The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - How the Grinch Spent Xmas - full transcript

Ah.

Don't you just love this time of year?

Ah, the smell of pine in the air,

the presents under the
tree, smiles from strangers.

Any chance you could dial down the twinkle?

Well, excuse my merriment,
but thanks to Holly,

It's the first time we're all
celebrating Christmas together.

I just want it to be perfect.

I'm sorry, it's just that I just
got off the phone with mother.

Ooh, what did she say when you told
her you weren't joining her this year?

She said, "Haskell, you're
an ungrateful parasite



Who destroyed my body and wrecked my life."

[Mimics inhaling cigarette]

Then I told her I wasn't
coming, and things got ugly.

- What's happening?
- What happened?

I thought you were out
getting a present for Eden.

Oh, dude, I choked.

Giving a woman a gift is a minefield.

If you give her workout
clothes, it's, "What am I, fat?"

If you give her a beauty treatment,
it's, "What am I, hideous?"

You give her cash, it's,
"What am I, a hooker?"

[Laughs]

And then you don't get sex,

which is ridiculous because
you just paid for it.

See, there's only one way to play this.



I gotta find out what Eden got me,

and I'm gonna match it.

[Door opens] Merry hi, hi.

- Hey.
- Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas, Eden.

Oh, I forgot to hang the mistletoe.

What is that hanging off of it?

Listerine.

'Tis the season to be kissing,

so you might as well
have fresh, tingly breath

with the mouthwash that
more dentists recommend.

Can't you leave it at
the office for one night?

I don't know, Haskell. Is
bacteria taking the night off?

Looks like someone did
a little bit of shopping.

Well, someone did.

Nothing warms the heart like
giving gifts to the people you love.

Well, you forgot to wrap Holly's.

Screw Holly. Those are for me.

Oh.

- So I'm guessing one of these is mine.
- Oh, you're guessing right.

But which one?

Which one?

No, seriously, which one?

I'm not telling you. That
would ruin the surprise.

I'm hungry.

Where are the eats?

"The eats"?

That's how you refer to the seven-course
L'Escoffier feast I've prepared?

Excuse me.

Where are le eats?

Dinner will be served when Holly arrives.

Where is Holly?

Oh, her flight from London landed late.

Poor thing, traveling on Christmas Eve.

She must be miserable.

[Laughs]

Oh, that's hysterical. [Sighs]

Come on, Holly. I'm not that funny.

I think that must be the jet lag.

Oh, trust me. It's you.

The Exes S03E12
How the Grinch Spent Xmas

So this female humpback
whale had become entangled

in... in hundreds of
pounds of crab netting.

- Oh.
- So I swam out

and I cut it free with my knife.

- Ah.
- Then, amazingly,

she swam back and actually

brushed me with her head

as if to say, "thank you."

Oh. But she's out of
the picture now, right?

Trust me, she had nothing on you.

Mm. [Chuckles]

I feel so lucky that you
sat next to me on the plane.

Oh, my God, I usually get the guy
who asks for the seat belt extender.

[Both laugh]

Well, I had my eye on
you since pre-boarding.

Well then, I'm glad I wasn't
wearing my circulation socks.

[Both laugh] Who's funny now?

Ye... Yes, yes. That was a joke.

- [Cell phone rings]
- Ooh, I gotta take this.

Sorry, I'll just be a sec.

Yeah, no worries. I'm gonna
get another immigration form.

Okay. Hello.

- Holly, where are you?
- In heaven.

I just spent the last seven hours

flying across the Atlantic

with the most amazing guy.

He's gorgeous. He's smart.
Even whales are hot for him.

Well, good for you.

Listen, he's in town to give a
talk about environmental activism,

and he's got nowhere to go for Christmas.

Can I bring him to our party?
Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?

Hang on. Hey, Holly met a guy.
It's cool if he joins us, right?

- Yeah, sure, whatever.
- Uh, I don't know.

I would have to rearrange
all the place settings.

I suppose I could put him on the end.

And if he's left-handed,
that's no problem.

I'll just kill myself.

Stuart says the more the merrier.

Great. Bye.

That was my friends.

Listen, we're having this
little Christmas thing.

Actually, the whole thing
was my idea, and I was...

I'd love to.

Really?

Next.

[Clears throat]

Good day.

I'm sorry, sir. Your
passport has been flagged.

You're kidding.

Does this have anything
to do with that incident

with the Norwegian whaling ship?

All I know, sir, is I cannot
allow you entry at this time.

Of course you can. He's
got a party to go to.

Ma'am, please step back.

Since when did this country start
turning away hot, available men?

This is not the America I know.

So in answer to your question, sir, no.

I will not step back.

- Security.
- I'm stepping back.

Haskell, the stores are closing soon.

I need you to find out what
Eden got me so I can match it.

Trust me.

Christmas presents only
lead to tears and heartache.

As a boy, every year, I used to beg mother
for a set of G.I. Joe walkie-talkies,

and she'd laugh and say,

"What are you gonna do
with a walkie-talkie?

Don't you need a friend at the other end?"

