The Exes (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - An Inconvenient Tooth - full transcript

[knock at door]

Coming.

Oh, great. You're here.
I need something.

Phil, did it ever occur to you
that I might be on a date?

I don't have time for jokes.

My tooth is killing me.

So take an aspirin.

I tried, it's not working.

I need some of your
super lady painkillers.

My super lady painkillers?

Yeah, you know,
like on the tv



When the woman's doubled over
in pain, she pops a pill,

And then all of a sudden,

She's riding a bike
on the beach.

Here's a crazy idea,

One of your roommates
happens to be a dentist,

So why don't you just
ask stuart for help?

No. No, no. No dentists.

Oh, my god.

Big, tough, manly phil
is afraid of dentists.

I am not afraid.

I'm terrified.

Look, I hate the place.

T-the sounds, the smells,
the really sharp tools.

Yeah, you mean, like
the ones that go,



"zzzzz!"
ahh!

All right, look.
Stop being a baby.

Let's just go see stuart.

No, no. Stuart can't
know about this.

If he senses anything
is wrong,

He'll make me go to his office
and try to fix it.

Look, you've got
to fix it, sweetie.

Honey,
how are you gonna eat?

I'm not even thinking
about eating.

I'm just gonna go home, crawl
into bed, and tough it out.

Okay. Hey, phil?
Huh?

Zzzzz!
Ahh! Stop playing!

Hey, you're just
in time for dinner.

What?

It's our
four-week anniversary,

I thought a celebration
was in order.

No. No food.
Why not?

Uh, 'cause we're guys.

And, you know, guys don't do
this type of stuff.

Right, haskell?

Stuart taught me
how to fold napkins.

Look, a dove.

Look, this is just my way
of thanking you guys

For taking me in.

Phil, this dinner's so good,
it's gonna make you cry.

Try the fresh breadsticks.
They're killer.

[knock at door]

Oh. Here.

Hi, hi.

Oh, my god. Thanks for
bringing these files over.

They weigh a ton.

I think your
lift-to-weight ratio

Must be higher than an ant's.

Oh, no.
What's the matter?

Well, it took me
so long to get here,

I'll never make it home
in time

To change and be back
in the city to hit the clubs.

Why don't you just
stay home for one night?

Yeah, it starts
with one night.

Then another night, then
another, and pretty soon, I'm--

Not you.

Holly, uh, that top
you're wearing is gorgeous.

Really? Thank you.
Could I borrow it?

To do what?
Live in it?

No. I wanna wear it tonight.

I bet I could make it work.
Come on, please?

So I'm thinking you might want
some drink money, too?

Oh, you buy your own drinks?

Haskell, you gotta help me.

I have a tooth that's killing me
and I don't want stuart to know.

Why not? He's a dentist.

I'm afraid of dentists.

I can't eat anything.
Every bite is torture.

Would you please
eat my food for me?

What do you mean?
Like, chew it up for you,

And spit it back in your mouth
like a bird?

'cause I'm willing to do it.

No. Just eat when
stuart's not looking.

'kay, here's the steak.
Thick and juicy.

Don't worry, phil.

I saved you the biggest cut.

Wow.

So, uh, stuart...

Is that a new painting?

No, that, uh, that was here
when I moved in.

You don't say.
Mm-hmm.

That vase over there, though,
that's gotta be new, right?

No, that was here, too.

Mmm!

Hey, you know, are you sure
that painting

Isn't hung too high
right there?

Looks fine to me,
I don't know.

Are you sure?
'cause I was thinking--

Okay, phil? Phil.

I'm starting to get
a little whiplash

From all your questions.
Can we just eat?

Why are you chewing
so slowly?

I'm savoring every bite.

Stop the madness.

He's got a bad tooth,
and he's afraid of dentists.

Is this true?
Uh-huh.

Well, those days
are over, my friend.

You are now in the hands
of the man

That midtown dental
weekly called

"the tooth whisperer."

Tomorrow,
you come to my office.

In the meantime, I got something
that'll ease the pain.

So do I. Look. Boobies.

Deanna, this first patient's
gonna be a bit of a challenge.

He's a level ten
dental chicken.

Is he a biter?
We'll find out.

Hello.

Have a seat, phil.
I don't wanna.

Oh, don't worry.
Dr. Gardner's the best.

Yeah. Midtown dental weekly
called him--

Yeah, I-I-I heard.
I heard.

Deanna's been with me
since the beginning.

And I couldn't do it
without her.

Now just relax, phil.

Soon the gas will take effect,

And it'll be happy time.

Yeah, but I don't, I don't,
I don't feel anything, man,

And I need to be...

♪ feelin' it ♪

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's nice.

When did the world
become so velvety?

Don't worry, phil.
You're in a safe, safe place.

Get the drill.

Hi, hi.
Hey, eden.

Brought your clothes back,
as promised.

So how'd they work out?

Oh, your clothes
got crazy-stupid last night.

Wanna see pictures?
Okay, sure.

All right. So here I am
at bar new york.

