The Exes (2011–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Shall We Dance - full transcript

Yeah, this place
is happening tonight.

I'm gonna go check out
the lady at the bar

with the long, silky hair.

Been there, done that.

You have?

- No, you have.
- Oh, oh, oh.

That's Gina.
Great sex.

Said you'd call.
Never did.

Oh.

Haskell, Haskell, wall me.

Hi, hello.
How are you?



Hey! Phil!

Hey!

- Karen.
- Karen!

How you been, girl?

I've been all right.

I had a great time on our date.

Prince concert.
Madison square garden.

Was the little purple man
on fire or what?

So, Phil...

Why didn't you ever call?

Karen, this is gonna sound
like a line.

That's why I'm hesitant
to say it, all right?

I lost your number.

- Then let me give it to you.
- Okay.



Watch this.
Saving it.

[Laughs]

I'll call you, baby.

At it again, huh, Phil?

Holly.
Lawyer. Landlady.

I mean, why do you play games
with these women?

If you're not gonna call,
why even lead them on?

Stuart.
Roommate. Girly-man.

Listen, I'm just trying
to be sensitive.

What do you think a woman
would rather hear?

"I'll call you baby,"

or, "Ride's over,
don't forget your valuables"?

That is just--
that's beautiful.

You're like the patron saint
of the hump and dump.

Uh-oh.
Nicole.

Preschool teacher.
Weekend in Vegas.

Wall me, Haskell.

Hi, there.
[Mumbles]

- Eden.
- Hi, hi.

Glad to see surrogacy hasn't
slowed down your social life.

Are you kidding?

There's a ton of preggo freaks
out there.

This one wants
to put me in a onesie.

Well, you do look beautiful.

You've got that glow.

Aw.
Take a number.

Is that Stuart Gardner,
D.D.S.?

- Jerry.
Both: Hey.

Holly, this is
my old neighbor Jerry Kunkle.

Hello.

Look at you,
scaling mount sexy.

No, no.
Holly's just a friend.

Although I've climbed plenty
of mountains

since the divorce.
Yeah.

You know, I've--
I've scaled--

He's trying
to say he's had sex.

Awesome.

I'm glad to see those "Poor
Stuart" rumors aren't true.

- What rumors?
- You know.

Broken man,
wallowing in self-pity,

a shell of your former self.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's saying that?

Oh, you know.

Everybody.

Anyhoo, we're gonna miss you

at the club's
annual ballroom dance.

It is going to be
off the hizzy.

Well, this year,

I thought it would be
a little awkward to come.

Oh, that's too bad.

You and Lorna were always
the big stars.

Now it'll just be Lorna.

Lorna's going?

Yeah, with a date.

Oh, gosh, did I let the cat
out of the bag?

No, no, no.
It's okay.

No, no, good for her.
Yeah.

- Anyhoo.
- Yeah.

Jerbear's got to bounce.
Laters.

- Stuart, are you okay?
- Well, no.

Not according
to my old neighbors, I'm not.

[Groans]
I just--

I wish I could go to this dance

and show Lorna
and everybody else

that I'm doing great.

What if you did go?

What if you had a partner?

A fabulous partner?

A partner whose mother ran
a dance studio?

A partner who has taken ballet
since she was five?

Really?

Damn right, really.

Come on! Mount sexy wants
to shake her groove thing.

- What do you say?
- What do I say?

Pine Glen
annual ballroom dance gala

and restless leg syndrome
fundraiser,

here we come!

[Upbeat music]

♪ We lost our homes

♪ we lost our wives

♪ three strangers,
what we gonna do? ♪

♪ our divorce lawyer said

♪ she'll put a roof
over our head ♪

♪ yeah,
she came to our rescue ♪

♪ she's where we go
when our hearts are broken ♪

♪ where we turn
when we finally learn ♪

Oh, hey, Haskell, listen.

You're gonna have
to fend for yourself

for dinner tonight.

I have my first
dance practice with Holly.

You're not the only one
in this apartment

who knows how to dance.

Mother taught me.

Every day after school,
she'd say,

"Forget the boy scouts.

Pour yourself a scotch,
and let's cha-cha."

Wow. The only thing missing
from that story

is the bates motel.

Kendra, that was fun.

Sure was.

What a lovely apartment.

Take it in,

and then best to let it go.

Mmm.

I'll see you around, baby.

Oh, I left my purse
in the bedroom.

Be right back.

So where'd you meet
this lovely lady

who we'll never see again?

At this great new bar
that's chock-full of babes

that don't know me,

so there are no chances
of the awkward bump-ins.

So that's it?

You're just gonna have sex
with one beautiful woman

after another?

Wait, when I said that
in my head, it sounded bad.

[Door shuts]

Found it.

Great.
Let me call you a cab.

You don't have to do that.

Kendra, I insist.

No, you really don't have
to do that.

I live in the building.

