The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 21 - Donna Plays Cupid - full transcript

Oh!

Well, honey, I thought
you were right behind me.

Well, it's not easy to follow
you when I'm weak from hunger.

Why couldn't we have had dinner

before coming on
this fool's errand?

Oh, Alex, is that
any way to talk?

At this very moment,
your best friend

is huddled in his room alone,
hungry, and racked with pain.

At this very moment, I'm
suffering more from hunger

than Bo is from
his slipped disk.

Honey, wait.



- We forgot the sauce.
- Forgot what?

The hollandaise
sauce for the broccoli.

Honey, would you go back
down to the car and get it?

I left it in the back seat.

Imagine Bo having
to eat his broccoli

without hollandaise sauce.

My heart bleeds for him.

Don't tell me how
you slipped your disk.

I know all about it.

Honey, I give you my word.
I got it on the golf course.

But not playing golf.

You got it carrying that redhead
back to the club. I checked.

She fainted.

Look, I'm a doctor.



When a human being
needs assistance,

I don't care what
color hair she has.

Not as long as she's
young and beautiful.

Just to even things up,

I suppose she
brought you your lunch?

You're gonna be awfully
ashamed of yourself

when I tell you who
brought me that.

It was my mother.

Your mother?!

When Mother heard
of my misfortune,

she made a flying
visit from Toledo.

Oh, yeah? Well,
where is she now?

Oh, she left this afternoon.

She's probably boarding
a plane right now.

I wish you could have met Mom.

Oh, honey.

Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you.

- Your mother.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, I brought you a
chopped liver on pumpernickel.

Chopped liver?

Connie, I forgive
everything you said.

Hello.

Who is it?

Your dear old mother
missed her plane.

Shouldn't we call your friend

and explain that this is
just an errand of mercy?

No, no indeed.

Anybody who'd bring me a
chopped liver on pumpernickel

when my soul cries
out for sauerbraten

doesn't deserve any
explana... Broccoli, too.

With hollandaise sauce.
I hope you're grateful.

You hope I'm grateful?

What have you ever done to
deserve an angel like Donna?

Oh, you just say that
because you're hungry.

You're so right. Oh, get
rid of that for me, huh?

Chopped liver.
I'll get rid of it.

- Have you got any horseradish?
- Horseradish?

He's an epicure.

Oh, yeah, it's out
in the refrigerator,

next to the olives
and the onions.

Cornbread, too.

My chopped liver, I believe.

Go ahead, Mother,
spoil your darling boy.

That's a nice friend you've got.

Connie? Oh, she's a little
excitable, but I don't mind.

You... You're
used to perfection.

If my back was up to it, I'd
kiss the hem of your dress.

Fabulous vittles, Donna.

Anyone with an ounce of
charity would have done the same.

How's everything?

For heaven's sake, will
you stop babying him?

Hey, tell me,

how did you do a stupid
thing like wrenching your back?

Hmm?

Oh, well, I was on the fairway

with a 6-iron to
the green when...

- You know the hole, don't you?
- Mmm.

When I spotted this
redhead in the sand trap.

Well, she was looking at me
and breathing heavily, you know?

Well, first I thought it
was my fatal charm.

Then I noticed that she
was beginning to weave.

Well, I jumped in and grabbed
her just before she keeled over.

You know how tough
it is to carry a redhead

from the sand trap
clear into the clubhouse

and then into the bar.

Well, we had a small
bottle of champagne,

and she started
to feel much better.

Only thing is, look
where I ended up.

Yeah, well, I prescribe
rest and quiet for a few days,

and above all, don't
lift any redheads.

Oh, Donna, can we go now?

Alex, I really ought to stay
and clean up this apartment.

- It's a mess.
- Mmm!

You've done enough.

Take Alex home and feed him.

And bless you both.

- Will you be all right?
- Oh, I'll manage.

Just leave it to old... Bo.

Oh, uh, would you
turn the hi-fi on, please?

I'll get it.

You poor thing.

Are you sure you won't
need anything else?

Alex already staked out
his claim on what I need.

Are there any more at
home like you, Donna?

