's what I asked.
Huh! Big mistake.
Everyone knows who
Margaret Thatcher is.
She's one of the 10
worst-dressed women in the world.
She's the prime
minister of England.
Oh, that, too. Hmm!
Tootie, what school is
your dad gonna put you in?
Some school in Washington
where the kids of
foreign diplomats go.
I bet my class
picture's gonna look like
a UNICEF poster.
Well, I guess this means the end
of "Nat 'n' Toot's Beauty Shop," huh?
No way! We're still gonna
have our beauty shop.
It's just that Daddy wants me to become
president of the United States first.
Tootie, I want you to have
this to remember me by.
Oh, Nat!
The wig your mom
gave us to practice on.
Gee, what a friend.
You know, I always wanted
to know what it was like
to be a blonde.
You look just like
Suzanne Somers.
Yeah, another blonde
with black roots.
I'll only wear it on
special occasions.
All right. Come on now, girls.
It's almost time for
Career Day talks.
Mrs. Garrett,
you're a good talker.
Can't you convince
Tootie's father to let her stay?
Oh, at this point, I'm the
last person he'd listen to.
Nancy, where you been?
Don't you know that Tootie's
father doesn't like this school
because Mrs. Garrett's the
reason why Tootie's such a dummy?
Whoever thought my own
daddy could be so mean?
Oh, no, Tootie. That's not true.
Try and understand your father.
My goodness, he's worked awfully
hard to get you where you are.
Then why is he taking
me out of Eastland
when he knows I love it here?
Mrs. Garrett, I'm
really gonna miss you.
Oh, sweetie, I'm
gonna miss you, too.
Oh! Just listen to us.
Just listen to us!
Are we gonna give
Tootie up without a fight?
You're right.
Hey, I got an idea!
We'll chain Tootie
to the front gate,
just like Jon Voight
in Coming Home.
I got it. I got it.
First, we'll go downstairs and
convince Tootie's father to let her stay
by using something
he respects... our brains.
Brains? We are in trouble.
Not that you girls aren't smart,
but Daddy's the best.
I mean, he's argued cases in
all the highest courts of the land,
even in front of the Supremes.
And law firms all over the
country are opening their doors
to female lawyers who have made
top grades at the top law schools,
but they only have
room for those of you
who are willing to
apply yourselves.
Remember my analogy: a
law career is like an old jalopy.
If you really want it to work,
you've got to get
behind it and push!
Thank you very much.
Wonderful. Wonderful,
Mr. Ramsey. Now...
Now we'll open the
floor to questions.
And, girls, nothing personal
like what you asked
Natalie's sister.
- Blair.
- Mr. Ramsey,
isn't it illegal to yank a child
out of school against her will?
Not to my knowledge.
Young lady?
If she loves that school,
isn't it alienation
of affection?
Now, hold it, girls. I know
what you're driving at.
But this is not the time or the
place to discuss Tootie's situation.
But, Mr. Bradley, we
have to discuss it now!
Yeah, Mr. Bradley. In
10 minutes, I'm gone!
So, how about it, Daddy?
Can we get on my case?
Sure. I can handle a forum.
Fire away.
Can I talk? I've
got plenty to say.
No, Natalie.
Now, I know you're
gonna tell Mr. Ramsey
what a wonderful and
loyal friend Tootle is,
but we've got to
stick to the facts.
Right, we can't
stoop to emotions,
like how much we love her.
And how generous she
is with her care packages.
And how she makes us laugh.
I won't say any of those things.
- Molly?
- Mr. Ramsey, I'd like
to present exhibit A,
which is Tootie's grades that I
got from Mrs. Packer's front office,
who is always truthful, even though
her dentures do wobble when she talks.
"A, A, B, A.
Cooperative, enthusiastic,
talks too much"...
Uh-oh.
But that's in gym,
so it doesn't count.
Well, thank you very
much, Molly. I, uh...
I know that Tootie's
grades are very good
and I also know that
she talks quite a bit.
Mr. Ramsey, Eastland's
a terrific place to learn.
You won't find a
tougher school anywhere.
Yeah, if one existed, my
mom would've found it.
