The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 28 - Faking the Grade/Eco Kuzco - full transcript

Even in a class quiz solely about himself, Kuzco is beaten abysmally. Yet he has an all-AAs report card, which Pasha rewards with a celebratory family dinner. Guaca declines joining because he switched Kuzco's abysmal report with Chacha's. The conscience crisis proves contagious. [II- Eco Kuzco] Unable to tell what loads of old elixirs do, Yzma decides to dump them. Kronk feels guilty when he find out they polluted the public drinking fountain, against his boyscout pledge, and thus caused many people to be transformed into animals.

The following episode
is rated A-plus

by the Kuzco Show
Association of Kuzconia.

Wow. A-plus!

That's almost as good as
an A! Maybe next time.

Now, for some
grade-A theme music!

(♪ "Emperor's New School"

♪ He's on his way
to the throne

♪ He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school,
he's got to ace that test

♪ He's an emperor-to-be,
and he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

Let's go.

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
♪ Kuzco Academy

♪ He's got to learn
his ABCs

♪ They'll try to stop him,
to top him

To destroy him, right?

♪ K-U-Z-C-O

♪ Kuzco, Kuzco,
go, go

♪ He's got the cool, he's got
the charm and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him

♪ Read the thing called books
Let's go.

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
Come on, dude.

♪ He's got to fulfill
his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil

Friends? I thought this
was all about me.

Spell my name again.

♪ K-U-Z-C-O

♪ Kuzco, Kuzco,
go, go ♪

Today is report card day,

and while I'm certain
you're all looking forward to

receiving your grades
in Kuzconomy,

Kuzcomatics and Kuzchemistry,

what do you say we
review with a pop quiz?!



Hello, Kuzco fans! I hope you're
having a great second period!

Now it's time to play
"Who Knows Kuzco?"

Yay! A me game show!

Right answers get you this...
(bell dings)

Wrong answers get you this...
(sour note)

And the contestant with the most
points at the end of the game
wins a million more points!

Now, let's meet our
returning champion.

She likes studying, taking
tests and earning extra credit!

Meet Chaka!

Ha! Like Chaca knows me
more than me. I've lived me.

Uh, I'll take her on!

The Kuzconian empire extends

from the Sea of Kuzco to...

The "As Far As
the Eye Can See" Sea!
(sour note)

As far as the sun sets.
(bell dings)

How many Kuzcos does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

None, because light bulbs
haven't been invented.
(sour note)

None, because
Kuzco's too lazy.
(bell dings)

Finish this sentence:
"Kuzco blanks."

(sour note)

Only thinks of himself.
(bell dings)

That's not true.
(sour note)

OK, it is true.
(bell dings)

Hey! I got one right!

Running away!
(bell dings)

Blame someone else!
(bell dings)

Return it used!
(bell dings)

Cactus-mango pizzazzle!
(bell dings)

That's not
my favorite smoothie.
(sour note)

Oh. Right, yeah. It is.
(bell dings)

And now, the final question.

For one-hundred
million points...

How do you spell "Kuzco"?

(sour note)

(bell dings)


Come on, that's not fair.
It sounds all... "s"-y.

Congratulations, cute
little piggie-tailed girl,

on being smarter than Kuzco!

Uh, just because she's
smarter than me doesn't
mean she's smarter than me.

(Pacha) Oh,
report card time already?

Kuzco wanted to
open 'em at school,

but I told him to wait
till we got home so we could

see your reaction.
Well, let's
take a look.

Remember Daddy, if anybody
gets straight A's,

they get a Mudka's Mammoth Meat
Mug Chug-a-Rama Jamboree, right?

Straight A's
always get a reward.

OK, I want to point out here,
there are other kinds of smart
besides "report card smart."

There's "make up
your own answers" smart.

And "looks good in
an emperor crown" smart.

Well, if you're worried
about your grades, Kuzco,

you could try, oh,
I don't know... studying?

Yeah. Maybe if you studied
harder, you'd get grades like...

All D's?!

Straight A's?!

Boom-bam, baby!

You know what this means, don't
you? I'm smarter than Chaca!

I thought you said there are
other kinds of smart besides
"report card smart."

Yea, that's something
a stupid person would say.

And these grades
prove I'm smart -

as in Smart Fu, master
of the "smartial" arts.

If I were from outer space,
I'd be a "Smartian."

Gimme an "S." "S!"
Gimme a...

How do you spell "smart?"

Kuzco's report card rules!

Yep, a great report card is
what happens when you're great.

This is impossible.
Grades don't lie, Maline.

Oh, I'm sorry, is your name
missing an "A"? Take one of
mine! I have plenty!

Kuzco got all A's?!

How did this happen?!
Am I a complete failure?

No, no, no,
of course not, no.


I've got a plan to ruin
Kuzco's grades for good.

It's brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant!