Oh, well, Bo, call us
if you need anything.

- Okay.
- Bye!

Bye-bye, Doctor.

Alex, it's heartbreaking.

What that man needs
in his life is a woman.

And I don't mean

the chopped-liver-on-
pumpernickel type, either.

Oh, sure, you mean the
sauerbraten and dumplings type.

I know.

Donna, why all this
rush of concern for Bo?

In a few days, his back
will be as good as new.

Honey, I'm not talking
about his physical condition.

Bo has a higher need.

Here, Jeff, maybe
this will hold you.

I don't want an
apple. I want dinner!

Well, Mother and Daddy
just got home, so relax.

Now, is it my move?

Yes.

Alex, did you see that
look in his eye when we left?

It was like a deserted
basset hound.

Oh, you caught him
in a maudlin moment.

Most of the time,
he's laughing it up.

But, Alex, can't you hear
the hollow ring to his laughter?

He's lonely because the one
thing every man needs most,

he hasn't got.

Now, just a minute.

When a man's
hungry, you feed him.

When he's lonely, you...

Ah, now the real
truth is coming out.

You're determined to see...

You're absolutely
determined to see

that the party of the first part
gets involved matrimonially

with a party of the second part.

Who are they talking
about? Uncle Bo?

Well, it has to be. They just
came back from feeding him.

You know, Mother's right.

Uncle Bo should be married.

Well, I suppose everybody
has to go sometime.

Well, you're
wasting your concern

on one of the happiest
men I've ever seen.

Alex, do you really
think he's happy

with girls like that Connie?

Why, every time we see
him he's with a different girl.

That's what I said... He's
one of the happiest men

I've ever seen.

Very funny.

But if you'll just
stop to think,

you'll notice that
these kind of people...

Why's Mom picking on Bo?

Well, she's not
picking on him, Jeff.

It's for his own welfare.

Yeah, yeah, that's what the
spiders keep telling the flies.

Come on, it's your move.

All right, all right.

I won't say another word.

But just tell me one thing.

What's wrong
with Stella Mitchell?

For the party of the first part?

She's as wrong
as a nine-dollar bill.

Now, look, honey,
let's not meddle, hmm?

Alex, I'm not meddling.

Everybody who gets married

has to be introduced
by somebody first.

Now, just where would we be

if Dr. Matthews
hadn't introduced us?

I'll tell you where we'd be.

Come to think of it,
where would we be?

Your move.

You know who would be
just perfect for Uncle Bo?

Ceil Pennington.

Are you kidding?

She must be close to 30.

Besides, she's got a guy
on a string, remember?

Oh, that shows how
much you know about it.

She broke up with him.

Well, how do you know so much?

Well, Lorna McNish's
mother just happened to be

in the Delmar beauty parlor

when Mrs. Vogelsang
was telling another lady

how when she was in Ceil's
bookstore, the telephone rang,

and it was Herbie
Armbruster, Ceil's boyfriend.

All right, all right.
I'm sorry I asked.

And Ceil and Herbie had a
terrible fight over the phone,

and Ceil told Herbie she
never wanted to see him again.

So there.

Ceil would be just
perfect for Uncle Bo.

Wait.

Do you know who
would be just perfect?

Ceil Pennington.

Oh, she's a lovely girl.

She's well read, a good dancer,

a marvelous cook, and
she loves to play golf.

Honey, I agree, but do you
mind my pointing out one thing?

Isn't she running around
with Herbie Armbruster?

Well, she is and she isn't.

I heard a rumor they broke up.

You see, Ellen McNish went
to Delmar's beauty parlor,

- and she heard...
- Honey, you hear a wild rumor,

and immediately you start
an international conspiracy.

Alex, is it an
international conspiracy

to invite two nice
people to dinner...

Just a simple,
little dinner party

where you could introduce
the party of the first part

to the party of the second part?

Mother, I think
you're absolutely right.

Ceil Pennington would
be just perfect for Uncle Bo.

Miss, do you have

a child's "Sunken
Garden" in verse?

Oh, Donna!

- Hi, Ceil. How are you?
- It's been ages.

