The Exes (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Lost in Translation - full transcript

Stuart!
Come on, man.

You've been in there
for, like, 45 minutes.

What's taking
so long?

Almost there.

Just deciding on the right shoes
to go with the outfit.

Buddy, we're going
to the bar to meet women,

not turn into them.

Hi.

[Chuckles]
Hey, somebody's on the hunt.

I haven't had
a date in months.

This Kitty
needs to prowl.



So what's
the hold up?

Stuart.

He's trying to find shoes
to match his purse.

Listen, Phil, thank you so
much for letting him tag along.

You know, he's just
getting back in the game.

So try to be patient
with him, okay?

Hey, princess,
let's shake it!

You know, if you're in
a hurry, uh, you can go ahead.

Oh, no way.
I need you guys.

There's nothing more pathetic
than the solo walk-in.

It's like
you're saying:

"I'm just here to drink
and meet a man,"

and I don't like
to tip my hand that early.

All right, let's go
get some ladies.



Some lovely ladies,
some luscious ladies.

Maybe the solo walk-in
wouldn't be so bad.

All right,
easy, easy.

A little left,
a little left.

Angle it, angle it,
angle it, angle it!

Okay, fellas.

[Door shuts]

Um...I'll
go first.

Haskell, what's with
the coffin?

Well, I was taking
my after dinner constitutional

when this guy walks up
to me and he says,

"hey, want to buy
a coffin?

It's in my van
in the alley."

So being a street-smart
new yorker, I said,

"sure."

Haskell, you can't keep
a coffin in the apartment.

It's weird.

Why?
We let you in.

Trust me, it won't
be here long.

I'll put up some posters
in the building,

and someone
will grab it.

In fact, I just saw old
Mrs. Snyder in the lobby,

looking particularly creaky.

It was like she was
giving death a piggyback ride.

[Upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

Ah, well, thank you
for the walk-in, boys.

Now mama needs
to fly solo.

All right, I feel
like getting crazy tonight.

Ah, what's in
a "pomerita"?

One shot
of tequila,

no shot of
getting a woman.

Barkeep, two beers please.

- Hey... oh, hey.
- Hi.

How we doing
over here?

We're doing
all right.

Yeah, well, maybe we could
do better than all right.

Yeah, my name is Phillip,
this here's my friend...

Hi, Dr. Stuart
Gardner, dds.

I'm a dentist
and I'm divorced.

Although the dds stands
for "dentist," not "divorced."

Although it could stand
for "divorced dentist Stuart,"

that just occurred
to me.

Wow.

If I ever feel like
I'm having too much sex,

you're my wingman.

Stuart, only way
you can get this right

is if you do it
on your own, okay?

So...Fly,
baby bird.

Fly away
from the nest.

- Yeah, but...
- Yeah, yeah.

Fly, fly, fly,
be free.

Be free.

- Stuart.
- Hm?

Stuart, okay.
[Clears throat]

So the really cute guy that
just moved into our building

is sitting
right over there.

No, don't look!

I need to figure out
a way to meet him.

Why don't you just go up
and say "hi, I'm Holly"?

The world's just rainbows
and butterflies with you,

isn't it, Stuart?

Here's the plan, okay?

You are going to pretend
to harass me.

And then I'll protest and sit
at his table for protection.

Come on,
it'll work.

Let's go, come on.

Okay, yeah, all right.

Excuse me, miss,
if you're free for dinner...

Get your hand
off my ass, you freak!

Can I sit here? This guy's
been bothering me all night.

Sure.

Hi, I'm Jason.
Hey, I'm Holly.

Don't we live
in the same building?

We do?

Talk about fate.

- Or just good luck.
- Yeah.

So, um, when did you
and your wife move in?

Oh, a couple weeks ago,
and I'm not married.

Oh, my God.

I'm not...
[Gagging]

You okay?

I... it's just a popcorn kernel
went down the...

[Gagging sounds]

Can I get you
a glass of water?

- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Yeah?

Just tell me more
about yourself.

Okay.

Let's see, um...
I'm an architect.

Oh, my God, I'm such
a big fan of buildings.

[Choking]

Okay, you know what, I've got
an early morning tomorrow.

I hope we can see each other
around the building.

Really sorry.
Okay.

Oh, my God,
it just went down.

Wait!

So...
[Chuckling]

I get it.
You're into me.

I'm into you.

I think we're speaking
the same language.

[Speaks serbian]

I'm sorry, what?

[Speaking serbian]

[Replying in serbian]

[Laughs]

[Speaking serbian]

You speak
foreign hot girl?

