The Facts of Life (1979–1988): Season 1, Episode 2 - Like Mother, Like Daughter - full transcript
Blair fears she will get a reputation for being "easy" because her multiple-divorce' mother is caught flirting with another student's married father.
♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪
♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪
♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ What everything is all about ♪
♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪
♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪♪
♪ Frére Jacques Frére Jacques ♪
♪ Dormez-vous, uh
Dormez-vous, uh ♪♪
Hey, the place does look great.
A French café was a terrific
theme for Parents' Night.
Yeah. The old dump
looks tres magnifique.
Yeah, the tray does look
magnifique, doesn't it?
Our parents are really
gonna be impressed.
We're even using
the good plastic.
Okay, you guys.
Mrs. Garrett's coming.
And she's wearing that
French outfit we put together.
And don't kid her.
She's kind of shy about it.
I don't know...
I don't know. I,
uh... I... I feel so silly.
I... I don't feel very
French. Do I look French?
Oh, you look great,
Mrs. Garrett. Oh, yeah?
- Hold that pose!
- Oh?
- I'm looking you up
in this book on body language.
- Body language?
Yeah. It's all about how we
make moves with our body...
that tell people
what we're thinking.
It says here when you stand
with your shoulders straight,
what you're really saying
is, "I'm proud of my territory."
I'm proud of my
territory. All of it?
You look so great, Mrs. Garrett.
You're gonna be such a hit.
Oh, what the heck!
♪ I love Paris in
the springtime ♪
♪ I love Paris in the fall ♪
♪ I love Paris in the
winter when it "dwizzles" ♪
♪ I love Paris in the
summer when it sizzles ♪
♪ I love Pa... ♪♪
- Forget it.
- Wait, Mrs. Garrett.
Your body was really talking
while it was singing and dancing.
It was saying, "Look at me.
I'm not in Peekskill, New York.
I'm in Paris." And why are
you covering yourself up?
Oh, well, you may have sent my
body to Paris, but I'm hanging out here.
Is it okay if I hang
Quasimodo here?
Quasimodo? Ohh.
He reminds me of a
blind date I had once.
No. It's really good, Blair.
Thanks. How do you like
where I just signed my first name?
"Blair"? Oh, it's very chic.
And it'll save a lot
of money on paint.
I got the idea from my mom. She
just signs her paintings "Monica."
1 can't wait till
she sees it tonight.
I hope someday I can paint
like she does. Of course you will.
The leaf never falls
far from the tree.
You're really proud
of her, aren't you?
Yeah. She's not only
creative, but she's charming,
she's got a fantastic
figure, she's gorgeous.
- You can't tell us apart.
- Oh.
Oh, and I'll bet she
wears a flower in her hair.
Yeah. How did you know?
Oh. Cindy? Cindy, will
you get the cheese dip?
I have to check the chocolate mousse
and bring out the quiche lorraine.
♪ Quiche me once Quiche me
twice Quiche me once again ♪
Whoo!
Hi, girls. The place
looks marvelous.
Here are your "Hello"
badges, Put them on.
And here is yours, Mr. Bradley.
No, thank you, Miss Mahoney.
I know who I am. Wear it.
You might be wrong.
All right now, girls... women.
Your parents will be here in a few
minutes, so let's get out of those clothes.
I don't mean get out
of them down here.
Go upstairs and get out of those
clothes. Then come back down here...
with your clothes on.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Come on.
Quick, quick. Toute de suite! Hah!
Oh! Ohh!
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh. Oh, hello.
Hello. I'm Blair's mother.
I'm Blair's hairdresser...
headmaster.
My name's Monica Warner. You
don't have to tell me your name.
I knew who you were
the minute I saw you.
You couldn't be anyone
other than Stephen Bradley.
That's amazing. How
did you know that?
Oh, call it vibes,
call it karma, call it...
- Call it kismet?
- Call it a name tag.
Oh, yeah. Well...
Welcome to Eastland, Mrs.
Warner. You mean, welcome back.
I used to be a student here.
Seems like only yesterday.
The way you look now, it could
have been first thing this morning.
Thank you. Thank
you. Ooh! Sorry. Sorry.
Suppose your husband
is parking the car?
If he is, he's parking it in Pittsburgh.
We've been divorced for three years.
Oh, what a shame.
Poppycock, anyone?
Oh, uh, Mrs. Garrett,
Blair's housemother.
This is Monica Warner,
Blair's mother-mother.
- Oh, how do you do,
Mrs. Warner?
- Hi. How are you?
- See, I knew I heard her. Mother!
- Hi. Oh, sweetheart!
Ohh, have I missed
you. Oh, me too.
Oh, my goodness. You finished
this, sweetheart. It looks terrific.
Thank you. Mom, I want
you to meet my friends.
