The Exes (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Lutz and the Real Girl - full transcript

Wendy, I had
a great time last night.

You are a cutie.

I ain't gonna
argue with you there.

[both laugh]

Yeah!

Morning, Haskell.
Shh! Hold on.

Just 'cause your date is over
doesn't mean mine is.

Oh, you online
with your cyber-squeeze?

Yeah.
We should double sometime.

I'll bring my laptop.

Wow, you and Rebecca
have been dating for a while.



Seems like you guys
are getting kind of serious.

Haskell's got a girlfriend?

[laughs] Sorry, I didn't
mean to sound so shocked.

You've got a girlfriend?

What is so strange
about that?

In fact,
we're on a date right now.

"How is the weather
in Seattle?"

Ah, so the girlfriend's
from Seattle, huh?

Yep.

So she comes here?
Nope.

So he goes there?
Nope.

Hang on.

Haskell,
have you ever actually

Been in the same room
as your girlfriend?



Nope.

But I spent 12 years
in the same room

With my ex-wife.

Trust me,
it's overrated.

So, you've got
this girlfriend,

But all you do
is sit around and video chat?

No, no.
No video.

One can express oneself
so much more intimately

With just words.

I don't mean to pry,

But how do you have sex?

Oh, there's an app for that.

Oh, hey.
Listen, guys--

Oh, holly. Holly.

Prepare to be weirded out.

Haskell's on a date
with his virtual girlfriend.

Oh, Rebecca?
Tell her I said hi.

All right, listen.

Um, there's a, uh,
problem down in the laundry room

And I need a man, phil.

Whoa, hey,
hang on, hang on.

I mean, how come you
automatically, you know,

Go to Phil?

He's not the only man here.

Okay, fine.

Um, there's a big,
scary homeless man

Down in the laundry room,

And I need help
booting him out.

You want to get that, Phil?

Oh, I would,

But I'd rather sit here
and watch you squirm

Like a scared little girl.

All right, butch, you're up.

[upbeat music]

♪ do-do do do ♪

♪ do-do dee da ♪

♪ do do do do ♪

That the homeless guy?

No, Stuart, that's
the party planner from 4c.

All right.
[clears throat]

Don't worry, I got this.

Whoa.
That is one large bum.

It's go time, cupcake.

Listen, buddy.

This--uh, this laundry room
is for tenants only,

So I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Now, we can do this
the hard way

Or we can do it
the easy way,

And I, for one,
am praying for the easy way.

I didn't mean to
upset anyone.

I'll get out of here
right away.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to be such a bully.

You know what?
Take your time.

And finish that spin cycle,

Or you'll never
get the wrinkles out.

What are you doing, Stuart?

I'm showing something
called compassion.

By the way, sir,
I didn't catch your name.

My name's bob.

Hi, bob. I'm Stuart.

This is holly.
We live here in this building.

Why don't you
just tell him I live alone?

Oh, great.
Now I just told him.

Just stop overreacting,
okay?

He's not a threat.
[scoffs]

Uh, here you go, bob.

20 bucks?
Thanks.

Why don't you
just open him up a 401k?

Listen, stranger.

Just finish
with your business,

And then you'd
best be moving on.

When did I turn into
the sheriff of tombstone?

Hey!

What are you doing
barging in here?

Can't you see I want
to be alone with my lady?

Sorry. Sorry.

Didn't realize
you were on a date.

Ah, you're stuck
in here too, huh?

Come on, man.
He's got a lady over.

All right, look.

I'm a pretty
open-minded guy, okay?

Man and woman.
Woman and woman.

Man and man.
It's all great.

Man and laptop?

I'm not marching
in that parade.

Oh, God!

No! No! No! No!

Haskell,
is everything okay?

Rebecca's flying
into town tomorrow

And she wants to see me.

Ah, well, it's about time.

What's wrong with that?

I don't think
she would recognize me

From the picture I posted.

What'd you do?

Put up an old picture
of yourself?

No, I put up a new picture...

Of you.

Haskell, why?

