The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 17 - Nun Like It Hot - full transcript

Hey, baby.

"Hey, baby"?

Women actually fall for that?

- Why?
- What's the big deal?

I like the ladies, the ladies like me.

Everybody has a good
time, no one gets hurt.

Oh, no!

That dude wants to kill me!

Why? You didn't call him the next morning?

Well, I kind of slept with his girlfriend.

But I didn't...



I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

Especially one that big.

Phil, let me ask you a question.

Between "Hey, baby" and
"I'll call you, baby,"

do you ever think to
ask, "Who are you, baby?"

No, not really.

- Oh, hey, Nicki.
- Hey.

I'll have a fuzzy navel, but
instead of peach schnapps,

uh... I think I'll have apple.

And, instead of orange juice...

Okay, I am off duty. Irritate
somebody else.

Ow. Ow, God.

All right, you're never gonna guess

who's meeting me here... Vanessa.



Vanessa from the old neighborhood?

Yeah, she lives in the city now.

Turns out she's divorced too.

- So she's single now?
- Mm hmm.

Oh, I must confess, once upon a time
I carried quite the torch for her.

Can't you just say you were hot
for her like a normal person?

Besides, you had your chance
at my 12th birthday party.

Remember seven minutes in heaven?

Ugh.

It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

There I was, in the closet
with the girl of my dreams.

I was about to go in for the kiss.

And then all of a sudden,

the walls just closed
in and all I could smell

was cherry chapstick
and moth balls, and...

The next thing I knew, I...

I ralphed in dad's ski boot.

Which is how you earned
the name, Spewart.

That was a long time ago.
I'm a different person now.

A successful, handsome,
some say Clooney-esque.

Yeah, Rosemary Clooney.

Ugh.

Nicki!

Oh, Vanessa. Hi.
Honey, oh, I missed you.

Oh, I missed you too.
How you been?

Well, other than my husband of 18 years
turning out to be gay, awesome.

I know.

Your mom told my cousin who told
my hairdresser who already knew.

Oh.

Well, here we both are, divorced.

- Life, huh?
- Yeah.

It seems like only yesterday

- we were in high school.
- I know.

All I ever thought about back then
was making out with boys and...

No, that's pretty much it.

Stop it.

- So you look so happy.
- I am.

So there is life after divorce.
What's your secret?

I'm becoming a nun.

Right, right. And if I don't get
some soon, so am I.

No, no.
I'm serious.

The church has always
been a big part of my life.

I take my vows in two weeks.

What?

No.

What?

No.

What?

Nicki, relax. It's still me.

I'm no different from you.

I'm just marrying Christ.

Wow.

Okay, well...

So where are you
and the savior registered?

Hello, Vanessa. Remember me, Stuart?

Of course I do.

Great to see you. You too.

May I say, you have... oh...

Okay. Okay, hold on, relax.

You have grown into quite a stunner.

And as I recall, you still owe me
three minutes in heaven.

All right. Yeah, Stuart?
Not happening.

Look, Nicki, Nicki.
Let the lady speak for herself.

I'm becoming a nun.

Could've just said no.

The Exes - S03E17
Nun Like It Hot

Here we are, here we are.

Okay, let's go. And left foot.

Right foot, left foot.

Haskell, I slipped in the tub.
I didn't forget how to walk.

Where's Eden? Where's Eden?

I'm right down here.

- I thought I stepped on you, sweetie.
- All right, here we go.

Okay, all right, now, we
got to get you seated.

- Okay.
- Eden, are you ready?

- I'm ready.
- Okay.

- All right.
- All right, easy.

- Yeah. Right.
- Easy.

- Oh, ahh.
- And down we go.

- There we go. All right.
- Ooh.

- There we are.
- Ow.

You know, Haskell,
you're pretty good at this.

Well, this is how I used to have
to escort mother home from happy hour.

Yeah.

At least I don't have to go back
and look for your teeth.

You know, thanks for taking me
to the emergency room.

- You guys have been amazing.
- No problem.

Okay. Now here are your pills and
the instructions from the doctor.

Here is your remote.

Okay, water, pillow,
and blanket. Mwah.

- You get some rest.
- Okay.

Where do you two think you're going?

- What do you mean?
- I can't be left alone here.

Who's going to give me my pills
and make my meals,

help me to the bathroom?

- She will.
- He will.

Look, I don't mean to point fingers,
but whose lavender bath beads

did I slip on in my bathtub?

I said I was sorry.

And who's the cranky little butterball

I waited on hand and foot
while they were pregnant?

I'm pretty sure that one's you.

All right, all right. We'll stay.

Oh, you guys are offering to help.

I'm tearing up.

Yeah, that means I need tissues.