Sue Ann. Hi.
Cindy. Hello.
Nancy. Hi.
Molly. Hello.
Tootie. Hi.
- And Natalie.
- Hi.
Meet my gorgeous mom.
You're the most beautiful
woman I ever met.
- Oh, thank you, dear.
- What do you have to do
to look the way you look?
Well, I get plenty
of sleep, I exercise...
and I drink a lot of milk.
Wow! If I could look
like that, I'd drink a cow!
Come on, guys. We've
got to get back to work.
Nice meeting you. On
the double. On the double.
Wow, what a figure. Yeah.
Wouldn't you just love to
have a pair of legs like that?
I'd settle for just one.
I brought you a little
surprise, sweetheart.
It's your first Christian Dior.
Oh, Mother, thank you!
Let's hold it up and
see what it looks like.
There's a full-length
mirror in here. Oh, okay.
Blair's mother has a great
head on her shoulders.
Mrs. Garrett, can I
ask you something?
This is kind of a
delicate matter.
How shall I put it?
Uh... Put it this way...
You have a friend who's the
headmaster of a girls' school,
and he thinks he's hit it lucky
with a mother of one of his students.
Close enough.
This friend wants to know if he
should ask her out, or shouldn't I?
Why don't you both
give it a shot? Okay.
Oh, here he is. Mr. Bradley,
this is Mr. Branch, Nina's father.
Hi. Justin Branch. Hello.
My wife couldn't make it.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
The flu. Ah. Well, I'm
glad you could make it.
I wouldn't have missed it.
Make yourself comfortable.
Thank you. Mr. Branch.
Mrs. Garrett. Welcome to
Parents' Night. Vive la France.
Well, I'm sorry your
wife couldn't make it.
Excuse me, please.
- Justin Branch?
- Monica!
Oh, no. How are you?
Oh, Don't tell me you've got a
daughter here too? Oh, sure. Nina.
She's on the welcoming
committee down at the gate.
Oh, I should have known... that
gorgeous girl with your blue, blue eyes.
This has got to be
your daughter. Yep.
Monica, it ain't fair, all
that beauty in one family.
Sweetheart, this
is Justin Branch.
He used to go to the
boys' school up the street.
- We broke a lot
of curfews together.
- That's for sure.
Blair, it is my pleasure.
Same here, Mr. Branch.
Is that any way to greet an
old friend of mine? Come on.
Give him a big kiss. Mother,
please. I just met Mr. Branch.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were my daughter. I am!
Well, thank you very much.
She's gonna break
a lot of hearts.
She is very definitely
your daughter.
Sweetheart, you go put
that smashing dress on,
and I'm gonna show Justin
our old stomping grounds.
Okay. Thank you.
Boy! Blair's mom really
knows how to talk with her body.
Yeah, and when her
body talks, people listen.
She does everything
the book says.
Did you see the way she tilts
her head and sways her hips?
She's saying, "I'm a
warm, inviting human being.
Move into my territory."
If she were any more inviting,
she'd be a regular Welcome Wagon.
Natalie!
- Let's study
Miss Mahoney's body.
- Study Miss Mahoney's body?
I think you're gonna have
to read between the lines.
Good evening, Mrs. Garrett.
Good evening, Miss Mahoney.
May I borrow a pen? I've got
some more "Hello" badges to fill in.
Oh, sure, honey. There
you go. Oh, thanks.
Mmm. Wonderful Parents'
Night, don't you think?
Oh, yes. Even my lab animals
seem to sense the electricity.
All aquiver, are they, Emily?
Oh, there's a badge
for Mr. Branch.
Uh, who's that one
for? Mrs. Branch.
Oh. No, Emily. She's
home sick with the flu.
Oh.
Then who was that I just saw
kissing Mr. Branch in the garden?
Uh, well, if we're lucky,
maybe it's Mrs. Branch
with very long lips.
- That's funny.
- Not funny,
if he's there with
Blair's mother.
Wow, what a dress.
You can wear it
sometime, if it fits you.
Uh, don't worry. It'll fit me.
It's a little long,
don't you think?
Maybe Mrs. Garrett could
shorten it. Don't shorten it too much.
Go away hips. Get lost.
Sue Ann! Guess who we
saw near the water fountain?
Mmm-mmm! Blair's mom and
Mr. Branch were making out.
They're having an affair.
The kind that isn't catered.
I don't believe it.
You're both buggy.
Oh, yeah? Does this sound buggy?
Monica, darling, if I'd known you
were gonna turn out so beautiful,
I wouldn't have
teased you so much.
Are you teasing me now, Justin?
No. No, honey. I've
never been more serious.
In all these years, I've
never forgotten you.
Do you think it's been
any different for me, Justin?
Monica, darling,
do you know what your
perfume is doing to me?