Look, girls, I truly appreciate
how you feel about Tootie,
but I still don't think that Eastland
offers the challenge that she needs.
Hold it, Mr. Ramsey.
I think I've got to
call you on that.
Uh-oh.
Now, up until now,
I've been rather intimidated
by what you've accomplished.
Well, we've accomplished
a lot here at Eastland, too.
This is not a school
for rich, spoiled girls.
Why is everybody looking at me?
I think Eastland offers exactly the
kind of challenge that Tootie needs.
Our teachers are ranked
highest in the state.
We've got a 90%
college placement.
Our graduates represent a
wide variety of professions
throughout the whole country.
- Right!
- Yeah!
Mr. Bradley, I truly appreciate
what you've said, too,
but I must stand by my decision.
Tootie, are you all packed?
Guess we didn't convince
the jury, huh, Mrs. Garrett?
You did just fine, Blair.
Mr. Ramsey, before you leave,
may I see you and Tootie
for a moment in my chambers?
Of course, Mrs. Garrett.
If I'm not out in five minutes,
raffle off my skates.
Mr. Ramsey, I'm sure you
know a lot about education,
but are you sure you know so very
much about what young girls think?
When I was Tootie's age, I
wanted to be, oh, so many things...
A ballerina, a
scientist, a jockey.
Fortunately for the
horse, I changed my mind.
But changing your
mind is par for the course
when you're 12 years old.
Yes, Mrs. Garrett.
- I understand
what you are saying.
- Please, I'm on a roll.
Mr. Ramsey, fess up.
Didn't you have a dream or
two when you were 12 years old?
- Hmm?
- No, I wasn't dreaming.
I was preparing for a
serious and meaningful future.
Uh, Daddy, aren't
you forgetting about
"Buffalo" Ramsey?
"Buffalo" Ramsey?
Oh, yeah. Grandma's got
photo albums full of ol' "Buffalo"
with boots on,
twirling his rope.
She says Daddy
used to roll in the dust
just to look like a real cowboy.
Mr. Ramsey, if you
leave her here with us,
I can promise you she'll end
up with a career she loves.
Let us help her with
her first few steps.
Please?
Let her stay.
Well, I must admit
I'm weakening.
And everybody loves
you so much here.
Oh, yeah, I'm a lot of fun...
When I'm not being
serious and meaningful.
- Nancy!
- Oh, okay.
Nancy, they are having
a private conversation!
- You can't
eavesdrop like that.
- Of course not.
This is the way to eavesdrop.
- Hi. - Guess what. I'm staying!
♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best investigate ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪
♪ You ♪
know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪
♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ What everything is all about ♪
♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪
♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
Perfect. Yes.
Blair, how much longer
is this gonna take?
No, no, no, no!
Don't move, Sue Ann.
I'm not painting by the numbers.
I'm sorry, Blair, but I've been
standing here for an hour, and am I beat.
Sue Ann, if you
don't stand still,
I'm gonna paint
you flat-chested.
Cute, Blair.
I'll bet if you put
your heads together,
we could get channel 13.
Oh. Oh. Say.
All right, Blair.
You've really caught the action.
Thanks, Mrs. Garrett.
I'm gonna hang
it for Career Day.
I call it The End.
And he's sure got a cute one.
Mrs. Garrett.
- Mrs. Garrett.
- Yes, Molly.
Here's Mr. Bradley's
list of the speakers
with the subjects
they'll be talking about.
Can you tune my guitar again?
Oh, sure, honey.
Let's see here.
♪ ♪ My dog has ♪
♪ Flea... flea... flea... ♪
♪ Flee-ee-eas ♪
♪ Here you are, dear.
Thanks. You can do everything.
Naturally.
Say, this is quite an
impressive lineup of speakers.
A doctor, an
architect... Natalie!
I see your sister's gonna talk
about her exciting
career as a stewardess.
It sure is exciting.
She's got two
first-class boyfriends
and another one in coach.
And, Tootie, your
father's gonna to talk
about a career for women in law.
Your mother's a
lawyer, too, isn't she?
Yeah. She had to
stay in Washington
to defend some crooks.
In or out of the government?