What do ya think?
Yeah, uh, you, uh...

skipped the plan. You went
right to the brilliant thing.

What happened to
the funny goggle stuff?

I don't need to do that,
because I bought these!

Fantastical Flipper-Snappers!
(wicked laugh)

That sounds made up.
They reverse things.

I can flip Kuzco's A's
into F's. He'll fail school
and I'll be Empress!

I still miss
the goggle stuff.

These are better. Watch!

I don't get it.
The water's flowing
backwards -

up instead of down!

Really? Hard to tell.

Aah. Watch this!

Did, uh, something happen?
The squares flipped!

They did? I don't see it.
Those things don't really
snapper flip, do they?


I get it now. We were on
the floor, and now we're
on the ceiling.

Uhhh... How do
we get down?

...and it's because of
trigonomic turbo-molecular

that turtles can
breathe underwater.

A-plus! Kuzco rules!

Kuzco, don't turtles
breathe air?

a common misconception.

No. Turtles returned to
the water 50 million years ago,

when the world was
a big ball of fire.

Yeah. If the world was
a big ball of fire,
where'd they find the water?

Come on. I can't do
all the work for you.

This large brain represents
my brain. And this peanut

the little tiny brain of
a teacher we will refer to
from now on as Mr. "M."

Kuzco, what are
you doing in here?

You were moved
to S.D. class.


Even I'm not
in the S.D. class!

No, no, no, no. Me no takey
Square Dance class.
That's for... squares.

It's the Smart Development
class, Kuzco.

Which you would know if you
actually belonged there.

All I need to know is
it's for smart people.

So long, dummies.

fellow smartonians.
Oh, welcome, Kuzco.

I'd like to present you
with your honorary
Smart Person Sweater Vest!

Yay! Free stuff.

Shall we show Kuzco how to play
"Calculate or Crocodile?"

(overlapping "Yeah!" and walla)

Uhhh... how's this
work again?

I ask you mathematical
questions, and each time you get
one wrong, I pull this lever,

bringing you a little
closer to Socrates.


Settle down, class.

Let us not forget
what happened to Koley.


Bring it on.
First question.

Yes. If Llama A leaves
the palace at dawn carrying
a load of sweet potatoes

and travels 15 kuzcometers per
hour, and Llama B leaves the
Temple of Tiahuanaco at noon

and travels three times as fast,
what time do they meet?

Never, because
I had Llama A arrested

for leaving the palace with
my sweet potatoes. The thief!


Crocodile! Crocodile! Crocodile!

Do you have any questions
that are a little less... mathy?

I found a balloon up here
from your 125th birthday party.

25th. 25th!

Riiiight. You figure
out how to get us down?

I'm on hold with
Customer Service.
(voice over phone)

Hello? Yes, I'm still here.
Expiration date? Let me see...

(glass breaks)

Maybe there's an address
we can write to...



Hey, Kuzco. How was class?

After calculate or crocodile, we
played chemistry or crush you.

I don't remember
anything after that.

It's so great to see you with
the smart kids where you belong.

You know, Guaka, I'm beginning
to wonder if I actually deserve
those A's.

Of course you do, sir.

That's why I switchy-switchied
your name with somebody else's
report card.

What?! Why'd you do that?!

Hey, Guaka, now that you
volunteer in the school office,

why don't you just
switchy-switchy my name

with someone who
gets straight A's?

Yeah, but after that I told you
I was totally kidding. Remember?

I'm on it, sir.

I'm gonna get straight A's.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'm gonna get straight A's.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh. Right.

I guess I should
talk to Chaca.


This is embarrassing.

Oh, at last.
Back to normal!

(Yzma's voice)No!

(Kronk's voice)Aaah!
Fix it! I'm hideous!

(Yzma's voice)You have
the Flipper-Snappers!
(Kronk's voice)The last one.

There's just one left!
This better work!

Wait! We must save the last one
to flip Kuzco's grades
from A's to F's.

Take that, Flipper-Snapper,
and find Kuzco!

Yeah, right. But first I'm
changing out of these shoes.

Wait. If you go,
you'll be taking my body.

I'm not happy about it either.

We'll both go!
Fine. But I'm still
changing shoes.

Like I said earlier, straight
A's always gets a reward.

(giggling)Mudka's Mammoth Meat
Mug Chug-a-Rama Jamboree!

♪ Kuzco studied and he got
straight A's, straight A's

♪ Now he gets a mug of meat
and some free mayonnaise -
Hey! ♪

Enjoy it, Kuzco.

Congratulations, Kuzco.
You deserve it.

How am I supposed to enjoy a
mammoth meat mug I don't deserve

with Chaca looking
at me like that?

Guess I'm pretty pathetic, huh?

It really should be her mug
of salty, fatty meat.

They were her A's.
I should tell her.

She deserves to know the truth.

