The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 8 - Prelude to a Kiss - full transcript

Haskell, it's Phil's big day.

Don't tell me
you forgot to buy him a gift.

Don't get your braids
in a knot, Mary Jane.

I'm covered.

Hey, there he is, huh?
The man of the hour.

Are you pumped?
Are you psyched?

I'm pumped, I'm psyched,

because as of today,
it is official.

The Phil Chase agency
is open for business!

Best part is, I'm Phil Chase.

Well, congratulations, Phil.



To commemorate
this special occasion.

Oh, there it is!
"The Phil Chase agency."

Must be official,
'cause brass don't lie.

Read the card.
Read the card.

Oh, okay.

It's very nice.
Thanks, guys.

"Guys"? "Guys"?
What do you mean, "guys"?

"Best of luck.
Stuart... and Haskell"?

You "and Haskell-ed" my gift?

Yes.
Just be grateful I included you.

You guys, my coffee maker...
Oh, what's going on?

We're celebrating.

It's Phil's first day
in business.

And that's why I'm here.



Congratulations, honey.

Holly, it's all right
if you forgot.

Forgot? Ha!

Your gift's coming,
and it is big,

and awesome and big.

And when you get it, you're gonna see
how big and awesome it is.

Oh, stop it.
You're welcome.

Well, I guess I better hit it.

Doors don't open
till the big dog gets in.

Oh, Phil, you know,
this really takes me back.

When I first opened
my dental office,

I was nothing but a
man with a dream

and a high-interest loan
from his father-in-law.

That bastard.

But now, I've got
a thriving practice

and a perfect
five-star yelp rating.

Look.

"Sloppy office.
Surly hygienist.

Stay away.
Zero stars."

What?
No, no, no, no, no, no.

What?
Who the hell is this "Lenny K"?

No.

One bad yelp review could destroy
everything that I've built.

Oh, you see? This is what I
get for going out on my own.

Now it could all
come crashing down,

and I'll be left with nothing,
absolutely nothing!

Oh, good luck
with your new agency.

The Exes

Hello?

Somebody!
A little help?

Eden? Is that you?

Surprise!

It's Holly's "I screwed up and
forgot to buy you a gift" gift.

Wow, look at this place.

Yeah, well, come on, let me give you
a tour of the Phil Chase agency.

First stop, it's me,
Phil Chase.

Now, if you'll follow me
this way.

This here is my office.
Pretty sweet, huh?

Italian leather couch,
kick-ass media center,

and of course, me...
Phil Chase.

Okay, this place is amazing.
You must've spent a fortune.

No, I borrowed a fortune.

So how many clients
do you have?

I got none.

- None?
- Not a one!

Aren't you a little nervous?

Hell no.
I'm terrified.

But you know what,
that's what you gotta do

if you want to compete
with the big agencies.

Well, I'm sure
you're gonna be great.

Hell, you're Phil Chase
of the Phil Chase agency.

And this is Arianna,

my new assistant,
here with my cappuccino.

Oh, you wanted one too?

Oh, you know what,
it's no big deal.

It's the first day,
that's... it's what happens.

Look, I need you to type up
this press release

and email it
to all my contacts, asap.

Okay.

Smokin', huh?
I met her in the club.

I am guessing that club
wasn't Mensa.

Ooh, it's Tracy Cooper.

Seriously?
The tennis player?

Yeah.
She left her agent,

and if I sign her,
I'm off and running.

Yeah, so, anyway,
this freaky, old wall street guy

tries to hit on me,
and I'm like, "ew."

- Uh, excuse me.
- But then,

his driver pulls up
in a Bentley,

and I'm like, "ooh!"

Um, didn't Phil ask you to...

On the phone.

Not anymore.

Whoa, drama.

Look, Phil asked you
to do something important,

so why aren't you doing it?

Is this 'cause I'm pretty?

Yes, it is because
you're so hot, and I want you...

To do your damn job!

You know what?
I don't need this.

My sex tape
is about to go viral.

All right, I got the meeting set up
with Tracy for tomorrow morning.

Things are happening.

Where's Arianna?

Oh, she sorta...
she quit.

She quit?
What... why... why would she quit?

She got into an argument
with someone.

From what I'm been able to piece
together, I think it was me.

Eden.

I couldn't help it,
she wasn't doing her job.

She was just sitting there,
looking hot.

That was her job!

Eden, I'm a sports agent.

Image is a big part
of what I do.

Okay, but you need
an assistant who gives a damn

and actually knows
what they're doing.

- You mean someone like you?
- Exactly...

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.

- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, yes, oh, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Look, come on, it'll only be
for a couple of days

until I find someone else.
Please?

What about Holly?
Remember her, six feet of scary?

How am I gonna tell her?

Here.

Say it with a basket!

Oh, Haskell,

you would not believe
the day I've had.

You're right, I wouldn't.
Keep walking.

I spent the day on yelp trying
to track down this Lenny K.