Come here.
And then kiss, kiss,
kiss. It was disgusting.
Stop laughing! It's not funny!
You're right.
You two ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
You had no right to be
eavesdropping or even to be there.
But as long as you were,
what else did they say?
No!
It's tough having a young
heart with middle-aged eyes.
As soon as I thread this needle,
you can finish tacking
the hem of your dress.
That's all there is to it? Sure.
Didn't your mother ever show you?
My mother says, "Beautiful women were
not put on this earth to do menial tasks."
Oh, that-that's not to say
you're not beautiful, Mrs. Garrett.
- I know it, angel.
- Or that what you do
is menial.
Oh, absolutely not.
Nothing's menial if you
feel good about yourself.
Hooray.
May I ask you something,
Mrs. Garrett? Sure.
- What do you think
of my mother?
- Well, I just met her,
but I think she's very nice.
Everyone else has been
raving about how beautiful she is,
and you haven't even
said a word. Beautiful?
She's gorgeous,
just like her daughter.
Do you think she comes
on to men too much?
No! There's nothing wrong
with being a little flirty.
It's just a game to her anyway.
- She doesn't mean anything,
really.
- Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, no! Did I do
something wrong?
Ohh, I did.
Uh, I prepared the chocolate mousse,
and I forgot to put it in the refrigerator.
I better run before
the mousse does.
Oh, honey, would you order some
ice cream from the drugstore? Call 'em.
- Sure.
- There's no excuse
for a loose mousse.
That's right, 10:00.
Thank you. Bye.
It's all set.
I got us a romantic corner booth
at the Candlelight Inn, 10:00.
Justin, you're such a devil.
What's the harm in soul mates
having a couple of drinks together?
And after drinks?
A long dessert. Come on.
You're crazy. You're
giving us this dress?
But your mother gave it to
you. I don't want it anymore.
- There's a curse
attached to it.
- Oh, I'll take it.
I'm not superstitious.
But this...
- this dress must've cost
a hundred dollars.
- The buttons cost that much.
Oh, boy. If it's that expensive,
I'd be too embarrassed to take it.
Oh, I'm never embarrassed.
Neither of us should have it.
Give it back to Blair!
If you don't want
it... Trash day!
I'll just dump this
into my closet.
It's not your style, Sue Ann.
It's not even your wastebasket!
Blair, did you order
the ice cream?
- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- Oh, Blair. Hey.
Wasn't that Sue Ann I saw
walkin' out with the Christian Dior?
Yeah, I gave it to her.
That was very generous of you.
I hope your mother understands.
Who cares? From now
on, I'm not gonna dress
like her, or act like
her, or be like her.
What's the matter, honey? She's made a date
with her latest conquest, Justin Branch.
He's a married man!
I never want to hear "like
mother, like daughter" again.
Oh, but, Blair, your mother
and Mr. Branch are old friends.
They're having an
innocent reunion.
I've lost three fathers because
of innocent little reunions like this.
I wonder how many
husbands I'll go through?
Sweetheart, don't...
Don't... don't think that way.
If that's the way I'm gonna be when I
grow up, I won't be able to stand myself.
I don't want to break a lot of hearts.
My mother's the expert on that.
- And I'm gonna
call her on it right now!
- Blair...
Mrs. Garrett.
What is it, Tootie?
You should see what Blair's mom
and Mr. Bradley are doing on the couch.
Oh, Tootie. Tootie, will
you stay here with her?
- I'll be right back.
- Mrs. Garrett!
You must be a wonderful
headmaster, Stephen,
spending so much time
with each parent like you do.
Well, with a parent like you,
Monica, I try to make time.
Anyone can see that. Snack?
No. Yes, I...
Uh... Mrs. Warner. Hello.
Would you excuse me? Yes.
- Uh, may I speak to you?
- No.
- No doubt
it's something important.
- Very.
Excuse me. Yes.
Mayday, Mr. Bradley. Mayday?
Why can't it wait till spring?
I'm talking about an
emergency. Blair is very upset.
Her mother's about to become
involved with a man here.
She is?
Did she tell you where
she wants me to meet her?
Fantasize on your own
time. It's Mr. Branch.
How could she?
Now, I know how she could.
Well, give me the details. The only detail
that matters is that Blair is devastated.
Maybe you could talk to her. Me?
Yes, Blair just found out. They
made a secret date for tonight.
That's not our affair. That's their
affair. It's none of our business.
Oh, Mr. Bradley, when one of our girls
has a problem, it becomes our business.
Mrs. Garrett, try to remember, that you
are the housemother, not "Dear Abby."
Oh, Mr. Bradley! This is a
situation that... Will take care of itself.
But I know... With no
interference from us.
But they... As
diplomatically as I can put it.
But you... That's it. Butt out.