[Laughs]

[Sings] What?

Yeah, one flight up.
I just moved in last week.

What are the chances, huh?

[Guffaws]

I'll see you around, baby.

Phil.
Roommate. Screwed.

[Rapid knocking on door]
Entree.

Wow. Look at you.

Yeah, I dusted off
my old outfit from sixth grade.

Holly, when I RSVP'd
for the gala,

the club's Facebook page
went crazy.

They're calling it
"Return of the King."

Wait till Lorna sees us
out there on the dance floor.

Mm. Well, let's do it.

This body's craving la danse.

Now all we need
is the right routine.

- Mm.
- I've got it, I've got it.

How about [Stamps foot]
the paso doble.

Let's doble.

[Latin American music plays]

Sur place!

Sur place!

[Music stops]

Okay, that wasn't very good.

No, it really wasn't.

Stuart, do you mind

if I give you
some constructive criticism?

- Me?
- Yeah.

You need to feel the music.

You got to loosen up, you know?

You can't let this
get in the way of that.

Watch.

[Music resumes]

♪

[Music stops]

Any questions?

Nope.
I'm speechless.

Hold the elevator!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

- Oh! Hey, Phil!
- [Laughs] Hey.

How you doing, neighbor?

Good, good, good.
Super busy.

Super.

I was gonna call you.

Then I got super busy.

Super.

No worries, it's cool.

I had a packed day myself.

Wall-to-wall meetings.

So we're cool?

Of course.
Why wouldn't I be?

I just figured you'd be upset

'cause I said I'd call you,
and then I didn't.

Oh, Phil.

I don't have time
for games like that.

I mean, we had a good time.
No commitments.

You don't owe me anything.

- I don't?
- [Mouths]

That's beautiful.

And so are you.

[Elevator bell chimes]

So what are you thinking about
right now?

I'm thinking
this is your floor.

Oh, right, yeah.
This is my floor.

This is--
this is where I live.

[Laughs]

So, uh, anyway, Kendra,

we should get together again.

Sure.
I'll call you, baby.

[Guffaws]

Guess who I just ran into
in the elevator?

Kendra.

So the stalking begins.

No, no.
It's nothing like that.

She was cool, man.

As a matter of fact,
we're going out again.

- When?
- Soon.

She said,
"I'll call you, baby."

Isn't that what you say when
you want to blow somebody off?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I say,
"I'll call you, baby."

She said,
"I'll call you, baby."

Hear the difference?

Not in the least.

That's 'cause you
don't have the ear.

You're not attuned to the music
of the mating dance.

I can hear when a guy's lying
to himself.

So, Stu, how'd the practice go
with Holly?

It was horrible.

It was the most frightening hour
of my life.

It was like being chased
by a mother ostrich

who was protecting her young.

So what are you smiling about?

This? No, this is just
a thin wall between me

and a total breakdown.

You're scaring me.

You look like mother when
she went through the change.

Lorna was terrible at first,

but I turned her
into a great dancer,

and I'm gonna do the same thing
with Holly.

You do realize you're bleeding
through your sock.

Yes.
Yes, I do.

The pain is unbearable.

- Ahh. [Laughs]
- Wow.

You've even got mother's limp.

Guess who's coming over
for dinner tonight.

That's right.
Kendra.

So she finally called, huh?

Uh, no, actually, I called her,

and it's a good thing I did.

Turns out she lost my number.

Isn't that what you say when
you're gonna blow somebody off?

No. I say,
"I lost your number."

She said,
"I lost your n--"

I'm through with this game!

Okay.

[Keys jingle onto table]

[Groans]
I'm in trouble, Haskell.

Holly's dancing
has actually gotten worse.

At some point,
it was no longer dancing,

I was just getting
my ass kicked.

You know what?

I got to back out
of this thing now.

I mean, you know, better
not to show up at all

than to be humiliated.

You've just described
the Lutz family motto:

If it's worth doing,
it's worth backing out of.

Oh, hey, Stuart.

Oh, hey, Holly.
Listen.

I'm glad you came by.

I forgot to tell you

how much the last few days
have meant to me.

Well, they've had
a big impact on me too.

Listen, I appreciate
the solid effort--

You know,
I've never told anybody this,

but my mother actually thought
my dancing stunk.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And how exactly
did she break that to you?

It was the night
of the spring dance recital,

and I was about to go on.

She replaced me
with my younger sister Jill.

I had to stand in the wings
and watch, devastated.

Wow.

So she just sort of ripped
it off like a band-aid, huh?

I just want to say that...

Dancing with you
has given me the opportunity

to get over a really painful
part of my childhood.

So thank you.

You're welcome.

It's gonna be great.

Oh.

It's gonna be [Sings] magical.
Ow!

So Kendra never showed up, huh?

I don't want to talk about it.

Who accepts a date with someone
and then doesn't show?

