The Exes (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 19 - My Fair Stuart - full transcript
Hello, all.
If I'm beaming, it's because
something wonderful has happened.
I'm about to become a partner
in the most prestigious
dental practice in New York City.
- Oh.
- Wow, Stuart.
Sounds incredibly snooty
and overpriced.
Ah...
Oh, it is. [Laughter]
I've met the partners.
They love my work.
There's just one final hurdle.
The swimsuit competition?
[Clears throat]
The senior partner is hosting
a dinner party to make
sure that we all mesh socially.
My companion for the evening
will be a woman of extraordinary
beauty and sophistication.
Well, you've gotta spend
money to make money.
Stuart, I'm really happy for you.
- Congratulations.
- Yes, me too.
- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- Oh, well, I...
I wouldn't say no to
a celebratory libation.
How the hell did we pop
out of the same womb?
What a day.
I just got a text from a
young lady I used to date
that she might be pregnant.
- Oh.
- My God, Phil.
I know.
I spent an hour sweating it out
waiting for the results.
And?
And the pee stick
came back negative.
Oh!
Yeah. She even sent me a picture.
Oh. What a cute little minus sign.
Phil, let me be the first to say
you're an idiot.
How the hell could
you let this happen?
I use protection.
It's not my fault
I have super sperm
that can bust through latex.
I hear you.
When you're out there
as much as we are,
sooner or later, one of your
boys is gonna pull a Houdini.
- Listen, Phil.
- Hmm?
Eventually, your
luck is gonna run out.
Now might be the right time
to start thinking about making
some serious changes.
You're absolutely right.
I've been thinking about
getting a vasectomy.
I read a study that said
that women are more
likely to sleep with a man
who's had a vasectomy.
That could be just the little push
I've been needing at closing time.
- Well, I'll do it if you do it.
- And I'll do it if you do it.
We'll do it together.
We'll be snip buddies.
I would be proud to get
neutered with you.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Yeah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys.
This is a life-changing decision.
I mean, how do you know you won't
wanna have kids someday?
She's right. You want kids?
- No, you?
- No.
Thank you.
I'm still trying to decide
what to wear to the party.
Should I go with my classic brioni
or my more relaxed Armani?
Well, that depends. Are you
wearing your hair up or down?
Mm.
[Cell phone rings] You know...
Oh, it's my date for Saturday night.
[Chuckles] Bonjour, ma cherie.
[Chuckles] [Clears throat]
She's French. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Ca va bien. Et toi?
Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Well, that's a load of horse crap.
Uh, hello? Hello?
She just canceled on me,
some nonsense about
having to fly to Paris for work.
Mm.
Sounds like you're le screwed.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't have a date for the party.
- Oh, what's the big deal? Just go alone.
- I can't. I already rsvped plus-one.
How's that gonna look?
Three partners, their wives,
me, an empty chair.
No, no, no, I have to find
someone to replace her.
Well, if it helps you out,
I'll go with you.
Who could I possibly find
at this late hour?
Yoo hoo? Hello? I am asking you out.
Thank you, but I don't
think it would work out.
Why not?
Well, for one thing, you're my sister.
Uh, well, it wouldn't be the first time
you took a relative to a party.
[Chuckles]
Nicki, no offense, but you're
just not what I had in mind.
That's okay.
No offense taken.
- Okay.
- Yeah, come here.
You have something on your shirt.
- What?
- Yeah, right here...
Ow, oh! Ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[Upbeat music]
The Exes - S03E19
My Fair Stuart
[Knocks at door]
Yeah, come on in.
- Hey, Stuart, what's up?
- I'm desperate.
My date for the partners'
dinner bailed on me.
I've called every woman I know.
At this point, I just need a warm body.
Will you go with me?
You know what's sad?
That's the exact same way
I got asked to my prom.
Just l'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You know what? That came out wrong.
Look, you're charming. You're beautiful.
You're sophisticated.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put the shovel down. I'll go.
Oh.
Thank you. Thank you.
Aw, I can almost see my
name on the door now.