- Blair, please.
- Mother, may I please
speak to you?
Sure. Blair, why aren't you
wearing the dress I bought you?
That's your kind of
dress, Mother, not mine.
Well, what do you want to look
like? I'm trying to change my image.
I want to become as
unlike you as I possibly can.
Blair, what is this about?
You know what it's about!
I'm talking about you sneaking away for
a romantic evening with a married man!
Sweetheart, if you're talking
about Justin and myself,
we've been friends for years.
What is wrong with a harmless
little get-together between friends?
If it's so harmless,
why did I hear you
whispering about a
romantic evening together?
I heard the whole thing. Blair!
You're not a child. Men are
attracted to beautiful women.
And whether you like it or not, you're
gonna have that same problem too.
No, I won't. Because
I'm not gonna be like you.
No wonder you've
been married three times.
I-I'm ashamed to even
have a mother like you!
Blair! Blair!
Anyone for punch?
Pound cake? Mrs. Garrett.
- Hi.
- Hello, Mrs. Garrett.
- I guess I'm in for a lecture.
- Me, lecture? Ohh!
I just want to take a
well-earned break. Whew.
Good, cause nobody's changing
my opinion of my mother.
Well, I don't intend to. And I
don't see anyone else around.
I was right, you know.
She is having dinner with Mr. Branch
and whatever comes with dessert.
Coffee, no doubt. Ah!
- See, you agree with me
about my mother.
- Oh, no, no.
I was just checkin' somethin'
in this body-language book.
- You don't believe
that stuff, do you?
- Oh, I sure do.
Especially what it says
about you on page 63.
Okay, what does it say
about me on page 63?
Oh, the way your arms
folded, kind of like a judge.
You haven't sent
anyone up the river lately?
My mother deserves to be judged.
She's messed up a lot
of lives, including mine.
Oh, Blair, your life isn't
messed up. It's just begun.
Sure, and all I have to do is watch my
mother to see how I'm gonna end up...
With affairs and
broken marriages,
and my own daughter
ashamed of me.
May I approach the
bench, Your Honor?
Okay, so we both know your
mother's slightly flirtatious.
That's like saying the
Eiffel Tower is slightly tall.
But, you know, honey,
she's devoted to you.
Not every mother took the time to
come up here to see her daughter tonight.
But she came here for
you and for no other reason.
You know, Blair, I had to learn
that loving someone doesn't mean...
just loving the parts you like.
Loving means accepting the
whole package, warts and all.
If my mother ever had a wart,
she'd sue Elizabeth Arden.
And just because you're
also talented and beautiful...
doesn't mean you're going to
grow up just like your mother.
Come on, Mrs. Garrett.
You said it yourself.
The leaf never falls
far from the tree.
Oh, I did say that, didn't I?
Well, uh... Well, uh...
Oh, uh... But I didn't
tell you about the wind.
The wind? The wind.
Very often, a-a gentle wind...
takes the leaf with the
little seed attached...
and carries it high
above the forest...
until it lands on a
sunny, bright hill.
And then a strong,
new tree grows...
that's maybe not quite as
sappy as the tree it came from.
Oh, Blair, beauty doesn't
have to be a curse.
That's what I've always found.
You could be right. My
grandmother's beautiful,
and she's loved only my
grandfather for 52 years.
Aha. Of course, he is loaded.
Hey, your body
language says you're, uh,
beginning to feel a
little better about things.
How can you tell? Ohh,
you're beginning to relax.
Why, you're even beginning
to unclench your hair.
Mrs. Garrett? Oh, there you are.
Listen. Since Blair doesn't
want this dress anymore,
do you think you could show
me how to lengthen the hem?
Why are you both
looking at me that way?
Blair wants the dress back?
Well, easy come, easy go.
- Oh, Blair.
- Uh, where's my mother?
Did she leave?
Mmm. Oh, Blair.
You look beautiful.
Is that you,
Mother, in an apron?
Well, I thought it was about
time that I started acting...
a little bit like you
than you like me.
- You haven't cooked in years.
- You should have seen her.
She was fantastic.
Yeah, I did wonderfully,
once they showed me the difference
between stove and refrigerator.
Anyway, it was a good excuse to
spend some time with you girls...
and relive my school
days. Say, Mrs. Warner.
- Why don't you spend
the night tonight?
- Yeah, I got an extra nightie.
I could. There's nothing I'd rather
do than spend time with my daughter.
I'm sorry.
There are more sides to
you than I ever realized.
That's what's so special
about your mother.
She has all those sides.
And still keeping
all those curves.
All right, everybody. Sing!