If she doesn't realize
how great you are,

then she doesn't deserve you.

Oh, no.
You're pitying me.

I liked it better
when you were mocking me.

Me too.
You're a moron.

She's never gonna show.

I tell you one thing.

I'm through with this girl.

I mean, I can't believe
I let her play me.

Nobody plays Phil chase!

[Knock on door]

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Hey, honey.

No, no, no.

We're way past "honey."

I'm sorry, baby.

I had a meeting that ran late.

So what?
You couldn't call?

You couldn't text?

Do you know how hard I worked
ordering that food?

I hate seeing a frown
on that adorable face.

Both: Mmm.

No, no, no.
That's not gonna work.

I'm so mad at you.

I know.
Still mad?

- Maybe a little less mad.
- Mmm.

How about now?

I don't even remember
what we were talking about.

[Laughs]

[Door latch clicks] Hey.

Hey, where are you going?

I have a really early day,

and you look so cute there,
I didn't want to wake you up.

Oh, well, maybe we could do
something tonight.

That would be amazing,

except I have
to leave town for a few days.

Mwah!

Call me.

[Latin American music plays]

♪

God, look at Lorna
and her date dance.

They make a magnificent couple.

Okay, they're not bad.

But when we're done,
jaws will drop.

That they will.

Brava!

Well, I guess I should do
the gracious thing

and go say hi to Lorna.

Hey, don't let her get
in her head.

Remember, you got this.

Right.

Hello, Lorna.

Hi, Stuart.

Well, I hate to admit it,

but you and your date looked
pretty great out there,

although I think I did recognize
some of my old moves.

Just a few.
Only kicked up a notch.

But I guess
that's what life's about.

Moving on.
Improving.

Yeah, you said it.

Contrary to rumors,
my life has never been better.

Good for you.

So you and this guy
been seeing each other long?

Let's just say Don and I
enjoy each other's company.

- Oh.
- Great job, Lorna.

Although that lift
was a little stiff.

Thanks, Don.

But we can work on it
in my studio Monday morning.

Thanks, Don.

- Just call my office and--
- Thanks, Don.

You hired
a professional dancer?

So what?

You can't do that.
That's against the rules.

There are no rules about that.

Well, there would be if I was
still on the rules committee.

That is classic Stuart.

Always so rigid.
Never spontaneous.

Never taking chances.

No, no.
That's not true, Lorna.

I'm not the same guy I was
a year ago.

Stuart, why can't you
just be honest

about what's really
bothering you?

You can't handle that I don't
need you as a dance partner.

Well, you know what?
I don't need you either.

You're not the only one
with a new partner.

- Oh, great.
- Great.

Let's see this new Stuart.

- Oh, you're gonna see him.
- Let's see what you got.

- Yeah, you're gonna see it.
- Good.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.
She's gonna see it.

- Ready, Haskell?
- Go.

Hi, mom.
Guess what.

I've entered a dance contest.

And you once said
that I couldn't walk and talk

at the same time.

Well, look at me.

I'm walking and I'm talk--

And send.

Oh, my God, Holly.
Are you okay?

No, I think
I bruised my coccyx,

but I think I can still dance.

No, no, you can't.
Stay down.

[Grunts]
I don't want to disappoint you.

No, you won't, trust me.
Stay down.

I mean, you know,

we can't take a chance of you
hurting yourself more.

- Yeah.
- Ow!

And now, coming up,

the moment we've all
been waiting for,

the return of the king--
Dr. Stuart Gardner and partner.

Well, I better go tell him
what happened.

With Holly injured,

at least now I can bow out
of this gracefully.

Or...you could go for it.

What are you talking about?

Look into my eyes.

Follow my lead.

And if I call you mother,
ignore it.

[Latin American music plays]

♪

All: Hey.

- Oh!
- Look what we've got.

Congratulations.
You guys won.

No,we guys won.

Okay, I definitely missed
something here.

Yes, you did.

You missed me proving to Lorna

that I'm not afraid
to take chances.

Who knew I would find redemption
in this man's arms?

I'm really happy for you,
Stuart.

I just wish I hadn't fallen
on my ass,

so I could have helped
you more.

Hey, you helped plenty.

Without you, Holly,
I never would have had the guts

to go to the dance
in the first place.

In fact...

- Here, you earned this.
- Aww.

No, she didn't!

You know what earning it is?

14 years slow dancing
on the porch with mother.

[Sighs]

Kendra.

Hey, baby.

What a surprise.

Yeah, this is what you call
going out of town?

- My trip got cancelled. I was gonna call you.
- Save it.

Just be honest with me.
I can take it.

If you're not into me, just say it.

I'm not into you.

Why?

I mean...

I can change. What did I do wrong?
Tell me!

- I think we'd better go.
- No! Um...

You've just lost the best thing
you've ever had, woman.

The bets thing you've ever had!

We agree this never happened?

I already tweeted it.