The Exes (2011–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Little Romance - full transcript

Are you sure this jockey's
looking for a new agent?

Yeah... look, man,

I'll do anything to sign him.

I don't care what it takes.

I used to have pride.

Now I have alimony.

Good morning, Phil.

Perfect. Get back to me.

Hey, Stuart.
What's up?

Oh, God, I had this weird dream

about my ex-wife last night,
and I was thinking...



No, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

You see, I ask you,
"what's up?"

And you say,
"nothing much."

And then we read.

Knock, knock, knock.

- Come insky.
- Oof!

It's fine, Haskell.

We got this.

Don't get up.

Don't worry, I wasn't.

I was just shifting cheeks.

Ugh. Okay,
I'm gonna go wash up.

I've never gotten
my hands so dirty



having so little fun.

Stuart, this box got delivered
to my apartment by mistake.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

It's from my ex-wife, Lorna.

I wonder what she sent.

Well, unless she could fit
a car

and half a house in there,

you still got screwed
in the divorce.

Um, it... isn't that bad,
coming from my divorce attorney?

You're the one
who kept throwing around

the word "amicable."

I mean, who shows up
at a settlement hearing

with a muffin basket?

Hey, hey, hey.
They were day-old.

I think she got the message.

Oh, oh, look!

She sent me
our clock collection.

We bought them on our travels,

said they would remind us
of the times in our lives.

[Chuckles]

Clock.

Times.

I get it.

You two are lame.

Stuart, sweetie,
do you really think it's wise

to have all this stuff around
while you're trying

to move on with your life?

No, I know.
Pffft.

I'm gonna sell 'em.
You know.

[Chuckling]
Just a bunch of stupid clocks.

Stop petting it.

Yeah!

I am this close to signing
my first jockey.

- All right!
- Yeah.

He'd be my biggest client.

And yes, I get the irony.

Congratulations.

Way to go, Phil.

Now all I gotta do
is close the deal.

Ah, just buy him
a little drink.

A little small talk,
a little dinner.

You know, 'cause he's little.

Phil, you are
an experienced agent.

You know what it takes
to land a client.

Exactly. I need to hook him up
with a hottie.

I guess the high road
is closed for repairs.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just a little eye candy
to keep the meeting fun.

Now all I have to do
is find the perfect woman

for a jockey.

- What?
- 'Sup, Eden?

No, no, no, no, no.

You are not pimping out
my assistant

to land a client.

- Yeah! Pffft!
- Ugh.

But who are we talking about?

Robbie Gordon, the jockey.

Oh, yeah.
He's cute.

He's rich.
He's famous. I'm in.

Perfect.

Meet us downstairs
at the bar tonight after work.

Slow down, everyone.

I am going to come along
to make sure

that no one
gets taken advantage of.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, sweetie,
I'm talking about the jockey.

[Upbeat music]

[Humming]
[Door clicks open]

Hey, look at that.

You put them all out.

And you would think
that 12 antique clocks

in one room would be too much.

Well, just goes to show,
you can't have too many clocks.

Why are there price tags
on them?

Because you can have
too many clocks.

You're selling this crap online.

Agh, I don't know, Haskell.

They're not just clocks.
They're memories.

My friend,
whereas these little tchotchkes

symbolized the love
you shared with your wife,

now they are just the carcasses
of a dead marriage.

You need to get rid
of this stuff

and use the proceeds to fund
an exciting new life...

Minus my 20% commission
for sales and handling.

You know what?

You know what?
Maybe you're right.

I mean, Lorna didn't want them.
Why should I?

Why should you?

She took our best memories

and stuffed them into a box
like they meant nothing.

Nothing.

Why shouldn't I make
some money off of it?

Make some money.

All right, let's do this!

All right.

You already did it, didn't you?

I'm telling you, Robbie,
you sign with me,

I'm gonna take you
beyond the track.

I'm talking book deals,

commercials, endorsements.

Phil, you're a nice guy.

But you're giving me
the same speech

I get from every agent.

