The Exes (2011–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - Pirates of the Care of Eden - full transcript
Against his better judgment, Phil gives the gang a tour of his boss' yacht with chaotic results.
Well, we're actually done
with lamaze.
We graduated.
Yeah, you know,
I'm gonna kind of miss
all our classmates.
Weepy girl.
Sweaty, nervous guy.
"Having the kid
to save the marriage" couple.
I think they could've come up
with a better way
to send us off, though,
than to show us
that horror film.
You mean the birthing video?
Yeah, that.
Did you see all that stuff
coming out of there?
It's like the world's
most disgusting water park ride.
Eden, it's beautiful.
It's the most natural thing
in the world.
Says the woman
who doesn't have to push
a costco-size jar of mayo
out of her canoochie.
Okay, the only thing keeping me
from completely freaking out
is knowing
you'll be by my side.
You got it, right by your side.
I'm gonna go nappy.
- You're my rock, Holly.
- Rock solid, baby.
Yeah?
- Hey, Holly.
- Oh, hey.
Uh, listen, I found some stuff
in the hallway.
Baby wipes, vaseline--
And nipple cream.
Either it's Eden's,
or I just learned way too much
- about Haskell.
- Ah.
Well, it's parting gifts
from Lamaze class. Thanks.
Ah, just think...
In a few weeks,
you're gonna be witnessing
first-hand
the miracle of childbirth.
- Pretty exciting stuff, huh?
- I can't do it, Stuart!
I can't do it!
What, what, what?
You can't do what?
I can't be in the room
when Eden gives birth.
Well, sure, you can.
It's the most natural thing
in the world.
Don't give me that crap!
I saw the film.
There was less Gore and blood
in saw ii.
God!
I can't stand to see
people I love in pain.
Oh!
I'm in way over my head.
What was I thinking?
Well, listen.
What about the Hubners?
I mean, she's their surrogate.
Aren't they gonna be
in the room with her?
No.
She doesn't want them there,
lucky bastards.
She wants someone there
she can trust, a friend.
- What am I gonna do?
- Well,
fortunately, for you,
you live across the hall
from a highly-trained,
trustworthy
medical professional.
That surgeon
moved out months ago.
- No, me. Me!
- Oh.
I'm a dentist.
People's pain?
Pfft.
Means nothing to me.
Oh, that--
that came out wrong.
What I mean is, I'd be happy
to be in the delivery room
with Eden.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you, Stuart.
- You just saved my life!
- Well, I'm a dentist.
It's what we do.
♪ We lost our homes
♪ we lost our wives
♪ three strangers,
what we gonna do? ♪
♪ our divorce lawyer said
♪ she'll put a roof
over our head ♪
♪ yeah,
she came to our rescue ♪
♪ she's where we go
when our hearts are broken ♪
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- So how'd Eden take it?
- Mm.
- Take what?
- I couldn't tell her.
Tell her what?
Every time I tried,
she'd look up at me
with those huge,
Bambi pregnant eyes,
- and call me a rock.
- What rock?
Look, you have to tell her.
You can't put this off.
Enough!
Nobody puts Haskell
in the corner.
Fine.
Look--look, Holly can't handle
being in the delivery room
with Eden,
so she asked me to step in.
He's a dentist.
His medical training
ends at the chin.
Why was I not asked?
Look, obviously,
Holly felt comfortable
that in her stead
was a highly-trained,
- highly-esteemable--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're in, too.
Look, I gotta get Eden
in a really good mood
before I tell her, so tonight,
we're gonna take her
to a fabulous restaurant,
let her eat herself
into a food coma,
and just as she's slipping
out of consciousness,
I'm gonna let her know
that the gentle female presence
she was counting on
is now gonna be you two clowns.
Guys,
uh, I got a problem,
- and I need your advice.
- What?
- What's the matter?
- Does one wear Prada or Armani
to a bangin' party on a yacht,
'cause that's where big papa's
gonna be tonight!
