The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 27 - The Return of Edwin Carp - full transcript
Sally and Buddy are mad at Rob for making them work to write an Alan-less episode while Alan himself is away on vacation. They are all trying to come up with an original idea when Rob comes up with what he believes is something never done on television: radio. He wants to write a show around old-time radio characters. Buddy, Sally and even Laura don't think anyone watching television would be interested in these radio stars that no one except Rob probably even remembers. Another problem is even trying to find any of these old performers. Regardless, they allow Rob to run with the idea, even if it means losing their jobs after all is said and done. They are successful in convincing radio personalities Bert Gordon who portrayed a character called the Mad Russian, comedy monologist Arlene Harris, and Edwin Carp, who did fish imitations and was appropriately named "the Fish Man", to perform. However, Carp fails to disclose an issue which dogged him during his radio career and which he thought he would never have to deal with again since his last radio performance twenty-eight years earlier. When Rob finds out about the problem and the tricky solution one day prior to the show, Rob has to decide whether to go through with it or not.
[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.
Coffee?
Sally?
Hey, darling?
How much longer do you think you'll be working?
Until we get an idea, honey.
At that rate we'll be here from 10 to 12 years.
Yeah, Rob had to open his big mouth
and say we'd write a show for Alan Brady
while he's on vacation.
We could have all been resting.
You know, you should have let the network run that old movie
like they wanted to.
I got it.
I got it, an original idea.
What's the one thing that's never been done on television?
You can't do that on television.
Oh, shut up.
What is the one thing that's never been done on television?
Radio.
You want to do radio on television?
Yeah.
I say, we get a great old radio performer,
we can build the whole show around them.
Oh, Rob, most people today couldn't care less
about the radio personalities.
Sally, I couldn't agree with you more.
He's always talking about some radio star
that I never heard of.
Oh, come on now.
You can't tell me that everybody wouldn't love
to see the Mad Russian again, or Arlene Harris,
is the chatterbox, remember?
Or Mert and Marge?
Or Edwin Carp.
The fish man. He'd be great.
Where you going to find these people?
Why, all we need's a little detective work.
We can find him.
Come on, you guys, a little faith in old Rob?
What can we lose?
Our jobs.
Next week is going to be the Alan
Brady show starring the Mad Russian
and Edwin Carp the fish man.
Good, and a week after, we'll have the mad sponsors,
and Robert Petrie the unemployed man.
Yeah, that's right.
Bert Gordon, is he there?
I think they got him.
Good.
Hello?
Hello, is this Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian?
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): How do you do?
By golly, you're him.
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): I'm him, who are you?
Well, I'm one of the writers on the Alan Brady show.
My name is Sally Rodgers.
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): Miss Rogers, I've
always enjoyed your dancing.
No, no, no, I'm not a dance.
I'm a writer.
Ginger.
You gave up dancing?
He's putting me on.
You talk to him, Buddy, because you know him.
OK.
Hello, Bert?
Bert, it's me, Buddy. Buddy Sorrell.
Buddy.
Hello Buddy.
How's my Buddy?
You remember me, huh?
Do I remember you?
Ha-ha, silly boy.
Who are you?
It's me, Buddy Sorrell, remember?
We met years ago in New York when you
were working with Eddie Cantor.
Buddy, how are you?
I'm wonderful.
What can I do to you?
What are you doing Friday night between 9 and 10 o'clock?
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): Friday night?
Well, I always sit home and watch "The Alan Brady Show."
Good.
How would you like to be on "The Alan Brady Show?"
You mean it?
We're doing a cavalcade of some of the top radio stars,
you know from years ago, and we'd like to have you in on it.
How about it?
[inaudible] On a moment's notice,
you expect me to give up everything
and fly to New York just to be on a television program?
How dare you.
You won't do it?
I'll do it.
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Hey, that's wonderful.
We'll see in a couple of days.
I'll be there before you can say how do you do.
Wonderful.
All right, Bert, bye-bye.
How do you do?
Well, we got him.
That, at least, is a good beginning.
Now I wonder how our fearless leader is
doing tracking down Edwin Carp.
Here you are, my little dears.
That's right, eat it up.
Eat it up.
Now don't be greedy, chew it well.
That's it.
Oh, I thought there was an alien in the tank.
And what is your pleasure?
Turtles, fish, chipmunks, mange medicine?
Well, actually I didn't come in to buy anything.
What is it you do want?
I want you, sir.
I beg your pardon?
I want you.
With what in mind?
You are Edmund Carp, aren't you?
Correct.
The Edmund Carp from radio, who did the fish imitations?
Correct again, but may I ask, who are you?
Well my name is Rob Petrie, I'm the head writer
on "The Alan Brady Show."
On television?
I have a theory about television, sir.
What's that?
I don't believe it is possible.