Tell me something I don't know.

Impress me.

[Footsteps approach]

Who is that?

It's a friend I thought I'd
introduce you to.

Okay, well, I'm impressed.

I gotta hand it to you, man.

You obviously know my type.

She is really hot.

I'm assuming
the little one is yours.

Huh?

Oh, hey.
Eden, Holly.

I'd like to introduce you
to the world-famous jockey,

[Imitating announcer]
Robbie Gordooon!

Hi, so nice to meet you.

I saw you win
the Kentucky derby.

Oh, yeah, that's a great story.

Why don't you tell it
over here?

And, Holly, why don't you sit
next to Robbie?

Why?

So you can get to know
each other.

Why?

Because life's an adventure
about meeting new people.

Now, sit.

Oh, all right.

Can I get you ladies a drink?

How about you, gorgeous?

Oh, uh, red wine.
Anything Italian.

And you?

Shot of stoli with a beer back.

Holly, you consider yourself
an open person, right?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, you don't judge people
by physical appearance.

Of course not.
I'd never be that superficial.

Good, because he wants you.

Who, the little guy?

Come on.

Have you been out of the game
that long?

Short stack's all over you.

I guess I'm flattered

in a gulliver's travels
kind of way.

But forget it.

I'm not jockey bait.

Look, Holly,
my office is like a shark tank.

All these young agents
are nipping at my heels.

I need to sign this guy.

Yeah, but, Phil,
you cannot just swap out

one woman for another.

I mean, what about Eden?

How do you think she'd feel?

Eden?

I think she's fine.

Of course she is.

She doesn't have to entertain
the mayor of tiny town.

Holly.

[Silent]

Oh, all right.
One drink.

But you stay here
the whole time.

- I'm not going anywhere.
- All right.

Okay, so here's the game plan.

We have a quick drink here.

Then we cab it across town

to my favorite place
for dinner.

- Dinner?
- Oh, that sounds great.

Uh, actually, Phil,
I got it from here.

Oh, okay.
I'll see y'all later.

Good evening, Mr. Gordon.

Always a pleasure.

This way.

Oh, thank you.

Your waiter will be with you
in a moment.

Would you care to see
the wine list

while you wait,
Mr. Gordon?

No need.

Can you bring us a bottle
of the Terrabianca Campaccio?

The 2001.

If that wine is okay with you?

Big words.
Not this year.

Let's drink it.

Excellent.

And would you like an appetizer
while you wait?

Oh, yeah,
I'll have the shrimp cocktail.

You know, I'll just have
some water, please.

You know,
I discovered this wine

on my last trip to Tuscany.

I liked it so much
that I bought a villa there.

I have a timeshare in naples...

Florida.

Yours is better.

You know, if you'd like,

I can just order a case of wine

and sit on the box.

I'm sorry.

But come on, you have to admit

we do make an unusual pair.

Yeah, but that
shouldn't stop us

from getting to know
each other.

Of course it shouldn't.
I mean...

all right, well,
what made you decide

to become a jockey?

Well, my father worked
on a horse farm.

Oh.

Been riding since I was two.

You know, the truth is,

sometimes I'm more comfortable
around horses than people.

They don't judge.

I know exactly what you mean.

The library was my escape
growing up.

Which you need
when you're 5'10"

at 12 years old.

Kids are so kind at that age.

"Hey, gigantor,
if we let you go,

will you promise
to spare the town?"

Yeah, well, at least it wasn't,

"Hey, Robbie,
I want a bike for Christmas.

Can you give Santa
the message?"

Oh, that's terrible!

I know, but don't worry.

I stood up for myself.

Never gave Santa the message.

And I crushed that town.

Uh, look,
somebody's got a question

about your Moroccan
mantle clock.

Oh, oh, oh.
May I respond?

Yeah.

[Clears throat]

"My ex-wife, Lorna,
and I...

"Were honeymooning
in Casablanca

when we bought this
at a local bazaar."

"Then we retired to our room,

where we finally achieved
simultaneous orgasm."