Definitely wear the Prada,
because I'm gonna be wearing
my Armani knock off,
and we don't wanna look
like twins.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, my God, this is perfect!
Even better than a dinner.
Look, I gotta get Eden
in a really good mood,
and a party on a bangin' boat
would do it!
The invitation didn't say
"Bring your pushy friends."
All right?
This is a business party
on my boss' yacht.
This is my job, people.
- And Eden's your friend.
- Hmm.
That little pregnant woman
is doing one of the most
selfless things
a person can do,
And you can't bring her
on a boat to make her happy?
That's not the Phil
- that I know.
- Nor I.
I hate you people.
Okay.
- Holly, this is boat is insane.
- Are you happy?
- Yeah.
- I made it happen for you.
Remember, big points for me.
Hey, there, Eden, grab my hand.
That's okay, Holly's got me.
- She's my rock.
- Yeah, well,
it never hurts to have back up.
Yeah, in case your rock
crumbles like bleu cheese.
- What took you guys so long?
- Oh, well, we had to stop
at the drugstore
and pick up seasick patches
for you-know-who.
Only a fool
would taunt Neptune.
Okay.
Patches on.
- Let's party.
- Oh, no, no, no, no party.
I told you the best
I could do was a quick tour,
then, you leave.
Everyone's happy,
and I don't end up
working at Kinko's.
Don't worry,
captain kill-joy.
We're not gonna embarrass you.
Hey.
Somebody hold my waist.
I wanna yell
"I'm king of the world!"
Haskell, take my phone
and get a picture
of Holly and me.
- Oh, I want a picture, too!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
- get one with me.
- All right, look, guys.
One picture.
Everybody in it.
We'll call it "The gang
before they took a quick tour,
and then got the hell off
the boat."
Ready.
One, two--
Hello, Phil.
Grant.
Oh, hey.
You know what?
Get in the picture.
Give the phone to that guy.
That's my boss.
Listen, Grant,
I hope you don't mind.
I was just giving them
a quick tour of the boat.
I understand.
I've made mistakes
in my career, too.
Get rid of them.
It was nice meeting you!
- Yeah.
- Great boat!
Awesome.
I'm sorry, guys.
You--you gotta go.
- My boss is trippin'.
- Well, listen.
Don't worry.
It--we'll leave.
But thanks so much
for doing all this, really.
No problem.
All right, okay?
Okay, good-bye!
You know what?
Now, we're in such a great mood
for whatever happens next!
Right, Eden?
- Hey, where'd Eden go?
- Oh, no.
Come on.
We gotta find her
and get off the boat,
before Phil gets in trouble.
Uh, he's right.
We have no business being here.
Oh!
Thank you, my man.
- There you are!
- We've been looking
all over for you.
It was an arduous search.
Well, I wanted to see
the rest of the boat.
I mean, can you believe
this place?
As soon as my body snaps back,
I'm gonna hook up with a guy
who'll spin me around
in a bed like this.
This beats the kayak
I shared with mother
on our whitewater adventure.
Believe me, I thought twice
before pulling her out
of the rapids.
Okay, look.
We found Eden.
- We gotta get off the boat.
- No, I want a picture!
- No, Eden, but Phil--
- Eden wants a picture?
She's getting a picture.
- Fine.
- Holly, you're always there
- for me.
- Even when I'm not.
- Take it.
- Hang on.
I can't get it to focus.
I--I can't get anything
to focus.
Oh, my God, I'm going blind.
My mom warned me
this could happen.
Relax.
You're probably just having
- a reaction to something.
- It's probably
those stupid patches.
Let me see the box.
- Uh...
- Let's see.
Yeah, it says here,
"Possible side effects:
Dry mouth, blurred vision,
excessive weenieness."
Yeah, it's the patches.
Okay, patches off.
Patches off.
How long till I can see again?
It says the, uh, vision loss
is temporary,
but you're a weenie for life.
Okay, you guys, we should go
before the party starts.
What the hell was that?
The boat's leaving the dock.
We're heading out to sea.