Grayson, Davidson,
Gardner, and Fischbach.
Dr. Larry Fischbach?
Yeah. Oh, my God.
How perfect is this?
- You know him?
- Oh, I know him.
I represented his ex-wife
in their divorce.
I gutted him like a fish...
Bach.
Well, you're useless.
What am I supposed to do?
- [Knocks at door]
- Hi, hi.
- What about Eden?
- Eden?
You're right. She's smart.
She's funny. She's pretty.
[Chuckles]
- Eden, what the hell happened?
- Do me a favor.
If you ever hear me say the words,
"I bet I can catch a
champagne cork in my mouth,"
stop me.
Hey, Nicki.
What?
Well, I've been thinking
about your generous offer
to accompany me to the
dinner party Saturday night.
And, you know, upon reflection...
Crapped out, huh?
- Big time.
- Yeah.
Nicki, will you please go with me?
- Please.
- One more please?
- Please.
- Nah, I got plans.
Aw.
Come on, I'm yanking your chain.
I'll go with you.
Aw. Thank you, Nicki. [Chuckles]
Yes! Whoo, hoo!
Sorry. Just got excited.
My sister agreed to go out with me.
[Chuckles]
- [Hums]
- Finally.
Where the hell had you
go for food, man?
Jersey? Actually, yes.
But for sonic, it's worth it.
It's made to order, and it's brought out
by a lovely young
woman on roller skates.
Well, who needs her when
I got you, big guy?
Well, I wasn't fishing for compliments,
but thanks.
[Chuckles]
Hey, guys.
Look who I found in the lobby.
You remember Cooper from upstairs?
- Yeah, hi, kid.
- Hey, what's up, man?
Hey.
Hey, Phil.
Couldn't you see
yourself tossing a ball around
with a kid like this
on a Sunday afternoon?
Uhhuh.
And Haskell, wouldn't it be great
to have a kid like this to wake you up
in case there was a fire?
If I wanted to know if there was a fire,
I would've put a battery in that thing.
Anyway, I know what you're up to.
Yeah, you're not gonna change our minds
about having the procedure.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
It's just that sometimes
in our busy, single lives,
we lose sight of the
joys of having children.
How come you don't have kids?
Well, little guy,
I just haven't met the right man yet.
What if you don't?
I will. He's out there somewhere.
[Laughs] But what if he isn't?
I said he is.
My mom said, "your boat has sailed."
My boat is fine.
It just hasn't left the dock in a while.
- Hey.
- Hi, Nicki.
Whatcha doin' here?
Well, I come bearing gifts.
I bought you a little something
to wear to the party.
Stuart, what do you think, I'm some
rube that doesn't know how to dress?
I think I'll wear whatever I...
- Ooh, that is nice.
- Mmhmm.
[Chuckles]
Thank you. It's Kate spade.
Oh. We have to date more often.
Okay, now, remember,
no one at the party
can know that you're my sister.
Yes, I know. I know.
I'm your date Nicki.
Actually, you're my date Nicole.
What? What's wrong with Nicki?
- It is my name.
- I know.
But Nicole sounds elegant.
Nicki sounds like someone
who would pay you a visit
if the jets don't cover the spread.
All right, all right,
you sprung for the dress.
- I will give you Nicole.
- Thank you.
Now, all we have to do is
come up with an occupation for you.
I've got one, Bartender.
Okay, but how about we
class it up a little bit
and call you "master sommelier"?
Hm? Ah.
How much do you know about wine?
What's there to know?
There's white, red, rose, and fizzy.
Oh, I'm so screwed.
Stuart, come on. I'm kidding with you.
- Will you lighten up?
- I can't, I can't.
Look, being a part of
a practice like this
is something I've
dreamed of all my life.
Well, listen, you
don't have to worry about me.
I'm great at parties.
I know how to tawk to people.
You mean you know how to talk to people.
- Right, that's what I said.
- [Chuckles]
No, you said "tawk."
It's "talk."
- That's right, tawk.
- No, talk.
- Tawk.
- Talk.