Gght!

All they were asking
is if it came

with a windup key.

Holly back?

I haven't heard her.

She still out with your jockey?

He's not my jockey yet.

What's taking so long?

Well, isn't that a good sign?

I mean, the longer they're out,

it means they're having fun,
right?

Or the little guy
drank too much,

and she's carrying him back
to middle earth.

[Footsteps approach]

[Laughing]

Well, this is my place, so...

I guess we're at that awkward
point in the evening.

The goodnight.
Uh, yeah.

Well, listen, no pressure,
but if you're free tomorrow...

I'd love to.

Was that too eager?

Ask me again.

- Would you go...
- What time?

Damn.

I gotta work on that.

Well, good... goodnight.

Oh, shoot.

'Night.

Nighty-night.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Phil.

[Screams]

Hey! Robbie.

I got your call.
Is there a problem?

[Sighs]
Phil...

This is the toughest part
of the business.

You know, telling agents that
you're not gonna go with them.

So as my new agent,
you're gonna do it for me.

Really?

Congratulations.

Ha! Robbie!

[Laughing wildly]

I'll never do that again.

Hey, man, you and I,

we're gonna make
a lot of money together.

Oh, you've already
come through for me with Holly.

Yeah, she's great, isn't she?

Oh, she's perfect.

And once I close,
I'll be setting a new record.

My first six-footer.

What?

Oh, it's a little game

that me and the other
jockeys play.

You know, who can nail
the tallest chick.

Holly is gonna put me
at the top of the leader board.

Thanks, buddy.

[Silent]

Hey, Phil.
What's up?

Once again,
Edna437 is the high bidder.

Looks like grandma found
the credit card.

Hey.

What do you know?

Edna has a little competition.

Clocklover just went up
to $275.

Oh, I love it
when the bidding heats up.

It's better than sex.

Plus, nobody cries after.

[Sighs]

Oh, I gotta stretch my legs.

Oh, God.

How do you sit on that couch
for so long?

The lutzes
are a sedentary people.

I was nine before I saw
my grandfather stand.

My login...

Edna437.

Enter bid.

$300.

Done.

Hey, Stuart.
What's up?

Not much.

Isn't that, uh,
isn't that the way you want it?

Uh, you say, "what's up?"
I say, "not much."

And then we read.

Aren't you gonna ask me
what's up?

Oh, uh, all right.

Uh, what's up, Phil?

I signed the jockey.

Hey, congratulations!

Yeah, I feel great about it.

Why are you looking at me
like something's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

Here's the deal.

I just found out
that our jockey kinda has

this little contest

about who can sleep
with the tallest woman

with his other
little jockey buddies.

That's the only reason
he's seeing Holly.

See? I knew you'd get all up
in my face about this, man.

Look, she's having a good time.

He's having a good time.

Everyone walks away
having a good time.

It's not like
she's in love with the guy.

Stuart, don't give me that

"who are you trying
to convince" look.

See, this is why we never talk.

'Cause you don't know
when to shut up!

I can't sit on this couch
one more minute.

I'm going to my bedroom
and sit down.

[Knock at door]

Come in.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How do you like my...
my new dress?

I bought it for my date
with Robbie tonight.

Tonight?
He's coming over tonight?

Yeah. If he plays
his cards right,

he might end up
in the winner's circle.

Okay, but the important
thing is,

you're having fun
in a nothing-serious,

everyone-walks-away,
friends kinda way, right?

Actually, I don't know
how quick

I'm gonna be walking away
from this one.

I mean, I've had the best time
the last few days.

And you know how
I've kind of been

a little gun-shy about dating
ever since the engagement

blew up in my face, so...

But Robbie's just...

he's kind of renewed my faith
in men.

And I have you to thank, Phil.

So thank you so much.

Bye.

Would you get off my back?!

Oh, it's an amazing feeling.

Oh.

You're on top of this
graceful thoroughbred,

the blood coursing
through your body

as you ride her
into the stretch,

gently stroking her
to the finish.