Why would you put a picture up

Of me and not yourself?

Well, let's face it.

My male modeling days
are over.

Sure, I might get
some hand and foot work,

But the pretty is gone.

Now we've got a big problem!

What do you mean "we"?

Well, she thinks
I look like you,

Which means you're
gonna have to go on the date

With her and tell her
that you're me.

Even if I agreed to this,

How am I gonna
make it through a date?

You guys know everything
about each other.

I'll teach you.

I'll train you.

I'll become your sensei.

Before I'm done with you,

You will eat, sleep,
and breathe Haskell Lutz.

You trying to talk me
into this or out of it?

Phillip,
I think these got mixed in

With my laundry by mistake.

Um, they're mine.

Ooh.

Perfect, you can wear them
on your date with Rebecca.

You're finally
gonna meet Rebecca?

Uh, Phil is.

Oh, no, Phil's not.

Check out what
this genius did.

He posted my picture
online instead of his,

And now he wants me
to pretend to be him.

Can you believe that?

That's only fair.
What?

You owe him.
Come on.

You think you're
easy to live with?

How many times has this guy
had to deal with angry women

Banging on the door because
you never called them back?

One of them kicked me
in the crotch and said,

"give this to phil."

Fine.

One date. Two drinks.

You're buying.

Oh, thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!

Aww, you guys worked it out.
I'm proud of you.

I'm raisin' me
some fine boys here.

Now I'm talking
like a widowed rancher.

Okay, Haskell Lutz
pop quiz.

Rebecca and I share
a common passion, which is?

A love of astronomy.
I always wanted to be?

An astronaut?
Because?

At a young age,
you realized you loved space

And had a gift
for sitting on your ass

For enormous periods of time.

Ahh.

I had the right stuff.

Just too much of it.

And Rebecca?

She smells.
No!

She's a perfumist.
Oh, right. Right.

She creates scents.

Which reminds me.

Hey! Hey!

It's the scent that Rebecca
blended especially for me.

"summer Lutz."

Oh, well,
I smelled Lutz last summer.

It didn't smell
anything like that.

Hey--ooh, nice-lookin',
phil.

Yeah.
But no Phil here.

For the next two hours,
I'm Haskell Lutz.

You sure you can
pull this off?

B.S.-Ing a woman and then
sending her on her way?

Yeah, you're good to go.

Stuart!

Are you happy?

You fed the cat,
and it came back.

Homeless bob is down
in the laundry room again.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Because the stains
on his clothes are one thing,

But there's no detergent strong
enough to remove the stains

Society puts on a man's soul.

Wow.

I can't remember
the last time someone

So completely wasted my time.

Go toss him!

[gasps] Haskell!

Rebecca!
Rebecca.

The perfumist from Seattle.

[clears throat]
okay.

[nervous laugh]

I have to admit
I'm a little nervous.

I was afraid that
when we met in person

It wouldn't be as special
as what we have online.

The, uh, chemistry
wouldn't be there.

Oh, but it is.
[both laugh]

Yeah.

The chemistry is happening.

The atoms are mixing.

We got it going on.

[laughs]

It's funny, Haskell.

You imagine how someone's
gonna sound in person,

And you're not it.

Oh, well,
that's because, Rebecca,

I'm also nervous.

As a matter of fact,
I'm as nervous

As that time in high school
when I was a drum major

And I accidentally led the
marching band onto the freeway.

Which was
a blessing in disguise,

Because if you hadn't
gotten kicked out of band,

You would have never
joined the diving team.

Haskell was a diver?

[confused]
led your team to state.

Shut up!

Haskell, I'm getting
a weird feeling.

Something doesn't feel right.

No, wait, no.

Look, Rebecca,
can I be honest with you?

Yeah.

Okay.
Okay.

Being here with you,

Seeing you for the first time,

I'm forgetting who I am.

[chuckles]
yeah.

But sitting here with you,

Holding your hands
and looking into your eyes,

I know this is right.

That is the sweetest thing
you've ever said to me,

Haskell rascal.