♪♪
♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪
♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪
♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ What everything
is all about ♪♪
♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪
♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ What everything is all about ♪
♪ When the boys you
used to hate you date ♪
♪ I guess you best
investigate the facts of life ♪
♪ You gotta get 'em right ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪♪
♪ Frére Jacques Frére Jacques ♪
♪ Dormez-vous, uh
Dormez-vous, uh ♪♪
Hey, the place does look great.
A French café was a terrific
theme for Parents' Night.
Yeah. The old dump
looks tres magnifique.
Yeah, the tray does look
magnifique, doesn't it?
Our parents are really
gonna be impressed.
We're even using
the good plastic.
Okay, you guys.
Mrs. Garrett's coming.
And she's wearing that
French outfit we put together.
And don't kid her.
She's kind of shy about it.
I don't know...
I don't know. I,
uh... I... I feel so silly.
I... I don't feel very
French. Do I look French?
Oh, you look great,
Mrs. Garrett. Oh, yeah?
- Hold that pose!
- Oh?
- I'm looking you up
in this book on body language.
- Body language?
Yeah. It's all about how we
make moves with our body...
that tell people
what we're thinking.
It says here when you stand
with your shoulders straight,
what you're really saying
is, "I'm proud of my territory."
I'm proud of my
territory. All of it?
You look so great, Mrs. Garrett.
You're gonna be such a hit.
Oh, what the heck!
♪ I love Paris in
the springtime ♪
♪ I love Paris in the fall ♪
♪ I love Paris in the
winter when it "dwizzles" ♪
♪ I love Paris in the
summer when it sizzles ♪
♪ I love Pa... ♪♪
- Forget it.
- Wait, Mrs. Garrett.
Your body was really talking
while it was singing and dancing.
It was saying, "Look at me.
I'm not in Peekskill, New York.
I'm in Paris." And why are
you covering yourself up?
Oh, well, you may have sent my
body to Paris, but I'm hanging out here.
Is it okay if I hang
Quasimodo here?
Quasimodo? Ohh.
He reminds me of a
blind date I had once.
No. It's really good, Blair.
Thanks. How do you like
where I just signed my first name?
"Blair"? Oh, it's very chic.
And it'll save a lot
of money on paint.
I got the idea from my mom. She
just signs her paintings "Monica."
1 can't wait till
she sees it tonight.
I hope someday I can paint
like she does. Of course you will.
The leaf never falls
far from the tree.
You're really proud
of her, aren't you?
Yeah. She's not only
creative, but she's charming,
she's got a fantastic
figure, she's gorgeous.
- You can't tell us apart.
- Oh.
Oh, and I'll bet she
wears a flower in her hair.
Yeah. How did you know?
Oh. Cindy? Cindy, will
you get the cheese dip?
I have to check the chocolate mousse
and bring out the quiche lorraine.
♪ Quiche me once Quiche me
twice Quiche me once again ♪
Whoo!
Hi, girls. The place
looks marvelous.
Here are your "Hello"
badges, Put them on.
And here is yours, Mr. Bradley.
No, thank you, Miss Mahoney.
I know who I am. Wear it.
You might be wrong.
All right now, girls... women.
Your parents will be here in a few
minutes, so let's get out of those clothes.
I don't mean get out
of them down here.
Go upstairs and get out of those
clothes. Then come back down here...
with your clothes on.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Come on.
Quick, quick. Toute de suite! Hah!
Oh! Ohh!
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh. Oh, hello.
Hello. I'm Blair's mother.
I'm Blair's hairdresser...
headmaster.
My name's Monica Warner. You
don't have to tell me your name.
I knew who you were
the minute I saw you.
You couldn't be anyone
other than Stephen Bradley.
That's amazing. How
did you know that?
Oh, call it vibes,
call it karma, call it...
- Call it kismet?
- Call it a name tag.
Oh, yeah. Well...
Welcome to Eastland, Mrs.
Warner. You mean, welcome back.
I used to be a student here.
Seems like only yesterday.
The way you look now, it could
have been first thing this morning.
Thank you. Thank
you. Ooh! Sorry. Sorry.
Suppose your husband
is parking the car?
If he is, he's parking it in Pittsburgh.
We've been divorced for three years.
Oh, what a shame.
Poppycock, anyone?
Oh, uh, Mrs. Garrett,
Blair's housemother.
This is Monica Warner,
Blair's mother-mother.
- Oh, how do you do,
Mrs. Warner?
- Hi. How are you?
- See, I knew I heard her. Mother!
- Hi. Oh, sweetheart!
Ohh, have I missed
you. Oh, me too.
Oh, my goodness. You finished
this, sweetheart. It looks terrific.
Thank you. Mom, I want
you to meet my friends.
Sue Ann. Hi.
Cindy. Hello.
Nancy. Hi.
Molly. Hello.
Tootie. Hi.
- And Natalie.
- Hi.
Meet my gorgeous mom.
You're the most beautiful
woman I ever met.