Hasn't it? How's Herbie?

Herbie could be on his
way to the moon in a rocket

for all I know.

And I couldn't care less.

Don't tell me you've
broken up with him.

Well, I just told him
in unmistakable terms

to get lost and stay lost.

You know, I really
should hate you, Donna.

Me? Why?

Well, tomorrow,
it will be exactly

two years, three
months, and 13 days

since you had that barbecue
at your house, remember?

Barbecue?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. With my luck, I
had to meet Herbie there.

But, Ceil, there were at
least 30 other people there.

Oh, I don't hate you.

In fact, I've never been
so happy in my life.

When I think of
the years that I...

Oh, look, let's not
discuss it any further.

All right. Anything you say.

Have you read any
good books lately?

Oh, listen, Donna,

here is a book you
have simply got to read.

It's all about a woman who...

When I think of the years
that I wasted on that man!

And for what?!

I mean, anytime I
would just bring up

the subject of marriage, just
conversationally, mind you,

Herbie would turn deathly pale

and develop a
splitting headache.

Oh, look, do me a favor.

Let's forget the
whole dreary subject.

All right.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Barley.

Excuse me, Donna.

Go ahead, dear.

Mrs. Barley, there's a new
book that you'll simply adore.

It has a final last scene
where Lady Broadhurst

is returning from the funeral
of the man that she's poisoned,

and she finds out that
her lover has gone down

with all hands in a ship...

Uh, Dr. Burt Boland, please.

Hi, Bo.

This is Donna. How are you?

How's your back?

Oh, wonderful.

Well, then, why don't you
come to dinner tomorrow night,

and we can all celebrate?

Fine!

I'll see you about 7:00.

Bye.

Well, where were we?

Uh, we had just decided

not to discuss a
certain dreary subject.

Oh, yes.

Ceil, why don't you come
for dinner tomorrow night?

Oh, thanks, Donna,
but I don't know.

I just don't feel very much like
going out and seeing people.

Well, I understand.

Revisiting the scene of happier
memories would be painful,

wouldn't it?

Oh, look, if you
think I'm still yearning

for Herbie Armbruster,
you couldn't be more wrong!

I don't care if I ever see
Herbie or any other man again

as long as I live.

I'll come.

Good, Ceil.

Oh, and, honey, don't close the
door on the entire opposite sex.

You know, you can never
tell what tomorrow may bring.

Bye.

Bye.

Holy cow, you'd think we're
gonna have royalty to dinner.

Well, Mother... she's
creating a little atmosphere,

and we're going to give
her all the help we can.

You know, maybe I
shouldn't put these here.

Maybe I should just strew the
petals around the table, huh?

Go and change your clothes.

And do you remember
everything I told you?

When the guests arrive,
we join them for five minutes

of polite conversation,
and then we disappear.

Go on.

And the love seat is
reserved for Bo and Ceil.

What happens if they
want to sit somewhere else?

How can they if all the other
seats happen to be taken?

Tricky.

Go on.

- Hi, honey.
- Hello, dear.

Well, just a simple,
little dinner, hmm?

Where, um...

Where's the boar's head
with the apple in his mouth?

Oh, dear, when you have guests,

it's customary to go
to a little extra trouble.

I thought...

I thought champagne was
served after the wedding.

Bring the tray, dear, please.

Ah, very homey.

Do with a touch of of incense,
though, don't you think?

How did the love seat get there?

Jeff helped me.

All right, so I went to
a lot of extra trouble,

but Bo is our best friend,
and Ceil is a charming girl.

All I'm thinking about
is their happiness.

You got the marriage
license handy?

Excuse me.

Hello, Bo.

- Take me to your larder.
- Come on in.

I haven't had a
bite to eat all day.

- Good.
- Looking forward

to a tasty, home-cooked...

Hey, why all the
festive trappings?

Roses, candlelight?

Our only thought
is your happiness.

You mean all this to
celebrate my recovery?

Donna, you're a
pearl beyond price.

Seriously, I don't know
why she married you.

She's so wonderful,
she deserves me.

Oh, don't worry. You'll
get what's coming to you.