- Serbian.
- Oh.

And yes, I-I have a lot
of serf patients.

I thought it would
help my practice

if I learned
the language.

[Speaking serbian]

[Replying in serbian]

See you later, Phil.

Oh, hey!
[Laughing]

Stuart, buddy,
what's the rush?

Well, I could help you
with the language,

but the only way you're going
to learn to do this right

is if you fly,
baby bird, fly.

Oh, come on, man, look.
Look, look, wait, wait, wait.

Listen, man, help me out
with this, please?

- All right.
- Okay, all right.

- What's her name?
- Tatiana.

Whoo!

Even her name
is hot.

Why don't you come
over here and sit down?

And tell Tatiana she looks
absolutely beautiful.

[Conversing in serbian]

She says you're sweet
and you have a sexy smile.

Yeah.

Uh, or she said
you have too many teeth.

I'm still getting used
to the accent.

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
ask her

what's she doing in New York.

[Conversing in serbian]

She's a lingerie model.

Pow!
[Grunting]

All right, uh...

Tell her it's awfully
noisy in here.

Uh, why doesn't she come up to
the apartment for a drink?

Uh, that's kind of quick,
isn't it, Phil? I mean...

Stuart, not in my world.
Just say it.

You're going
to scare her off if...

- Please?
- Just say it.

[Conversing in serbian]

She bought it.

Wow, I just picked up
a lingerie model.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, ha-ha!

Congratulations, I'll let
you know if you get lucky.

Come on.

[Humming vigorously]

A beauty, ain't it?

- Bye-bye.
- Oh, no!

No, no, no.

No, no,
stay, stay.

Haskell, do something
about that thing.

It's a mood killer.

There.
Now it's decor.

So here...

Come on in.

[Loudly]
Have a seat.

Hello.

[Speaking serbian]

I'm sorry, what?

[Speaking serbian]

[Popping sound]

Oh!
I get it.

You want champagne.
Champagne.

Da! Da.

Perfect.

Listen, I'm going to go
find some champagne.

You keep Tatiana company.

I think I could
suffer through that.

All right.

[Chatting in serbian]

Haskell,
it's an emergency.

Tatiana wants champagne.
Do we have any champagne?

Yeah, I put some
in the fridge.

Behind the caviar,
the truffles,

and my date with
Scarlett Johansson.

Tatiana?

Bye-bye.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No bye-bye.

Stuart, where's
my model going?

We talked about her family
and if it was hard being away.

She got a little homesick,
so she's going to go call them.

[Speaking serbian]

Oh, she wants to have dinner
with you tomorrow night.

- Yeah, really?
- Yeah, mm-hm.

- Da.
- Da?

Da.
Da!

- Bye-bye.
- Whoa, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, she forgot
her purse.

Ah, Tatiana,
I think I...

[Speaks in serbian]

Are you sure this
is going to work?

You want another shot
at meeting Jason, right?

Yeah, I really thought
we had had a connection

until I started hocking up
a furball.

Then trust me,
this will work, okay?

We break into his mailbox,
stick your mail in it,

he'll think
it got there by mistake.

And he'll come back
to your apartment.

God, you're a sneaky
little thing, aren't you?

- Ladies.
- Hello.

What a beautiful day
to be alive.

All that baby needs
is the right buyer.

Hello, Mrs. Snyder.
How you feeling?

I keep telling you,
I'm fine.

Your mouth says yes,
but your skin color says no.

[Knock at door]

Oh, it's you.

I take it that means
Jason hasn't come by yet?

No.

What kind of creep keeps
somebody else's mail?

He just went from "potential
boyfriend" to "identity thief."

[Knock at door]

It's him.

[Excited squeal]

Oh.

Mind if I stash
my coffin here?

I've always dreamt of some man
saying that to me.

Well, Phil has a date,
and for some reason,

he thinks it's a mood killer.

Yeah, he's right,
and no.

Sure, why should
you help me?

A simple man trying to scratch
out an honest living.

Maybe even send his mother
a check every now and then.

All right, Haskell.

And wheel lock.

Hey, he's not coming,
is he?

[Sighs]

I'm going to go get
some wine and ice cream.

Throw in some Kitty litter
and you got

the sad woman trifecta.

Haskell, whenever
Phil's date's done,

you get this ghoulish
box out of here.

I don't know why everybody's
so squeamish about this thing.

It's not like
there's a dead body in it.

No, we're okay.

Stuart,
come on, man.

Tatiana's going to be
here any second.

