The Exes (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Ex Always Rings Twice - full transcript

[Knock at the door]

Come in.

- Hi, hi.
- Hi.

- Brought over your laptop.
- Thank you.

Hey, I just made a big salad,
you want some?

Ah, no thanks.

But why are you eating salad,
you look so slim!

Your hair is
really nice and shiny.

Boy, you're funny and pretty.
People like you, Holly.

Oh, my God,
what have you heard?

Am I getting fired?



I wish the news
was that good.

You know that annual lawyer's
gala you have tomorrow night?

Yeah.

- Your ex-fiancé Brad
is coming.

What?

And he's bringing a date.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm not going.

- Really?
- Yeah. Call me crazy,

I just don't feel like
seeing a guy who cheated on me

and broke my heart.
[Laughs]

So what? You're just
gonna spend the night

hiding in your apartment?



No, I'm gonna hide
in the bar, too.

Okay, Holly,
that's one way of reacting,

or you could walk in there
with your breasts held high,

looking smoking hot
in a brand-new dress,

and make him think, "I lost
the best thing I ever had."

[Mouth full]
I could do that.

You could, you can,
[Whispering] You will.

Yeah.

I'm gonna walk in there
looking' so confident and sexy,

it's gonna kill him!

Especially when he sees
a hot guy on your arm.

Mmm.

We're gonna need
a bigger tub.

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ Bee-duh, bee-duh ♪

♪ bee-duh, bee-duh ♪

♪ buh-duh-duh dip ♪

- Hey guys, check this out.
- Mmm.

- Oh.
- [Laughs]

She's bad, right? [Laughs]
Mmm.

Her name's Michelle. Yeah.
It took me about two months,

but I finally convinced her to
go out with me tomorrow night.

Uh, wait a minute.
Wasn't she just here last week?

Yes.

Not her, not her, not her.

That's her. [Laughs]
Ohh.

- Yeah! [Laughs]
- Oh!

So, uh, why did it
take her so long

to agree
to go out with you?

Somehow she got the crazy idea
that I'm a player.

[Scoffs]

You guys,
I have a favor to ask of you,

it's really important.

I saw this one coming.

I will donate the seed,
but I'm not paying for college.

Good to know.

Look, there's a work thing
I have to go to,

and Brad's gonna be there.

- Uh...
- So I need one of you guys

to be my date so he'll look at
me, and think,

"I just lost the best thing
I ever had."

I'd go with Phil.

Yeah,
he's who I'd use.

I mean, I mean this
in the straightest way possible,

he's a jaw-dropper.
I'm telling you.

All right, all right,
all right,

but I'm warning you,
what you got here

is some major firepower.

Use these guns with caution.
Oh, thank you.

[Laughs]

All right, I'll give you all the
details about tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?
Yeah.

Oh.

What's with the "oh?"

Oh, it's nothing',
I just have a date with a girl

I've been trying to hook up with
for like two months.

- Huh.
- And, uh, that's her.

- Yeah.
- Name's Michelle. [Laughs]

She'll probably never go out
with me again, but, uh,

it's cool, I'll just call her
and tell her I'm gonna cancel.

You're not
gonna stop me?

All right,
you're off the hook.

Don't worry, tomorrow night
on your arm you will have

Sir Haskell Boothroyd
Lutz III.

Financier, philanthropist, and
former ambassador to Tunisia.

I was thinking of using a limp
to reflect my war years.

- That is so sweet, Haskell.
- [Laughs]

Stuart.

Holly, it would be an honor
to escort you.

- Oh, thank you.
- [Chuckles]

Now, I might not have
Phil's firepower

or Haskell's war record,

but... ahem...
I do have a certain charm,

and I'm no stranger
to the dance floor,

whether it's the tango,
the meringue,

or the forbidden dance,
the lambada.

Tomorrow night,
it's really forbidden.

Holly Franklin, plus date.

Dr. Stuart gardener, D.D.S.

Relax, you guys,
Brad's not here yet.