And if you know
what you're doing,

you can control her
with the slightest touch

of your hand.

You sound like
a really good rider.

[Knock at door]

Go away!

[Knocking continues]

Excuse me.

[Clears throat]

What?

Is this a bad time?

Oh, it's the worst.

Okay, well, I won't be long.

I just need
a little Robbie time.

Oh, so do I.

I need it way more than you do.

Hey, Phil.

What's going on?
We're kinda busy here.

Hey, Robbie.
How you doing, man?

I just got some business
I need to discuss with you.

Alone.

That's fine.
Take all the time you need.

[Silent]

So what's going on, Phil?

I mean, what do you got for me
that's better

than what she's got for me?

Okay, here's the deal.

You know that game that you
and your jockey buddies play

about who could sleep
with the tallest woman?

Holly really likes you.

And I don't want to see her
get hurt.

She's a good friend of mine,

so I kinda need you
not to do this.

Yeah, well, you kinda have
our relationship backwards.

You don't tell me what to do.

I tell you.

So let's practice.

I tell you, "get out,"

and you leave.

Knock, knock.

Is it okay to come back in?

Oh, it's all clear.

I think our business is done,
right, Phil?

Great.
Well, Robbie, listen.

Why don't you take the wine
and go into the bedroom?

Make yourself comfortable,
and I'll join you in one sec.

Sounds good.

Okay.

- Holly, I need to talk to you.
- It's gonna have to wait.

And you're gonna have to let
yourself out, sweetie.

- Okay, it can't wait.
- You don't understand.

I have a gentleman
in my boudoir,

and I'm about to show him
some moves

that are gonna rock his world.

Hey!

Hey, hey! What...

what the hell are you doing?!

I have a confession to make.

I heard every little word

that came out
of your little mouth.

That's right, I said little.

Little, little, little!

Little!

Now go!

What am I supposed to do
about clothes?

Annnnd they're off!

That could've gone better.

Holly, you gotta believe me.

I had no idea he was like that.

That makes two of us.

Oh, God, how could I have been
so stupid?

You weren't stupid.

You were...

Hopeful.

Holly, you can't let that guy

make you lose your faith
in men.

There's still some good guys
out there.

I know.

You.

Thanks for coming to my rescue.

Pretty weird contest
that little dude was into, huh?

Yeah, that's some sick stuff.

Although he would've been
my shortest.

Hey, you're back
from the post office so soon?

Yep.

Clocks are all shipped.

Hm-hm, gone to Edna.

Huh. Yeah, we did good.

We made a good team, buddy.

Yep, great team.

Oh.

Yeah, you got rid
of all the clocks.

Stuart.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, well, you know,
when it's time to move on,

it's time.

[Cuckoo]

What was that noise?

What clock?
I didn't hear anything.

No, I didn't say clock.
I said noise.

You said clock.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

You said clock.

Well, what's the difference
who said what?

The important thing is
we're here.

We're together.

And every day brings us
closer to a cure.

[Cuckoo]

They're in there!

They're all in there!

You didn't ship one clock.

You know what this is gonna do
to my seller's rating?

Not to mention
ripping off Edna.

Oh, you idiot.
He is Edna.

He's obviously been buying back
his own clocks.

Okay, all right, all right.
Yes.

I-I bought them all back,
okay?

I thought I could sell them,
but I couldn't.

Those clocks are all
I have left

of my life with Lorna.

If I sold them, it would be like
my marriage never existed.

Why didn't you just tell us
how you felt?

Because I'm the new guy.

I don't want
to let you guys down.

And... and, you know,
I wanted to prove

that I-I was strong enough
and tough enough

to be my own man.

So you named yourself Edna?

Stuart, you didn't let
any of us down.

You let me down.

I let you into my life.

We sat side by side
on that couch for days,

and the whole time
you were betraying me.

Here's 50 bucks.

- Okay, we're good.
- Yeah.

I don't know about you,

but I could use a little drink.

- Don't say little.
- Oh.