Natalie, will you hurry up?
I got to look good for Daddy.
Well, what's the rush?
Career Day isn't until tomorrow.
Daddy's coming up early
'cause he's never seen Eastland.
He's also never seen
me since I became...
a sex symbol.
- Hello, there!
- Hello, Mr. Bradley.
Come on in, Mr. Ramsey.
- Daddy!
- Tootie!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Come here, girl.
Mmm!
Ooh, gracious.
Can we try that again
without the goop?
But you'll see my wrinkles.
Oh, it's okay.
You're aging beautifully...
for a woman your age.
Daddy, meet my friends.
- Cindy.
- Hi.
- Molly.
- Hello.
Natalie.
And this is Mrs. Garrett,
- our housemother.
- My pleasure.
- Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Ramsey?
- Fine.
Mrs. Garrett was teaching
me all the inside tips
for when I go to beauty school.
Beauty school?
We're really anxious to
hear your Career Day talk.
It must be exciting being
legal adviser to two presidents.
Yeah, you get to meet
new people every four years.
If they last that long.
Girls, this is "Rifle" Ramsey,
All-American quarterback at
Syracuse and Phi Beta Kappa.
All right!
Maybe later we can
talk a little football.
I was a pretty fair receiver
myself at Allegheny Teachers.
They used to call
me "Crazy Legs."
Yes, I can believe that.
Well, "Crazy Legs,"
what I'd really
like to talk about
is how my lovely
daughter is doing in school.
And just maybe I can find out
why you passed
up that opportunity
to take speed-reading.
It went by too fast.
Anyhow, Mrs. Garrett
was teaching me something
really important...
How to Juliette my nails.
Oh, that keeps the
nails from breaking.
Every good
manicurist knows that.
That's quite an
accomplishment, I suppose.
All right, girls.
Let's get to work on
those Career Day essays.
Daddy, you're gonna be even
prouder of me than you think.
What I'm learning
from Mrs. Garrett
will get me into any
beauty school I want.
Hmm. I see Mrs. Garrett
hasn't been neglecting you.
Uh, young lady, I'd like to
talk to you about your goals.
In a minute, Daddy.
Right now, my goal is
to look like Diana Ross.
Gotta skate.
She is really something.
Isn't she?
Not yet.
But I'd like her to
become something.
May we discuss her
academic program?
Well, it's been a real pleasure
meeting you, Mr. Ramsey.
I'd better go help her.
She's my girl.
Gotta skate.
Does, uh, Mrs. Garrett have
much influence on Tootie?
Oh, you bet. Mrs. Garrett says,
"Jump," Tootie says, "How high?"
She doesn't say it very often.
Mr. Bradley, we sent
Tootie to Eastland
to prepare for college,
not beauty school.
I know that.
Well, she's not gonna get there
by having your
housekeeper as a role model.
Oh, Mrs. Garrett isn't a
housekeeper, she's a housemother.
What's the difference?
She's a domestic.
And I know all about domestics.
My mother worked as a
chambermaid in a hotel
to help put me through college.
Well, fortunately, today
Tootie's opportunities
are unlimited.
Well, let's keep
them that way, hmm?
- I hear what you're saying.
- No, you don't.
What I'm saying is,
Mrs. Garrett's taking
Tootie's mind off
worthwhile goals
so all she cares about
are superficial ones.
I want it stopped.
So I would appreciate it if
you would tell Mrs. Garrett
to stay away from my daughter.
There you are,
dearie. All finished.
Blair, do you think it's me?
Settle for it, Sue Ann.
She's a beautician,
not The Miracle Worker.
Okay, girls.
One cupcake to a customer,
and you can help
yourself to cocoa.
Have you all
finished your essays?
I'm going to be a
psychiatrist in Hollywood.
Dr. Nancy Olson,
shrink to the stars.
Smart. That's a great way
to get a man on a couch.
Sue Ann.
Well, I have my
future all mapped out.
After my one-woman exhibit
at the Museum of Modern Art
and my Oscar-winning
performance as an actress,
I guess I'll just settle down
and marry the president
of General Motors.
- That'll never happen, Blair.
- And why not?