Oh, I've never been
to bar new york.

Although I did walk by it once
on my way home

After being stood up.

Here I am at studio b.

Okay, marquis. Cielo.

I don't remember
what that place was

Or who that guy is

Or why we're making out.

Okay, no, no, here's--
yeah, I get it.

Drink, dance, grope, repeat.

Holly, would you mind
if I borrowed some more clothes?

I don't think so.
Oh, come on, please?

I can't afford designer things
like you.

At least, not on my salary.

Eden, the underpaid assistant
card is not gonna work.

Gosh, you're pretty.

You know where the closet is.
Oh, you're the best!

What, you want uppy?

Haskell, why are you still
folding napkins?

I can't stop.

I'm obsessed with it.

Look, I've made geese,
and swans,

And if I can turn this
into a gun,

I'm gonna shoot myself.

So how's my patient doing?

Well, I heard him
in his bedroom,

Moaning like a woman.

I'll go see how he's doing?

So how's my patient doing?

Dr. Gardner!
Dude!

Stuart, you look devastated.

Could you take it
in the other room?

My show is about to start.

My dental assistant
is naked in phil's bed.

And record.

[door slams]
hey. Uh, stuart?

Uh, maybe next time
you knock.

You slept with my assistant?

Yeah, and lemme
tell you something,

That woman deserves a raise.

I saw her naked.

Yeah, well, who told you
to barge into my room?

So the whole time
I was out here,

The two of you were in there?

I am somehow both repulsed
and titillated.

Phil, did you ever stop
to think about the consequences?

This woman works for me,

And now I saw her in bed
with my roommate.

You have any idea, how horribly,
horribly awkward

That will make her feel?

Good-bye, dr. Gardner.

See you at mr. Bender's
root canal at 9:00.

Bye, phil.
I'll call ya, baby.

Sure, whatever.

Yeah, she seems devastated.

Stuart, it was just
a one time thing

Between two consenting adults.

But you just said
you were gonna call her.

Yeah, but that's just
single guy talk for good-bye.

Like when you say,
"sure I love you, baby."

That means it's over.

Good morning, deanna.
Good morning, doctor.

The patient's all prepped.
Thank you.

Would you please pass me
the periodontal probe?

Deanna?
Oh!

Just checking to see
if phil returned my text.

But he hasn't.

Uh, the probe?

Oh, sorry.
There you go, doctor.

'kay, that's a pen.

Now, why hasn't phil
called?

You heard him. He said,
"baby, I'll call you."

Well, but then you said,
"okay, sure, whatever."

Yeah, but that's just
single girl talk for,

"I just had sex with you,
you'd better call soon."

Why don't we get
back to work? Um...

Would you hand me
the tongue retractor please?

Oh.

[cell phone ringing]
phil?

No, mom.
He hasn't called yet.

Well, how the hell
do I know why?

Uh, deanna?
Just give me a minute!

Hi, hi.
Oh, hey, eden.

Once again, your clothes
were a hit.

Um, now you might find
a few tiny mirrors

Stuck to the butt.

On a dare, I took a spin
on a disco ball.

So, holly, for tonight
I was thinking

The dolce and a chanel
with a fendi.

You can have them all.

On one condition.
What?

Take me with you.

I'm sick of my clothes

Having a better social life
than I do.

I need to get out,
I need to have fun.

I need to get mirror balls
stuck to my ass.

It's about time.
Stick with me

And you'll do things
you're ashamed of for years.

Hey, check me out.
I'm the pope.

Yeah, that's...That's nice.

Hey, hey. Look at me.

I'm eating walnuts.
No pain.

That makes one of us.
W-w-what happened?

Well, remember how you said
deanna was cool

With it being just
a little one-time thing?

Uh-huh.
Turns out she isn't.

She was waiting all day
for you to call her.

Yeah, that happens.
Sometimes you snag a clinger.

[knock at door]
what's a clinger?

Hi, phil.

Hey.

Deanna, everything okay?

Oh, fine. But you left
your coffee mug at work,

And I thought
you might need it.

Oh, you mean the coffee mug
I leave at work every day?

Do you? I hadn't real--
hey, phil!

So I had a great time
with you last night.

So did I.

So maybe we could
go out again sometime.

Uh, yeah. Sure.
Absolutely.

Well, I'm here now.
So let's go for a drink.

You know, I'd love to,
but the thing is...

The thing is, you don't
want to see me anymore.

No, actually--
oh, no. It's happening again.

Oh, god.
I meet a really nice guy,

And I think there's
a connection,

And I jump into bed
way too soon,

And then here I am.
Whoo, I'm an idiot.

No, deanna, it's okay.
No, it's not.

It's not.
I'm so embarrassed.

I feel like a fool.
No, no, no, no, no. No.

Deanna, look, you're
a wonderful person.

Oh, my god.

This whole thing
has been so humiliating.

Dr. Gardner, I'm sorry.

I don't think I can work
for you anymore.

What? No, deanna,
don't say that.

We've been together for years.
We're a team.

But seeing you
reminds me of phil.