- Tawk.
- There's no W in "talk."
Okay, fine, tawk, tawk,
and now I am wawking you to the dawr.
- There's no "W" in "door."
- Oh, shut up.
[Doorbell rings]
Stuart. Come on in.
- Glad you could make it.
- Thank you.
And who is this lovely lady?
Ah, this is my date, Nicole.
Nicole, I'd like you to
meet Dr. Nicholas Grayson.
Please. My friends call me Nicky.
- Oh.
- What a nice name.
Pleasure to meet you.
Stuart, Nicole,
this is my wife, Miriam.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Please, call me Micki.
Oh.
Another nice name.
That is an absolutely gorgeous dress.
Oh, thank you.
It's Kate Spade.
Yes, Stuart surprised me with it.
He said, "no occasion, just because."
[Laughter]
Good for you, Stuart.
It is important to
keep the romance alive.
Yes. I completely agree.
[Mutters indistinctly]
- Stuart.
- Thank God!
Hello. Hello.
Dr. Davidson, hello. Hi.
- This is my date, Nicole.
- This is my wife, Tanner.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you.
You look awfully familiar.
Oh, I don't think we know each other.
Are you sure?
Where'd you go to school?
She went to Vassar.
I went to Vassar.
Oh, what are the odds? [Laughter]
Well, we're about the same age.
Oh, you must have known Lindsey Pruit.
- You know, I don't...
- Actually, yes!
Yes, I do remember Lindsey.
Yeah, she was the one who
was always bragging about...
- Her horses.
- Mmm. Right, right.
And then she was going
out with that, uh...
- Frederick.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, what a bore!
We were so relieved when they broke up.
Yes. I was so happy when
she finally met, uh...
Susan.
I did not see that coming.
Well...
[Whimpers]
[Panting, whimpering]
Ow... ow... ow... ow...
[Grunts]
The doctor said there, uh...
There'd be some discomfort
and mild swelling.
Mild? I feel like I'm
smuggling egg plants
between my legs!
Aah!
The worst part is over. Look.
Now all you have to do
is put these on.
On what?
Well, according to the
post surgical instructions,
you have to wear them for support.
Okay.
But there's gonna be some overflow.
It also says here you're gonna
need some ice for the swelling.
I'll go get you some. Does it say
when I can have sex again?
It says in a week.
Please let it be me.
You guys are...
Ow!
Ow...
Don't you "ow" me.
You didn't go through with it, did you?
I was planning to, and
then the nurse came in
and she said the most
terrifying thing I ever heard.
- What?
- Mr. Lutz...
You're next.
Nicki, I need to use the restroom.
Well, aren't you a big
boy for letting me know?
You gonna be okay if
I leave you here alone?
Stuart, would you knock it off?
You've been babysitting
me all night... go pee-pee. Go!
Oh, wonderful news.
The orchestra we want is available
for Ralph and Laura's wedding.
Great! I'm paying for 30 musicians,
and our son can't dance a step.
What? Who can't dance?
Our son Ralph.
What? That's ridiculous!
I can teach him.
That's very kind of you,
but you don't have to.
No, I have to. A groom
has to dance at his own wedding!
Come on. We can do it right now.
- Now?
- Yes. No time like the present.
Come on, let's get it going!
Hey, Docs, I need
you to move this table.
Make a little room here.
Right. Get a little exercise
in ya, right?
And do you have anything
with like a Latin beat?
- I think so.
- Great!
What's, uh, what's going on?
We doing some kind of party game?
No, your girlfriend is about to
give the Graysons' son a dance lesson.
- She's what?
- Yeah!
'Scuse me. Nicole. Nicole.
- Yeah?
- 'Scuse me.
- What the hell are you doing? Sit down!
- Oh, would you relax, Stuart? I got this.
What is keeping that klutz?
- Here he is.
- Oh!
Hello. I'm Ralph.
Hi, Ralph.
Well, congratulations on your wedding.
- Well, thanks.
- What's the matter with you?
- You can't dance?
- Dancing just isn't my thing.
