The Exes (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - A Very Wrong Engagement - full transcript

Phil, what are you doing home?

I thought you were on a date
with that hot e.R. Doctor.

I was at her house, about to make my move,

She gets a call and has to go into work.

Turns out some jogger in central
park got struck by lightning.

Why me?!

Why me?!

Is that Avatar? - Mm-hmm.

I love that movie.

Okay, nobody panic.

Just get whatever you need to
get through the night and leave.



Oh, my god, what happened?

I--is the building on fire?

Worse. My mother's coming.

Her flight to st. Louis got diverted to jfk,

And she can't get out till tomorrow.

Uh-huh, uh, I'm sorry.

I don't understand. What's the problem?

The problem is she's
coming to stay with me...

And my fianc?.

You no longer have a fianc?.

You haven't told her already?

no I haven't told her already.

She thinks I still live in
this apartment with Brad.

Holly, you broke up
with him eight months ago.



How could you lie all this
time to your own mother?

Don't you judge me.

Her, I'm afraid of.

You, I could snap like a twig.

It hasn't been easy

Telling my mother that
my fianc? cheated on me

And there's not gonna be a wedding.

I mean, she was so happy I
was finally getting married.

But I'm gonna tell her.

I just have to find the right moment.

In the meantime, it would mean so much to me

If you guys would just,
for one night, move across the hall

To my apartment, please.

- Okay. You got it.
- Why not?

You know what-- you know what?

You've been there for us,
so it's the least we could do.

Oh th--I love you guys.

What are you waiting for?!

Pack up your stuff and get out!

Move, move, move!

Oh, my god, hurry up, you guys!

My mom's cab just pulled up.

Haskell, it's only one night.

Why are you taking a bowling ball?

Well, the last night of my marriage,

I told my wife I was going bowling.

And she screamed,
"it's either that bowling ball or me."

I keep this as a reminder
that I made the right choice.

Okay, Holly, here's a list of women

Who could conceivably stop by.

- Oh.
- All right?

If it's keira, I'm across the hall.

- If it's susan, I moved.
- Okay.

And if it's crazy sandy,

Bolt the door, call 911.

Holly, I--I'm serious,
you bolt the door, call 911.

All right.

Okay.

Ah, the ex-fianc?, huh?

Yeah, until I tell my mom,
I want her to think

That Brad and I live
here as a loving couple.

Die...

You cheating...

Bastard.

So, you're gonna tell her tonight, huh?

Yeah, I have this plan.

She's gonna come in,
I'm going to open up a little wine,

And as soon as she hits
that 2 1/2-glass sweet spot,

I'm gonna lower the boom.

Holly, you know it wouldn't be so hard

If you hadn't deceived her all this time.

Like a twig, Stuart.

oh.

Oh, god.

You're an adult. You can do this.

You're an adult. You can do this.

You're an adult. You can do this.

Hi, mommy!

Hello, dear.

Oh, I don't know how you live in this city.

I've been here half an hour.

I've smelled urine ten times.

What's the matter? You look tired.

Uh, no, I'm just excited to see you.

Me too, honey.

So where's Brad?
Where's your future husband?

My god, how long did it take
before I could finally say that?

I mean, really, how long?

Long, mom, long.

Unfortunately, Brad is um,
he's out of town on business.

Well, that's too bad.

When's he coming back?

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow morning.

You'll just miss him.

Well, I'm just thrilled there's a him.

Aww.

To be honest, before you got engaged,

There were nights your father
and I wondered if one day

We were going to meet
your special friend barb.

I'm so happy for you, Holly.

Happy, happy, happy!

Have a big old glass of wine, mom.

- None for me, thanks.
- What?

- When did you stop drinking?
- I didn't stop.

I'm just a little tired from the flight.

Oh, mom, please, come on.

Have a glass--maybe 2, 2 1/2,

I'm fine.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

But when I get back, I want to hear

All about your wedding plans.

Yeah, we'll talk about it over wine.

No, I want to be clear-headed
when we talk about your wedding.

That's what makes me happy.

Who needs wine?

Me.

Barb's lover.

- Oh, my god.
- What's the matter?

I'm searching for Avatar...

She's only got basic cable.

No premium channels.

No wi-fi.

She's living like an animal!

What's the snack situation like?

Carb-free, sugar-free and gluten-free!

Her food's got no food!

Guys, come on.

We don't need snacks or tv, okay?

Why don't we just hang out a little?

Talk about our lives, hmm?

I'll go first.

- Streaming Avatar!
- Thank you!

Hold your hands steady.
I can't see the screen.

Then--then shove over.

Your thumbs are covering
the sc--come on, man.

Y-yeah.

Let's face it.
Movie night's not happening.

- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

Hold on, three guys, one bedroom.

That's not happening either.

