The Exes (2011–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Baby Mama - full transcript

[Vacuum hums]

Hey, hey, hey.
Watch the nozzle.

Watch the nozzle!
What are you doing?

Today is the big day.
My dog Chopin is coming

for his first visit.

Who the hell names a dog Chopin?

Who names a man haskell?

A woman who likes
her cocktails.

I know it seems like I'm fussing,

but this dog is like my child. You know,

I raised him from a pup.



And it was tough, letting
him go in the divorce. And

he's coming to visit. I want
everything to be perfect.

What's that stink?

Uh, it's the smell of the outdoors.

No wonder
I didn't recognize it.

Oh, no.

I got Chopin muffins from his

favorite doggy bakery,

and one is missing.

Stuart, these muffins suck.

Hey,
you know, maybe you got a bad one.

Try another.

Okay, stop it, stop it.

Listen, Chopin is going



to be here any minute. Now,
look,

he's gonna be meeting

enough new people
as it is, so, Phil,

I would appreciate it if you
could avoid bringing home

any strange women
while he's here.

For a whole week?

Come on, man. I'm not even sure if
that's healthy. What if I develop

some sort of... build up?

Trust me, things settle in.

Is Chopin here yet?

I got him a welcome toy.

Look, it's a little squeaky lamb chop.

[Toy squeaks]

Oh, so thoughtful.

Of course he could choke on the squeaker,

and the paint's a
little flaky, so I'm gonna have

to toss it, but thank you.

I've got to get to work.

Ooh, muffins.

- Holly, I wouldn't.
- Oh, come on.

You have a whole boxful.

Delish.

Ugh, I can't believe this.

I have to get to work,

and Chopin's pet taxi is late.

I'll take "white people
problems" for 200, Alex.

Well, seriously, someone's got
to be here when he comes.

All right, all right,
I'll check my schedule.

Let's see. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Oh, screw my schedule!

I'm gonna make it happen.

Really?

Yeah, consider it done.

Okay,
haskell, thank you. But, listen,

- this is really important to me.
- Look, I just said,

"consider it done." And
when a lutz gives you

the "consider it done,"

you can consider it done.

Okay, I'm just saying--

Consider it done.

- But--
- Done!

[Pop music]

Oh. Hmm.

Good morning.

Gotta go.

- Who was that?
- Nobody!

A friend.

Come on, dish. What,
it's an old boyfriend?

A new boyfriend? The
guy in the copy room

swith the droopy eye?

Holly, we should get to work.

You want to get to work?

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.

Is that a chanel bag?

No, don't be ridiculous.

It's a knock off.

Knock off, huh? The
stitching's flawless,

the leather's like butter,

and [Sniffs loudly]

Oh, yeah, this baby's real.

[Sniffs] - Okay, it's real.

Now stop snorting my bag.

Mmm. How can you afford that

on what I pay you?

Which is a very fair wage.

Well, if you must know,

it was a gift from a friend.

That's quite a friend.
Does he have a brother or--

what the hell--
for a chanel bag,

I'll take a sister.

[Giggles strangely] You're a hoot.

All right, you're acting weird.

Something's going on with you,

tiny dancer.

And
I'm gonna find out what it is,

'cause I always do.

- "'Cause I always do."
- What was that?

Love you.

There he is. [Door shuts]

Hey, Chopin. What you guys been up to?

Well, I brought him inside,
and he jumped on the couch,

hasn't moved since.
He didn't bark,

he didn't fuss.

You know, maybe we keep him

and kick Stuart out.

So you haven't even taken him
for a walk?

Hey, if I can hold it in during

a six-hourcolumbomarathon,

so can he.

You know what?

You look comfortable. Oh,
you're watching your show.

I'll take him.

You know, that's very kind

and thoughtful of you.

- What's your hustle?
- All right,

there's this dog park I pass by every day
with tons of hot chicks in it.

And this little wing-dog

is gonna be my ticket in.

Sorry, can't do it.

This dog is my responsibility.

I gave Stuart the lutz "consider it
done."

Okay, well, you do me this favor,
and I'll give you

the chase "I owe you big
time."

Do you really think the
chase "I owe you big time"

can trump
the lutz "consider it done"?

But did I mention the
chase "I owe you big time"

- comes with 50 bucks?
- Consider it done.

Mmhmm. [Laughter]

- Come on.
- Jonathan, hi.

- Hello, Holly.
- Well, is something wrong?

We don't usually see you
down here on this floor.

Of
course, it's your floor, and your firm.

Holly, relax. You're
doing a great job.

- Thanks.
- Listen, I was looking over

the Harrison settlement
and I think we might be

- rolling over too quickly.
- Oh, my God,

that's so weird. Because
I just left myself

a voice mail with that exact same question.
And I'm gonna say

- to you what I said to me.
- [Singsong] Rambling.

Right. [Clears throat] I'll look
over those files and I'll get back

to you lickety-split.

I swear I've never used that term before
in my life.

Later, gator.

Eden,

I have a present for you.

Another one?

I don't know what to say.

The smile on your face says it all.

