The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 16 - Friends Without Benefits - full transcript

Look at her.

The woman's a vision of loveliness.

A delicate flower with
the voice of an angel.

Hey, chief.

What are you, a houseplant?

Buy a drink or give up the stool.

Haskell, how long are you gonna
sit here and pine for her?

Just go ask her out.

No, no.

The time isn't right.

Haskell Lutz is an acquired taste.



I'm like a particularly
pungent roquefort.

At first, you think you've bitten
into something horribly wrong.

But over time, you learn to
appreciate its finer qualities.

Well, I think any girl would be
lucky to have a cheese like you.

Aww.

But listen, you better step up or
another guy's gonna beat you to it.

All right.

- I'm going in.
- All right.

Here I go.

- Am I moving?
- No. Go.

Hey, what can I get you?

Well, you can get me hot and bothered
when we hit the sheets later.

How about I just cool
you off right now?

- Okay.
- Okay.



Okay.

I am officially living my nightmare.

Single again and being hit on
by every sleazy jerk after another.

Is there not one decent
guy left in this city?

- Yes!
- What?

Uh, there is someone,
and he's kind and caring

and good-hearted and he's
worshipped you from afar.

Really?

Who is this guy?

The guy is... Pete.

Who's Pete?

He's a friend of mine.
You never met him. Bye-bye.

Pete? Who the hell is Pete?

I made him up!

I took one look in her beautiful
Doe eyes and I got flustered.

Wow. You're hopeless.

Well, look. I'll do better next time.

- I promise.
- Haskell.

- You have to do me a favor.
- Anything.

You gotta set me up
with your friend Pete.

Yeah, well... well,
yeah, about... about Pete.

- You see, he's a... he's a...
- He's a what?

He's free tomorrow night?

Great!

This is my first date in 17 years.

I gotta get my hair done,
my nails done, I gotta get waxed.

Ooh, this could take a while.

The Exes - S03E16
Friends Without Benefits

Guess who has a secret admirer?

Well, it's no surprise.

I shaved the pills off
my sweater this morning.

Yeah, that'll get the girls drooling.

No. Me!

So, uh, you must be
Stuart's sister, huh?

I'm Holly.

Hi, Holly.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

Stuart told me how helpful
you were during his divorce.

That's it?

Listen, Nicki, I'm sorry to hear
that you're going through a divorce.

- I know it's such a difficult time.
- Yeah, it is.

But if you ever need
a lawyer, here's my card,

here's an article
on me in The Times,

and here is a DVD about the firm
narrated by Morgan Freeman.

Well, I don't see us fighting over
who gets the above-ground pool.

Oh, uh, no case too small.

But I'm gonna need that DVD back.

Well, that was a bust.

I gotta go.

Well, it finally happened.

Brother got profiled.

The man singled me out because
of the color of my skin!

- What happened?
- I got a jaywalking ticket.

And were you jaywalking?

Of course, Stuart, this is New York.
Everyone jaywalks.

I don't.

Phil, there's a reason our city fathers
put up signs that say "walk/don't walk".

They're not just for hoodlums
to do pull ups on.

You know what?
I'm not gonna stand for it!

I'm marching down to city hall
and I'm gonna make some noise.

This is a clear case of C.S.B.C.W.B.!

What is that?

"Crossing the Street
Between Cars While Black."

- Is that the Stu-dog?
- Hey, Jeff.

- Hey.
- Hey, how are you, man?

Tah!

Uh, Phil, listen, I want you
to meet my old neighbor, Jeff.

You guys took that from us, you know?

Now we gotta come up
with something else.

Anywho, we miss seeing you around
the neighborhood, man.

Every time I see Lorna with
Doug it just feels wrong.

- She's still seeing Doug?
- Aw, man, you didn't know.

No, you know what?
It's fine, it's fine.

I've moved on, she's moved on.

I'll say.
They're moving in together.

- Really?
- Aw, man, you didn't know.

I guess they're gonna
live in my old house.

- No, no, no, no.
- Okay.

She's moving in with Doug.
She sold your house.

- She what?
- Aw, man, you didn't know.

No, I didn't know!

Anyhow, I gotta bounce.
How fun was this?

Laters.

Can you believe this?

Lorna sold my old house without
even the courtesy of letting me know?

Well, she did get it
in the divorce, Stu-dog.

No, that's not the point.

I found that house.
That house was my baby.

She knows th... I am gonna call her
and tell her that I wanna see it.

Mm-hmm. Ah, yeah.

Get one last peek at the hedges.

Maybe take one last ride
on the old John Deere.

We're still talking about
the house, right?

Okay, you ready for the next one?

Delight me.

Mm-hmm.

Eh-heh.

What do you think?

I'm gonna be brutally honest.

I love it!

Thanks, Haskell.
But the question is will Pete like it?

Well, if I know Pete...
And I do...

He's gonna be knocked out.

Aw, great.

And I got to admit,
you were right about the nail color.