Well, I mean, what are our choices?

Bed, couch, floor.

Well, there must be
some fair way to do this.

Yeah, there must be.

I'm gonna go sleep on it.

The guy is a gazelle.

Yes, he is.

So that's how it's gonna go down, huh?

Fine.

But you know what they say about
the man who sleeps on the floor.

He has nothing to lose.

Nothing!

All right, all freshened up?

How about a glass of wine?

What's with you and wine?

The time for heavy drinking
is after you're married.

- Mom, we need to talk.
- Yes, we do.

We need to talk about your
wedding plans; so where are you?

About the wedding, um,
the truth of the matter is--

You haven't made any plans, have you?

No, I haven't, and the reason for that--

Honey, you don't have to explain it to me.

You're busy. You have your career.

Uh, no, it's a little
more complicated than that.

Of course it is.

There are invitations,
a date, a place, a dress.

It's overwhelming.

And I haven't been there for you.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

No, it's not.

Your sister Jill had my help,

And that's exactly what you're going to get.

You know what?

I'm not leaving here until we have

Your entire wedding completely planned.

Morning, baby.

Baby?

Good morning, funnyface.

Oh, Haskell, what the hell
are you doing in my bed?

Take it easy, pretty boy.

The--the floor was killing my back.

Anyway, I stayed on my side of the fence.

You, on the other hand,
had to be slapped back several times.

Oh, hey, eden.

So...Should I ask how
is Holly or how was Holly?

It's not what you think.

I mean it, Haskell, stay out of my bed!

Okay, something freaky is going on here.

And I'd like to know why I wasn't invited.

Uh, it just uh--Holly's
mother showed up unexpectedly,

So we had to swap apartments

Until she tells her she's no longer engaged.

Wow. No matter how old we get,

We still want to please our mothers.

I'm always gonna be my mom's little girl.

Even though I do like, tower over her.

Good morning, everyone.

I didn't know what kind of
breakfast treats you all like,

So I just got an assortment.

- Oh, that was very thoughtful.
- Yeah!

- No, no, don't eat those!
- What? Why not?

It's her bad news basket.

Okay, she gave me one just like it

When she asked me to work new year's.

Take one bite, and you're her bitch.

I already took a bite.

Look, don't listen to her.
Eat up, all right?

I mean have a scon-- try a crumpet,
those are yummy!

Wait a minute!

You didn't tell your mother. -

Now we're stuck in the
land technology forgot.

I tried.

I was ready to, and then
she wouldn't take the wine.

She wouldn't take the wine!

She told me she was gonna stay

And help me plan my entire wedding.

And then she told me she was proud of me.

- And then I--
- you just crumbled.

Big time.

All she ever talks about is my sister Jill

And how perfect her life is

And how perfect her marriage is and...

for once, I wasn't the pathetic loser

Sitting at home alone on a Saturday night

Waiting for her assistant
to bring over files

So she could bury herself in work.

Where should I put these files?

But listen, you guys.

I promise, I'm gonna
tell her today at lunch.

Okay, you better.

'cause I'm not sleeping
here with the night crawler.

Oh, the night crawler, huh?

Well, I was going to let it go, but...

You licked my ear.

It tickled.

What are we doing here?

I thought we were going out to lunch.

I couldn't wait another minute.

I've dreamt about seeing
you in your bridal gown

Ever since you were a little girl.

Well, you were never really
little but you know, young.

Hi, I'm colleen, your bridal consultant.

Oh, you and I are going
to be very good friends.

Well, let's not start braiding
each other's hair just yet.

Okay, time to try dresses.

Oh, not me, right?

No, no--dresses no--oh, my god.

No, mom, this is so crazy--we need to talk.

And we will. Just try on one dress,

And we'll talk as much as you want.

The last thing I want to do right now

Is try on a wedding dress.

I had such fun doing
this with your sister.

But I keep forgetting... You're not Jill.

Give me the damn dress.

Is everything okay in there, sweetheart?

Oh, god, why are there so many
straps and hooks and zippers?

What is this thing? Oh,
that's where my boobs go.

Come on out already, honey.

We just want to get an idea.

Okay, fine.

Holly...

What, am I falling out somewhere?

You look so beautiful.

Really?

Look for yourself.

I do.

I'm a beautiful bride.

And I'm getting married.

Oh, perfect, she's here.
Guys, we're out of here!

Look what I have.

No!

Not another basket.

Fancy meat's in there.

Yeah, and english
biscuits and french cheeses.

Oh, no...Truffles!

We're never getting out of here.

You didn't tell your mother, did you?

I was gonna, but you
guys should have seen me

In a wedding dress.

What the hell were you
doing in a wedding dress?

Having the most magical
day of my entire life.

They assign a special person just to you.

Mine was colleen.
We're best girlfriends now.

