The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - True Lies - full transcript

Previously on the exes...

Phil got fired,
holly overheated...

My bedroom's on fire.

And Haskell hooked up
with his ex.

We have connubed.

- Holly got dumped...
- Hi, Paul.

Stuart dated a man-eater.

Call me, baby.

Holly went out
with a teen wolf...

Whoa.

Then Phil kissed Eden.
Eden denied it.



What? Weird?
Me and Phil?

Phil and me?
Weird?

Until...

Look who I bumped into.

And now...

All right, later, Haskell.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Not so fast.

I think it's time we addressed.

The little matter
of you and Eden.

Sneaking around and having sex.

Right under our noses.

- What about it?
- Way to go.

Yeah!
[Laughter]



- Pow.
- That is a relief.

'Cause I thought we were
gonna have to get into it.

You know, I thought we were
gonna have to talk about it,

- share our feelings.
- Are you kidding?

We're guys.

We already
talked about it too much.

Okay, I've cleared my morning.

And we are going to share
our feelings about last night.

There may be tears.
That's healthy.

It's part of
the healing process.

So...
[Clears throat]

Let's use our words to talk.

And our hearts to listen.

I'll go first.

I'll go second.

Eden, could you
come in here, please?

- Yes?
- I need the transcript.

For the Randall deposition.

Oh, I thought
you were finally ready.

To talk about me and Phil.

What? There's nothing
to talk about.

Everything's fine.

- Here's the transcript.
- What?

Oh, look at that.

It was behind my back
the whole time.

Don't I feel silly,
foolish, deceived.

Holly,
can we please talk already.

And stop all this weirdness?

There's nothing weird
going on.

Everything's fine.

And from now on,
I'd really prefer you.

To call me miss Franklin.

- Miss Franklin?
- Yes, Eden?

No, I mean, why would
I call you miss Franklin?

I thought we were friends.

Oh.
[Laughs]

Friends, huh?

Well, a friend doesn't
keep secrets from a friend.

A friend also doesn't
make a friend.

Feel like an idiot
when they ask.

What's going on
and they tell them "nothing."

And most importantly, a friend
does not need a booster seat.

That was a cheap shot.

A friend can also be a bitch.

Come on, why didn't you tell me.

What was going on
with you and Phil?

Because I was nervous, okay?

It's a little weird
dating someone in this group.

I mean, you guys
tell each other everything.

Until I knew
where it was going,

I didn't want anyone to know.

I'm not anyone.
I'm your best friend.

You're right, okay?

I should have trusted you.

I'm really sorry.

I'm inclined
to accept your apology.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

Oh.
[Laughs]

Oh, come on, tell me everything
about you and Phil.

- What's it like?
- It is fantastic.

I haven't felt this way
about a guy in--in a long time.

I mean, he is funny.
He's charming.

He even smells great.

The dude has more lotions
than I do...

- [Sighs]
- And waxes more too.

Everyone knows that.

Give me something juicy.

Make me go--
[Gasps]

Well, what do you wanna know?

Well, what do you think?

What's it like in the boudoir?

That is a little personal.

Mm, that's why I'm asking.

Come on, give me the deets.

Do I hold back on my sex life
from you?

You mean you don't?

Okay, all right.

The sex is awesome.

- Yeah.
- It is incredible.

Mind-blowing.

Although...

Although?
What?

What?
What, what, what?

Okay, you better
not tell anyone.

- What?
- Okay.

Sometimes, occasionally,

once in a blue, blue moon,

I kind of, sort of...

Fake an orgasm.

Now that's a frickin' deet.

No, don't get me wrong.
Phil is great in bed.

He's just--
he's just a little needy.

He just wants to know
that each time.

Is more amazing than the last,

so it is.

And he doesn't
suspect anything?

Please.
I mix it up, okay?

I have the high squeal...
[Squeals]

High squeal with lip bite...
[Moans]

And his personal favorite:

Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Oh, oh, oh, yes!

Wow.

Not done yet.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Grunts]

Man, I need a smoke.

- ♪ Dee, doo, Dee, doo

- ♪ Dee, doo, Dee, doo

- ♪ doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

I give to you
my latest creation,

Jamon Iberico y Chorizo.

Oh.

This dish hails
from the Spanish region.

- Of La Rioja...
- Ah.

Home of the world's
finest ham...

- Yeah.
- And as an interesting--

Just give me the food!

[Laughs]

Forgive me
for trying to nourish.