Excuse me.

Me too.

- Hi.
- Hi, Ceil.

Ooh, it's cold.

- Oh, hi, Doc.
- Thank you very much.

- Oh, what a pretty dress.
- Oh, thank you.

Glad you like it.

Uh, Ceil, this is
Dr. Burt Boland.

- Bo, this is Ceil Pennington.
- How do you do?

And you both know
Mary, of course.

- Hi.
- Hi, honey.

Well, let's all sit down.

Dinner will be
ready in a moment.

Ceil is in charge of
our lending library.

Well, I've always wanted to
have a chat with a librarian.

Most of them just
say, "Shh!" to me.

Well, I promise I won't.
This is my night off.

Hi, Uncle Bo.

Hi, Miss Pennington.

Hello, Jeff.

Well...

Great deal of weather we've been
having lately, wouldn't you say?

Yes, I certainly do.

Little chillier than yesterday,

but they say tomorrow
will be even chillier,

unless the weather changes,

and I don't think we
can count on that.

No.

Chopped liver?

I love chopped liver.

- Oh, after you.
- Oh, thank you.

Bo is one of our
leading obstetricians.

Is that right? That must
be very interesting work.

Oh, I'm just a glorified
delivery boy, that's all.

Did you know that a colt's
eyes are the same size at birth

as when fully grown?

Really?

Oh, that's fascinating.

Tell us more.

That's all I know about it.

I just happened to
read about that in a filler.

What's a filler, Uncle Bo?

- You know, that's...
- Well...

Sorry.

You know, one of those
items they use in newspapers

to fill out columns with.

Like, for instance,
"It is estimated

there is more than $10
billion worth of sunken treasure

undiscovered at the bottom
of the Atlantic Ocean."

How extraordinary.

That settles it. I'd like a skin
diver's outfit for Christmas.

Oh, Daddy.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I
have some homework to do.

- Have some more?
- No.

Well, me too.

I hate to tear
myself away, though,

'cause it's really
been an experience.

Oh, excuse me.

I just happened to
think of something

I have to take care of.

Me too.

- Have you...
- Read any good...

Excuse me.

That's all right.

Of course, you realize
why we've been invited here.

Oh, yes, we're being exposed
to each other, aren't we?

Mm-hmm. The full treatment.

The only thing lacking

is romantic music
in the background.

Soft music, candlelight,

and two of the most
embarrassed people I've ever seen.

Alex, I don't understand it.

They're just perfect
for each other.

Now, darling, you're not
mixing chemicals in a test tube.

You're trying to
control the reactions

of a couple of
grown-up human beings,

and it can't be done.

Mmm, I'll say this
much for Donna...

She makes darn
good chopped liver.

Are you embarrassed
by all this, Ceil?

Oh, no.

If anything, I'm touched she
went to so much trouble for us.

Say, I just had a thought.

Suppose you and I...

No, no.

- What?
- No, nothing.

- Forget it.
- No, go ahead. Tell me.

Well, Donna is gonna
be terribly disappointed

when she comes back in here

and finds that we're not, you
know, romantically involved.

I suppose so.

Well, why disappoint her?

What exactly do
you have in mind?

Oh, I'm perishing from hunger.

Donna, let's go in and
get Ceil and Bo off the hook

and have dinner.

Oh, Alex, let's leave them
for just five more minutes.

Two more minutes?

One more minute?

All right, but if the human
race ever becomes extinct,

it's because of people like you.

I'll worry about
that after dinner.

Right now, I want
to rescue those two

before they die of
mutual boredom.

Shh!

I don't understand it.

Five minutes ago, they
were like two cakes of ice.

Alex, can't you see? It's just
a matter of simple chemistry.

Bo and Ce...

I'll get it.

What was that?

Who cares?

Well, Herbie Armbruster.

It certainly is exciting
to see you again.

Excuse me for barging
in on you like this,

but I've just got
to talk to you.

Oh?

Well, what are
we doing out here?

Well, it's such a nice evening,

I thought, well, why
don't we talk out here?

Have a chair.

All right.