'Cause I'm gonna be the
president of General Motors.
She got you on that one, Blair.
Well, I'm headed for a
career as a marine biologist.
I've always been
interested in fish.
And surfers, Sue Ann?
"With muscular, suntanned bodies
and golden-blond hair."
Tootie, you've been
reading my diary again.
Well, I told you
to keep it locked.
I'm weak.
Come in.
- Mrs. Garrett?
- Mr. Bradley, come in.
Come in.
Troops are all here, huh?
Ready for Career Day, girls?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Uh-huh.
Yes. I've decided I'm gonna be
the Joan Baez of the '80s.
Listen.
♪ The skies are junky
The lakes are chunky ♪
♪ The oceans are gunky
I feel like a lab monkey ♪
♪ Stop grossing up
America You turkeys ♪
Wonderful, Molly.
Tootie, have you decided
what you want to be
when you graduate from
Eastland and go to college?
Oh, I'm not going to
college, Mr. Bradley.
- Right, Nat?
- Right.
- You're not?
- No.
We're both gonna
study with Vidal Sassoon
to learn "Advanced Sassooning."
It's all in my essay.
We're gonna open up a
beauty salon and call it...
"Toot 'n' Nat's."
Or we might call
it "Nat 'n' Toot's."
Uh, listen, girls.
I've got to discuss next
week's menu with Mrs. Garrett.
Oh, and, Mr. Bradley,
if you plan to put some
kind of chemical in our food
to make us lose interest
in boys, well, it won't work.
Next week's menu, huh?
All right, Mr. Bradley.
Tell me, what's on your mind?
Well, this isn't
easy, ahem, Edna.
Mr. Ramsey is very
upset with the way that, uh,
Tootie's interests
are developing,
and he blames someone she
spends a lot of her time with.
And, uh, he doesn't
want her to associate
with that person anymore.
Really?
- Not Natalie?
- No.
Well, who is it?
Edna,
you're doing a wonderful
job around here.
- Molly?
- No one has your
delicate touch with cocoa.
- Not Cindy?
- There's none of that yucky
stuff floating at the top.
Well, it couldn't be
Blair, Sue Ann or Nancy.
Ordinarily, I never drink cocoa.
There's no one left.
Yes, there is.
Unless it's me.
Good morning, Mrs. Garrett!
Good morning, Tootie.
Daddy's picking
me up for breakfast.
- Is he here yet?
- I haven't seen him.
Good. That means
there'll be time
for you to teach me how
to pluck my eyebrows.
Not today, dear.
But if I do it myself, I'm
gonna look like Mr. Spock.
No, I'm sorry.
I always thought you got a kick
out of showing me how to do things.
Oh, I do, dear. Believe me.
But I... I just can't.
Sorry.
Then how do I learn
how to do my eyebrows?
By plucking a chicken?
Sheesh.
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
- Hi, Tootie.
- Hello.
What's bothering Tootie?
- Someone put glue
in her wheels?
- Guess so.
Oh, Blair, aren't you
gonna tell Mrs. Garrett
- about your new painting?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to paint a male
model who will be totally naked.
Oh, that's nice, dear.
No, no, no.
You see, you were supposed
to say, "In the nude?"
- And then I say,
"Yeah, it's a horse."
- It cracked me up!
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
It's really very funny.
A horse. I get it!
What's wrong, Mrs. Garrett?
It has something to do
with Tootie, doesn't it?
I can't lie.
Mr. Ramsey doesn't want me to
spend any more time with Tootie.
- Oh, no.
- You're kidding.
He thinks I'm a bad
influence on her.
- Oh, I can't
believe that.
- That's ridiculous.
You're right.
That is ridiculous, isn't it?
- Yes!
- Oh, what am I moping around for?
I'm gonna give
old "Rifle" Ramsey
a couple of shots of
Garrett gunpowder.
Huh? - Behind you.
Over there.
Mr. Ramsey.
You didn't happen to hear
what I just said, did you?
- I'm afraid I did.
- Well... Good.
- Girls.
- Oh, right. Come on, Blair.
Mr. Ramsey.
I think it's time
we cleared the air.