Well, it is.
Anyway, we have this idea for recreating
some of the great highlights of radio, kind of a cavalcade.
We're trying to find as many of the great old radio performers
as we possibly can.
Would you be interested?
You mean, you want me to perform?
That's right.
But after all these years?
Oh, my goodness.
I-- did you hear what the gentleman said, Lightning?
He wants me to go back on the air.
Would I have to do it in front of people?
Well, we have a studio audience, just like in radio.
Oh, yes, just like in radio.
Shh.
Would you do it, Mr. Carp?
Well, I might.
You'll be paid well.
I will be?
Uh-huh.
Excuse me.
Where and when do I report?
Well, we'll get in touch with you on that.
I shall be there.
Oh, boy, am I glad to hear you say that.
Listen, we're counting on you to make that show a big success.
Oh, my goodness.
You wouldn't change your mind on me, would you?
Not unless my mother says I can't play with you.
Mr. Carp, I'll be in touch with you.
I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been to meet you.
It was nice, wasn't it?
I enjoyed it.
Thank you.
MRS. CARP: Edwin?
Edwin.
Now, mother.
You are a naughty, naughty little boy.
Now, mother--
You told you that nice young man that you would have
act on his television show, and you
know very well that you can't.
But Mother--
MRS. CARP: And you know why you can't!
But Mother--
MRS. CARP: Oh, Edwin, you told that nice young man,
and now you will drive me to an early grave.
That is no longer possible.
You didn't tell him you can't be on his television show.
Do it, Edwin!
She's never liked me.
Rob, I've got Arlene Harris locked up.
You got her locked up?
Well, let her out, we need her on the show.
Cheer up, everybody, I'm on the show.
It's been a long time since the old "Al Pierce Gang" days.
Oh, you can say that.
Who are your young friends here?
Oh, this is Sally Rodgers and Robert Petrie.
How do you do?
Hi, Miss Harris, a pleasure to meet you.
Won't you sit down?
Yes, thank you.
Well, Mel tells me you're going to be with us.
Well, that all depends how you treat me.
Well, what do you want?
Well, not very much.
Just three minutes of air time, and a party after the show.
You got it.
Miss Harris, would you mind doing one of your monologues
for us now, please? ARLENE HARRIS: You mean now?
SALLY: Yeah.
I didn't think you'd ask me.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Maisy.
No, I thought I'd call you and ask you about the wedding.
No, I didn't go.
Oh, don't be silly.
I don't go to weddings anymore, you know that.
Because I cry at weddings and make a fool of myself.
I don't know why I cry.
Who knows?
I suppose I've been married so darn long myself I haven't got
the heart to laugh, I guess.
Yeah.
Oh, well, how is your romance coming?
Oh, Maisy, for heaven's sake.
Don't you know all men are domineering?
I told you, honey, you have to nip that right in the altar.
That's what I did.
When Harry said I do, I said, oh, no you don't.
That's the way it's always been.
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm still as nervous as you know what.
Ever since my operation, honey.
Well Harry doesn't listen to me, but I
swear they left a sponge in me.
No, I have no pain, but I'm so darn thirsty all the time.
Oh, honey, he wouldn't.
I wouldn't even ask him.
He's not even talking to me.
He's in one of his moods.
Who knows why he's in a mood.
Are you kidding me?
We were doing a crossword puzzle.
I said, give me a three letter word meaning female sheep.
He said ewe, and that started the whole thing.
Wait a minute, Mais, hold it.
Harry, let the dog in, will you, dear?
He's scratching on the door, let him in.
He is in?
Then for heaven's sake, let him out.
Oh, I thought we should have a new watchdog.
Oh, he's a wonderful watchdog.
If there's a noise at night, all we do is wake him up,
and he barks like everything.
I don't know what kind of a dog he is.
What do you mean, has he got papers?
He's got papers all over the house.
OK, honey, I'll talk to you.
Goodbye.
[applause]
All right, what do you guys think of the idea now?
I'll let you know after we see Mr. Carp.
Hey, I hope he still remembers some of those routines.
They were great. - Listen, I tell you what.
Why don't we saunter down to the pet shop,
and I'll let you meet him.
- All right, let's saunter. - Hi.
Where are we sauntering?
Hi, to a pet shop.
Oh, did you forget you promised
to take me to lunch today?
Completely.
You're forgiven.
Now why are we going to a pet shop?
Well, we're going to see the star of our show
Edwin Carp do his act.
It was very nice of you to come down to see me Miss
Sally, Mr. Buddy, Mrs. Petrie.
We don't want to take too much of your time, Mr. Carp,
but we would like some idea of what routines
you think you might use.
Now, Mr. Petrie, there is something
I really must discuss with you.
What's that?
