The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 15 - Starting Over - full transcript

Hey, Haskell, would you...

Would you mind tidying up your workspace?
My sister's gonna be here any minute.

Oh, is that today?

It completely slipped my mind.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Listen, guys, I really appreciate

you letting Nicki stay
here while she gets a job,

finds her own place.

As you know, starting over after
a marriage ends is no picnic.

Yeah, sure, I'm cool with it.

But just know, now that
Eden and I are broken up,



there might be a few
girls coming and going.

Yeah.

Actually, more than a few.

Actually, I might need a
velvet rope and a bouncer.

[Laughter]

Okay, all right, all right, understood.
Understood. [Knock at door]

I got it.

- Hi.
- Hey.

50 bucks for a cab from Staten Island,

and the stinking driver
wouldn't even help me with my bags.

You guys on strike? Help me with my bags.

- Ooh, I got it. I got it, I got it.
- Thank you, Haskell.

I'm Haskell.

Nicki, on behalf of Haskell
and Phil and myself,



I would like to officially
welcome you to your new life...

All right, what are you,
dedicating a bridge?

Can't you just give me
a kiss and say hello?

- Well, I suppose I could.
- No, no, no, no, no, "hello".

It's one word.

Hello.

Mwah.

I'm just sorry that Holly's not here
to help you navigate your divorce.

Ugh, what's to navigate?

We can divvy up our assets by playing
a game of rock, paper, scissors.

Hey, Phil.

- Hey, Nicki.
- Hi, I'm Carol.

Well, Carol's just leaving.
I'll call you, baby.

- Wait, wait.
- Wait, what? What?

I want to thank you guys
for letting me crash here,

so tonight I'm taking
you all out for drinks.

- You too, Carol.
- I'd love that.

- Me too.
- Ooh!

So I'll see you tonight, baby.

You guys are adorable.

- How long have you been seeing each other?
- Longer than I thought.

All right, well, better go get my bags.

Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it.

- There you go.
- Haskell, she's staying

in my bedroom, not yours.

Oh, silly me.

S03E15
Starting Over

Hi. What can I get you, beautiful?

- Well, it's about time. I'll have an...
- He was talking to me.

I'm Eden. Hi.

If I had known there was
a new, cute bartender,

I would have worked on my pouty look.

Well, actually I'm a bartender/actor.

How about we improv a scene
where you get me a beer?

Coming right up.

You know, if you're interested,
I'm appearing

in a small production of
twelve angry men.

I'd love it if you both came.

- You've got to be...
- We would love to.

What?!

Great. Drinks are on me.

Well, in that case, huzzah!

Hey, I heard Stuart's sister moved in.
What's she like? Eh.

No big deal.

You know, I can take her or leave her.

You know, whatever.

Oh, my God. You like her.

It's like heaven sent a brash,
ballsy angel over the verrazano bridge.

Wow. Have you told her how you feel?

I've told her luggage.
I've told her hairbrush.

I've told the lipstick on her coffee mug.

But her? Not yet.

Hey, Phil, what's up?

Don't you 'sup me.

I had Carol out the door until
your sister butted in

and invited her for drinks tonight.

Well, in her defense, she saw
the two of you together

and just assumed you weren't
a skirt-chasing dog.

Well, she was wrong.

[Cell phone rings]

Hang on. Ah, it's my receptionist.

She's with child.

Hi, Susan. What's that?

Oh, no, no, it's fine.

You take all the time you need.

Okay.

I am so screwed.

What's up?

Her doctor put her on bed
rest until she delivers.

What am I supposed to do now?
I'm out a receptionist.

- What about your sister?
- No.

- Why not?
- No.

- But she needs a...
- No!

I can't work with my sister.

All right, I was ten years old.

Okay? I had a lemonade stand.

I was having so much
fun until Nicki bullied

her way in there and poisoned my lemonade
with some cheap, sugary mix

and swapped out my barbershop quartet
mixtape for those headbangers Duran Duran.

- And you let her get away with that?
- No. No, I did not.

In a fit of rage, I ripped off my apron,

I marched right up to her, and
I had my first asthma attack.

Oh. Hey, Nicki.

Whatever you do, do not ask me...

How's the job search?

About that.

I handed out my resume
to every restaurant in the city

and got told to buzz off
in 20 different languages.

At least at the Italian
place they pinched my ass

and gave me a gelato.

- Hey, Phil.
- Oh, hey, Carol.

Hey, who's this cute little guy?

Oh, this is my son Austin.

Phil, look, I am so sorry. Mm.

I know we were supposed
to have drinks tonight,

but my ex flaked on me,

and I have to take him
to a party at fun-ville.

Oh, that's a shame.

Have fun, little dude.

I'll call you, baby.

Phil, don't be ridiculous.

We can have drinks any time.

You guys go.

Uncle Phil's gonna take you to fun-ville.

Fun-ville? Fun-ville?
We're going to fun-ville!

You're choking me!

Okay. You can thank me later.

At least I did one good thing today.

I am dreading going back out there tomorrow
and have more doors slammed in my face.