Now!

Vanessa, it was great catching up with you.

- I had such a blast.
- Me too.

So what's the deal?

Once you're officially sister Vanessa,
we can still hang out, right?

Of course.

We could anoint the sick.
Comfort the dying.

I was thinking more like a movie.

- Yeah, we can do that too.
- Okay.

Okay, I gotta go get change for a cab.

- All right.
- I'll catch you later.

Okay, bye, honey.

Hey, baby.

Ah!

Found your shoe.

Thank you.

Yeah, that was fun last night, right?

Uhhuh. Right. Gotta go.

Oh.

I'll call you, baby.

Oh, God.

Do you have any idea
what you've just done?

Yeah.

It was awesome.

You just slept with a nun.

Of course I did, Stuart.

And tonight, we're gonna
double with the pope.

Her name's Vanessa.

How do you know that?

Because we grew up together,
she lives in a convent,

and she's about to take her vows.

Oh, my God, I slept with a nun?

Yes. Yes, you did.

But I didn't know.

I really... I really didn't know.

Stuart,

when I first met her,
she wasn't wearing any nun stuff.

She was disguised as a hot chick.

You see... you know, Phil,
that's your problem.

You never take time
to get to know a woman

before you bed her.

No, the problem is I'm
putting out too much Phil Chase.

Even nuns gotta have this.

I didn't even tell you the worst part.

- Wait, there's a worst part?
- Mm hmm.

She's Nicki's oldest friend.

Oh.

Stuart, she's already on my case.

You cannot tell Nicki about this.

Are you kidding me?

She'll kill me just for knowing you.

And then... And then she'll use

my lifeless body to beat
the crap out of you.

Okay, well, we just gotta make a pact.

A blood oath.

Oh, could it be verbal?
I don't clot well.

We're gonna do what
we did at my fraternity.

All right, it bonded us as brothers.

- Put your hands out like this.
- Okay.

Put your arms out. Yeah.

Okay?

We never mention this to Nicki,
and we take this secret to our grave.

Hmm.

Oh, I know this.

The double pump basket...
We used that in cheerleading.

I would also take that to the grave.

Eden?

Eeeeedeeeeen!

Eeedeeen!

- Yes?
- Where were you?

I was in the bedroom
getting the comfy pillow

because you said
this one was too lumpy.

Yeah, but my blanket fell off.
Now my tootsies are cold.

Okay.

- There you go.
- Okay.

- Tootsies are toasty.
- Okay, where's my comfy pillow?

I was getting it when
you dragged me out here.

Now you're mad at me.

No, I'm not.

- Then smile.
- I don't feel like...

Smile!

See? Happy happy.

- You know what you could use?
- What?

A nice, long nap.

I don't want a nap.
I want my smoothie.

Well, it's right there.

Bwing it to me.

All right, all right.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

It's too warm!

And remember before when it was too cold
and so we left it out to get warm?

Yeah, but now it's yucky.

Oh, hey. Look at the time.

It's Haskell's turn. I gotta go.

But wait, we're having so much fun.
Do you have to go?

I do, I really, really do. Yes.

I mean, Haskell has to have
some of this fun too, right?

- Eden.
- What?

I wuv you.

Say it back.

I wuv you too.

That's so sweet.

Okay, get the other one
and bring him in here.

Get your ass off that couch!

You were supposed to be
in there ten minutes ago.

I'm not going back in there!

I was up with her all night.

"Haskell, brush my teeth."

"Haskell, I'm itchy."

"Haskell, blow my nose."

I did it, Eden.

I blew her nose.

Well, everything I do is wrong.

I get her a blanket,
but it's scratchy.

I fix her hair,
but I'm hurting her.

- And are you?
- A little.

But the woman doesn't sleep.
Why won't she sleep?

Haskell, why won't she sleep?

I don't know.

But perhaps we should help her.

How? I have tried everything.
I even gave her warm milk.

No, I was thinking of something
with a bit more of a kick.

Something along the lines
of the night-night cocktail

I used to slip mother.

- You mean drug Holly?
- Drug is such an ugly word.

But in this case, dead on.

Haskell, I don't know.

I mean...

Eden, where are you?

Where's Haskell?

I'm hungry. I'm thirsty.

I'm itchy in places I can't reach.

Let's put it in her pudding.

There's Nicki.

Oh, I'm already starting to sweat.
Why'd you drag me down here?

If we start avoiding her,
she'll know that something's up.

We just have to pretend
that's nothing's wrong,

and you're not going to hell.

Oh. Well, don't say that, all right?
I'm a good and decent man.

- You slept with a nun.
- I'm going to hell.

Hey, Nicki. Hey, what's up?