Well, doesn't it occur to you that perhaps
my routines are just the teensiest bit old fashioned
for today?
Well, of course it does.
Well, that's how life is.
You know you can't have everything you want,
so I better get on with fighting the fungus,
a never ending battle.
Old fashion, Mr. Carp?
Those routines are classic.
Yeah, like, like the Robert Benchley stuff.
That's right.
I don't know how you ever ended up in a pet shop.
If you hadn't retired, I bet you'd have
your own television show today.
Do you really think so?
I wish you had your own show.
Then I'd be able to see some of these routines
they've been telling me about.
You know what used to break me up?
Those inspirational poems you used to do.
Really?
You remember the one that went,
they said it couldn't be done.
No, no, no, no, no.
It was called "Perseverance."
I remember that because it was a very, very moving poem.
Would you do it, "Perseverance."
Would you recite it for [inaudible]..
Come on, please do it.
All right, would you hold that for me?
Thank you.
"Perseverance."
Somebody said it couldn't be done, but he with a chuckle--
I always get very emotional over this one.
But he with a chuckle replied, maybe
it wouldn't, but I will be one who
never say no till I have tried.
So he buckled right in with a trace of a grin on his face.
If he worried, he hid it, and he tackled
that thing that couldn't be done, and he couldn't do it.
[applause]
Wonderful, wonderful.
Just marvelous.
Do you really and truly think so?
Oh, I loved it.
Well, that settles it.
Settles what?
Oh, just a small personal problem, Mr. Petrie.
Mr. Carp, what about those fish
impressions you used to do?
Oh, those.
Yes, they've been telling me about them.
How do you imitate fish?
Perfectly.
- Could you do one of them? - Come on, one.
Just one.
Please.
Well, all right, if you insist.
Will you hold it again?
I certainly will.
Now let me see.
I could do the whistlin' halibut.
No, I think that's too sophisticated.
And televised, a cold fish.
I know what I'll do.
I'll give you the call of the red bellied [inaudible]
or blushing fish.
Now, I should explain to you that this call is
so high in the scale as to be completely
inaudible the human ear drum.
Now, my little dog lighting can hear it, can't you dear?
And it's also audible to a certain lady friend of mine,
who shall be nameless, called Mrs. Phelps,
who has been endowed through some caprice of mother nature,
I suppose you would call it, with the ear
drums of an elk hound.
I will give the call, and for your complete enjoyment, might
I suggest that you watch not only me,
but Lightning's startled reaction.
Are you ready?
You ready?
He's always ready.
We all know here's the code the red bellied [inaudible]
or blushing fish.
You realize I could very easily hyperventilate?
Amazing, is it not?
That's wonderful!
Just wonderful.
MRS. CARP: Edwin!
Oh, hot boiling drat, Mother wants her cocoa.
Now Mr. Petrie, could we perhaps continue this discussion
tomorrow in your office? - Sure, that would be fine.
You can sign your contract.
Very well, I'll do that.
And I'll see you tomorrow?
So nice meeting you, Mr. Carp.
And you, Mrs. Petrie.
Oh, very nice meeting you, Mr. Carp.
Wonderful.
Mr. Buddy.
Well, somebody said it couldn't be done,
but it looks like we're going to do it, thanks to you, Mr. Carp.
I hope so.
Goodbye.
Oh my goodness, it's just like old times.
MRS. CARP: Edwin!
Lightning, not a single word to Mother about the whole thing.
The funny thing is that Edwin Carp always
wears galoshes as the fish man.
I wish you could have been at that dress rehearsal today.
Listen, all I want to know is, can I
tell our neighbors to watch the show tomorrow night?
I think so.
It's a very entertaining show.
And I'll make one prediction, that it's
going to open up a whole new career for Edwin Carp.
And it was your idea.
You're responsible for it.
That was the most exciting five days.
[doorbell]
And they said it couldn't be done.
Mrs. Petrie, may I see your husband?
Well, yes.
Well, Edwin, how are you?
What are you doing way up here?
Robert, I have something to say which must be said
face to face.
I cannot do the show.
My goodness.
Well, I guess I'd better leave you two alone.
No, please stay, Mrs. Petrie.
I need all the forgiveness I can get.
Well, Edwin, what's this all about?
I can't believe that you meant what you just said.
Would that I didn't.
Oh my goodness.
May I sit down?
I feel rather peculiar.
Well, certainly, sit down.
Peculiar?
Aren't you feeling well?
Oh, no, actually except for the fact that I'll
feel terrible, I feel fine.
You want to pull out of the show
because you're feeling fine?
I really thought I could beat it.
ROB: Beat what?
Robert, those 11 years I was on radio making people happy
were the most miserable years of my life.
Now you know.
Know what?
Every time I had to perform in front of a microphone,
I was sick to the stomach with splitting
headaches and general debility.