I don't know about you,

But this rascal
could use a drink.

Let's order our favorites.

Okay.
Okay.

Um...You know what?

Why don't you order it?

All right.

Two virgin lavender
lilac martinis, please!

Flowers and no alcohol.

Let's get this party started!

Hi, holly.
Oh! Jeez--

Stuart, you scared
the crap out of me.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

What are you doing here?

How did you even get in?

Oh, I used
that emergency key you gave us.

Stuart, that key
is only to be used

If you haven't heard
from me in a couple days

And there's a horrific smell
coming from underneath my door.

Well, trust me,
I had a very good reason.

[water running]

Is that my shower?

Stuart, who's in my shower?

Well, you see,
Phil was tying up the bathroom

Getting ready for his date.

Oh, my god.
Haskell's in my shower?

No. No. No.

Of course not.

Homeless bob is.

What is he doing
in my shower?

Holly, I went downstairs
to kick him out,

We started talking.

You know, he got laid off,
his wife left him,

He lost his money, he--
look, he just--

He just needs a little help
to get back on his feet.

I want him
out of here, Stuart,

And I want him
out of here now.

Hello.

Hello yourself.

I hope I'm not imposing,
okay?

I'll just--
I'll just go get dressed.

No hurry.
No hurry at all.

Um, here you go, bob.

Actually, I-I bought you
some new clothes.

I hope they're the right size.

Yeah, size big.

Thanks, Stuart.

You know, this is gonna help me
get my life back on track.

Step one is looking good.

Big ol' check on step one.

Anyways, thank you
both for your kindness.

I meant what I said
about a new start.

I'm not gonna disappoint you.

Oh, god bless you, bob.

I mean, look at you.
You're out there.

You're starting a new life

And keeping in terrific shape.

You are a very caring woman.
Oh.

You know, I don't mean
to be forward, but I'm gonna be

At that bar downstairs later,

And I would love
to buy you a drink.

Well, why don't you
wear what you have on

So I'll recognize you?

Finally, you're back!

You were a diver?
[laughs]

Forget about that.
Tell me about Rebecca.

What was she like?
What did you talk about?

What kind of scent
did she wear?

[sniffs] oh, my god.

Roses and hibiscus.

Stop sniffing me.

But the most important thing

Is she believed you, right?

Oh, absolutely, man.

She's on her way back
to the airport right now.

In a couple of hours,
you can go back

To feeling up your laptop.

[sighs]

That's all I ask.

[doorbell]

Hi, is Haskell here?

[knock at door]

[groan]

I'm sorry, but Haskell Lutz
does live here, right?

Yes.

Yes, he does.

Haskell.
He live here.

Can I come in?

Of course!

Come in, Rebecca.

How do you know my name?

I...Know everything
about you.

Haskell! He-he talks
about you all the time.

I'm, uh--
I'm Phil,

His handsome, devil may care,
bed-hopping roommate.

So, uh, Phil, could you,

Uh, get Haskell for me?

Of course!
Yes, uh, Haskell!

You've got company!

What?
Man, I'm in the middle of--

Ha-ha-ha!
Hey!

Rebecca!

I put you in a cab.
Why aren't you in a cab?

I booked a later flight.

I realized I wasn't
ready to leave

After we kissed good-bye.

Kiss?

There was a kiss?

Uh, Phil,
can I see you in the kitchen?

Oh, hey.
You must be Rebecca.

Yes, and I'm Haskell.

I'm phil.

Am I still Stuart?

Of course you are.

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

Okay, first,
you need to calm down.

It's all your fault.

I never said to kiss her!

What sweet nectar of the gods
did her lips taste like?

[groans]

Oh, forget it!

I don't want to know.

Just being near that woman
is exquisite torture.

All right,
I'm gonna take care of this.

Haskell rascal
is gonna make sure

That Rebecca
gets back in that cab.

She used my nickname?

She is my love, my life,
my everything.

Now get her
the hell out of here.

Hi, hi.
Hi, Eden.

