The Exes (2011–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Party - full transcript

Good morning.

Isn't it
the most beautiful morning?

Excuse me, ma'am,
but do we know you?

If you're trying to imply

that I've been locked
in my apartment with a man,

having an insane amount of sex--
guilty.

Look at you
all giddy and girly.

We usually only get that look
from Stuart.

Holly, I gotta tell you,
it's great to see you happy.

Oh, I'm more than happy.

I know it's only been
a few weeks,



but I think Paul and I
might be in love.

- Oh, good for you.
- Wow.

And, listen,
I speak for all of us

when I say, "It's high time
we met your beau."

I agree with grandma.
Let's meet this guy.

Yeah, tonight.
Bring him by for a drink.

You're right.

It's time the most
important man in my life

meets the most important men
in my life.

- You guys are gonna love him.
- Oh, come on.

If you like him,
we'll like him.

Thanks.

If she likes him, there's
something wrong with him.

No doubt.



That woman's the worst
man-picker in the world.

That's why
I would never be a woman.

Oh.

You'd have to trust men.

But-but, tonight
we're gonna check this guy out.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I'm thinking
bacon wrapped scallops

with asparagus tips
and shaved parmesan.

What does that have
to do with anything?

Well, he might turn out
to be a creep,

but there's no reason
our manners shouldn't sparkle.

Well, I'm gonna give Paul
a thorough background check.

You happen
to be in the presence

of a licensed
Internet detective.

I was first in my class

♪ Just call us the exes

Hey, so what'd you dig up
on Paul?

Turns out there are
2,300 Paul Thompsons

in the Tristate area.

If I'm gonna do
a thorough background check,

I'm gonna need DNA.

And you know what that means.

You distract him
while I scrape his tongue.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm not doing that.

All right, well,
I'll just go old school,

and get his fingerprints
off a glass.

Well, well.

I'm gonna find out
what this guy's about

the way my dad did
with my sister's dates.

The key is in the stare.

How's that work?

Okay, scallops are
almost ready.

It's my very own recipe.

Is it?

It's your very own recipe, huh?

You wouldn't be trying
to pull one over on me,

now would you, son?

All right, fine.

I got it from
the Michael Voltaggio cookbook.

See?
No one gets by the stare.

Well, listen.

You know how I'm gonna find out
if Paul's right for Holly?

I'm gonna ask about his mother.

Because if you can't love
your mother,

you can't love another.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Guys, I'd like you
to meet my boyfriend Paul.

My boyfriend Paul, I'd like you

to meet Haskell,
Phil and Stuart.

Guys, my boyfriend Paul.

Hi.

In case you didn't catch that,
I'm her boyfriend Paul.

Well, thanks for having me over.

I'm glad
I'm finally meeting you guys.

I brought some wine.

Oh, let me get some glasses.

Wasn't that thoughtful of Paul?

Well, my mom taught me
to never show up empty-handed.

Ah, your mother, huh?

Ah, you two close?

She was my best friend.

Until she passed.

Yeah, yeah, but before that.
Things were good?

Uh, uh, Phil, you and Paul
have a lot in common.

You both like golf.

Is that right, Paul?

You're into golf?

Golf's your game, huh, son?

Yeah, I love the game.
I get out whenever I can.

Well, which one is it, Paul?

Do you love the game,

or do you get out
whenever you can?

Or is love just a word
you throw around?

Well, I, uh, I mean,

well, I thought
I loved the game.

I enjoy putting.

We have wine.

Here we go.

Holly, there's one for you.

And Phil,
there's one for you there.

And I've got mine.
And...here's yours.

Uh, could we have one
without Haskell's fist in it?

No, it's okay.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To Holly, the most won--

Oh, you got some fingerprints
on your glass!

Let me get you another.

Crap!

Okay, hope you're hungry.
Hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, I'm starved.

Oh, scallops.
I really can't.

What do you mean, you can't?

Well, I just never got
a taste for them.

Mom called them bottom feeders.

She's gone, Paul.
Have a scallop.

The man said no.

Look, could we just try to make
our guest feel comfortable?

Shall we?

- Ow!
- Got it.

You had a gray hair.

You're welcome.

You know, uh,
I'm just gonna call it a night,

it was nice meeting you all.

You mean it, Paul?

Do you really mean it?

No, not really.

Holly.

What the hell's wrong
with you guys?

Are you crazy?

How could you be so rude
to my boyfriend Paul?

Where did that come from?

So, what do you think?

If I wasn't pregnant
and was a guy,

I'd totally tap that.

Really? You mean it?

Oh, yeah.

So where exactly
is Paul taking you tomorrow?

I don't know.

He just said
that it was a great party,

and it's a surprise.

I'll get it.

Hi, Eden.

Holly, it's the three guys
who tried to destroy your life.

Tell them I'm not here.

Come on, we know we screwed up.

Yeah, we just are here
to apologize.

How could you guys
treat Paul like that?

Do you know how hard
it was for her

to find someone like him?

At her age?

This could be the last train
out of the station.

Last gas before freeway.

I mean, the woman is
on final markdown.

No offer too low.
Everything must go.

- We're are talking--
- All right, all right, Eden.

