The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 29 - Kuzcokazooza/Kuzco's Little Secret - full transcript

Today's episode is so good,

I could just...
(sniffles)...cry

(choking up)It's got
so much me in it.
It's beautiful.

Can we please just
go to theme music?

(♪ "Emperor's New School"
theme)

♪ He's on his way to the throne
He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school
He's got to ace that test!

♪ He's an emperor-to-be
And he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

Exactly!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
♪ Kuzco Academy



♪ He's got to learn his ABCs

♪ They'll try to stop him!
To top him!

To destroy him, right?
Uhhhhhhh...

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go!

♪ He's got the cool,
he's got the charm
and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him read

♪ The thing called books!
♪ Let's go!

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy

♪ Come on, Kuzco!
♪ Got to fulfill his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil!

Friends? I thought
this was all about me.

Ha-ha.
Spell my name again.

♪ K-U-Z-C-O
Kuzco! Kuzco!
Go! Go! ♪



Hey, Malina.

I do not want to
go out with you.

That is not why
I'm talking to you.

I am not asking you
on a date.

OK.

Here's your stupid book
on reverse psychology.

Take it back.

By saying "take it back,"

you really don't want me
to take it back, right?

I do want you
to take it back.

That's why I said,
"Take it back."

Right.

I won't take it back.

(grumbles)

Guaka, you do not want
this book on reverse psychology.

Yes, sir!
I do not want it.

Oh!

Where were we?
You mean, whereweren'twe.

We're not going on a date.

OK. Clearly, that did not
get me a date with Malina.

Better mark it
on the date tally board.

Now, you might think that me
scoring a date with Malina
is hopeless,

but I happened to notice
a poster of me

hanging in her locker.

OK, it's not me.

It's that lame-o
Dirk-o Brock-o
and the Brockers.

What is it with girls
and bands?

And girls wanting
to date guys in bands?

Hmm.

Hey, I've got an idea!

(slurps)

Mmm. Meat mug.

And I've got another idea!
I'm gonna form a band!

(♪ drums)

May I, uh, help you?

Yeah.
Were you recording that?

'Cause I am awesome!
And I'm forming a band.

I don't know which instrument
I should play,

because I'm naturally
talented at everything.

I think I have
the perfect instrument

for your natural talent,
sir.

(♪ kazoo)

Oh, you're right.
This is wicked!

Yeah. Wicked.

Now I just need guitars,
drums, microphones,

leather jackets, a tour bus,
fleet of llamasines

and posters
for people's lockers -
people like Malina -

who are definitely
gonna want to date me now.

Access to royal funds
denied.

Uh-huh.
You know, when I say,

"I want money
to be a rock star
so Malina will date me,"

what I mean is:

"I want to further
my education
by studying music."

Hmm. According
to the royal records,

I can't deny funds
for purposes of education.

Really?
Well, in that case,

there's also
my private jet education,

my private hot-tub education,

my private movie theater
education, my private -

Don't push it.

I'll approve your request as
long as you have a manager.

(baby cries)
Got my manger.

Oh, not a manger, Kuzco.
A manager!

Ohh.

Will this do?
Fine.

It's a good thing I kept
my old Halloween costume.

The year I went as a manager.

All right, now,
here's the royal check...

book.

(♪ rock)

(♪ tribal drumming)

(♪ rock)

(snores)

(♪ heavy metal)

(Kuzco)Let's see.

Leather coat
and microphone, check.

Super-cool tour bus,
double check.

Two extra-long llamasines,
check-check-check.

And a bunch of musical
instrument thingies.

It's official.
I'm a rock star.

Looks like you're only
missing one thing. Uh...

A band.

OK, fellas.
Rehearse time.

Uh-one, uh-two,
uh-one-two-three -

Hold it!

Guys, it's been a great ride,

All we've meant to each other,
we've been like a family.

But eventually,
all families do grow up,
and that's why

Kuzco's going solo, baby!

(gasps)Solo?

I better alert the tabloids
before they get wind of this.

Solo?

Yeah, see,

Malina doesn't wanna
date a whole band,

just the awesomest,
most awesome rock star
in the whole world:

me.

Plus, none of you are
on the posters,

so, hey, I won't have
to make new ones.

OK. Now, who wants
to be my roadie?

Uh, this speaker's
not gonna carry itself.

Coming, sir!

(grunts)

Cavo quit.

Yeah, we're outta here.

Who needs him?

Thank you, fans! Yes!

Welcome to dinner!

It's great
to be here at, uh...

Pacha's Hut, Sir.

Pacha's Hut!
What a great crowd.

(squeal)

We love you, Kuzco!
Ow!