I've got to know
where I came up short,

what I did wrong.
I hate him for his harsh words,

and yet,
I yearn for his approval.

Shouldn't you be popping
out of a clock every half hour?

Where's your friend Phil?

- Hey, Holly, what's up?
- You know what's up!

You stole my little pixie.

Well, your little pixie
scared off my giant hottie.

Stop talking in code!

It's what mother did whenever
a new "Uncle daddy" moved in.

What am I supposed to do
for an assistant?

Get a temp
from the office pool.

I can't.
No one wants to work for me.

It's like they're all
afraid of me.

But why? Why?

I'll do it!
I'll be your assistant.

How can I say this
without hurting your feelings?

I guess I can't.
No frickin' way.

Holly, Holly, Holly!

Holly, please, I need cash.

And donating sperm
is a young man's game.

Holly, it'll just be
for a couple of days.

I really need Eden.
I'll do anything...

Typing, errands,
I'll even put out.

All right, all right,
you're hired.

Thank you, thank you.

And as for your offer
to put out,

how can I say this
without hurting your feelings?

I guess I can't.
I'd rather drink drano.

And yet, not a no.

Boing!

- Good morning, miss Franklin!
- Oh, Jesus!

Haskell, you scared
the crap out of me.

I'm sorry, I came in early
to familiarize myself

with your calendar,
your case load,

and to catch up
on office gossip.

FYI, Mr. Collins is tapping
one of the paralegals.

Ooh, that's juicy.
Who is it, Vicki? Simone?

No, don't tell me, I want to be
surprised when it blows up.

Is it Marilyn?

I knew it!

- You're not Eden.
- What gave it away?

I've been out a while.

Had a little
work-related accident.

Slipped in the hall
and wrenched my back.

Oh, so we're still going, huh?

Thanks to the firm's
disability insurance,

I was kept on full salary.

Spent six months on the couch,
watching TV

while the checks rolled in.

See ya.
Bup, bup, bup, bup.

Six months? TV?
Full pay?

Yeah, just glad to be back.

Who wants to get paid
to do nothing?

Forgive me.

I don't always see your plan.

Haskell, could I see you,
please?

Oh, good, you brought the mail.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah.

Oh, thanks.
You know,

it's almost like you're
one step ahead of me here.

All right, let's see.

I better sign this.

All righty.

Oh, good,
you found the broken lamp.

Could you call maintenance
and have that fixed for me?

Thanks, hon.
You know, Haskell,

I have to say, I'm impressed.

I thought you just wanted
to work here

so you could goof off
for a quick paycheck.

You obviously
don't know me at all.

Okay, leave that open.

Thanks.

I'm sorry,
but I can't wait any longer.

I've got five other agents
to meet today.

Tracy, I'm sure Phil
is gonna walk

through that door any second.

Are you sure I can't
get you anything else?

Look, I really appreciate
the latte, the fruit plate,

and the song from les miz.
You nailed it, but...

But I gotta fly.
Okay, but before you fly...

Morning, Eden!

- Tracy.
- Tracy, Phil Chase.

Great to meet you, Phil.

I've heard great things.
Gotta go.

Hey, whoa, where you going?
The meeting isn't till 11:00.

I called and changed it
to 10:00.

Eden said it was okay.

I did not know that.

Why did I not know that?

I do not know
why you did not know that.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I'm slammed

with agent meetings
all day, so...

Oh, no, wait.
Look, Tracy, uh,

I've followed your career since
you won your first junior open.

Okay, so please, I got
a whole game plan mapped out.

Just give me a shot.

Okay.
Let me make some calls

and see if I can shift
some things around.

Great, use my office.
Make yourself at home.

If you see anything
you like, keep it.

Eden.

Okay, okay.

What the hell, Eden?
Why would you change the meeting

without calling me?

Call you?
Oh, my God,

why didn't I think of th...
Of course I called you!

I called you, I texted.

- Well, I didn't get a message.
- Well, I sent, like, ten.

Well, I got, like, none.

So are you saying
this is my fault?

You heard me.

Excuse me?

You know what,
I sent those messages, okay?

I quit.

Did you get that one?
If not, I'll say it again.

I quit, I quit, I quit,
I quit, I quit.

Hey, you know what?
Go ahead, quit,

because if you would have sent
the messages,

I would've got them!

Unless my phone was turned off.

Okay,
I moved some stuff around.

How about
we meet at 5:00?

Pick the place,
and I'll be there.

Oh, perfect.
I'll be there first.

Oh, and make sure
to bring Eden.

Before I decide
who to sign with,

I like to get to know
the whole team.

Of course Eden will be there.
Why wouldn't she be?

Well, that's
three nasty words why.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Haskell, could you
get in here, please?

I can't find the file
on the Harris case.

You know, I think
I saw it on my desk.

I'll go check.
Oh, no, no, no.

It's in here somewhere.
It's hiding, mocking me.

When I find that file,

I'm gonna staple the crap
out of it.

