The Emperor's New School (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 27 - Emperor's New Show/Too Many Malina's - full transcript

And now some new choices
for...

(Southern accent)
...theme music.
(♪ western)

(mousy)Theme music.
(♪ calliope)

Ehh, why change a classic?
Theme music.

♪ He's on his way
to the throne

♪ He's on his way to success

♪ But he has to go to school,
he's got to ace that test

♪ He's an emperor-to-be,
and he's totally...

You know,
it's all about me.

Exactly.
Let's go.

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
♪ Kuzco Academy



♪ He's got to learn
his A, B, Cs

♪ Don't try to stop him
and top him

To destroy him, right?
Uh...

♪ K-U-Z-C-O

♪ Kuzco, Kuzco,
go, go

♪ He's got the cool, he's got
the charm and the looks

♪ And a hottie
that can help him

♪ Read that thing called book
Let's go.

♪ He's going to Kuzco Academy
Come on, dude.

♪ He's got to fulfill
his destiny

♪ His friends are loyal,
it's royal

♪ They'll help
against the foil

Friends? I thought this
was all about me.

Heh-heh.
Spell my name again.



♪ K-U-Z-C-O

♪ Kuzco, Kuzco,
go, go ♪

Oh, hey there.
Welcome to my show.

Today's the day
we read fan mail,

or as I call it,
all about me mail.

So, let's
get to the praising.
Ooh, heh, laundry bag.

This is the mailbag.

"Dear Kuzco,
my favorite character
is Malina."

Not about me. "Dear Kuzco,
why does Guaka--"
Not about me.

Not about me.
Not about me.

OK, here's what to write
in a fan letter.

Dear Superstar Kuzco,
you are great.

Your show is great.
Signed, whoever you are.

OK, well, that's all the time
we have for me mail.
See ya next week.

Whoa, hold on.
This one just arrived.

Hi, TV-watching people.

(sighs)
This better be good.

"Dear Superstar Kuzco,
I love your show."

Yeah. See, that's
a perfect fan letter.
That's more like it.

So, is that all
they wrote,
or, uh...?

Yeah. "Dear Kuzco,
I love your show,

"but you always
fall for Yzma's potions.

What's up with that?"

Not always.
Purple fizzy drink.

Thanks.

I'm a kangaroo.
(sobs)

Yay, I'm back to me.

OK, I get the point.

Let's see what else
this letter says.

"So why don't you be in
a cool cop show instead?

"You could wear sunglasses
and a leather jacket

and have super-awesome
car chases." Hmm...

Throw in a spinning light
that goes whoo-whoo-whoo,
and it's a deal.

(siren wails)

Kuzcop, you been on the job
for three days straight.

You sure you can handle
another case?

Crime doesn't nap,
and neither do I.

Then you're needed at Mudka's.
There's been a theft.

Not for long, Guakar.

Kuzcop rules!

♪ He's Kuzcop

♪ A for real private eye

♪ He's Kuzcop

♪ Kronk monkey at his side

♪ He's Kuzcop

(Guakar)
♪ With a talking car

♪ He's Kuzcop ♪

The "K" is for crime.

Oh, she turned away
for the ketchup,

and when she turned back,
her meat mug was gone.

Putting ketchup on a meat mug?
That's the real crime.

Lots of our customers
put ketchup on their meat mugs.

I'm afraid this trail
has run cold.

Actually, it runs
to the kitchen. See?

My extensive
two weeks of training

tells me to...

Eek, eek, eek.

...send in the monkey.

I'm on it!

(clang)

All clear.

Eek, eek... unh!

Kuzcop. Drat.

Looks like Yzma's
gonna be spending
the next few years

in the secret slammer.

Good job, Kuzcop.

Why, thank you,
Sergeant Malina.

And remember -
the "K" is for crime.

(gunshot)

I don't get it.

How did Kuzcop sneak into
Mudka's kitchen and cuff me?

I got a better question -
Why'd you knock me over the head
with a mallet?

Kronk, I could
never defeat Kuzco
in his regular show,

so getting him to star in
a new show

gives me a new opportunity
to destroy him.

It's my most brilliant plan
ever, right?

But it didn't work.

Eh, shows get canceled
all the time.

Maybe it's the actors,
maybe the script.
Audiences are fickle.

Next time, we'll nail it.
To the secret desk!

Aah!

(♪ circus)

You know, going to
the secret desk

is not nearly as exciting
as going to the secret lab.

Eh, sit down. Time to write
a new fan letter,

because I've got an idea
for another new show.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Ahem.

Dear Superstar Kuzco...

"While you'reKuzcopshow
was entertaining,

the ending was predictable."

Yeah, and I don't like
the part with the mallet.

"Why not try your luck
at a game show?

It could be called..."