All right. Here's a little
number I like to call

"Hungry Like an Emperor."

(♪ kazoo)

Chicha, gimme some food.

(♪ kazoo)

'Cause I'm one hungry dude.

And make sure that it's good.

Hey, "food" and "good" rhyme,
right?

OK, well.
Good screaming today, girls.

We'll see you bright
and early tomorrow morning.

(Moleguaco)Malina?

Here.
Kuzco?

(♪ disco)

This one goes out
to all those teachers

who like to take attendance.
You know who you are.

It's a little ditty
I call "Here."

(blows kazoo)
Here.

Cue the girls.

(squealing)

Thank you!

Feel free to download
that one off the IncaNet
for a nominal fee.

See you all tonight
at my special 24-hour
music festival,

Kuzcokazooza!

You rock, sir!

(laughter)

Kuzco? A rock star?

When manatees fly!

Cavo stay home.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I would rather cook bat wing
in a canoe than go see Kuzco.

Kronk, I need to talk
to Kuzco.

Sorry, can't let ya.
Why not?

It's my job to keep
the crazed fans at bay.

I'm not a crazed fan.
I just-

Is that one of my crazed fans?
I'll take it, Kronk.

Now, don't be nervous
meeting me.

Rock stars are just
like normal people.

Ha-ha! Gotcha.

We're way better
than normal people.

Kuzco...
Ah-ah-ah-ah.

I already know
why you're here.

You want a date with me.
Who doesn't?

But what I didn't know
is that rock stars are
busy, busy.

So for now, how's about just
an autographed poster? OK?

Kronk?

"To Malina."

Oh, save it.
This is pointless.

"Oh, save it
This is pointless."

"Rock on, Kuzco."

There. You can hang that
in your locker,

over any old Dirk Brock ones
that might already be there.

Now scoochy-scoot along.
See ya at the show.

Hey, yo, Kuzco, Kuzco!
Over here! Over here!

(squeal)

Kuzco's being such a jerk!

Yeah. And all because
he wants you to like him.

What?
Yeah, well, he figures
if he's a rock star,

you'll like him
and go out with him.

Girls like rock stars.

Kronk, Kuzco's not
a real rock star.

Nobody's gonna show up.

Nobody?
Except maybe Guaka.

Nope, he's the roadie.

What am I gonna do?
I gotta fill 15,000 seats!

Hey, where's he going?

He only paid us
for five screams.

I cannot let
this concert happen.

What do you mean,
they're not showing up?

I'm the greatest rock star
in the world.

You saw my screaming fans,
the press,

and my poster's already
in lockers everywhere.

Kuzco, have you fallen
for all this hype?

Kronk set this all up
because that's what
you hired him to do!

And he said the reason
you're doing it... is for me.

Yeah, maybe it started out
that way, but, Malina,

baby, sweetheart,
I'm an icon now.

I've become much bigger
than the two of us.

That's just because you're
wearing those dumb shoes.

By "dumb"
do you mean cool?

(crash)

Kuzco, cancel the show.

I'm telling you,
the place is gonna be empty.

Start the show!
Start the show!

Start the show!
Start the show!

You were saying?
What?

I don't get any of this.

(♪ dramatic intro music)

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for the one, the only...

Dirk Brock!

(cheers and applause)

Thank you, Kuzco fans!
(crowd boos)

What's going on?
Who is that guy?

He's not Dirk Brock.

Dirk Brock? Wha...?

Thank you!

(crowd cheers)
We love you, Dirk!

Yeah, sorry, fan boy,
no time for autographs.

Wait a minute.
You're Dirk Brock!

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

You mind clearing the stage?
I got a little show to do.

Oh, I get it.

You're my opening act!
Of course.

My bad.

Are you ready?

(crowd screams wildly)
Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Come on!

Let's rock!

(crowd cheering)

Hey, thanks
for warming 'em up.

Thank you, Kuzco fans,
(microphone feedback)

and welcome to Kuzcokazooza!

Hello. Hello?

Is this thing working?

(sweeping broom)

W-where'd everyone go?

They didn't even wait
for the real show.

I cannot believe we got to see
a free Dirk Brock concert!

Yeah, it is better
than the lame
"Kuzco with the Kazoo" show.

(laughter)

(Yata)You're telling me!

So, I'm not a... rock star?

Whoo! Kuzco! Yeah!

Huh?

Let's hear that kazoo!

Really? You wanna hear me?

Non-rock star Kuzco?

The never-gonna-be-
a-rock-star Kuzco?

Got-carried-away-by-his-own-
hype-un-rock star Kuzco?

Less talkin',
more rockin'!