Guys, before I dig in,
there's something I need to say.

Straight-A students first!

Want some, Guaka?

I don't deserve any. Not after
what I did to make this happen.

Whatever. Ha-ha!
Suit yourself, more for me.

Hey, I couldn't tell the truth
on an empty stomach.

Alrighty. Alrighty,
on with the truth!

Are you saying
those A's were mine?!

Yeah. Guess I'm only "looks good
in an emperor crown" smart.

With a little studying, you'll
do better next time, Kuzco.

Here's your real
report card back.

Thanks for telling me.

I know it was hard for you
to do something nice.

Oh, you're welcome.
And no touchy.

Now, Kronk. Throw
the Flipper-Snapper
at his report card!

I don't have it.

It's in my hand.

Right. It's so confusing.

Well, might as well get used to
my stupid report card full of--

All A's?! Hey-hey!
Whoo-hoo! My favorite!
(Yzma's voice)What?!

♪ Kuzco's dumb but he still got,
straight A's, straight A's

♪ So here's another mug of meat

♪ And more free mayonnaise -
Hey! ♪

(Malina, enthusiastically)
"Tobo breaks Ipi's
winning streak!"

(Malina, sarcastically)

"Tree grows one inch."


"School paper made of paper."


Let's face it. Our past three
issues have been total duds.

But you just said
they were thrilling,
spectacular and duh.

We need a big story, guys!

What about the baby llama
born at the zoo?

Guaka, it's an all-llama zoo!
What else gets born there?

The only way I'm gonna get into
Kuzcollege is if I uncover a
big, juicy, scandalous story.

And I have a feeling
it's right under our nose.

You know, we really should
clean out this lab more often.

It's full of old,
useless stuff.

Like you.
Stop babbling and help me clear
out all these unwanted potions.

I don't even know
what these do.

So, what're we gonna do
with this toxic potion mess?
Dump it in the river.

I hope you just said we're
having "dumplings with liver."

Because even if we are,
that's not nearly as bad as

dumping these harmful
potions in the river.

Is there a problem?

The problem is, lady...
that's polluting.

Need I remind you
I am a Junior Chipmunk.

And Junior Chipmunks
don't pollute.
They... recycle!

♪ Junior Chipmunk,
don't pollute,
put it in the recycle chute

♪ Glass and cans and paper, too

♪ It's all for a clean Peru

♪ Chip-munk, do, dah, do

♪ Chip in! Do, dah, do,
chip-munk, do, dah, do

♪ Put it in the recycle bin! ♪

Kronk, I'm an evil sorceress.
I don't do recycling.

But it's so
convenient and easy.

First, we load the potion
bottles into a llama cart,

haul the cart to
the Royal Recycling bin -

it's just a three-hour drive,
depending on traffic -

then we fill out a receipt,

and mail that in to
the Royal Recycle Record Keeper

with a copy to
the Junior Chipmunk Council.

That's so I can earn
my Recycling Patch.

Once I have that patch,
I'm only one step away from the
ultimate patch: The Patch Patch.

Or... you could just install
your own recycling bin.

Did I say I didn't recycle?
What I meant was, uh-uh...

There's a bin
right over there!


It's so beautiful!

♪ Chipmunk, do, dah, do

♪ Chip in, do, dah, do

Sing with me, Yzma!

♪ Chipmunk, do, dah, do

♪ Chip in, do, dah, do

♪ Put it in the recycle bin! ♪

Despite all those
evil plans and wrinkles,

I knew you could never
let me dump harmful toxic
potions into the river.

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Hey, Malina, why are you
collecting peasant water?

What do you mean, "peasant
water?" You drink this, too.

No, no, no. Me no
drinky that. I drink...

Beverage of Emperors.

Aah! Mm. Refreshing.

Here. Try one.
How much is this gonna cost me?

No charge.
Can I have one, too?

That'll be
3 Kuzcoins.

A small price to pay for
this most handsome label.

Guaka, Guaka, Guaka.
And to think that you're
a Junior Chipmunk.

What do Junior Chipmunks do?

♪ Junior Chipmunks
don't pollute ♪

That's right! They...

♪ Put it in the recycle chute,
glass and cans and paper, too

♪ It's all for
a clean Peru ♪

So, Malina, heard you're
having a tough time
coming up with a story.

Well, actually,
I just--
Boring. All right.

How about an exposé on
the Hundred Hottest Guys
in the Empire?

Numbers one
through 99 are me.

So, who's number 100?
That's Guaka.

Thank you, sir.

(sighs)Later, Kuzco.

What? Like I'd really be
at the bottom of some list?

(squeaky voice)The fountain!
Kuzco, the fountain!

Kuzco, the fountain!
Uh, what's with
the hedgehog?

Beats me. He's been following me
around all day saying
"Kuzco, the mountain."