(announcer)
"The Answer Is Kuzco."

And now here's the man
with the questions -

Kronk!

Thanks, loud announcer person,

and now let's say howdy-do
to today's contestant Kuzco.

Hey, Kuzco.
Hey, Kronk.

What Kuzco doesn't know
is when he hits the buzzer,

a springy platform
will launch him
straight to the moon,

and Yzma will become empress.

Come on, bring on
thepreguntas, fraulein.

Today's first question -

"What emperor's name
begins with "K"

and ends with "uzco"?

Uh...

(buzzer sounds)

The answer is Kuzco.

Clearly a trick question.

Fill in the blank -
"K-u-z-c-o,

Kuzco, blank, go, go."

Uh...

(buzzer sounds)

Was it "go"?
No. The answer is Kuzco.

OK, here's an easy one.

What's your name?

Uh...

Kuzco, Kuzco, Kuzco.

Aah!

(audience cheers)

(announcer) Thanks
for joining us for
"The Answer Is Kuzco."

What did I win?
What did I win?

Here's another fan letter.
Sorry it took me so long
to bring it over.

I had some business
to take care of on the moon.

"Dear Superstar Kuzco,

"too bad you don't know
your own name.

"Maybe you should stick to
something you do know,

"like being animated.

Wouldn't it be cool if you had
your own cartoon show?"

(announcer)
When Kuzco the Awesome

was bestowed by the ancestral
Cloud Creatures

with the attributes
of skill, talent, coolness,

and the ability
to stare into space
for a long time,

he became Master Kuzco.

His quest for the 26
mystical llámaballs
never ends.

Llámaballs contain
magical warriors
or Magi-War

who battle wickedly
powerful monsters
or Wick-Pow-Mons

for protection
of Peasant City.

With him are Guaka the Geek,
Yata, the flame-haired girl
from planet Mudka,

and Malina, Queen of the Sun,
who is twice as hot.

This is your final warning,
Dragon Yzma.

When will you learn the lessons
of our previous battles
and surrender?

Or what?

Or suffer the awesomeness
of my awesomely great powers,
which are... awesome.

You don't scare me,
Master Kuzco. I've got wrinkles
more powerful than you.

Then let's get to it.
This scene's getting talky.

Nice potion eyes.

Thanks, thanks.
I like that glowing thing.

Yeah, it's cool.

Good weather lately.

Supposed to be a chance
of meteor showers tonight.

Ah, that's the third time
this month.

Mm.

So, we gonna battle,
or what?

Sure, why not?

A meat mug. You'll never
defeat me with that.

(cackles)

It's not for you.
(slurps)

And now...

Kronky chef?

I really should label
these llámaballs.

Grr...

Grr...

Grr...

Grr...

Haven't they struck yet?
They were only 20 feet apart.

Grr...

Grr...
Grr...

Grr...
Grr...

Grr...

Sorry I defeated little you
in the llámaball battle,

but seeing how your
freakishly long eyelashes
have grown back already,

all's well that ends well.

And it's all going to end well
because I have a new show

that will lead to
Kuzco's ultimate defeat.

Take this down.

Maybe you should let me
write this one.

You?

Sort of had an idea
for a cooking show.

Kuzco and I go stove to stove.
A spinach puff cook-off.

The ultimate puff-off!

How am I supposed
to destroy Kuzco
in a cooking show?

Flambé him?

You don't flambé a puff.
You burn it.
What's wrong with you?

No cooking shows, Kronk.
Now start writing.

Dear Superstar Kuzco...

Yay!
Another fan letter.

Uh, say somethin' else.
Why?

What do you mean?

Your mouth isn't going along
with your words.

Look at me. Little Lava Larry
laughing in the meadowland.

Could we please cut
to my new show?
The wrestling show?

Not that I read
the fan letter
or rewrote it,

if that's what
you're thinkin'.

(announcer)
And now back to...

The royal wrestling guy's
in rare form tonight.

They don't call him The Duke
of Laziness for nothing.

Do you think he's ready
for a rematch with
The Human Hammer?

Last time those two met,
things turned ugly.

Speaking of ugly,
The Human Hammer
is in the house!

(cheers)

(cheers and boos)

(laughter)

That wasn't fair.

Yes, it was.

Nuh-uh.
Uh-huh.

Nuh-uh...
Uh-huh...

(cheering)

You old dinosaur.

You royal pain.

You banana peel
and carton of expired milk.

You empty box of cereal
and broken CD case.

Ooh, the trash talk
has begun.

(screams)
(grunts)

(blows)

Huh?
What?

There's a new challenger.

The Kronkinator.

I've come to challenge
the royal wrestling guy

to... the ultimate puff-off.

(cheering)

I said no cooking shows.

I made a couple changes
to the fake fan letter.