What's this about your not wanting
me to spend time with Tootie?
I did say that,
yes, Mrs. Garrett.
And I want to apologize.
You're not the problem here.
Well, I'm glad you realize that.
You're just the symptom.
Since yesterday, I've made some
pretty thorough evaluations of Eastland
and what it has to offer Tootie.
Then I had the pleasure
of reading her career essay
entitled, "My Future
In Fingernails."
- But that essay is...
- Now, please, Mrs. Garrett.
I've made up my mind.
After my Career Day talk,
I'm taking Tootie
out of Eastland.
Nancy, stop helping me.
Are you trying to
rush me out of here?
Oh, sorry, Tootie.
I'm just a neatness freak.
When I'm sad, I
straighten things.
If it'll help you, you
can make my bed.
Tootie, is it true?
Your dad's pulling
you out of school?
Yeah, in a couple
of hours, it'll be
Toot, Toot, Tootie, good-bye.
How can your dad take
you out of Eastland?
This dump is a great school!
Daddy says he's concerned
I'm not reaching
my potential here.
It's so much simpler when
your parents are divorced.
They just send the
money and smile a lot.
Daddy says I'm not
pushing hard enough.
I'm not motivated.
He says, "Tootie,
you've got the potential
to be a young
Margaret Thatcher."
- Who's Margaret Thatcher?
- That's what I asked.
Huh! Big mistake.
Everyone knows who
Margaret Thatcher is.
She's one of the 10
worst-dressed women in the world.
She's the prime
minister of England.
Oh, that, too. Hmm!
Tootie, what school is
your dad gonna put you in?
Some school in Washington
where the kids of
foreign diplomats go.
I bet my class
picture's gonna look like
a UNICEF poster.
Well, I guess this means the end
of "Nat 'n' Toot's Beauty Shop," huh?
No way! We're still gonna
have our beauty shop.
It's just that Daddy wants me to become
president of the United States first.
Tootie, I want you to have
this to remember me by.
Oh, Nat!
The wig your mom
gave us to practice on.
Gee, what a friend.
You know, I always wanted
to know what it was like
to be a blonde.
You look just like
Suzanne Somers.
Yeah, another blonde
with black roots.
I'll only wear it on
special occasions.
All right. Come on now, girls.
It's almost time for
Career Day talks.
Mrs. Garrett,
you're a good talker.
Can't you convince
Tootie's father to let her stay?
Oh, at this point, I'm the
last person he'd listen to.
Nancy, where you been?
Don't you know that Tootie's
father doesn't like this school
because Mrs. Garrett's the
reason why Tootie's such a dummy?
Whoever thought my own
daddy could be so mean?
Oh, no, Tootie. That's not true.
Try and understand your father.
My goodness, he's worked awfully
hard to get you where you are.
Then why is he taking
me out of Eastland
when he knows I love it here?
Mrs. Garrett, I'm
really gonna miss you.
Oh, sweetie, I'm
gonna miss you, too.
Oh! Just listen to us.
Just listen to us!
Are we gonna give
Tootie up without a fight?
You're right.
Hey, I got an idea!
We'll chain Tootie
to the front gate,
just like Jon Voight
in Coming Home.
I got it. I got it.
First, we'll go downstairs and
convince Tootie's father to let her stay
by using something
he respects... our brains.
Brains? We are in trouble.
Not that you girls aren't smart,
but Daddy's the best.
I mean, he's argued cases in
all the highest courts of the land,
even in front of the Supremes.
And law firms all over the
country are opening their doors
to female lawyers who have made
top grades at the top law schools,
but they only have
room for those of you
who are willing to
apply yourselves.
Remember my analogy: a
law career is like an old jalopy.
If you really want it to work,
you've got to get
behind it and push!
Thank you very much.
Wonderful. Wonderful,
Mr. Ramsey. Now...
Now we'll open the
floor to questions.
And, girls, nothing personal
like what you asked
Natalie's sister.
- Blair.
- Mr. Ramsey,
isn't it illegal to yank a child
out of school against her will?
Not to my knowledge.
Young lady?
If she loves that school,
isn't it alienation
of affection?