No? Well, I can teach you, okay?
Now, just let the music take you.
Don't think too much about it. Okay.
One hand here. One hand here.
Now, just let the music take you.
[Latin music starts]
Don't think. Here we go.
We're gonna go quick, quick, slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
Yeah, this is not great. You know what?
Get your hips into it, man! Come on!
There ya go! Quick, quick, slow...
That's right. Okay,
you're gonna turn me.
Don't be scared. Oh, yes!
Very good. I got this.
Yeah, you got... What's this?
What's this... What do you know?
- It's all in the hips.
- Yeah, it is all in the hips,
isn't it? Uh-huh!
Uh-oh, look at... Oh. Okay.
Well, I did have a lesson in college.
Or two. Yeah? Uh-huh.
Oh! Okay, listen.
Oh, I ain't scared of you, buddy.
I'll do it. Let's do it!
Let's do it. Oh, my!
Oh, yeah, okay, come on...
Whoo! Very strong.
You know what?
For a beginner, you are not that bad.
I know. I know.
I think I'm ready for dancing
with the stars.
Okay.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Button that back up, okay?
Nicole, that was wonderful!
Oh, my pleasure!
And on that lovely note,
the dinner is ready.
[Chuckles]
Wow.
Wow! You almost gave me a coronary.
Somehow it all worked out.
- Somehow.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know you could dance.
- Yeah. You didn't think
I could dance or dress
myself or talk to people.
You know what?
These people accept me,
where as you... You're ashamed of me.
- That's not true.
- Oh, that's not true?
"She's not a bartender.
She's a sommelier.
"She didn't go to Community College.
She went to Vassar."
Keep your voice down, Nicole.
That's another thing.
You're even ashamed of my name.
And do you know why?
Because you are a phony.
- I am not.
- Oh, really?
I'm Stuart Gardner,
big-shot dentist on Park Avenue.
Well, let me tell you something, okay?
At the end of the day,
you are still little Stewie
from Staten Island.
- You take that back.
- I will not.
- Take it back.
- Oh, I hit a nerve.
You know, uh...
What the hell was I thinking
bringing my sister as my date?
You're dating your sister?
Well, no, not anymore,
because we just broke up.
[knock at door]
I came to apologize.
Hmm. Well, just make
sure you use small words
or I might not understand it.
Okay. I deserve that.
Nicki, I'm not ashamed of you.
I'm ashamed of myself
for the way I treated you.
Keep going.
You're right. You're right, I...
I am a phony.
Oh, no matter what I do or
however successful I become,
I always still see myself
as weird little Stewie
from staten island.
Trying to run away
from him all my life.
Well, maybe it's time
you stopped running.
Maybe it is.
I'm sorry about tonight.
You deserve better.
Ugh, come on. It's what family does.
We show how much we love each other
by making each other miserable.
Well, then there was a lot of
love in that room tonight.
Oh, yeah, there was!
You know what?
I'm gonna email Dr. Grayson,
tell him I don't want any
part of that snooty practice.
- He kicked ya out, didn't he?
- On my ass.
Haskell? Did you tell Phil you
didn't go through with it?
No. I didn't have the balls.
And now... Neither does he.
I hope you're happy.
Thanks to you,
that poor man is upstairs
writhing in pain, knowing
he can never conceive.
Hey, baby.
- You lying coward!
- Huh?
I thought we had an agreement.
Oh, no, no, no,
it's not what you think.
I'm just working through...
I'm working through the pain.
Oh, really? I hardly believe
that a man who's had a
vasectomy could do this.
Wait a second.
You didn't get it done either.
Yes. But I had
a really good reason.
Uhhuh? And what's that?
I was scared like a little girl.
What's yours?
Well, I figured maybe
someday I will want kids.
That and the little girl thing.
Yeah. Well, at least
we learned one thing.
Never make a
life-changing decision in a bar.
Right? I should get
that tattooed on my chest.
Yeah.
I've always wanted a tattoo.
Me too. I'll do it if you do it.
I'll do it if you do it.
- Let's do it!