Oh, thank God,

I've been sucking' it in
since the elevator.

Holly,
you look amazing.

That dress just says,
"I got it, you want it,

but you're never
gonna get it."

[Laughs] That is exactly
what I was going for.

I hope when he sees me
he'll have a seizure

and swallow his tongue.

- M'lady.
- Yeah.

Stuart, what's with the smile?
Hmm?

Oh, uh, [Clears throat]

I like to show off
the dental work.

It's like a billboard
for my practice.

Yeah, well, right now
it's a billboard saying,

"I'm Holly's creepy date."
So stop it.

Go get me some champagne,
would you?

Hi.

Stuart.

[Laughing] Hey, Jeff,
how are you man?

Hey.

- What are you doing' here?
- My wife's a lawyer, remember?

- Right.
- Hey, your old neighbors

miss you, buddy,
you should come by the 'hood.

Ahh, well, maybe I will,
I heard cottage Lane

finally got that yield sign
that I lobbied for.

Yeah, I think of you
whenever I slow up.

Ahh.
[Laughter]

- So what are you doing' here?
- Oh, I'm on a date.

Good for you.

I'm glad to see you're moving' on
with your life, too.

- Too?
- Well, you know,

with your ex-wife Lorna
getting' engaged, and all.

Oh, man!
You didn't know.

I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, no, [Laughs]

No worries. [Laughs]

Like you said, I'm moving' on,
you know, it's all good.

Way to hang in there,
buddy.

[Chuckles]
Well, you know me.

[Laughter]
Yeah.

Stuart! Where have you been?
Brad's gonna be here any minute.

Who's Brad?

Just kidding!
I know who Brad is.

[Laughs]

The fornicator.
[Laughs]

Stuart,
have you been drinking?

Nope, I still am.

This is crazy,
you barely drink.

What the hell happened?

[Sighs] I just found out
Lorna got engaged.

[Gasps]

- Holly?
- Yeah?

I just want to let you know,
it's working.

Everyone's buzzing about you
and your adorable date.

Hey, tinker bell.

Whoa, dude.
What happened to him?

He just found out
his ex-wife's engaged.

He's trashed,
and so's my plan.

No,
you can't give up yet.

What am supposed to do?
Tell Brad he lost

the best thing he ever had
as Stuart pees on his leg?

Hang on.

Ah, locked and loaded.

Okay, new plan.

You stall Brad, I'm gonna
call around for a replacement.

[Humming]

[Phone rings]

[On answering machine]
Haskell, it's me.

Pick up the phone.

It's saturday night,
I know you're sitting

in front of the computer
with a sandwich and a beer.

Put the sandwich down.

I need help,
Stuart's drunk.

I need a date,
get down here now.

Now!

Any luck
with Phil or Haskell?

No, neither one
is answering their phone.

Look, I can't let Brad see me
alone, I'm getting outta here.

Too late.
Brad's here.

He just got in line to check in,
with his date.

What does she look like,
is she hot?

- Well, I think
I finally understand bi-curious.

Oh, my God.

Okay, look, Eden, you've gotta
go back there and stall Brad.

Do not let him in.

For how long?

I don't know.
Maybe Phil will get here.

Yeah, or Haskell.

Maybe Phil
will get here.

Hey, Eden.
It's been a long time.

I'm sorry, and you are?

It's me, Brad.

Brad... Brad Lewis

I was engaged to Holly,
your boss.

Oh, that Brad.
Right. [Laughs]

Sorry, it's hard to keep track
of all the brads in her life.

Oh. Well,
it was nice to see you, honey.

- Mmm.
A bup-bup-bup!

Where are you going?
I have to check you in.

[Laughs]

Oh, Lewis, Lewis,
Lewis, Lewis.

Awkward.

You're not on the list.

Are you playing with me?

Sorry, but the list is
the list, and you ain't on it.

All right, seriously, Eden,
I think we're gonna go in now.

Oh, but I think
you're not.

What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna call security?

Listen, Brad, I am security,
so either back off or bring it.