I couldn't go through it again.
I couldn't.
Stagefright?
A stagefright so terrible that I could control it
only with the use of alcohol.
Alcohol?
Alcohol.
You mean--
In order to perform before a real audience,
I must be smashed.
Oh my goodness.
Exactly.
And you're afraid to go on tomorrow night.
For fear of reopening floodgates
which are successfully closed with my farewell radio
performance 28 years ago.
Oh my gosh, I never dreamed you had a problem like that.
I know I should never have let it get this far,
but vanity was my undoing.
I had to try again just to see if I could beat it.
But my mother was right.
You have met my mother, have you?
- No. - You wouldn't like her.
She was right.
She told me I was being foolish and naughty.
Mr. Carp, what would happen if you tried to go on the show
without--
Without resorting to alcohol?
LAURA: Yes.
Nothing.
I would just stand there transfixed.
Have you ever tried to do without it?
I know I can't.
I am nothing without my elderberry wine.
Elderberry wine?
A full eight ounce water tumbler immediately before
going on the stage.
It gives me the confidence I need to perform,
but under no circumstances will I ever resort to that again.
I have made a solemn promise to my mother, and she is right.
I am a naughty wino.
Mrs. Petrie, Robert, you'll have to forgive me.
I'm sorry I've caused you all this trouble.
What, no, now wait just a minute.
This is all very interesting, but you're forgetting
one little thing, Mr. Carp.
You were under contract to do a show for us,
and we're going to hold you to it.
Rob.
Please, honey.
Now you say you'll never take another drink.
I will never again become the slave of the grape.
All right, I don't want you to.
That's all right.
None of us wants you to do that.
But I must insist that you appear tomorrow night in front
of those cameras and perform.
That is impossible.
You appear as scheduled tomorrow night on that stage,
or "The Alan Brady Show" will sue you for everything you own.
EDWIN CARP: But--
Rob, what are you saying?
Just the truth.
Mr. Petrie, I am shocked to discover
that I have misjudged you.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
However, I will be at your studio tomorrow, and I will
face your bloomin' cameras.
That's all I'm asking.
However I will not, I repeat, will
not resort to elderberry wine.
Never again as long as I live.
Now Mr. Petrie.
If you think your audience will be entertained by the spectacle
of me standing on a stage, shivering, staring,
and sweating around the waist for 18 minutes,
that is entirely your decision.
Good night.
What in heaven's name came over you, Rob?
That was about the most disgraceful
display I've ever seen.
I know it, I know it.
Then why?
Honey, I think that that man wants to be
forced to go on the stage.
Look, if he wanted to cop out, all he had to do
is pick up the phone.
I think he's dying to try his act without elderberry wine.
Rob, I hope you're right.
Well, he agreed to come on the show.
All he agreed to do is stare, shiver,
and perspire around the waist.
Well, but if he's any kind of a trooper at all,
he'll go into his act.
Or faint.
Well, either way, we have something original there.
Honey, we got any wine?
Oh.
Well, they love Arlene and the Mad Russian.
When does Mr. Carp come on?
I think right after this next commercial.
Hi, Rob.
How's the show going?
Just great.
Well, why did you leave the stage?
I wanted to be with my loved ones for this next act.
How's the fish man?
Tower of quivering lime gelatin.
I told you, you should have given
him a shot of elderberry wine.
Shh.
Just a second, and we'll find out if Rob's a hero or a rat.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Now poetry corner
with the inspirational words of Edwin Carp.
[music playing]
Ooh.
He's gonna stand there and shiver
and perspire around the waist, just like he said.
I sure wish that was elderberry wine
instead of water.
I am not here to be tittered at.
I would like to recite a poem.
No I wouldn't.
Yes I would.
A poem glorifying the pedal extremity.
Entitled "Feet."
By Scout Master Alan.
You need feet to stand up straight with.
You need feet to kick your friends.
You need feet to keep your socks on, and stop your legs
from fraying at the end.
You need feet to stand on tippy toe,
or to dance the hoochie-coo.
Yes, the whole--
I don't want to have to get ugly.
Yes, the whole world needs feet for something,
and I need feet to run away from you.
He did it!
He did it!
The son of a gun, he did it!
He was sensational.
Oh, it was just wonderful.
Just wonderful. - Wasn't that great?
You were all wonderful.
Bert, it was just great.
What did you expect?
A catastrophe?
And Arlene, what can I say to you?
Oh, just say I'm coming back on the show, that's all.
You're coming back on the show, that's all.
And how do you feel now, Edwin?
Well I feel rather depressed.
Oh, why, you were marvelous?
Well, I didn't have time to recite my favorite poem
and dedicate it to the man who made all this possible,
Mr. Robert Petrie.
Oh, well, I'm glad you didn't have time to do that.