Well, let's face it,
you're an autumn, not a summer.

I never wanna see you in a pastel.

And you never will.

- Thank you.
- Okay, you're welcome.

All right, what about shoes?

High heel, low heel?
How tall is Pete?

About my height.

All right, stand up.
Let's measure.

Yeah.

Low heel it is.

Al right, unzip me,
so I can try on the next one.

Whoa, me?

Okay.

All done.

- Thanks.
- Hi, hi.

Hi, Eden.

Hey, what is going on?

Well, Haskell has been
such a great sport.

I've been dragging him
all over the city

to find the perfect dress
for my date tonight.

Your date with Pete?

Yeah, you see anybody else stepping up?

Oh, apparently not.

All right, so I'm gonna go
try on the next one.

Ugh, you know the worst part

about being out there
again is wearing a damn thong.

They do not stay where you put 'em.

- Am I right?
- Yes.

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?

Having the best day of my life!

She's acquiring a taste
for Haskell Lutz.

The cheese is growing on her.

And I owe it all to Pete.

There is no Pete!

Haskell, how is Nicki gonna feel

if her first date in
17 years doesn't show up?

Well, of course she'll
be disappointed,

but the Haskell she's
grown fond of

will be there with a
strong, caring shoulder.

That actually might work.

Really?

No, you're insane!

I am so angry!

Outraged, incensed, livid!

Spin class canceled again?

No, I just got off the phone with Lorna.

She's refusing to let me
say good-bye to my old house.

Why?

She said I would get too emotional.

I poured my soul into
every inch of that place.

Handpicked the brick for the fireplace.

I sponge-painted the
walls in the powder room.

I even built the
craftsman-style birdhouse

that those flying rats
sullied in just one day.

Then you gotta go up there and demand
to see it whether she likes it or not.

What? No, I can't.

I mean, she's not even there.
The movers are coming tomorrow.

Then you gotta go up the tonight.

Well, we did always
keep a spare key

under the family of ceramic
ducks, the quackersons.

Then you get that key
from under that duck's ass,

and you get into that house!

You're right. I'm doing it.

- Hell yeah!
- You're coming with me.

- Hell no.
- Why not?

Black man breaking into
a house in the suburbs.

Why don't you just
tase me right now?

Come on, Phil, I need
you there with me.

- Why?
- For solidarity.

We are both getting
pushed around.

This is a clear case of
W.M.E.W.L.H.S.G.T.H.O.H.

What the hell is that?

White Man's Ex-wife Won't Let
Him Say Good-bye To His Old House.

Why do y'all gotta take everything
we do and just wreck it?

Would you come on already?

I don't like this, Stuart.

I don't like this one bit.

Relax.

I still can't believe you're
wearing that stupid outfit.

I'm just trying to fit in.

Now, if anyone asks, we're
coming from the club,

and we're on our
way to a silent auction.

You people love silent auctions, right?

That's a bit of a stereotype, but...

Anyway, look.

Let's just hope that the key
is still under quackers.

And it is.

Where do you even buy a
bunch of ceramic ducks?

Silent auction.

See? No problem.

What is that? What is that?

Don't worry.

It's just the alarm.
I know the code.

It's still beeping!

Well, the code was
our wedding date.

Shmust have changed it.
What else could it be?

I don't know! I don't know!

What was the date
she kicked you out?

Oh, she would never.

Punch it in! Punch it in!

System disarmed.

Well, that was hurtful.

All right, have your look around,

and let's get the
hell out of here.

Wow, just like I left it.

Wow.

So many memories.

Pick the shortest one, and let's go.

This is where Lorna and I used
to have wine and cheese Fridays,

took macarena lessons,
hosted murder mystery night.

I never told anyone this,

but I was the one who
killed the librarian,

Rita Bookaday.

I might turn white just
listening to this.

Hurry up and say
your good-byes, man.

All right, all right.

Oh, oh, the couch.

Oh, we had it shipped
over from France

from a little town called
Saint-Gilles-Croix-de-Vie.

Au revoir, mon ami.

We're never getting out of here.

So when is Nicki showing up for her
imaginary date with imaginary Pete?

I imagine any moment.

She shows, I tell her
Pete can't make it,

and her brief
disappointment vanishes

when she realizes that the
man she truly belongs with

has been in front of
her the entire time.

Well, you're not the
only romantic in the room.

I'm going to wink at a guy
and then go home with him.

Is that Haskell Lutz?

Hey... you.

Don't "hey you" me.

It's your old buddy, Pete.

Pete!

No!

Listen, I'm expecting someone,

and the last thing I
need right now is a Pete.

You're probably wondering where
I've been the last few months.

Not in the least.

I've had a few business deals go South,
so I've had to lay low for a while.

I'll tell ya, people get real touchy
when you lose their nest egg.

Yeah, well, uh, listen,
Pete, I would love to...

Hi, Haskell.

And who is this?

Well, he... no, he was just...

Hi, I'm Pete.

- Oh.
- Oh.