Ahh, patches on, patches on.
Trapped on a luxury yacht.
Woe is me.
Hey, Grant,
great party, man.
25 years in business.
Pretty impressive.
Thanks.
I'm proud of what we built.
That's why I wanted tonight
to be just us.
You're all like family to me.
Hey, Stan, congratulations
on the new house.
He's gone Monday.
Isn't that
your brother-in-law?
That's why I gave him
till Monday.
You know, I'm feeling kind
of sentimental tonight, Phil.
I can't stop thinking
of the words they told me
when I took over the firm.
"Grant,
your father's dead."
Wow, must've been bittersweet.
How so?
What a beautiful night, huh?
- Yeah.
- Look at that view.
Well, now that we're out
to sea,
all I need is my captain's hat.
Your captain's hat!
- What's funny about that?
- Nothing, nothing, no--
Look, you know what?
Why don't you stay here
and enjoy the party,
and I'll go get it for you.
Thanks.
It's in the stateroom, Phil.
And don't try it on.
I'll know.
Does anyone else
feel like a bond girl?
Wait a second.
I hear footsteps.
I think someone's coming.
Quick! Hide!
I can't do anything quick.
I'm not moving.
I can live with that.
- What are you doing?
- I'm hiding!
All right, now, if I was
a silly ass captain's hat,
where would I be?
There it is.
Nooo!
No--oh, hell no!
Great boat, Phil.
You're not supposed to be here!
Okay, okay Phil, look at me.
You have every right
to be angry.
Sorry, Phil, we meant to leave.
Where's
the third stooge?
Tell your boss
thumbs up on the two-ply.
Guys, what happened to
a quick tour and then get off?
I'm sorry.
Well, that's we wanted to do.
Yeah, but we had to find Eden.
- Guys!
- Do you realize
I could lose my job over this?
Guys!
- Guys!
- What?
I think my water just broke.
I really hate you people.
- Oh.
- What'd the doctor say?
- What'd the doctor say?
- He said not to panic.
You hear that,
everyone, don't panic!
And he said
he'll meet us at the hospital,
and to call him
when the contractions
are ten minutes apart.
Ohh, there's one!
Oh, no, okay.
Look, Eden, you are gonna
have that baby
in that hospital, all right?
So cross your legs
and think tight thoughts.
Um, just--just push it back,
you know?
Just--just push it back.
Push--
♪ Push it back,
push it back, waaaay back ♪
♪ push it back, push it back,
waaaay back ♪
listen, you gotta go up there
and you gotta tell your boss
to turn this boat around.
Well, what am I
supposed to say?
"You know those people I was
supposed to kick off the boat?
One of them just dropped
her baby water
all over your rug.
Good, you have a plan.
Now go!
All right, I'm going,
I'm going.
But, listen, the next time
I tell you
to get off the damn boat,
get off the damn boat!
Grant!
I got your hat.
What took you so long?
I bet you were checking out
the boat, right?
Oh, yeah.
Man, you know, I--I saw things
I never expected to see.
I opened to the door
to the stateroom,
and I was like,
"Whaaat?"
Isn't it great, Phil?
Nothing like being out
on the open water.
Oh, we're getting pretty close
to where we dumped pop's ashes.
- Moment of silence?
- Yes.
- That's enough.
- Okay.
You know, Grant,
I gotta tell you,
being out here
kind of reminds me
of the parties your dad
used to throw.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
Same boat.
Same food.
Same cruise around Manhattan.
It's not exactly the same.
Jacuzzi's new.
But still, you know,
a lot of guys
would've felt the need
to go a different way,
like, maybe have the party
at the dock.
But not you.
Yeah, somewhere up there,
your dad's smiling.
I bet he is...
Smug son of a bitch.
Let's turn this boat around.
We're going back to the dock.
All right, great.
I'm gonna go tell the captain.
You just did.
I did it.
I did it!
I single-handedly turned
this boat around.
You're looking
at a new superhero,
full-of-crap-man.