- Oh, thank you, dear.
- What do you have to do
to look the way you look?
Well, I get plenty
of sleep, I exercise...
and I drink a lot of milk.
Wow! If I could look
like that, I'd drink a cow!
Come on, guys. We've
got to get back to work.
Nice meeting you. On
the double. On the double.
Wow, what a figure. Yeah.
Wouldn't you just love to
have a pair of legs like that?
I'd settle for just one.
I brought you a little
surprise, sweetheart.
It's your first Christian Dior.
Oh, Mother, thank you!
Let's hold it up and
see what it looks like.
There's a full-length
mirror in here. Oh, okay.
Blair's mother has a great
head on her shoulders.
Mrs. Garrett, can I
ask you something?
This is kind of a
delicate matter.
How shall I put it?
Uh... Put it this way...
You have a friend who's the
headmaster of a girls' school,
and he thinks he's hit it lucky
with a mother of one of his students.
Close enough.
This friend wants to know if he
should ask her out, or shouldn't I?
Why don't you both
give it a shot? Okay.
Oh, here he is. Mr. Bradley,
this is Mr. Branch, Nina's father.
Hi. Justin Branch. Hello.
My wife couldn't make it.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
The flu. Ah. Well, I'm
glad you could make it.
I wouldn't have missed it.
Make yourself comfortable.
Thank you. Mr. Branch.
Mrs. Garrett. Welcome to
Parents' Night. Vive la France.
Well, I'm sorry your
wife couldn't make it.
Excuse me, please.
- Justin Branch?
- Monica!
Oh, no. How are you?
Oh, Don't tell me you've got a
daughter here too? Oh, sure. Nina.
She's on the welcoming
committee down at the gate.
Oh, I should have known... that
gorgeous girl with your blue, blue eyes.
This has got to be
your daughter. Yep.
Monica, it ain't fair, all
that beauty in one family.
Sweetheart, this
is Justin Branch.
He used to go to the
boys' school up the street.
- We broke a lot
of curfews together.
- That's for sure.
Blair, it is my pleasure.
Same here, Mr. Branch.
Is that any way to greet an
old friend of mine? Come on.
Give him a big kiss. Mother,
please. I just met Mr. Branch.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were my daughter. I am!
Well, thank you very much.
She's gonna break
a lot of hearts.
She is very definitely
your daughter.
Sweetheart, you go put
that smashing dress on,
and I'm gonna show Justin
our old stomping grounds.
Okay. Thank you.
Boy! Blair's mom really
knows how to talk with her body.
Yeah, and when her
body talks, people listen.
She does everything
the book says.
Did you see the way she tilts
her head and sways her hips?
She's saying, "I'm a
warm, inviting human being.
Move into my territory."
If she were any more inviting,
she'd be a regular Welcome Wagon.
Natalie!
- Let's study
Miss Mahoney's body.
- Study Miss Mahoney's body?
I think you're gonna have
to read between the lines.
Good evening, Mrs. Garrett.
Good evening, Miss Mahoney.
May I borrow a pen? I've got
some more "Hello" badges to fill in.
Oh, sure, honey. There
you go. Oh, thanks.
Mmm. Wonderful Parents'
Night, don't you think?
Oh, yes. Even my lab animals
seem to sense the electricity.
All aquiver, are they, Emily?
Oh, there's a badge
for Mr. Branch.
Uh, who's that one
for? Mrs. Branch.
Oh. No, Emily. She's
home sick with the flu.
Oh.
Then who was that I just saw
kissing Mr. Branch in the garden?
Uh, well, if we're lucky,
maybe it's Mrs. Branch
with very long lips.
- That's funny.
- Not funny,
if he's there with
Blair's mother.
Wow, what a dress.
You can wear it
sometime, if it fits you.
Uh, don't worry. It'll fit me.
It's a little long,
don't you think?
Maybe Mrs. Garrett could
shorten it. Don't shorten it too much.
Go away hips. Get lost.
Sue Ann! Guess who we
saw near the water fountain?
Mmm-mmm! Blair's mom and
Mr. Branch were making out.
They're having an affair.
The kind that isn't catered.
I don't believe it.
You're both buggy.
Oh, yeah? Does this sound buggy?
Monica, darling, if I'd known you
were gonna turn out so beautiful,
I wouldn't have
teased you so much.
Are you teasing me now, Justin?
No. No, honey. I've
never been more serious.
In all these years, I've
never forgotten you.
Do you think it's been
any different for me, Justin?
Monica, darling,
do you know what your
perfume is doing to me?
Come here.
And then kiss, kiss,
kiss. It was disgusting.
Stop laughing! It's not funny!
You're right.
You two ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
You had no right to be
eavesdropping or even to be there.
But as long as you were,
what else did they say?
No!