- Yeah!
If I'm beaming, it's because
something wonderful has happened.
I'm about to become a partner
in the most prestigious
dental practice in New York City.
- Oh.
- Wow, Stuart.
Sounds incredibly snooty
and overpriced.
Ah...
Oh, it is. [Laughter]
I've met the partners.
They love my work.
There's just one final hurdle.
The swimsuit competition?
[Clears throat]
The senior partner is hosting
a dinner party to make
sure that we all mesh socially.
My companion for the evening
will be a woman of extraordinary
beauty and sophistication.
Well, you've gotta spend
money to make money.
Stuart, I'm really happy for you.
- Congratulations.
- Yes, me too.
- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- Oh, well, I...
I wouldn't say no to
a celebratory libation.
How the hell did we pop
out of the same womb?
What a day.
I just got a text from a
young lady I used to date
that she might be pregnant.
- Oh.
- My God, Phil.
I know.
I spent an hour sweating it out
waiting for the results.
And?
And the pee stick
came back negative.
Oh!
Yeah. She even sent me a picture.
Oh. What a cute little minus sign.
Phil, let me be the first to say
you're an idiot.
How the hell could
you let this happen?
I use protection.
It's not my fault
I have super sperm
that can bust through latex.
I hear you.
When you're out there
as much as we are,
sooner or later, one of your
boys is gonna pull a Houdini.
- Listen, Phil.
- Hmm?
Eventually, your
luck is gonna run out.
Now might be the right time
to start thinking about making
some serious changes.
You're absolutely right.
I've been thinking about
getting a vasectomy.
I read a study that said
that women are more
likely to sleep with a man
who's had a vasectomy.
That could be just the little push
I've been needing at closing time.
- Well, I'll do it if you do it.
- And I'll do it if you do it.
We'll do it together.
We'll be snip buddies.
I would be proud to get
neutered with you.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Yeah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You guys.
This is a life-changing decision.
I mean, how do you know you won't
wanna have kids someday?
She's right. You want kids?
- No, you?
- No.
Thank you.
I'm still trying to decide
what to wear to the party.
Should I go with my classic brioni
or my more relaxed Armani?
Well, that depends. Are you
wearing your hair up or down?
Mm.
[Cell phone rings] You know...
Oh, it's my date for Saturday night.
[Chuckles] Bonjour, ma cherie.
[Chuckles] [Clears throat]
She's French. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Ca va bien. Et toi?
Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Well, that's a load of horse crap.
Uh, hello? Hello?
She just canceled on me,
some nonsense about
having to fly to Paris for work.
Mm.
Sounds like you're le screwed.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't have a date for the party.
- Oh, what's the big deal? Just go alone.
- I can't. I already rsvped plus-one.
How's that gonna look?
Three partners, their wives,
me, an empty chair.
No, no, no, I have to find
someone to replace her.
Well, if it helps you out,
I'll go with you.
Who could I possibly find
at this late hour?
Yoo hoo? Hello? I am asking you out.
Thank you, but I don't
think it would work out.
Why not?
Well, for one thing, you're my sister.
Uh, well, it wouldn't be the first time
you took a relative to a party.
[Chuckles]
Nicki, no offense, but you're
just not what I had in mind.
That's okay.
No offense taken.
- Okay.
- Yeah, come here.
You have something on your shirt.
- What?
- Yeah, right here...
Ow, oh! Ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[Upbeat music]
The Exes - S03E19
My Fair Stuart
[Knocks at door]
Yeah, come on in.
- Hey, Stuart, what's up?
- I'm desperate.
My date for the partners'
dinner bailed on me.
I've called every woman I know.
At this point, I just need a warm body.
Will you go with me?
You know what's sad?
That's the exact same way
I got asked to my prom.
Just l'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You know what? That came out wrong.
Look, you're charming. You're beautiful.
You're sophisticated.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put the shovel down. I'll go.
Oh.
Thank you. Thank you.
Aw, I can almost see my
name on the door now.
Grayson, Davidson,
Gardner, and Fischbach.