We have time now.
Why don't you do it right now?
Right now.
I'd love to hear it.
I'd love to get it off my chest.
Thank you.
Dear Robert, this is for you, and it is entitled "Courage."
Which we all need.
There came a giant to my door, a giant big and strong.
His arms were 30 inches thick, his legs were 12 yards long.
He scowled, he frowned, he shook the ground.
I trembled through and through.
And then I looked him in the face and said,
who cares for you?
And he hit me.
[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.
Coffee?
Sally?
Hey, darling?
How much longer do you think you'll be working?
Until we get an idea, honey.
At that rate we'll be here from 10 to 12 years.
Yeah, Rob had to open his big mouth
and say we'd write a show for Alan Brady
while he's on vacation.
We could have all been resting.
You know, you should have let the network run that old movie
like they wanted to.
I got it.
I got it, an original idea.
What's the one thing that's never been done on television?
You can't do that on television.
Oh, shut up.
What is the one thing that's never been done on television?
Radio.
You want to do radio on television?
Yeah.
I say, we get a great old radio performer,
we can build the whole show around them.
Oh, Rob, most people today couldn't care less
about the radio personalities.
Sally, I couldn't agree with you more.
He's always talking about some radio star
that I never heard of.
Oh, come on now.
You can't tell me that everybody wouldn't love
to see the Mad Russian again, or Arlene Harris,
is the chatterbox, remember?
Or Mert and Marge?
Or Edwin Carp.
The fish man. He'd be great.
Where you going to find these people?
Why, all we need's a little detective work.
We can find him.
Come on, you guys, a little faith in old Rob?
What can we lose?
Our jobs.
Next week is going to be the Alan
Brady show starring the Mad Russian
and Edwin Carp the fish man.
Good, and a week after, we'll have the mad sponsors,
and Robert Petrie the unemployed man.
Yeah, that's right.
Bert Gordon, is he there?
I think they got him.
Good.
Hello?
Hello, is this Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian?
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): How do you do?
By golly, you're him.
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): I'm him, who are you?
Well, I'm one of the writers on the Alan Brady show.
My name is Sally Rodgers.
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): Miss Rogers, I've
always enjoyed your dancing.
No, no, no, I'm not a dance.
I'm a writer.
Ginger.
You gave up dancing?
He's putting me on.
You talk to him, Buddy, because you know him.
OK.
Hello, Bert?
Bert, it's me, Buddy. Buddy Sorrell.
Buddy.
Hello Buddy.
How's my Buddy?
You remember me, huh?
Do I remember you?
Ha-ha, silly boy.
Who are you?
It's me, Buddy Sorrell, remember?
We met years ago in New York when you
were working with Eddie Cantor.
Buddy, how are you?
I'm wonderful.
What can I do to you?
What are you doing Friday night between 9 and 10 o'clock?
BERT GORDON (ON PHONE): Friday night?
Well, I always sit home and watch "The Alan Brady Show."
Good.
How would you like to be on "The Alan Brady Show?"
You mean it?
We're doing a cavalcade of some of the top radio stars,
you know from years ago, and we'd like to have you in on it.
How about it?
[inaudible] On a moment's notice,
you expect me to give up everything
and fly to New York just to be on a television program?
How dare you.
You won't do it?
I'll do it.
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Hey, that's wonderful.
We'll see in a couple of days.
I'll be there before you can say how do you do.
Wonderful.
All right, Bert, bye-bye.
How do you do?
Well, we got him.
That, at least, is a good beginning.
Now I wonder how our fearless leader is
doing tracking down Edwin Carp.
Here you are, my little dears.
That's right, eat it up.
Eat it up.
Now don't be greedy, chew it well.
That's it.
Oh, I thought there was an alien in the tank.
And what is your pleasure?
Turtles, fish, chipmunks, mange medicine?
Well, actually I didn't come in to buy anything.
What is it you do want?
I want you, sir.
I beg your pardon?
I want you.
With what in mind?
You are Edmund Carp, aren't you?
Correct.
The Edmund Carp from radio, who did the fish imitations?
Correct again, but may I ask, who are you?
Well my name is Rob Petrie, I'm the head writer
on "The Alan Brady Show."
On television?
I have a theory about television, sir.
What's that?
I don't believe it is possible.
Well, it is.
Anyway, we have this idea for recreating
some of the great highlights of radio, kind of a cavalcade.
We're trying to find as many of the great old radio performers
as we possibly can.
Would you be interested?
You mean, you want me to perform?
That's right.
But after all these years?
Oh, my goodness.
I-- did you hear what the gentleman said, Lightning?
He wants me to go back on the air.
Would I have to do it in front of people?
Well, we have a studio audience, just like in radio.
Oh, yes, just like in radio.
Shh.