Great.
Now, remember...

I want to keep it
light tonight.

Mm-hm, got it.

What's that smell?

You wearing my cologne?

Yeah, I borrowed some.

I think it'll avoid confusion
if I smell like you.

[Doorbell rings]

[Greeting in serbian]

Damn, girl,
you look hot.

[Translating]

Stuart, do me a favor.

And tell her she looks
even more beautiful

than she did last night.

[Translating]

Oh.
[Speaks serbian]

Uh, she said,
"thank you."

[Giggling]

[Conversing in serbian]

What's up with
the hand grab, man?

What'd you say to her?

Nothing.
No, I... no, I just said

that I agree
with what you said.

Oh, okay.

Don't do that.

It's my line.
[Laughs]

No more piggybacking,
just...Translate.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

Now, tell her that I have an
amazing night planned for us.

Yeah, we're going to go
to dinner and a club.

And some dancing.

[Translating]

Ooh!
[Speaks serbian]

She said that
sounds awesome.

Yeah, it's going to be.

[Conversing in serbian]

Another hand grab!
Stuart, kitchen, now please.

Stuart, what's going on?

What are you
talking about?

Aw, come on, man,
the laughing,

the hand grabbing,
borrowing my cologne.

Admit it.
You like her.

[Scoffs]
No, I... how could you say that?

That's... wh...
Okay, I'm crazy about her.

Mm-hm.

I tried, Phil, I tried,
I tried to resist,

but...
[Stammering]

Look, I'm going
to back off.

I mean, the last thing
I would want to do

is steal her
from you.

[Laughs]

You?
Steal her from me?

Dr. Stuart gardner, dds,
is going to steal

a lingerie model
from me?

[Laughs]

I don't know why
that sounds so crazy.

I am the one who picked her up
in the first place.

Yeah, with my words, man,
come on.

And by the way,
all of this here.

Well, maybe it was the way
your words were said

by all of this...

Here.

All right, you know what,
look, this is ridiculous.

We can't fight
over her.

There's not
a fight.

Dude, you're not
even in the ring.

You're in the stands
eating hot dogs.

Oh, okay, all right.

If you're so confident, then
why don't we let her decide?

Okay, why don't
we let her decide?

Tatiana...

[Speaking Serbian]

Da?

[Conversing in serbian]

- Phil?
- Mm?

[Speaking Serbian]

Yeah, she said something about
"chemistry," blah, blah, blah.

Nice try, buddy,
I can see it in her eyes.

[Speaking Serbian]

She said she's hot
for me too.

What?

[Continuing in Serbian]

Well, what'd she say?
Who'd she pick?

You.

Yeah!

And me.

What?

Wait a second.

She wants to date
both of us?

Oh, she didn't
use the word "date."

You know what,
this is ridiculous.

I'm going to go
in there

and tell her it ain't
happening, all right?

Grab a snack,
I'll be right back.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

You know what,
you know what, I, um...

I think it should probably
be me to go and tell her

because, you know,
I speak the language.

Oh, no, no,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

All right, look.
Look, we got to face it.

The only way either
one of us has a shot

is if it's both of us.

So what do we do?

Phil.

Stuart?

[Giggling]

[Whispering in Serbian]

What'd she say?

She wants us
to kiss each other.

We're done.
That's it for me.

Oh, Holly,
wait, wait.

Wow.

Wow right back
at you.

Um...

Your mail got put
in my box by mistake, so...

Here it is.

Is something wrong?
Are you okay?

Yeah...Uh, no.

You got a little
something right...

Here.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll see you.

Wait, I don't...
Look like this.

I just got caught
in the rain.

And, um, at the bar
the other day, when I was...

[Choking noise]
You know, I just...

I had a piece
of popcorn...

Can we just
start over please?

Sure.

Thanks.
Hi, I'm Holly.

Hi, I'm Jason.
[Laughter]

You want to come in
for a drink

so I can prove I'm not
the building weirdo?

- I would like that.
- And get this crap off my face.

Oh, well.

[Groans]

Good evening.

- [Gasps]
- Oh, no, no, no!

Wait, come back!

I'm not the building weirdo!

Phil, I'm sorry that I messed
up your date with Tatiana.

I broke the guy rules.

Nah, with a woman that hot,
there are no rules.

Hey, guys.

My night was
a total bust.

Yeah, welcome
to the club.

Oh, yeah? Anybody want
to go see a movie?

- Yeah, sure, I'll go.
- Yeah, me too.

Oh, great.

We'll make it
a threesome.