Where have you been?
Stuart's gonna be home

- any minute!
- I love this dog.

Thanks to Chopin, I just
hooked up with a woman

in the central park boathouse.

Who's a good little wing-dog?

[Dog barks] Yeah, you, baby!

[Laughs] - Damn!

Why didn't I walk him?

That could have happened to me.

Let me lie to myself.

It's all I got.

Oh, man, it was so hot.

No phone numbers,

no expectations.

It was perfect in every way.

Except one.

You brought home the wrong dog.

What are you talking about?

Chopin has two brown ears.

This dog's only got one.

Oh, no.

I must have gotten Chopin

mixed up with her dog Frank.

Quick, call her.

Like I said, no numbers.

Then Google her!

I can't remember her name!

Oh, no! What's--what's--

what's Frank's owner's name?

Wait a minute. You remember
the name of the dog,

but not the woman you just had sex with?

I only remember the name
of the dog

'cause it's the same name of
the kid who sat behind me

in the fourth grade.

So you remember the name

of the kid who sat behind you

in the fourth grade,
but not the wom--

- I just had sex! My head's
a little foggy, haskell!

I gave Stuart

the lutz "consider it done"!

And right now, the only thing that's
been done

is some woman whose name you can't rember!

I lost Stuart's dog.

We're just gonna have to man up

and do the right thing.

Grab that marker! We're
coloring this mutt's ear.

- Hello, hey, hello.
- Hi, come here, little boy.

Hello, hello.

You guys
are not gonna believe this.

My boss and Eden are--

What are you doing to the dog?

Uh, getting him ready for Stuart.

Yeah, we're detailing him.

Okay, let's just
pretend that you told me

what's really going on, and
then I called you guys

idiots, and then we came back

to my problem.

Eden is having an
affair with my boss.

- My married boss.
- Bummer.

Color inside the lines.

What has she gotten herself into?

I mean, she's in way over her head,

and what should I do?

Do I talk to Eden? Do I talk to hubner?

- Yeah, do that.
- That sounds good.

Oh, come on.

I'm like her big sister.
Of course, I've got

- to talk to her.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, do that.
- How can I help her

if she won't open up? Somehow
I've got to find a way

to get it out of her.
Oh, thanks, you guys.

- You've been completely useless.
- You're welcome.

Yeah, anytime.

Okay, we're done.

Now it's just got to dry.

There you go. Wow, this isn't fair.
You had sex in a boathouse

- and I'm blowing in a dog's ear.
- Yeah, well,

we all have our gifts. - This is just
buying us time! You got to go back

to the park and find Chopin.

- I'm on it.
- There's my boy.

Oh.

- Chopin, daddy's home. - Yeah, Chopin,
daddy's home. - Come to daddy.

Daddy's home.

Go to daddy.

Here he comes.

- It's so moving.
- I don't get it.

He usually jumps all over me.

Chopin, it's papa. Show how much
you love your papa.

Some things can't be
said with words.

Come on, buddy.

You've been so down all day.
You want to go out?

Come on, let's go out.

Okay, we'll stay in. I
know what we'll do.

We can play the cookie game.
Chopie loves

- to play the cookie game, right?
- Now, take it

from daddy's mouth.

[Dog growls]

Look at you two.
It's like you were never apart.

Who am I kidding?

- This is a different dog.
- It was Phil.

It was all Phil's fault. -
No, it's not Phil's fault,

it's mine. It's because
of the divorce

he feels

like I've abandoned him.

I'm sorry, buddy.

The divorce wasn't my idea. You got
to believe me. And even though

I'm not there every day,

- I never stopped loving you.
- Let him in, dog.

Let him in!

Hey, Phil! Did you
find the shampoo

you were looking for?

No.

Son of a bitch! -
Relax, it's just shampoo.

He can have some of mine.

You don't have any.

Trust me, yours is gone.

Kitchen.

I can't stand it. Stuart's
pouring his heart out,

and he's getting nothing.
That little bastard Frank

is an ice queen.

I'm doing everything I can.
I plastered these flyers

- all over the dog park.

"Have you slept with this man?

If so, I have your dog."

- It's a good shot, right?
- The charade ends now.

- You're telling him.
- No, no.

We can't do that.
I lost his baby.

It'll kill him.

If we find the dog, then
Stuart will never have

to know. Let's just
give the flyers

a chance to work.

[Ring tone chimes] Text.

Could be her.

Here, give me that. It's from

a fireman named Randy.

He saw your poster.

- Did he find Chopin?
- No, but he's got

a leash and collar, and he wants

- to teach you a few tricks.
- Told you

it was a good picture.

Thanks for coming over.

Well, so what's going on?

- Why did you want to see me?
- Well, we're friends.

I mean, I don't need a reason

to chillax with my bff.

Have you been drinking?

You're adorable.
Eden, you know,

you can tell me anything.

Anything?

- Anything.
- Well, actually,

there is something
I've been wanting

to tell you for a while. -
Oh, good, good. I promise

to listen and not judge.

Okay. You know

those blouses you have in
five different colors?