Fake fan letters?
That is funny.

What sucker
have you been writing
fake fan letters to?

Can I get in on this?

Hey.
(ding ding ding)

(Chaca)Round one.

Whah!

You can't edit the show
without my approval.

You wouldn't let me play.

This show's my last chance
to destroy Kuzco.

Why you goin' after me?

Aah.

Yeah, it got kinda ugly
after that.

What do you say we get to
this new fan letter just in?

"Dear Superstar Kuzco,
what happened to your
classic TV show,

the one where you're
a super-cool emperor-to-be
with a hottie-hot-hottie

"and a fanboy who does
everything you say?

"That was a great show.
I wouldn't change a thing.

Signed, Kuzco."

Hey, great suggestion,

person named Kuzco
who's not me.

Ah, it's nice to get back
to the real show, isn't it?

Except, well,
that was the show.

That's why we're fading out.
See ya. Fadey, fadey, fadey.

Come on, Malina.
Please?

Kuzco, there's a big test
in Kuzcography tomorrow,
and I need to study.

You could just study me.
Shh.

But I wanna do something fun.
Then go do it.
I'm studying. Shh.

Oh, all you ever do is study.
Whatever happened to
Smoochie Malina?

She couldn't keep her hands
off me.
Mwah. I love Kuzco.

Mwah. I love Kuzco.
Mwah.

Kuzco, that so
never happened.

Well, yeah, because you keep
Smoochie Malina

buried deep beneath
Studying Malina
and Bossy Malina

and No-Time-For-Fun
Malina.

I'm going someplace quiet,
by myself. Bye now.

Hmm, if only I could
get rid of those annoying
personality traits,

like independence
and not doing what Kuzco wants.

OK, seriously,
this no-labeling-
the-potions thing

is a royal pain.

Hah, get it?
'Cause I'm a royal.

I should have my own show.

Wow, that is good. He even got
the fake karate pose down.

Yzma, your Kuzco disguise -
nearly perfect.

I am Kuzco.

And the voice - very good.
A little feminine, yes, but...

you can't completely block
your Yzmaness.

One - I'm not Yzma.

Well, that explains
the feminine thing.

Two - I'm totally grossed out
right now.

Three - I need to find
something to strip away
all of Malina's yuckiness.

Yuckiness?
You know what I mean.

The bossiness,
the I-told-you-soiness,

the all-worky-
and-no-playiness.

I just want
the crazy-in-love-
with-Kuzconess.

(laughs)

Sorry, buddy. You won't find
a potion that'll do all that.

For that, you'll need
Yzma's brand-new

personality extractor
thingamabob.

That's exactly what I need,
a personality extractor
thingamajiggy.

It's a thingamabob.

Bob, not jiggy.

Bob.

Let me at it.

Sorry, it's off-limits.

Just came in this morning.
Even Yzma hasn't seen it
yet,

so it's a no-go.

Oh, fine, if that's how
you wanna repay the big favor
I did for you.

Favor?

The favor. The big one
that I did for you,

and you were so happy,
you did a little dance,

and you said if I ever
needed anything,
I should come to you,

and I said,
"Forget about it."
I don't remember that.

Because you forgot about it
just like I asked. Good man.

Luckily, I remembered.

Whoo, thank goodness.

I know. Well,
now it's payback time.

Seems only fair.

But how do we get Malina
to go into the thingamabob?

Leave that to me.

I have devised a plan

that only a handsome
brainy brain like mine
could devise.

What? Hey!
Kuzco.

What are you doing?
Let me out of this thing.

Oh, I will, one personality
at a time. Pull the lever,
Kronk.

Just hold on. I'm filling out
the warranty card.

Hmm...

You ever do anything
like that to me again,

yuhh.

Hmm, I'm not upset anymore.

Huh. You must've split off
the angry part of Malina.

And good riddance to ya.

So, feel like
throwing your arms
around me yet?

Get serious.

See ya later. I've got to
study, study, study.

Bye-bye, Studying Malina.

(giggles)

Hello, Giggly Malina.
And goodbye.

K-u-z-c-o.
Kuzco, Kuzco, go, go.

Cheerleader Malina.
Go, go! Away.

(giggling)
Go, go!

Hey, no touching.

Kuzco, could you
slow down a bit?

We need to keep this quiet
so Yzma doesn't find out.

No can do, meathead.
I'm on a roll.

Running Malina, slow down.

Hey, Spitting Malina,
please, clean that up.

Pouty Malina, you wipe that look
right off your face right now.

Kleptomaliniac,
gimme back my wallet.

I love
the library.

Bookworm Malina.

What are you doing?

Thinks-She's-All-That Malina.

What?
I don't think so.
Sassy Malina.

(passes gas)

Gassy Malina.