Uh, holly?

Why are you wearing
a party-till-you-drop top

With I've-given-up-hope
sweatpants?

Because there's
this really gorgeous guy

Waiting for me
in the bar downstairs,

But I'm having
second thoughts.

About what?
Which part to jump first?

I'm sorry,
I'm not getting the problem.

Well, you see,
he's kind of the outdoorsy type.

H-he moves around a lot.

Okay.
He's homeless.

Well, what?
Does he smell?

Is he missing any teeth?

Are his best friends
not really there?

No.

Then what are you
waiting for?

You need to pounce on that.

It's just that I'm torn.

I mean, I've always had
this image of the kind of guy

I should be with,
and I-I don't ask for much,

But a roof would be nice.

Holly, listen to me.

You're a single woman
living in new York

Who has the inside track
on a hot, available guy.

I think it was a huge mistake
you even told me.

You know, you're right.

Guys who live indoors
haven't worked out so well.

Maybe it's time
to widen the net.

I'm gonna go for it!
Oh, yeah, you are!

Wait till everyone
at the office finds out

Your drought's finally over.

I'm so happy,
I don't even care

If I lose the pool.

So this is the computer
where all the magic happens.

The typing,
the lols, the omgs.

You know,
where we get online funky.

We don't need
a computer, Haskell.

I'm right here.
Right next to you.

Hello.

Hello back.

Smiley wink.

[laughs]

I love how
you're shy, Haskell.

To tell you the truth,

It brings out
the bad girl in me.

[phone rings]

Slowly move away
from the woman on the couch.

I'm trying, man.

Haskell,
we're finally together.

You and me.

This moment has been building up
inside of me for months.

The wanting, the needing,

The having to
have you take me.

Take me now.

You got it, baby.

You son of a bitch!

What the hell's
going on here?

I'll you what's going on.

That man is an impostor.

He is not Haskell Lutz!

Are you crazy,
of course he is!

Yeah, are you crazy?
Of course I am!

Oh, really?

Does he know that your favorite
poem is ode to a nightingale,

Which happens to be
your favorite bird?

Does he know that--that you cry
when you watch comedies?

That your favorite aunt has
a fruit farm outside Spokane,

Where your father
proposed to your mother

Under the watchful eye of
a three-legged dog named Scotty?

No, of course he doesn't.

And you know why?

Because he isn't Haskell Lutz.

I am.

Oh, my god,
you are Haskell.

Yes. It's me.

I don't know
what kind of sick game

You two are playing,

But I am out of here.

Wow.

So how'd Scotty
lose his leg?

Oh, bob!

Thank god you're still here.

I'm sorry I was late.

I was just having
these silly little thoughts

Because of you being,
you know,

Roof-challenged.

But then I just thought,
you know, why not

Just give the guy a chance

And look past all that?

So here I am.

You know, I'm sorry, holly.

I-I met somebody else.

Wha--

When?

While I was waiting for you.

But it was only 20 minutes!

Eden was right.
I had the inside track.

I should have pounced!
I should have pounced!

Look, holly,
you're a great girl, okay?

I got some friends
I can introduce you to.

My buddy, scratch, is single.

Please,
I'm not that desperate.

Have him stop
by the laundry room.

Hi, Rebecca?

You again?

Just give me a minute,
and then I'll walk away.

Okay.

Rebecca,

I am so sorry
about what happened.

About deceiving you.

It's just that
the relationship we had

Was so special to me

That I was afraid to lose it.

It was special to me too.

Haskell, the man I met online

Was a sweet, sensitive,
smart, wonderful man.

I am!
I'm that guy.

I'm sorry, but you lied about
who you were for five months.

I don't know how
I could ever trust you again.

I just wish you would have
believed in yourself.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying that
if I used my own picture,

You and I would have happened?

Well, now we'll never know.

I'm sorry, man.

Yep. I'm sorry too.

You're not the only one
who had a bad night.

Holly got dumped
by homeless bob.

I should have pounced.

I should have pounced!