It's tough having a young
heart with middle-aged eyes.
As soon as I thread this needle,
you can finish tacking
the hem of your dress.
That's all there is to it? Sure.
Didn't your mother ever show you?
My mother says, "Beautiful women were
not put on this earth to do menial tasks."
Oh, that-that's not to say
you're not beautiful, Mrs. Garrett.
- I know it, angel.
- Or that what you do
is menial.
Oh, absolutely not.
Nothing's menial if you
feel good about yourself.
Hooray.
May I ask you something,
Mrs. Garrett? Sure.
- What do you think
of my mother?
- Well, I just met her,
but I think she's very nice.
Everyone else has been
raving about how beautiful she is,
and you haven't even
said a word. Beautiful?
She's gorgeous,
just like her daughter.
Do you think she comes
on to men too much?
No! There's nothing wrong
with being a little flirty.
It's just a game to her anyway.
- She doesn't mean anything,
really.
- Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, no! Did I do
something wrong?
Ohh, I did.
Uh, I prepared the chocolate mousse,
and I forgot to put it in the refrigerator.
I better run before
the mousse does.
Oh, honey, would you order some
ice cream from the drugstore? Call 'em.
- Sure.
- There's no excuse
for a loose mousse.
That's right, 10:00.
Thank you. Bye.
It's all set.
I got us a romantic corner booth
at the Candlelight Inn, 10:00.
Justin, you're such a devil.
What's the harm in soul mates
having a couple of drinks together?
And after drinks?
A long dessert. Come on.
You're crazy. You're
giving us this dress?
But your mother gave it to
you. I don't want it anymore.
- There's a curse
attached to it.
- Oh, I'll take it.
I'm not superstitious.
But this...
- this dress must've cost
a hundred dollars.
- The buttons cost that much.
Oh, boy. If it's that expensive,
I'd be too embarrassed to take it.
Oh, I'm never embarrassed.
Neither of us should have it.
Give it back to Blair!
If you don't want
it... Trash day!
I'll just dump this
into my closet.
It's not your style, Sue Ann.
It's not even your wastebasket!
Blair, did you order
the ice cream?
- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- Oh, Blair. Hey.
Wasn't that Sue Ann I saw
walkin' out with the Christian Dior?
Yeah, I gave it to her.
That was very generous of you.
I hope your mother understands.
Who cares? From now
on, I'm not gonna dress
like her, or act like
her, or be like her.
What's the matter, honey? She's made a date
with her latest conquest, Justin Branch.
He's a married man!
I never want to hear "like
mother, like daughter" again.
Oh, but, Blair, your mother
and Mr. Branch are old friends.
They're having an
innocent reunion.
I've lost three fathers because
of innocent little reunions like this.
I wonder how many
husbands I'll go through?
Sweetheart, don't...
Don't... don't think that way.
If that's the way I'm gonna be when I
grow up, I won't be able to stand myself.
I don't want to break a lot of hearts.
My mother's the expert on that.
- And I'm gonna
call her on it right now!
- Blair...
Mrs. Garrett.
What is it, Tootie?
You should see what Blair's mom
and Mr. Bradley are doing on the couch.
Oh, Tootie. Tootie, will
you stay here with her?
- I'll be right back.
- Mrs. Garrett!
You must be a wonderful
headmaster, Stephen,
spending so much time
with each parent like you do.
Well, with a parent like you,
Monica, I try to make time.
Anyone can see that. Snack?
No. Yes, I...
Uh... Mrs. Warner. Hello.
Would you excuse me? Yes.
- Uh, may I speak to you?
- No.
- No doubt
it's something important.
- Very.
Excuse me. Yes.
Mayday, Mr. Bradley. Mayday?
Why can't it wait till spring?
I'm talking about an
emergency. Blair is very upset.
Her mother's about to become
involved with a man here.
She is?
Did she tell you where
she wants me to meet her?
Fantasize on your own
time. It's Mr. Branch.
How could she?
Now, I know how she could.
Well, give me the details. The only detail
that matters is that Blair is devastated.
Maybe you could talk to her. Me?
Yes, Blair just found out. They
made a secret date for tonight.
That's not our affair. That's their
affair. It's none of our business.
Oh, Mr. Bradley, when one of our girls
has a problem, it becomes our business.
Mrs. Garrett, try to remember, that you
are the housemother, not "Dear Abby."
Oh, Mr. Bradley! This is a
situation that... Will take care of itself.
But I know... With no
interference from us.
But they... As
diplomatically as I can put it.
But you... That's it. Butt out.
- Blair, please.
- Mother, may I please
speak to you?
Sure. Blair, why aren't you
wearing the dress I bought you?
That's your kind of
dress, Mother, not mine.
Well, what do you want to look
like? I'm trying to change my image.