Thank you, Kuzco... fan!

Here's a little number
I like to call "Malina."

♪ Malina...

(blows kazoo)

♪ You're a dream-a

♪ Let's go to Lima

♪ And have ice cream-a

(♪ big finish)

Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah! You rock!

Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Thank you!

All right.
That's one song down...

37 more to go.
(♪ kazoo)

(giggles)Great.

(♪ harp)
"Yes, my heart is aflutter

"with love for the butter.. fly.

Butterfly, butterfly..."

Psst.

(Guaka)"Oh, colorful giver,
butterflies o'er the river

"make me croak,
make me quiver,

"from the wax in my ears,

to my heart and my liver -"

Thank you, Guaka, for that -

But I have two more pages
to go.

Sorry, but there's
a 48-page limit,

plus we still have
one poem left.

Hey, Kuzco.
Evil potion?

Turns you
into a blue parrot.
Makes you migrate north.

Then Yzma can take over
the kingdom.

Nah.
OK.

I thought I'd give you
an option to reading your poem.

Kuzco!
Coming, Mother!

My, uh, rhyming thing
is dedicated

to somebody right here
in this class.

Ahem.

"Malina! She's a hottie.
She's so hottie-hot...

(whispers)
"She's hotter than hot."

(giggle)
"She's hot-hot-hot-hot."

Totally.
Oh, Kuzco.

"But she thinks I'm cool.
I'm cooler than cool.

"I'm so cool.

"I'm cooly-cool ice-cube cool.

"Why does she like me?
Let me count the ways.

WhydoI like him?

"Uno:because I'm cool-o.

"Dos:'Cause I'm not gross.

Three: it's all about me."

(school bell rings)

Sometimes he just... Agh!

You know?
He just makes me so mad.

Why do I even like him?

Lina, do you mean
"like-him like-him"?

or just plain "like-him"?
I don't know.

If I had to guess,
I reckon you
"like-him like-him."

But he's self-centered,
selfish, smug

and in love with himself.

Oh, so you don't
"like-him like-him."

What? No, wait!
Kuzco's my friend.

Oh, so you do
"like-him like-him."

Now we just gotta
figure out why.

Why? Because...

well...

Huh. There's gotta
be something...

Guaka!
Are you spying on us?

No! I-I was...

spying on this garbage can.

Yes! This, uh,
golfing thing's easy.

I'm worried
about Malina, sir.

Worried she's too in love
with me after my rhyming thing?

I would describe her reaction
as embarrassed and angry.

(sniffs)

(growling)

(slurps)

(whimpers)

(choking and gasping)

(crocodile choking)

Guaka, quit hugging my ankle.

It's not me, sir.

(purring sound)

Oh. It's some sort of
rat thing.

Aah! Get it off!
Offy, offy, offy!

Kuzco?

It's Malina!
Gotta go.

Hey, Malina.

After my, uh,
romantic rhyming thing,

I knew you'd come
looking for me,

though I thought you'd be
a little weaker in the knees.

Kuzco, I need to talk to you.

Sometimes I feel like

you're so busy acting like
a cool guy, that you forget -

Hm?

Kuzco?
Yeah?(giggles)

See? This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

What?(giggling)

You can't have one
serious moment, can you?

Forget it.
(giggling)Malina!

(giggles)Wait!

(laughs)

Listen, you. I have
a strict no-rodent policy.

Now you got me in trouble
with Malina... for some reason.

(purring sound)

And...

Feeling... something...

funny...

(baby talk)Who's Kuzco's
little fur ball?

You are, my sweetie!

My sweet-sweet-
sweetie-sweetie.

Heh-heh-heh. You know what's
a great name for you?

Kuzco. No, wait.
Name's taken.

Kuzco Jr.
Um... Kuzco Sr.?

No.
Huh?

Fuzzy Kuzco!
(gasps)Fuzzyco!

I'll name you Fuzzyco.

And you will live
with me forever!

Mm-hmm!

(kisses)

(rooster crows)
(Pacha) What's going on, Kuzco?

You're looking
a little too happy.

Maybe that's 'cause
I am hun-gry!

Bring on the breakfast,
Mrs., uh...

Hey, Pacha, can you believe
I've lived here all this time,

I still don't know
your last name?

I'd be more surprised
if you did.

I don't know what spell
Yzma put on you, Kuzco,

but it's nice
to see you... nice.

There you are, Slimy!

(croaks)

Aahh!

Slimy! Oh, I've been
looking all over for you.

That is the last straw.

Honey...

First, an aardvark
wearing my slippers,

then a baby manatee
in the toilet, and now this?

(croaks)

Kids love animals.