And he reminds me of every
bad choice I've ever made.

I'm sorry, dr. Gardner.
I quit.

Did I hear a door slam?

Yep, that was
stuart's assistant.

I missed her again?

Hey, stuart?

Uh, might've misjudged
this one. Sorry.

You couldn't have slept
with my receptionist?

I've been trying
to fire her for years.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to fix deanna.

I want you to make her
feel better about herself.

Like she hasn't been
rejected yet again.

How am I supposed to do that?

Date her for the rest
of my life?

Tell her that you're gay.

Get out of here.
Oh, oh, oh.

Actually, that's brilliant.

I mean, if you're gay,
she can't take it personally.

Forget it.
Phil, come on, man.

I need you to do this for me.

Ever since my divorce,
being a dentist

Is the only part of my life
that I can depend on.

I-I-it's my sanctuary.

And without deanna,
that's all gone.

Please do this for me,
as a friend.

Stuart, no.
No way.

Listen, your practice
might be your sanctuary.

My dating life is mine.

This news could tweet
around the world

Before I even got home,

And the last thing I need
is women in bars asking,

"why is gay phil
hitting on me?"

"why is gay phil hitting
on me?"

No! No!
No, no, no! No!

What a drama queen.

God, this is fun.

I gotta let loose
more often, man.

How long has it been
since you went clubbing?

Oh, gosh. When did people
start using cell phones?

Look, we're next.
All right. Stick close.

They know me here.
Okay.

Oh, what's up, eden?

Hey, bradford.
Hey, bradford.

Uh, tonight it's me
plus one.

Well, you're no problem.
But your plus one is.

What's wrong with
her plus one?

Well, this place has an image

They're trying to maintain.

They want the crowd
to have a certain...

Look.

And I don't have that look?
Probably did in the 90s.

Do you see anybody else
over 25 here?

No. It's just us
gen-x, y, z...

What letter are we on now?

I'm sorry.
I-I can't let you in.

Well, I-if she's not going in,
neither am I, all right?

And you're really gonna
feel it at the bar.

Suit yourself.

Hurry, hurry.

Hi, bradford.

Just, uh, testing out
your rope.

It's, it's real strong.

Just like you.

Please step back.

Look, bradford, I gotta
get in there and have some fun.

Okay? I haven't been out
in a long, long time.

I'm getting that.

Fine. I don't want to go
in your stupid club anyway.

I mean, I-I have
a very fulfilling life.

I am a partner
in a major law firm

So I don't need to waste
my time

Partying with
a bunch of toddlers.

Oh, and by the way, kids,
the 90s were awesome.

We all had money,

And getting through
the airport was a breeze.

Oh, sir? Um, it looks like
your shoe's untied there.

Yeah, I know.
Excuse me. Sorry.

Thanks, yeah. Oof.
Thanks, honey.

I gotta get up here. Yeah.
Ooh. Ah. Oh. Ho, ho, ho.

Oh, I'm getting in. Ha, ha.

Hey, you.
I-in the third stall.

Could you pull me in?

Well, thanks for
meeting me, deanna.

Look, there must be something
that I can do

To convince you to stay.

The patients need you.
I need you.

Please, come back.

I'm sorry, dr. Gardner,
I can't.

Even this feels awkward.

I'm gay.

What?

Deanna, I'm sorry

I came across so...

Incredibly heterosexual
the other day.

But I'm not.

I'm gay.

I'm proud of you, phil.

For being such a proud
gay man.

Wait a minute.
I see what's going on here.

I'm not an idiot,
although I feel like one.

Now it all makes sense.

Your divorce,
moving in with two men.

You're gay, too,
aren't you, dr. Gardner?

Me? No. No, I'm not gay.

Oh, stuart,
drop the facade.

Stuart and I are lovers.

But I don't get it.
Why did you sleep with me?

Well, we had a fight,
and I lashed out

By jumping into bed with you.

But the whole time,
all I could think about

Was my beef stu.

Well, no wonder you didn't
return my calls.

At least now I know
it's not me.

So how serious are you guys?

Well, we just celebrated
an anniversary.

Congratulations!

Well, I will see you
at the office, dr. Gardner.

And don't worry...

I won't tell anyone
until you're ready.

Hopefully, that'll be soon.

Aww!

So, honey,
are you happy?

Aw, thanks for coming through
for me, man.

All right. Consider it
an anniversary present.

Hey, haskell, what's up?

Oh, look at this.
No more napkin animals, huh?

You finally kicked the habit.

I realized that making things
out of napkins

Was a waste of time.

So I moved on...

To straws.

Here.

Hey, guys.
Hey, holly. Whoa.

Y-you okay?

Oh, yeah.
Where have you been?

Oh, well, I went to a club.

Yeah,
I had to scale a building

And jump through a window
to get in.

But I got there.

Yeah, I danced, I did shots,
I made out with a stranger

Lost an earring
and my driver's license,

And broke my heel
slipping on puke.

But guess what?

I was out past 10:00.

All: Yay!
Another round!