Uhhuh.

- None of them work on you.
- Well, that's helpful.

Oh.

[Sighs] Anyw--is
there anything else

you might want to tell me?

Nope, I'm good.

All right, that's it.
The cat and mouse game

is over. Remember how
I said "I always

find out what's going on"?

Well, I do, and I did. Why
don't you just come clean?

I'm sure I don't know

- what you're talking about.
- Oh, please, I know

all about you and Mr. hubner.

Who told you?

Nobody. There's
nothing that goes on

in that office that I don't

know about, Eden.

Nothin'!

Okay, okay, it's true.
I'm having

Mr. hubner's baby.

What?

- Well, you said you knew.
- I didn't know that! What the hell's going on

in that office?

Uh, I got to go. Promise me you
won't say anything. I'm not supposed

to talk about it.

Wh

Eden, this is horrible!

Where are you registered?

[Sighs] Well, here's
all your stuff,

Chopin. If I forgot anything,

you can send for it. I
packed your favorite blankie

in case you get chilly

- on the way home.

- Hey, Stuart, what's all this?
- Uh, it's Chopin's stuff.

- I'm sending him back to lorna.
- Sending him back?

- You've got him till Friday.
- Well, he obviously

doesn't want to be here.
It takes two

to make a relationship work.
And right now I'm doing all

the heavy lifting.

Face it, I've lost him.

Phil. Kitchen. Now.

Now, look. Either
you go in there

and tell him the truth,

or I will. We can't give up hope.
What about the flyers?

- The texts are pouring in.
- They're all

from fireman Randy.

[Knock on door] - Well,
that must be your taxi,

Chopin.

I'll miss you.

Have a nice life. Both: Hi.

- I'm Bianca. I think I have your dog.
- What?

Oh, Chopin! [Laughs] - Hi, baby!

Hi, buddy.

Oh, I missed you so much.

- How did this happen?
- I met this guy in the park

the other day, and our
dogs got mixed up.

Luckily,

- I saw one of his flyers.
- "Have you slept

with this man?"

Yes.

Bye.

Oh, Chopin!

I knew you loved your daddy.

I knew it.

Oh, shhh, shhh, shhh.

Stuart... Phil has something

to tell you. - Stuart, I feel terrible.
Um, I took Chopin

to the dog park.

And, well,

the details aren't important,
but I brought home

the wrong dog.

What are you saying?

That you lost Chopin? -
Yeah, man, I'm sorry.

- I'm--
- Sorry? Sorry's

- not gonna bring back my baby.
- Okay, look.

I don't want you to worry, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna turn

this city upside down.
And I'm not coming back

- until I find him.
- You find

- my little boy, Phil.
- I will find him!

- Find him!
- I'm gonna find him!

- Find him! [Door shuts]
- So when

- did you get Chopin back?
- A couple minutes ago.

How long
are you gonna let Phil search?

- Till he finds him.

I'm sorry it slipped out. It's just been so hard

carrying this secret.

It's all right. - Now
that you've reached

the end of your first trimester
we can finally tell Holly

and everyone...

- You're our surrogate.
- I'm just so happy I can

do this for you and your wife.

Eden, we cannot
thank you enough.

You slimy son of a bitch!
You and your goatee are not

gonna get away with this.
Surprised?

Don't be. I know everything

that goes on in my office.

Holly--

To think I respected you. I
mean, just because your name

is on a building doesn't mean

you can have your way

with everyone inside of it.

And what would your wife say
if she saw this depraved

little scene?

- Who wants cake?
- Joan?

You knew about this? - Of course.
I'm the one

- who arranged the whole thing.
- What the hell kind

- of freak show is going on here?
- Holly, I'm begging you,

stop talking.

Wait, wait, wait.
You don't care

- that she's carrying his baby?
- No, because

it's not his baby.

It's our baby.

I'm their surrogate.
We're celebrating the end

of my first trimester.

[Mouths] Well, now

- the cake makes sense.
- Would you guys mind

giving us a minute. -
Eden, we'd do anything

for you. And, frankly...

This one scares me.

Three months.

Okay, you're a surrogate?
How did this happen?

I was talking with the hubners

at the Christmas party, and
they shared how they were

having a hard time conceiving.
And how much they really wanted

a family. And anyway, I thought

to myself... I don't know,

if I could do this for them
I'd be doing something

pretty great for somebody.
And how often in your life

do you really get to do that?

Wow.

Is this the same girl
that once licked tequila

off a barroom floor?

Because it's really grown-up.

I know, right? - But
why did you keep it

a secret? Because
they didn't want me

to tell anyone till I got past

the first trimester.

I'm not anyone.

I know. You don't
know how many times

I wanted to tell you.
You think I want

to go through this alone?

Oh, you're not alone.

Not anymore.

From this day forward,
I'm gonna be with you

every step of the way.
Coaching you,

bugging you, nagging you.
I'm gonna be

- a giant pain in the ass.
- You promise?

You can count on it. -
Well, there is something

you can do for me right away.

- Anything.
- Clear the path.

I really got to pee.