Oh, and they fit you in the bridal shop.

I'm a size four.

A size four!

My mom said I was gonna make

An even more beautiful bride than my sister.

And then afterwards, we had lunch

And we talked and we laughed and we giggled.

I've never giggled with my mom before.

Listen, Holly, unless there's
a little groom in this basket,

this wedding ain't happening.

I know.

I know.

But I'm powerless.

I need help.

I need a bridal intervention.

Don't worry. We're gonna help you, okay?

We will come over for drinks

And you'll find the right time to tell her,

And we'll be there to back you up.

Really, you guys would do that for me?

You've done a lot for us.

We'll see you through this.

- Thanks.
- And when you return

to your forlorn little existence,

for the love of god,
get a premium cable package.

Hurry up, mom. The guys are here.

Hi.

Mom, I'd like you to meet Phil,
Stuart, and Haskell.

Guys, this is my mother, Marjorie.

Nice place you got here.

Sweet!

Holly, uh...

You didn't tell us you have such a hot mom.

Oh, isn't that nice?

You must be the charmer of the group.

The ladies must love you.

I do all right.

I bet you do more than all right.

All right, okay, all right,
let's stop, stop.

A pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

Your daughter helped me
through a very difficult time.

She's a wonderful woman.

Oh, you're a polite young man.

Holly, if you weren't
already getting married,

I'd say grab this one.

Aw.

He won't curl your toes,

But he'd be there for the long run.

Mom!

Oh!

They know I'm just having fun.

Look, mom, I'm just
glad you're here to meet

The three most important men in my life.

Well, aren't you forgetting one?

The most important one?

- Brad?
- Brad!

Brad, of course.

Oh, you guys must know
my future son-in-law.

Brad, right, Brad.

I find him a little distant.

Well, I think we just eliminated you

As the best man at the wedding.

Ah-hah.

Speaking of which,

Holly, have you decided
on your maid of honor?

No, I haven't.

And I'll tell you why.

Right after I've checked
on the hors d'oeuvres.

Just, uh, just for the record,

My wife considered me a very capable lover.

I'll go check on the hors d'oeuvres.

I can't do it.

I can't break her heart.

There's only one way out.

Stuart, please marry me.

Holly, up, up, come on, get up.

Ow.

- I just can't get the words out.
- Sure you can.

Look, just--here, practice on me.

Okay, just pretend I'm your mother.

Say what you have to say, go ahead.

- Okay, mom?
- Yes, sweetie?

I caught Brad cheating on me,

And there's not gonna be a wedding.

Oh, no. And somehow

I made you feel as though
you couldn't tell me?

I'm so sorry.

She would never do it like that.

All right, look, sit down.

If we're gonna do it,
let's do it right, okay?

- You be me. Go.
- Okay.

Mom, there isn't gonna be a wedding.

I caught Brad cheating on me.

What did you do?!

You drove him away, didn't you?

Oh, I should have known.

I should have known not to get my hopes up.

Oh, I can't even look at you right now.

You've broken my heart!

It's okay, mom, I'm--I'll fix it.

- I'll get him back, it's--
- see, not so easy, is it?

I--I don't know. You're screwed.

Yeah, I mean,
how am I gonna tell that woman

That I caught my fianc?
cheating on me eight months ago,

And there's no wedding?

I mean...

You just did.

She's right behind me, isn't she?

Yeah.

Mom...

Look, Holly, just go talk to your mother.

The worst part's over.

Oh, no, the worst part has just begun.

Mom?

Are you okay?

Oh, mom, say something.

Please?

Eight months.

You've been lying to me for eight months.

Every time we talked on the phone.

Every time I brought up
Brad and the wedding,

It was all a lie.

We went to a bridal shop.

You picked out a wedding dress.

And it was all a lie.

What did I do?

What kind of mother have I been

To make you feel you couldn't tell me.

Honey, I am so sorry.

Really? You're sorry?

Well, what did you
think I was going to say?

Something like that.

I-I-I don't get it.

Your sister tells me everything.

That's it.

That's why I didn't say anything.

It's Jill. It's always about Jill.

How Jill leads the perfect life.

It's not that.

Jill's not perfect. She's just...Married.

I--I get married.

I don't get--

Me.

You don't get me.

No, honey, you know I'm so proud of you.

I just want you to be happy.

I don't want you to be alone.

Mom, I am happy, okay?

And I don't know if I'm
ever gonna get married.

But, I'm not alone.

I've got those three guys in the kitchen.

Trust me, they're a lot
better for me than Brad was.

Ugh, that Brad makes me sick.

To think you had to go through

The pain of that all by yourself.

It broke my heart.

I know.

Know what breaks my heart?

You never gave me a chance to do this.

Come on.

Can we come out now?

Tighter, mommy.

Mmm.