Dr. Larry Fischbach?
Yeah. Oh, my God.
How perfect is this?
- You know him?
- Oh, I know him.
I represented his ex-wife
in their divorce.
I gutted him like a fish...
Bach.
Well, you're useless.
What am I supposed to do?
- [Knocks at door]
- Hi, hi.
- What about Eden?
- Eden?
You're right. She's smart.
She's funny. She's pretty.
[Chuckles]
- Eden, what the hell happened?
- Do me a favor.
If you ever hear me say the words,
"I bet I can catch a
champagne cork in my mouth,"
stop me.
Hey, Nicki.
What?
Well, I've been thinking
about your generous offer
to accompany me to the
dinner party Saturday night.
And, you know, upon reflection...
Crapped out, huh?
- Big time.
- Yeah.
Nicki, will you please go with me?
- Please.
- One more please?
- Please.
- Nah, I got plans.
Aw.
Come on, I'm yanking your chain.
I'll go with you.
Aw. Thank you, Nicki. [Chuckles]
Yes! Whoo, hoo!
Sorry. Just got excited.
My sister agreed to go out with me.
[Chuckles]
- [Hums]
- Finally.
Where the hell had you
go for food, man?
Jersey? Actually, yes.
But for sonic, it's worth it.
It's made to order, and it's brought out
by a lovely young
woman on roller skates.
Well, who needs her when
I got you, big guy?
Well, I wasn't fishing for compliments,
but thanks.
[Chuckles]
Hey, guys.
Look who I found in the lobby.
You remember Cooper from upstairs?
- Yeah, hi, kid.
- Hey, what's up, man?
Hey.
Hey, Phil.
Couldn't you see
yourself tossing a ball around
with a kid like this
on a Sunday afternoon?
Uhhuh.
And Haskell, wouldn't it be great
to have a kid like this to wake you up
in case there was a fire?
If I wanted to know if there was a fire,
I would've put a battery in that thing.
Anyway, I know what you're up to.
Yeah, you're not gonna change our minds
about having the procedure.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
It's just that sometimes
in our busy, single lives,
we lose sight of the
joys of having children.
How come you don't have kids?
Well, little guy,
I just haven't met the right man yet.
What if you don't?
I will. He's out there somewhere.
[Laughs] But what if he isn't?
I said he is.
My mom said, "your boat has sailed."
My boat is fine.
It just hasn't left the dock in a while.
- Hey.
- Hi, Nicki.
Whatcha doin' here?
Well, I come bearing gifts.
I bought you a little something
to wear to the party.
Stuart, what do you think, I'm some
rube that doesn't know how to dress?
I think I'll wear whatever I...
- Ooh, that is nice.
- Mmhmm.
[Chuckles]
Thank you. It's Kate spade.
Oh. We have to date more often.
Okay, now, remember,
no one at the party
can know that you're my sister.
Yes, I know. I know.
I'm your date Nicki.
Actually, you're my date Nicole.
What? What's wrong with Nicki?
- It is my name.
- I know.
But Nicole sounds elegant.
Nicki sounds like someone
who would pay you a visit
if the jets don't cover the spread.
All right, all right,
you sprung for the dress.
- I will give you Nicole.
- Thank you.
Now, all we have to do is
come up with an occupation for you.
I've got one, Bartender.
Okay, but how about we
class it up a little bit
and call you "master sommelier"?
Hm? Ah.
How much do you know about wine?
What's there to know?
There's white, red, rose, and fizzy.
Oh, I'm so screwed.
Stuart, come on. I'm kidding with you.
- Will you lighten up?
- I can't, I can't.
Look, being a part of
a practice like this
is something I've
dreamed of all my life.
Well, listen, you
don't have to worry about me.
I'm great at parties.
I know how to tawk to people.
You mean you know how to talk to people.
- Right, that's what I said.
- [Chuckles]
No, you said "tawk."
It's "talk."
- That's right, tawk.
- No, talk.
- Tawk.
- Talk.
- Tawk.
- There's no W in "talk."