But if they're not gonna
take care of them,

then they can't bring them
in the house.

Hey, I just got a -
New house rule:

No animals inside, ever.
No exceptions. Got it?

Uh-huh.

(Kuzco)This is Kuzco Academy,

really one of the better
schools in the area.

And this is that little
wall opening place

where I'm supposed to keep
those things called book.

So you're gonna stay
in here during the day...

(whimpers)
No, no.

Come on, in you go.

Agh!

That should hold you.
Hey, Kuzco.

Yzma says if I don't get you
to take this blue parrot potion,

she's gonna cancel
myPajama Llamasubscription.

You get paid in comic books?

It's worth it.

(gasps)He's gone!

Where is he?
Where is he?

(Yata)Are you just gonna sit
there like a bump on a log,

or can I get you
something to eat?

(sighs)I'm still trying
to figure out Kuzco.

Huh. Good luck, honey.

That boy makes about
as much sense as
milking an armadillo.

He's been acting weird.

Weirder than usual.

This morning, I found
a girl's hair ribbon
hanging in his locker.

Then he skipped out of
Mr. Moleguaco's class.

But I saw him in the cafeteria
with two pill bug platters.

You know what I think?

I think Kuzco's done
got himself a girlfriend.

W-what? Wai -
One that's not me?

Oh! So you do
"like-him like-him."

Yes, I like-him like-him,

and I thought
he liked-me liked-me,

but now I don't know
if he just likes-me,

and likes-her
likes-her instead.

Uh... can you repeat that?

Fuzzyco? Fuzzyco?

Fuzzyco!

Now I just gotta
sneak you home.

Made it. And the big, mean
Chichasaurus didn't even -

Kuzco!

Malina came by earlier
looking for...

you.

Is that a vase on your head?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

All the kids are wearin' 'em.
Vase hat! Shooby-da-zow!

Right. Oh, by the way,

I hope you haven't been keeping
a chinchilla down here.

A what? I can't even
pronounce "chinchilla."

Hmm. Then how do you explain
the bag of Chinchilla Chow? Hmm?

Uhh...

Umm...

Got it!

I'm on
the Chinchilla Chow diet.

It's part of
the vase hat trend.

I don't think so.

Aha!

Huh?! W-where'd it...

I mean...
vase hat... give it.

I'm gonna go fix dinner.

You, of course, will be
having Chinchilla Chow.

Right?
Yep.

Makes its own gravy.

Aahh!

Kuzco, what are you
screaming about?

Nothing. Just how...

aaappetizing
that potato surprise looks,

but you should never put
too many potatoes
in potato surprise.

So I'll just take these.
Huh?
What?

No slicey!

Fuzzyco!

Don't worry!
I'll save you!

I think I'll eat
at the Llama Lodge tonight.

Once I've delivered this
parrot-potioned meat mug
to Kuzco...

I'll have delivered
this parrot-potioned meat mug
to Kuzco.

Better get a lid.

(slurps)

Yata, another meat mug -
extra meat.

One meat mug comin' up.

What do I tell Yzma?

Don't worry, Kronk.
I'll buy you aPajama Llama
comic book.

Whoo! Thanks.

Chicha says no pets, so...

I know, I know,
this whole thing was your idea,

but really,
I can't keep you.
(purring sound)

I totally get it now!
Youhave tofly north!

You don't know why -
it's just a feeling.

Hey, that's Kuzco!

I like you, Fuzzyco.

And as much as
I'd like to keep you,

and the fact I can't return
the opened 25-pound bag of
Chinchilla Chow,

it's probably not best
for either of us.

So, good luck,
little fella.

(whimpers)

Run along now, Fuzzyco.
Go on. Go on!

(purring sound)

That was so sweet.

Kuzco actually did something
for someone else.

Kuzco, you act
all "I'm the man,"

which makes a lot of people
not like you.

But sometimes people don't
understand their own feelings.

They just feel them,
like a bird flying north.

She doesn't know why she's
doing it. She just does.

Uh, what are we
talking about again?

We're not talking.
We're golfing.

Yes!
Ooh. Too bad.

Got caught in that
little round trap. Hmm.

By the way, a certain someone -
gossipy Yata -

told me that you thought
I had a girlfriend.

Well...

I did. But...

I broke it off. Yeah.

I'm gonna you
a second chance.

(chuckles)
You are? Well, good.

Really?
Really.

(♪ kazoo)

♪ It's the end of the show

♪ Just the credits to go

♪ Whoa-whoa-whoa,
whoa-whoa-whoa

♪ Now brace yourself
for the bridge ♪

Yeah! Kuzco has left
the building.