You know what?
Screw the list. Have fun.

[Humming]

Oh, swag.

What delightful goodies
have we here? [Chuckles]

Crap. Uh, crap.
[Muttering]

Bluetooth headset.

Me likey.

[Hums]

- Hey, beautiful.
- Oh, my God,

you got my message, you came!
[Laughs] That's right.

You called in the thunder
for backup,

and the thunder's gonna
rain down on this house!

- Just smile and look pretty.
- Okay.

Okay?
[Gasps]

Oh, my God, there he is.

- Oh, let's do this!
- No, no, no!

No.

He has to come to us,
okay?

In the meantime,
just gaze at me adoringly.

Holly?

Brad?

Oh, my God,
that's so weird.

I had no idea
you were gonna be here.

Oh, it's great
to see you.

Huh.

Um, I think I could use
a refill. Would you mind?

This is my date, Phil.

- Oh, I'm her boyfriend, Phil.
- Oh.

[Laughter]

[Snuggly sounds]

So, uh, how do you two
know each other?

I'm Brad,
her ex-fiancé.

You had a fiancé?

It was a long time ago,
sweetie.

Come on,
you never mentioned me?

It never came up.

Wow, uh, Holly,
I must confess...

Yes? Yes?

I guess I'm a lot easier
to replace than I thought.

Damn right, Brad.

Phil?

Who the hell is this?

His date,
who the hell are you?

His date.

Now I know why you told me
to wait in the lobby.

I knew you were a player.

Hell, wait, Michelle.
No, don't walk away!

Oh, she's walking' away!
My date!

You brought a date
to our date?

Oh, my God,
thanks a lot.

Thanks to you, I could not
look like a bigger loser.

[Slurring]
You must be Brad.

Hi, I'm Stuart. I'm...
I'm Stuart, I'm Holly's date.

Oh, there she is.

Come here, you.

Oh.
Oh, ew!

So you're
with this guy, too?

Well, at least
he didn't bring a date.

Uh, no,
I'm not with this guy.

This clown's
been hitting on me all night.

Beat it!

Darling!

I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to make a few moves

to stabilize
the european market.

It's the burden I bear
for holding

so much of the world's gold.
[Laughs]

- Sir!
- [Stutters]

Several of our guests
have seen you

pilfering the give-out bags.

I resent the implication.

I'm gonna have to
take a look.

Hey,
get your paws off me!

Uh, how did those
get in there?

Honey, honey, open your purse!
Open your purse!

- Come on, come on.
- Your purse!

Honey, the purse!

Open your purse!
[Struggles]

Okay.

I don't have a date.

I just wanted you to see me here
with someone and think

that you lost the best thing
you ever had.

You know what?
You did.

You're right, I did.

Huh?

Holly, the only reason I came
here tonight was to see you.

Oh, that's why
you brought a date?

[Laughing] No.
No, Julie?

Julie's me niece.

She's a lawyer.
I brought her here as a favor.

So, um,
why did you want to see me?

To apologize.

Holly, what I did to you
is unforgivable.

I told myself
it was a moment of weakness,

nerves before a wedding,
but...

bottom line, losing you was
the dumbest thing I ever did.

And there hasn't
been a day since

that I haven't
thought about it,

and regretted it.

I miss you, Holly.

And I know this is
a crazy thing to ask,

and I don't have the right
to ask it,

but is there any way
we can get out of here

and go somewhere
so we can talk?

Let's go.

Eden!
Eden, Eden.

Have you seen Holly?
[Scoffs]

She left with Brad.

- What?
- Why would she do that?

Knowing Brad,
he probably turned on the charm,

and she melted.

Holly is one of
the shrewdest people I know,

but when it comes to Brad,
she's always had a blind spot.

- We better go find her.
- Hmm.

Stuart! Oh, I'm so glad
you're still here.

Look,
I got it all mixed up.

My wife said that our
neighborhood, Laura,

got engaged, not Lorna.

[Brain glitch sound]
Ah.