Would you do it, Mr. Carp?
Well, I might.
You'll be paid well.
I will be?
Uh-huh.
Excuse me.
Where and when do I report?
Well, we'll get in touch with you on that.
I shall be there.
Oh, boy, am I glad to hear you say that.
Listen, we're counting on you to make that show a big success.
Oh, my goodness.
You wouldn't change your mind on me, would you?
Not unless my mother says I can't play with you.
Mr. Carp, I'll be in touch with you.
I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been to meet you.
It was nice, wasn't it?
I enjoyed it.
Thank you.
MRS. CARP: Edwin?
Edwin.
Now, mother.
You are a naughty, naughty little boy.
Now, mother--
You told you that nice young man that you would have
act on his television show, and you
know very well that you can't.
But Mother--
MRS. CARP: And you know why you can't!
But Mother--
MRS. CARP: Oh, Edwin, you told that nice young man,
and now you will drive me to an early grave.
That is no longer possible.
You didn't tell him you can't be on his television show.
Do it, Edwin!
She's never liked me.
Rob, I've got Arlene Harris locked up.
You got her locked up?
Well, let her out, we need her on the show.
Cheer up, everybody, I'm on the show.
It's been a long time since the old "Al Pierce Gang" days.
Oh, you can say that.
Who are your young friends here?
Oh, this is Sally Rodgers and Robert Petrie.
How do you do?
Hi, Miss Harris, a pleasure to meet you.
Won't you sit down?
Yes, thank you.
Well, Mel tells me you're going to be with us.
Well, that all depends how you treat me.
Well, what do you want?
Well, not very much.
Just three minutes of air time, and a party after the show.
You got it.
Miss Harris, would you mind doing one of your monologues
for us now, please? ARLENE HARRIS: You mean now?
SALLY: Yeah.
I didn't think you'd ask me.
Hello?
Oh, hello, Maisy.
No, I thought I'd call you and ask you about the wedding.
No, I didn't go.
Oh, don't be silly.
I don't go to weddings anymore, you know that.
Because I cry at weddings and make a fool of myself.
I don't know why I cry.
Who knows?
I suppose I've been married so darn long myself I haven't got
the heart to laugh, I guess.
Yeah.
Oh, well, how is your romance coming?
Oh, Maisy, for heaven's sake.
Don't you know all men are domineering?
I told you, honey, you have to nip that right in the altar.
That's what I did.
When Harry said I do, I said, oh, no you don't.
That's the way it's always been.
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm still as nervous as you know what.
Ever since my operation, honey.
Well Harry doesn't listen to me, but I
swear they left a sponge in me.
No, I have no pain, but I'm so darn thirsty all the time.
Oh, honey, he wouldn't.
I wouldn't even ask him.
He's not even talking to me.
He's in one of his moods.
Who knows why he's in a mood.
Are you kidding me?
We were doing a crossword puzzle.
I said, give me a three letter word meaning female sheep.
He said ewe, and that started the whole thing.
Wait a minute, Mais, hold it.
Harry, let the dog in, will you, dear?
He's scratching on the door, let him in.
He is in?
Then for heaven's sake, let him out.
Oh, I thought we should have a new watchdog.
Oh, he's a wonderful watchdog.
If there's a noise at night, all we do is wake him up,
and he barks like everything.
I don't know what kind of a dog he is.
What do you mean, has he got papers?
He's got papers all over the house.
OK, honey, I'll talk to you.
Goodbye.
[applause]
All right, what do you guys think of the idea now?
I'll let you know after we see Mr. Carp.
Hey, I hope he still remembers some of those routines.
They were great. - Listen, I tell you what.
Why don't we saunter down to the pet shop,
and I'll let you meet him.
- All right, let's saunter. - Hi.
Where are we sauntering?
Hi, to a pet shop.
Oh, did you forget you promised
to take me to lunch today?
Completely.
You're forgiven.
Now why are we going to a pet shop?
Well, we're going to see the star of our show
Edwin Carp do his act.
It was very nice of you to come down to see me Miss
Sally, Mr. Buddy, Mrs. Petrie.
We don't want to take too much of your time, Mr. Carp,
but we would like some idea of what routines
you think you might use.
Now, Mr. Petrie, there is something
I really must discuss with you.
What's that?
Well, doesn't it occur to you that perhaps
my routines are just the teensiest bit old fashioned
for today?
Well, of course it does.
Well, that's how life is.
You know you can't have everything you want,
so I better get on with fighting the fungus,
a never ending battle.
Old fashion, Mr. Carp?
Those routines are classic.
Yeah, like, like the Robert Benchley stuff.
That's right.
I don't know how you ever ended up in a pet shop.
If you hadn't retired, I bet you'd have
your own television show today.
Do you really think so?
I wish you had your own show.