I'll take it from here.

I mean it.
She's past her expiration date.

Okay, thank you.

What were you guys thinking?

Look, we may have been
a little overzealous.

We--we were just trying
to find out more about Paul.

Yeah, and let's be honest,

you haven't been the best
man-picker in the past.

Look, we're sorry.

So am I.

I made a mockery of everything

Well, the person you really
should be apologizing to

is Paul.

- All right.
- You got it.

Well, but, I mean,
you forgive us?

Yeah, well, come on.

You know me.
I don't hold grudges.

I'm not a vindictive person.

Ooh!

Huh. Turns out I am
a vindictive person.

Oh, he's here, guys.
He's here.

Hey, hey...

Paul, thanks for meeting us,
man.

Uh, have a seat.

Yeah, can I get you a drink?

I'm good.

So what do you guys want?

Uh, listen, Paul.

We know why you're mad.

And you have every right to be.

What we're trying to say
is that we're really sorry.

We were just trying
to look out for Holly.

Yeah, we just went about it
all wrong.

Yeah, you did.

But I appreciate the apology.

And the truth is, that I'm glad

that Holly has friends
that care about her so much.

So you're cool?

Yeah, I'm cool.

It's just too bad.

What's too bad?

Had things gone well
last night,

I was planning
on inviting you guys

to a party De Niro's having
at his loft tomorrow night.

De Niro?

As in Robert De Niro?

That's the one.

He was a client at my old firm,
and we got close.

And it's being catered
by that celebrity chef.

What's his name?
Michael Vol--

Voltaggio, Voltaggio,
Voltaggio!

- Voltaggio.
- Voltaggio!

Michael Voltaggio!
He's a culinary God.

That's the guy.

And they're inviting a bunch
of Victoria's secret models.

Paul, I feel
like we've gotten off

on the wrong foot.

But now that we're a band
of brothers,

do you think that you could
find it in your heart,

to get us in?

I'm just messing with you guys.

There's no party.

- We deserved it.
- Yeah, we had it coming.

- Definitely had that coming.
- Had it coming.

I'm just messing with you guys.

There is a party.

Yes!

But I can only take one of you.

I'm just messing with you.

There is a party
and you're all invited.

Holly's right.
You are fun.

Victoria's secret!

Well, I'm ready
to meet some supermodels.

I'm shaved, waxed, plucked
and perfumed.

You trying to meet one
or become one?

Huh?

Still can't believe I'm meeting
Michael Voltaggio tonight.

Yo, poppin' fresh.

What's all this stuff?

Well, just a few things
for Michael to sign.

I was gonna bring more,
but I don't want

to come off as a creepy fanboy.

Well, you do.

Put that stuff away.

You're gonna embarrass us.

Haskell,
what do you have there?

Uh, it's a screenplay,
for De Niro,

I've been working on.

He's the only one

with the charisma and the chops

to pull off the lead.

- Who's he play?
- Me.

It's
a semi-autobiographical film

called Dial M For Mother.

Hey, guys, nothing personal,

but when we get to the party,

you don't know me.

Hey, Haskell,
let me get my party pass.

- Oh, yeah.
- I don't have 'em.

- What are you talking about?
- What?

Paul said he was gonna have
them messengered over

from his apartment.

Yeah, well, I haven't seen 'em.

I thought one of you
signed for 'em.

Paul's not answering his phone.

Why isn't he answering
his phone?

If I don't meet
Michael Voltaggio,

I'm gonna die!

The passes are probably still
at his apartment.

So why don't you
head over there

while Haskell and I wait here
for the messenger?

- Good, good, good.
- Great, great.

That'll give me a chance
to tweak the ending.

I'm not quite sure
how mother dies.

I have 20 different scenarios,

all of them satisfying.

Who is it?

Oh, hi,
it's a friend of Paul's.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I in the right place?

- Does Paul Thompson live here?
- He sure does.

Can I help you?

Huh?

Uh, yeah, uh,

Paul was supposed

to messenger
over some party passes,

but they never arrived.

That's Paul.
He can be pretty forgetful.

Oh, he definitely forgot
to mention a few things.

- Come in.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, let me look
for those passes.

Okay.

Found 'em.

You know,

this looks a lot like
a wedding photo

of you and Paul.

Really?
What gave it away?

The gown, the tux,

or the engraving that says
"Our wedding day"?

Okay.

Uh, thank you.

Uh, see ya.

Should I mention
to Paul you stopped by?

Oh, don't worry.
He's gonna hear it from me.

Look at the beautiful babies.

Look at the beautiful babies!

I'll see you guys up there.

Finally!

- You got the passes?
- We have a problem.

You don't have the passes?

Yes, I have the passes.

Then we don't have a problem.

Paul's married.

What do you mean "married"?

Married, married.

As in I went to his apartment
to get the passes,

and I met his wife.

Are you sure it was his wife?

Yes, I'm sure.
I saw their wedding photos.

Oh, man.
She's gonna be devastated.

I know, I know.

Well, the sooner we tell her,
the better,

and she's on her way over here
with Paul.

So this thing ends
here and now.

Uh, she's gonna need us.