[Mimics inhaling cigarette]

So you'll talk to Eden for me?

- Sure.
- Thanks, buddy.

Someone better talk Stuart down.

His pepper mill jammed.

Grind, bitch, grind.

I'm on it. Haskell.

Oh.

[Hums]

So Christmas, huh?

You know, with all the crass materialism,

people forget that it began
with a baby in a manger.

So what are you gettin' Phil?

Why do you want to know?

I want to make sure we're not
gettin' him the same thing.

Well, you don't have to
worry about that, okay?

Mine is kinda sexy.

As is mine. You'll have
to be more specific.

Okay, don't tell Phil, but
I made him a hot, sexy video.

Santa must have got my letters.

Now I know exactly what to get her...

Me, naked, shaking it.

I think I'll call it "hot chocolate."

* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

* Fa, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la *

* 'Tis the season to be jolly *

* Fa, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la *

* Follow me through merry measure *

* Fa, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la *

* While I sing of yuletide treasure *

* Fa, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la *

[sighs] Bad news.

My people tried, but they're
not gonna let me in the country.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Looks like I'm spending Christmas here.

I guess this is good-bye.

I don't want to say good-bye.

Me neither.

* Fa, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la *

* Sing we joyous all together *

* Fa, la, la, la, la, la *

* La, la, la *

- Hey, Phil.
- [Screams]

Hey, Phil.

Holly's on the phone.
She wants to talk to us.

And... and no pressure, but
most of us are wearing pants.

Okay, Holly, we're all here.

Hi, everyone. Merry Christmas.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

Please tell me you're on the way.

Tiny hiccup.

It turns out they're not
letting Derek into the country,

so I was kinda sorta hoping

it would be okay if I just
spent Christmas here with him.

ALL: What?

Wha... No, it was your idea that
we all have Christmas together.

Yeah, Holly, you're the one that
convinced Phil and me to cancel our trip

to that cabin in the berkshires.

Yeah, I gave up cabin sex, Holly.

Cabin sex.

And I left mother alone
with nothing to comfort her

but her Internet cockfights.

Look, I would never ask
if it wasn't important,

but this guy's incredible.

I mean, I really think there
might be something there.

But I'm not gonna stay
without your blessing.

Well, in answer to your
question, Holly, no.

You do not have our... Tough, I'm staying.

[Scoffs]

Aw, that would be great.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

That was the resort.

It turns out our cabin's still available.

- Really?
- Really.

Now if Holly's gonna
bail, why shouldn't we?

Stuart wants to know where the
pepper mi... what's goin' on?

Nothing's going on.

You want out of here, don't you?

- What makes you think that?
- Because I do too.

The guilt of leaving mother
alone is eating me alive.

If I leave now, I could be home in time

to see her turn the power
hose on the carolers.

All right, let's bounce.

Wait, no, you guys, we
can't just bail on Stuart,

you know how much this means to him.

Ah, she's right.

Let's give the little drummer
boy some yuletide spirit

and then get the hell outta here.

Right.

- How long can it take?
- Yeah.

[Ringing bell]

Okay, it's time for the official
unveiling of this evening's activities.

- Whoa.
- What?

This is a whole lot of Christmas.

Well, luckily, we have all night.

Now, first up is everyone's favorite...

Cookie decorating.

I've supplied one Santa
cookie for each of you

and frostings in a variety of holiday hues.

Enjoy.

- Done.
- Done.

Done.

- I didn't do my cookie...
- Done.

- You did my cookie.
- Merry Christmas.

What's next?

All right, my speedy little elves.

Next up is the musical portion
of the evening... Caroling.

On your scrolls, you
will find silent night.

In past years, I sang the German
version, Stille Nacht... [Chuckles]

But to be honest with you,
it frightened the neighbors.

So... so I'll begin, and when
I signal to you... [Blows tuner]

That's your cue to join in.

* Silent night *

BOTH: * Holy night *

- * All is calm *
- ALL: * All is bright *

* Round yon virgin mother and child *

* Holy infant, so tender and mild *

* Sleep in heavenly *

- [sustained]
- * peace *

* Sleep in heavenly peace *

Okay, that wasn't exactly
the tempo I had in mind.

Just trying to keep things lively.

So come on, come on. What's next? Hit me.

Next up is piping hot chocolate

and favorite childhood Christmas memory.

- Mm.
- I'll go first.

Seven, first bike.

Nine, easy bake oven.

Age 1 through 32, hell on earth.

- No... don't...
- Mm!

- Mother...
- [Screams]

- Oh.
- What is going on?

[Mumbling] What makes you
think something's going on?

You guys are just trying to
get out of here, aren't you?

No, no, Stuart. Look, we
don't mean to run out on you.

It's just when Holly blew us
off, it kinda killed the mood.

I guess we don't mean that much to her.

Aw, let's face it.

Holly ruined Christmas.

You're right.

Now I don't even feel like making
reindeer antlers out of balloons.

Unless you guys want... No.

- No, no, we're good.
- Yeah, you're right.

No, forget it. You know what?

Let's just open up our
gifts and get outta here.

Ugh, here.