Donna, you know I
owe you an awful lot.

You do?

Well, after all, it
was at your house

that Ceil and I first
met, remember?

At the barbecue.

That's why I
thought you might...

Look, I know you
won't believe it,

but Ceil and I have had a fight.

Oh, I believe it if you say so.

Sometimes I just
don't understand Ceil.

Over two years, we've
been the best of friends.

All of a sudden, she flares up.

You're shivering. Why
don't we go inside?

Oh, no, no. I love
when it's nippy like this.

Well, here, then,
take my jacket.

- No, it's perfectly all right.
- I insist.

Really.

Well, thank you very much.

So, where was I?

Oh, yes.

What I'm getting at is this...

If you could get Ceil over
here under some pretext,

then I could just
happen to drop by.

You get the idea?

Yes, well, I'll think about
it, and I'll let you know.

Donna, what about dinner?

Oh, dear, you know Herbie.

Hi, Herbie.

He came by for a chat
and was just leaving.

- Glad to see you again, Doctor.
- Good to see you again, Herbie.

I was just telling Donna...

Oh, good night, Herbie.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Good evening.

Herbie!

What are you doing with
this parlor Casanova?

Some people's
memories are so short,

they forget they were
distinctly told to get lost.

What's the matter, friend?
Something worrying you?

Who? Me? Look, I've been sick.

Back trouble.

Speak right up to him, Bo.
Don't let him buffalo you.

Now...

The American buffalo, according
to the latest wildlife survey,

has increased in numbers...

Never mind that.

Just keep your paws off
the woman I'm gonna marry.

Look, I assure
you, my intentions...

- Herbie, do you mean that?
- Now, look here, Herbie.

Dr. Boland was invited here
as our guest, and I don't...

So you're the one
that's responsible.

No, no, no. I was the one
who invited Bo and Ceil.

Why, you...

And, Herbie, don't
jump to conclusions.

Herbie, will you listen to me?!

What right do you have to
meddle in other people's affairs?!

Alex!

He has a point, dear.

Herbie, did you
mean what you said?

What'd I say?

That I was the woman you were
going to marry? Did you mean it?

I'm putting it in the
form of an ultimatum.

Either you quit this
shilly-shallying around

and marry me right now,
or it's all off between us.

Herbie, do you have
a splitting headache?

I feel fine!

You don't even look pale.

Quit stalling.

Yes or no?

Oh, yes.

Yes, Herbie, yes!

Yes!

There, you see?

Everything turned
out beautifully after all.

You're gonna
take credit for that?

Well, I admit there was a
slight change in personnel,

but it's the end
result that counts.

And maybe that'll inspire
Bo to find himself a nice girl.

Connie, Bo here.

Honey, stand by to be picked
up in exactly 12 minutes.

Yeah, it'll just be you and me

and the wind and
the stars in our hair.

Oh, and, honey,
while you're waiting,

whip up a sandwich for me, huh?

Chopped liver on pumpernickel.

Bye.

Bo, really.

Don't think it
hasn't been grand.

Bo, listen to me.

- I hate to tear away.
- But, Bo, why are you leaving?

Oh, well, four is company,
and five's a crowd.

Oh, thanks for everything.

- I'll never forget it.
- Bo, wait.

Happy wedding bells.

- Bye.
- Bo, I...

Some people just don't know the
meaning of the word "gratitude."

Now, darling, don't feel hurt

just because Bo walked
out on your dinner party.

Who's hurt?

Bo chooses to give
up roast squab with us

to go have chopped
liver with Connie.

Connie. What does
he see in a girl like that?

Now, honey, your
brilliant strategy

got Ceil and Herbie
back together again.

Let's leave it at that, hmm?

Oh, I admit, Ceil
was all wrong for Bo.

Well, glad to hear you say that.

They had practically
nothing in common.

Alex.

- Dorothy Delmar.
- Who?

The girl that runs
the beauty shop.

Oh, why didn't I
think of that before?

Oh, Donna!

She's pretty.

She loves to dance.

Well read.

- She's mad about playing golf.
- Donna.

Hello, Dorothy.

Wrong number.