That's it?
No more Malinas?

Come on, where's
Smoochie Malina?

Right here,
Kuzco, my darling.

(teeth chatter)

Scared Malina, relax.
We're not all after you.

Clumsy Malina, don't...
(plate shatters)

...break that.
Sorry.

Thanks, buddy.
We're outta here.

Uh, Kuzco, what am I
supposed to do

with all these
other Malinas?

How should I know?

All right, girls, we found
the exit. Move it, move it.

Bossy Malina, no!
Malinas, listen to me.

We need to stay together.
It's very important that
you don't leave the...

Ah.

Oh, it's OK, Kronk.
It's OK.

Thanks, Consoling Malina.

Oh, my sweet, sweet Kuzco.

My devotion to you
knows no bounds.
I will do anything for you.

Oh, yeah, I am loving this.

And the best part,
I can't see a single way
this could go wrong.

Still loving it.

I love Kuzco.

I love Kuzco.

I love Kuzco.

Still loving it.

Still loving it.

Knock knock.
OK, now you're
pushing it.

But I miss you.

You can't come in.
Mwah.

I'm glad you found us.
Sleeping Malina keeps
snoring and snoring.

I didn't have
anybody to talk to,
but now I have you,

and you have me
to talk to, too.

Talk to, too. To too.
Aw, that's funny.

To too. Ha-ha-ha. Don't you
think that's funny?

To too, get it?

Ho-ho. Yeah, that's
a real humdinger there,
Chatty Malina. Yzma!

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? Did you
forget something?

Once I forgot to brush
my teeth, and all day,

it felt like my teeth
were wearing sweaters.
Tiny cute little sweaters.

Late fee? But I sent that check
on the 27th.

Good morning,
Principal Amzy.

Good morning, Malina.

(sobs)What's so good
about it?

What? Pardon me?

Why don't you use
those shriveled knobs
you call ears and listen?

What did you say,
young lady?

Did I say something
to offend you?
I am so, so sorry.

OK, come on, Malina.
Let's get you to class.

Stress.

(chomps)

Plllbbt.(chomps)

Yecch. Ew, ew. OK, all right,
gross. Gross. Enough.

I rechewed your food
for you.

Now there's zero chance
of my sweet Kuzco

choking on a bone.

It's spaghetti. No bones.

Or an uncooked noodle.
It could happen.

Smoochie Malina, honey,

this just isn't working.

It's not me, it's you.

I need less from you.

You're just too committed
to this relationship.

You... You're breaking up
with me?

Believe me,
this is hurting you

more than it is me.

Kronk, buddy, you can
take this one now.

Yay. That's the last Malina
I needed to round up.

Yay. Now we can get
old Moody Malina back.

Uh, yeah, about that.

We gotta get all of them
into that.

Uh, I haven't
done the math,

biology's
never been my thing,

ha-ha, but I'm gonna guess
this is a problem.

(sobs)I just don't get it.

Oh, what's wrong, girl?

(sobbing)Kuzco
broke up with me.

Oh, no, he didn't.

He did. And after
I devoted

my whole life to him.

I'm so sorry to hear that,
Smoochie Malina.

Don't call me that.
Call me...

Heartbroken Malina.

Kuzco's breaking up
with one of us,

he's breaking up
with all of us.
Right, girls?

R-i-g-h-t.

Right.
Right.

And we're not gonna
take it, are we?

No.

Let's get him!

Charge!

Yep, yep, you see?
I had a hunch.

(Malinas yelling)
Um, what's that sound?

Charge!

Wha...?

(screaming)

Girls, girls, it's me -

Reasonable Malina.

Listen, what say
we let Kuzco go

and chalk this whole thing up
as a valuable life lesson?

That you have to accept
the ones you love
just as they are.

N-o.
No!

(man over P.A.) Please
remain seated and keep hands
inside at all times.

Yaah.

Aah!

Hit the deck!
She's gonna blow!

Uh, can somebody
please tell me

what I'm doin' here?

No, because then you'd
probably get all mad
and lecture-y on me.

Yay, I'm so happy
to have you back.

Yeah, not enjoying this.
You didn't enjoy that?

Double yay.

OK, too clingy, Kuzco.

Sometimes I wish I could
get rid of that part
of your personality.

But I love you.

Oh, if you only knew
the irony of those words.

No, wait. What does irony
mean again?

Ha-ha. It all worked out,
and there was no harm done.

Uh...

Is it here, Kronk?
Is it?

Is my new fiendish device
that is sure to spell
the end

of that nattering
nitwit Kuzco here?

Yeah, here it is.

(reads)

Kronk, what is this?

Well, I, uh...
Well, uh...

See, the, uh...

It's supposed to be
a personality extractor
thingamajiggy.

Send it back.

Uhh...