So you're the mysterious Pete.

I've been called worse.

I'm Nicki, which you already
knew, but I said it anyway

because I talk a
lot when I'm nervous,

and I'm nervous, so that's
why I'm talking a lot.

I'm gonna go fix my face,
not that it's broken.

Oh, my God! For God's
sake, shut up, Nicki!

I don't know what the
hell she's talking about,

but I am liking that caboose.

Well, unlike it!

Listen, I don't have time to explain,

but you are not the Pete
she thinks you are.

That usually works
out better for me.

Listen, Nicki's
very important to me,

and if you have any
decency or compassion or...

What am I thinking? Here's 20 bucks.

Get out of here.

20 bucks.

Hello, red lobster. All right.

Damn, here she comes.
You can't run now.

Look, I'm gonna call
your cell phone,

and you make up some
excuse to leave, okay?

What's your number?

I don't know. It's a burner.

Here, here, here. Take my phone.

- Hey, I'm back.
- Hey.

Well, madam, have a seat.

Oh, Haskell said you
were a gentleman.

And a scholar.

I do have my G.E.D.

Well, I'm gonna have to
leave you two, uh, alone.

What's going on?
Who is that guy?

That's Pete!

I should have never
used the name "Pete."

Yes, that was the
only flaw in your plan.

Pete, I'm really flattered
that you wanted to meet me.

I haven't been on a date in 17 years.
Because I was married,

not because I'm some hideous monster.
Ahh, Nicki's on the loose, ahh!

What am I saying to you,
Pete? I don't know.

Crazy.

Please, I could listen
to you babble all night.

Hold that smile.

Yello.

All right, this
is your exit call.

Make an excuse and split.

Yes, about that,

the price went up on
that particular venture.

The buy-in's now 100.

Listen, you blood-sucking
weasel, we had a deal.

And a... hello? Hello?

Sorry, that was London. England.

Oh.

I've always wanted to go to england.

The closest I got was the
England Pavilion at Epcot.

We had high tea and
finger sandwiches.

I had, like, 30 of 'em.

Great, Nicki.

Tell him how you stuffed
your face in Florida.

- London again.
- Oh.

Pardon moi.

Yello.

Listen, you son of a bitch.
The best I can do is 78 bucks.

That's all I got.

I think I can make that work.

All right. Get out of here.

That sounds like
a pretty big deal.

Yeah, about that,
it seems as though

my stockholders have
called an emergency...

Stockholding session.

Right now? Isn't it a little late?

Not in england.
The city that never sleeps.

Well, I gotta go and
trade my dollars into europes.

So, uh, what happened to Pete?

Uh, he blew me off.

What? No, that's impossible.

Uh, no, he said it was business,
but I know a blow-off when I see it.

Well, the man is a fool.

Look, the night is young.

Why don't we have a drink and...

Haskell, that's so sweet,
but I don't think

I'm gonna be very
good company right now.

And that's the true story
behind Lorna's sewing room.

I'll be sure to tell that
one to my cellmate.

Can we please go?

I'm not ready, Phil.

I spent half my life in this house.

So many good times,
so many good memories.

When I walk out that door,
they'll all be gone forever.

Someone's here.

It's the cops!

Quick, take a video
of me not resisting!

It's not the cops, it's Lorna.

Hide, hide!

That's funny.

I must have forgotten
to turn the alarm on.

Okay, found it.

Great, let's go.

What's wrong, honey?

It's weird.

I've lived in this house for 18 years.

I don't quite know how to say good-bye.

You see?

She's emotional too.

Make love to me.

You got it.

Okey-dokey, we can go.
This place is dead to me.

- Oh, hi, Haskell.
- Hello, Nicki.

What are you doing here?

- I just came by to see how you're doing.
- Oh, that's so sweet.

- Come on in.
- Yeah.

You know, when I was younger,

my father used to Chase away
my dates with a baseball bat.

Now that I'm older, apparently,
I can do it all by myself.

Look, uh, I'm sorry about
what happened with Pete,

but I want you to know there
is a guy out there for you.

Oh, yeah, right.

I forgot how horrible and
crappy the dating scene is,

but it's all coming back to me now.

The games, the lies, guys telling you
what they think you wanna hear.

I think you're amazing.

Yeah, exactly, like that.

You are the first thing I think about

when I wake up in the
morning and the last thing

I think about when I
go to sleep at night.

Oh, yeah, that's a classic.

No, I mean I am jealous of your shoes

because they are so
close to you every day.

I have not heard that one yet,
but I'm sure it's coming.

No, you don't understand.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I...

Haskell, I know, I know.

"Don't give up hope.
It'll happen when you least expect it."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, I get it.

I so appreciate you coming
by, but I'm sorry, I'm just beat.

Oh, uh, okay.

You know, there is one good
thing that came out of this.

- Oh?
- I found a friend.

Good night.

Good night, Nicki.

Nicki Lutz.

Mrs. Haskell Lutz.