What's up?

I just got off the phone with Vanessa.

Vanessa? Who's that?

She's my old friend.
She's becoming a nun.

We had drinks here last night,

and after I left, some
sleazebag picked her up,

they spent the night together,
and now she's not going through with it.

What? She's not becoming a nun?

Did she by any chance mention
anything about this guy?

All I know is that son
of a bitch ruined her life,

and I'm gonna make it
my mission to ruin his.

Oh!

Hey, guys. What's up?

Oh, just making some food
for our favorite patient.

Ooh, chocolate pudding.

- Can I have a taste?
- I don't know.

You have to be anywhere
in the next three days?

I'm impressed.
I hope if I ever get sick,

you guys take as good care of me.

Trust me, if you get laid up,
you're gonna get a tub of this.

Oh.

Yay.

- Oh?
- Hello.

And how is our brave,
little patient feeling?

Like crap. Where you been?

Making you a delicious snack.

- I am kind of hungry.
- Well, good.

Because we've made you
chocolate pudding.

- Hey.
- Ooh, I can't even look at it.

But you love it.
It's your favorite.

Well, now I'm sick of it.
What else you got?

But this is special pudding.

Yes, made with a special ingredient.

- Mm-hmm.
- Love.

Well, I don't want it.

Of course you do.
Here comes the choo choo.

- Open the tunnel.
- Toot, toot.

- Open the tunnel.
- Open it.

Open it.

Open the freaking tunnel!

I said I don't want any.
If it's so great, you eat it.

Oof.

oh, no.

"Oh, no," what?

Oh, no, I ate the pudding.

So?

Soso we made it especially for you.

I'm gonna have to get real comfy.

Look at him. He's useless.

What are you gawking at?

Fix my pillow, roll me over.
I got that itch back.

Hurry up. Chop-chop.

I'm coming, Haskell!

- Oh, Nicki. Thanks for meeting me.
- Of course. Vanessa, come on.

You can't give up being a nun
for one night of meaningless sex.

I don't care how good the sex was.

How good was it?
No, no! Don't tell me.

I don't want to know.
No, no, no.

Nicki, Nicki, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.
I've decided to take my vows.

Really?

- Yes.
- Oh.

I was about to make
this massive commitment.

And I guess I had my doubts.

But in some weird way,
sleeping with this guy

has strengthened my faith. Mm.

I know now more than ever
I was put here to serve God.

I am so freakin' relieved.

You can say "freakin'" to a nun, right?

Freakin' right.

I am just so... I'm so glad

that you didn't let
some dirt bag ruin your life.

Oh, I can't blame it all on that guy, Phil.

Phil? Phil? His name was Phil?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He came up to me with a "Hey, baby."

I mean, I really must have had my doubts
to fall for a cheesy line like that.

I gotta go.

- Who is it?
- It's Nicki.

It's for you.

Oh, good. Phil, you're here.

Yeah, I'm... I'm here.

I was just wondering...

What are you doing here?

Well, I could really use your help.
I was just talking to Vanessa.

I think I'm closing in on who this guy is.

You're at the bar a lot.
Maybe you know him.

I don't know him.

I haven't even described him yet.

Let's see, she said he was tall.

There are lot of tall guys out there.

Mm hmm.

And he came on to her
with a "Hey, baby."

Really?

That old chestnut? Uhhuh.

Oh, and then there was one more thing.

She said his name was Phil. Huh!

What a coincidence.

- You slept with my friend!
- I didn't know she was your friend.

- She was becoming a nun!
- I didn't know that either!

- Nicki, I had nothing to do...
- I will deal with you later.

Okay.

Listen, Nicki, I feel
terrible about Vanessa.

If there was anything
I could do to change this, I would.

Well, you know what,

there is something you
can do to make it right.

I'll do anything. Anything.

Ladies of New York...

May I have your attention?

My name is Phil Chase,

and I'm a dog.

Look, don't let this pretty face fool you.

If you see me coming with a smile
and a "Hey, baby," run!

Because I'm not interested
in getting to know you.

Your job?
Don't care.

Where you're from?
I'm not listening.

Your hopes and dreams?
Save that for your journal.

All I really want to do
is get you into bed.

Anyway, this has been a public
service message from Phil Chase...

The dog.

- I'm proud of you.
- Mm.

And now you're on YouTube.

- How do you feel?
- Like a new man.

A new man who's never
gonna have sex again.

I hope Vanessa gets to see that.

I don't know how much YouTube
they watch at the convent.

The convent?

Wait, she's still gonna
go through with her vows?

Did I forget to mention that?

Yeah, you forgot to mention that.

Yeah, turns out sex with you

absolutely convinced her
to be a nun.