The body and the mind.

So how is it?

Oh, Stuart.

Oh.

Stuart.

You are amazing.

- Hello.
- Oh.

I thought you'd like to know.

That all is good
between me and Eden,

proving once again
that friendship.

Is indeed
a two-way street.

She apologized,
and I forgave her.

Oh.

Oh, Phil.

Oh, Phil!
[Sighs]

There they go again.

I for one liked it better
when they were sneaking around.

It was a lot quieter.

All night, all we hear.

Are Eden's squeals of delight.

It sounds like an orgy
in toontown.

Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.

Oh, oh, oh.
Yes!

- Finally, it's over.
- Not yet.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
[Grunts]

- How'd you know that?
- How'd I know what?

That the party
wasn't over yet.

Because we're women.
That's what we do.

It's how it's done.
Good day, gentlemen.

Not so fast, sister.

Something's goin' on here.

- Nothing's going on.
- All right.

Then you spill it
or we talk to squeaky.

When she comes up for air.

Okay, but you have
to promise me.

You won't tell Eden
I said anything.

She'd kill me if you knew.

The fact that you would
even think that wounds me.

Okay.

Well, Eden sometimes...

- Mm-hmm.
- Occasionally...

Yeah?

Once in a very blue,
blue moon...

Mm-hmm.

- Fakes it.
- [Gasps]

Fakes what?

A stomachache
to get out of gym.

What do you think?

Oh.

[Laughs]

You still don't get it,
do you?

- Not a clue.
- Yeah.

Eden fakes her orgasms
with Phil.

- Hi, hi.
- Oh, hi.

- Hi.
- [Giggles]

I didn't even know
you were here.

Really? 'Cause my ears
are still ringin'.

- Phil!
- What?

What? I'm just happy
everything's out in the open.

Everybody knows everything.

Yes, we do.

- [Laughs] Bye, guys.
- Bye, Eden.

Hey, I hope you don't mind me.

- Being around so much.
- Oh, of course not.

It's nice having a woman
around here.

Besides Stuart.

Okay.
Mwah.

Hey, so I'm sorry if it
got a little loud last night,

but when you keep knockin' it
out the park,

the crowd's
gonna make some noise.

Or the crowd is faking it

'cause it wants to roll over
and go to sleep.

Haskell, hush.
He'll hear you.

Well, maybe he deserves to.

Maybe the champ
is just in a slump.

It would help if I could see
the game films.

Okay.
Now, you listen to me.

We made a promise to Holly,
and we're gonna keep it.

Besides, would you
have wanted to know.

If your ex-wife
faked her orgasms?

Hey, what she did on
her own time was her business.

Well, my ex-wife
never had to fake it.

Not to be coarse,
but I knew exactly.

How to put the blush
in her cheeks.

Or you thought you did.

Women are the greatest actors
on earth.

"Oh, Stuart.

"It's so good.

You're amazing."

Wait a minute.

I know that
"oh, Stuart."

That's the same voice you use
when you eat my food.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

You--oh, my God.

You've been faking foodgasms
with me.

Haven't you?
Haven't you?

Well, not every meal.

I mean, just once in a--
in a blue, blue moon.

[Gasps] How could you?

I'm sorry.
Not every dish gets me there.

[Sighs]

What are you two
arguing about?

I thought that Haskell
liked my cooking.

It turns out
he's been faking it.

Stuart, really?
You couldn't tell?

"Oh, Stuart.

"Oh, Stuart!

"Oh!
Mm, mm, mm, mm!"

- You're one naive little dude.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, Eden fakes orgasms
with you.

- Jeez!
- What?

Where did that come from?

Eden told Holly who told us.

Why would Eden say that?
[Laughs]

I mean, no woman
has to fake an orgasm.

When she's with Phil Chase.

But of course, I don't have
to tell you guys that.

No, no, of course not.

I'm serious.
If there's one thing

I know how to do,
it's satisfy a woman.

Okay, I've gotten flowers,

champagne, an iPad.

I've gotten notes that said,

"thank you
for the orgasm, Phil."

Yeah, you're the king.

You damn skippy I'm the king.

Hey, Eden.
What's up?

I bought you
a little present.

- Really?
- It's a friendship bracelet.

- Aw.
- It's my way of saying

I'm sorry for keeping you
in the dark about Phil and me.

I should have known
I can trust you with anything.

Oh, Eden,
I don't deserve this.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I really don't.