Oh, thank you, Phil.
Thank you!
All right, all right,
I gotta get back to make sure
nobody comes down here.
How's Eden doing?
Ah, she's hanging in there,
but these contractions
can take a lot out of you.
Is there anything I can do?
I wouldn't say no to a slider.
You hear that, Eden?
You're gonna make it
to the hospital.
Everything is gonna be fine.
The contractions--
contractions are getting
closer.
This one's not over yet.
Holly!
I'm right here for you, honey.
Ooh, let me go get you
some ice chips!
- I'm not thirsty--
- I'm on it!
No, no, Holly, stop!
Look, I can see
what's happening here.
I'm not blind.
- I'm over here.
- Okay, listen.
You-you can't
just run out on her.
- She needs you.
- This is my worst nightmare!
I told you,
I can't handle this!
Well, you're gonna
have to tell her
that you can't be there
for her.
That was a big one!
Your contractions
are now no more minutes apart.
All right, look.
Haskell, I don't want
to freak Eden out,
but there's no way
we're gonna make it
to the hospital.
We're having this baby
on the boat.
- What?
- What?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Go make yourself useful.
Get Phil to call
- the coast guard.
- I'm on it!
Holly, where are you?
Hold my hand!
Okay.
Holly, I think
this baby's coming.
- Are you sure?
- Aaaah!
- Aaah!
- Aaahhh!
We're out of Pepsi!
Haskell, do something!
All right!
This is a crisis situation.
I'm instituting sea law.
Eden, I don't want you
to feel awkward,
so don't think of me
as your friend, Haskell.
Think of me as the man
who's going to deliver
your baby.
Oh, that's a head!
That's a head!
Holly!
Oh, hi.
I'm right here, sweetie.
Listen, it might not be
the best time
to tell you this,
but I can't do this.
- I can't handle it.
- Oh, sweetie.
- No, I understand.
- Oh, you do.
No! There's a baby
coming out of me!
Oh, there's a baby
coming out of you!
Ew, ew!
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
Now, man up and be my rock!
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Phil, go get some towels.
- Got it.
- Stuart, get over here.
Hold her hand.
Comfort her.
Okay, okay.
Take nice, deep breaths,
sweetie.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Just like we learned
in Lamaze, right?
Oh, what happened?
Welcome back, Admiral Lutz.
Um...
If anybody asks,
I spilled water on my pants.
Haskell, get up here
and support her back.
Okay, keep taking
those breaths, Eden.
Okay.
Okay, you are doing great.
All right.
Now, just keep breathing,
and give it
a little bit of a push.
Nice and gentle.
Okay, we got a shoulder.
Oh, this is hideously
beautiful.
Ah, okay--
uh, come on--
one more--
okay, here's another shoulder.
Aahhh!
Stuart, throw me those patches.
I wanna be blind!
It's so squishy and slimy.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You did it.
You did it all.
It's a beautiful,
healthy baby girl.
She's so soft.
You should be proud
of yourself.
- You did a great job.
- I did?
Yeah, baby and mother
are in perfect condition.
Oh, I'm just a surrogate.
Her parents are meeting us
at the hospital.
Point being, I'm single.
We did well, gentlemen.
Said the man with wet chinos.
Grant.
So when I said
"Get them off the boat,"
you heard "Take them
to my stateroom
and squirt out a baby."
You know, your dad
would fire me on the spot.
See you Monday, Phil.
I'm sorry I wasn't there
for you earlier, Eden.
Aw, you were there
when it mattered.
You did it.
Well, we did it.
She did it.
Yeah.
You made it here, little one.
I'm gonna miss you.
It's a wonderful thing
you did, Eden.
Oh.
It's gonna be kinda weird
giving her up.
- Yeah.
- But I already worked it out
with mommy and daddy.
I'm gonna be your aunt.
The ambulance is ready.
Wait, uh, I never got
my picture.
If Eden wants a picture,
she's getting a picture.
I got a picture in my mind
that's never gonna go away.
Can you take it?
Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, everybody say,
"Holly's a rock."
Cheese!
Close enough.
with lamaze.
We graduated.
Yeah, you know,
I'm gonna kind of miss
all our classmates.
Weepy girl.
Sweaty, nervous guy.
"Having the kid
to save the marriage" couple.
I think they could've come up
with a better way
to send us off, though,
than to show us
that horror film.
You mean the birthing video?
Yeah, that.
Did you see all that stuff
coming out of there?
It's like the world's
most disgusting water park ride.
Eden, it's beautiful.
It's the most natural thing
in the world.
Says the woman
who doesn't have to push
a costco-size jar of mayo
out of her canoochie.
Okay, the only thing keeping me
from completely freaking out
is knowing
you'll be by my side.
You got it, right by your side.
I'm gonna go nappy.
- You're my rock, Holly.
- Rock solid, baby.
Yeah?
- Hey, Holly.
- Oh, hey.
Uh, listen, I found some stuff
in the hallway.
Baby wipes, vaseline--
And nipple cream.
Either it's Eden's,
or I just learned way too much
- about Haskell.
- Ah.
Well, it's parting gifts
from Lamaze class. Thanks.
Ah, just think...
In a few weeks,
you're gonna be witnessing
first-hand
the miracle of childbirth.
- Pretty exciting stuff, huh?
- I can't do it, Stuart!
I can't do it!
What, what, what?
You can't do what?
I can't be in the room
when Eden gives birth.
Well, sure, you can.
It's the most natural thing
in the world.
Don't give me that crap!
I saw the film.
There was less Gore and blood
in saw ii.
God!
I can't stand to see
people I love in pain.
Oh!
I'm in way over my head.
What was I thinking?
Well, listen.
What about the Hubners?
I mean, she's their surrogate.
Aren't they gonna be
in the room with her?
No.
She doesn't want them there,
lucky bastards.
She wants someone there
she can trust, a friend.
- What am I gonna do?
- Well,
fortunately, for you,
you live across the hall
from a highly-trained,
trustworthy
medical professional.
That surgeon
moved out months ago.
- No, me. Me!
- Oh.
I'm a dentist.
People's pain?
Pfft.
Means nothing to me.
Oh, that--
that came out wrong.
What I mean is, I'd be happy
to be in the delivery room
with Eden.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you, Stuart.
- You just saved my life!
- Well, I'm a dentist.
It's what we do.
♪ We lost our homes
♪ we lost our wives
♪ three strangers,
what we gonna do? ♪
♪ our divorce lawyer said
♪ she'll put a roof
over our head ♪
♪ yeah,
she came to our rescue ♪
♪ she's where we go
when our hearts are broken ♪
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- So how'd Eden take it?
- Mm.
- Take what?
- I couldn't tell her.
Tell her what?
Every time I tried,
she'd look up at me
with those huge,
Bambi pregnant eyes,
- and call me a rock.
- What rock?
Look, you have to tell her.
You can't put this off.
Enough!
Nobody puts Haskell
in the corner.
Fine.
Look--look, Holly can't handle
being in the delivery room
with Eden,
so she asked me to step in.
He's a dentist.
His medical training
ends at the chin.
Why was I not asked?
Look, obviously,
Holly felt comfortable
that in her stead
was a highly-trained,
- highly-esteemable--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're in, too.
Look, I gotta get Eden
in a really good mood
before I tell her, so tonight,
we're gonna take her
to a fabulous restaurant,
let her eat herself
into a food coma,
and just as she's slipping
out of consciousness,
I'm gonna let her know
that the gentle female presence
she was counting on
is now gonna be you two clowns.
Guys,
uh, I got a problem,
- and I need your advice.
- What?
- What's the matter?
- Does one wear Prada or Armani
to a bangin' party on a yacht,
'cause that's where big papa's
gonna be tonight!
Definitely wear the Prada,
because I'm gonna be wearing
my Armani knock off,
and we don't wanna look
like twins.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, my God, this is perfect!