I want to become as
unlike you as I possibly can.
Blair, what is this about?
You know what it's about!
I'm talking about you sneaking away for
a romantic evening with a married man!
Sweetheart, if you're talking
about Justin and myself,
we've been friends for years.
What is wrong with a harmless
little get-together between friends?
If it's so harmless,
why did I hear you
whispering about a
romantic evening together?
I heard the whole thing. Blair!
You're not a child. Men are
attracted to beautiful women.
And whether you like it or not, you're
gonna have that same problem too.
No, I won't. Because
I'm not gonna be like you.
No wonder you've
been married three times.
I-I'm ashamed to even
have a mother like you!
Blair! Blair!
Anyone for punch?
Pound cake? Mrs. Garrett.
- Hi.
- Hello, Mrs. Garrett.
- I guess I'm in for a lecture.
- Me, lecture? Ohh!
I just want to take a
well-earned break. Whew.
Good, cause nobody's changing
my opinion of my mother.
Well, I don't intend to. And I
don't see anyone else around.
I was right, you know.
She is having dinner with Mr. Branch
and whatever comes with dessert.
Coffee, no doubt. Ah!
- See, you agree with me
about my mother.
- Oh, no, no.
I was just checkin' somethin'
in this body-language book.
- You don't believe
that stuff, do you?
- Oh, I sure do.
Especially what it says
about you on page 63.
Okay, what does it say
about me on page 63?
Oh, the way your arms
folded, kind of like a judge.
You haven't sent
anyone up the river lately?
My mother deserves to be judged.
She's messed up a lot
of lives, including mine.
Oh, Blair, your life isn't
messed up. It's just begun.
Sure, and all I have to do is watch my
mother to see how I'm gonna end up...
With affairs and
broken marriages,
and my own daughter
ashamed of me.
May I approach the
bench, Your Honor?
Okay, so we both know your
mother's slightly flirtatious.
That's like saying the
Eiffel Tower is slightly tall.
But, you know, honey,
she's devoted to you.
Not every mother took the time to
come up here to see her daughter tonight.
But she came here for
you and for no other reason.
You know, Blair, I had to learn
that loving someone doesn't mean...
just loving the parts you like.
Loving means accepting the
whole package, warts and all.
If my mother ever had a wart,
she'd sue Elizabeth Arden.
And just because you're
also talented and beautiful...
doesn't mean you're going to
grow up just like your mother.
Come on, Mrs. Garrett.
You said it yourself.
The leaf never falls
far from the tree.
Oh, I did say that, didn't I?
Well, uh... Well, uh...
Oh, uh... But I didn't
tell you about the wind.
The wind? The wind.
Very often, a-a gentle wind...
takes the leaf with the
little seed attached...
and carries it high
above the forest...
until it lands on a
sunny, bright hill.
And then a strong,
new tree grows...
that's maybe not quite as
sappy as the tree it came from.
Oh, Blair, beauty doesn't
have to be a curse.
That's what I've always found.
You could be right. My
grandmother's beautiful,
and she's loved only my
grandfather for 52 years.
Aha. Of course, he is loaded.
Hey, your body
language says you're, uh,
beginning to feel a
little better about things.
How can you tell? Ohh,
you're beginning to relax.
Why, you're even beginning
to unclench your hair.
Mrs. Garrett? Oh, there you are.
Listen. Since Blair doesn't
want this dress anymore,
do you think you could show
me how to lengthen the hem?
Why are you both
looking at me that way?
Blair wants the dress back?
Well, easy come, easy go.
- Oh, Blair.
- Uh, where's my mother?
Did she leave?
Mmm. Oh, Blair.
You look beautiful.
Is that you,
Mother, in an apron?
Well, I thought it was about
time that I started acting...
a little bit like you
than you like me.
- You haven't cooked in years.
- You should have seen her.
She was fantastic.
Yeah, I did wonderfully,
once they showed me the difference
between stove and refrigerator.
Anyway, it was a good excuse to
spend some time with you girls...
and relive my school
days. Say, Mrs. Warner.
- Why don't you spend
the night tonight?
- Yeah, I got an extra nightie.
I could. There's nothing I'd rather
do than spend time with my daughter.
I'm sorry.
There are more sides to
you than I ever realized.
That's what's so special
about your mother.
She has all those sides.
And still keeping
all those curves.
All right, everybody. Sing!
♪♪
♪ There's a place you gotta go ♪
♪ For learning all you oughta
know about the facts of life ♪
♪ The facts of life ♪
♪ When your books are
what you're there about ♪
♪ But looks are
what you care about ♪
♪ The time is right to
learn the facts of life ♪
♪ When the world never seems ♪
♪ To be living up
to your dreams ♪
♪ It's time you
started finding out ♪
♪ What everything
is all about ♪♪