Here's one. "To Haskell, from Holly."

Ah, I shouldn't even
give her the satisfaction,

but, well, since there
is a little tear in it.

Oh, my God.

It's the G.I. Joe walkie-talkies
I always dreamed about.

She remembered.

Let's see. "To Phil and Eden."

Also from Holly.

Aw, it's a gift card to that
resort in the berkshires.

She gave us back cabin sex.

Hey, Stuart, this one is to you from Holly.

Yeah, no paltry little gift is gonna
make up for what she did to me today...

Oh, it's a scrapbook!

Ah.

Look, look. "Stuart's new life."

It's a picture of me on the day

I moved in with you guys.

And... ugh. Oh, look.

There's our first shopping list! [Laughs]

I can't believe you guys
didn't have coriander.

[Laughter]

We are a bunch of ungrateful bastards.

I can't believe how selfish we are.

I mean, how could we deny
her a chance at finding love?

At her age, she can't afford to
pass up a grope on the subway.

We never should have made her choose
between Derek and having Christmas with us.

Well, who says she can't have both?
How about we bring Christmas to her?

That's a good idea.

Let's pack up this stuff
and take it to the airport.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you insane?

I can't pack up and
move a seven-course meal.

I thought this was the season of miracles.

Or are those just meaningless words
you had printed on our toilet paper?

You're right.

If the three wise men can cross the
desert to bring gifts to baby Jesus,

I can schlep a rib roast to JFK.

Yes!

Well, all I could find were
these vending machine sandwiches.

- Oh.
- I have looked

into the gaping mouth of a great white,

and I gotta be honest with you.

This thing scares the hell out of me.

[Laughs]

At least it's christmassy.

I mean, the meat's turned green.

[Laughs]

Holly, I'm so glad you're here.

This might sound weird,
but this is actually

one of the nicest
christmases I've ever had.

Yeah, me too.

- Is something wrong?
- Oh, no.

No, I'm fine. I... It's just my friends.

I'm thinking about them.

I got into this weird argument with them.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

You know, you'd think
they'd be happy for me.

I finally meet a great guy,

not that it happens that rarely.

I mean, it happens a
lot, sometimes too much.

It's like, "slow down, everyone.
Take a number," you know?

Well, I didn't mean it like that.
It's not like I get passed around.

Could you just kiss me
so I shut up, please?

Yeah.

[Cell phone rings]

Mm. Sorry.

Hello.

Really?

That's fantastic.

Okay, thanks, mate. I owe you.

Looks like Costa Rica
has agreed to let me in.

Well, that's... That's great news, I guess.

Come with me.

- What?
- Come on.

We'll spend Christmas together.

I can't just get on a
plane and fly to Costa Rica.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Well... why not?

Wh... why... Why the hell not?

Yeah, I got nothin' keeping me here.

Let's go.

[Sighs]

- Got it?
- Yeah.

Oh, here you are, sir.

Merry Christmas. Stay warm.

I'm not homeless.

I'm just on layover.

G.I. Joe to sarge. G.I. Joe to sarge.

Any sightings of long legs?

Over.

No, Haskell. I haven't seen her.

Use your field-issued radio, soldier.

Over.

Really? We're doing this?

I waited 40 years to get these.
Now play with me, damn it.

Over.

Hard to believe you didn't
have friends as a child.

- Over.
- Copy that.

- I can't find her.
- Me neither.

And she's not answering her cell.

Well, this turned out great.

No cabin, no Holly.

Here, maybe this will cheer you up.

Merry Christmas, Phil.

This doesn't look like a sexy video.

Well, I knew you were snooping,

so I told Haskell that to
throw you off the scent.

Oh.

- What's this?
- Workout clothes.

You got me workout clothes.

What are you saying?

You think I'm fat?

No, no. You have a smokin' bod.

Well, you're not seeing it tonight.

Well, no sign of Holly.

You think she went off with that guy?

Guys, it looks like we're
spending Christmas without her.

Wha...

What are you guys doin' here?

I have a visual on long legs.

Over.

I see you got my gift.

- We all did.
- They were awesome.

Yeah, they were a lot
more awesome than we were.

So to make up for it,

we brought Christmas to you.

I don't know what to say.

So, where's Derek?

I'm dying to meet him. Yeah.

He's on his way to Costa Rica.

He asked me to go with him,

but the closer I got to the gate,

the more I realized

it just wasn't gonna feel like Christmas

unless we were all together.

Merry Christmas, guys.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Permission to cry. Over.

Permission granted.

Say over.

I don't want to say over. It's stupid.

- No, you're stupid.
- No, you're stupid.

- [Both arguing]
- All right, all right.

You'll get these back after dinner.

Hey. Uh...

I'm sorry I overreacted.

I loved your gift.

And I think you're gonna love mine.

- Ooh.
- As a matter of fact,

I am sending it to you now.

[Cell phones chiming]

* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

What is this?

How'd you guys get that?

You group messaged us, dummy.

* 'Tis the season to be jolly *

[Laughter]

Oh, no!

I sent this to everyone I know.

My Nana's on this list.

Oh!