Even better than a dinner.
Look, I gotta get Eden
in a really good mood,
and a party on a bangin' boat
would do it!
The invitation didn't say
"Bring your pushy friends."
All right?
This is a business party
on my boss' yacht.
This is my job, people.
- And Eden's your friend.
- Hmm.
That little pregnant woman
is doing one of the most
selfless things
a person can do,
And you can't bring her
on a boat to make her happy?
That's not the Phil
- that I know.
- Nor I.
I hate you people.
Okay.
- Holly, this is boat is insane.
- Are you happy?
- Yeah.
- I made it happen for you.
Remember, big points for me.
Hey, there, Eden, grab my hand.
That's okay, Holly's got me.
- She's my rock.
- Yeah, well,
it never hurts to have back up.
Yeah, in case your rock
crumbles like bleu cheese.
- What took you guys so long?
- Oh, well, we had to stop
at the drugstore
and pick up seasick patches
for you-know-who.
Only a fool
would taunt Neptune.
Okay.
Patches on.
- Let's party.
- Oh, no, no, no, no party.
I told you the best
I could do was a quick tour,
then, you leave.
Everyone's happy,
and I don't end up
working at Kinko's.
Don't worry,
captain kill-joy.
We're not gonna embarrass you.
Hey.
Somebody hold my waist.
I wanna yell
"I'm king of the world!"
Haskell, take my phone
and get a picture
of Holly and me.
- Oh, I want a picture, too!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
- get one with me.
- All right, look, guys.
One picture.
Everybody in it.
We'll call it "The gang
before they took a quick tour,
and then got the hell off
the boat."
Ready.
One, two--
Hello, Phil.
Grant.
Oh, hey.
You know what?
Get in the picture.
Give the phone to that guy.
That's my boss.
Listen, Grant,
I hope you don't mind.
I was just giving them
a quick tour of the boat.
I understand.
I've made mistakes
in my career, too.
Get rid of them.
It was nice meeting you!
- Yeah.
- Great boat!
Awesome.
I'm sorry, guys.
You--you gotta go.
- My boss is trippin'.
- Well, listen.
Don't worry.
It--we'll leave.
But thanks so much
for doing all this, really.
No problem.
All right, okay?
Okay, good-bye!
You know what?
Now, we're in such a great mood
for whatever happens next!
Right, Eden?
- Hey, where'd Eden go?
- Oh, no.
Come on.
We gotta find her
and get off the boat,
before Phil gets in trouble.
Uh, he's right.
We have no business being here.
Oh!
Thank you, my man.
- There you are!
- We've been looking
all over for you.
It was an arduous search.
Well, I wanted to see
the rest of the boat.
I mean, can you believe
this place?
As soon as my body snaps back,
I'm gonna hook up with a guy
who'll spin me around
in a bed like this.
This beats the kayak
I shared with mother
on our whitewater adventure.
Believe me, I thought twice
before pulling her out
of the rapids.
Okay, look.
We found Eden.
- We gotta get off the boat.
- No, I want a picture!
- No, Eden, but Phil--
- Eden wants a picture?
She's getting a picture.
- Fine.
- Holly, you're always there
- for me.
- Even when I'm not.
- Take it.
- Hang on.
I can't get it to focus.
I--I can't get anything
to focus.
Oh, my God, I'm going blind.
My mom warned me
this could happen.
Relax.
You're probably just having
- a reaction to something.
- It's probably
those stupid patches.
Let me see the box.
- Uh...
- Let's see.
Yeah, it says here,
"Possible side effects:
Dry mouth, blurred vision,
excessive weenieness."
Yeah, it's the patches.
Okay, patches off.
Patches off.
How long till I can see again?
It says the, uh, vision loss
is temporary,
but you're a weenie for life.
Okay, you guys, we should go
before the party starts.
What the hell was that?
The boat's leaving the dock.
We're heading out to sea.
Ahh, patches on, patches on.
Trapped on a luxury yacht.
Woe is me.