Okay, fine, tawk, tawk,
and now I am wawking you to the dawr.
- There's no "W" in "door."
- Oh, shut up.
[Doorbell rings]
Stuart. Come on in.
- Glad you could make it.
- Thank you.
And who is this lovely lady?
Ah, this is my date, Nicole.
Nicole, I'd like you to
meet Dr. Nicholas Grayson.
Please. My friends call me Nicky.
- Oh.
- What a nice name.
Pleasure to meet you.
Stuart, Nicole,
this is my wife, Miriam.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Please, call me Micki.
Oh.
Another nice name.
That is an absolutely gorgeous dress.
Oh, thank you.
It's Kate Spade.
Yes, Stuart surprised me with it.
He said, "no occasion, just because."
[Laughter]
Good for you, Stuart.
It is important to
keep the romance alive.
Yes. I completely agree.
[Mutters indistinctly]
- Stuart.
- Thank God!
Hello. Hello.
Dr. Davidson, hello. Hi.
- This is my date, Nicole.
- This is my wife, Tanner.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you.
You look awfully familiar.
Oh, I don't think we know each other.
Are you sure?
Where'd you go to school?
She went to Vassar.
I went to Vassar.
Oh, what are the odds? [Laughter]
Well, we're about the same age.
Oh, you must have known Lindsey Pruit.
- You know, I don't...
- Actually, yes!
Yes, I do remember Lindsey.
Yeah, she was the one who
was always bragging about...
- Her horses.
- Mmm. Right, right.
And then she was going
out with that, uh...
- Frederick.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, what a bore!
We were so relieved when they broke up.
Yes. I was so happy when
she finally met, uh...
Susan.
I did not see that coming.
Well...
[Whimpers]
[Panting, whimpering]
Ow... ow... ow... ow...
[Grunts]
The doctor said there, uh...
There'd be some discomfort
and mild swelling.
Mild? I feel like I'm
smuggling egg plants
between my legs!
Aah!
The worst part is over. Look.
Now all you have to do
is put these on.
On what?
Well, according to the
post surgical instructions,
you have to wear them for support.
Okay.
But there's gonna be some overflow.
It also says here you're gonna
need some ice for the swelling.
I'll go get you some. Does it say
when I can have sex again?
It says in a week.
Please let it be me.
You guys are...
Ow!
Ow...
Don't you "ow" me.
You didn't go through with it, did you?
I was planning to, and
then the nurse came in
and she said the most
terrifying thing I ever heard.
- What?
- Mr. Lutz...
You're next.
Nicki, I need to use the restroom.
Well, aren't you a big
boy for letting me know?
You gonna be okay if
I leave you here alone?
Stuart, would you knock it off?
You've been babysitting
me all night... go pee-pee. Go!
Oh, wonderful news.
The orchestra we want is available
for Ralph and Laura's wedding.
Great! I'm paying for 30 musicians,
and our son can't dance a step.
What? Who can't dance?
Our son Ralph.
What? That's ridiculous!
I can teach him.
That's very kind of you,
but you don't have to.
No, I have to. A groom
has to dance at his own wedding!
Come on. We can do it right now.
- Now?
- Yes. No time like the present.
Come on, let's get it going!
Hey, Docs, I need
you to move this table.
Make a little room here.
Right. Get a little exercise
in ya, right?
And do you have anything
with like a Latin beat?
- I think so.
- Great!
What's, uh, what's going on?
We doing some kind of party game?
No, your girlfriend is about to
give the Graysons' son a dance lesson.
- She's what?
- Yeah!
'Scuse me. Nicole. Nicole.
- Yeah?
- 'Scuse me.
- What the hell are you doing? Sit down!
- Oh, would you relax, Stuart? I got this.
What is keeping that klutz?
- Here he is.
- Oh!
Hello. I'm Ralph.
Hi, Ralph.
Well, congratulations on your wedding.
- Well, thanks.
- What's the matter with you?
- You can't dance?
- Dancing just isn't my thing.
No? Well, I can teach you, okay?
Now, just let the music take you.