"Kuzco, the mountain."

(squeaky voice)
The fountain! The fountain!

Funny animal thing.

Kuzco, I think I've
finally got my story.

Cuxi says she saw
Mr. Moleguaco turn into a mole.

Cavo witnessed Coach Suweaty
turn into a sweaty pig.

And Yu and Tu saw Mr. Purutu,
and I quote, "turned into a
parrot who likes windchimes."

I don't know how or why, but
people are turning into animals!

Malina, people don't just turn
into animals. Except for me.

OK. So they do.

(squeaky voice)
The fountain! The fountain!
Quiet, monkey.

Kuzco! The meatmugs!
Everyone in here ate meatmugs,
then turned into animals.

That's gotta be it!

Except you don't
drink meatmugs.

Never have, never will. Although
now that you mention it...

I am craving a juicy
piece of tenderloin.

What's up with that?

It's your mooove.

No, you're hairier.
No, you're hairier.

No, you're hairier.
No, you're hairier.

No, you're hairier.
No, you're hairier.

Cavo want peanut.

Where are you taking me?
You'll see.

(elevator bell dings)

My Emperor Emergency Bunker.

Plan - stay here until
the animal-thingy is over,

then emerge into a brave new
world which we populate with
more you's and me's.

OK, I'm outta here.

Plenty of H-Kuzc-O!

Wait a minute... you and I.
We've only been drinking

The beverage of Emperors!

And Empresses to be.

And we haven't
changed into animals,

but everybody who's been
drinking the village water has.

So that's it! The village water
supply is contaminated!

(gasps)This is the story
I've been waiting for!

What about my plan for
"more you's and me's"?

(gasps)I don't believe it.

What horrible monster would
dump a huge toxic mess into
the fresh and natural river!

As a Junior Chipmunk
applying for the Patch Patch,

it's my duty to catch
the horrible monster.


The secret lab?

But... if... then...

The horrible monster...
it's me!

What if the Junior Chipmunk
Council finds out?

Kronk, you're accused of
disgracing the Junior Chipmunk
Recycling Patch

by dumping toxic potions in the
river. The council finds you...


Kronk, you will never
receive your Patch Patch.


I must expose this. But Yzma
mustn't find out I exposed this.

So I must expose this

while not exposing that I am
the one doing the exposé.

And I must stop
talking to myself.

Don't tell me you're
taking a water sample.

Why do you care?

'Cause I know what's
polluting the water.

That big ugly statue
up there.

Obviously, Haka-Watah
is upset.

Though not with me,
because as you can see,

I am still my
incredibly handsome self.

I am not angry with you, Kuzco!


I cry tears of despair over
the old, wrinkled, ugly one.

She's been making
the great waters run afoul
with the old potions

that turn the thirsty humans
into animals that are
no longer thirsty,

but nevertheless
are still animals.

I knew it. Yzma! Now I just
have to catch her in the act.

Yes, it is Yzma. Not her
well-intentioned man-servant,
Junior Chipmunk Kronk.

True, he dumped the
toxic waste into the river.

But it was an accident.
An accident!


Say Cheese-ma!

(shutter opens and shuts)

Thank you!

By the way, thanks for running
off after the water idol cast
its spell on me.

You fainted.
Yeah, it was a fainting spell.

Kuzco, you do know that was
Kronk hiding in the shadows,

Believe what you want, Malina.
But I plan on staying way clear
of that demon fountain.

Attention, everybody.

After much investigation
and a little help from
a mystery source,

I have finally exposed
the culprit who has been
poisoning our water.

(walla and
"I knew it was her!")

You can read the full story
in the paper.

(low voice)I am so getting
into Kuzcollege now.

What about antidote!

(squeaky voice)
Yeah! To the Secret Lab!

Get her!
This way! Let's go!

Pull the lever, Cavo.

Excuse me, but this is
supposed to be a secret lab?

Well, it's no secret you've been
contaminating the water supply,

and turning everyone
into animals.

Except Kuzco. He doesn't
drink peasant water.

H-Kuzc-O all the way, baby.

So, where's the antidote?

Antidote? What antidote?
I don't have any antidote.

Over here! Over here!

Oh. That antidote.

Nice Patch Patch, Kronk.

Anyone wanna go for a soy
vegan organic dirt smoothie?

The antidote rules!

Kuzco, you want a drink?

No, thanks.
I'm off the water thing.

From now on I'm drinking...


♪ Junior Chipmunk,
don't pollute

♪ Put it in
the recycle chute

♪ Glass and cans
and paper, too ♪

I can't hear you!

♪ It's all for
a clean Peru

♪ Chip-munk
♪ Do, dah, do

♪ Chip in!
♪ Do, dah, do

Sell it, Yzma!

♪ Do, dah, do

♪ Put it in the recycle bin! ♪

That was perfect!

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