I can't believe there's not
one job in this entire city.

Yes, it's pretty rough out there.

I mean, I haven't
looked for work in 20 years.

I forgot how hard it is.

The worst part about it is
just the rejection, you know.

It makes me feel so small and worthless.

[Mumbling] I might have a job for you.

What's that?

I might... I might have a job.

- Speak up.
- I have a job for you.

My receptionist is on bed rest.
You can take her place.

Oh, my God. You saved my life.

Thank you so much.

When were you gonna tell me?

Paging Dr. Stuart Gardner.

Is there a dentist in the house?

Hi, Nicki.
Hi. Come on in.

Look at you with the fancy schmancy office.

I do my best to create a relaxing ambience.

So I'm guessing the screaming
and spitting goes on back there?

Actually, with the
innovations in modern dentistry,

it's become a relatively
pain-free experience.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

My guy in Staten Island
recommends showing up drunk.

Anyhoo, why don't we get you a smock?

Why? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

Well, for one thing, my
name isn't Dr. Hooters.

[Grunts]

Oh, no! That is so not happening.

Why not? It's what my
receptionist always wears.

Then I don't know how the
hell she got knocked up.

Oh, don't make the face.

Oh, my God, you're such a baby.
Okay, I'll wear it, I'll wear it.

- Thank you.
- [Sighs]

Now perhaps we should go
over your responsibilities.

Stuart, I managed a
200-seat Olive Garden, okay?

I think I can manage a
one-chair dental office.

Please do not worry.
I'm gonna do a good job.

I know you will.

Glad to see you kicked that OCD.

Is the actor/bartender here?

- No.
- Thank God.

Haskell, I'm so sorry I dragged you
to that awful play last night.

Well, he failed to
mention it was reconceived

as twelve angry naked men.

He was so bad. He ruined
theater and penises for me.

- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, baby.

Both: Mwah.

- That was fun last night.
- Yeah.

Although I had to keep
Austin home from school today.

I think he picked up some
kind of rash from that ball pit.

Really? Anyway, look,
Carol, here's the deal.

I like you.

- And we have fun together.
- [cell phone rings]

- But there comes a time in a man's...
- Excuse me. One second.

Hello. What?

- Oh, my God. The hospital?
- Oh, no. Is it Austin?

How bad's that rash?

I'm on my way. It's my Nana.
They had to rush her to the hospital.

It doesn't look good.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope she pulls through.
I'll call you, baby.

Phil, can you come with me?

What?

I just don't think that
I can face this alone.

I mean, the thought of losing Nana...

It's just too much.

All right. Let's go see Nana.

Oh, thanks, and to think

I might never have seen you again
if it wasn't for Stuart's sister.

- What's her name?
- Nicki.

Um...

What are all these people doing here?

Um, waiting to see a dentist.

I only had four appointments
booked this afternoon.

And now you have 11.

12 if I don't get this poppy seed out.

These aren't even my patients.

They are now that you're offering
50% off on groupon.

You put me on groupon?

You're welcome.

Why don't you just
stick my face on a bus bench?

Already in the works.

Nicki, I am not a discount dentist.

Yeah, no kidding. I see
what you charge for a crown.

Oh, good, the t-shirts I had made.

Thank you. Could you can hold
that, miss. Thank you.

What?

This you're gonna love.

Huh?

"I got drilled by Dr. Stuart Gardner"?

Isn't this cute?

Nicki, I don't even know where to begin.

It's tacky, it's vulgar, it's classless.

Who doesn't love a free t-shirt?

We used to give 'em away all
the time at the Olive Garden.

This is not the Olive Garden.

[Gasping]

It's a well-respected, top-rated
medical practice.

Where are you going?

To the pharmacy. [Gasping]

To get an inhaler.

I didn't know you still had asthma attacks.

Well, I haven't since you destroyed
our lemonade stand.

[Gasping]

We had a lemonade stand?

Whoa.

I got here as soon as I could.

How's Nana?

She's resting.

We're waiting to talk to the doctor.

Okay.

- Oh, Phil.
- Yeah?

This is my brother James,

his wife Cheryl, their
kids Lisa and James Jr.,

my Uncle Wendell, his wife Lucille,

and my cousins Rachel, Ronnie, and Lonnie.

[Laughs]

Thanks for coming, bro.

No problem.

You be strong.

- Yeah.
- Oh, good. That's the doctor.

- Who's there?
- Oh! Hey.

[Chuckles]

Sorry. I'm Phil. I'm a friend of Carol's.

So you're the young man dating my baby.

Come closer.

Closer?

Listen to me, young man,
I may not have much time left.

Please don't say that.
You're gonna be fine.

You're sweet, but I know what's what,
and I could make peace with it if I...

If what? What?

If I knew my little girl
was with a good man.

You're a good man, aren't you, Phil?

Then promise me you'll
take care of my little girl.

Promise me, Phil. Oh!

- Promise me.
- Okay, I promise.

I promise, Nana.

And you'll be a good
daddy to that little boy?

I'm gonna raise that
boy like he was my own.

Thank you.

I won't let you down, Nana.