Don't think too much about it. Okay.
One hand here. One hand here.
Now, just let the music take you.
[Latin music starts]
Don't think. Here we go.
We're gonna go quick, quick, slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
Yeah, this is not great. You know what?
Get your hips into it, man! Come on!
There ya go! Quick, quick, slow...
That's right. Okay,
you're gonna turn me.
Don't be scared. Oh, yes!
Very good. I got this.
Yeah, you got... What's this?
What's this... What do you know?
- It's all in the hips.
- Yeah, it is all in the hips,
isn't it? Uh-huh!
Uh-oh, look at... Oh. Okay.
Well, I did have a lesson in college.
Or two. Yeah? Uh-huh.
Oh! Okay, listen.
Oh, I ain't scared of you, buddy.
I'll do it. Let's do it!
Let's do it. Oh, my!
Oh, yeah, okay, come on...
Whoo! Very strong.
You know what?
For a beginner, you are not that bad.
I know. I know.
I think I'm ready for dancing
with the stars.
Okay.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Button that back up, okay?
Nicole, that was wonderful!
Oh, my pleasure!
And on that lovely note,
the dinner is ready.
[Chuckles]
Wow.
Wow! You almost gave me a coronary.
Somehow it all worked out.
- Somehow.
- Yeah.
- I didn't know you could dance.
- Yeah. You didn't think
I could dance or dress
myself or talk to people.
You know what?
These people accept me,
where as you... You're ashamed of me.
- That's not true.
- Oh, that's not true?
"She's not a bartender.
She's a sommelier.
"She didn't go to Community College.
She went to Vassar."
Keep your voice down, Nicole.
That's another thing.
You're even ashamed of my name.
And do you know why?
Because you are a phony.
- I am not.
- Oh, really?
I'm Stuart Gardner,
big-shot dentist on Park Avenue.
Well, let me tell you something, okay?
At the end of the day,
you are still little Stewie
from Staten Island.
- You take that back.
- I will not.
- Take it back.
- Oh, I hit a nerve.
You know, uh...
What the hell was I thinking
bringing my sister as my date?
You're dating your sister?
Well, no, not anymore,
because we just broke up.
[knock at door]
I came to apologize.
Hmm. Well, just make
sure you use small words
or I might not understand it.
Okay. I deserve that.
Nicki, I'm not ashamed of you.
I'm ashamed of myself
for the way I treated you.
Keep going.
You're right. You're right, I...
I am a phony.
Oh, no matter what I do or
however successful I become,
I always still see myself
as weird little Stewie
from staten island.
Trying to run away
from him all my life.
Well, maybe it's time
you stopped running.
Maybe it is.
I'm sorry about tonight.
You deserve better.
Ugh, come on. It's what family does.
We show how much we love each other
by making each other miserable.
Well, then there was a lot of
love in that room tonight.
Oh, yeah, there was!
You know what?
I'm gonna email Dr. Grayson,
tell him I don't want any
part of that snooty practice.
- He kicked ya out, didn't he?
- On my ass.
Haskell? Did you tell Phil you
didn't go through with it?
No. I didn't have the balls.
And now... Neither does he.
I hope you're happy.
Thanks to you,
that poor man is upstairs
writhing in pain, knowing
he can never conceive.
Hey, baby.
- You lying coward!
- Huh?
I thought we had an agreement.
Oh, no, no, no,
it's not what you think.
I'm just working through...
I'm working through the pain.
Oh, really? I hardly believe
that a man who's had a
vasectomy could do this.
Wait a second.
You didn't get it done either.
Yes. But I had
a really good reason.
Uhhuh? And what's that?
I was scared like a little girl.
What's yours?
Well, I figured maybe
someday I will want kids.
That and the little girl thing.
Yeah. Well, at least
we learned one thing.
Never make a
life-changing decision in a bar.
Right? I should get
that tattooed on my chest.
Yeah.
I've always wanted a tattoo.
Me too. I'll do it if you do it.
I'll do it if you do it.
- Let's do it!
- Yeah!