So...guess we can forget
about the party.

- Yeah.
- La, la, la, la, la.

Let's not be hasty.

I mean, we could tell her now.

But why?

Men on death row
have a last meal.

Why shouldn't she have
a last party?

You make a good point, Haskell.

Yeah, we should put on
a brave face,

and let Holly have her night.

We should do this for Holly.

No, no.

We must do this for Holly.

So you two have no problem
going to a party,

knowing that your friend
is on the arm of a married man?

You selfish--
Michael Voltaggio.

It's him, that's him.
Michael! Hey, Michael!

Uh, hey, man.
What's cooking?

Uh, you are!
I love you.

So, Stuart, you were saying?

I was saying we've got
to do the right thing,

and tell Holly.

- Oh.
- All right.

- Right after the party.
- Yay!

Oh.

- Oh...
- Gentlemen, we have arrived.

I got to find Bobby D.

If my blueprints are accurate,

the den is...

That way.

Ho, baby girl, baby girl,
baby girl, baby girl!

Totally recognize her.

She was on the cover
of last month's Cosmo.

You read Cosmo?

Female orgasms
don't just happen.

Well, they happen tonight.

Excuse me.

How you doing?

I'm bored.

Amuse me.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You think just because
you're incredibly hot,

I'm here to entertain you?

'Cause I am.
Michael Jackson leg kick.

Bow!

You're funny.

Meet me on the patio
in five minutes.

You can make out
with me and my girlfriend.

♪ Hee hee hee

Excuse me.

Would you like
to try one of these?

Uh, smoked salmon
scallion waffle

with horseradish snow,

page 73
of your latest cookbook?

Okay.

So you're a fan, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, how'd you like
to see the kitchen?

You mean,
I could watch you cook?

You can help me cook.

I got to work the room first.

I'll grab you when I'm ready.

Yeah, okay, okay.

I met him.
I met him.

You met De Niro?

His body double's cousin.

He's getting me an intro.

I'm about
to cook with Michael Voltaggio.

Oh, yeah, well,
I'm about to have me

a supermodel sundae
with Phil on top.

Excuse me.
Hey, guys.

Can you believe
where we are?

And it's all because
of my boyfriend Paul.

Isn't he the best?

I'll get us something to drink.

Okay.

Oh, you know, I don't think

I could be any happier
than I am at this moment.

At this amazing party
with the man I love

and my three best friends.

I just wanted to say

that even though
I was angry about the other day,

deep down I was touched

that you guys
were looking out for me,

that I always have
three brothers who have my back.

- I'd like to propose a toast.
- Oh!

To who? Your wife?

You married bastard.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah, yeah.

I went to Paul's apartment
to pick up our party passes,

and his wife answered the door.

Tell 'em they're crazy.

Why aren't you telling them
they're crazy?

I can explain.

Explain!

Oh, my God, there's something
to explain!

No, no, Holly.

The woman Stuart met
is my ex-wife.

We each got half of
the apartment in the divorce.

But if either of us moves out
before we sell,

the other can stake a claim
to the place.

I'd lose a fortune.

But it's a big apartment,

and we live
completely separate lives.

Uh-huh.

I never want to see you again.

"Go away.

I don't want
to talk about it."

Naw, she doesn't mean that.

"I mean it.
Go away."

She's probably not even here.

"I'm in the bedroom.

Bring the rest
of the pizza."

Holly? You in here?

Put the pizza down.

And don't tell me
everything's gonna be okay.

Holly, come on out.

Oh, okay.

You guys were right.

I'm a bad man-picker.

I'm so embarrassed.

I feel like such an idiot!

Don't.

This time
I think you picked a good one.

- A good one?
- Yeah.

He's living with another woman.

Yeah, but it's his ex-wife.

Look, Holly.

I lived over Lorna's garage
for six months,

before you found me
the apartment with these guys.

It's hard
to make a clean break.

I mean, Margo and I still have
a half-stake

in a vending machine
at a gas station.

We're still
in each other's lives

when it comes to condoms,
combs, and lady things.

Oh, I got thrown out,
so this wasn't an issue.

Even if he has a reason
for living with his ex,

I can't believe
he didn't tell me.

How am I ever gonna
trust him again?

You're gonna have
to take a leap of faith.

And, yeah, sure,
there's a chance

you're gonna get
your heart broken again.

But guess what?

This guy may be worth it.

Hi.

Hi.

Holly, I'm so sorry.

I know I messed up.

I should have told you sooner.

Then why didn't you?

Things between us
happened so fast.

And the closer we got,
the happier I was...

...the more afraid I got...

...of losing you.

But not as afraid as I am right now.

Okay, here's the deal.

Never ever hide anything from me again.

Cause I'll find out.

And if I don't, the three
guys in my bedroom will.

I will kick your ass, man!

Deal.

- I'm so sorry.
- I know.

And to show you

that nothing means more to me
than your happiness,

I moved out of the apartment
and checked in in a hotel.

Are you crazy?

You're giving the place to her?

A huge corp on Central Park West?
What kind of lawyer are you?

He, he, hey, where are you going?

To move my boyfriend back in
with his ex wife.