- Hey.
- Hey.

[Clears throat]
Pretty rough first day, huh?

Uh, I'd say.

Nicki, look, if we're gonna work together,
some things have got to change.

Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.

Good, good.

You have got to lighten up, Stu.

Wait, wait, me? I'm the problem?

Yes, if you weren't so stuck in your ways,
maybe you'd have a bigger practice.

My practice is fine just the way it is.

You are so stubborn!
God forbid anybody try to help you!

Oh, hello, who asked you to help?
No one. But you stick your nose in anyway,

'cause that's just what you always do.

- Oh, is that what I always do?
- Yes.

Really? Guess what. You know what?

-I quit.
- No, you, no, you can't quit.

I can't quit? Why not?

Because you're fired, you're fired,
you are so freakin' fired.

- You can't fire me. I quit.
- I just fired you.

Oh, my God, I don't
know what I was thinking.

Moving to the city, living with you?
I'm out of here. I'm going home.

- Good. Good. Go.
- I am going.

And by the way, I do remember
that lemonade stand.

What ten-year-old wants to hear you croon,
"Hello, my coney island baby"

- Kids were lining up around the block.
- To beat the crap out of you.

- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, Phil.

I talked to my Nana, and
she told me what you said.

I want you to know that
I'm a man of my word.

Are you out of your mind?

We went out a few times, and you're
promising my Nana that you'll marry me?

She took my hand.

I mean, she was headed toward the light.

Phil, look, I was just
trying to have some fun.

But you're way too clingy.

Just make sure you tell your Nana
I was ready to marry you, girl!

Hey, baby.

Hey, Haskell.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Aw, Stuart fired Nicki,
and now, without a job

or a place to live, she's gonna
move back to staten island

and be out of my life forever.

I'm sorry.

Hey, she missed out on a great guy.

Eh.

Oh, great, here comes our actor/bartender,
Leonardo Di-crap-io.

Hey, guys, you're not gonna believe it.

A friend of mine just moved out to L.A.,
and he already landed a series.

And he has half the talent that I do.

Is that possible?

I know. Right? [Sighs]

I'm so tempted to quit my job,
sublet my apartment, and head out there.

Be right there.

Be right there.
Be right there.

That's it.

Can you believe that stiff?

That stiff may be the answer to my prayers.

I saw on Nicki's resume
that she was a bartender.

If he leaves and she takes his job,
she could stay in my life.

All we have to do is fill his
head with dreams of stardom.

Well, that might take a while.

There's a lot of empty space to fill.

Uh, so, Steve, about L.A...

Oh, I don't know. It's a pipe dream.
I don't even know if I have what it takes.

You selfish bastard.

Huh?

How dare you hide behind that bar when you
have a gift, a gift that should be shared

with the world, right, Eden?

When we saw you onstage last night,
we were dumbfounded.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Good! Good!

Was Brando merely good in Streetcar?
Was Olivier good in Hamlet?

Oh, I don't know. Who are those guys?

Hacks. Hacks compared to you.

Now take off that apron,
tear up my bar tab,

and go Chase your dreams.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

That's it.

Hey, here comes Nicki.

Okay, Haskell, now's your chance.

Tell her that you found her
a job, and you'll be her hero.

- Oh, all right.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Just wanted to come down

- for a good-bye drink.
- Yeah.

- Haskell.
- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, uh, Nicki,

as you know...

I'm Haskell.

- Uhuh.
- And... and... and sometimes

in life things just work out.

I did it. I quit.

Now all I have to do is
find a replacement bartender.

Bartender? I bartended for years.

- Really?
- Yes.

Come on. Throw one at me.

Kamikaze.

Vodka, triple sec, lime juice. Come on.

I was making those in the girl scouts.

Um, zombie.

Zombie... pineapple juice, orange juice,

apricot Brandy, sugar, light rum, dark rum,

lime juice.

- Really?
- Mmhmm.

Wow, I've been doing it all wrong.

You're in.

Oh, my... Really?

I'll go call the boss right now.

You're my hero. Mwah.

Oh, by any chance, you wouldn't
happen to need an apartment?

Oh, my God, I love you!

Haskell, is this great? I got a job.

- Yeah.
- [Exclaims]

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey.

You know, thanks to your sister,
I almost married a one-night stand.

Well, look, you'll be relieved
to know that Nicki's leaving.

I love my sister, but Manhattan
isn't big enough for the two of us.

- Hey, Stuart.
- Nicki, hey, I just want to say

that no one is more disappointed
than I am that you're leaving.

Cheer up, sad sack.
I'm not going anywhere.

- What?
- That's right.

I got a job right here.
You are looking at your new bartender.

- No.
- Yes!

No!

Isn't this great?

We're gonna be around
each other all the time.

All right, all right, before
you start hyperventilating,

I thought about what you said,
and you're not completely wrong.

Sometimes I can be bossy and controlling.

And I want you to know that
I'm gonna work on it, okay?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

All right, so drinks are on me.
What can I get you?

I will have an extra
Frothy Peach Margarita.

You're getting a beer.