Then I'd be able to see some of these routines
they've been telling me about.
You know what used to break me up?
Those inspirational poems you used to do.
Really?
You remember the one that went,
they said it couldn't be done.
No, no, no, no, no.
It was called "Perseverance."
I remember that because it was a very, very moving poem.
Would you do it, "Perseverance."
Would you recite it for [inaudible]..
Come on, please do it.
All right, would you hold that for me?
Thank you.
"Perseverance."
Somebody said it couldn't be done, but he with a chuckle--
I always get very emotional over this one.
But he with a chuckle replied, maybe
it wouldn't, but I will be one who
never say no till I have tried.
So he buckled right in with a trace of a grin on his face.
If he worried, he hid it, and he tackled
that thing that couldn't be done, and he couldn't do it.
[applause]
Wonderful, wonderful.
Just marvelous.
Do you really and truly think so?
Oh, I loved it.
Well, that settles it.
Settles what?
Oh, just a small personal problem, Mr. Petrie.
Mr. Carp, what about those fish
impressions you used to do?
Oh, those.
Yes, they've been telling me about them.
How do you imitate fish?
Perfectly.
- Could you do one of them? - Come on, one.
Just one.
Please.
Well, all right, if you insist.
Will you hold it again?
I certainly will.
Now let me see.
I could do the whistlin' halibut.
No, I think that's too sophisticated.
And televised, a cold fish.
I know what I'll do.
I'll give you the call of the red bellied [inaudible]
or blushing fish.
Now, I should explain to you that this call is
so high in the scale as to be completely
inaudible the human ear drum.
Now, my little dog lighting can hear it, can't you dear?
And it's also audible to a certain lady friend of mine,
who shall be nameless, called Mrs. Phelps,
who has been endowed through some caprice of mother nature,
I suppose you would call it, with the ear
drums of an elk hound.
I will give the call, and for your complete enjoyment, might
I suggest that you watch not only me,
but Lightning's startled reaction.
Are you ready?
You ready?
He's always ready.
We all know here's the code the red bellied [inaudible]
or blushing fish.
You realize I could very easily hyperventilate?
Amazing, is it not?
That's wonderful!
Just wonderful.
MRS. CARP: Edwin!
Oh, hot boiling drat, Mother wants her cocoa.
Now Mr. Petrie, could we perhaps continue this discussion
tomorrow in your office? - Sure, that would be fine.
You can sign your contract.
Very well, I'll do that.
And I'll see you tomorrow?
So nice meeting you, Mr. Carp.
And you, Mrs. Petrie.
Oh, very nice meeting you, Mr. Carp.
Wonderful.
Mr. Buddy.
Well, somebody said it couldn't be done,
but it looks like we're going to do it, thanks to you, Mr. Carp.
I hope so.
Goodbye.
Oh my goodness, it's just like old times.
MRS. CARP: Edwin!
Lightning, not a single word to Mother about the whole thing.
The funny thing is that Edwin Carp always
wears galoshes as the fish man.
I wish you could have been at that dress rehearsal today.
Listen, all I want to know is, can I
tell our neighbors to watch the show tomorrow night?
I think so.
It's a very entertaining show.
And I'll make one prediction, that it's
going to open up a whole new career for Edwin Carp.
And it was your idea.
You're responsible for it.
That was the most exciting five days.
[doorbell]
And they said it couldn't be done.
Mrs. Petrie, may I see your husband?
Well, yes.
Well, Edwin, how are you?
What are you doing way up here?
Robert, I have something to say which must be said
face to face.
I cannot do the show.
My goodness.
Well, I guess I'd better leave you two alone.
No, please stay, Mrs. Petrie.
I need all the forgiveness I can get.
Well, Edwin, what's this all about?
I can't believe that you meant what you just said.
Would that I didn't.
Oh my goodness.
May I sit down?
I feel rather peculiar.
Well, certainly, sit down.
Peculiar?
Aren't you feeling well?
Oh, no, actually except for the fact that I'll
feel terrible, I feel fine.
You want to pull out of the show
because you're feeling fine?
I really thought I could beat it.
ROB: Beat what?
Robert, those 11 years I was on radio making people happy
were the most miserable years of my life.
Now you know.
Know what?
Every time I had to perform in front of a microphone,
I was sick to the stomach with splitting
headaches and general debility.
I couldn't go through it again.
I couldn't.
Stagefright?
A stagefright so terrible that I could control it
only with the use of alcohol.
Alcohol?
Alcohol.
You mean--
In order to perform before a real audience,
I must be smashed.
Oh my goodness.
Exactly.
And you're afraid to go on tomorrow night.
For fear of reopening floodgates
which are successfully closed with my farewell radio
performance 28 years ago.
Oh my gosh, I never dreamed you had a problem like that.