Now, hold it, girls. I know
what you're driving at.
But this is not the time or the
place to discuss Tootie's situation.
But, Mr. Bradley, we
have to discuss it now!
Yeah, Mr. Bradley. In
10 minutes, I'm gone!
So, how about it, Daddy?
Can we get on my case?
Sure. I can handle a forum.
Fire away.
Can I talk? I've
got plenty to say.
No, Natalie.
Now, I know you're
gonna tell Mr. Ramsey
what a wonderful and
loyal friend Tootle is,
but we've got to
stick to the facts.
Right, we can't
stoop to emotions,
like how much we love her.
And how generous she
is with her care packages.
And how she makes us laugh.
I won't say any of those things.
- Molly?
- Mr. Ramsey, I'd like
to present exhibit A,
which is Tootie's grades that I
got from Mrs. Packer's front office,
who is always truthful, even though
her dentures do wobble when she talks.
"A, A, B, A.
Cooperative, enthusiastic,
talks too much"...
Uh-oh.
But that's in gym,
so it doesn't count.
Well, thank you very
much, Molly. I, uh...
I know that Tootie's
grades are very good
and I also know that
she talks quite a bit.
Mr. Ramsey, Eastland's
a terrific place to learn.
You won't find a
tougher school anywhere.
Yeah, if one existed, my
mom would've found it.
Look, girls, I truly appreciate
how you feel about Tootie,
but I still don't think that Eastland
offers the challenge that she needs.
Hold it, Mr. Ramsey.
I think I've got to
call you on that.
Uh-oh.
Now, up until now,
I've been rather intimidated
by what you've accomplished.
Well, we've accomplished
a lot here at Eastland, too.
This is not a school
for rich, spoiled girls.
Why is everybody looking at me?
I think Eastland offers exactly the
kind of challenge that Tootie needs.
Our teachers are ranked
highest in the state.
We've got a 90%
college placement.
Our graduates represent a
wide variety of professions
throughout the whole country.
- Right!
- Yeah!
Mr. Bradley, I truly appreciate
what you've said, too,
but I must stand by my decision.
Tootie, are you all packed?
Guess we didn't convince
the jury, huh, Mrs. Garrett?
You did just fine, Blair.
Mr. Ramsey, before you leave,
may I see you and Tootie
for a moment in my chambers?
Of course, Mrs. Garrett.
If I'm not out in five minutes,
raffle off my skates.
Mr. Ramsey, I'm sure you
know a lot about education,
but are you sure you know so very
much about what young girls think?
When I was Tootie's age, I
wanted to be, oh, so many things...
A ballerina, a
scientist, a jockey.
Fortunately for the
horse, I changed my mind.
But changing your
mind is par for the course
when you're 12 years old.
Yes, Mrs. Garrett.
- I understand
what you are saying.
- Please, I'm on a roll.
Mr. Ramsey, fess up.
Didn't you have a dream or
two when you were 12 years old?
- Hmm?
- No, I wasn't dreaming.
I was preparing for a
serious and meaningful future.
Uh, Daddy, aren't
you forgetting about
"Buffalo" Ramsey?
"Buffalo" Ramsey?
Oh, yeah. Grandma's got
photo albums full of ol' "Buffalo"
with boots on,
twirling his rope.
She says Daddy
used to roll in the dust
just to look like a real cowboy.
Mr. Ramsey, if you
leave her here with us,
I can promise you she'll end
up with a career she loves.
Let us help her with
her first few steps.
Please?
Let her stay.
Well, I must admit
I'm weakening.
And everybody loves
you so much here.
Oh, yeah, I'm a lot of fun...
When I'm not being
serious and meaningful.
- Nancy!
- Oh, okay.
Nancy, they are having
a private conversation!
- You can't
eavesdrop like that.
- Of course not.
This is the way to eavesdrop.
- Hi. - Guess what. I'm staying!
♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best investigate ♪
♪ The facts of life
The facts of life ♪
♪ If you hear 'em
from your brother ♪
♪ Better clear 'em
with your mother ♪
♪ Gotta get 'em
right The facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ The facts of
life are all about ♪
♪ You ♪