What?

Yeah, I just thought
I'd let you know.

I gotta say, a lot of guys
would have just wigged out

at their ex
getting engaged, but...

[Laughs]
Not you, man.

You are Mr. cool.

I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna kill...
[Overlapping shouts]

Go ahead, kill him!
Kill him!

[Sighs]

So, um, would you...
oh.

[Kissing]
Wow.

That was nice.

Yeah. You know,
of all the scenarios

of how tonight was gonna end,
that was not one of them.

No, I didn't see that coming
either, but, uh,

I know
where I'd like to see it going.

Ahh, was that as cheesy
as it sounded?

Yeah.

But it's working.

[Kissing]

Holly, I know
this sounds crazy, but...

What if we picked up
where we left off?

[Laughs]

Come on,
that's a little fast.

No, I know, but these last
eight months have been torture.

I just don't want to
spend another day apart.

Again, cheesy?

Again, working.

[Kissing]

[Pounding at the door]

Oh, crap.

Just stay right there.

Oh.

Hi, guys. I don't mean to be
rude, but I'm a little busy.

We just, uh,
dropped by to say hello.

- Ah.
- Hello.

Aren't you gonna
invite us in?

Unless you're too busy,

making the biggest mistake
of your life.

All right, now, shoo.
Shoo. I can handle myself.

Mwah!
Love you, bye.

Sorry.
[Laughs]

So your dates
make house calls now?

Oh, all right,
they're neighbors.

But they're friends, you know.
They live across the hall.

They were just doing' me
a favor.

No, no, I get it,
I get it.

Breakups are tough,
you know.

Some women get cats,
you got those guys.

- Well...
- Mmm.

Holly, you know what I think
one of our problems was?

- What?
- We were so absorbed

with our careers
that we were apart

more than we were
together.

I totally agree
with that.

And... [Stutters]
I have a great idea.

What if we were to
work together?

Then we'd see each other
every day.

You want me
to work at your law firm?

Well, uh, no, no.
I'm no longer with them.

- Oh.
- Anymore.

Uh, for the past few months
I've been flying solo.

- You know what?
- I think our firm

is looking to
add a litigator.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I did not hear that.
- Ah.

You know, this just feels
so great, doesn't it, Holly?

Hey, and maybe
in a couple of months...

maybe in a couple of months
we can move in together.

You want me
to move into your apartment?

Well, I'm actually
between places right now.

I'm, uh, kinda chilling' at
my parents' place in Jersey.

But I was thinking,
maybe we can move into

our apartment
across the hall.

Okay, well, see,
since I bought it,

technically it's my apartment,
not ours. Heh!

And I can't exactly
kick those guys out, I mean...

Well, I mean, hey,
you know,

we'll give them
plenty of notice.

But this
is gonna be great!

Living together,
working together,

- just like we planned.
- Yeah.

God,
it sounds wonderful.

Living together
in my apartment,

working together
at my law firm,

and all I have to do
is kick out my friends.

Oh. Okay, Holly, let's put
the genie back in the bottle.

What the hell
was I thinking?

You didn't go to that thing
tonight to see me.

You went to get a job.

And you're not "flying solo,"
you're unemployed.

And freeloading
off your parents.

Hey, hey!

It's not like
I don't do chores.

You don't care about me.

You've never
cared about me.

All you care about
is yourself.

Holly, it pains me to know
that the trust we once had...

Shut up.

The only one getting kicked out
of an apartment tonight is you.

And let me tell you something
about those g...

about these guys.

They're my friends.

Maybe my best friends.

And knowing that they
are always there for me

is what helped me
get through the...

Eight months
since we've been broken up.

Just please leave.

- Holly.
- Hey.

Look,
the lady said, "leave."

Give me that swag bag.

How could I have been
so blind as to think

I was gonna marry that guy?
Ugh!

Face it,
you've changed.

You got
better taste in men.

Yeah, I do.

- Yeah, you do.
- Thanks, you guys.

- Ah.
- Come here.