I know I should never have let it get this far,
but vanity was my undoing.
I had to try again just to see if I could beat it.
But my mother was right.
You have met my mother, have you?
- No. - You wouldn't like her.
She was right.
She told me I was being foolish and naughty.
Mr. Carp, what would happen if you tried to go on the show
without--
Without resorting to alcohol?
LAURA: Yes.
Nothing.
I would just stand there transfixed.
Have you ever tried to do without it?
I know I can't.
I am nothing without my elderberry wine.
Elderberry wine?
A full eight ounce water tumbler immediately before
going on the stage.
It gives me the confidence I need to perform,
but under no circumstances will I ever resort to that again.
I have made a solemn promise to my mother, and she is right.
I am a naughty wino.
Mrs. Petrie, Robert, you'll have to forgive me.
I'm sorry I've caused you all this trouble.
What, no, now wait just a minute.
This is all very interesting, but you're forgetting
one little thing, Mr. Carp.
You were under contract to do a show for us,
and we're going to hold you to it.
Rob.
Please, honey.
Now you say you'll never take another drink.
I will never again become the slave of the grape.
All right, I don't want you to.
That's all right.
None of us wants you to do that.
But I must insist that you appear tomorrow night in front
of those cameras and perform.
That is impossible.
You appear as scheduled tomorrow night on that stage,
or "The Alan Brady Show" will sue you for everything you own.
EDWIN CARP: But--
Rob, what are you saying?
Just the truth.
Mr. Petrie, I am shocked to discover
that I have misjudged you.
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
However, I will be at your studio tomorrow, and I will
face your bloomin' cameras.
That's all I'm asking.
However I will not, I repeat, will
not resort to elderberry wine.
Never again as long as I live.
Now Mr. Petrie.
If you think your audience will be entertained by the spectacle
of me standing on a stage, shivering, staring,
and sweating around the waist for 18 minutes,
that is entirely your decision.
Good night.
What in heaven's name came over you, Rob?
That was about the most disgraceful
display I've ever seen.
I know it, I know it.
Then why?
Honey, I think that that man wants to be
forced to go on the stage.
Look, if he wanted to cop out, all he had to do
is pick up the phone.
I think he's dying to try his act without elderberry wine.
Rob, I hope you're right.
Well, he agreed to come on the show.
All he agreed to do is stare, shiver,
and perspire around the waist.
Well, but if he's any kind of a trooper at all,
he'll go into his act.
Or faint.
Well, either way, we have something original there.
Honey, we got any wine?
Oh.
Well, they love Arlene and the Mad Russian.
When does Mr. Carp come on?
I think right after this next commercial.
Hi, Rob.
How's the show going?
Just great.
Well, why did you leave the stage?
I wanted to be with my loved ones for this next act.
How's the fish man?
Tower of quivering lime gelatin.
I told you, you should have given
him a shot of elderberry wine.
Shh.
Just a second, and we'll find out if Rob's a hero or a rat.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Now poetry corner
with the inspirational words of Edwin Carp.
[music playing]
Ooh.
He's gonna stand there and shiver
and perspire around the waist, just like he said.
I sure wish that was elderberry wine
instead of water.
I am not here to be tittered at.
I would like to recite a poem.
No I wouldn't.
Yes I would.
A poem glorifying the pedal extremity.
Entitled "Feet."
By Scout Master Alan.
You need feet to stand up straight with.
You need feet to kick your friends.
You need feet to keep your socks on, and stop your legs
from fraying at the end.
You need feet to stand on tippy toe,
or to dance the hoochie-coo.
Yes, the whole--
I don't want to have to get ugly.
Yes, the whole world needs feet for something,
and I need feet to run away from you.
He did it!
He did it!
The son of a gun, he did it!
He was sensational.
Oh, it was just wonderful.
Just wonderful. - Wasn't that great?
You were all wonderful.
Bert, it was just great.
What did you expect?
A catastrophe?
And Arlene, what can I say to you?
Oh, just say I'm coming back on the show, that's all.
You're coming back on the show, that's all.
And how do you feel now, Edwin?
Well I feel rather depressed.
Oh, why, you were marvelous?
Well, I didn't have time to recite my favorite poem
and dedicate it to the man who made all this possible,
Mr. Robert Petrie.
Oh, well, I'm glad you didn't have time to do that.
We have time now.
Why don't you do it right now?
Right now.
I'd love to hear it.
I'd love to get it off my chest.
Thank you.
Dear Robert, this is for you, and it is entitled "Courage."
Which we all need.
There came a giant to my door, a giant big and strong.
His arms were 30 inches thick, his legs were 12 yards long.
He scowled, he frowned, he shook the ground.
I trembled through and through.
And then I looked him in the face and said,
who cares for you?
And he hit me.
[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]