Wait a minute,
I think you're right,

I think it is on your desk.

No!

You were right, here it is.

Son of a bitch!

I mean, are you all right?

Oh, there's my favorite lady.

Girl, you are looking good!

Save it.
You called, I'm here.

You have one minute.

I don't know
if a minute's enough time

to tell you how wrong I was.

You just bought yourself
ten more seconds.

- I was rude, ungrateful.
- Another ten.

What I'm trying to tell you is,

you were right and I was wrong.

Eden, I'm really sorry.

Well, if you're going
to be all sweet about it,

I guess I have
to accept your apology.

Thank you,
and there's one other

teeny, tiny, little thing.

Is that Tracy?

Yeah, that would be
the other thing.

Look, she really wanted you
to be here.

So you tricked me into coming.

I had to, I'm desperate.
Please, Eden, I need your help.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey!

There's my superstar!

Look at you,
with the Louis vuitton bag

and the Gucci glasses.

You been shopping?

No, I've been meeting.

These agencies have just been
throwing swag at me.

Eden, give her your purse.

Look, I don't have much time,
so we should probably...

Right, you know what?
I'll get to it.

Tracy, I know you're meeting
with a lot of big agencies,

but you can stop,
because if you sign with me,

you're getting in
at the ground floor

of the hottest new agency
in the country.

So how many offices
do you have?

Well, I'm headquartered
in New York right now,

but I have plans to open up
other offices in Chicago,

L.A., London, and...
Uh, a-Abu Dhabi.

Oh, I gotta take this.

Hello?

Abu Dhabi?

Go with it.
I'm selling her.

- You're losing her.
- What are you talking about?

She's not believing you,
and you know why?

'Cause you don't believe it.

Look, you can't compete
with these big agencies, okay,

but they don't have what
you have, Phil Chase.

How 'bout just selling him?

Please, Eden,
you don't know my business.

I'm sorry, this other agency wants to fly
me to Milan for fashion week on their jet.

You know, it's funny
you should mention that,

because, well, I've been
looking at jets lately.

Yeah, g4s, g5s,
the "h," "I," "j"s.

I get the picture.

Listen, it was really great meeting
you, Phil, but I gotta go.

Hey, Tracy, wait.

Can you give me
a second please?

All right, look, I don't own any
jets and I only have one office.

And if you sign with me,
I'll only have one client, you.

- One client?
- Yeah, but what you'll get

is a guy who's willing
to bust his ass for you 24/7

and tell you the truth, whether
you want to hear it or not.

The truth about what?

All right, I know
all these other agencies

are promising you
big endorsements, right?

But you're not going to get it
unless you up your game.

And forget fashion week.

You should be working
on your second serve.

- Excuse me?
- You're taking off

too much heat and you're
getting crushed on the returns.

But I promise you,
concentrate on your game

and the rest will come.

If you hire me, I'll be the guy
who makes it happen.

Let's see, I'd be your only client
and you think my game stinks.

Thanks, Phil.
I'll be in touch.

Is that what you
had in mind, Eden?

You know, if you hurry,
you can still give her my purse.

- Hi, can I help you?
- Yes.

I heard you've been looking for me.
I'm Lenny K.

Wait a minute, you're the person
who's been trashing me on yelp?

That's right, sweetie.

Just give me $100
and I'll change the rating.

I don't understand.

Oh, honey, it's extortion.
I'm scamming you.

This is unconscionable!

You should be ashamed
of yourself!

I am, but I need the money.

My husband passed on.

I have nothing
and no one to help me.

I'm sorry.
Here, look, you know what?

Just... Here, take 150.
It's okay.

Thank you.

See?
That was another scam.

Toughen up, sweetheart.
Grow a pair.

It's crazy.

I mean,
it's just a small bruise,

and the firm's
insisting I take a week off.

It should've been me.
It should've been me!

Haskell, that's so sweet.

But I'll be fine.

I'll just put my feet up
and watch TV for a week.

Hey, you know what?
It's kind of like

I'm being paid to do nothing.

It isn't fair.
Why can't I ever catch a break?

You okay?

Eden, what the hell
was I thinking?

Quitting my job,
borrowing all that money,

and then opening up this place?

Well, if you're looking for me
to feel sorry for you,

I'm not gonna do it.

Not even a little?

Not going there.

Look, you may lose this client.

You may lose this office.

You may end up broke.

But?

Eden, please tell me
there's a "but" coming soon.

But... eventually,
you're gonna make it.

Phil Chase.

Oh, hey, Tracy.

Okay.
Thank you for calling.

It's all right.
You'll get the next one.

I got that one.

What?

You were right.

Tracy said all the other agents
were blowing smoke,

and I was the only one with the
guts to tell her the truth.

So she's gonna sign?

Hell yeah, she's gonna sign!
I got my first client!

You got a client!

Well, congratulations.

Yeah, thank you.

- I'm gonna...
- Yeah, uh-huh.