Hey, Grant,
great party, man.
25 years in business.
Pretty impressive.
Thanks.
I'm proud of what we built.
That's why I wanted tonight
to be just us.
You're all like family to me.
Hey, Stan, congratulations
on the new house.
He's gone Monday.
Isn't that
your brother-in-law?
That's why I gave him
till Monday.
You know, I'm feeling kind
of sentimental tonight, Phil.
I can't stop thinking
of the words they told me
when I took over the firm.
"Grant,
your father's dead."
Wow, must've been bittersweet.
How so?
What a beautiful night, huh?
- Yeah.
- Look at that view.
Well, now that we're out
to sea,
all I need is my captain's hat.
Your captain's hat!
- What's funny about that?
- Nothing, nothing, no--
Look, you know what?
Why don't you stay here
and enjoy the party,
and I'll go get it for you.
Thanks.
It's in the stateroom, Phil.
And don't try it on.
I'll know.
Does anyone else
feel like a bond girl?
Wait a second.
I hear footsteps.
I think someone's coming.
Quick! Hide!
I can't do anything quick.
I'm not moving.
I can live with that.
- What are you doing?
- I'm hiding!
All right, now, if I was
a silly ass captain's hat,
where would I be?
There it is.
Nooo!
No--oh, hell no!
Great boat, Phil.
You're not supposed to be here!
Okay, okay Phil, look at me.
You have every right
to be angry.
Sorry, Phil, we meant to leave.
Where's
the third stooge?
Tell your boss
thumbs up on the two-ply.
Guys, what happened to
a quick tour and then get off?
I'm sorry.
Well, that's we wanted to do.
Yeah, but we had to find Eden.
- Guys!
- Do you realize
I could lose my job over this?
Guys!
- Guys!
- What?
I think my water just broke.
I really hate you people.
- Oh.
- What'd the doctor say?
- What'd the doctor say?
- He said not to panic.
You hear that,
everyone, don't panic!
And he said
he'll meet us at the hospital,
and to call him
when the contractions
are ten minutes apart.
Ohh, there's one!
Oh, no, okay.
Look, Eden, you are gonna
have that baby
in that hospital, all right?
So cross your legs
and think tight thoughts.
Um, just--just push it back,
you know?
Just--just push it back.
Push--
♪ Push it back,
push it back, waaaay back ♪
♪ push it back, push it back,
waaaay back ♪
listen, you gotta go up there
and you gotta tell your boss
to turn this boat around.
Well, what am I
supposed to say?
"You know those people I was
supposed to kick off the boat?
One of them just dropped
her baby water
all over your rug.
Good, you have a plan.
Now go!
All right, I'm going,
I'm going.
But, listen, the next time
I tell you
to get off the damn boat,
get off the damn boat!
Grant!
I got your hat.
What took you so long?
I bet you were checking out
the boat, right?
Oh, yeah.
Man, you know, I--I saw things
I never expected to see.
I opened to the door
to the stateroom,
and I was like,
"Whaaat?"
Isn't it great, Phil?
Nothing like being out
on the open water.
Oh, we're getting pretty close
to where we dumped pop's ashes.
- Moment of silence?
- Yes.
- That's enough.
- Okay.
You know, Grant,
I gotta tell you,
being out here
kind of reminds me
of the parties your dad
used to throw.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
Same boat.
Same food.
Same cruise around Manhattan.
It's not exactly the same.
Jacuzzi's new.
But still, you know,
a lot of guys
would've felt the need
to go a different way,
like, maybe have the party
at the dock.
But not you.
Yeah, somewhere up there,
your dad's smiling.
I bet he is...
Smug son of a bitch.
Let's turn this boat around.
We're going back to the dock.
All right, great.
I'm gonna go tell the captain.
You just did.
I did it.
I did it!
I single-handedly turned
this boat around.
You're looking
at a new superhero,
full-of-crap-man.
Oh, thank you, Phil.
Thank you!
All right, all right,
I gotta get back to make sure
nobody comes down here.