Hey, Eden.

Hey, Phil.
What are you doin' here?

I just need to talk to you
for a sec.

I'm sorry, Phil,
but it's divorce season,

and there's a lot
of hate out there,

so no can do.
[Laughs]

I can do.

I won't be long.

Phil, is everything okay?

Oh, yeah.
Everything's great.

I was just in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd drop by
and say "hi."

- Hi.
- Hi.

Do you fake orgasms with me?

What?

Huh? What?

Where did you hear
a crazy thing like that?

Well, Holly
told Stuart and Haskell,

and then they told me.

- Holly, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

Okay, look.

I only told her that because
she was so upset with me.

For keeping us a secret.

I had to give her something
to prove how close we are,

so I lied
and I threw her a bone.

I'm sorry if it upset you.

Me? Upset?
Why--why--why would I be upset?

It's not like I ever
thought it was true.

[Laughs]

'Cause it's not, right?

Of course not.

I knew that.

Phil, you know
you do it for me.

- Big-time.
- And you do it for me.

All right.
I'm out.

You blabbermouth!

I can't believe
you told Haskell and Stuart.

I'd rather be a blabbermouth.

- Than a lying bone-thrower.
- What?

You're angry at me?
How dare you.

How dare I?
How dare you.

Okay, you know,
this is exactly why

I didn't tell you
about Phil and me.

I knew you'd end up
telling the others.

What kind of friend are you?

The kind of friend that
doesn't like to be lied to.

In fact, here.

I'm un-friending
your friendship bracelet.

Good.
You don't deserve it, Holly.

From now on,
it's miss Franklin.

Now get back to work
and bring me a coffee.

What shall I put in it?

On second thought,
I'll get it myself.

Hey, stu.

I was walking by
the flower shop,

and I thought
you might like these.

There's a vase
in the cupboard.

Are you doing something
different with your hair?

Well, if you must know,
I've been leaving.

The conditioner on
for an extra 90 seconds.

Well, it sure shows.

What's for din-din?

Nothing for you.

There's no way
you're getting in my pans.

Aw.

You're not still upset
about this morning, are you?

Upset? About you pretending
to like my food?

No, I would say more like hurt,
deceived, and betrayed.

And I will have
to live with that pain.

For the rest of my life.

Shall I get the forks?

Not gonna happen.

Aw, come on.
Let me have a little taste.

No, no, get away.

Uh, let me lick the spatula.

- No.
- Come on, let me lick--

- Hey, Haskell--
- Let me--let me lick it!

There they are,

the world's biggest big mouths.

I cannot believe you guys
blabbed to Phil about Eden.

Friends don't repeat things
they're told in confidence.

Isn't that what you did
when you told us?

- That was different.
- How?

Isn't it obvious?

- No.
- Well, then, you're an idiot.

And I'm not gonna take the time
to explain it.

Well, just spoke to Eden.

Turns out
she was not faking it.

Not that it needs to be said,

but the Phil express always
gets his ladies to happy town.

- Yeah, Phil, I know.
- How do you know?

I overheard Eden
telling you, which means.

My best friend lied to me.

But the important thing is
my girlfriend didn't lie to me.

So, just to recap,
Eden, fake, never.

- Unless--
- unless what?

Unless what?

Unless Eden
told Holly the truth.

And lied to you.

- That's ridiculous.
- Or is it?

Well, she's lying
to one of you.

The question is, which one?

- Him.
- Her.

- No.

All of us.

Given the fact that she knew
that we have no secrets.

Between us,
by lying to one of us,

she was lying to all of us.

Look, there's only one person.

Who knows the truth,
and that's Eden.

And there's only one way
to get it out of her.

We set up Eden
to a lie detector test.

Great, and where are
we supposed to get one of those?

I guess we're gonna
have to walk.

All the way to under my bed.

- What?
- I was a licensed.

Polygraph technician
for the City of hoboken.

Ironically, they used one on me.

When they discovered one
was missing.

You're not really considering
doing this, are you?

Oh, Stuart's right,
we should take the high road.

And put this all behind us.

- Really?
- No.

We're hookin' her up.
Oh!

Eden's gonna be here
any minute.

- Is that thing ready yet?
- All set.

So how do we know this thing
even works?

Well, sit up.
Let's see.

Okay.
I got nothin' to hide.

This should only take
a minute.

- Okay.
- There we go.

Put that around there like that.
- All right.

Well, watch your ha--
watch the hands.