How's Eden doing?
Ah, she's hanging in there,
but these contractions
can take a lot out of you.
Is there anything I can do?
I wouldn't say no to a slider.
You hear that, Eden?
You're gonna make it
to the hospital.
Everything is gonna be fine.
The contractions--
contractions are getting
closer.
This one's not over yet.
Holly!
I'm right here for you, honey.
Ooh, let me go get you
some ice chips!
- I'm not thirsty--
- I'm on it!
No, no, Holly, stop!
Look, I can see
what's happening here.
I'm not blind.
- I'm over here.
- Okay, listen.
You-you can't
just run out on her.
- She needs you.
- This is my worst nightmare!
I told you,
I can't handle this!
Well, you're gonna
have to tell her
that you can't be there
for her.
That was a big one!
Your contractions
are now no more minutes apart.
All right, look.
Haskell, I don't want
to freak Eden out,
but there's no way
we're gonna make it
to the hospital.
We're having this baby
on the boat.
- What?
- What?
What the hell's wrong with you?
Go make yourself useful.
Get Phil to call
- the coast guard.
- I'm on it!
Holly, where are you?
Hold my hand!
Okay.
Holly, I think
this baby's coming.
- Are you sure?
- Aaaah!
- Aaah!
- Aaahhh!
We're out of Pepsi!
Haskell, do something!
All right!
This is a crisis situation.
I'm instituting sea law.
Eden, I don't want you
to feel awkward,
so don't think of me
as your friend, Haskell.
Think of me as the man
who's going to deliver
your baby.
Oh, that's a head!
That's a head!
Holly!
Oh, hi.
I'm right here, sweetie.
Listen, it might not be
the best time
to tell you this,
but I can't do this.
- I can't handle it.
- Oh, sweetie.
- No, I understand.
- Oh, you do.
No! There's a baby
coming out of me!
Oh, there's a baby
coming out of you!
Ew, ew!
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
Now, man up and be my rock!
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Phil, go get some towels.
- Got it.
- Stuart, get over here.
Hold her hand.
Comfort her.
Okay, okay.
Take nice, deep breaths,
sweetie.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Just like we learned
in Lamaze, right?
Oh, what happened?
Welcome back, Admiral Lutz.
Um...
If anybody asks,
I spilled water on my pants.
Haskell, get up here
and support her back.
Okay, keep taking
those breaths, Eden.
Okay.
Okay, you are doing great.
All right.
Now, just keep breathing,
and give it
a little bit of a push.
Nice and gentle.
Okay, we got a shoulder.
Oh, this is hideously
beautiful.
Ah, okay--
uh, come on--
one more--
okay, here's another shoulder.
Aahhh!
Stuart, throw me those patches.
I wanna be blind!
It's so squishy and slimy.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You did it.
You did it all.
It's a beautiful,
healthy baby girl.
She's so soft.
You should be proud
of yourself.
- You did a great job.
- I did?
Yeah, baby and mother
are in perfect condition.
Oh, I'm just a surrogate.
Her parents are meeting us
at the hospital.
Point being, I'm single.
We did well, gentlemen.
Said the man with wet chinos.
Grant.
So when I said
"Get them off the boat,"
you heard "Take them
to my stateroom
and squirt out a baby."
You know, your dad
would fire me on the spot.
See you Monday, Phil.
I'm sorry I wasn't there
for you earlier, Eden.
Aw, you were there
when it mattered.
You did it.
Well, we did it.
She did it.
Yeah.
You made it here, little one.
I'm gonna miss you.
It's a wonderful thing
you did, Eden.
Oh.
It's gonna be kinda weird
giving her up.
- Yeah.
- But I already worked it out
with mommy and daddy.
I'm gonna be your aunt.
The ambulance is ready.
Wait, uh, I never got
my picture.
If Eden wants a picture,
she's getting a picture.
I got a picture in my mind
that's never gonna go away.
Can you take it?
Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, everybody say,
"Holly's a rock."
Cheese!
Close enough.