All right.

Uh, I'm gonna ask you
some baseline questions.

All right?

Is your name Holly Franklin?

Yes.

Do you live in apartment 4g?

Yes.

As our landlord,
do you make a profit.

Off the rent you charge us?

- No.
- There's a lie.

What?

You said it just covered
your mortgage.

- I have hidden expenses.
- There's another lie.

- Oh!
- You slumlord!

Holly, I can't believe--

- Hi, hi.
- Hey!

There she is, guys.

That's my girlfriend Eden.

Come right on in.

What is going on?
What is this thing?

Uh, that there,
that's a lie detector.

- A what?
- A lie detector.

See, uh, Haskell has one,

and we're all havin' fun.

- You want to give it a try?
- No, I don't.

Why? I did it.
We're all doing it.

It'll be fun.
Strap her in.

Yeah, baby.
Baby, do it for me.

Sit down, my dear.

You people
are out of your minds.

Don't you think I know
what is going on?

You set this whole thing up
to see if I was lying to Phil.

All: What?

Fine.
You want to know so bad?

I'll tell you.
Yes.

I have faked it.

So you lied to me?

Which means
you didn't lie to me.

Happy now, Holly?

I'd be lying
if I didn't say "kinda."

You know what?
I can't do this.

Dating one of you
is like dating all of you.

All: Oh, come on.
- [Laughs]

- Eden--
- No, Phil.

I'm done.

- Can we come in?
- I suppose.

- No, I mean, is it possible?
- Oh, my--

Jeez.

Wait.

Who built this place?
Frodo baggins?

It's called
a micro-apartment.

You want me
to have a bigger place?

Give me a bigger paycheck.

Actually, it's very lovely.

So this is really
where you live?

No, Stuart,
this is my Barbie dream house.

Look, Eden, I don't blame you.

For being mad at me.

I'm a lousy, crappfriend
with a big mouth.

No argument here.

And you were right.

We are way too involved
in each other's lives.

I mean, we've decided
we are gonna set.

Some boundaries
and give you some room.

- Who's elbow's in my back?
- Uh, it could be mine.

- Eden, I'm sorry,

I never should have stuck.

My big nose into your orgasms.

Funny. On the way over here,
that sounded appropriate.

Eden, please.
Don't blame Phil.

I mean, the--the whole
lie detector thing.

Was my stupid idea.

We--we had no right
getting into your business.

And--and like Holly said,
we're gonna give you your space.

I appreciate that, Haskell.

[Knocks on door]

Ooh.

- Oh, I'll just--
- sorry.

Oh.

[Thud]
- Ow.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can I come in?

What are you guys doing here?

They're givin' us our space.

I need to speak
to you, Eden...

In private.

Oh, I'll be
in the dining room.

Yeah, I'll--I'll go
to the living room.

I'll be in the foyer.

Eden, I'm sorry.

I don't know how this
all got so messed up.

I guess I couldn't
deal with the fact.

Every time
wasn't great for you.

Are you kidding me?

Phil, our sex life is amazing.

Okay, the only reason
I did what I did.

Was because I didn't
want to let you down.

How could you possibly
let me down?

My ego isn't that fragile.

But every other time
was real, right?

Oh, yeah.

All I know
is I'm crazy about you.

- He is.
- He never shuts up about you.

- He tells us all the time.
- Space!

I'm crazy about you too.

So we're good?

On one condition.

From now on, we gotta be.

honest with each other, okay?

And tell these people nothing.

Yeah, you hear that?
You get nothing.

We're telling you nothin'!

- Smart move.
- We can't be trusted.

- Not in the least.
- No, don't, don't tell us.

Okay, thank you.

Now we're good.

Stuart, don't you think.

That it's time
that you forgave me?

I mean, all I did
was fake enthusiasm.

For an occasional entree.

You just don't get it,
do you?

My ex-wife lorna also said
she loved my cooking.

She said she loved my dancing.

She said she loved me.

Right up until the minute
she left me,

and I never saw it coming.

Well, I'm not Lorna.

And I'm not going anywhere.

I need honesty
in my life, Haskell.

I need to know
exactly where I stand.

Okay. Okay.

I think your lobster chowder
is too creamy,

and your pasta primavera
is limp and lifeless.

You really mean that?

I'm afraid I do.

Thank you.
[Laughter]

- Ow.
- Ooh!

Okay, let's get outta here.

My roommate's gonna be home
any second.